Fandom: Hikaru no Go / ヒカルの碁
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata x Akira, Hikaru + Akira, Hikaru x Ogata, Sai + Ogata

Rating: PG-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?

Disclaimer: Obata Takeshi-sensei is the owner of this wonderful title. We know we're here because we all love Hikaru no Go.

chiisana yasashisa wo kure
by Miyamoto Yui

Chapter 18 – The words I can't say.

We manage to meet at the address that Hikaru scribbled for us. I squint at the crumpled paper while Akira makes quips at how visually incomprehensible the address and the lines supposedly representing a 'map'. It's an apartment in front of the Tama River. On the fifth floor, we stand in front a door reading (serendipitously) #555.

"See? I made it here without getting lost."

Hikaru does a small dance on his tiptoes and Akira observes him, crossing his arms and an index finger over his mouth. But a second later, he chortles, the kind that says, "He's a complete dork, but I absolute love him because he's too cute when he does things like this."

"Yes, yes. The first out of thirty-six other attempts by yourself," Akira teases under his breath.
"Hey!"

Knock, knock.
Hikaru's grinning at the door before anything happens behind it.

"I'll get that. I bet it's Hikaru~!" Someone shouts from inside the apartment.
"Thanks~!"

Hey, isn't that voice-

"So popular." Akira comments while touching his neck, his hair moving sleekly, a breeze inside a windchime.
"Eh heh heh." Hikaru touches Akira's elbow to quell the green-eyed vibe before the door opens.

Click.
At the doorway, a tall teenager's face lights up, unable to repress the need to hug Hikaru. "Hikaru! I knew it was you!"

The Korean representative is here?

"Suyong~!" He scruffs his hair of the national champion as the boy lights up at the thrilled greeting.
Stepping backwards, he clears his throat in embarrassment. "I can't wait to play you."

But when those eyes see who's behind Hikaru, his jaw drops. "You said you'd bring some friends from the Institute, but…wow."
Tipping my head, Akira bows his too.
"Touya…Ogata Jyuudan…"
"Why are you guys still at the door-Oh…crap." Waya, who mumbles almost inaudibly but I read his lips, is just as mortified. "Hello! Uh…come in! I'm sorry if my place isn't so presentable, but please make yourselves at home."

We enter the living room to discover other former Insei are assembled inside: Ochi, Nase, and Honda. They stand up at attention, but are too baffled to say anything besides formal greetings.

How do I express that they shouldn't be so alarmed?

I start to feel self-conscious. They all appear uncomfortable and my mind defaults into 'cool' mode. This is partially why I keep to myself in any social setting.

Akira gives me an encouraging glance: "They'll understand if you're just yourself."

Myself…

"Hey, can someone help with packing the ramen?" a tall Chinese man pops his head through the doorway.
"I will," I volunteer and have no qualms about running away to the kitchen.

"Hello, Ogata-sensei." Isumi drains noodles at the sink and puts them into separate bowls for everyone. "I didn't know you were coming."
"I hadn't anticipated on it either, but Shindou said practicing in a different environment may be beneficial."

Even if he's one of the most serious Insei I've ever met, his eyes are laughing though his mouth remains unchanged. Wonder why he seems pleased as opposed to the others?

"We just wanted a picnic and to play Go so we combined both." He continues to drain the water, handing me the noodles for packing.
"That sounds good to me. I haven't done this in a long time." I place a lid and hand it to a kid who could've been mistaken for Waya's younger brother.
"Really?"
Chuckling a bit, I shake my head. "Am I not allowed to?"

I know it's not fair, but Hikaru's rubbing off on me.

Isumi and the one who called me in here, and Waya's look-alike all stand there besides themselves at my jest.
"Just what kind of image do I have in your eyes?" I raise an eyebrow, mildly entertained by their shock.
"Ahem." Isumi holds onto the strainer without moving, water dripping into the sink. "Mmm…well…honestly? You look like you only go to first-rate establishments or something to that extent?"
They all nod in agreement with him.

"Weren't you the one who escorted the singer Matsumoro-san to the Bellboard Japan Music Awards two years ago?" The Chinese man is rolling the ladle to take out the fat at the surface of the broth.
Isumi and I are now placing vegetables into each person's container.
"So do you keep up with the idols here? I rather like Parfume." He looks up and removes more fat.
"I hope we can talk about this later."
"I would love to."
"By the way, what is your name?"
"Oh. I'm sorry about that. I'm so used to seeing news about you that I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Hai Yang, but you can just call me Yang."

We talk a little more until everything is sealed individually for our group.
I end up carrying a box of soup while the others bring the rest of the ingredients to a place near the river. We are spread out over three large sea blue blankets near the Futago-Tamagawa River. One is exclusively reserved just for the fold out Go boards.

