Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata x Akira, Hikaru + Akira, Hikaru + Ogata
Rating: PG-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?
Disclaimer: Hotta Yumi-sensei and Obata Takeshi-sensei own Hikaru no Go. I'm in love with it, so here we are again.
chiisana yasashisa wo kure
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 15 – … but you don't need to know that.
An invigorating fresh wind sweeps over me.
"Ogata…"
This voice is pure mocha: Rich, warm and robust. It brushes against my eardrum, but leaves a deep impression on my whole body.
Even closer to my ear, it calls out my name once more. "Ogata."
"Yes?" I answer, trying to pry my eyes open.
Lying down with the strong light pouring above me, the silhouette rises slowly. I feel the smooth bamboo end of a fan brush down my cheek.
"Do your best. You're almost there."
"I am?"
"Just trust them."
"Who are you?"
The sound of my own voice wakes me up. In the semi-darkness, the sun has yet to rise.
I don't know anyone who sounds like that. But…
Where have I felt that presence before…?
I sit up and hold my head groggily, looking around to find Akira's on his side. His hand is clasping one corner of my blanket, partially blocking his face and a half-open mouth. However, Shindou's place is empty.
From the kitchen, I hear the soft crackling of oil frying and the faint smell of food.
He's making breakfast? And so early?
Still watching Akira, I hold my hand out and push his hair behind his ear.
/"I love you…When will you ever believe me?"/
My hand rests on his cheek.
What would I be without you?
Getting up, I noiselessly make my way to the kitchen and open and close the door as carefully as I can. Without a greeting, I lean against the door under the bright light and watch Shindou with my apron and leaning over the stove while nodding to himself.
It already smells great. He's somehow managed to cook many things at the same time: Boiling miso, frying eggs and sausages, and warming up broccoli. And beside the stovetop, he's cutting tomatoes and lettuce for salad while reheating some rice.
More than impressed, I fold my arms.
After arranging everything into their respective plates and bowls, he turns to wash his hands and spots me.
"Are you scared of me that you won't come here?" he jokes, pointing at the area next to him.
"I didn't want to interrupt you."
He wipes his hands with his back facing me. "You should."
I walk over to stand beside him so that I can help him. But as soon as I take a bowl of miso and salad into my hands, he smooths out my hair and I stand there watching him.
"Thanks for making breakfast. I'll make dinner toni-"
He sighs as he takes his hand away. "You don't have to. I wanted to do this."
"But-"
"I thought I'd let you rest a little more since you couldn't fall asleep." He starts to move the food to the dining table.
I do the same.
Halfway through, he pushes his fingertips onto the wooden surface.
"You kept on talking in your sleep."
"You don't have to worry about me."
"Of course I do." He sighs. "Now I really understand Aki's irritation with you."
Without even attempting a reply, we put the rest of the dishes onto the table.
"Why won't you accept when someone gives you something freely?"
I'm taken aback.
"I know you guys said you went to your Dad's, but when you came back, you were really depressed. Then you talked in your sleep. And you tell me not to worry? I thought we were doing well together here."
"We are, but why are you so upset?"
"Because I care about you!"
"Shindou…" Before I know it, I place my hands on his shoulders. "Thank you. For being concerned for my sake."
"I don't know what happened yesterday or whatever in your past, but you have us now. So why do you keep pushing us away?"
I take my hands away and when he's about to move past me to wake Akira up, I say, "I'm just not used to this."
To have people this attentive to me and want nothing in return.
He grabs my wrist. "It's okay to ask for something you need."
What I need…
"I'll try my best to do whatever you ask, Sensei."
"Why go that far?"
"Do you really need to ask?"
As soon as he lets go of me, I see him frown.
He slides the kitchen door open and I hear those words kiss my ear:
"Just trust them."
+/+/+/+/+
After our sessions, I leave to go to Sensei's.
"I should be back before 7, but if not, I'll call." I tap my shoe while balancing myself against the wall.
Akira nods as Shindou gives a thumbs up at the genkan.
When I avert myself away from them, there's a small hollowness welling up inside.
"Itterasshai," Akira says behind me.
"Ittekimasu," I blurt out, though it should have been the other way around.
I've never said it before though.
But I feel like I've forgotten to do something important…
+/+/+/+/+
"If you could keep that up when you compete tomorrow." Sensei folds his arms, still eyeing the board as I look on with Ashiwara and the others.
