Fandom: Hikaru no Go / ヒカルの碁
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata x Akira, Hikaru + Akira, Hikaru x Ogata, Sai + Ogata
Rating: PG-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?
Disclaimer: Hotta Yumi-sensei, Obata Takeshi-sensei, Shogakukan-Shueisha Productions and Studio Pierrot own Hikaru no Go. I'm just obsessed over it, so we're here. "True" is by Spandau Ballet.
chiisana yasashisa wo kure
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 17 – I can't go back to the way things used to be.
"Babe…I still can't believe Sai came back."
Oh. So that's what he calls him when no one's around.
Hearing this while coming downstairs, I stop to see Akira on his back with his arms around Hikaru's neck. Hikaru kneels over him, balancing on his forearms and twirling Akira's long hair on his right index finger.
His gaze moves sideways as he frowns. "I'm happy, but why didn't he come to me?"
I should leave, but I can't seem to move either…
Akira's fingertips gently thrum on Hikaru's cheeks and then stop, he moves Hikaru's face towards his direction. "Don't worry too much about it. I'm sure it's still for you to learn something we haven't figured out yet. And for Seiji to see something as well."
Nuzzling his head down onto his shoulder, he hugs Akira. "Ahh~! I'm so glad you're here. Where would I be without you?"
Akira averts his eyes bashfully, stroking Hikaru's nape. "I think about that all the time."
He then embraces him and I can no longer see his face.
The walls bounce back their whispers.
"I love you, Karu."
"Love you back."
When Hikaru lifts his head so that they can kiss good night, I tiptoe back upstairs.
In my room, I sit on my bed and finally have the nerve to again read the unanswered text. Still holding onto my phone, I look up and emptily stare at my two sleeping fish.
+/+/+/+/+
Since hanging with Kou, I've become reacquainted with sleeping on the floor with just my blanket. It was the only time I felt relaxed enough to close my eyes because at my house, I'd toss and turn, but I'd never disclose that most of my moodiness from those days was from lack of sleep, if anything else.
And though I still have problems sleeping for one reason or another, I willingly let myself get swallowed by the smoothness of the air they've led in. Lapses of pure ease, as carefree and tender as the light that shines in this collective makeshift bedroom.
I get up.
Opening the sliding door, I lean against it and take out a cigarette. Inhaling the smoky tranquilizer, I look up at nothing in particular.
Strange. I never planned to bring anyone to this place, my island among all the other houses surrounding Tokyo. I bought this one all by myself and they are the first I invited.
And though it's just for eleven more days, I willing dance into the oil, the seducing fingers of the fire constantly threating to eat me whole. Even as I stand in the middle of this flaring disaster,
why do I feel content with Akira and Hikaru here with me?
Walking over to the railing, I cross my arms after taking another puff. I glance over my shoulder to see Akira sleeping soundly on the futon with Hikaru spread out, one knee up and half a blanket over him. As they hold hands, Akira's forehead is touching Hikaru's shoulder (and obviously well versed in sleeping in that position without being pushed or kicked).
I can't help but chuckle over them, taking another drag and tapping the ashes into the silver ashtray.
Why would I ever tip their balance?
That growing ache paralyzes my chest. I think of their conversation and it overlaps with that scene at the Institute.
I've got to learn to let go, but…
I see their guileless faces and a little voice, which is still my own, opposes: Then where does that leave you?
Having them here makes this home complete. Eating together, fighting, discussing…how long have I secretly wanted whatever this feeling contains? No matter what rank or all the money I received and used, I never felt satisfied until I won at Go.
But it still wasn't enough.
The days are numbered with this unusual arrangement, but it's the closest I've ever felt to wholeness.
The sliding door opens.
"Ogata-sensei?"
"Hikaru…"
He makes an adorable sound that I can't quite pinpoint.
"Yes?" I smush my cigarette but don't have the energy to turn around.
I can't face him.
"I'm just getting used to you saying my name."
