Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata x Akira, Hikaru + Akira, Hikaru + Ogata
Rating: PG-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?
Disclaimer – Shogakukan-Shueisha Productions, Studio Pierrot, Hotta Yumi-sensei, and Obata Takeshi-sensei own Hikaru no Go. The reason we're here is because my obsession continues to flourish for this title. :D And "Departures" is by the awesome group Globe!
chiisana yasashisa wo kure
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 14 – More than you'll ever know.
Stirring from a soft murmur, the sight before me is endearing.
Shining from the panel of windows, there's a soft glow of particles surrounding the both of them. Akira holds the phone on his shoulder while laying a stone onto one of the Go boards. Next to his, Shindou is rubbing his chin and reading a book while taking small glances of the game next to his, but is sure not to disturb the morning match.
I'm still not sure why I subjected myself to this arrangement, but when I see their faces, a velvety sense of comfort washes over me. Like I've been wandering my whole life and running without an end or beginning. Blurry as it is, I'm peeking beyond the obstacle that's hindered me for so long.
What did I really want in bringing you two here?
Through the phone, Akira's chin lowers. "Arimasen."
Nodding, Shindou reads through his book, again looking over at Akira's board and then at his own. I notice him finally touching the third board.
What's he doing anyway?
"Yes, Father. Hikaru and I are staying at Ogata-sensei's until your exhibition begins…I won't cause him any headaches…I understand…Hello, Mother…Yes, I'll be eating breakfast now." He smiles and Shindou pokes his cheek before placing another marker on the third board as I put on my glasses.
Tilting his head and looking at me, Akira mouths as he nods to the phone, "Ohayou gozaimasu."
Shindou lifts up a stone in each hand and waves them at me. Tap, tap~! He places them down simultaneous on each board and looks very satisfied, crinkling his nose.
"Have a good day, Mother."
I finally get up and that's when I start to feel my face start to hurt.
I've been grinning at them this entire time.
"Ohayou gozaimasu." I make my way to the kitchen to cook some strawberry and blueberry waffles.
+/+/+/+/+/
I thought we'd be awkward around one another, but it wasn't at all.
After three days, we've already gotten into the outlines of our joint schedules and living situation. Akira wakes up to play his father on the first board while talking to him on the phone. Shindou's next to him reading either kifu or a book and places his fan on the cushion in front of the third board. He seems to be playing two games concurrently and I've yet to ask him why.
I tend to rise just at the end of Akira's exchange with Sensei so that I can make breakfast. It's the one meal I've looked forward to throughout my life because it's gives me time for inner clarity. For a long time, there was nothing else but the motions of the day until Sensei came into view inside my small world, and even more when I became his student.
Rubbing my eyes, I sit up and put on my glasses when Akira stands up to come over to me.
"Father, I'll just have Ogata-sensei call you later…Yes, he's awake, but, um…" He gives me a worried look.
I just nod my head and hold out my hand.
"I'm handing over the phone now."
"Hello, Sensei."
"Hello to you too. So how are you faring with Akira and Shindou-kun staying with you until the exhibition?"
"They're doing well."
"That's good. And you, how are you doing?"
"Hmm? I'm keeping up somehow." I find myself laughing at the phone.
This isn't quite what I expected to hear.
He's usually very clear-cut about his business.
"You seem to have your work cut out for you, Ogata-kun."
The tone of amusement isn't lost on my ears and I instantly return into my middle school body because I find myself blushing while looking down at the futon.
"I wanted to tell you that the new venue will be in Odawara. Until then, keep healthy."
"I should be telling you the same, Sensei. Thank you. I will come to the study session on Thursday."
"Akira has declined to come for the time being while he's with you."
"Oh?" I lift my head and my eyes wander to his figure pointing and whispering to Shindou, who is nodding and pinching his chin.
Why is that?
"Will you take over the morning sessions since he is with you?"
My mouth opens to decline, but no words come to mind.
"Is it that surprising to ask you? Last time, you were upset with me for failing to inform that I chose you to continue his morning exchanges."
"I just didn't expect you to give that to anyone. After all, you are you." My eyes focus on the stitches of my futon.
