I'm BACK! This is a special chapter, and one that I think will fit perfectly.
LOUD'S TRY!
EPISODE 1: Surströmming
Lincoln and friends decide to test out and enjoy(?) the worst food in the world: surströmming. Surströmming is a traditional Swedish delicacy of lightly-salted fermented herring, often packaged in small tin cans, that has become infamous across the planet for its putrid stench. How will Lincoln and his buddies handle it?
"So, are we really gonna do this?"
The camera opened up to a familiar sight; the backyard of the Loud home on Franklin Ave. Sitting in front of the camera at a folding table is Lincoln, but instead of his sisters being there with him, his group of friends have decided to make themselves known in this video. Clyde, Rusty, Liam, Zach and Stella were all sitting around a rectangular folding table, and in-between the five of them was the white-haired host of today's episode. A large painted can of some food source was near him, along with an assortment of other edibles, such as chopped onions, flat bread rolls, and some sour cream. It seemed like a simple get-together with Lincoln and his buddies.
If only the subject matter that they were about to put themselves through was a more enjoyable one, considering what the six kids were about to find out.
"Yep. It's gonna be fun." Lincoln jovially said before turning to the camera. "Hey guys, Lincoln here. And today I'm bringing you all an episode of Loud's React, featuring your's truly. And I'm not alone for this episode, as I've got my friends Clyde-"
"Hey!"
"Liam-"
"Hello!"
"Rusty-"
"Ladies..." Rusty made a kissy face. Stella rolled her eyes.
"Zach-"
"'Sup, peeps?"
"And Stella!"
"Yo."
"And today we're going to be running the gauntlet with what many consider to be one of the world's worst tasting foods of all time," Lincoln reached over to grab the red and yellow painted can over to his left, and held it up right in front of the camera lens to get a better view, "surströmming. Apparently, based on what I've read on the internet, it's some sort of really old-school Swedish delicacy that involves putting salted fish in a can and eating it. Europeans. Go figure."
The word Surströmming lay printed on the side of the can in bright red letters. The can itself was quite big, far larger than any normal canned food that Lincoln and his friends were used to. And that wasn't all, as the top and bottom of the can was bulging outwards like something was growing inside the can. It didn't help that the rest of the kids had also heard about the infamous smell of surströmming across the internet. Rusty visibly grimaced at the sight of the can. But content was content, and the kids were here to preform.
"Please tell me we're not gonna eat it raw." Rusty whined.
"Nope, I've got it all figured out! I've got some of the key ingredients needed to eat this stuff like a true Nord! It says that flat bread, a couple chopped and diced onions and some sour cream is the correct way to eat surströmming, so I got everything from the store earlier this week to prepare." Lincoln said, gesturing towards the right side of the table where the condiments sat waiting to be used.
"Sour cream? Oh sweet lord." Stella put her face in her hands and moaned.
"I'm so happy I brought a bucket right now." Clyde mumbled.
"Bro, where did you even get this stuff? Don't you have to import this all the way from Sweden?" Rusty wondered.
"Luna found this for me. She said that there's a fish market over near my dad's restaurant. Turns out they have a big selection of canned foods, and she just so happened to find this over in the overseas isle." Lincoln replied.
"Oh, that's good. Just what I wanted to hear. Now I know where to avoid going for the rest of my life."
"Not a fan of fish, Rusty?" Stella asked.
"No. I hate fish. I hate fish. They're nasty and disgusting and nothing good comes out of it."
"Well, it seems you're gonna have a lot of fun in this video."
"Oh god, look at the can! It's bulging!" Zach noticed, gently grabbing the surströmming can from Lincoln's hands. "Dude, is this gonna kill us?"
"I doubt that the taste will kill us, but I also suspect that the smell will be nothing short of putrid. I've heard stories about how horrid this stuff smells. Surströmming is made entirely from the rotting remains of salted herring that's been stuffed in a can for who-knows how long. The reason that the can is expanding is thanks to all the fermenting gasses that are trapped inside." Clyde said. The boy had pulled out his phone to read an article that described the canned food in good detail.