The even-tempered, yet quiet Masuda says, "Too bad it isn't with Ogata-sensei."
Ashiwara and I peer at one another, minutely dumbstruck that even Masuda made a comment about it.
He and Nagata take their leave as Sensei stands up to retrieve something from his office.
"You finally decided to join us in the title matches. It has been a while."
"I feel like we've had this conversation so many times already. Hahaha…" Ashiwara puts his hand to the back of his head. "But speaking of, before I see you, current Judan holder, you have the Kisei tournament starting tomorrow."
I nod my head, beginning to clear away the stones.
Ashiwara whispers while helping me, "Do you have any advice for me?"
"About…?"
"Keeping your cool."
"The butterflies never go away, if that's what you're asking."
It's his turn to stop and blink at me. "Years ago, you wouldn't have even answered that."
"Was I that intimidating before?"
"To be honest, yes."
"Ah…"
"You're going to be harder to beat now."
"With the way you're able to speak back to me now, you are too."
He smiles back at me.
Shhhshh…Clickclickclick…
"You know…when I was in kindergarten taking a class, you were still in the Institute. And one day, our instructor had you as a guest. You were playing a mock match with her and demonstrating some critical points within the play. But I'll never forget that day."
Huh?
I point my head towards his direction and cap the container.
"At one point, you smoothly laid the stone and leaned forward to stare at the teacher. Like you enjoyed playing someone strong even if it wasn't an official game. I don't know what it was, but you were really cool. I thought, 'I want to do that too.'" Ashiwara nods to himself, avoiding looking my way and is about to finish his set of stones.
"For a long time, I wanted to be like you."
Kwip. Closing the lid, he looks up and faces me. "That's partly why I couldn't compete confidently, especially when Akira-san became a pro. But not that's not the case anymore. So good luck to the both of us."
"Thank you." I bow my head a bit. "That means a lot to me."
Humbled, I hold my hand out. He stares at it and then shakes it.
"If you stop getting nervous, quit."
Letting go, Ashiwara starts to laugh. "Food for thought."
Sensei steps back into the room just as we've put everything back into its place.
+/+/+/+/+/
The mugginess of the humidity meets the highest temperature of the day by mid-afternoon. Ashiwara leaves and I also think of heading back to practice with Akira and Shindou.
I stop by Sensei's office to announce that I'm going when he stops me.
"Do you have time for some tea?"
"Yes."
What's this about?
But when I think we're going to the dining area, he doesn't go in.
"Akiko?"
"Yes?"
"I'll be heading out with Ogata-kun for a bit. I'll be back before dinner."
"Okay." She nods her head. "Itterasshai."
I follow him out the front door and am not quite sure what's going on. But as always, I don't question him. I know better than to protest, even if it's for his health's sake.
He's about to call a taxi when I insist that I can drive us to wherever he wants to go.
We end up at a bookstore that's hidden between two major streets and behind Shogokuken Productions. He walks in and the owner is glad to see him, bringing out a book he's saved.
For a few seconds, Sensei lays his palm on the front cover.
They talk briefly and Sensei pays for the book.
Next, we head across the narrowed path into what seems to be a private space. Walking through the nondescript door, the building is none other than a cabin-themed kissaten with owl motifs.
I'm more than beside myself.
Without batting an eye, I take a long breath as life comes full circle. After all, the first time we met is only a few streets away from here and the next station on the Sobu Line.
Too many emotions crowd me with their memories.
The very moment I sit down across him, with utmost earnest stupidity (and past habit), I'm interested in the tea he'll order. I decide on ordering a doppio espresso.
"Earl gray," he says to the waitress, who seems to have good taste because she (for whatever reason) is blushing. He's the only one in kimono in the sea of suits.
More than 20 years later, was that the flavor?!
As soon as the waitress leaves, Sensei folds his hands over one another. "I haven't been here for a while."
"Did you used to come here?"
"I used to, but not as often ever since I retired. Though I do visit whenever I'm around the area." He looks around the walls and places his gaze on a replica of a glass snow owl. "Actually, I came here before you became my student. Before I had any titles."
I glance around, but find Sensei watching me. "Is Akira progressing?"
"Yes. He's like a sponge. It's only been a week, but he's a different person with these morning sessions."
