I still can't believe what Bruce did. Another Robin is… wrong. In all senses. I'm watching Jason break everything, and it's been a few minutes, the alarm started going off and it's deafening. A part of me wants to stop him, but I know if he doesn't get this out of the system he won't settle down, so all I can do is wait.
Alfred goes down the stairs and appears at the entrance, with a shotgun in his hand and a worried expression, mass, as soon as he sees that Jason is responsible for the chaos he just sighs with relief and turns off the alarm.
He walks towards me (still holding the gun) and from the look in his eyes I think he already understands what happened.
"I presume Mr. Todd has met the newest member of the family," Alfred says, in his usual formal tone.
We both watch Jason destroy the booths where we keep the old uniforms, he's focusing especially on Robin's, while cursing a myriad of curse words.
"Unfortunately." I shrug and end up wincing at the pain of the wound. "Alfred, do you mind taking care of this here?" I turn, showing the knife embedded near my shoulder blades.
"You're careless, Master Dick." Alfred shakes his head.
"It's his fault, he distracted me in the middle of the fight." I point to Jason.
"I think we'd better go upstairs and take care of this."
"Aren't you going to complain about the destruction or try to stop it?" I arch my eyebrows in disbelief.
"Certainly not. Considering his background, let's hope he just wants to destroy objects." Alfred starts walking and I follow him.
I look at Jason one last time and all I can think about is how much pressure he's putting on the wound, by which time the stitches have long since broken. What do I do with him?
...
I keep breaking everything as long as my arms will allow. Pleasure is good, but it doesn't make the pain go away. And I don't think anything will ever be enough to get rid of her. I wanted so much to stay dead... it would be so much easier.
I scream, until I lose my voice, how much I hate Bruce, how much I want to tell him to fuck off, how wrong it is for him to drag another kid into this. And mostly how much I miss him.
I know, it's pathetic. I should want to stay away and never think about him again, but I can't.
I wonder if things would have been different if he had arrived in time to save me. Would we get along today? Or would my personality screw it up anyway? I will never know. I need to accept this. Things are as they are and will not change.
I lay on the ground, exhausted. Tears finally start streaming down my face and I must pull the mask off before it sticks to my face.
"Was I so insignificant?" I ask out loud, even though there's no one here to answer.
I finally let out all the pain I was trying to hide with alcohol. I have never felt so miserable as I do now. I end up losing track of time, I no longer feel any pain, I think my body has become numb, or is in denial.
At some point I know Dick has come for me, because now I'm staring at the kitchen ceiling while Alfred tends to my wound.
"Jason? Are you listening to me?" Dick calls, and I think it's not the first time, but I don't have the strength to answer.
"I think it's best to let him rest." He's going to need it, considering how much he forced the wound. Alfred advises, before the two leave.
Rest? This is not what I need. What I really want is to die. But if I do that, I won't be able to rub Bruce in the face for what he put me through. No, I don't think he would even notice since I've been falling apart in Gotham for a few years now and he's never even shown that he cares.
I want to make him suffer, at least a part of what I suffered. But how? I'm not in the mood for another journey through Gotham's underworld just to get to him. I don't even have the strength for something like that.
And... would it really be worth it? What's the use? In the end, I end up suffering the most. What a pain... I don't know what else to do.
All I have right now is Dick, there's nothing I can do to make him give up on me. I'm sure if I'm alone now, at best I'll put a bullet in my head. Ra's, why did you have to throw me down that pit?
...
Alfred and I went back to the cave to take stock of the damage and, holy shit, for someone injured, Jason managed to get over it.
We started cleaning up, first the shards of glass — which are literally everywhere — and the unusable pieces of destroyed equipment.
The Batwing appears at the entrance not long after. As soon as I land, I see Bruce coming down and it takes only a moment for his gaze to realize what happened here. He takes off his mask and I see a very rare expression on his face: anger.
"Where's Jason?" he asks, as he approaches.
"You're not going to talk to him," I say, in the same authoritative tone he usually uses, and I manage to get a surprised expression out of him. Point for me! "It's no use looking at me with that face. I think you and Jason must cool off and talk later."
"I think that would be the best thing to do, Master Wayne." Alfred agrees. "Mr. Todd needs to rest, and I think it would be good to give him time to process the fact that young Tim is Robin now."
"So that's your name," I say, looking at Tim who's been huddled behind Bruce this whole time. "I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances."
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Grayson!" He extends his hand for a greeting, and I respond at the same time, he seems to be a nice boy. "I've heard a lot about you, and you look even more impressive in person!"
Tim has an admiring look, unlike Jason, on our first date.
"I just do what I can..." I even blush at the comment.
"You're going to explain the situation now." Bruce interrupts us.
I roll my eyes, not even with the Batcave all destroyed, Jason and I injured and what happened in the warehouse Bruce loses his cool demeanor.
It pisses me off in a way I can't even describe. Because if he could have a real conversation with one of our dysfunctional family members, maybe, just maybe, we'd have some chance of fixing it.
I take a few minutes to recount what happened in the last twenty-four hours, leaving out the parts where Jason and I had sex. Honestly, I have no idea how Bruce would react if he knew.
"Leave this case. We are taking care of it." is all Bruce replies.