"If it bothers you, tell me."
"No…I'm very happy about it."
"Ah."
He clears his throat in a rather exaggerated way and I smirk.
"Um, do you mind if we go to a convenience store? I feel like walking and don't want to disturb Aki by making noise in the kitchen."
"Sure."
It isn't long until we're walking down the quiet path to the combini and I'm the one following him.
"Seems you're quite familiar with this road."
"Even if we got stuff at home, I still like going out for a walk and finding new snacks. It's also one of the few things Aki will do in the middle of Go training."
"Oh?"
"So you do this a lot then?"
"You're usually out and I don't go out in the middle of the night…"
Did he just call my place 'home'?
I continue walking as if I've misheard him.
"But I'm still thinking about you seeing Sai in your dream." He walks a little ahead of me with his hands behind him and then sighs, letting his fingers go.
"I'm still trying to digest that that was Sai. His image and what I thought he'd look like don't match. But I can see why he went with you."
"You do?" He slows down so that we'll walk in pace together.
"You're bright and playful. I only thought he'd be Sai because your vibe and his are alike."
Looking down at the cement, a hint of a smile grows.
Suddenly, he points his head to the star-filled sky. "Oh, now I get it. Is this why you liked him?"
"You know, before we saw you in the Institute and you offered for me to go to the Meijin's study sessions, Sai kept bugging me to thank you for being my sponsor."
"He did?"
"Sai was more than obsessed over Go. At the time when I was learning the basics, I didn't know how he could play without revealing his identity. How could he play as much as he wanted without questions since he couldn't play without me? I really didn't want that painful incident with Akira at the Go salon to happen again…
"That's when we learned about Internet Go and it was the perfect way to play." Hikaru smiled to himself, recalling his index of memories. "While heading home from the Internet café, we stopped at the park. I drew lines on the dirt with a stick because I was depressed about what Akira had told me when he found me there."
"Did he see you playing?"
"No. I was actually reading something on the Jamp Magazine website so I was saved by that."
"Sai and I were talking while replaying his match with Akira, but we talked about you too…"
/Skrrit, skrit.
"I wonder about that person who sponsored you. You never thanked him." Sai pointed his fan.
"Do I really have to?"
"Yes!"
"But how? He's a little…intimidating." I drew a circle on the ground, dragging the stick longer than necessary.
"I want to play him sometime."
Still squatting on the ground, I looked up into his face. "What's this all of a sudden?"
"You don't see it right now, but his enthusiasm rivals mine."
"That scary glasses sensei?"
"That…why would you say something like that? Haven't you noticed him taking note of you all this time?"
"He has?"
Sai slapped his forehead, sighing. "Oh Hikaru! You never look at your surroundings!"
"Hmph! Well sorry for being oblivious."
"That's not what I meant…" His tone became soft. "He's not encumbered."
"I don't get what you're saying."
"You will. Someday."
"Acting all mysterious…" I shook my head and dropped the stick.
Sai was trying to touch my head and his fingers tingled on my scalp even if they slipped right through./
After his recollection, that teary expression returns though there's no water in his eyes.
"So I was 'scary glasses' sensei, was I?"
"Yeah." His eyes watch mine and he pouts, looking away for a second.
Just as we're going to turn the corner, in the near darkness, he stops in front of me once more and reaches out to brush my bangs from my eyes.
Being used to it by now, I jest, "Glad you don't think I'm intimidating anymore."
"I do sometimes."
"But you always touch my hair."
As well as disregard my personal space.
Slowly running his fingers through, he seriously says, "So I can clearly see your face."
"Why's that important?"
Why are you looking at me like that?
"Because I've waited until I was tall enough to do it." His fingers stop midway and his thumb rubs against the edge of my ear.
"Hikaru?" I stand very still.
"You won't ever look at me like that, will you?"
Before I can even understand or reply, he takes his hand away and walks ahead to the convenience store.
I have a feeling this isn't about Akira. And more than Sai.