Why are you telling me this now and on Akira's phone?
"I'm not invincible," Sensei admits with a pause.
My heart pounds, fighting the cage around it.
"You are the only I can ask," you want to say, but can't.
"Of course I will do it, Sensei. If that is what you wish."
"Thank you. Now I don't have to worry. See you very soon, Ogata-kun."
"Yes. See you soon too."
Click.
When I fold the phone, I clench it in my hand and get up to give it back to Akira. He and Shindou look up.
"Seems I will be taking over your morning games while you're staying with me."
I can't read his face, but Akira bows his head. "Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."
Shindou raises up his hand and as if to relieve to the tension that crushed the room, he says, "I want morning sessions too~."
Akira shoots his head towards Shindou's direction and breaks out into a smile, ready to laugh.
"You do?" I give Akira back his phone, but I feel his fingers slide on my palm.
I'm really awake now.
With dead seriousness, Shindou nods his head. "Yes, I do."
"All right, but after you answer one question."
"Yes?"
I gesture my hand towards the third board. "I've been curious as to why you have two different games going on."
He points to the second board. "This is Honinbou Shuusaku's game and myself."
Then, the third…
"This one…" He brushes his hand on the third board. "is Sai against himself. His old self."
And he places his hand over his heart. "And his new incarnation."
This declaration takes more than my breath away as I watch his eyes change…
…and they seem to be more dangerous than Akira's.
+/+/+/+/+/
All previous days are reset with Sensei's request.
Because Akira must leave early for his 3rd match of the Shinjin-O, I wake up earlier than I usually do and am already making breakfast so that my brain can go into a more functional mode. Shindou's still sleeping when Akira walks into the kitchen and sits down at the dining table.
"Ohayou gozaimasu."
"Ohayou." I turn off the stove and place everything onto three plates and six bowls.
I serve him some saba with miso and rice, and arrange the other items on the table before sitting across him.
We both bow our heads. "Itadakimasu."
"Akira, I…"
He looks up with the chopsticks in his mouth. "Hmm?"
Are you okay with me doing your morning sessions?
"Never mind."
But although I thought it, I pretend that it's as smooth as gel. He doesn't act like it outwardly, but people in the know (his parents, Ichikawa, Shindou, and myself) recognize Akira worries over things as much as he obsesses. Like me, his mind's constantly thinking.
I poke his nose, gruffly saying, "Stop and enjoy your breakfast."
"Yes…" He nods.
We eat silently until Shindou comes in and kisses Akira on the cheek. "Ohayou."
Scratching his head, he pulls out the chair next to his and gives a big yawn. He rubs his eyes and then gets a good look of the food. He gasps excitedly. "It's completely different from yesterday's!"
"I'm glad you're enjoying the variety…?" I cut my saba with my chopsticks.
I'm not sure he heard me at all from the happy squeals when he pokes pieces of the white peaches and watermelon at the center of the table. When I take a glimpse of Akira, he's already picking off a rice grain from Shindou's cheek with a smirk.
His nervousness evaporates and just as I'm about to look elsewhere, he glances at me, purposely blinking both eyes which glister back at me.
Now I'm very motivated to do our morning matches.
+/+/+/+/+/
"Onegaishimasu."
We both bow our heads towards one another.
The strange thing is that because I've seen their morning bouts since the beginning, it isn't hard to step into the role. I don't think to aspire to play exactly like his father (as he's done all his life), however, I'm looking directly at him.
Usually, I dive into the board, but I keep countering him. It's more of fencing rather than a painting.
Ahh…So this is how you play with Sensei in the morning.
I'm not sure how to feel about this new approach, but then again…
Is it because I'm in my own house with him that I actually feel comfortable?
Oddly, this is the first time I'm seeing him struggle in a game. He doesn't seem to care about me seeing his ire over the predicament. Honestly, I'm enticed by this cerebral wrestling. That in some way, I've stumped him when he's been my personal riddle ever since he learned his first word: My name.
It really was only a matter of time.
Tap. I lay a stone, biting into the wing he's planning to extend. It marks the end of our game.
