"There was a Chickenpox outbreak. Kenny and Stan's Sister Shelley got it. Our parents mad us stay at Kenny's house so we got it, since it was safer to get it while you were younger. Cartman and Stan got sick but I didn't, at least not at..first. It took awhile"
"Then there was the Planetarium. It started with a field trip. We all thought we would hate it but wen ended up loving it. We came back many times. We even wanted to volunteer. The only one who didn't was Cartman. He didn't come to school that day because he was auditioning for Cheesy Poofs. He got the Part and he noticed something was wrong when he came back.
But first a poem I wrote in class.
"I bet you don't win,
they don't let big fat asses,
perform on TV"
Were were studying Haiku at the time. I got an A.
So Me, Stan and Kenny snuck back into the Planetarium. We though something was wrong. We found the controls on the machine. Kenny agreed to haveit tested on him. We fidgeted with the controls but found that we could get Kenny to do things by giving commands over the speaker. We didn't think we had time to destroy the machine so we got out and told the police. We decided to give an anonymous tip. Nothing came of it. We think the police must've been hypnotized or didn't take the call seriously. So it was up to us. The Teachers and police were also suspicious thanks to one student getting out. The police did capture him. When they raided the area. I heard Cartman even won the Cheesy Poofs ad.
-Kyle's Diary.
We set up a clubhouse and started playing true for dare with Wendy and Bebe. Bebe developed a crush on Kyle. Cartman and Kenny built their own. He actually managed to get girls to hang out with him. I did try to get Wendy to kiss me during truth and Dare but it didn't work. Mostly we just sat around and watch the Fat Abott Show. Ok I was dared to shove a stick up my ass one time, but that was it.
-Stan's Diary
"The Cow Days " Festival was in full swing. We tried winning a pair of Terrance and Phillip dolls. They were expensive. We entered Cartman in a bull riding contest to get 5,000$ but he fell off and hit his head. He got amnesia, but unlike what they tell you in movies, Amnesia wears off pretty quickly and he'd be fine, but there went our chances. We did but the dolls but they were cheap ripoffs.
-Kyle's Diary.
Chef discovered that Alanis Morissette's new Hit song Sticky Britches was plagiarized from a song he wrote years ago. He contacted the record studio asking just to be credited as the composer, but they refused and took him to court. Chef got a lawyer, but the record studio got Johnnie Cochran, the man who got OJ of the hook. He'd also recently defended a molestation charge one of the children who played the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi had filed suit against Peter Mayhew, claiming that he was molested by Mayhew while he was in the Chewbacca costume. Cochran proved him innocent. The rival Lawyer claimed that Cochran was just distracting the jury with nonsense and tangents, with Cochran even referring to the defendant and the prosecutor by their characters and asking "Why would Chewbacca want to molest an Ewok? Princess Leia is right there" , which became known as "The Chewbacca Defense" after the case, mostly by the media.
Naturally Cochran seemed to have this in the bag and Chef had to pay a huge fee in 24 hours or face incarceration. We tried to get other artists to support Chef. Heck Alanis Morrisette came on record and said she was given the song. In the end we only had to change one person's mind: Cochran. He switched sides on us and agreed to defend Chef. Chef got his name on the Album after all.
-Stan's Diary
Cartman skipped class. Though he didn't tell us that. So most of us were confused when he showed up. He was acting strange, said his mother had the flu and he was taking care of her. It didn't sound like Cartman. My Aunt Flo was visiting. She brought me a goldfish. I could tell immediately that there was something weird about it. It seemed to just stare at me. The next day the same old Cartman arrived. We were a bit suspicious. That night it was stormy. We decided to come together and figure something out. Cartman arrived….and then so did Cartman. We started to talk to both. It was clear from personality who was who, so we asked the nicer Cartman to invert his clothes so we could tell the difference. We asked him and he said that he was a refugee. He was fleeing his world and was actively trying to avoid meeting his other self. We asked the good Cartman to take us to where the portal was, though he seemed scared to do so. When I saw it was in a petshop, I asked to go and get my fish. I thought there was something wrong with it, sure enough the Pet Shops was…strange. There was a man there but he was acting shifty. We pushed through him. In the back there was a portal. I decided to leave the fish here. We'd get the police. This was too big for us. We'd find out later that the man at the Pet Shop desk had been murdered. Some eye witnesses says they saw kids that looked like me and Kyle but with guns. We learned about that when the police came to talk to us. The good Cartman hid. Once they took us in for questioning he panicked and told our Cartman and Kenny that his world's Kyle and Stan likely followed him and were trying to kill him.