Since the four of us had handled the kitchen, we sat down as the others handed out our respective 'orders'. Nase gives me mine as I sit down next to Akira.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." She smiles as she goes back to get her own.
Hong sits next to Hikaru, whose knee is touching Akira's. He gives Hikaru and Akira their bowls. On other side of this circle, Ochi and Honda serve themselves and are waiting for everyone to settle down. Isumi isn't far from me, but leaves space between us for Yang to sit down as he waits for Waya.
Waya is the one making the rounds to pour broth (soy, shio, or miso) into each of our bowls and when he finishes, we bow our hands to say, "Itadakimasu!" and "Jal meokkessumnida."

At first taste, each person's expression changes to content and impressed. For a few minutes, there's nothing but slurping and the smell of warm ramen in the air. I peer around at the array of talent around me and begin think that maybe it was all right to accompany Hikaru and Akira after all.

Akira gives me half of his egg and some chicken pieces.
"I could have asked for more."
He just smiles at me. "Aren't these your favorite?"

And you're the one who says you don't know much about me…hmm.

Hikaru feeds Akira some of his charsiu and Akira nods. No one really bats an eye to this.

It seems they too have probably have something similar happen. The Shindou effect, I guess. He keeps talking about Sai and yet he's the one that embodies him and has no idea how persuasive he is.

I inwardly sigh.

Leaning over, Hikaru hands over his bowl. "You should try some of the broth of this one. Aki got shio and you have miso, but this one's shouyu."

"Here, you can try mine." We switch bowls for a moment and take a sip.
Slowly nodding at one another, Hikaru comments, "Now I want yours."
"This one vastly differs with adding the charsiu rather than chicken."
"Is it really that different?" Akira takes my bowl and samples it too. "I think I agree with Hikaru here."
"Yours cannot be that different."
Akira offers his bowl and I try it. "Oh. You're right."

"You are a good cook, Yang-san," I compliment.
Yang holds his head and nods, but that's when we realize that the whole group has stopped eating to gawk at us, except Waya, who is still slurping away on his second helping.

"I'm just curious. Are you here on vacation or…?"

Somehow my obvious attempt to divert attention makes Hong-san speak up. "We're here for the Meijin's exhibition. Now that it's been rescheduled, we definitely made it a priority to come."
"Oh. That's great to hear." I smile, rather pleased that there are so many younger players here with heads nodding in agreement and connections.

Sensei, no matter how many years it's been since you've retired, you still get people excited. I can only to aspire to do as much. Yet again, I'm humbled by the power of your presence.

"It's not everyday that many renowned players gather in one place." Ochi drinks his broth.
"Wouldn't you have to change your schedule or even forfeit some matches?" Hikaru inhales some of his noodles.
"Yes, but this is a once in a lifetime event." Honda puts his bowl down. "We never get to all play together in one venue."
"That's true." I nod while chewing more of the noodles.
"You act like you're not one of the players who isn't well-known," Waya interjects.
I give them all a glance over. "If we're talking about the 'older' players, I'm the youngest because Kurata is still considered part of your group. So I've yet to consider myself as 'famous'. But I appreciate your sentiments for thinking of me as so."
"You…" Akira sighs and stuffs noodles into my mouth.
No longer caring about appearances, I gulp it in one go while Hikaru gives Akira a thumbs up as Isumi clears his throat at me for the second time today. This time, however, Waya raises an eyebrow to our antics.

"So, who's up for Go?" Nase grins while patting a folding Go board.

+/+/+/+/+/

With well-fed stomachs, we unfold all the boards and it soon becomes an all-out no holds bar team tournament.

"For the next round, you should be the last boss, Ogata-sensei!"
I chuckle and there's a collective gasp.
Just as I'm about to give my opinion, the one named Le Ping (Waya's face double finally has a name) speaks up. "I want to play Ogata Jyuudan! I'm sure everyone does, but…"
"For today, do you think it's too much to forget about ranks? I just want to play as many games as I can with each of you. It's not always possible with the way the system works even if the Association is trying to change its policies."

Suyong and Hikaru immediately raise up their hands. "I'm for it!"
"I'd love to do that." Nase raises up her sleeves. "What about a speed go tournament to change pace?"
"I want to do a tournament with a tutoring session as the stakes."
"YES! Count me in!"
This soon dissolves into a slew of animated voices that I sit back and wait for what the others want.

"How about we do speed go with individual battles first and then a team one? Because let's be honest, this won't happen too often," Waya suggests.
"You're on!"

For a few hours, the world under the ultramarine skies is wonderful and unexpectedly perfect. I witness players from all over the nation and Asia being thoughtful and lively with a game that still connects me to this generation.

Maybe I'm not too far out of the loop after all.