When I look at him, his resentful glower says everything.
No matter how many times I've seen it, I'm in love with this look.
"You…"
"Yes?"
"Why are you..." His gaze scatters among the stones, his eyebrows furrowing. Then, he shakes his head and the hostility subsides. "No, it's fine. I'll tell you another time."
I'm confused more than ever, but we review the game together without bringing up the topic. After half an hour, he holds his knee and starts to get up. "Sorry, I know that we have to discuss this further, but I've got to leave now or I'll miss the train."
"I can drive you to the station."
"No, that's all right. Hikaru has been looking forward to playing with you."
Shindou walks in and switches places with Akira.
"I'll be back in the evening." Akira leans down and firmly grips onto Shindou's jaw. One eyebrow lifts up. "So you better be good."
I pretend to cough because I can't help but chuckle at the puppy dog pout Shindou gives in response.
"I got it already!"
Without warning, Akira yanks him to kiss him into breathlessness. "Mmph!"
When he lets go, Shindou bites his lower lip when Akira raises one index finger. "Don't make any trouble for Ogata-sensei."
"Sheesh, yes!" He nods compliantly. "Good luck, Aki."
"Thanks, Hikaru."
When he passes by me, I don't expect him to, but he takes my cheeks and when our eyes meet, he pushes his palms onto them until I make some weird face that makes him giggle.
"In advance, forgive him for whatever he'll do."
I raise an eyebrow.
Tapping his forehead to mine for a second, he pulls away with a soft grin. "See you later, Seiji."
The door clicks downstairs when Shindou stretches his arms and slaps his cheeks. But then he reaches over to the next cushion to take his precious fan into his hand. When he looks up, all the hairs in the back of my head stand on end. The air sweeps away the cool, carefree attitude and replaces it with a brewing aura of a thousand stone battles.
The latent remnants of Sai grab hold of my whole body from across the wooden board.
+/+/+/+/+/
Finally, I get to breathe after being on my toes for an hour.
I watch Shindou's index finger touch focal points of our play.
But I really don't get him…
As soon as he lets go of the fan to place it back onto the cushion next to him, Shindou's the same as always, rapidly and enthusiastically discussing about our bout as if he's been waiting a long time for it. We both get a drink of water from the kitchen and he goes straight back to studying, but this time, he sits in the third seat, leaving the fan in the middle where he usually sits.
I take a cigarette break in the sun, squinting as I look back to see him playing animatedly as he usually does. He grabs his head and leans forward. You would have sworn he was talking to someone on the other end of the table.
And I do see something flicker, but rub my eyes. "I really do need more sleep…"
I press my cigarette to the ashtray's rim and go back inside to get my MP3 player. Sitting down, I take over the board Akira's been using while Shindou continues his studies of Honinbou Shuusaku's bouts while battling his own version of Sai. To tune him out and get into my own zone, I listen to certain music. Since my next opponent for my own competition before the exhibition is the Kisei title, I'm listening to "Invincible" by Pat Benetar.
After two hours, I lean back and shake my head.
It's no good. I understand why they have their 'feud' (leaning more from the Oza rather than Sensei), but I need to break through, especially now.
When I turn my head, no matter how frustrated I am, it doesn't compare to Shindou's disappointment. "I don't want to be left behind. I'm too slow..."
I stand up and stretch my legs before going to the library for a book. Then, I come back down to my desk, unlocking the middle drawer. The clear file folder is thin and I look through another one, which is of medium thickness. I bring everything back to the board and begin to study again with Shindou playing on both boards.
But left to his own devices, Shindou never fails to push my boundaries.
It's almost lunchtime when warm arms hug my shoulders just as I'm deep in thought over the last battle between Sensei and the Oza.
"Yes?" I look over at Shindou's profile with a raised eyebrow.
"I've learned a lot about you just from being here a few days."
Ingratiating himself, he takes my earbud. Bobbing his head, he flashes a smile with his teeth showing and eyes glimmering. "I like the stuff you've been listening to."
"Oh?"
We listen together and as I reference the clear files and the open book, he places his chin over my shoulder and follows my hand movements.
