Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata x Akira, Hikaru + Akira, Hikaru + Ogata
Rating: PG-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Shogakukan-Shueisha Productions, Obata Takeshi-sensei and Hotta Yumi-sensei~! I'm in love with these characters so that's why this is being written. "Turn Around and Count 2 Ten" is by Dead or Alive.

chiisana yasashisa wo kure
by Miyamoto Yui

Chapter 12 – My simple wish.

Grabbing onto his wrist, I lead him to my car.

After I give him some tissue to blow his nose, Shindou gives me their address. He's grinning to himself while I look at the paper in between my fingers.
"I have a general idea of where this is, but when we get closer, you'll have to give me directions."
"Yes."

Turning on the radio, my cd player randomly plays:

"So turn around and count 2 ten,
Before you lose the only one who really loves you
Somebody who likes you just as you are,
Not how you might have been.
Oh Baby, when you turn around again,
I might be with someone else who really loves me,
And now I'll say what I don't want to say,
I'll have you back again.
I want you back!"

I shake my head and smirk.

How funny. This song was number one on the charts when Akira was born…Good thing Shindou doesn't understand what this song means at all.

That's when I find him bobbing his head to the rhythm while watching me drive.
"So what makes you think I'll be of any help?" Smoothly, I again look at the road as we come to a red light.
"Whenever I least expect it, whether or not you know it, you've always been there for me."

Glancing to my left, I study him more closely. Leaning my elbow on the ledge of the open window, I cover my mouth with my hand. Then I press on the accelerator, making the engine purr more than it should have.

Is that so?

"Shindou…that game you mentioned earlier…"
"Yes?"
"Why would you try to coax Akira from this 'trance' with that?"
"No matter what, for better or worse, it's one thing Aki always responds to."
"Why?"
"The first game we played, it set up the next one. Which is the one where he lost."
"Is that the one at the salon? To tell the truth, people still talk about it to this day."
"Aki declared chuoshi."
I am floored by this, because I heard rumors but never confirmed it. I could never ask Akira though he fell into a private slump.

He nods and fidgets. "Yeah. I was so mad at Sai for it."
"Why?"
"He said that for Aki to learn, to truly contend with his fighting spirit, he went all out. Even if it meant to massacre his budding wings in flight. I mean, I understand what he means now, but at the time, I thought it was cruel. But even then, Aki was strong."
"Is this what you meant by Sai being with you at the time?"
"Yes."
"Hm…" I rub my chin.
"What?" He looks at me.
"No, it isn't anything bad. It's just…" I turn right and get off the main road. "…was this after the children's tournament?"
"Yes, but how would you know that?"
"It makes sense now."
"What does?"
"It was because of you. Or rather, Sai."
"For what?"

It's all falling into place!

"I'm not sure if Akira told you, but right after, he came to me."
He shakes his head.
"I guess he felt ashamed to admit it but he came to me and I didn't know what to do because he wouldn't stop crying…"

/"This is a rather strange corner to meet-" I searched around in the rain with my phone in my hand.
Running towards a phone booth, he stepped out with desolation printed all over his face.
Alarmed, I grabbed onto his shoulders. "What…what happened?"
"I…" Tears poured from his puffy eyes, squinting already from the redness. The rain was no contender next to the gushing droplets of water from his eyes. He gulped while holding his hands in fists to keep himself from losing control. His lower lip was still quivering, trying to tell me something, but he was already mentally wrecked.

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me now."

I was so disturbed that I caught the back of his head and pulled him towards my chest. Even if he'd protest, I didn't know what else to do.
I'd seen him cry since he was little and though he was still a child even then, he never let me see his true feelings. The tempered glass I'd built reflected back at me.

But somehow, something or someone else was strong enough to smash through, enough not to only crack, but devastatingly shatter his barriers.

Yet you still came to me. What do you want? What do I do?

"Please let me just stay here with you for a little while. Don't tell Dad or Mom. Please."

