Fandom: Hikaru no Go / ヒカルの碁
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing:
Ogata x Akira, Hikaru + Akira, Hikaru x Ogata, Sai + Ogata
Rating: PG-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?

Disclaimer: Hotta Yumi-sensei and Obata Takeshi-sensei as well as Shogakukan-Shueisha Productions own this title. I'm just a lover of this title that we're here.
Only the poem is mine.

chiisana yasashisa wo kure
by Miyamoto Yui

Chapter 16 – to disintegrate my soul whole

All I want to do is thrash the cushion I sat on during the tournament.

What the fuck was that back there? I barely hung on?!

Pushing against the rim of the driver's door and roof, the line lightly etches itself into my palms. I should be more dignified, but I'm utterly disgusted by the way I played today.
I know I'll get scolded for not concentrating and I'm more distraught at the fact that I don't want to explain why.

Especially not to Sensei.

This isn't where I should be in my career. Damn me for making rookie mistakes!

I click my tongue.

"Oh good, I was able to catch you!"

From far away, I squint even with glasses on. With a slightly leaner build and shorter hair, his baby face becomes more pronounced the closer he jogs towards me.
"Kurata-kun?" I step back and straighten up.
"Are you *huff* busy right now *huff*?"
"Not really."
"I know we just *huff* finished our match, *huff* but…" He holds his knees and whispers, "Are you all right *huff*?"
"Yes."
"You do look *huff* a little pale though." Taking a deep breath, he gives me another top-to-bottom lookover. "Should we go grab a snack together?"
"Actually…"

I can't face Akira like this. I'll end up diverting myself with him.

"…that would be a great idea."

The snack he has in mind is actually across the street in a café right by Ichigaya Station.

While in line, I take a glimpse of the overhead menu, but he already knows what he wants: A half-boiled egg bacon pasta with carbonara sauce and a blueberry and yogurt smoothie.
I go for a toasted spicy chicken sandwich with an iced café latte.

We seat ourselves by a table at the window facing Yasukuni Dori and wipe our hands with the towelette provided. While taking a sip of my latte, Kurata-kun digs right in.

He observes me for a second and stops eating. "You really don't look so good. Maybe you should go home after all."
"No, I'm okay. I think I probably needed to eat since all I had for breakfast was coffee."
"Then what did you do for lunch?"
"I got some houjicha and read a book." I take a bite of my sandwich.
"Oh. That isn't good at all. You should eat more."
"I'll have a good dinner later." I could feel myself smiling a little so I clear my throat and take another chomp of the tasty food.
"Is that right?" He picks up his fork and starts to twirl his noodles.

There's a pause as we're enjoying our food and I watch a group of teenagers pass by. One boy jumps on his friend's back and they all end up laughing.

"You know what?" Kurata-kun pokes his pasta.
I turn my head, swallowing the last bite of the first sandwich. "Yes?"
"Nothing. I just never expected you to accept my invitation." He finally turns to face me and eats another mouthful.
"You thought I'd flat out reject you?"
"Well, you always went off by yourself after a match."

About to eat the second sandwich, I put it back down on my plate. "I'm just used to it. I didn't think it mattered."
"It doesn't. It's your prerogative, but you're pretty sociable lately."
"You aren't one to mix words, are you?" I start to eat again.
"Not as much as Shindou-kun," he chuckles. "That kid doesn't have a filter. The first time we played Go was in a salon because he talked me into it."
"Really? I'm actually quite versed with Shindou's honesty. It's refreshing not having to think further than what he says." I take a few more bites. "Wait, did you say he played against you outside a tournament?"
"Sure!" He lifts up fork to the air eagerly. "He was really determined to get my signature when he first turned pro. It was cute to have a newbie like him admire me."
"How strong was he?"

Swallowing the last of his pasta, he starts to drink his smoothie.
"Let me tell you. He played One-color Go with me, but it was actually his first time! That's when I knew Touya-kun wasn't the only one to look out for."

Even though I'm only halfway through, I stop to lean back into my seat and cross my arms. "Hmm…"
"Yes?"
"Was there anything else that struck you about him while you two played?"
"What do you mean?"
"About his technique."
"Just that he catches on fast. But now that you mention it…yes." He rubs his chin and then blurts out, "Something behind him. Like he wouldn't mess up because his choices were too solid."
"Is that odd?"
"No, but as I said before, it was his first time playing One-color Go. There are pros who can't even do that. But he played more than his rank and not someone who just passed his pro test. Does that make sense? I don't know how else to put it, but I heard from one of the younger players that he missed a lot of his matches after he debuted and that's why he's 'behind'. I'm not doubting his skills, but if he was that powerful before, he should be further along regardless of those lost games."
"Like right behind or at least near Akira-san?"
"To tell the truth, yes."