"Ah!" He points excitedly. "He loved doing that move just to spite me!"
"Akira?"
He shakes his head. "No, Sai."
Pushing his tongue into his cheek, his eyes have a memory passing through them and begins to laugh. I feel happy for him because he's become so relaxed. Nonchalantly, I place a piece onto the board.
He calls out, "11-17."
With eyes half-closed, he stares at it and I'm astonished because he's figured out my puzzle within a mere glimpse.
Can't you see you're catching up to your 'old self'?
I feel nothing but pride, a reversal of when I'd dragged him off the children's competition floor.
But now I understand why Akira won't give you up. In this short amount of time, who'd have known you'd enchant me as well…
Or have I been spellbound since the beginning?
I cover my mouth so that he won't see the smile he brought to my face.
Instead, he flips through the pages of both clear files. I don't stop him as he squeezes my shoulders.
"This is…"
"Sai," I reply. "These are all the games I knew about."
"The one with Aki on the net…Meijin…the hotel…" His eyebrows wrinkle and he closes his eyes. "How'd you get the plays from the people we played online?"
I feel him bury his head into my back.
"He once told me that from his position, he sees people as crystals. In his case, since he loved Go so much, the brightness for him reflected a person's love of Go. He said of all the people around me, yours rivaled Aki's and his father's.
That's why I promised I'd play you someday."
I look up to the ceiling and we don't say anything. From outside, we hear a motorcycle pass by.
"You can borrow these if you want."
"I can't believe you have records of his plays, even the ones on the net." His arms lower as he crosses his them over my chest, pressing his cheek to my back. "Yet another thing to add on that list."
"What's this list you keep mentioning?"
He gives me another hard squeeze, but rapidly stands up and wipes his face.
He's already stepping back when I turn around to face him.
"You should go back to practicing, Sensei. Sorry for interrupting."
Quickly running away to the kitchen for a snack, I reach out for him, but hold myself back.
Instead of solving some part of the jigsaw, you give me more pieces to connect.
+/+/+/+/+/
For the rest of the afternoon, Shindou and I decide to do multiple game sessions, but embodying the different techniques and attitudes of other players. If I was jolly Kurata, he played diligent Isumi. This suits us just fine because we end up finding characteristics of ourselves within these people. Unexpectedly, I grow accustomed to his habit of hi-fiving whenever we discover something new.
We're finishing our rendition of a title match between Sai and Morishita-sensei when Akira arrives back.
It's a little after 8pm, but we all dig in as soon as we touch the table. Akira goes over his game and Shindou and I listen while eating spinach pasta with pesto sauce and Caesar's salad. As Shindou's about to bring up the file of Sai's plays, my phone vibrates and I freeze at the tune playing:
"Dokomademo kagirinaku
furitsumoru yuki to anata e no omoi
Sukoshi demo tsutaetakute todoketakute
soba ni ite hoshikute…"
The phone sings as I swiftly excuse myself to pace back and forth at the balcony.
"Why are you calling me?" My tone is as prickly as all the defensive quills in my body rise up.
"I'd never bother you, Seiji…" She takes a deep breath, but it becomes unstable. "But you should visit your father at home."
"Why would I-"
"He collapsed." Gasping, I could imagine her cupping her hand over her mouth. "He's just had a stroke."
My mother, a woman of pure titanium, could only be broken by my father. This is more than an emergency.
"You were the ones who told me to never come back."
"Don't be stubborn now."
"From the very person I inherited it from."
"Check on him. That's all I ask of you."
I sigh. "…"
"I won't call you again. I promise."
The dial tone dies and I put it into my pocket. Taking out a cigarette, I sit on the table and cross my legs, watching the cloudless indigo up above.
/"No. I said NO." Father stood behind me as I sat in the chair eating houjicha chiffon cake.
"But you can start life again and get further in your career if I take him-"
"I like where I am."
"You are the lover of your company president. And you don't even want to quit! Do you even know what this all means?" Exasperated, my grandmother ran her gentle finger down my cheek. "Think of Sei-chan's future-"
"We will get through it together, but I won't give him to anyone! Not even you, Mom."