"Rotting fish?! There's rotting fish in there?!" Rusty exclaimed, his hands on either side of his head as his eyes went wide. "I thought it'd at least be preserved! Oh no!"
"Sweet lord, this is gonna suck." Stella groaned. She was already regretting her decision to come over to Lincoln's house and do this video.
"How are we gonna open this thing? Won't all the gases go...?" Zach wondered, imitating an explosion sound with some hand gestures.
"There might be? I really don't know." Lincoln responded.
"So the can's gonna explode when we open it." Rusty plainly said.
"No it won't, Rusty."
"Well you have fun with opening it. I'm just gonna stay here and watch the carnage."
"Now just you hold on a sec' here, Rusty! Since you're obviously the big man of this group, how about we give the viewers some entertainment? Ain't that why we're here?" Liam playfully wondered, poking his friend in the shoulder.
"Entertainment? Liam, I've heard this stuff smells like the inside of that barn of yours on a hot day. Actually, it's probably gonna be worse, because we're stuck here doing this dumb video."
"Alright then, if it's so bad, how's about you open it then?"
"Whu-? Why me?!" Rusty cried out, eyes going wide.
"C'mon Rusty, this is definitely gonna go viral! Wouldn't want all those hot chicks you're lookin' at to think you're a wimp now, would you?" Liam said, nudging his friend's shoulder. Rusty clearly saw what Liam was doing. He knew that he had an insatiable ego, and challenging him to any sort of dare would get him riled up. But this time he wasn't gonna budge.
"Liam, I don't know what planet you're from, but going viral on YouTube for opening a can of dead fish isn't gonna draw me any hot babes around here in Michigan."
"Pft, not with that kind of attitude, Rusty." Clyde laughed. "And I'm on Liam's side with this one. You've been bragging all week at school about how nothing can make you gag. Nothing like proving your worth with this stuff."
"Oh, you're all just dying, dying for me to do this, ain't ya?" Rusty narrowed his eyes as his two friends, who merely shrugged.
"A wee bit."
"C'mon Rusty, do it!" Zach cheered. "Do it! Do it!"
And soon enough the rest of the friend group began to cheer as well, pounding on the table as well.
"Do it!"
"Do it!"
"Do it!"
"Okay fine I'll open the stupid frickin' can!" Rusty threw his hands up as he finally relented. Peer pressure be damned, of course he would be the one to open the can of dead fish in front of everyone watching Lincoln's YouTube channel. The ginger snagged the can opener from Lincoln's hands and grasped the can of vile rotting fish in the other. Before he did, Rusty took one big gasp of fresh air, knowing that it could be the last one he'd have today, and crossed himself in a moment of prayer for anybody that could be listening. With that out of the way, the skater boy gently pushed the blade of the can opener against the tin.
"Plug your noses, people." Clyde said, already pinching his nostrils.
It took a couple heart-pounding moments before Rusty was finally able to pierce the hard tin, using what little might his twelve-year old arms had. The moment the tip of the can opener popped the can, all the gases that had been building up inside were finally let loose.
PPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSHH!
Poor Rusty had no time to react as a spray of dead fish juice, bile and all, hit him dead in the face.
"AAAUUUGH! It went in my mouth!" Rusty screamed in utter disgust, dive-bombing for cover and leaving his friends behind.
And then, sure enough, came the smell.
"HOLY MOTHER-!" Stella squealed in disgust, practically launching herself away from the now-penetrated can of surströmming, and she wasn't alone in her terror. Clyde had near-instantly started gagging from the stench alone, retching loudly as he tried to not puke his guts out. Lincoln and Zach were not so far off, both the redhead the white-haired lad dry-heaving from the odor as they fled the scene to put some distance between them and the can of rotting fish. Even the farmboy Liam, who had to deal with cleaning up the mucky horrors of pigsties and old barns for most of his young life, was completely blindsided by the sheer smell coming from the open can, eyes as wide as saucers. The stench was utterly overwhelming, like a punch to their defenseless faces. They had all expected it to smell bad, but not this bad.
"Oh boy, that stinks." Liam numbly noted, too surprised to say anything else. The camera could pick up the sounds of children retching and spitting around it.
