Chapter Eighty-Six

"I will not be leaving or abandoning or breaking up with you at this time. You've never once done anything to cause me pain, Lorna. The only reason I cry and hurt is because you've been hurt so fucking terribly and I wish—I wish so badly that I knew you when it was happening. So I could have been there to protect you and ward off your evil uncle. It's not your fault what happened and it's not your fault I'm hurting for you, baby. Is that what's making you say this? Do you think it's your fault I'm upset and that's why you're telling me I should break up with you?"

Tips of her fingers softly caressed along the length of each of Nicky's cheeks. Lorna swallowed the lump that had just formed and stared back into the eyes of her girlfriend with the utmost affection oozing from her own. Blood warmly flowed through her veins as she processed all that was spoken to her. It reignited the tears to form from the bottom of her eyelids. She pressed her face onto Nicky's once more, letting her lips gently peck over the little spot which separated Nicky's nose from her mouth.

Lorna snuffled after and framed her hand firmly on Nicky's face. Their eyes were on the same level, both peering directly into one another, and all Lorna could see was the agony seeping its way through Nicky's brown ones. And though Nicky made it very clear nothing was her fault, Lorna couldn't refrain from thinking the opposite. Maybe that was just her self-loathing trying to overpower her once again or maybe there was some truth behind it. She couldn't tell which was truer. Her mind found it rather thrilling confusing her the majority of the time she'd come to realize long ago.

Lower lip sucked in under her top one and her fingers drew tender circles around the flesh of the cheek her hand was cradled around. "Nicky, you—you've done so much for me, hon. You're the sweetest person I know and I'll love you until the day I die," were the gentle words Lorna started off with, tracing more and more circles around Nicky's cheek. A sigh forced its way out of her throat. The whole night had been one fuckery after the other, she mentally noted and still remained unsure how it led to this moment right now.

How it went from the two of them making sweet, passionate, love just an hour ago to Lorna's trying to convince Nicky why she should leave her now. It made zero sense. Zero fucking sense. Even Lorna knew that. But despite knowing how unfathomably ludicrous this was, she couldn't seem to stop herself from persisting. She had a fucking problem. She couldn't stop from torturing herself, couldn't stop from giving in to the irrational self-loathing rather than her logical mind trying to bargain her the opposite way.

"I'll love you forever, Nicky. I mean that. But I just…I know I'm not no good for ya and I can't live with myself knowing that my own problems are rubbing off on you and making you hurt, too. Why should you want that for yourself, hon? You have so much love, so much compassion—why waste all that on someone like me, ya know?"

Eyes squinted upon hearing Lorna's reasoning. Breath hitched in her throat as her gaze softened on the younger girl. Nicky bit down on the side of her mouth while trying to figure out what to say. She had no idea how to get it in Lorna's head that no matter what thoughts plagued her mind she would never abandon her. Her hands drifted up until they landed on each one of Lorna's. Fingers tracing around both hands' flesh in slow, gentle, circular motions.

While she could somewhat understand where Lorna may have been coming from, Nicky certainly couldn't comprehend how her leaving Lorna would benefit either one of them. She definitely wouldn't benefit from it. Lorna was her love. Her sweet, angelic, love and there wasn't anything Lorna said that would ever convince her to leave. A breath huffed out as she tilted her head, watching Lorna with tender eyes. "Excuse me, are you calling my beautiful girlfriend a waste?" Was about the most Nicky could manage to say without her emotions leaking out too much.

Nicky's fingers retained their soothing strokes on Lorna's hand the same way her big brown eyes kept their warm stare on Lorna's. Lorna felt a pang forming in her chest, unsure of how to respond. The more she tried to encourage Nicky to push away from her the closer Nicky held onto her. Did she have to use reverse psychology to get her intentions to work the correct way?