Grandmother sighed, sat up in her chair and folded her hands.
As he picked me up, the fork and light brown cake pieces fell to the waxed floor. "No matter what, I'm keeping him with me."
"You won't get mar-"
"Seiji will stay here and I'll continue to be with her. That's set in stone."
He clutched onto me as I looked at his hard expression.
"If you don't want to see us, that's fine. But this is what I've decided."/
I was too young to understand…
Through the glass panel, Shindou is coming towards me with Akira right behind him.
Why does that have to flash back at me now?
+/+/+/+/+/
Shindou leaves as soon as we finish our morning matches and I put my wallet into my pocket. Akira gets up from his board and pats my chest, fixing my tie. "Going somewhere?"
"Oh. I forgot to mention I'm stepping out for a bit. I promise I'll be back by dinner."
There's no way I'd want to stay there that long though.
He redoes my tie as I stand there watching him trying to calm my pace down. "Should I come with you?"
"You…you shouldn't come with me."
But he refuses to let go of my tie.
I turned my face away. "I never want you to meet them."
"But-"
"They're not worthy of ever touching your feet. If they say or do anything to you, I'd plain kill them."
Instead of letting go, the more he holds on.
"Fine."
Even in the car, he pinches my light cyan blouse. Now, not only am I apprehensive, he's losing precious practice time. He may not mind, but if he mentally defocuses because of this, I'll blame myself for it.
When we park in front of the familiar apartment, I stand at the door, commenting. "This is the place where I grew up."
Akira takes a glimpse of my apathy as I ring the bell. One of my cousins opens the door. "Oh…!"
She eyes me and pours the saccharine fakeness towards Akira's direction that I almost want to gag. My stomach's already churning to throw up.
These people…
"Thanks for coming…" She eyes Akira, who bows his head and politely introduces himself.
I can already see through her motives.
There are uncles, aunts, and cousins, around the dining area as if it's a reception, but they don't even bother to turn to me. True to fashion, they chirp their judgments amongst one another. No one 'outside' except Akira is here so they don't need to go all out displaying their business 'skills' and pleasantries. It's also because of Akira that they stop short of doing anything to me too.
On the outside, he fits the perfect profile of their version of 'the successful'.
Akira's eyes move from area to area, but I waste no time, not wanting him to think too hard of what's happening. When they try to maneuver towards him, I protectively lead him upstairs and knock on the door.
"Come in."
When we step in, Father has his back towards me and pulls a newspaper, but can't seem to find something.
"I keep saying you don't have to knock every time you come in."
"Father."
He looks up and pushes up his glasses.
"Seiji…" He stops scrambling for whatever he's looking for.
Seeing him in a casual, gradient polo shirt that's white on the shoulders and changes from light to dark gray by the hem, a tiny smile comes to my lips. The man I've known is impeccable and spotless, his trousers always pressed and a vest with a tie to match, regardless of the weather.
He's the only one I know who has a habit of wearing fingerless gloves. Though looked down upon in general, he pulls off the look all the same.
But he's visibly much thinner now.
"This is Touya Akira. Sensei's son."
"Ah." He stares at me, still in disbelief that I'm standing before him. "Your mother called you, did she? I told her I was all right."
"A stroke is far from just 'all right."
"Take a seat before you start arguing with me. I swear you take after your mother in that department."
"What happened?"
"I was at the office taking a call, but I suddenly got dizzy. You know how I pace around the room when I do that? Well, I lost my balance and could no longer hold my arm up. My body seemed to do nothing that I told it to, but…luckily, your mother came in at that time to check up on the hotel shipments when she found me slipping to the ground."
Knock, knock.
My cousin comes in to offer tea and ask if my father needs anything. She smiles and leans forward to ask Akira if he wants something as well, but he politely tunes her out.
By now, there must be so many questions in his mind. The faster I want to get out of here.
"So what have you been doing?"
"Go. Just Go."
"I'm glad you stuck with it."
"I thought you didn't-"
"You'd never listen if I supported it, right?"
He looks out the window and I don't say a word.