+/+/+/+/+/
"Umph." Hikaru piles the basket with chocolate, pudding, ice cream, potato chips, and onigiri along with any type of milk tea and lemonade in the fridges onto the counter.
He turns to me and points at the nikuman next to the register. "We should get these for Aki."
"Could we get three of those please?" Oh…" He points at the American dogs. "Three of these too. Thanks."
The cashier puts everything into their respective paper bags and soon rings us up.
Beep. Beep. Beep…
There is nothing but a long stream of beeps for the next twenty seconds.
Just where does he store all of this on his slim body?
But I take out my wallet anyway even though he insists on paying, I win this time 'round.
On the way back, I'm the one carrying five plastic bags worth of snacks while he pulls out one nikuman from the bag of warm food in his hand.
"Aki says not to eat these but if you put them in front of him, he will." He crinkles his nose impishly.
"Really?'
"He has such random tastes." Hikaru makes a funny face, furrowing his brows and grimaces. "When I think he'll like one thing, he'll want something completely different."
I begin to laugh and nod. "Sounds about right."
"So you think so too, huh?
Quickly, I nod affirmatively. "There was one time I thought he would totally love taiyaki. Nope. He wanted the warm chocolate cookies I brought for Sensei so I ended up changing the snacks I was going to give them. I didn't have the guts to take the box back once Akira happily hugged it and said thank you to me. I'm glad his mother liked the opera cake I bought her though."
"You're frightening when you play and then there's…this." He puts the nikuman back and chuckles loudly.
"I'm glad that you're taking good care of him, Hikaru."
"I try. If I don't, he won't sleep or stop analyzing games." He scratches his head. "I can't cook well, but he eats it so it's all good."
"Keep taking good care of him, Hikaru."
He stops walking.
"Why…?"
I grip onto the plastic bags. "I was the one who set up for you two to come here. We all agreed to this, but I realize now what you've been doing ever since our talk at the park. And I let myself be led, pretending I didn't. How many steps do you think I've thought ahead?"
"To a forced end game?" He gulps.
"I don't want to do what my parents did."
To have Akira worry over me. To break your perfect equilibrium and drive…
Most of all, to have Sensei hate me for touching his treasure.
I can't want this, but it's so easy to be swayed.
He listens quietly while observing my face as the path darkens the further we move on.
"The only one who's out of place here is me. Why force it? I'm not a factor in this equation."
"You're just saying that because you don't want to be responsible for anyone else."
"Yes. So what of it?"
"Why won't you let us care about you?"
Stopping, I put my hand over my eyes, my thumb and ring finger over my temples. "You can say that so easily…"
Was I ever this carefree when I was your age? I don't think so.
"I just don't get why. It's obvious even to me that we're a good team." Stepping ahead of me, he turns around.
We're a bit out of the street lamp's luminescence.
"A team? Is this what you call it?"
"When I couldn't escape Sai's presence, that we'd be stuck together for a while, I accepted that we should work together as a team." He holds an open his palm out towards me. "With this hand, I'm somehow still able to hold on. To play for, against, and with him."
Slowly, he clenches onto my elbow. "I'll give you a proper battle. I'm not Sai, but he gave me everything. I promised him I would play you. Will you let me? Until then, please think about this. About all three of us…because when we do fight, this is what I'm going to be doing it for."
"Why are you so persistent?" I can't do anything but stare at him.
You don't gain anything with me.
"I want Aki's happiness to be complete. With no regrets."
"And yourself?"
"I have Go, Aki, Sai, and my family. Anything else is icing."
"I would have expected you wanted more."
He glances at me, pausing for a moment. I feel a bit uncomfortable at the strength of his honesty, not caring about what I think this look means.
Releasing his fingers, we resume walking.
"All I want is to be Aki's lifelong rival. To win any battle to meet Sai again. That's all in Go and there's nothing else that gives me the highest high." He pokes my arm. "It's the same for you, right? After all, Aki says besides me, you're always a fun opponent."