So how'd we get free. Well there was chaos in the streets. The Pet Shop was full of feral looking animals and they'd been unleashed. We got out when the police car had to stop. They hadn't handcuffed us since we were kids. There we saw them. Well. US. Other Us. They had these guns that…we thought…vaporized things. They were wielding it and shooting it at civilians. They were also wearing strange clothes, like child sized Nazi uniforms. Kyle and the two Cartmans came running. The Good Cartman explained to us that the weapons were made by some mad scientist named . The guns weren't killing anyone. They were sending whoever they hit back to their universe. I was worried about what they were doing if they were shooting random people with them. An idea came into my head. I saw them separate. Kyle and I overpowered their Stan while he was alone. I put on his outfit. This would let me get close to their Kyle. Close enough to shoot him when he wasn't looking. At least that was the plan. When I looked over I saw Kyle holding a gun to the two Cartmans. I may have been mixed on my universe's but I didn't want anyone. He seemed to be trying to guess which one was the right one. I had two thoughts in one second. The first was…"Really…we're doing this whole thing…" and the second was why did evil Kyle stop when he had been shooting random people before. As soon as I said that, he shot one of the Cartmans. He twisted into what looked like a blue spiral that disappeared in a second. I could have sworn I heard "nooo….Screw you Kyle." But it was so faint it might've been my imagination. All this happened in the split second before I fired the gun at Mirror Kyle and he vanished. There was a moment where we all stood there. Cartman said he was…well ours. He'd pretended to be the other one on a whim and it had worked. Good Cartman had swapped his Jacket out the other way. I guess he was hoping to trick them.
After that we had a lot of questions for the FBI when they showed up. I had to hand over my gun. Kyle and I…We wanted to look for the Good Cartman. Now there were army men surrounding that one little Pet Shop in the town of South Park.
-Stan's Diary
It was Christmas 1998. I asked to go stay with Cartman's family in Nebraska. Usually they'd say no but with the army surrounding the town, they decided getting away was a good idea. Kyle and Kenny were allowed to come along too. Cartman's family wasn't so bad but some were a lot like him. I heard about his Uncle Howard, who was missing after escaping while in route to a prison in 1997. That night all of us were waken up by Uncle Howard breaking in for the Holidays, and another escaped Prisoner….Charles Manson.
Yup. Now I was a kid so it hadn't been explained to me who the guy was, but he was creepy. He had a swastika tattoo in his forehead so that's a pretty big red flag and this strange deep voice. We tried to shrug it off by going to the Mall. Kyle exposed the Mall Santa there as a fake by yanking his bead. Thing is there were all these cops around and there was a report that they were looking for Charles Manson and an accomplice. Howard Cartman in the area. The adults had just dropped us off and either didn't believe us when we told them he was hiding or didn't care. So we just told the cops a serial killer was sitting at home watching It's a Wonderful Life and How the Grinch Stole Christmas and talking about being Jesus. Which is insane. I've met Jesus. Soon the house was being SWATed by police on the news. A shoot out occurred. Uncle Howard was captured and Charles Manson attacked a SWAT officer. He got a bullet to the Swastika.
That night I felt like I was seeing more than any kid should have.I'd been so excited for the trip and now I wish I'd never gone. Our parents drove all the way out there and picked us up. I don't know why I did it, even now, but before I went to bed, blowing out the candle on Christmas. After everything I said out loud.
"Merry Christmas, Charles Manson."
-Stan's Diary
When had to stay at Tweek's house some time later. He was also traveling for the holidays. Tweek's parents owned a coffee shop called Tweek's Coffee, which competed with Harbucks. Which explained why he was so jittery. Tweek told us that gnomes were stealing his underpants. We guessed stranger things had happened so we stayed up at the time he said they came. Sure enough he was right. The Gnomes made a run for it but we followed them out to the woods. With nowhere to run and not willing to abandon their home, the Gnomes stopped an we started talking. The Gnomes weren't sure how they got to South Park but immediately came up with a rather flawed plan.
Step 1: collect Underwear.
Step 2: ?
Step 3: Profit.
The Gnomes thought they could sell the underwear but they realized with how they looked that would be difficult. We talked with them and reached a deal. No more underwear. Instead they would make coffee for Tweak's father. Step 1 Coffee Step 2: Sell Coffee. Step 3: Profit. So long as they kept hidden in the shop, which didn't last long as one of them was stupid enough to walk out to ask the boss something, causing lots of screaming and the army, already in town to take them. It did rank up costs for Tweek's Coffee though.
-Kyle's Diary.
We were all back together again, going outside to play after watching Steve Irwin on TV. We were out climbing in the woods on a big hill when moss broke from under Kyle's feet and he fell down into a dark cavern. Inside we found a frozen body. We'd had a lot of weird things happen to us so We did a Stand By Me and placed an anonymous phone call. They took the man out and recognized him. He was dead of course nut took some DNA, hoping to clone him, and also identified him as having been frozen for 32 months, since 1996. The FBI looked into him. I heard his name was Larry. He had a wife that had remarried and had two children[1].
Note
[1] The actual episode had the man found be still alive and treated as a prehistoric Ice Man despite being frozen in 1996 and talking plain english. Here he has realistically died from being frozen. This episode also had Steve Irwin die from being decapitated by helicopter blades. Somewhat contradicting later in the series where they reference Steve Irwin's then recent death and reveal it happened the same way. Butterflies prevent the first death from occurring as he died in pursuit of the "Prehistoric Ice Man".