"LINCOLN!" Rusty wailed some distance away behind the camera. "Lincoln! You said it wouldn't explode! It's all over m-my - UUUAAGH!"
"I'm sorry Rusty!" Lincoln shouted back.
"Oh god, that's awful!" Zach had pulled his shirt over his nose in a desperate attempt to block the smell. "That legit smells like a port-a-potty!"
Clyde retched so loudly it made an echo.
"Stella? Stella, y'all good over there? Hang on," Liam stood up from his seat and grabbed the camera and aimed it at the sole girl in the group, who was standing as far away as she could from the surströmming, "Y'all good there, Stella?"
"No, Liam! I'm not!" She yelled back. "That stuff is - UAGH! God, I can't speak it's so awful!"
[CUT]
"Liam, that-that is the worst thing I've ever smelled, and I'm being totally honest with you right now." Stella said, shaking her head at the camera in Liam's hands. The young farmer had made sure to catch her disheveled face on film. "Like, that stuff is - God, I can't even get it out of me with out - URP!" Stella gagged again, cheeks going green, and Liam couldn't help but laugh.
"Oh man y'all, this is some quality content right here!"
"Oh my god, I think Rusty's puking over there." Stella said, pointing to where she could see and hear the ginger loudly dry-heave into a bush. Liam quickly scurried over to his friend to capture the action. The camera managed to catch the sounds of Clyde and Lincoln retching in the background.
"Hold on Rusty, gotta get the money shot!"
"God, that's awful!" Rusty gagged, kneeling over a puddle of vomit.
"And you got it the worst, dude! You got bullseye'd!"
"How is that damn smell not affecting you at all?" Rusty haggardly said as he turned to face the camera. His eyes were red and watery, and there was a strand of drool dangling from his bottom lip. The poor ginger looked like he'd just finished emptying out his stomach. If one looked closely, they could see that there was a streak of pinkish-white gunk on Rusty's left cheek. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"
"I'll admit, it is kinda funny."
"Oh, piss off." Rusty groused, shoving the camera and Liam away while the farmboy laughed again.
[CUT]
"So that wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. Who's up to take the first bite?" Liam asked the group, apparently taking over the video. The group of kids had returned to the table, though it was a complete change of mood from previous. Stella, Clyde, and Zach were standing up behind Lincoln and Liam, while Rusty attempted to get the can fully open. All of them were either pinching their noses shut or covering their mouths to stop themselves from gagging or throwing up. Either way, their eyes were stuck on what other foul things were bound for them once the can was open.
"I already got my fill, thank you very much." Rusty said, pointing to where the surströmming had hit his cheek.
"I don't think I can do this video, guys." Clyde mumbled behind a closed fist.
"Bro, I'm gonna have to burn my clothes before I go home today." Zach said, taking a whiff of his shirt and grimacing.
"I'm gonna need to quarantine my backyard for the next couple days." Lincoln added on, wondering what could have possibly convinced him that this was a good idea.
"OH MY GOD LINCOLN! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!" All heads turned to the sound of Lincoln's older sister Lynn, her offended voice emerging from the side of the house. Seemed like she had just arrived to catch a whiff of the dastardly food. "Are you doing a video?!"
"Yeah, come on over Lynn! We're trying out surströmming. Want some?" Lincoln asked.
"God no! You better get Lisa to clean up that smell, bucko!" She shouted back before she entered their home with a slam. If one listened closely, they could hear her cry out from the inside. "I can still frickin' smell it!"
"Your sister's got a point, Lincoln."
"I know, Zach. I know."
"Hey, I got it open." Rusty said as he finally managed to get the lid pried off the can. With his trembling fingers, the ginger carefully plucked the lid off, and all the kids looked over to check out the reveal of what lay inside the can of surströmming; a mushy, gray slop of what was once several whole fish, now turned into little more than soup. Rusty, who had now completely run out of surprise in him, numbly nodded, "Well, I wasn't planning on eating today."
"Good golly, that's just foul." Liam noted.
"Oh my god, I thought there were gonna be a couple pieces, it's just soup!" Zach wailed, and then turned to gag as the smell came back. Without a tin cover, there was nothing to stop the fermenting puddle's stench.