The way he fights you is unlike how he ever conducts himself with everyone else.
"So I find myself attacking in completely new ways."
"It's enjoyable, isn't it?" His lips curve a little upward.
"Very much." I sit back and fold my arms. "But it's phenomenal how hard and fast he can attack. And Shindou-kun? He's just as formidable. Seeing it up close is an experience all in itself."
"Is that why you asked them to stay with you?"
I stare at him, but shake my head.
"Then why if not that?"
The squirmish tension begins to shred little parts of me…
"I guess…" I adjust my glasses. "…I wanted to do something unlike my usual self."
"You've changed, Ogata-kun."
"That's not a bad thing. The reason I brought you here was to tell you that your plays have always shone. But whatever you've found through them, it's practically striking. All your moves have become eye-catching." He smiles proudly at me.
"It seems you don't mind standing out anymore."
"Sensei..." I look from side to side in embarrassment from the compliment. "Thank you."
"So, have you finally found what you were looking for?"
The waitress hands over his tea and my espresso.
You're asking me this now?
I don't touch my cup while Sensei takes a sip of his.
But unlike before, I face him head on. "I think so."
I understand why I forced myself into a point-blank confrontation with them.
"Ah…sou."
We drink without saying anything else and after a short while, he gets up for us to go.
+/+/+/+/+/
The car ride is just as nonverbal, each thinking in our own pace of time.
I park the car in front of his house.
Sensei takes his seatbelt off, but turns to put the wrapped book into my lap. "I asked the owner to find this. It took several years to locate a copy, but I want you to have it."
"Thank you very much. I'll take good care of it."
He gets out of the car, but I still take him as far as the gate.
"That text, as cliché as it will sound, is the reason why I started Go." He turns around and takes out his key. "A long time ago I had to sell it to cover my competition fees. I always wanted to get it back, but I felt compelled to give it to you."
"Sensei, I-"
"I'll see you next week, Ogata-kun." He steps through the gate. "Thank you for accompanying me for afternoon tea."
"Of course."
On the way home, I stop on the side of the road and as the trains go by through the fenced gates, I take the book out and gasp.
It's the other book he had out while I was observing him!
"What?"
My heart is about to burst the longer I look at the book cover.
It is Kawabata Yasunari's "The Master of Go", the Meijin's battle with his health and his opponent. Most of all, he's unable to relinquish his control over the game he's mastered.
In other words, the Meijin is reluctant to lose the identity of being the strongest Go player.
I don't have time to go to my apartment so I end up sitting in my car, but something urges me to open the book. This copy is a 1st edition!
But at the left-hand corner, in flowing, yet refined kanji, is a pen inscription:
19/07/19XX
To whoever's hands this ends up in,
may this inspire you.
– T.K.
P.S. If it's meant to be yours, it will return back to you.
And an emotional wave slaps me across the face as I read it. Soon, it rises and crushes me under its tide. The humidity makes breathing even harder as it starts to cloud my head too.
Before I know it, I mutely sob and the tears cease to stop. It's been a very long while since I've cried this hard that when I raise my head, the skies are sparkly black.
I've missed dinner.
+/+/+/+/+
On the phone, I apologize for being late. They insist on waiting for me so that we'd eat together.
During our meal, Shindou doesn't ask me anything further than the lesson pointers, but Akira wants to know if I need anything. I keep replying the same contradicting thing: "I'm fine."
I can't talk about that book or I'll fall apart.
After dinner, to get ready for tomorrow (and also stave off these nipping psychological piranhas lurking in my head), I play one last game with Akira and Hikaru before going to sleep. We each have laid the first move from our respective places and rotate our seats to the left, alternating every one and a half minutes. It takes about an hour until we stop the middle, first, and last board.
"I should've attacked here so I could've gained sente," Shindou says at the first board.
"I knew building a wall here was a long shot, but you figured it out in an instant." Akira sighs at the third one.
"I only gained a koma here, but why did you both alternate attacking and defending?" I point at the lower right-hand corner of the middle board. Then, I run my hand through my hair before leaning back.
Akira barely lets me breathe with the limited amount of space. I expected this all along, but his shadow keeps haunting my back, closing in every single day we play. He absorbs what I've been forced to discard and I'm dispensing more of myself to discover multiple players exist inside.
