A Swipe at Reality

AN: THANK YOU TO GIRAFFECHAN and RAP BEAR FOR STICKING WITH ME!

AN2: GREAT NEWS! After radiation treatments and scans that showed no change in my mother's brain tumor, we went to a FANTASTIC revival. Long story short, there was an alter call and prayer teams laid hands on her. She nearly fainted but stayed in a catatonic state the rest of the evening. Next morning she said she felt fine with none of her usual symptoms. Fast forward to last week and she went in for an MRI and the doctor said her tumor has SHRUNK by at least 1/3! :O He said it was impossible for it to have shrunk so much in such a little time (between scans)… but he forgot, With God, ALL things are possible!

I'm so happy!

GOD IS GREAT!

Had to share with everyone!

Now, on to the chapter!

ENJOY!

o-o

-o-

"You have you say yes," came Sideswipe's shrill voice.

He was wound pretty tight when his voice took on that tone. Whatever he wanting, he was going to continue whining until he got his way. He was annoying that way. Well, one of the ways.

The focus of his petulance entered the main control room, intent on finding Prowl to deliver a datapad, and hopefully find a way to distract his annoying carmine shadow. Prime handed a curious Prowl the datapad and spun on his pede, nearly knocking Sideswipe over, but the Lamborghini wasn't to be deterred.

"Please? Pretty please?" Sideswipe begged.

"No," came Prime's flat response.

"It's not like we have any major secrets anyway!" Sideswipe countered. "Do you honestly think the Cons could gather any important intel from it? They already know! Have known for eons!"

"I said no," Prime said, unperturbed though those around them were becoming more and more curious. Something had the resident rascal riled up and strangely enough, Prime was his target. It was rare Optimus was targeted for one of Sideswipe's pranks or crazy schemes. Or his whining.

Red Alert and Inferno entered the command hub from the opposite side, Red Alert having been privy to part of the conversation thanks to his security cameras. Sideswipe happened to notice the pair and pointed at them.

"You don't think anyone who has ever met this crew know we're all a bunch of mental cases? You think it's a shock when humans realize our chief of security is a paranoid schizoid?"

Red Alert gaped, ashamed and startled.

"Or Inferno is a serial arsonist?" Sideswipe added.

Inferno blushed brighter than a chemical fire. He wondered how Sideswipe found out about his little problem before joining the Autobots? His records were sealed. Only Optimus knew of his past. Not that it was really shameful.

So he had a slight proclivity for fire. It was a perfectly innocent love and had the fire chiefs office not burned down, no one would have known about it. As it were, Inferno had lost his rank and service record, and given the option of either incarceration or joining the Autobots.

Several sets of optics swiveled around to stare at the blushing fire truck, including Red Alert. It was probably frying the poor mech's circuits to realize his best friend all these millennia was an arsonist. Former. He was reformed.

Sideswipe blithered on, voice rising, drawing in a crowd.

"Ratchet has anger management problems, dosing up patients with medicinal iron," the Lambo continued. "The Dinobots are equivalent to sparklings, making them grossly incompetent."

Several Autobots smiled sweetly toward the hall that led into the Dinobot's cave. Sideswipe was right in that regard. They were but children. In many aspects.

"Blaster's afraid of the dark," Sideswipe put in, much to the tape decks utter horror. "Our aerial team has a fear of heights. Slag, half the crew is afraid of clowns!"

Sideswipe let the words hang in the air as a kind of silent threat. A couple bots shuddered. Though they could step on the threat without batting an optic, they were still terrified. There was something about the greasy humans that grated circuits the wrong way.

"Hound's cortex is fragged from using pleasure gems," Sideswipe continued.

It was the Jeep's turn to blush. "Not fair, Sideswipe."

Sideswipe paused in berating Prime to stare at the Jeep. "What isn't fair?"

"Bringing up the past," Hound said, needing to put the Lambo straight. "I have worked hard to overcome my addiction. It wasn't easy, but I conquered it. I would rather enjoy the beauty of nature than see it destroyed to harvest the minerals needed to make the gems. That part of my life is over. It needs to stay buried, not brought up in idle conversation to use as sway in your argument."

Sideswipe gaped for a moment, totally taken aback.