I couldn't say anything but my mouth wouldn't close from shock. Nodding compliantly, he started to shake in my arms.

He cried and cried, sobbing quietly while biting his lower lip until his voice overpowered the windy rain that pelted around us. It was the only time he'd allowed me to watch him in a state of weakness.

Yet selfishly, I was thankful that he'd come to me./

Now I understand that it's because of Shindou.

Shindou looked down into his lap.

"I had no idea that you were the cause of it."
"That's the day, Sai recognized Akira and Akira, Sai."

The sudden change in name usage was a little jarring.

"When did that change?"
"When I was powerless at the tournament against Kaio. I didn't want to just watch them duke it out with me in between-"
Impulsively, I reach out my hand to pat his shoulder. He didn't reject it.
"I…I'm very familiar with this situation."
"I never thought you'd admit something like that, Sensei."
I take my hand away. "Well, after you've pretty much told me all that, I can at least return the favor.
Shindou tilts his head a bit and smiles, patting my hand twice. "You know what? When you're not being a jerk, you're really nice."
"Why you-"
"I see why Aki trust you so much."
"I messed that up though from what you've said. Which is why we're in our current situation."
"I don't think so." He leans his cheek onto his hand.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because under that hard exterior, you're pretty considerate."
"You don't know that-"
"Sensei, turn on this street. We're here."

+/+/+/+/+/

How very Akira.

I blink at the three-story building off the main grid of Shibuya on the Inokashira line, a few blocks from Ikenoue Station. When we go inside, Shindou pushes his key in and presses their code on the number pad so that we can enter the elevator.

A few hours means a day. Days means weeks to catch up. What the hell could Akira be possibly thinking?

I'd anticipated being thrown off, but he's always been solid, clearly the more mature one between us at times. But I'd broken his heart and then he unlocked me by calling me by my first name in that way.
What else have I broken?
Then without thinking of the implications, I shoved that game into his face. Was it cruel to make him play even by his father's instructions to do so?

And I caused for both of them to cry in front of me. What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm despicable…

Ping!
The elevator doors open and unexpectedly, we're already at their genkan. It is pure white and brightly leading to one light-wooden door. I didn't expect the whole floor to be all his, or rather, theirs.

I bow my head. "Ojamashimasu."
Hikaru shakes his head at how formal I am and then shrugs his shoulders. "Tadaima, Aki~!"

No response.

We take off our shoes and he opens the door for me. For some reason, just like at the ryokan, there is nothing but light flooding this room, but it feels bright and warm, like orange permeating through the walls. A refreshing breeze flows from one end to the other.

Can a room be called affectionate?

This large spacious square has a corner for books while the opposite end has a single television with a leather couch. At the side is a kitchen and an open door exposes an office type setting with a desk and computer. Then, there is another closed door, which appears to be the bedroom.
Outside the sliding door is a small patio with some greenery for a mini garden.

And in the center of all this are two Go boards almost side by side.

Apparently, Hikaru was there often, but still supposedly lived at home to keep up appearances.

I wonder what Akira's parents' thought. Had he even discussed it with them yet?

"What is that mark on the floor for?" A purple square is clearly and cleanly bordering the boards.
"That's just to physically signal to us that outside of that 'wall', we are out of fighting mode."
Bemused, I cover my mouth yet again. "You have to actually do that in your own home?"
He gives me a look. "Do you need to ask? This is us we're talking about."
"Ah yes, I tend to forget how petty you both can be."
"Like you're one to talk," he mumbles.
I pull on my tie. "I'll let you have that one, Shindou."

He leads me to the middle and we stand over the last game they both played. It still hasn't been cleaned off.

"Who played white?"
"Akira."

My eyebrows raise.

That's quite a harsh change in tone. This much be a magical square because he just transformed from genki ball to relentless competitor when he entered this purple realm. The name change from earlier perfectly clicks in my head.