And Shindou! I can't believe he pulled that move off! Didn't Akira realize it? Is Shindou doing this subconsciously?
Why don't they realize how commanding and talented they really are?!
Comically, as if in unison, we all sigh in defeat.
Just as I'm about to start cleaning up, they encourage me to get ready for bed since I have to get up extra early tomorrow and it's already 10pm. I go upstairs and lay out a black blouse, a sleek light gray suit, and a lilac tie with diagonal white lines on the bed right before the nightly bathroom routines.
I hear laughter from downstairs as I'm wiping my face and lingering on my mirrored self.
My lips are a complete line.
Putting the towel on the hook, I pass by Sensei's book on the dresser. I don't want to touch it, afraid I'll lose myself again if I do.
I still can't believe he really gave me a piece of himself.
Grabbing my small notebook next to it and sitting on the floor, I quickly jot down key points of our matches as well as Sensei's. All the while, the afternoon café episode rewinds in the background of my thoughts.
Sensei just told me something significant. He shared a part I thought I'd never see. But is this the peak before the climax? It's as if-
Crick. The tip of my pencil breaks.
I sharpen it and notice the noise has died down. Picking up my notepad from the ground, I place it next to "Meijin" with the pencil right on top of it.
I hope I haven't forgotten anything.
When I go downstairs, my futon's already set up with Shindou concentrating on board three, the fan opposite of him. I don't disturb his concentration as I walk over to Akira at the far corner, who is writing on my desk.
He looks so comfortable there.
"Thanks for fixing my bed."
"Hikaru and I did it to save you time."
I glimpse down at the floor.
You two really think a lot about me.
"What are you writing?"
"Just notes."
"Like?"
"Highlights of the day. Things I missed or could have done. What I improved." He pats a red notebook next to him. "And things to explain to Hikaru later."
"Do you do this every day?"
He nods, biting at the end of my black ink pen.
"Me too," I confess. "That's what I was just doing upstairs."
"I think that's it." He closes his notepad, stacking them together at the corner. "Are you ready for tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Are you really okay, Seiji?"
"Yes."
Under my glasses frame, he swipes his thumb under my raw right eye and presses lightly on the bone. "This says otherwise."
"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm fine? Stop fussing over me," I snap.
"Okay." He takes his hand away and stands up. "I won't ask anymore. Please, just get to bed."
Patting my back, he walks over to the boards.
"Look, I didn't mean to lash out at you."
Akira dismisses my remark and keeps going towards Shindou with a curt, "Mm."
Crap. I've done again.
I click my tongue and stomp over to pull him back to the desk. Still holding onto his fingers so that he won't walk away, I pull out my wallet and take out the key, opening the third drawer.
"I'm bad with explanations and I don't really feel like discussing anything right now, but let me make one thing clear: I'm really okay because you're here."
"At arm's length." His head hangs. "You always clearly mark the distance between us."
"Haven't you ever thought about why, Akira?"
He looks at my profile as I push the key into the lock.
It shouldn't be such a big deal, but to me, this means almost everything…
I don't think I can save myself now, can't I?
"A bird in flight." I pull out the drawer and slip my free hand in.
"Excuse me?" Akira asks as I proudly bring out the paper at the top of my stack.
"It's what I named this morning's game. That's how I memorize all my plays," I softly explain as his gaze moves from my face to the ground.
I align paper after paper next to one another until it fills the whole floor, just short of touching Shindou's game.
"What are you doing?"
"These are my favorites. I included the ones we did just three days ago and the one your father sent from Tottori."
Still holding my hand, he steps in front of each one, squatting to pick up every set of papers as I watch his eyes read through all my notes.
"To me, we're painting together as we battle along."
"Is that why you followed Father?"
"His plays…" Respect, obsession, and unfulfillment make my body ache. I can't stop thinking about the book. "Like the strokes of a calligrapher, all are superbly efficient. There are no empty movements. The images stay on forever in your mind, but the words embed themselves into your spirit."
His eyes avoid mine, but I turn to him. "And you, the center of your play is fire. Every image I have with you is different from the last because you're growing so fast."
My thumb rubs against his hand. "You have no idea how much fun I have every time we play."
Immediately, his eyes turn back to me.
Hikaru comes to kneel at the papers and listens to our conversation.