"Besides, you look a lot calmer than before."
I do?
And that's when I notice something sticking out from under his pillows.
I reach out for the tan envelope, but everything spills out.
Akira and I pick up the papers from the ground, but when I scan them, they seem to all be articles or interviews about me.
"When did you start collecting these?"
Akira takes the ones in my hands and mixes them with his, straightening out the papers. Without reservation, he asks my father, "Do you mind if I read these?"
"Please."
Akira avidly reads through the clippings and I'm almost annoyed that I can't see his expressions, but my father watches him for a moment before folding his hands. He exhales shakily and I look down to the floor.
"Are you enjoying your life now?"
I lift my eyes and nod. "Yes."
"That's good."
The splashes of oil paint emotions mix up inside me and I can't put them back into their respective solids. The anger whirls along the compassionate colors, but as I look at him, the blending can be beautiful too.
I absolutely do not like the people outside this room, but there must be something good if this person exists here. They don't know any better than me…so, for whatever reason, the wrath I held isn't as volatile as before.
"I don't get it. You're ten years younger than Mother."
He shakes his head. "Age has nothing to do with it."
I've never been able to talk to my father quite so frankly, but maybe age has everything to do with it…
…and because I see your relationship through Akira and Shindou.
"I'm…sorry for walking out."
He chuckles. "Oh that wasn't a problem. Your mother sent out all kinds of investigators to find you. You know how she is."
"What?"
"We always knew where you were, especially when these articles came out."
I sigh.
But when I was younger, wouldn't you have been pissed off?
"It's good that you're looking healthier." He reaches out to fix my collar. "Good fashion sense as always too."
And then his eyes become red. "You were always a good child."
"I caused so much trouble…"
And that's when it hits me.
If I weren't born, would it have better for the both of you?
"That's what children are supposed to do. I'm afraid I didn't do a good job of regulating though." Father pats my shoulders and then puts his hand to the back of his head.
"But all the stuff I did…"
"Compared to me, you're a saint if your grandma had anything to say about it." He laughs.
"Then why didn't you come to the hospital when I collapsed?"
"I told them not to tell you. How do you think you got out without parental signatures?"
Stupefied, I sit there motionless as Akira holds out the papers towards him.
"Thank you for letting me read these."
My father rubs his chin, but puts his hand up to push the stack back to Akira along with the envelope they spilled from. "Since you enjoyed them more than me, you can keep them if you'd like."
Akira holds them the stack with both hands and bows his head. "No, I couldn't accept-"
"You're the first one Seiji has ever brought home."
He doesn't see it, but I do: "You must be special," those eyes say.
Akira raises his head, humbly saying, "Thank you."
"I'd like you to stay longer, but I need to rest now, so…"
"Yes, of course." We get up. "I'm glad I came."
When Akira is out of the room, my father says, "Sorry I wasn't always there for you."
"No, that's not true," I admit. "I refused to accept that it wasn't the way I wanted it to be. But you were. I think I was angry that we couldn't be more 'conventional'."
"Aren't you still angry?"
"I was. But that was a long time ago." I smile at him. "So thanks for letting me play Go."
On the drive home, Akira looks through the envelope.
"They're…"
"You don't have to be polite or say anything unnecessary. That's why I told you not to come."
He fingers through the clippings and stops. "There are envelopes addressed to you in here."
"For now, can you keep them? I'll ask for them later."
When I'm ready to read them.
+/+/+/+/+/
That evening, after a long bath, Akira combs through Shindou's damp hair as he childishly blows his bangs.
"I'm going to mess it up anyway."
"That's not the point."
Docile, Shindou closes his eyes with a grin and leans forward to kiss Akira. "Oyasumi, Aki!"
Akira tucks him in, takes his face into his hands, and kisses him right back. "Oyasumi, Hikaru~."
The sweet way he says his name makes Hikaru's face light up. He hugs him and leaves his arms around him as they both go to sleep.
Unfortunately for me, who is only a few meters away, is unable to drift off so easily.
I can't believe what Father said…and why did I listen to her so easily and go to him in the first place? Wasn't I upset and infuriated with them that I refused to see them all these years?