I indicate the 3-4 komoku with my index finger. "This shape breaks down from this point."
"That's why we stopped."
"How could this be me?"
"Aki and I fight for sente but we're usually on the offense. This time Aki completely tried to 'get sente' back but it was obvious I was reacting rather than leading." He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. "See that part where the hane breaks, that's exactly where we both started to fight."
"And that relates to me because…?"
He blinks at me and then kneels before me, pointing to several spots on the board. "You may not be aware of it, but this is a move that's purely yours. You pretend that you're gote, but you actually hold sente, which keeps your opponent running to catch up."
"Doesn't that just mean I'm sente all the way?"
"Here." From underneath the board, he brings up one stack of stapled papers with Akira's and his writing, but they're of my games!
"Only at the second to last move did you gain proper sente for the kill, playing gote the whole time."

Staring at me, he brings the papers to his lap. "You are always the opposite of what you seem, even if you're straightforward too. You still play fair and then still cut off someone's head anyway." Scratching his nose, he suddenly becomes shy when there's a tint of pink on his cheeks. "I…I always thought that was kind of cool. I wish Sai had been able to see how you progressed. I'm sure he would've been more excited than he already was."
"He really wanted to play me?"
"Yeah." He gives me a fabulous smile, one that I haven't seen all day with all traces of shadowed nervousness gone for a second. "That's why I can't give up on you."

I catch my breath and we look at one another, the air heavy for a moment.

Was this what Sensei meant?

"Thank you." I slightly nod my head. "I hadn't noticed."
"Well, that's only natural. It's a part of you."
Before I can react, he turns towards the other Go board next to it and sighs all over again.

It is Sensei's quandary.

"Did he tell you anything about this board?"
Hikaru shakes his head. "Aki set it up, but when we ended, he put his hand out so that I wouldn't clean up our game. Then he looked at this board and hung his head. Next thing I know he's staring off into space at his desk. I couldn't ask him at all."
I want to touch the stones, but can't.

Didn't I just clean this up at your house?

"It's the game I hand-delivered to him from Sensei."
"Oh…" He nods, but I see he's gripping onto his knees.
"That match is actually between his father and me. Sensei was white and I was black. In his place, I would play white and Akira was to continue from my position from where we left off."
"I don't get it. He's been going every morning, whether in person or online, to play his father. That was the only condition his father had about moving out of their house. He had to continue on with the games every morning. Why would this be any different?"
I glance in his direction, pushing my glasses up and at a loss for words.

Was it because Sensei recognized me as the one who inherited his techniques?
Was it because of the questions you've been asking me about why I never left Sensei?

That no matter what angle you took, you wouldn't win against your father in my mind, heart, or soul?

"I have an idea, but I'm not exactly sure either."

And as soon as I eye the board, I realize I'm not the only one losing when I exchanged their trust by wanting what I know I shouldn't have asked for in the first place.

You'll be paying for it too, Akira…So why did you still go after me anyway and pass the borderline?
What could make you want to when it clearly does nothing but hurt you?

But even so, how would I affect your Go this much for you to shut down like this?

My eyes land back on Shindou.
"Are you all right?"
Shaking my head, I brush it off as it's nothing. "I haven't slept for a few days. It must be catching up to me."
Putting his hand on my forehead, he comments, "You seem to be okay…Come on, let's go to Aki."

But for some reason, he pulls on my vest in between his knuckles, as if I'll leave if he doesn't hold onto me.

When he opens the door, he announces, "Aki, I brought Ogata-sensei to see you."
About to turn around to leave, I gesture for him to stand where he is. "Please stay."
"But…"
"You want to know too, right?"

Hikaru doesn't entirely understand what he's waiting for, but stands aside for me to enter and remains at the threshold.

We've been going round and round. Maybe if we're both here, it'll answer some things.

The very instant I step through, the oppressive pressure crushes us.

There are ripped pieces of crumbled paper thrown on the floor along with black and white Go stones scattered everywhere. It's like a war field in chaos, extending far beyond the 19 x 19 parameters.

This room's the complete opposite of the one at home.

