Unidentified Flying Swiper

{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}}

Prowl should have been suspicious when Sideswipe didn't argue about the night shift. When nothing was gratffied, blown up, decorated, rations spiked, and minibots not riled up into a riotous mob, that was an indicator that something was amiss.

There were no arguments. No offering of duty swaps. No blackmails attempts, at least as far as Prowl could tell. Sunstreaker didn't send his brother sailing across the room or try to implant him into a bulkhead when the red Lamborghini tried to finagle his twin into changing shifts.

Sunstreaker didn't like the night shift either because it interfered with his creative flow. If he had to stay up all night and not exercise his artistic providence, there was the Pit to pay. When Sunstreaker performed a midnight shift, the entire crew suffered his temper.

So when Sideswipe quietly accepted his night shift duty, simply because half the crew was down with a nasty virus, Prowl should have been suspicious. Ratchet had to quarantine the infected crew to med bay where they were to enjoy his medical hospitality.

Due to the mechs social behavior, and their tendency to send things to each other via airwaves, half the crew were infected by noon. Ratchet was able to make a simple patch to prevent the rest of the crew from contracting the glitch, but as a precaution, the uninfected crew were to avoid contact. The ones who were infected had developed numerous glitches and oddities. Bots suffered from severe vertigo and errant coding that made them not censor their thought-to-speech patterns.

Bumblebee had the odd habit of doing pirouettes before he sat down. Tracks kept ticking like a time bomb. Powerglide emitted a series of clicks and whistles, like a teapot for sparklings.

Prowl would walk a few paces, pause, then lean forward, lift his leg, hold it in place for ten seconds, then lower it and then return to his destination. It took him four times as long to walk to Prime's office, where he submitted his report to Prime. An hour later, Prime was heard stuttering on the comms. He was unable to pronounce the letters P, M, S… which thankfully no human cottoned onto. He ended the transmission with a sputter that sounded like his engine was overtaxed. Ratchet called for everyone to be immediately screen and found half of the crew infected.

Jazz was currently in charge, complaining worse than Gears as he was stuck with the substantial mountain of paperwork usually handled by the two senior officers.

Typically, Jazz was in a bad mood.

Ratchet linked the anomalous behavior to when Wheeljack was playing with a reciprocating saw. He was hoping to sup it up and in the process, the power tool went flying through the air, and imbedded itself into the wall, cutting into the main relays for the power supply that linked to the recharge stations. When bots were running low and needed their batteries charged, and shutting down for a nightly cycle wasn't enough, they entered the elongated pods for a few hours and came out refreshed, refueled, and ready.

So when the recharge stations blew, the base in chaos, Jazz becoming surly due to his new duties, Sideswipe was assigned night shift monitor duty. When Prowl sent out the datapads the day before, all mechs groaned at their workload, several cursing Wheeljack's designation for his disregard to safety and putting such a hardship on his teammates.

Those who weren't affected covered shifts, Prowl able to perform his job, though the datapads he used were cleared through Ratchet before being passed on. Sunstreaker relinquished the monitors to his twin that evening, the base powering down to conserve energy and to let bots charge. Sideswipe was all alone.

Which was how he wanted it.

It was why he didn't complain when he was assigned the lone shift. He knew that Prowl knew he'd shirk the responsibility, and that he'd probably spend the time screwing around, but what Prowl didn't know was that Sideswipe was as ever, plotting his next prank.

One fifteen blinked on the chronometer and like a feral animal, Sideswipe grinned and inputted the last line of codes, giving them a little flourish for good measure as his plan was executed. A military satellite in orbit gave a beep as its control was relinquished to the nefarious Lambo. Sideswipe used the navigation controls from Tele-Tran to patch into the satellite and control its flight path. He knew it didn't have the maneuverability like with video games, but it was still fun to play with. He turned the optical sensor on, knowing that Cosmo was supposed to be within the celestial neighborhood. Sideswipe had found the UFO's projected flight path earlier and made sure to hack a satellite close by. He planned on following the UFO with the military satellite in hopes of freaking him out. But when he turned on the monitor, he met a surprise.

Cosmo was along the flight path given, but he was in robotic mode. And was in an intimate embrace with another satellite. His optics were off, looking like he was charging with his new found friend.

Sideswipe sent his hacked satellite closer, noting the white patch of paint from the corner of a country's flag stamped on the side of the satellite. The hacked satellite hovered for a moment, then did a slow circle around the pair and found that Cosmo was most definitely charging….. with his arms and legs wrapped around the satellite. Sideswipe briefly wondered which country had its transmissions corrupted due to an amorous UFO. Blackmail material obtained, Sideswipe buzzed his satellite in closer, making sure to hit the thrusters to maneuver the clunky metal. The sudden burst garnered the desired effect. Cosmo sputtered online, his optics immediately zeroing in on the encroaching satellite. The little lights along its metallic body blinked innocently but the UFO knew who as behind the innocent lens.