But deep down, Lorna didn't want to be without her. Without Nicky. Nicky made her feel whole, complete, like she fucking mattered for once in her life. And yet she couldn't allow herself that satisfaction. She was the one who wanted to sabotage her own relationship to fucking appease her unrelenting goddamn self-hatred because she was fucking sick. A sick fucking person. Maybe even a sick soul. Was she wicked? Lorna couldn't answer that. She had a hard time recognizing who she was anymore.

"You're not listening to me, hon."

"But I am, baby. I am listening to you and I don't understand what is making ya say all this. You're blaming yourself for your own pain and I don't know why. It's not your fault, Lorna. What happened to you isn't your fault," Nicky softly assured her. Hands laying flat over the smaller ones underneath them, pressing their palms gently onto the flesh of the top of Lorna's. "And you're minimizing yourself as if you're some sorta waste to the world…what makes you think that? You are so special, Lorna, so special and so fucking beautiful. I can't stand to hear you talk so poorly of yourself like this."

Lorna had the urge to push away. To remove herself from the loving arms of her girlfriend. Where she didn't believe she deserved to be. There was so much shit wrong with her. She had no business pawning all of that onto other people, especially Nicky. Nicky was beyond good to her. Had done a lot of things for her that no other person even considered before. And what did she give to her in return? More fucking stress, more agony, more pain. Nicky should have the desire to run for the hills now rather than later, she thought. The longer she chose to stay the worse things would get.

It proved harder to hold her eyes on Nicky's. Nicky's stare was rather intense. So intense that it cracked her heart a slight amount the more she returned the stare. Washed her mind with conflicting thoughts. She believed Nicky meant everything she told her, wholeheartedly, however, that didn't negate the oozing guilt. The way she felt about the whole situation. She truly didn't believe it was good for Nicky to be with her. There was only so much hurt one person could take, she rationalized. And though Nicky proclaimed she would always want to be there for her, what would taking on Lorna's pain time and again do to her over time?

"But you're hurting because of my pain. Who else's fault is it besides mine? There's no one else to blame but me, hon. It's my fault you're hurting…I'm a toxic person and I really don't want you to be trapped here with me," Lorna muttered, eyes shutting to stop the tears from continuing to flow out. She feared if she didn't, they would flood her until she ceased existence.

The comment did nothing but cause Nicky's head to exhaustively shake. What the fuck. This wasn't how the night was supposed to end. And it wouldn't have turned into this if she hadn't have made the energy between them turn serious. She wanted to scream at herself but refrained. Instead, she lifted her hands up to her head and irritatingly slicked back her hair.

Attention gradually landed back onto Lorna once she'd sufficiently recollected herself. Eyes softened once more and her hands returned onto either side of Lorna's face. Fingertips naturally caressing their way along the length of each pale cheek. "Lorna, sweetheart, listen to me," Nicky tenderly, yet firmly, commanded. When she observed a small nod of the other's head, she mirrored it with one of her own. Running her fingers over and over up and down each one of her cheeks. "You are not at fault for anything. Not your pain and not mine. The only one or people who are at fault for that are your father and uncle. Do you understand? They are the reason you're hurting because they fucking hurt you. I hurt for you, babe, but it's not your fault. It's their fault. Their fucking fault not Lorna's. Nothing happened because of you, kid."

"It's my pain that's making you hurt, Nicky, so that is my fault. Just leave me before it gets worse. I don't want you to be stuck with me, I'm not good for ya. Please, Nicky, please listen. I'm gonna go—"

"You're not gonna go anywhere, Lorna. It's late and I refuse to let ya walk away from this. Just, let's not talk about that anymore. I'm sorry, doll, I should have not said anything. I didn't mean to take away from the upbeat mood," Nicky hurriedly interjected while securing her arms around Lorna so that she couldn't try to run away.

A sigh came out as she stroked her hands soothingly up and down Lorna's back. Eyes peering straight ahead at nothing in particular. This whole situation the pair of them were in right now was entirely her own doing, she knew. Had she just kept her mouth shut on the hidden pain she noticed in Lorna's eyes none of this would have occurred. Damn her and her impulsiveness. Nicky sucked down on her lower lip and shook the thoughts away. There was no use dwelling on it, she told herself, it wasn't like she could go back in time and undo what she said.