"Akira?"
Apathetically, he makes no effort to respond.

But the floor screams at me, an extension of the papers at his home.

Though I can't exactly stroke it with my finger…
I know this feeling.

I'm beginning to understand.

As I stand in the middle being ignored, I can't help but feel how deeply percipient Akira appears, quietly watching the balcony atop a desk with only a black shirt on. Divided in half by a zipper, one side is completely solid while the other half has 3 lined strips of white separated by thin lines of black, each saying in silver, "Chikai," "Igo/Baduk/Weiqi", and "Eien ni."

The oath. Go. Forever.

Holding one leg up, his chin rests on it while the other leg dangles underneath. With eyes downcast, he stares out the window screen from a dimmer part of the bedroom.

He's been rushing his whole life only to come to a dead halt. I've never seen him so composed in such an unsettling way.

The particles of light flitting through the room highlight the disturbed peacefulness within his features: The sheen of his hair with its disheveled ends, the curves of his body through his rumpled shirt, the well-kept hands for presentation with their calluses underneath now have some cuts on them.

But…but his eyes are completely dead!

I almost want to break down from the sight.

I've seen you exhausted, but never, ever lifeless! Where did your fire go?!

"I'm sorry if I've disappointed you."
He only blinks his eyes vacantly.

Because I went past the line of decency, you're learning to suffer the repercussions…
Your mind can't get past your lack of life experiences.

Now, it's slipping into confusion along with your confidence…
And it's my fault.

Here I've been running away my whole life to live outside of what's expected of me. Watching him there, I look at my open palms and realize that I just wholeheartedly became what I didn't ever want to be: A counterfeit fighter.
I've pretended to struggle aggressively, but the truth is that in the back of my mind, I tell myself I'll lose before I ever begin.

"This isn't like you, Akira."

Why does Hikaru have to call me to see this? To see you this way?
Could I have really caused this type of destruction?

I warily bend down to pick up several crumbled papers from the ground. "After you went through all that trouble to leave me that post-it. And those kifu."
Akira says absolutely nothing, not hearing me at all.

How does someone who plans so far ahead suddenly disintegrate before your eyes?

Unwrapping one paper after the other, I look up in alarm. But in the next moment, I close my eyes briefly and take a deep breath. My gaze lowers and I bite my lower lip. I hadn't done that since I was a child, disquiet behind my closed bedroom door.

Father's new life/death problem.

Why do you want me to play that, Ogata-sensei?

I thought you'd understand.

I'm sorry for pretending it never happened.

What do the last two messages even mean?

"I know you're tired. Playing many boards mentally. Because you're perfect, everyone expects you to just take it. I didn't mean to pile that game onto you. I only did it because your father asked me."
Lifting my head, I look at him again and grasp the paper in my hands. "But you're a champion. You never let anything deter you from what you want. That's where you and I differ. I…"

Quietly panicking, I close my mouth, glance at Hikaru at the threshold and around the room before my eyes focus on him once more. "I'm not as strong as you are. I could never have done what you have."

"On my first match with Shirakawa-san, I stayed up all night to prepare. But then I got sick. I had to take it as a loss in the end. I hated it. I was already having trouble keeping up with all the others who'd been playing since they were little, but I couldn't give up. I didn't want to give up the only place I'd carved for myself. With my own two hands, I'd found something I actually wanted. It was also my way out of all the social constraints.
"Tell me, who in their right mind would throw away a brand-name business to live a solitary life of Go? I only found that path because of your father. I owe him for many, many things."

Aki slightly turns his head towards us.