Do those losses have something to do with Sai?

I nod my head. "I know what you mean. I've been thinking along those lines as well."
"You have?"
"A long time ago at a children's tournament, he was able to assess the best move of a player in a blink of an eye. But in all honesty, it would've taken a pro at least a minute more to solve."
"What?" He gulps down his smoothie.
"It almost sounds like he's reset himself. But that doesn't make any sense at all! It's not like you have to re-learn anything unless you've had a big accident or something like that. He's healthy and still himself…"
"Well, that's why I was asking. Now I wonder how he'll play at Sensei's exhibition since he'll be coming."
"Oh? I haven't heard about that. Something else to look forward to besides you, Touya-kun and the Meijin."

Actually, I'll play Shindou much sooner than that.

And when we meet him there, today's match will already be a blur.

+/+/+/+/+/

Before going back to Omiya, I take a short trip to my apartment. But the instant I open the door, it appears very hollow inside.

Well, this isn't my true residence though government documentation could say otherwise. I grow uneasy and itch to leave asap. It seems that no matter how many years I've spent here, it's not where I belong.

What's the difference whether I'm here or there? It only bothers me and no one else.

"Sorry Naga and Kure. I don't know how you guys put up with me going in and out of here."
My comet and shubunkin goldfish drift along and ignore me until I bring out their food. They swim to the surface when the flakes drop and eat heartily.
"Well, you are already used to me leaving for days at a time." I put in another few pinches to watch the flecks fall as they catch some in their mouths.

Gliding my index finger on the borders of the tank, I look at them as they gobble everything up. "I need to read the book Sensei gave me, but I'm afraid to open it. And Akira *sigh*…I've no idea how to proceed with the mess I'm making."
Hanging my head, I gaze at my feet. "Now Shindou's caught in it too."

I then reach into a ziplock bag with tiny pieces of apple (their favorite along with boiled carrots) and plop them in the tank too. That should tide them over for three days.

"I don't want to drag them both down with me."

In the bedroom closet, I sit down and lift up a board from the floor. I undo the trick lock and pull out a red box next to my precious cup, taking out the things I need. Putting the box to one side, I lay out Sensei's plays in a half-circle on the carpeted floor. Akira's kifu stay piled on my crossed legs.

Is this why I never progressed?

I put both of my hands on the notes Sensei wrote for me at the beginning of our sessions.

How did I end up spending more than half my lifetime on a game that probably is either meaningless or makes no sense to others who aren't inside the 19x19 realm?

You and your son's talents are rare. And you both will probably keep improving until your last breath. And with Shindou, Akira and he will grow beyond what everyone else conceives are the limits. They just need the experience of time to harden their stable groundwork.

So I mustn't disrupt the flow of their game or their lives. I know that very well, but…

My fingertips push onto the lined paper.

For now, they can't see more than what they know or have decided while I'm looking back at what I've learned so that they'll avoid those "I could've/should've" traps. But how much longer will I be able to do that?

Is that my purpose for staying with you Sensei? I still wonder why you chose me…

I close my eyes.

/"What exactly is the Divine Move?" I pointed to a sentence in a book about Honinbou Shuusaku's life. Then, I showed him a page from another one explaining somewhat about the "Ear-reddening game".
He took my books away and shut them.

We set up for our lesson.
"They say it's finding a move that no one's ever done before. Or an original one that just comes out without thinking and yet it flows out of you organically." He started to lay down stones for a life/death question.
"That doesn't make sense at all. After a thousand years, wouldn't players have already found most of the possibilities? Or at least saw a lot of similar situations on the board? But an original move? That's nearly impossible…"
"Well, that's why it's called the Divine Move. It's miraculous in its own way, don't you think?" He folded his arms.

"You too have your own reasons why you play, Ogata-kun." He looked at me. "As many others do. That's why we're still here playing it."

I felt my heart jump into my throat, my fingernails sinking into my knees.

"Have you ever thought you came close to the Divine Move?"
Having four titles, he was undoubtedly the closest to attaining it.

"No, not at all." Sensei shook his head. "But that's why I do this. I think I'm more worried that if by some small chance I do find it in this lifetime, what happens afterwards? Will I still feel like playing?"

It took me five years, but I found the one common trait we both shared./

Was that the real reason why he retired? Is it because he couldn't find it through the conventional means and had to leave behind the prestige to start all over again?
Through our triumphs, I thought that every step became a little clearer. A bit closer to the Divine Move.