However, it was easier said than done. Lorna couldn't just let it slide. Her mind refused to allow her to do anything of the sort. Eyes focused up onto Nicky's face, who's own stare was fixed straight ahead as if she was looking into another dimension. Reminded her of the glassy stare she'd seen on her mother's face the weeks leading up to her death. She swallowed uneasily and settled her head back into the crook of Nicky's neck. Tears long dried up but left a few faded sniffles in their absence.

The pang in her chest strengthened slightly to hear Nicky apologizing and blaming herself for Lorna's own outburst. Well, maybe outburst wasn't the proper descriptor but regardless, it certainly wasn't anything Nicky needed to apologize for. Or take the fault for. She rested a hand on the spot right beside where her face lain and soothingly stroked around the area. "None a this is your fault, hon. I'm the one who upset you and I'm sorry. I still think you'd be better off without me but you're right, we needa not talk about that anymore tonight," Lorna's voice murmured softly onto the flesh it hovered atop.

Air exhaled deeply from Nicky's windpipe. She nestled her chin warmly onto the scalp of her girlfriend's head, combing her fingers tenderly through her thick brown waves. "Let's just agree neither of us are at fault, yeah?" When she felt Lorna's head bobbing up and down in response, she sighed once again and let their bodies naturally press even further into each other. "Good, now please don't think about all that negative stuff—at least not for the rest of the night. I don't want you to silently torment yourself, baby. I love you and no matter what thoughts are going through your mind I will never cease loving you."


Coffee wafted through the air. Its strong and intense scent was sufficient at waking Lorna from her slumber early the next morning. She squinted her eyes from the bright light spilling in through the hallway from the open doorway. Arms stretched above her head as she looked around, she observed that Nicky was no longer lying in the bed with her. She quickly jumped out of the bed, deciding on making it before she exited the room. It didn't take much longer than a minute to have the bed back in working order—as if it hadn't been slept in at all.

The closer she walked towards the kitchen the stronger the coffee scent became. Immediately, her lips perked their way up into a smile. Nothing made a school morning less excruciating than the delightful smell of a bold coffee, she thought. By the time she was all the way in the kitchen, her nose had become fully enthralled with the coffee's unwavering aroma.

Her brown eyes caught glimpse of Red's pattering about the room, the coffee just finishing its brew into the vessel, and Nicky's hovering over the counter beside the machine waiting needfully for it to finish. Seeing that instantly brought a faint chuckle from Lorna's throat. She cautiously walked nearer the redhead teen, stopping halfway when she remembered the conversation from last night. How she had tried so desperately to convince Nicky to leave her and felt the pit of her stomach form a sharp knot.

There wasn't much time for her to ponder any further on the previous night's conversation as it had quickly been interrupted by the sound of the coffee pot being removed from underneath the filter. Lorna stood and watched with attentive eyes while Nicky brought the pot to where she'd placed her mug and tipped it over the rim so the liquid easily poured right into the object. Shortly after, the vessel was replaced in its earlier spot and she observed Nicky's grabbing her now full cup and turning around to seemingly go have a seat at the table.

On her way to sit down, Nicky finally noticed Lorna's presence and stopped midtrip to snake her arms protectively around her waist. She gave her a loving squeeze along with a soft kiss atop her head. A sigh tumbled its way out of her windpipe as she remained standing and embracing Lorna closely for a few moments. She hoped the conversation from last night wouldn't rear its head again any time soon. The idea of Lorna's thinking such nonsense made her immensely uneasy. Nothing would convince her that she was better off without Lorna. Lorna was her love, her one love who she yearned for a future with. No matter what obstacles they had to face. She wanted to be there through all of it and she knew Lorna would certainly do the same for her.