"Sideswipe," Cosmo said, disentangling himself from his impromptu sleep partner.

"Having fun are we?" Sideswipe asked via transmission.

"Its not what you think," Cosmo said, his cheek pates heating. He transformed back into his alt mode and puttered away from the satellite.

"Oh, no you don't, you sneaky mech," Sideswipe jeered. He used the maneuvering thrusters to follow the little green saucer.

"Is there a reason why you are contacting me?" Cosmo asked. There was an odd tone to his voice.

Sideswipe may be a prankster and yes, he enjoyed seeing others being caught in compromising situations, but something about the way Cosmo spoke made the verbal commentary die out in Sideswipe's vocalizer.

"Cosmo, what's wrong?" Sideswipe asked, frowning at the saucer. The satellite he hacked was able to keep up only because Cosmo was limited to using his own maneuvering thrusters due to Earth's high oxygen content. If he used his main drive it could ignite the atmosphere. So Sideswipe enjoyed chasing the saucer with the satellite, skimming the thermosphere and pestering his new quarry. He didn't know why he hadn't done this sooner. It was certainly a lot of fun. There was a lot of mischief available in the skies.

"Nothing." Cosmo spoke a little too quickly to be believable.

Now Sideswipe was getting worried. He didn't want anyone bothering the UFO.

"Is something wrong?" Sideswipe asked. "Did you get hurt? Are the Cons bothering you?"

It seemed unlikely, considering they concentrated their efforts on the ground, but it wouldn't surprise Sideswipe to learn the Cons were tormenting the saucer. He didn't like that. Only he was allowed to torment his teammates. There was an unspoken law and rule about such things. One didn't torture the enemy… one had to terrorize their own teammates. It was what the humans referred to as 'balance'… or some such nonsense. Sideswipe had a tendency to expand his pranking horizons. No one was safe. Not even the Cons. Sideswipe was the epitome of 'unbalanced.'

"It's just..." Cosmo started, but trailed off, changing course abruptly and causing Sideswipe to compensate with the military satellite.

"Just what?" Sideswipe asked, perturbed.

"No one ever calls to talk," Cosmo said, feeling as if a huge weight was lifting off his chest.

Sideswipe frowned, realization slow to dawn but when it did, he looked gobsmacked.

Of course!

"You're lonely," Sideswipe said, suddenly wondering what it was like to spend day in and day out, wandering along the upper atmosphere with no one to talk to or interact with. The only time Cosmo joined the Autobots was for big celebrations. Most communications were purely field reports. There was nothing … personal, that the bot could relate to. As far as Sideswipe could tell, the UFO didn't have any real friends.

That was kind of sad. And Sideswipe couldn't let a teammate down, even if he did pester them.

"I don't mind," Cosmo put in, his voice a little too rough. His words were forced, his emotions causing some friction with his sense of duty. "I mean, I know the Autobots rely on my watchful eye to make sure the Cons don't get into trouble and I know that Optimus wouldn't trust just anyone to this important task, and I am honored, really, to be considered worthy enough for Prime to…."

"Cosmo, stop imitating Bluestreak!" Sideswipe snapped good naturedly. He knew that the UFO had an important job but he never realized just how isolated the mech was, spending countless hours alone with no form of entertainment and social interaction. He was worse than Prowl!

"Sorry," Cosmo said meekly. "I just feel like I have to get everything out before I lose connection."

Sideswipe was able to read between the lines. Cosmo wanted to talk while he had someone to answer him or actually listen to him.

"Tell ya what, you don't tell anyone that I hacked this satellite and I'll change my shifts to do nights and we'll talk," Sideswipe said, knowing Cosmo could easily rat the Lambo out and then Sideswipe would be stuck in the brig. His own form of solitary….. though Sunstreaker usually charged nearby so he wasn't truly alone.

"Why would you do that?" Cosmo asked suspiciously. He knew the Lamborghini was notorious for his pranks. He thought he was being set up. As far as he could tell, he never been pranked by the devious twin. He could be looking to mark the entire Autobot forces off his 'to do' list.

"I know what its like to be alone." Sideswipe gave a one sided shrug that Cosmo couldn't see. "Course, I have my brother so I can always sense someone even if there's no one around. But I've been lonely. Times when our handlers kept us separated. And the scant few times some idiot assigned us to different regiments when we signed on."