Clyde retched.
Rusty spat into a bush to clear his taste buds.
Stella, in a moment of absolute bravery, grabbed one of the forks on the table and scooped out some of the gunk, just to see if there was anything remotely whole inside. Turns out there wasn't, as she discovered as what could only be described as a syrupy mix of innards and sludge stuck at the end of her utensil. In her shock she dropped the fork back into the tin, horrified at what she had just seen.
"I ain't eating that." She said, as a matter of fact. There was no way that this gunk was going in her mouth without her projectile vomiting everywhere.
"Somebody's gonna have to take a bite."
"Hey Liam? Liam? I already did, bro. Look." Rusty pointed towards the spot on his face where he got sprayed.
"Jeez Louise, Louds! Did Lucy dig up another animal corpse over there?" Another voice popped up, this being Lincoln's elderly neighbor Mr. Grouse. The old man had decided to check up on what was going on with the kids next door, only to be greeted with the smell of something awful.
"Sorry Mr. Grouse, but I'm making a video!" Lincoln said back.
"Yeah, we're trying out surströmming!" Clyde added.
"Surströmming? Whew, I knew I recognized that rotten smell! Why heck, I haven't had surströmming since before my time in the war!" Mr. Grouse sounded pleasantly surprised when he heard that the group was attempting to eat raw surströmming. More so, it was stunning to the kids that Lincoln's neighbor not only knew of this foul dish, but he had eaten it as well.
"You've eaten this?" Lincoln pointed at the open can.
"Oh, plenty!"
[CUT]
"Now back when I was a hot-blooded teen, I didn't have the fancy fast-food places that're out now, so we had to make do with some rather lousy stuff." Mr. Grouse explained to Lincoln and his friends. Liam had set up the camera to get a better shot as the elderly man had come on over to examine what the kids had made, and so far he was moderately impressed with how authentic they wanted to be, "During my overseas tour, my buddies and I had to dine on fish pretty much every night. One smart aleck thought it'd be funny to whip this gunk out. Believe me, the captain was not pleased when we came back."
"Did you really have to eat this stuff?" Zach asked, pointing at the can of slop.
"We didn't have much else to eat then, boy. It was either that or go hungry. You learn to muscle through your taste buds once your stomach starts doing the thinking for you." Mr. Grouse replied.
"Sounds like fun."
"Yeah, it really was. So, lemme take a look at what you've got here. I see you've got your onions, flat bread, and even some sour cream! Wonderful. Now let me show you how it's done." Mr. Grouse first grabbed one of the Swedish flat bread rolls and began to spread out the onions and then the sour cream. "What we learned back in the navy is that you can use sour cream to mask the stench of the surströmming."
"Did it work?" Rusty plainly asked.
"Eh, sometimes. Let's just hope it does now." The elderly man said back. He scooped out a small amount of the final ingredient, the surströmming, onto the sour cream and began to spread it around, mixing the fish with the sour cream. "Goodness. That's as pungent as I remember it."
Stella and Clyde had to turn away from the sight of sour cream getting strewn together with rotting fish.
Seeing as his meal was complete, Mr. Grouse wrapped up the flat bread and took a bite.
"Oh god," Zach gagged, covering his eyes.
"How is he not puking?" Liam wondered.
"Must be an age thing." Rusty mumbled.
It seemed that Mr. Grouse either had an iron stomach, or he really did enjoy eating rotting herring. Either way, after a couple silent moments of chewing, he swallowed. All of kids were astounded by what they had just witnessed. Mr. Grouse gave a satisfied pat on his belly after taking his first munch.
"Ah. Tastes just like how I remembered it. Here, one of you try." He said, handing out the wrap in front of the kids. All six of them shared an uncomfortable look between themselves.
"Not it!" Rusty shouted, putting a finger on his nose. They all frantically did the same, but they all saw that it was Clyde that put his hand up last. Lincoln let out a sigh of relief that he wasn't the one being forced to eat surströmming this afternoon in his own backyard.
"DANG IT! NOOOOO-ho-hoooo!" Clyde wailed, slamming his face on the table.