Another huff of air expelled through. The thoughts slid temporarily away and she led Lorna to the table, releasing her so they both could situate themselves on adjacent chairs. Her coffee mug was set on the wooden surface right after a rather large sip of it was taken. The bold, flavorful, taste had her tastebuds rejoicing with gratitude. Her grogginess gradually fading into wakefulness. Something that didn't come to her lightly, especially not in the mornings. The last thing Nicky was was a morning person.

Lips curved up into a smile once she refocused her attention on the brunette next to her. One hand still gripping around the handle of the coffee mug in front of her. "Did ya sleep okay, kid? I'm sure the bed was more comfortable than the one at the hospital, yeah?"

Nodding intuitively, Lorna rubbed at her eyes to get rid of the sleep that had tried to stay behind. Her mouth formed into a smile that matched the one on her girlfriend's face. She reached a hand across the table and gently rested it on top of Nicky's which remained grappling onto the ceramic cup's handle. Fingers brushed their tips softly up and down the length of the hand, drawing circles once they made it up where her knuckles resided.

"I slept a lot betta than in the hospital. That's for sure, hon. It's so nice not hearing constant beeping and footsteps outside the room all night long. Never ever again do I wanna spend even a night in a hospital. Not a comfortable place," Lorna truthfully responded, letting her eyes slowly journey their way up onto Nicky's brown ones. The smile on her face did not falter and neither did Nicky's, she noticed with ease. Another tender circle was stroked around the flesh of the hand she covered hers over.

Nicky released her one hand from the mug and replaced it with her other, bringing it to her mouth for another much-needed sip. When she placed it down once more, she switched the positioning of her and Lorna's hands so that hers was the one cradling around Lorna's. She laced her fingers tenderly with Lorna's and carried it up to her lips where a soft kiss was pressed over each of her pale knuckles. "I'm sure ya did, doll. Hospitals are not the best places to sleep at. And hopefully ya won't have to go back to one any time soon."

Though she hoped Lorna didn't have to, she wasn't entirely sure if that wouldn't happen again in the future. After feeling last night just how bony Lorna's spine was, how frail and pale the majority of her skin appeared to be, Nicky couldn't honestly say whether or not Lorna would be free of going back to the hospital. If she kept things going the way they were, there was no telling what might possibly occur with her.

Despite the contradicting worries, Nicky kept them to herself. With everything that took place the night prior she certainly wasn't going to say anything that might retrigger it now. Nope, she thought, her lips were zipped—at least on that matter. She drew in a breath and allowed her lips to morph back into a smile. Lorna's hand was squeezed tightly in her own while their eyes were peering right into one another. A loose strand of brown hair fell over Lorna's which Nicky stroked lovingly away with her thumb.

"Mm," the younger teen hummed, closing her eyes as she let her nose become absorbed with the growing aroma of coffee. "That coffee smells amazing. I needa fix myself a cup—my brain is still tryna stay asleep." Lorna lightly chuckled at her own comment but realized Nicky's grasp on her hadn't yet released. The sensation only caused her to chuckle more. She brought her other hand over and set it on the one resting atop hers, patting it softly with her palm.

Eyes had since reopened and peeked up at Nicky. "I'm gonna need my hand back, hon, so I can get myself a cuppa coffee," she informed her, her laugh stopping and morphing into a warm smile instead. The thumb on her hand that rested on Nicky's softly patted over each knuckle.

A playful smirk displayed on Nicky's face while she copied Lorna by taking her other hand and placing it atop of their pile of hands. She used it, cupping it from the bottom, and slowly lifted them up to her mouth. Her lips inched closer, slowly and steadily, until they were pressing onto the flesh of Lorna's top one. "You need some coffee, huh babe?" The words hummed huskily from her as if they'd been spoke directly through her throat. Eyes watched Lorna's head nod. The smirk widened but grew into a more genuine smile. "How about I fix you a cup, yeah? Would ya like that? I know how ya like it by now so that won't be a problem. I just wanna fix my sweet girlfriend her first sweet cup of coffee for the day."