Akira taps my fingers without batting an eye as he's waiting for Yang to make his move. I cough as I squint at Isumi, who is rubbing his chin as if it's life or death on the table of black and white. He looks up at me and blinks before shyly looking down again.

Hmm?

Hikaru, who's just finished his bout with Ochi, is leaning back. He turns his head and winks at me. I scold him with a sharp glance, but he smirks anyway while covering his mouth. So I roll my eyes back to the board…

By mid-afternoon, before the final round, it seems to be Hong-san (individuals) and me (after the team showdown).

Hong-san stares at me from across the board and then suddenly holds out his hand. When I shake it, it's quivering a bit though his face conveys nothing.

"I'm honored to play against you, Ogata-sensei."
I wave my hand. "It's my honor to have the opportunity to play you. Your record is…" I give a rundown summary of all the articles I've read and documentaries about him. This includes the ones we collectively translated from Chinese (Akira), Korean (Hikaru), and English (me).
And for a moment, the Korean national champion beams at me as if to say, "You know about me?"
I nod at him. "Of course. You've been reigning champion for five years already, the youngest title holder of your nation like Akira-san."
"Huh…" Hong nods to himself. "Hikaru was right."
"About…?"
"You really do pay attention to everybody. Thank you for caring about me. I wanted to play you ever since Akira-san said you're the strongest player next to the Meijin."
I smile at him. "There are others who are more experienced than me, but I am grateful for your thoughts."
We both bow at the same time. "Onegaishimasu."

+/+/+/+/+/

Hikaru and Le Ping nap while Hong, Nase, Akira, Honda, Waya, Ochi and Yang are playing football. I go over to the river with my hands in my pockets. Like all times in my life, I stare up at the sky.

How many times have you witnessed all my losses and my wins? And yet, even now, even when I go through heaven and hell, I'm glad to be here.

Now more than ever, in this short expanse of time, I could enjoy all these different players I've secretly wanted to play since they've debuted. But it's only because of those two opening my world wider than I thought…

How can I let Hikaru and Akira back into this world without me pining after them?

I am no longer a teenager. My joints and my experiences wear me down though I don't show it. Yet, I want to listen to Hikaru's stories and have him fight against me. To kiss Akira when I go to bed and push me beyond my limits.

To be able to show them my weaknesses and be protected from my own self-destruction for a little while.

Contending with Sensei until I've no choice but to let go…
Why are these little wishes so hard to fulfill?

I guess that's why I'm good at Go. I've been balancing things for a long time.

"Ogata-sensei? Mind if I bother you?"
"No, not at all."
Clenching his hands together, Isumi blurts out, "I wanted to say thank you. Not only for this day, but for helping me find Hikaru when I first came back from China."
"I did?" We glimpse at one another when he comes to stand beside me.
"You brought me to a Go Salon when I was searching for him."
"That was nothing."
"No. That helped me get over a hurdle in order to play Go again." He looks up to the changing sky. "There's also something else I want to ask, if you don't mind."
"Yes?"
He brings out a signboard. "I've had this since I was a kid."
"It's blank."
"You're actually my favorite player out of all the title holders."
"Me?"
"For someone with flashy clothes, you're the quietest. The only one you've ever talked about in a match was with Akira-san years ago in the Honinbou Tournament. Other than that, you actually don't say much."
I watch him as he holds the board in between his hands. "I've had this for a while and I wanted you to sign it when we competed together. So I'm really glad we played together today. I won't ever forget it."
Taking the board from his hands, I wait for him to get me a pen, but then I pause. "I'll use my calligraphy brush at home and then give it back to you."
"You don't have to go through all that trouble."
"You've carried this for some time. I'll be sure to take good care of it."
"But your brush?" He starts to laugh. "That sounds very like you."
"How so?"
"You look modern on the outside. But on the inside, you're as traditional as they get. I don't mean it in a harsh way, but that's why I like the way you play."
I nod my head in thanks.

"I'm glad you were able to overcome your mental block."
"You noticed?"
"You were the one the title holders were talking about for a while and then, you failed. You suddenly dropped from the Institute and studied in China."
"I didn't think anyone but my friends noticed I was gone." He folds his hands together and stares at the river.
"Kuwabara Honinbou was the one who pointed it out."
"Why?"
"Funny thing was that he said that you reminded him of me."
"Oh…"
"I struggled so much when I was an Insei. I was invited to Sensei's study sessions, but it was a lot of pressure."
"Everyone expected something out of you?"
"No, not really. I didn't care what people thought. For me, only Sensei's opinion mattered. I desperately wanted his approval. At some point, the reason why you keep going is because of the mystery of the board, yourself, and the opponent. To me, he embodies the perfect rival, but I couldn't articulate it then."
"Go is my rock, but it isn't what defines me. I'm constantly battling to reshape what it means for others to play me."
Now, Isumi looks me confidently in the eye. "If there's a way to change the experience of Go itself for my opponent and myself, then I'll always live on the board."