"Someone … parted… you and Sunstreaker?" Cosmo asked curiously.

"Yeah," Sideswipe grinned, kicked his feet up onto the consol and released the controls of the satellite, as Cosmo now hovered, his sensors doing their routine sweeps of the surrounding terrain. "We were separated at basic camp. Kicked the tailpipes out of every since single combat instructor we were given. The unit commander thought we were a problem and that since we were so well trained, we could lead our own regiments."

"Anyone can see the two of you can't be apart for long," Cosmo said, enjoying the story to fill his boring hours.

"Well, the sparkache was pretty bad, but what most people don't know is, Sunny is a loose cannon,' Sideswipe said with a grin. If his brother knew what he was saying, he'd surely be terminated. "He comes across all burly and surly but the fact is, he senses things far too deeply than most give him credit. But he's like Prowl, and don't tell either I said that, but they both don't know how to deal with the emotional slag. So, he blows up."

"What did he do?" Cosmo asked. Scan complete he still hovered, enjoying the company.

"First he destroyed the barracks," Sideswipe recounted. His own senses during Sunstreaker's berserking rage had left him growling and gnashing his denta like a feral thing. But no one needed to know that. Except the command staff. And that was because Sideswipe bit Ratchet. "Then he beat the slag out of the security team that came to arrest him."

"Only?" Cosmo asked. Sideswipe could hear the grin in the UFO's voice.

"So the security mechs were all put in med bay, then My little Super Nova went to the washracks and demolished it because they didn't have the solvent and wax he likes to use."

"Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose?" Cosmo asked. "Destroying the one place he loves the most that involves detailing?"

"You would think but remember, Sunny wasn't using all his pistons at the time," Sideswipe said. "And he doesn't like to buff around others. Said it feels weird."

Cosmo offered a hum of agreement.

Sideswipe carried on.

"So after the whole place was flooded and lost two walls, ceiling collapsed, and four bots were stuck under ruble and another three had faucets rammed in places I'd rather not mention, my unstable half goes marching off to find the transports and probably demolish those as well but he's intercepted by the base commander."

"Oh no!" Cosmo gasped. He had an idea where the story was headed.

"So it took fourteen stunner shots to get Sunny down. He was kicking, screaming obscenities, punching, being an absolute Pit fighter from the underworld, you know, his usual self, and the base commander orders his evaluation." Sideswipe snorted through his vents for nearly a full minute. When he regained his composure he heard the tinkling laughter from the UFO. "So the processor hacker is waiting in Sunny's cell when he wakes up," Sideswipe continued. "Sunny looks at him, tells him to go frag himself and then physically forced the mech to perform that very thing."

"How is that even possible?" Cosmo asked in wonder.

"Dunno," Sideswipe shrugged again. "Sunshine's always been able to inflict the most damage and I think it has something to do with his artist stuff, but he can always find the weak vulnerable points and exploit them. Slagger's good at it, too!"

"Then what happened?"

"Well, the base commander and two of his triple changers come in to subdue Sunny and to get the processor doc safely out of the brig. They bring their medic in, a mech that never met Sunny, nor know of our …. Bio-circuitry."

Cosmo took that for what it meant. The medic didn't know they were half sparks.

"He comes in to subdue Sunny, the two triple changes end up with missing limbs, the medic forced face down with a stunrod shoved up his tailpipe and the base commander is hitting Sunny with multiple stun doses to take him down."

"He is an excellent fighter," Cosmo relayed. He had witnessed Sunstreaker's attitude on the battlefield. It had given him nightmares once.

Sideswipe smiled. He was never gong to tell his brother what was said. His ego didn't need any more stoking. So he continued with his story.

"Sunny goes down, unknowing the base commander is ordering his immediate termination."

"No!" Cosmo barked in outrage.

"When the medic had the stunrod extracted from his aft plates, he ran a scan on Sunny to check for possible battle damage and he found our little… secret," Sideswipe said. It wasn't really a secret but Sideswipe liked to pretend they were still keeping the information hush-hush.

"He explained to the base commander about the unique bond of twins and that Sunny was suffering from a mental breakdown because he had lost connection to the other half of his spark. Base commander Magnus spared him, sent him to Primes unit, and he's been docile every since."

"Docile?" Cosmo asked skeptically.

Sideswipe could almost see the brow ridge arched

"Well, he's a lot less destructive with me around."

"You taking up the slack for him?" Cosmo hazarded.

Sideswipe's grin turned into a hearty laugh. "Guess so. I do tend to cause more destruction now that he's back with me."

"Creative outlets," Cosmo said knowingly.