Having Nicky's warm lips pressing onto her hand's flesh brought a bout of tingles all throughout her body. Cheeks naturally brightened a few shades of red. Lorna couldn't resist her smile from doubling in size. It felt like a total one-eighty from last night. Eyebrows scrunched up upon the thought; she shook her head at herself. Nicky hadn't made her feel any less good last night—the conversation was what made her feel the total opposite of what she felt currently. And of course that was all her own doing.

She breathed in slowly and let those thoughts dissipate without any further attention. Right now all she needed was Nicky and a damn cup of coffee. And Nicky's offering to make it for her? Her body tingled even more with radiating warmth and affection. Two in one, she beamed. Coffee prepared by her beautiful girlfriend meant it would likely be the best cup of coffee she'd ever have. Anything made from the love Nicky had for her was deemed to be the best.

"That would be real nice, hon. Cream and Splenda, please." Lorna murmured. However, before Nicky could get up she switched the positioning of their hands and this time lifted them up to her mouth so she could peck a soft kiss over the delicate knuckles on Nicky's hand. Satisfied, she released them and watched Nicky head back in direction of the countertops where the coffee maker was.

Splenda, the request repeated in Nicky's mind. Eyes squinted at the word. The only reason she could think for why Lorna was so persistent in choosing Splenda over sugar was the calorie amount. Or rather lack there of calorie amount. Shoulders raised up as air entered her lungs through the nostrils of her nose. She grabbed a mug from the cabinet where she knew them to be and set it onto the counter beside the coffee pot.

Having witnessed Lorna's way of making her cup, she went to the fridge to retrieve the carton of creamer. When she carried it back to the empty cup, she poured a quarter amount inside of it before recapping the carton. Eyes searched around the surrounding area and quickly caught sight of Red's sugar dish. Albeit being told she wanted Splenda, Nicky was tempted to use the regular sugar instead. The sensation of Lorna's bones popping so far out of her spine yesterday came crashing to the surface. She reached for the sugar plate on autopilot, dragging it over to the cup, and grabbed a teaspoon from the drawer below to place inside of the dish.

Her plan, however, was swiftly halted by Red's standing beside her and stopping her with a firm hand. When Nicky turned her head to stare at the middle-aged Russian, she was greeted with a heavily firm one back. "What are ya doin', ma?" She spoke not much louder than a whisper. The last thing she needed was for Lorna to overhear and become concerned. Better yet, she thought, if Lorna overheard she might turn suspicious and distrustful of her. The thought quickly formed a guilty pang within her chest. It wasn't right for her to use the sugar in place of the Splenda, she knew that. But it scared her having felt protruding bones on Lorna's body. Made her realize how fucking deeply sucked in Lorna was to this eating disorder she had.

Red narrowed her eyes on Nicky. A disapproving mien on her face to see Nicky's hand digging a spoon into the sugar dish knowing full well Lorna specifically requested Splenda. "Better question, Nicky, is what are you doing?" Arms folded sternly over her chest as she held her gaze on her daughter. "That's not Splenda in that dish and you know it. Why are you trying to put sugar in her coffee?"

Chewing uneasily on the side of her mouth, Nicky's feet shifted on the wooden floor beneath them. Shoulders retracted in a shrug, yet, her hand remained with the spoon in the sugar dish. "Ma, look, she won't even know the difference. Please don't say anything. Lorna needs real sugar not that Splenda shit," Nicky muttered, grinding her teeth as she tried to keep her voice low and out of Lorna's earshot. She swallowed hard and momentarily leaned her head back so her eyes peered straight up at the ceiling. "The only reason she wants Splenda over sugar is because Splenda has no calories. Do you see Lorna? She needs the calories, ma. And if I have to pretend I put Splenda in her coffee to make sure she's consuming calories then I will. I don't want my girlfriend to die from starving herself."