"Sorry," he muttered.

His remorse didn't last long. Prime headed to the door, causing Sideswipe to jump into motion, shadowing the much larger mech. Curious as to what the ruby menace was up to, and Smokescreen taking bets over comms, the Autobots followed the two toward the rec room.

"And in case you've missed it, Wheeljack is a few nuts loose of a tune up, and almost every single member of this crew enjoys some form of self harming," Sideswipe added as they entered the rec room.

Sideswipe ticked off the other Autobot frailties, from Jazz's inappropriate conduct around anything of Japanese make, to Brawn's fear of human male facial hair, and added a smattering of Bumblebee's crankiness when he was unable to self service.

Prime took the argument in stride. Sideswipe was correct. The facts were well known. He collected his fuel and downed it in a few gulps, tossed the cube into the recycling bin, and headed to the door.

"Oh no you don't, you sneaky semi!" Sideswipe howled, bound and determined to change Prime's mind. "What about my pranks? And Sunny's sociopath spells? This crew is ripe with drama!"

Prime paused on the threshold of the rec room. Every single bot on base was now watching the exchange, the monitors left unattended. They were curious as to what Sideswipe was pestering the Prime for now. And why Optimus appeared so passive despite Sideswipe near spitting with passion.

Prime turned in slow motion. Bots held their breathing function, expecting the stoic leader to yell, verbally reprimand, or even smack the ruby miscreant, but to everyone's astonishment, Prime spoke.

"Strange you omitted Prowl from this particular conversation."

Sideswipe scoffed, waving his servo airily, "Cause he's the only normal one in the ranks!"

Even Prowl was stunned by such a declaration.

"He'd be great for boring moments," Sideswipe was saying. Prowl didn't rise to the bait. "But the rest of the crew is perfect! You have to see that! Come on, Prime! PLEASE?" Sideswipe performed his infamous 'hurt turbo puppy' look that usually garnered positive results. But Primes were built with sturdier stuff. "It's worth a year of free tires!"

Prime held up a servo, causing Sideswipe to fall silent in his begging. "Are you telling me you are perfectly happy allowing fifty to one hundred humans roam around the base, getting underfoot?"

Sideswipe paused. He liked the humans well enough. They were fun and entertaining and some were quite creative.

Prime added, "Following you to your quarters, watching you bathe and charge and receive medical care?"

Sideswipe scowled. He may not mind if his teammates saw his bare protoform but he'd be slagged if humans were allowed to gaze upon him in his most vulnerable state.

"Slag that!" Sideswipe snapped.

"That is essentially what you will be agreeing to if you allow a human production crew to use our base as a set," Prime clarified.

Sideswipe hissed, blanching a little. When Prime put it that way, the promise of free tires wasn't worth it!

"Yeah, maybe not a good idea to have a camera crew here 24/7," Sideswipe said, rubbing his chin. "Sorry about earlier, Prime. You're right. Allowing a reality crew to film here is a terrible idea. Stupid concept anyway."

Optimus, with the eons of wisdom and grace of the Primes of the past, gave a single nod of understanding. He knew it was a matter of time before Sideswipe realized the full depth of what he was asking for. The mech was easily distracted by frivolous things, like free tires and oil changes, without realizing the ramifications of terms of agreement.

"Always looking out for us," Sideswipe said with a grin. He gave the semi a slap on the mudflaps and waltzed off down the corridor, earlier begging long forgotten.

Optimus sighed, wondering if the Primes of old ever had to deal with a crazy subordinate with the tenacity of a rutting turbo weasel and the attention span of cyber flea?

o-o

-o-

o-o

I love the idea of Sideswipe slapping Prime on the mudflaps. Don't know why, but that mental picture makes me giggle every time.

Now that doctor appointments are slowing down, I'll have more time to write! :D Took nearly a month to get this one banged out the way I wanted. Sorry it took so long. It's going to take me some time to get back into the full swing of things with my fanfiction. :D

THANK YOU TO ALL MY FANS WHO HAVE STAYED WITH ME AND SENT MESSAGES CONCERNING THE HEALTH OF ME AND MY FAMILY! YOU ARE TRULY THE BEST!

Now, off to work on my TMNT chapters!

XOXO

PJ