Your struggles, wins and losses, and mental strength will catch up sooner than you think. Your mind's far beyond your current capabilities.

"With that kind of attitude, you'll meet the Divine Move at some point, Isumi. Talent is a starting point, but evolving without remorse has its own rewards."

He gulps and I see his eyes are blinking to hold himself back. "I…thank you."

"Shinichirou~! Ogata-sensei! I know you're discussing something, but we need you for a group photo."
"Okay, I guess I'll head on back before you two. Thank you again, Ogata-sensei."
"You're welcome."
Waya holds out his hand to stop him, but Isumi is quick to leave. He shrugs his shoulders and we head on back to the blankets.

"Waya-kun, before I forget, I should thank you for organizing all this even if you weren't expecting me."
He raises his hand and waves it politely. "That's fine, Sensei."

"Actually, there's something I've wanted to talk with you, but I never got to follow up on it."
"What is that?"
"Did you ever find out who Sai was?"
"Wow…it's funny that you mention that."
"Why?"
"Someone on the net has emerged and they reminded me of Sai. Their user name is 'Sakiji'."

"What an unusual name."
"Yeah." He faces me and gives a negative shake of his head. "Actually, I think it's someone we know."
"Oh, so you did find out who?"
"Not exactly. That's why I wanted to play everyone today. I thought I'd find out a hint of who Sakiji is. Just a gut feeling. But Hikaru's still the closest. "
"Hikaru-kun?"
"I've played Hikaru forever and he's the closest that ever pulled any Sai-type of moves, but this new player, he plays closely to Sai and Hikaru, but not at the same time."
I blink at him. "How is that?"
"The lazy moves make no sense whatsoever, but in the end, they win by ½ or 1 moku. It's agonizing because this person plays all the pros and guides the newcomers to all these stylish plays. Yet…"
"You sound hesitant."
"The moves evolve, but solidify Honinbou Shuusaku's power plays."

Couldn't it be Hikaru? I've never seen him play on the computer though.

"Why are you asking, Sensei?
"Because you're the one who made me aware of Sai so I was just curious if you ever solved the mystery."
"I don't think anyone has. Ah…but that name…it sure brings out memories. Until now, I get riled up over it. I wish he and the Meijin would've played again. They're the only ones who could match each other even now."
"Maybe someday."
"What makes you say that? Are you talking about yourself?"
I smile. "No, not me, but I've got a hunch."
"I thought you were skeptical about those things. I don't mean to be rude, but you weren't so convinced when Kuwabara Honinbou said he was watching Hikaru because of his intuition."
"People can change their minds, can't they?"
"I guess so."
"And wasn't there a time you were fuming over Akira-san?"
"Since we've become friends because of Hikaru, I think he's a bit cooler." He whispers while cupping his hand, "But don't ever tell him that."

When Waya and I arrive, everyone poses with grins all around. Then, just like that, we pack up everything, head back to Waya's apartment, and say our goodbyes.

On the way home, Akira cups his hand over mine while nodding off next to me. Hikaru scoots up in the middle of the back seat and places his hand on top of ours. Akira smiles and his fingers cling to us.

At the stop, I view the mirror to catch Hikaru staring at me.

"I'll never forget this. Thank you for taking me with you and Akira, Hikaru."

The light turns green and his arm lightly presses against the headrest with his hand on my chest. With the temperature of his palm rising, he whispers, "I need you too, Sensei."

How is it possible that you know the words I can't say?

Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
-

Author's note: I was debating to cut this chapter into different parts, but initially, I've had them all together (the last and next chapters). I cut them so that the chapters are more uniform thematically and I want to slow down so that we can think why these seemingly mundane things (a picnic or even a car ride) are small little joys in life.

It is quite long, but when I do multi-fics, I like to include other characters in the series somehow. They have helped to shape our main characters and frankly, there are some I think that are really cool. I didn't get to touch too much on it, but I would think Nase would have done something further with Go and that Ochi would probably mellow out. But Isumi was the one that stood out for me because I thought he was similar to Ogata-sensei in many ways.

There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn't want to rush it either. To tell the truth, I thought it was only a few months since I put up a chapter since I've been working on these three chapters (last, current, and next) for more than a year now so it's been a lot of editing. And then I saw the date was October 2021! I knew I had to get this out asap since it's always on my mind so that's why I didn't feel the lapse of time.

Hopefully, the next chapter is not long after. Until next read, thank you for being patient with me and hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Love always,
Yui

12/27/2022 6:13:44 PM – Los Angeles
12/28/2022 11:13:44 AM – Tokyo