"I'd done everything so that I could play a match with Sensei only to royally mess it up. To meet him wasn't at all like I'd imagined it to be and I got depressed after that match even though I still continued to study Go and play.
"I know very well I'm not as skilled or talented as the others, but I know I work three times as hard to make it appear like I belong here. What takes you a glimpse, has taken years of experience with guidance from your father and me resetting, analyzing, and reworking what I've done and learned.
"To tell the truth, after that match with your father, I went to the hospital. I spent several days relentlessly studying our moves, post-match. I didn't realize that I didn't sleep for five days and forgot to eat or didn't eat enough. I don't quite remember except that I woke up in a hospital room with an IV stuck into my arm.
"My mother was overseas on a business trip and my father called me because he couldn't leave his desk, leaving a message with the nurse who took care of me. I stared up at the ceiling, but I ended up checking myself out. I made the decision that I didn't want to follow their footsteps."

I take a few steps towards Akira.
"That is why I follow everything Sensei asks of me. Over and over, he's been reliable even at times I thought for sure he'd trade me for someone else as his student."
"But you're-"
Shaking my head, I start to pick up the black and white in order to distract myself from staring at either of them. "You didn't know me. We used to fight so much. Sensei scolded me many times for my appearance or the way I played. He's the one that spiffened me up and made me look the part that I was born into but never wanted to be. I have to confess though, it was your mom who took me shopping and taught me how to properly conduct myself.
Lifting my head, I look straight into his eyes. "Your parents taught me to respect myself."

Behind me, Shindou asks, "Why didn't your parents come?"
Turning my head towards him, I reply, "My mother inherited her family business. I am her only child. My father was her lover. Life was complicated."

I'm now standing in front of Akira, who is looking at me in incredulity.
"It's not an excuse, but you can imagine why I am very loyal to Sensei. I cannot be here without him. Even if I'm lagging behind the two of you and barely holding onto my one title."
Holding out my hand to touch the top of his head, he gazes up at me. "But I-"
"You've done nothing wrong. So just finish the question before I get in trouble, all right?"

That's when he hangs his head in defeat, covering his face with his hands. "Is that problem you brought a code for me decipher that Father's really dying?"

I gulp, knowing some part of my soul is cracking.
He begins to sob, "Are you the one he acknowledged after all?"
"Aki…" Hikaru sighs.

When I take my hand away, he grabs it and presses it onto his forehead. But he's trembling with his eyes closed.
"I'm the son, but you're his first student. I mean the exhibition was to showcase his match with you! Of course I admire you, but I'm jealous that after all the effort I'd done to live under all those unspoken rules for Go and being his son, he played you and not me! As a player, I'm hurt, but as his son too!"
Tears form against his scrunched up eyes and they fall one by one into his lap.
"And then I took advantage of you. Again and again, whenever I was frustrated, you were the one I'd take it out on. But you never minded and I've always wondered why?
"I never told Mother or Father how frustrated I was when Hikaru defeated me. That I played extra games with you so that I could regain some part of myself that I was losing to Hikaru. Then one day, you recognized him as a worthy opponent, praising his technique.
"Now, I went too far at the hospital…"

"That…wasn't a dream? But you said-"
He averts himself away, facing the wall. "I pretended it didn't happen because I thought it never would. What you do, what you say, how you play…I never understand you! I can never catch any part of you!"
"And it's okay to destroy your drive over this? I'm not worth it. Shindou maybe, but not me."

"What?!" I could feel Shindou staring a hole into me, but it's Akira who raises his hand.
"That's the part he has yet to discover for himself, Hikaru."

I look from side to side at the both of them.

Just how much have you both talked about me?

"All this time, I thought I knew who I was. No one could tell me otherwise. But Hikaru changed that. I had to rebuild my Go. I had to transform 'my self'. Behind it all though, I always went to you to remember who that Akira was." He opens his eyes and lets go of my hand to look up into my face. Another tear rolls down. "But what if you weren't there, Seiji? I'd have to face them all by myself. Why? Because even if I want to defeat my Father, the first one I need to defeat is you. The player. The man. And parts I don't know, especially the one attached to Father. And the one Father counts on more than me."