I really wanted to see Sensei achieve it because he was the only one I believed who could…

But what a long path to walk, Sai. How many people and generations have you had to wait for this to happen? Or rather, see it once more?
Did you think Shindou would find it with you? Or that Akira could since you chose him as your rival?

Will you even allow me to experience it with them?

Placing my head to the papers, I'm more disappointed than ever with myself.
For slowly desecrating everything I held sacred in my life.

How did I ever think I was good enough to play?

+/+/+/+/+/

By the time I get outside, the clouds hang low and the damp moisture clamps onto my skin.
I place all my booklets into the back and sit in the car, ready to turn on the engine but hesitate to do so. I stare up at the ceiling.

"Damn it all."

Running back upstairs, I walk over to the fish tank. "I think we're permanently moving to Saitama."

But would it be the same once they leave?

I couldn't think that far and I didn't care to.

+/+/+/+/+/

Akira starts to play with Naga and Kure in their little bowl while Shindou and I set up the tank after eating dinner. At one point, Shindou nudges me to look over at Akira, who is enthralled and lightly poking the glass.

We all decide to turn in early for the night since they both have a photoshoot in the morning and I still have (thankfully) another round in the Kisei. However, tired and sleep-deprived as I am, I can't sleep at all. Stressed out, there's something else my body yearns for.

This is the worst...
I don't want to do it. If I fall back to my old habits, then I've really not grown in any way.

But there are times that even if your head says no, your mind is all but intact so you choose the most destructive default.

I end up smoking outside to sedate myself while listening to my MP3 player.

I thought I was past all this, but there are things inside that you never explain. Even to yourself. That no matter how much you think about it, they don't make sense even if your brain constantly tries to find logic to connect everything together, making up its own story to reason out what you can accept.

It doesn't matter if it's true or not as long as it's convenient.

That beautiful enka singer, the one I used to date before she became famous, warbles softly into my ears.
Who knew at the time that her song would go up the charts at the time we were together?

/"I hope that someday you'll find someone who won't turn away from you. One you'll care about."
For such a sweet person, she genuinely meant it. It was the last thing she said before rushing down the subway staircase.

I was such a jerk for ignoring her.

But all I could think was, "I've already got that…
…it's just not enough to keep them."/

I manage to slide the glass door without waking them up and am about to get back into bed, but stop to see Shindou's mouth is open. He's dead asleep and spread out like a star with his right arm and leg over Akira. Akira's facing Shindou, his arm protectively holding his shoulders and lips almost touching the blond bangs.

The nicotine won't do it for me tonight.

Turning away, I tiptoe downstairs and slip into my shoes.

When I get up to step out in the middle of the night, as I usually do to clear my head, Akira opens the door behind me.
"Seiji…?"
"I'll be right back, I promise." I don't face him and hold onto the front door handle.
"That's not the issue. Where are you going?"
"To get some fresh air."

He pinches my top and we're at a standstill. Five long minutes pass and my phone starts to vibrate. Begrudgingly, he releases his fingers.

Without another word, I reach out for his hand and we end up driving to Chichibu.

I lay out a sheet on the bench before Akira sits down. Looking at himself, he holds onto his sweater and takes a glimpse of his pajamas. "I wonder why I always end up following you."
"Yes, I rather wonder that myself." I smile as we look out of the Shirogane Observation Deck, but instead of going next to him, I overlook the soft foggy glow floating over the lit up homes and sparsely darkened areas.

"The world looks so wide from here." I cross my arms and lean on the railing.
"Is this where you run off to for a breather?"
"Yeah." I don't focus on anything in particular, just taking in the scene and feeling a bit guilty for ignoring my phone. "I used to runaway here whenever my parents fought. I didn't want to bother Kou all the time, even if he wouldn't have minded."
"Why here?"
"It reminds me that from far away, everything looks beautiful no matter where you look."

That and the fact that I knew Sensei lived somewhere in this crazy world too.
But afterwards, I'd divulge within the world again and comfort myself through other means of self-deception…

"You're unfair, Seiji."

I face him to see him fidgeting with his head down.
"I was really excited that for once, you were willing to rely on me. To show me what you've carefully hidden away. But I didn't realize how needy I was until we started living with you. Hikaru never thinks what I ask of him is unreasonable either so I wasn't aware of it."

I want you to need me though…

"But both you and Hikaru want to keep things one-sided. You conceal yourself whenever something's important and Hikaru, even if he's explained Sai to me, he still has this pained face if you hit a certain chord.
"You two are the very people who make me crumble and you both know it too. I never hold anything back from you two. You especially. You take a few steps back at the first sign of…I don't know how to describe it.
"And now, you're the one getting sick. Why do I have to hear this from Kurata-san of all people? I don't know how-"
I hold his head to my chest as his sweater falls to the ground. My fingers making a crisscross pattern into his hair.