"Aw yeah! So much for not having that kind of attitude, eh Clyde?" Rusty barbed at his friend, nudging him with an elbow.
"Oh, that sucks hard, Clyde. Have fun." Zach said.
"Well McBride, seems your friends have spoken. Eat up." Mr. Grouse was at least courteous enough to put the wrap on a paper plate before passing it over to Clyde. The poor kid had no other choice but to obey the unspoken rules and, with a heavy and remorseful hand, took the fish-filled wrap in his hands. Thankfully for Clyde, Mr. Grouse had not used too much surströmming, but a small chunk fell out from the back end of the sandwich, causing Clyde's cheeks to go green as he let out another heinous gag.
"C'mon Clyde, like how Mr. Grouse said! You just gotta muscle through it!" Stella encouragingly said.
"Oh, he's definitely gonna puke." Rusty laughed, enjoying the spectacle.
Clyde took one more nervous gulp, bracing himself for the inevitable, and then slowly put the wrap in his mouth and bit down. It took about as fast as one could blink before the taste of the surströmming hit Clyde's tongue, and the boy felt his eyes water as he fought against the urge to vomit with everything he could. Every single chew only brought out more of the dead fish flavor.
"It's that bad, isn't it?" Zach said.
"Yeah Clyde! My man!" Liam shouted, patting Clyde on the back.
"How's it taste?" Stella asked.
After what felt like millennia, Clyde finally stopped chewing and swallowed the bite of surströmming sandwich. He took a breath of fresh air before grabbing a nearby class of water and chugged the whole thing down before speaking.
"Okay," he gasped, "that was nowhere near as bad as it smelled."
"Really?" Lincoln wondered.
"It was super, super briny. Like all I could taste was salt and fish and onion." Clyde said to his friend, who turned his head away.
"Oh god Clyde, hate to break it to you, but your breath is - URP!" Lincoln gagged, the stench of fish, onion and sour cream hitting him like a runaway truck.
Clyde breathed into his hand and smelled, and also gagged.
"Well, I guess that settles it. See you kids later! I'm gonna take a shower." Mr. Grouse said his farewells and went back to his house.
"I think I need a shower." Liam muttered.
"I think we all need one after today, Liam." Stella whined, taking a whiff of her clothes. "And some bleach for my shirt, too. God, I knew I shouldn't have worn this today!"
"My folks are gonna think I've been playing in the sewers once I get home." Zach mirthfully said. He couldn't help but laugh at everything that happened so far. Between the horrid smell, Mr. Grouse eating dead fish in a sandwich in front of them, and Clyde being the one in the friend group to eat the stuff as well, it was an exciting afternoon. Plus, lots of fun content for Lincoln's channel featuring themselves. A big win for Zach and his buddies.
"At least you didn't have to eat the darn stuff," Rusty said, "I mean, I'd probably freak the heck out if I had to eat rotting, soupy fish that looked like the inside of my nose during allergy season-"
"BLLUUUURRK!"
"AW CLYDE, NO!"
Thanks to Rusty's rather graphic statement, coupled with the taste lingering in his mouth, poor Clyde just couldn't keep the surströmming inside him. The unfortunate boy had upchucked with quite a bit of force right in front of the camera on to the table, sending the rest of the kids scattering for safety. Once again the sounds of children gagging and heaving filled the air.
"Oh, that stinks!"
"Dammit Clyde, it went on my arm!"
"HAHAHA! I knew it! I knew he'd puke! There's your money shot, Liam!"
"I need to call my parents." Clyde whimpered, holding on to his aching stomach before hobbling away to scrounge what dignity he had left.
"Okay, okay I think we're done for today." Lincoln said, completely finished with the video. The boy grabbed the camera and turned the lenses towards him. "I hope you all enjoyed this... whatever the heck this is called, I don't care. See you all later."
Lincoln fumbled for the record button for a few frustrated moments.
"Dangit Clyde, it got on the camera!"
[End]
Hey y'all, back at it again with the gaming fic! I hope you enjoy this goofy chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. I was watching a couple videos on people trying to eat surströmming and I thought it would be hilarious to write out a chapter for this story like that. Please leave a review, and maybe a suggestion for what the kids should do next!