"Embarrassing as it may be, I only knew the number of matches you and I have had because I counted them all. Only a few of them are here."
By the fifty-first one and still holding onto me as we walk along, he kneels down and rubs his eyes.
"The older ones are all at the apartment. They're boxed with the most precious items I own."
He scrunches up his eyes and gulps.
"I…" Akira stammers to answer, unable to find somewhere to look at and sighs at himself.
"You think your talent is still insufficient when I want to shake you about the true reality of things. That you're really on the way to become one of the youngest title holders in the nation, if not the whole world."
"But why tell this to me now?"
Because once you're swept away by that path, you won't ever come back here.
I'm not the person you'll turn to when that time comes.
I only realized it while talking with Sensei.
"Because step by step, you've been making progress. You're a phenomenal player, Akira. Your progress is faster than your father's. I can say this because…" I take a deep breath. "…I've been his fan even before he received any of his titles. That's why I don't understand why you want to spend your time with me."
You shouldn't care so much about me.
"Is that why you followed Father?"
"I didn't have anything until I met him. He showed me Go, another way of fighting against the world. These records here and in the Institute are all I have to show for myself."
In fact, my whole life.
His fingers touch the last paper.
"So you should be more devoted to developing yourself with Shindou since he's always there to meet you. I'm not as admirable as you probably have in your head about me."
He clasps onto my hand very hard. "Every time I think I should give up on you, that you'll never let me in, you do things like this…"
I lower down to meet his gaze, directly into his teary eyes.
Yes, as I look at you now, I can honestly admit that I love you more than Sensei…
…but you don't need to know that.
"What you think you want, who you think you'll become, and how things truly are…this is all I can give you."
I know very well it's not enough. You won't grow if you continue to stay with me.
It won't be now, but overtime, in small increments, your bitterness will become a large pile of dissatisfaction.
And that's where hate manifests itself, invading your play without knowing.
So Shindou is definitely better for you.
I let go of his hand.
Going back to the desk, I get another set. Walking up to Shindou, I hand it over to him.
"And these are yours. They're always with Akira's."
While he takes them, I grab both of his hands tightly. "To me, you are the wind. The person who ignites Akira's spirit."
I visibly see his Adam's apple rise and fall, watching me with a grateful, yet troubled expression.
From now on, I'll make sure not to interfere.
Releasing his hands, he flips through his own set and appears more flabbergasted than Akira.
"The Kaio tournament, my Insei records, my shodan game with the Meijin, the Wakajishisen, our current plays…"
Within minutes, the sound dimmers into tension-filled silence. The flapping of pages speak in my place, but say nothing with everything to show for it.
I'm not sure how I got myself to my futon, but I face the wall and away from them. They decide to practice on and the tapping of stones goes back and forth in pendulum-like fashion.
Wretched and distraught, I can't sleep.
I never thought after years of protecting myself from getting close to anyone, I was chipping away at my core. Only to find I wasn't just shattering from the inside.
There's someone definitely broken in here.
While looking into the staticky wall, the void swallows me whole. I couldn't feel anything even if I tried.
I'll stop depending on you so much and learn to live without you.
After all, it's time I accept the truth.
You weren't meant to be mine anyway.
Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
-
Author's note: To tell the truth, "Meijin" and "Yukiguni" are my favorite books for Kawabata Yasunari. I just never anticipated that I'd ever talk about it here (since I usually gush over Soseki and Tanizaki). There was just something about these two books that stuck with me and I realize now maybe because they're similar: Letting go of something you love. Meijin is holding on but in Yukiguni, the business man came to terms that he couldn't. Yet both of them must let go.
(I tried to find the names of the other Meijin students from episode 26, but couldn't find them from the manga or anime so please just go with it. Thanks!)
This fic is oddly therapeutic in one sense and in another, it forces me to face my anxieties while grating me into shreds.
Ogata finally confronts things he seems to be evading and I didn't realize it, but Hikaru gets things without being able to put his finger on them. (Then again, he goes by instinct rather than logic.) And Akira's getting mixed signals and is still unable to get through.
Why do I torture myself like this? *shakes head*
On a brighter note, Sai! I really love the Sai x Ogata pairing so I needed that somewhere in this fic!
Love,
Yui
7/1/2021 11:10:49 PM – Los Angeles
7/2/2021 3:10:49 PM – Tokyo