Taking his face into my hands, I wipe the water droplets with my thumbs. "That isn't true."
"How do you know?"
"Because you are his son. Sensei didn't mellow out until you were born."
"He was worse than this?"
I nod. Taking my hands away from his cheeks, I poke his forehead to pull down the skin between his eyebrows. Hikaru begins to giggle.
Clearing my throat, I do my best imitation of the low growl that defines Sensei's voice. "'Again. Faster. See it in your mind.' He always had a serious face while teaching me."
Akira begins to smile while Hikaru's laughing, saying, "Your impression's spot ON!"
"Please don't tell him about it. He will not hesitate to give me a hundred drills of personally planned life/death problems to get his point across. He's done it before."

That is when Shindou runs up to hug him. "Aki!"
And for some strange reason, he starts to poke Akira's face to get Sensei's expression right. I start to chuckle.
But when he embraces him again, I tip my head and gracefully accept my defeat. "I'll come back for the game later then."
Closing the door behind me, I walk through their living room. I take one last glimpse of the two boards before going to the genkan to put my shoes on.

Sitting down, I sigh. When I slip one shoe in, the door opens. Someone scrambles to tightly embrace my shoulders from behind.
"Thank you, Ogata-sensei."
"You don't need to thank me for anything-"
Shindou shakes his head and squeezes me. "Mm-hm~. There's a ton of stuff I have to say thank you for."

I wonder what he's talking about…?

I pat his arm and about to grab my other shoe when the door opens again.
"AHEM."
I turn my body with Shindou's arms still draped over my shoulders and we both stare up at Akira, his shirt barely covering his thighs.
Mischievously, Shindou raises his eyebrows with an evil grin. Just to tease Akira, he hugs me even more, snuggling his face into my back. "Heh!"
Trying to keep himself composed, but is so obviously jealous, Akira shouts with closed fists. "Hikaru~!"

Oh...?
Unreasonably, my heart flutters at the sight.

I am both uncomfortable and confounded being the reason for their debate, though I cannot help but feel an awful affinity towards Shindou since we're both enjoying Akira's annoyed face.
This expression rivals the pouty one whenever I poke his pride.

Akira steps forward and leans down to pull on both Shindou's collar and my vest. "Let's go finish those games."
"At the same time?" Shindou winces while grimacing.
He gives us both that ferocious look. "But of course."

I'm relieved to see that expression on your face, Akira.

Letting go, he turns around, goes through the door and it clicks, but we are both still sitting at the genkan.
"He really has nice legs, doesn't he?" Shindou bites the knuckle of his index finger.
Clearing my throat as he unties his arms from my neck, I slip the shoe off. "For once, we do agree on something, Shindou."
Walking up to the door, he holds onto the handle. "You didn't even protest."
I push my glasses up. "I've learned long ago that it's futile to do such things with Akira."
"You've always spoiled him, haven't you?"
"Would I be here otherwise?"
Laughing, he opens the door. "You got a point there…but I was talking about the legs."
"Me too."

Akira sneezes and is sitting in between the two boards, pushed slightly apart for him to sit in the middle. The air has completely transformed.

Rrrr~! Akira's stomach growls loudly and he blushes while still sitting in place.
"I guess we'll have dinner first," Shindou comments.
Akira nods with an embarrassed grin.
I raise my hand. "I am rather famished as well."
Hikaru points at me. "Do you always have to talk so stiffly?"
"Excuse me?"
Akira's eyes bounce from Shindou's to my face in bemusement, but after a few seconds, he bursts out laughing.

What a wonderful sound. I haven't heard it in so long…

Before I take out my phone to order something, I read Akira's shirt again.

The oath. Go. Forever.
My simple wish in all its complexities.

Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
-
Author's note: Wow, months of writing scenes in parts, I hadn't realized I'd already outlined this whole chapter! But once I started, it wrote itself and I was relieved that I could clearly see the steps leading to the end. (I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but I already wrote the ending for this.) This is the first time since I've written in my entire life that I wrote backwards and am working my way to connect the idea/beginning with the ending I initially had.

Love,
Yui

4/22/2021 6:10:40 PM – Los Angeles
4/23/2021 10:10:40 AM – Tokyo