"Say, we're planning a party this Friday," Sideswipe said, hit with inspiration. He wished he was stuck with it as often as Ratchet's wrenches. "You want to attend?"

"I don't know if I could," Cosmo said, knowing he wasn't schedule for any downtime for another two weeks.

"Bullshit," Sideswipe said, tossing the human word into the mix and earning a sputter from the saucer. "Everyone needs to unwind and you're no different. I'll mention it to Prowl when I hand in my report from tonight."

"You'd do that?" Cosmo said.

"Sure. And I'll tall ya what, I'll asked Prowl for the night shifts the rest of the week. We'll sit and talk instead of watching boring monitors."

"Shouldn't you be working?" Cosmo asked, though he sounded forced.

"When was the last time the Cons attacked at night?" Sideswipe countered. "And rarely do they attack on weekends."

"How do you figure?" Cosmo asked, not noticing the connection until Sideswipe mentioned it.

"Dunno." Sideswipe sighed. "Maybe Meggy doesn't like to interrupt his favorite shows with energon raids? It's hard to tell what goes through his bucket. "

Cosmo laughed, losing altitude in his mirth. He ignited his thrusters to get level with the satellite.

"Prowl's been wondering who to assign for night shift, so if you want, I can volunteer for some." Sideswipe grinned at the idea of having a bot to listen to his stories and seemed genuinely happy to have him to talk. It was therapeutic. Not that he'd ever enlist Smokescreen's services. Sometimes a bot needed to talk and not be analyzed. "Still have to do patrols with my little ball of sunshine, but I'll see what I can swing."

"Really?" Cosmo sounded exited. His engines gave a choking sputter.

"Sure," Sideswipe said. "And you can come attend the party this weekend."

"What's the occasion?" Cosmo asked. He was usually only granted ground leave when there was something major.

"It's Friday!" Sideswipe snorted. "Don't need another reason other than that!"

"Celebrating…. a…. day?" Cosmo seemed lost with the concept.

Oh, he had been alone in space for too long.

"If it will make you feel better, I can find something to celebrate and make it official," Sideswipe said. He already had a thousand ideas running through his processor. Most of them weren't exactly 'safe'…. Some involved crashing bots and getting beaten by a deranged medical officer. But, Sideswipe had suffered worse.

"Don't do anything that will get someone hurt," Cosmo admonished. Then he remembered who he was talking to and shrugged it off. How the saucer was able to pull off a shrug was anyone's guess, but he still managed.

"Just don't tell anyone I hacked the satellites," Sideswipe reiterated. "I've got some ideas I want to put into motion and that's all I need is for Prowl to get wise and remove me from monitor duty."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Cosmo lied so easily it was scary. Sideswipe liked him even more.

Sideswipe looked to the chronometer and realized his shift was nearly up. "I'm going to have to go. It's nearly seven and my relief will be coming. I'll talk to Prowl before I go charge. Little slagger's probably up anyway. Hope he's annoying Ratchet."

"Sideswipe," Cosmo said in exasperation. Honestly the Lamborghini was incorrigible.

"I'll see about getting tonight's shift," Sideswipe said quickly. He could hear the heavy, slow trudging of pedes coming down the hall.

"Thank you, Sideswipe," Cosmo said before the transmission abruptly ended. The hacked satellite dropped in orbit before its inertia thrusters kicked in and returned it to its designated elevation and coordinates. Cosmo grinned to himself and zoomed off to patrol the next quadrant.

True to his word, Sideswipe commed Prowl through the ship and was able to instantly get the Praxian.

'Is there a chance I can have the next couple of night shifts?' Sideswipe asked.

Prowl sputtered for a moment. Sideswipe crossed his fingers in hopes of a crash but Prowl recovered. The slagger was getting harder and harder to crash. Sideswipe thought the glitch was starting to fade away. That would suck for his intentions.

'Why would you want night shifts?' :Prowl demanded. 'No one likes the night shift.'

'I liked it,' Sideswipe said simply.

'Why? What were you doing? You know I can run the logs and find out what you were doing?' Prowl snapped.

'I spent the shift talking to Cosmo,' Sideswipe said honestly. The honesty left a pleasant taste in his mouth. He had made sure to scrub the logs of his activities so there was no proof of his hacking. 'And I think he should be grounded this weekend.'

'Why? What did you do to him?' Prowl asked, his suspicious levels rising to Red Alert's constant state of alarm.

Sideswipe opened a comm. to Prime so he could hear as well. 'Did you know Cosmo spends all of his time alone in space, orbiting the planet, and NO ONE talks to him? He's left up there for weeks at a time, in silent, bland, solitude.'