"I tell you Jason almost died and that's it. He's all fucked up in the head because of you and you don't even care?" I simply cannot understand how one day I managed to admire him as a hero and as a person, he is not an example in either case. "How dare you bring another Robin into this life after what happened to him? Nothing personal, Tim. But I think you should get out of this while you still can."
"Tim being the new Robin is none of your business, Dick," he replies listlessly. "You've already made it clear that you wanted no part of this."
"No need to worry, Mr. Grayson." Tim says shyly. "I knew everything before I decided to be Robin! I'm not careless either and always follow orders."
"That didn't end well for me," Jason draws the attention of all of us as he appears at the entrance to the cave.
I don't know how he got down, how much he heard or what he intends to do, but his expression worries me, it's worse than last night.
"Jason! Do you have any idea how much it will cost to replace the equipment you broke?" Bruce asks, with his eyes closed and that makes Jason smile.
"Send me the bill." He shrugs, pretending not to care. "You know, new Robin, Bruce is very fond of young boys. I remember very well how he told me I was a good boy, how he rubbed his hand on me and how he rewarded me for good work... good times..."
Okay, I think Jason got heavy on the act. And, by Tim's face, I think he believed it. He then looks at Bruce, but without the courage to ask for an answer.
"Careful, Jason. You are crossing the limits of my tolerance." Bruce steps forward, his gaze intense, ready to punch Jason in the face if need be.
"Oh, but if I were you, I wouldn't even waste my time!" Jason continues to tease, blatantly. "Batman fucks well, but Nightwing over there, fucks much better! There's no comparison!"
Okay, I don't like hearing that thrown into the conversation suddenly, much less my face turning red, but I don't know if Bruce took it seriously since he still hasn't done anything but growl.
"Tim, go upstairs," he orders. "Go to your room and rest."
The new Robin doesn't question it, I see him running, taking care to step away from Jason, he seems to fear him, or disgusted, maybe both.
"That's right! It's time for the kids to sleep!" Jason yells as Tim heads upstairs.
"How long are you going to let yourself be carried away by your emotions, Jason?" Bruce asks, as if having feelings is a weakness, a flaw, or something unforgivable. "Don't you get tired of wanting to draw attention to yourself? Now you want to involve Dick in one more of your plots to piss me off?"
Bruce remains in place, but Jason approaches, with hatred in his eyes.
"At least I have some emotion! You don't even look human! You're emptier inside than I am! And look, I died! You're a sick person who takes pleasure in dragging other people into this vigilante fantasy!" Jason points his finger closer to his face and I'm sure this isn't going to end well. "Damn! What do you think you do good?! Hit people? Taking little orphan boys to turn into soldiers? Stop someone from being murdered today only to be murdered tomorrow by one of the guys you don't have the heart to kill?! I think deep down you like this little game! It must even be in partnership with Jo..."
Jason can't finish his sentence; Bruce punches him in the chin so hard that he spins a few times before falling to the ground. He was going towards Jason, probably to hit some more, but I won't let him. This answer is ridiculous because this time I agree with everything Jason said and if he had any decency, he would apologize for the way he's been acting, with both of us.
"You can't hit him just because you didn't like hearing some truths." I don't even care about the furious expression I get, I'm tired of just putting my head down and letting things happen. "If you put even a little effort into working things out with him, if you really listened and were honest, maybe you wouldn't lose him. But you just know how to keep people away, Bruce." I pause, speaking for myself now. "I know that very well. And look, I didn't even become a criminal and yet you pushed me away."
I go to Jason and help him to get up, he refuses at first, but ends up giving in when he sees that he can't do it alone. We both stare at our distant father, showing that we are no longer the manipulable children we once were.
"We're not getting off the case. I hope you understand that you have no authority over us," I say, to end the argument.
"It's not a simple case of trafficking. Who is producing this new heroine is Poison Ivy. And I'm sure there's more to it than that." of course he would answer about work, but nothing about our feelings. "She's not one to get involved in something like that, not without good reason. I'll take care of it."
His voice normalizes, but it's too late. The damage has been done.
"You haven't been doing a good job, people are dying because of it and you know who's doing it! Why haven't you told the Commissioner yet? Or do you think keeping him in the dark will help? I ask, tired of the fact that he thinks Batman is the only one who can save the fucking city."
"I need her to lead me to whoever's behind this."
"Then it's better to do this soon, because I'm going after her tomorrow with or without the police," I assure her, even though I don't know how.
"Look, we're two rebels now! Daddy will be angry!" Jason takes me by surprise with a kiss, but instead of retreating I match the same intensity. "I'm serious, he fucks very well!" he says once we're separated and then he does something even more daring, gives Bruce the middle finger.
"What do you think you're doing?" Bruce asks, surprised in a way I've never seen before.
"It's none of your business. Goes both ways, right?" I make a point then kiss Jason again. "I'll borrow some clothes from Alfred, and we'll leave in a taxi. I don't intend to set foot in here again, Bruce. Tonight, showed me that you will never change."
He doesn't say anything, I didn't even expect him to, he's incapable of showing affection, and we walk away, not looking back. Maybe we used to be a family, but that ended long before Jason died.
Bruce will never deal with his own pain, and because of that, he will never be able to deal with ours. Staying close to him is asking to live in an endless cycle of hurt It's time to break free.