"He really said that?"
"You were the only one who patiently played him as a kid."
"Well, he's Sensei's child."
"He said the only time he ever saw you truly smile was when you played Go."
We turn the corner and approach the house.
Halting on the stone path to the front door, I feel his intense stare.
"What do you really want from me then?"
"I wish that you'd take my words seriously. And also learn about the real me."
Slipping his hand into my pant pocket, he takes the keys and opens the front door. "But don't you think it's something that Sai appeared before you and not me this time? That's when I found Go and Akira. So what do you need to find, Sensei?"
"I don't know, Hikaru. What I want and what's acceptable, those lines don't have a chance of ever meeting."
Click. The door opens, but he turns his head to look at me.
"You don't have to always follow the joseki." Taking the key out, he reaches back to place it into my palm, firmly holding onto my hand. "We'll find a way to connect our stones together."
I feel a flicker of hope burn through my doubts.
Finally, he lets me go.
We're slipping through the front door to find the lights on and Akira at the genkan, sitting on the step and leaning on the wall waiting for us.
"We're back~!" Hikaru kisses him on the lips, closing his eyes and enjoying it. "Went to the combini. Here's your onigiri."
"Thanks." Akira smiles sleepily and pats Hikaru's stomach. "I was wondering where the two of you had gone and then I remembered this."
"Oh, and here's nikuman and pudding too. Hee."
"You…" His teeth shine while smiling.
I take my shoes off as Hikaru takes the bags and makes his way upstairs to the kitchen.
Akira stands up and as I approach him, he looks up, pulling my shoulders so that I'm forced to bend forward. With his thumbs, he wipes my eyes. "I hope Hikaru didn't say anything unnecessary…."
Indignantly, I avert my head to avoid incrimination. "Of course not. We just got food. Besides, I couldn't-"
Kissing me too on the lips, he greets, "Welcome back, Seiji."
No one's ever said that to me in my entire life.
Tongue-tied, my feet are planted to the floor.
Ah, so this was what missing the last time I left this door alone.
"I'm home, Akira."
+/+/+/+/+/
I wake up after the dawn and the first approach of light streams through the windows.
It's been a while since I didn't get up in the middle of the night for one reason or other so I feel refreshed. Turning over, I see Akira holding onto Hikaru's hand with his lips brushing on the fingertips while Hikaru's arm is hugging Akira's exposed waist. The blankets are bunched below their feet and nowhere close to their futons.
As strict as they both are to keep up the schedule as I am, they've also slept in.
Must be the magic of a Sunday morning. Heh.
Scanning the room, the silence draws a whole new atmosphere ever since they've come to live here.
I know it's only for about a week and a half more, but I can already see myself preparing for next week's departure. My default is to steel myself, but I didn't think my impulsive invitation would cause such an impact on the flow of my own existence.
Never the type to dwell on such things, when I truly think about it, the only reason I'm aware of it is because of them. All I thought were important became more special. Everything else beyond those things are radically irrelevant. Because I value Go, them, my family, Sensei and his wife with more fervor, I realize how vital they are to keep my spirit alive.
To live as I've always wanted to.
So what have I been doing until this point?
For now, I hold Akira's hand and bring it to my forehead. I begin to recall our episode at the Institute and stop it before it freezes my entire being.
I…
I can't go back to the way things used to be.
Getting up, I kiss his forehead and pat Hikaru's bangs before going upstairs to brush my teeth.
+/+/+/+/+/
"Thanks for dropping me off."
"Are you sure you don't want us to pick you up?"
"Naw, I can take the train and meet you two there." Hikaru waves goodbye. "See you later!"
"Oh!" He sticks his head into the window to whisper into Akira's ear before running off.
Yet again, Akira's face is melting as he stares down at his lap and fidgets.
We start down the road and as I watch it (almost too closely), I ask, "I need to see someone before we head to the picnic."
"Who?" Akira opens the glove compartment and pulls out my cd collection.