Tightening a grip on Nicky's hand, Red shook her head disapprovingly at her. Though she understood the intentions behind such a choice were only out of concern for her girlfriend that certainly hadn't negated from the fact of how wrong it would be to do that to her. She tilted her head while intensifying her stare on the younger girl beside her. "It doesn't matter why she wants Splenda. She specifically asked you to put Splenda in her coffee. It wouldn't be right of you to disregard her request and use the real sugar, would it?" Eyebrows waggled slightly above her highly stern blue eyes.

"No but ma, you don't understand—"

"No, Nicky, no buts. Lorna asked nicely for Splenda. I have packets of it in the drawer right here," Red waved her hand to where she was directing her towards and sighed when Nicky hadn't moved even an inch from her current position. Nicky was definitely, without a doubt, the most stubborn girl she knew. It didn't surprise her much to see Nicky's refusing to abide by the request. She swallowed air and huffed it out in the form of an exasperated breath.

Nicky kept her head facing away from her surrogate mother so she wouldn't be able to see when she rolled her eyes so far back that it wouldn't have been a shock if they got stuck there. Lungs forced out her own draining breath of air and she lifted her free hand up to her forehead where she used it to rub vigorously at one of her temples. Of course she realized Red was right on everything she had said—it wouldn't be fair for her to do something like that to Lorna, even it was only out of worry and love for her. And if she did go forth with using the sugar over the requested Splenda, and Lorna found out, it was likely Lorna wouldn't be very trustful of her for a while. Something she surely didn't want to cause to happen. She needed Lorna's trust otherwise she couldn't successfully help her through this.

A sigh escaped through her throat. Her hand continued rubbing at the temple it rested on while her eyes darted between the sugar dish she still had her other hand with the spoon in and Red who stood a few feet away, now with a couple of yellow Splenda packets in her hand. Why the hell did everything have to be so complicated when it came to Lorna? Lips curved down into a disheartened frown. "How are we ever gonna be able to help the kid when we're enabling her to keep consuming the minimal amount of calories, ma?"

Setting the packets down next to Nicky's hand in the sugar dish, Red's demeanor softened and she placed her now free hand onto Nicky's shoulder. A soothing pat was given to it as she looked into her eyes with a slight sadness lurking in her own. She felt her own shoulders recoil into a shrug. "Well, honey, we're not gonna help her by tricking her. That would only make things worse for her. She wouldn't trust either of us if she found out real sugar was used over the Splenda she'd asked for, right?" Her voice was kept at a level only she and Nicky could hear.

"I understand that ma, I do, but look at her over there," Nicky cried out, using her head as a pointing device as she had it tilted in direction of the oblivious brunette who remained seated at the table. It caused her chest to tighten rather sharply observing how thin Lorna appeared. She swallowed uncomfortably before turning her focus back onto her surrogate mother beside her.

Lines creased on her forehead as her worry and concern grew by the second. "Look how skinny she is. She needs the calories, ma, please just let me do this for her. I'm not doing it to hurt her, I just want her to live. If she keeps choosing little to no calories I'm scared she'll die and I don't want that."

Nodding slowly, Red brought both of her hands up to cup around Nicky's face. It tore heavily on her heartstrings to see how much agony displayed on the face she held in her hands. "I know, Nicky, I know. I know you just want to help her but you can't do what you're wanting right now. It'll make things between you and Lorna strained and you don't want that. Because that would make trying to help her even more of a challenge since she'd be less trusting of you," she tried to carefully explain to Nicky the reasoning behind why she should refrain from substituting sugar for Splenda.

Nicky breathed in and let it exhale. She nodded reluctantly, choosing to abide by Lorna's original request of the zero calorie sweetener despite her reservations on the matter. Once the cup was filled with the swirling golden brown liquid, Nicky carried it back to the table and set it on the surface in front of Lorna. An arm secured itself around her waist upon settling back in the chair beside her. "There ya are, my sweet doll."

Lorna smiled and cradled the mug in her hands, "Thank you, honey."