"He called you?"
"Yeah. He didn't know your number, so he asked the Institute for my number. He was able to leave a message. I kind of panicked since he didn't want to call the house."
"That's the thing. I always go to you whenever I need to solve my own problems." I pat his head quietly. "That isn't your job. You shouldn't get used to it."
"But I go to you all the time."
"This is different."
"How?"
"It's hard to put it into words."

Once I ask for one thing, I'll crave for more and it'll never stop.

"I'm smothering you, aren't I?"

A small chuckle comes from my lips and he looks up. Squatting down, I push his hair aside and take a hold of his hands.
"I'll never feel that way about you. In fact, you've given me too much."

You always give me what I want without knowing.

"That's not true." He shakes his head, pulling my hands to his face. "I want to give you more."
"What makes you say that?"
"Isn't that why you showed us all those papers? You plan to finally step away so that I'll just go with Hikaru, right?"
I stare at him.

I can never get anything past you, can I?

"But until you tell me to my face that you don't want me anymore, I won't give you up."

Now it's me looking at the lines of the cement.

"Why must it be me, Akira?" I barely hear myself.
He closes his eyes, pressing my palms against his cheeks. When he opens his eyes, he counters, "Why can't it be you?"

"We're just used to one another. We're part of each other's comfort zones."

Even as I say this, my chest curls in a way that my ribs contract and I feel devoid of the heart it's supposed to 'protect'.

Just what do you call our relationship anyway?

"Do you really believe that? That whatever I'm feeling can't be anything more?" He lets go of my face and sighs. "You really know how to get my hopes up and break me."
I pick up his sweater and sit next to him, putting it over his shoulders. After I dust the debris away, he leans his head on my shoulder.
"Where you are now and where I stand may seem like we occupy the same space, but we aren't on the same plane."

One day, you'll be the one leaving. I have to come to terms with this, but you're not letting me.
Just what are we holding on for anyway?

"But you love the challenge. That's why I know you'd never give in to anything, even if you're losing."
"Is that why you keep coming at me?"

Akira gives me a thoughtful look and puts his hand over mine. "Are you going to stop fighting back now?"
"I can't."

That's why it's hard. If I could have, I'd done it a long time ago.

He smiles and puts my hand over his heart. "Then that's enough for me."

Still holding on, he intertwines our fingers as our hands sit on his thigh.
"So does today's near-miss at the tournament have anything with you being late yesterday?"
"You would be the one to have noticed that." I squeeze his hand. "Sensei asked me to have tea with him."
"Oh…"
"And he gave me a book. He said it used to be his but had to sell it and finally located it."
"What book was it?"
"The very first edition of Meijin."
"That's his favorite."
"I know that now, but that book…"

I press our palms together and he cups his other hand over both of mine. Akira sits up and this time, I look him straight in the eye.

"…I remembered seeing it when we first met."
"I'm sure he had it out when he was teaching you. He used to do it a lot when I was little."
I shake my head. "No. Long before that. When I was just a fan."
"So…is that how you started Go?"
I slowly nod.
He doesn't anything else.

I don't know how much times passes, but when we both go back to the car, I start to get a little groggy. I ask to take a small nap before going back and Akira doesn't seem to mind. When I lean my seat back, he does the same. I put my arm over my eyes after setting up an alarm to wake us up in an hour.

But that empty feeling returns.

I open my eyes to find Akira in a fetal position with his back to me, staring up at the sky through the window.
"I'll never win against him, will I?"
"Why do you always say that?"
"Because you give that look…"
"What look?"
"Like you're going to disappear without a word."

Against my better judgment, I tug his arm and pull him over to my side so that he's sitting in my lap. He stares down at me sorrowfully. Sighing, I pull his head to lie on my shoulder.

The feeling of his chest over mine as he breathes soothes my nerves. It is more than relieving.

I reach under his pajama top, feeling the bones of his back as I hug him.
"Even if I always hurt you, you never go away."
"You still haven't given me a good reason to."

He puts his arms around me and the leather seat, whispering "So please, don't give up on me."
My fingertips gently scratch his spine.
His body tenses up and gasps into my ear, "Mmph."

Where has my resolve melted off to? This is why I shouldn't have brought you here.

Up and down. Down and up. My fingernails graze his vertebrae and somehow, his being enwraps my own. And with it, that weird emptiness soon subsides, replaced by a sublime presence I can't quite describe.
The mountain air passes through the half-open windows and I'm actually thankful for a pocket of tranquility when everything else probes my sanity.