"Ichikawa-san."
"So early in the morning?" He pulls one disc after another from the sleeves.
"I need to ask her something."
"About…?"
"Sai."
Looking away from the disc, he casually faces my direction. "Would she know about that?"
The tone says anything but. I suddenly feel like he's laid out a pincer move.
Is he goading or testing me? Somehow, it seems like both.
"I was going to ask if she had the record of your game with Hikaru when you two first met."
Dead silence.
"That's why I'm telling you now so that you won't be too upset."
There's nothing but the rustling of the cd sleeves.
"Why won't you show me?"
"Because it isn't necessary."
So this is what it feels like when I lock him out.
"I want to know. This may be the key to Sai."
"And then what?"
Holding one disc, he reads the etched playlist as I take glimpses while trying to concentrate (though poorly) on driving.
"I'll probably understand how I lost your attention and became obsessed with Hikaru."
Shifting gears, I press on the accelerator and he watches me from the corner of his eye while putting the cd into the player.
"Whether or not you like it, I still want to know. I've waited for you to tell me yourself and for whatever reason, you still won't."
Before, I was afraid to know. But now, I've got everything to lose so it doesn't really matter anymore…
Click, click, click. He skips to the song he wants.
"I did it partly out of pride. And partly that that is mine." His eyes squint with icy stubbornness.
Like an assassin on cue, the first bars of "True" begin to play and shoot me without mercy:
"So true, funny how it seems,
Always in time, but never in line for dreams.
Head over heels when toe to toe,
This is the sound of my soul!
This is the sound…"
Of all the songs, why did you have to pick this one?
"I wanted it to remain mine alone."
The stone cold way he says this perfectly delivers a low-key death blow to my soul.
I temporarily can't feel the steering wheel as we turn, passing a cemetery.
"Then why did you show Ochi-kun?"
"So that he'd understand his position in the pro exam."
"And not me?"
"Over the potential that you'd overlook me as your opponent and just want to play Hikaru."
"That's ridiculous."
"It isn't. My father wanted to play him for his shodan match. He usually declined, but that year, he specifically requested for him."
It always stupefying to see how in love he is with Hikaru and yet has this scathing response to him as a player.
In this sense, we're identical.
"You made me go see him at the Institute, didn't you? You knew he was there. I understand why, but while you thought I'd only be riled up to find him, I was more frustrated that you did it to provoke me.
"And how about the Wakajishisen? I had to go search for you when he played Murakami-san. You stared over his match rather than mine and that's fine, but why hold it over my head?" He grabs the hem of his blouse, holding it so much he's shaking with white knuckles. "That…that I could take, but…"
We stop at a red light and the shadows of discontent veil over his face. "You have no idea about the shock of seeing you cornering Hikaru when I came out of the hospital elevator. I had to keep my composure so I said your name twice to remind myself of where I was and what I was doing."
Why would you be this mad at me over that?
The light turns green.
"At the time, I just wanted to play Sai. That's why you and I went back to Sensei to ask him what he knew what was going on with Hikaru and Sai."
Unconvinced, Akira says nothing.
"Yes…" He unclenches his hands and is bizarrely calm.
I'm a little worried.
"…but the connection between them lies in that game. Actually, the first two games he ever played with me."
"So there were two."
"You really don't get it, do you, Seiji?"
He's looking out the window, but I hear the hurt in his voice as he explains, "I spent all these years trying to compete with you, to make you see me, and then Hikaru sweeps it all? Do you think I'll just take it without protesting?"
While I was upset with Hikaru taking him away from me, he was worried Hikaru was doing the same with me…
But why the present tense? As if it's still happening now in his mind?
How deep does your rancor extend to?
"You're one of the strongest people I know, Akira. So I honestly had no clue that you've been keeping that against me."
"You and Hikaru are my strength and my weakness. I…"
He doesn't finish his thought.
And then I see it. He folds his hands and points his gaze downwards: The exact stance his father has when deep in thought.