There was a pause. Obviously the two command mechs were gauging Sideswipe's revelation. Sideswipe pressed on.

'No one contacts him. No one cares about him. Yet he continues to scan the planet and keep us safe.'

There was a buzz of static, no doubt someone else was entering the conversation.

'All of us get down time and can socialize and yet, Cosmo doesn't get that,' Sideswipe sounded perturbed. "He's stuck in orbit for weeks at a time, only having conversation or company when he sends in his field report and then, transmissions are cut, leaving him all alone. I think he should be given ground time. And it's cruel that his schedule is so tough and he's thrown out into space just to wander while everyone else has friends.'

'Slag.' That gasp was Jazz.

'Never thought of it that way,' Ironhide put in.

'I do believe it is an oversight,' Prime said slowly. He felt sickened to think all this time Cosmo had suffered in silence. He should have paid more attention to those under his command. 'Recommendations?'

The question was thrown out to the command staff but it was Sideswipe who answered.

'Night shift talks to him and on the weekends, he's grounded.'

'Prowl?' Prime asked, waiting on the Praxian to do his shift changes and calculations. The mech was scarily efficient.

'That is agreeable,' Prowl said finally. 'And I have assigned Sideswipe to the next three evenings. I will compose a new duty schedule until the weekend. Please stop by the medbay this evening and collect it for distribution.'

"Will do,' Sideswipe said cheerily.

'Sideswipe, do you now anything about human satellites?' Jazz asked.

'I know there's a bunch of them from different countries. Why?' Sideswipe asked innocently.

'I just received a message from the military that one of their satellites was hacked last night.'

'I was talking to Cosmo all night,' Sideswipe said, omitting his part in the conversation. 'We didn't notice anything.'

'Well, they are claiming that it was hacked and moved away from its relay location,' Jazz said.

'Don't humans hack satellites?' Sideswipe asked, then beeped in alarm, 'Do you think one of those human hackers could hack… us?'

'Of course not,' Prowl said immediately. 'We have firewalls that prevent such things.'

'Can't some humans get around firewalls?' Sideswipe asked meekly. He never thought of being hacked and now, the idea made his circuits tingle... in a bad way.

'Ratchet has assured us that everyone has the standard Cybertronian defense against such possible incursions,' Prowl said, every so efficiently.

'Yeah, but humans are inventive slaggers,' Sideswipe said. 'They could figure a way around our defenses.'

There was a pause, the communications line buzzing again. Then the irritate tones of a medic cut across

'What are you talking about, you slagger?' Ratchet snapped. The line buzzed again. Ratchet lost some of his vehemence. "I'll talk to Wheeljack. See if we can create some countering algorithms.'

'It would be appreciated,' Prime put in.

'Can't believe that slagger thought of this,' Ratchet groused, meaning Sideswipe.

'I love you too, Ratchie-poo,' Sideswipe crooned, sending the sound affect of a human kiss over the line.

'Remember you worthless little prankster, you'll have to get the new algorithm, too,' Ratchet's voice was dark, foreboding. 'And you have to be in stasis for a full reboot.'

Sideswipe emitted a mouse like squeak as Ratchet chuckled darkly.

'Sideswipe, I suggest you charge,' Prowl said, tapping away on a datapad that was to be picked up by the Lambo later in the day. 'I'm changing the schedule as per your request.'

'Good idea,' Sideswipe said, stretching his frame as he crawled onto his berth. He made a mental note to alert Cosmo to the change of satellites, letting the UFO know which ones he planned to hack to follow him around. And Sideswipe knew just the prank he was going to play on the unsuspecting UFO.

{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}} [[-]]{{_}}

Well, what do you think? Another concept to make you face palm and ask yourself, 'HOW did I miss that?' I have a feeling, Prime asks himself that A LOT...especially with the twins in residence. ;)

Warning: Dont know when I'll be able to update again. Real life is terrible at the moment and my mother is in danger of losing her job because she is unable to take the flu vaccine again. Last year when she took it, she went into thyroid storm and now has to have medication. She developed a brain lesion AND swelling on the brain due to the shot and her history of meningitis/ encephalitis and requires several medications to keep the swelling and pain down, and now the hospital is saying she's a 'liability' because TWO neurologists said if she takes the shot again, there's a VERY high percentage chance that it will kill her. So basically, the hospital is telling her to either quit, or commit voluntary suicide by taking the shot. She has until Friday to decide if she wants to continue working. Needless to say, fanfiction is the furthest thing from my mind. I hope everyone can understand and please, prayers that everything works out would be appreciated.

Love,

PJ