But when tiredness waves over me and my hand slows down to a halt, the tip of Akira tongue traces along the inside of my ear canal and sucks on the lobe only to bite it seconds later. I flinch and he kisses my cheek.

You truly want to disintegrate my soul whole, don't you? Until Sensei no longer exists inside and replace it with nothing but you…

"You shouldn't-"
"I figured out how you 'destress' a long time ago."
I freeze. Though I'm on the verge of collapsing, my brain suddenly restarts and is waking up to the dread diffusing through my veins.

"When we were doing a tutoring session at one ryokan in Kyoto, I was looking for you, but someone said you'd stepped out. I was returning to my room when someone whispered they'd left you drinking with a woman. It was around the time before Father was going on his Asia tour for half a year. I didn't understand at the time, but my gut kept on telling me not to ask.
"From then on, whenever we went on a teaching match, I'd get that nervous feeling. But one day when I was old enough to understand, you were dating one of the other players. The morning after when we had to leave, your blouse had her perfume on it."

Caught without a reprisal, I put my hand over my eyes and laughed mockingly at my folly. "How could you remember something like that?"
"I was worried about you." He was dead serious.
"I never wanted you to see those disgusting sides of me." My arm is as good as lead by now.
"It's not." He takes my arm away. "It hurt that I couldn't do anything to help you."
"Help me?" I scoff. "It's just balm. Don't make it sound like it's more than it is."
"Isn't it?" He sits up and takes my hands, kissing the fingertips and licking the palms.

I shake my head and try to yank my hands away, but he holds my hips and presses his body harder against mine.
"Mm~," I gasp before I can take it back.

I keep telling myself I should get away from you. That I'm not my familiar self whenever I'm with you. Or is this the real me I've hidden all along?
The one that wanted nothing but your attention, pretending I didn't care.

My pants start to tighten as he reaches to undo the knot. I cup my hand over his tightly. "No."
"I want to."
"It's my problem."

Don't take responsibility for this.

"Then it's mine too."

Leaning forward, he pushes his lips against mine. My eyes half-close.
"Why?"

When he raises his head, he gives me a disappointed, yet agonized look. "Because I don't want you to go searching for someone else."

I hate myself for this. And yet, I want him to ache for me too…
What the hell is wrong with me?

Guilty from hurting him and wanting him too, I slowly pull his head closer to kiss me. This time, I close my eyes as I feel his hands pull on my pants. The instant his fingers touch my skin, I groan. Opening my eyes, I start to lick his neck and when I bite on it, his whole body shudders.
Pressing my fingers into his mouth, he looks into my eyes and I feel his tongue run along the ridges.

It still hurts. Why can't I be free when I'm with you?
Yet why won't you regret it, Akira?

I grunt as he kneels, his calves on each side of my thighs. I pull on his pajama bottoms to his knees.
Licking his chest through the thin shirt, I press my fingers inside him.
"Ah~!" He cries out and squeezes his eyes shut.
His right arm clings onto me and the seat while softly whimpering. Slowly but surely, his breathing becomes heavier the further I probe inside.

"Mmphn…" He pants into my ear and I enjoy the mini high pitched sounds in between. Then suddenly, his body twitches.

So that's where it is.

Pulling on my underwear, he holds my shoulders to position himself when I pull my fingers away. Lowering himself, his palms press against my collarbones as I suck on his chest.
"Oh…" He clamps onto me and I end up leaving teeth marks.

His moans become a little louder, but as always, he still tries to repress himself from crying out the faster he moves his hips. There's a part of me that wants to know what that sounds like…

You truly bring out the best and worst out of me. Cruelly, I want to gaze at this vulnerable look. The one the magazines and cameras won't ever know. The one only Shindou and I can see.
Even if it isn't fair to the world, I just want to devour your heart so that you'll never leave me, as petty as it may seem.

Pulling my chin, he touches the tip of my tongue and eyes me.

Is it okay to cling onto such a hopeless desire?

+/+/+/+/+/

"Why didn't you listen to me?" The voice scolds while a fan taps the top of my head.
"About what?"
"Trusting them."
"I do, but I'm not as honorable as they think."
"Don't underestimate yourself."
"Why do you sound so sure of that?"
The fan lightly jabs against my shoulder. "Because you're a reliable person."
"You don't know that."

"Actually, I know you very well."

I wake up with Akira in my arms with my top acting as our blanket. I sigh for the umpteenth time today.

Reliable person? I do things like this that just destroy whatever I hold important. When I'm with him, I can't trust myself.