Taking my hand away from the gear shift, I place it over his folded ones.
"Hikaru is Hikaru. And you are you. Nothing or no one can ever change that for me. Not even Sai."
I feel warm droplets fall onto my fingers.
+/+/+/+/+/
"You have a key too?"
"When Sensei first opened this, I used to come before or after hours to practice by myself."
He looks on as I pull my key away and open the door.
When we both enter, we're taken aback from the sight of Ichikawa-san bending over a table to wipe it in a striped, sunshine yellow and white top, a white pleated tennis skirt and lacy mesh sneakers.
She's never worn such things in front of me and from Akira's mouth slightly opening, I don't think he has either.
Her shoulder length hair falls effortlessly with the curls bouncing as she spins the cloth in a clockwise motion. Humming to herself while listening to something with headphones that match her lemon-colored hairband, she smiles to herself and it's Akira who's clearing his throat.
We both stand there, daunted and not wanting her to finish quite yet.
The appeal of Taisho era Go salons having girls tend the front suddenly comes to mind.
"Oh!" She pulls her wireless headphones down to hang on her neck.
"Good morning," I greet while Akira nods his head, still stunned.
She glances at the clock. "I wasn't expecting you until nine. Then again, this is you and you're always early. Good morning back to the both of you."
"Would it have made a difference?"
"Yes because I change into my uniform before everyone comes."
"Your uniform?" Akira holds his hand over his mouth.
"I've always changed before opening time. You don't expect me to wear this while tending the front, do you?"
"You should," he blurts out.
Laughing, she shakes her head. "You always know how to charm me, don't you?"
Walking towards us with the rag in her hand, she questions, "I didn't know you were bringing Akira with you."
"I tagged along," Akira answers. "Remember I told you Hikaru and I were staying with Seiji until the exhibition?"
My eyebrows lift in surprise.
"Don't worry." He holds my arm. "I only told Father and Ayumi about it."
She's on a first name basis too. Why should I be surprised?
"I can keep a secret." She raises her hand.
"And that's why I'm here with a question."
"Yes?"
Before I open my mouth, Akira interjects, "Could you please bring out the records I took of Hikaru's first two games here?"
She blinks at him and then glances at me. "Is that okay? You said-"
"I know. But the circumstances have changed."
"All right. Let me just go to the back. It's been a while since you've looked at them…but do you really need them to show Ogata-sensei since I'm sure you can do it from memory?"
"I'm not at that point yet."
She takes his chin to search for a more solid answer.
"Okay."
I know they're close but how much? She must be thinking similar thoughts about us too. The funny thing is that we've known each other for so long and yet we've danced around one another out of etiquette.
"Does she know?"
Akira doesn't face me. "About what exactly? Us or Sai?"
"Sai."
"I've kept those records to keep me motivated and never forget the moment I met Hikaru and Sai."
"How about us?"
"No, only about Hikaru. She's the one who figured out my feelings before I did and the one person who truly knows about the two of us besides you."
"Oh."
"As for you-"
"Here they are." She spreads the sheets on the table closest to us. "I'll be right back. I just have to finish a few more things. Let me know if you need anything else."
"Thank you."
Pushing my hands onto the table, I lean over the sheets and squint as Akira reluctantly takes the Go stones and lays them on the board with me. He displays both games side-by-side for comparison, but I feel the thickness of walking through sludge as he looks at me the way Hikaru does when Sai's involved.
"This makes no sense. He not only played a teaching game with you, but Hikaru seems so much stronger here than he is now." I look over at Akira. He's been quietly eyeing me the entire time.
"This is the old Shindou."
"With Honinbou Shuusaku's moves," I add.
From the gravity of his face, he still doesn't want me to see these games.
"Now you're going to be addicted to know too."
He gets up and folds the papers to give them back to Ichikawa-san.
"I'll be waiting in the car in case there's anything you want to discuss privately with Ayumi. See you later and thanks again."