But…
I flip away from Akira and Shindou.
I'm glad Father is all right, but should I call Mother? Argh, I don't want to worry about this when the title match is the day after Sensei's study session. And this is the first time I've stayed in contact with people before a match.
I need my space, but I want to be with Akira and Shindou…
This is making no sense whatsoever.
Sighing, I curl my body into a ball, unable to sleep or run away from myself.
Oh, that's right I have to go feed the fish back in the apartment soon…
I hear someone get up and I think it's for the bathroom, but Akira crouches down to whisper into my ear, "Are you all right? You're tossing and turning more than Hikaru."
"I'm all right. You don't have to-"
But he gently lifts my head and takes the pillow so that he can place it onto his thighs. Running his fingers through my hair, the soothing effect works immediately. It reminds me of when his mother touched my head.
I start to grow tired, the tide of tenderness overriding all my anxious thoughts, especially after that whole event today. Silently, he brushes his fingernails against my scalp. It feels amazing, the tingles putting me into a heavier mood for sleep.
Just when I'm about to be swept off into dreamland, he hugs my head. "Seiji…"
I want to touch his face, but I can no longer control my body. Drowsily, I mumble, "Thank you."
"You should go back to bed…" I instruct, not knowing if I've said it at all.
We only hear the humming of the refrigerator in the quietude. But on the brink of falling into a deep sleep, he kisses my ear.
"I love you."
More than you'll ever know.
He holds me closer.
"When will you ever believe me?" His voice cracks, but the sound of his heartbeats drown my ears.
I don't want to get used to this…
Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
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Author's notes: It's funny how this small idea of "Why did Ogata-sensei stay with the Meijin for so long?" and that scene where Ogata is waiting for his match with Akira were the instigators of this fic. And this fic has developed into a larger concept that's taken over my brain for a few years now.
I've been writing other fics (Viewfinder, Tokyo Babylon, etc.) in between, but then there will be bouts where, seriously, my brain will not turn off.
The motivations of the characters from the manga and anime (and also the live action now that I've seen it) all swirl in my mind and when I discuss them with a friend, I realize just how much I've thought of Seiji, Aki, and Hikaru from writing this fic.
I'm continuously writing inserts of these "life moments" because I think what really attracts me about this fic is developing their relationships. Honestly, it's taken me a while to understand how Hikaru and Seiji interact.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to go further about Seiji's own family situation, but that idea also wouldn't leave me alone. It makes sense though because he's very passionate with Go and open to Akira, but is closed off with other aspects of his life.
Yes, for those new to me and my writings, I do think this hard about characters. ^^;;; It's like when I was writing "Invincible" for Initial D. There are drafts upon drafts of scenarios. A lot of it doesn't make it to the final edit. And for this fic, it's much worse than ever. I have probably written 2 or 3 scenes for a particular concept/idea that I want to teach/show, but only one will pass.
And through it all, there are heartfelt moments I do not want to overlook or miss the opportunity to write. I mean, that's why I decided to do a multi-chapter and not a one-shot for this particular fic. Life in general is so complicated…
Things you don't want to remember, they suddenly pop out. This happens when I go too far within a fic. I love Lou Bonnevie songs, but they touch a nerve that sometimes I cannot take. I'm glad I'm older now to be able to take the impact and can listen and write without crying or getting too angry about the past.
So thank you for reading so far! I know it's much lengthier than my usual fics, but at the same time, this fic has been one of the motivators for me to enjoy my days. I cannot tell you how much joy it's given me (even with all the heartache).
Love,
Yui
Translation:
Dokomademo kagirinaku
furitsumoru yuki to anata e no omoi
Sukoshi demo tsutaetakute todoketakute
soba ni ite hoshikute…
The piling layers of snow, wherever and without end,
I want to tell you a little of my thoughts
and for them to reach you,
That I wish to be beside you.
6/16/2021 12:59:41 AM – Los Angeles
6/17/2021 4:59:41 PM – Tokyo
Correction: I realize that the Oza title was done during the summer last year, but is usually done during the Fall/Winter so I've changed it to Kisei.