But I feel his skin against mine as he hums into my ear. When I look at him, that peaceful expression immobilizes me.

I know we have to get back home and that I still have to battle through the second day of the tournament and they have to do Go promotions, but in this twilight, I selfishly search for more.
Kissing his forehead, I hold onto hips. My hands go up his rib cage until my thumbs rub against his nipples. His eyes start to flutter.
"Ahn~." A small moan reaches my ear.
Blinking, he looks up into my face.

I know I'm burying myself like steel wool scraping bones when a passing thought of Sensei comes to mind.

Not thinking twice about the time or place anymore, Akira pulls himself up to kiss me.

Forgive me, Sensei.

+/+/+/+/+/

Akira's wearing a white buttoned, short-sleeve blouse with dark grey culottes and red wine European clogs, his long braid trailing after him with Hikaru holding his wrist, but trying to poke at the braid while they're running. He's in black pants that have white suspenders hanging on the sides, some ripped strings on his thighs and knees to look underneath and zippers extending from his knees to his ankles. His sleeveless, gold asymmetrical shirt with the number 5 and black high top sneakers disappear as they turn the corner to the Institute.

When they're out of view, I park far enough to give myself some time before I make my own appearance there and with no one seeing we've arrived together. They're just meeting there and will soon head off to the photo shoot and interview session.
I stroll to the closest convenience store for not only a vitamin energy jelly drink, but also stop by to get a cup of coffee with four shots just to stay awake. Strangely, I'm calm even when my body can't take my former adolescent lifestyle.

So by the time I make it to the front steps, Amano-san, Akira, and Shindou are at the top of it.
"Good morning, Ogata-sensei!"
I bow my head a little. "Good morning, Amano-san. And what are we doing so early this morning?"
"Just promotions. We're heading to Edo Castle to take pictures," Shindou answers politely and is clearly thrilled to go. "Good luck today."
"Thank you."
"By the way, what time is your match, Ogata-sensei?" Composed, Akira folds his hands before him.
"In an hour."
He bends his head forward, saying, "I wish you luck."
"I hope everything goes smoothly for all of you as well."
"Thank you, Sensei." Amano pats his bag with his camera and writing pads. "I'll try to make it back to interview you too if we finish early."
"Sure."

They leave as I walk into the building, but all I want to do is look back.

That felt very strange.

When I face the glass doors, I catch a glimpse of Akira's reflected face glancing back at me.
I check in at the front, but make my way to the restroom at the first chance I can get away from everyone.

Having slept in their apartment and living with them in the same house, the disparity of our distance due to social protocols really hits me more than I expect it to. Switching modes isn't as natural as it used to be.
Nor can I get to the restroom quick enough to seek temporary refuge.

/"Seiji?" Akira's watching the sun rise as we drove back home.
"Yes?"
"Don't go away without telling me first. Whatever you decide after we move out..." His voice cracked from either tiredness or emotion, "…I'll accept it."

Glimpsing at his profile, a rock song by Tsururi played through my car speakers,

"The clashing and crushing of souls in a single chord,
when did the melody become so discordant
yet so sensually peacefully to my ears?
Twisting and temptatious,
I wonder where I've lost myself?

I look back at the mangled parts
I can't seem to save pieces anymore.
And the canvas I made up to show you
has splattered itself blind,
but I stand before you as if uninjured.

Piano wires keep slicing,
repeating the lines
between their beautiful keys,
"I can't give you up to reason."
You'd take my soul along with you
if you haven't already.

And I watch you watching me,
I scream for you
from the depths
of Myself.

Colored desires done with simple crayon solids,
the monochrome engulfs all my will power
as time proves that
wounds actually don't heal
until we forgive them.

Is this everything we'll ever amount to?

Pressing my fingers against the whiteness,
I keep losing myself,
running all the colors that melt
when you touch them,
brushing with your own technique.

But I won't take it back.
If you're the pain I have to live with,
I'm okay with never
finding my soul again,
blind and lost
to the darkness
I knew would swallow me whole

with nowhere else to go

from the moment
we first met."

I turned off the engine and held onto the steering wheel. "You'll hurt yourself if you keep on trying to comfort me."
"But it hurts more whenever you tell me you don't want me."

Akira pushed the car door and closed it. He didn't wait for me to go back into the house./

I push my fists against one of the stall walls as soon as I lock the door.

/As Akira and Shindou showered, I was eating breakfast.

Shindou came to the kitchen wiping his wet hair and over to my side of the table.
"Yes?"
He pulled my head and hugged me.

I didn't try to break free this time nor excuse myself.