She hugs him tenderly. "Take care, Akira. Don't forget to come on Tuesday for my lesson."
"Of course."
The moment the door closes behind him, Ichikawa-san turns to me. "So he finally told you about Hikaru and him?"
"Yes."
She leans against the counter and glances at the vending machine area. "It seems so long ago since he was asking you to tell him about Sensei's match with Hikaru and you were smoking right there, doesn't it?"
"It really does."
"I thought you were going to talk to me about them." She crosses her arms. "But I was only half right. It was about his games with Hikaru and not their relationship."
"Well, yes. He didn't want to show me and I had, let's say, inspiration to ask you."
Her eyebrows rise. "I thought you were much more observant than this, Ogata-sensei. Why are playing around the point? You've finally decided, haven't you?"
"Concerning…?"
"I thought since you'd invited him to your house that you'd figured it out already, but it doesn't look like it. Haven't you noticed all this time that he's had a crush on you?"
I blink at her. It's more of her noticing and that I really hadn't thought about it until these past few weeks.
Had it been that far back?
"You, Sensei, and Akira think about nothing but Go." She crosses her arms while leaning on the counter.
"I thought we were just close since we're Sensei's students."
"Since the very beginning, the way he looks at you has always been special." She sighs but doesn't share her thoughts with me as she pushes, "He's been waiting for you to acknowledge him just like Hikaru chases him for his approval."
"When you put it that way, of course I've always seen him as an opponent."
"Do you really plan on stringing Akira for the rest of his life?"
"I've never thought of doing such a thing. Besides, he…" I decide not to smoke and go over to the vending machine to put in a hundred and ten yen. "…he has Hikaru now."
"Let him go or keep him beside you. But don't hurt them. That's all I ask."
The buttons flash at me to buy something.
"If I could avoid it, I would." I press the button for a can of black coffee and the drink bangs it way down.
She steps outside of the front desk and walks towards me. "Then why are you hesitating? Hikaru loves you very much too."
I bend down to grab the can and stand up.
"Are you listening to what you're saying? This is absurd. I never thought I'd be having this conversation with you. Especially not here. I thought you were more level-headed. So why are you so accepting about-"
And when I turn around to look into her eyes, I shut up. Her silence says everything I need to know.
Looking into her mirror, I'm seeing more than myself in this reflection.
"Ichikawa-san…"
"I don't know what you'll do and I can't tell you what to do either, but…" She keeps staring at me even though she's gripping onto her own arms. "This time, just let it flow to wherever it will lead to."
She unfolds her arms and places her right hand on my shoulder. "Remember when you were the one sitting in Akira's chair playing by yourself while I was preparing or cleaning up?"
I nod.
"You looked like you were always waiting for someone."
"Was I so transparent?"
"No, not really. I hadn't noticed until Akira started coming here without Sensei. Around that time, you came less and less. I thought it was because of your schedule." She lets go of my shoulder. "But one day, Akira came up to you and though you had a stern expression on your face after advising him, without thinking, he poked your nose and giggled with his hands over his mouth. I can't describe your expression, but it moved me. I've never seen you have that kind of face before or since. But that's when you stopped coming so often and I always wondered why."
Stepping back, she nods to herself. "Now I understand why."
"I don't want to hinder him. Nor make his life harder than it has been. He's had to carry a lot since he was small. I'm sure he was pestered, used, ridiculed and bullied but never told us.
"Until now, he can't step out and relax like others his age. It's only when he plays Go that he can let it all loose. I don't want to ever take that away from him."
It would kill me.
"Akira is cheerful, but he's never acted that cutely since that moment with you. Even when he was younger, he was perpetually calm and collected around everyone and anyone. I wanted to see him with that face again and Hikaru appeared. But he's really different when he's with you, Ogata-sensei." With both palms now flat on my shoulder blades, she squeezes them. "That's why he needs you. They both do. You just don't see it yet."