Instead, I cut my pancake and chewed on it. I broke another piece and brought it up to his lips. He opened his mouth and chomped away, suggesting in between, "Maybe some syrup please?"
"Punk…" A small laugh came from lips as I dipped it into some maple. "But thanks for cooking again."
"You're welcome."

When I fed him again, his hug seemed even warmer than before.
"There are times I wonder what Sai would do with you if he were here."
"Why?"
"Even if you couldn't hear him, he'd always talked to you as if you could."/

Pressing my forehead onto it too, I swallow everything down. Hard.

But as with everything so far in my life, I take a deep breath and unclench my fists. I leave the stall and fix my tie to go and sit, smoking with my legs crossed.

At least on the surface, my body knows what to do to preserve itself.

"Ogata-sensei?" a voice questions when I throw my cigarette away.
Waya-kun pops his head in the doorway. He seems to be the time keeper for my next match.
"I have come to tell you that we're starting in ten minutes."
With unnerving control, I nod my head. "Yes. Thank you for letting me know."
He turns to leave.

I rise from my chair with a lambent, yet seizing inkling of what my parents must've gone through.

+/+/+/+/+/

Somehow by sheer will and years of experience along with fighting against the two, the match is nail-biting enough to keep me awake and alert, but I smoothly respond. It's as if all the possible moves appear on a virtual grid before me. I've cut down on the think time too, which messed up my opponent's rhythm.

Cheating a bit, I order something from an Indian restaurant and bring it back home. But when I reach the threshold, the inevitable lull after the adrenaline and caffeine rushes make me lightheaded. I feed Naga and Kure, take a quick shower and change, but can't go out the bedroom door. Drowsily, I end up flopping unceremoniously onto the bed.

After some time, I feel nails softly scratching my scalp. I don't have to open my eyes to know it's Akira, especially when he sighs.
"That feeling whenever you aren't with me…"

Still submerged in sleep, I weakly blink up at him. "Oh, you're home."
That worried look changes into a smiling one. "Yeah."

We silently watch one another as he pats my head and runs his fingers through my hair. I start to fall back asleep, but the second he stops, I catch his hand without opening my eyes. "Please stay."

Within minutes, I fade away.

+/+/+/+/+/

"You should ask the woman at the Go salon."
"Excuse me?"

Strangely, I'm kneeling before a lined curtain of bamboo. Though I'm wearing one of my white suits, I look around at the barely lit, closed room. To my left, the open door leads to the veranda and into a very succulent garden with a small encirclement of stones surrounding an oval pond. I can't quite make out where I am until I glance at the screen, an incomplete view of the person beyond it within the slits.

But the Voice equals the brilliance of the luscious lavender hair.

The bamboo curtain raises until I see a white robe and it stops just short of the lips. I still can't make out the face and simply blink.

Why am here and why haven't I ever seen this beauty before?
However…

…this aura is nothing but familiar to me.

The rosy lips grin at me, knowing I can't hide my inward gawking. I blush at the demure show of teeth.

"Ahem. I said you should go ask that pretty person…" the Voice thinks for a moment. "I believe her name is Ichikawa-san?"
"Just who are you?"

Why do you know her name?

A porcelain hand points their fan at me, pushing against my chest. "You and I have battled before, though you were decapacitated at the time."
"I know I would never have forgotten if we played on the board."
There is a low, yet childish chuckle and I catch my breath.

Even the way you laugh is so bright.
Yes…you remind me so much of-

"We will play one another soon, Ogata. I've waited a long time for it."

The grin widens as the fan lifts my chin up. "This time, I hope you'll be sober."
"Are you…"

"Sai?"
Once more, I wake myself up by talking aloud. Sitting up at the edge of the bed, I pick up my chin with my index finger in a silly recreation of the lovely dream. I laugh to myself, shaking my head and getting up to slowly head for the bathroom.

I wonder what that face looks like…

"Sai…" I repeat to myself.

"What did you just say?"
I'm standing at the threshold of the bathroom when I turn around to see Shindou coming into the room with a tray of food in his arms. He stops walking and stares at me, firmly holding onto the tray as if his whole life depends on it.
Tink tink tink…the glass cup, plate, and silverware start to bump next to one another as he struggles to stop shaking.

"Shindou? What's wrong?" I don't know if I should walk over to him or stay in place.

Now I get what Akira meant about Shindou's agitation over this name.

He puts the tray down on the dresser and stomps right up to me, holding my forearms. Looking up, that nervous face I associate with him reappears before me.

Something's definitely wrong.

"Did you see him?" He clasps and unclasps his fingers on my arms.
"Him?"
"You said 'Sai' right now." The desperate look extends to coloring his voice. "If it's really him, he should have his fan."
"I…"
"Does he look well?"
"He?"
"I told you he was pretty, didn't I? Did he look like a girl to you?"
"The god of Go…That gorgeous person is Sai?" I'm more than surprised.
"Uh-huh!" Nodding enthusiastically, he implores, "Tell me one thing…"
"Yes?"
"Is he happy?"
"Yes," I reassure him.
"I'm glad…I'm so glad to hear that!" He lets go of me and instead jumps into my arms, hugging me so hard that we both fall to the floor.

Lying half on tile and the other on carpet, I'm still holding onto Shindou, hoping that he hasn't gotten any bruises. His eyes are scrunched up and he's firmly holding onto me.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes when he opens his eyes.
"Don't worry about it."

While pushing myself up, Shindou's kneeling before me. With my left leg straight out, I lean back onto my hands and try to sit up. I rub my head and feel the mini swollen mound growing in the back of it.
I haven't noticed my right leg is in between both of his, his hand almost overlapping onto mine. Leaning a little back, I wonder why he's so close to my face. Concerned, he reaches out to touch the bump and I start to relax.

But the second he slightly pokes it, I wince from the pain and feel his lips.
I pull away, but he pins my hands to the ground and leans in to push his tongue onto mine, exploring my mouth.

When had he become this strong?

The sweat dropping from my head and his height aren't helping matters.

Blinking, I scramble to move backwards, but there's a sweet expression on his face that keeps me from scolding him. I press my palms to the floor as his fingers push in between the spaces.
I start to choke, breathless from his hold on me. But he won't let me sip one ounce of air.

I've never been the one who was seduced, Akira being the exception to my rules. So why am I letting myself be led by you too?

When he pulls his face away, I catch my breath, but my lips are half open in awe. Shamelessly, they're still wanting more…

"Thank you."

Shindou grins from ear to ear as I watch him in shock and longing.

"This must be why Sai likes you."
"I don't get anything you're saying."
Out of happiness, he takes my face into his hands and I see tears starting to form, but he gets up. He rubs them away and out of my sight.

"Since you weren't feeling well, I thought I'd bring you a snack. I hope you like it."

He walks off as I'm getting up from the floor, but I call out, "Thank you, Hikaru."
Stopping in his tracks, his hands go up to wipe his face. "That's the first time you've called me by my name."
"It just came out. I didn't realize-"
"That's fine." His profile faces me as he winks with an infectious smile. "I kind of like it…"

Before I even reach the tray, he's scrambled downstairs to Akira because I can hear him noisily run down the stairs with kissing noises echoing through the walls.
"Aki~! *kiss*"
"Mm~!"
"Aki! Aki!"
"Wh-what happened, Hikaru? You look so happy."
"Ogata-sensei's met Sai~!"
"Really? That's wonderful. Mmm…"

Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
-
Author's notes: YES! I was able to finally get this out! This chapter was so difficult to make because there's so much I wanted to include and then I'd look at it, get frustrated that it wasn't as sparkly as I'd wanted and left it and came back. This continued for several weeks though I look at the draft for this chapter every day.

Akira is on the verge of appearing too giving while Hikaru pushes his way to Ogata-sensei's heart via Sai. But I really do believe Akira would be this way to both Hikaru and Ogata-sensei, seeing as how extreme he is. And Ogata is such a formidable player, but oppositely, gives in so easily to Akira and Hikaru though he thinks he shouldn't be so close to them as they all want to be.
What I truly didn't calculate was how similar he and Akira are (maybe because of Sensei?) or how strong he is in one sense, yet is so weak in another.
I feel the longer I write for him, I scrape myself raw. But oddly, it brings me relief too. I didn't think a character besides Subaru or Ryuichi could force me to dig deeper, but I've surprised myself here.

As for Sai, he embodies cuteness, beauty, ferocity, and seductiveness. Writing this fic for several years already, I can imagine Hikaru not only transforming into a prominent Go player, but becomes this age's Sai.

Their dynamic truly intrigues me, but I think what I'm enjoying the most is that Ogata-sensei is growing. There are times I wonder "Why? Why am I writing this when it just hurts?" (it's hard for me sometimes) and here are others where I think, "Yes…these are moments we want to experience but never tell others we do."

I'm so glad I can write again. There was a long time (two years, I think) where I lost all sense of wonder and imagination. That was such a low point in my life. I totally had a breakdown because I'd always written to speak. I couldn't even do that.

So as always, thank you for reading so far.

Love,
Yui

8/15/2021 9:40:21 PM – Los Angeles
8/16/2021 1:40:21 PM – Tokyo