"Hmm…" I close my eyes halfway and smile. "I used to think I knew why Sensei chose you to run this place, but now I know you're an essential part of its livelihood. I'll keep your words in mind, but Akira and Hikaru seem to need your trust and guidance more than mine."
I really do nothing but make them frown. I'm not sure if we could be happy together…
"I wonder why you think so little of yourself when you're practically standing in as Sensei's representative."
"But you're the one who holds down this fort for all of us."
"Yes, that's a part of my job description." Releasing my shoulders, she gently pushes herself away from me and grins.
"Why do you still keep doing it?"
"Because it's fun. Because I feel I belong here. Most of all, I can be myself."
"Then about Akira…?"
From the tone in my voice, she gets the implication of my question.
"Once you've realized your ideal, do you think it's easy to move away from it?"
Her words unintentionally needle me.
Tapping her mouth, she ponders aloud, "Maybe that's why I've stayed too."
"But-"
She turns me around and pushes me towards the front door.
"So that's why I'll get you if you make Akira or Hikaru cry."
With my hand on the door, I reply, "I think I already have."
"I mean for real. And I do mean it."
"I know."
With my back towards her, I hold onto the door frame. "By the way, I've never asked why you chose to learn Go or apply here."
"I'll answer one for now and then the other one at a different time."
"All right."
"I used to work in a restaurant as a waitress and I got special permission to get that job. And I'd notice someone who'd come out at such odd hours of the day from the building across the street."
"Sounds like a suspicious character."
She shook her head. "He wasn't though. I was curious so I followed him and that led me here. I saw the advertisement for a 'cashier', but the next day, for whatever reason, Sensei came to the restaurant and headhunted me. I quit and came here. When I signed, he asked me to take care of this place."
"Oh, is that the story? I guess you answered two in one."
"Not quite. One of these days I'll tell you why I started to play Go."
I glimpse at her.
Heading down two flights of stairs, on the 5th floor, I stop. Akira is sitting down with his hands folded, his head pressed against his knuckles.
After all I've done to push you so that you'd break away…
the more you show me things like this, the worse I want to bind you.
How could you love me this much?
The instant he realizes I'm standing behind him, he gets up and explains, "I was headed to the car, but thought it'd be too hu-"
I plaster his wrists against the cold wall and kiss him. His muscles tighten as his hands become fists and then loosen when he kisses me back.
I never thought you'd make me go this crazy.
Pulling away, I put my hands into my pockets and head down the stairs with a dazed Akira standing in place for a few seconds.
Will I break my head and scrape at the bottom someday…
I begin to smile up at him and he blushes down me, a shade of scarlet I've never seen and worse than ever before.
…or will your affection keep growing until there is no end?
Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
-
Author's note: I was planning a longer chapter with more people, but I decided to split it into two chapters because I'm really enjoying this in depth look at everyone. (I'd planned three additional scenes to this chapter but then I didn't want to cram too much in.)
I'm so glad we got to Ichikawa-san! She too appears frequently and I always felt she saw more than she implied.
Even if Akira is relaxed with her, they have a certain chemistry too!
I really enjoyed that part with Hikaru asking Ogata-sensei if he'd look at him in that certain way. I felt that while writing it. Because everyone looks at Sai, he seems to always fight for people to see him and while Ogata-sensei and Akira love him, he has a complex about what they think he should be and what he knows about himself and his relationship with Sai.
And the reason I point out that part where Akira's upset about Hikaru is because I've played that part at the hospital so many times. His face/reaction speaks a lot louder than in the manga. It's the first time they're in the same space and there's too much going on.
I've rolled that scene in my mind for many years. It's why I made "silent, but profound" because I wasn't too convinced over the Hikaru/Ogata-sensei pairing, but realized that it could. It does make sense. So along these lines, I would think Akira would be pissed off.
With this chapter, I feel Ogata-sensei becomes more human to me than I used to think when I first saw him.
Love,
Yui
10/5/2021 8:55:57 PM – Los Angeles
10/6/2021 12:55:57 PM – Tokyo
