Midnights
A/N: This album did NOT disappoint. I've been so excited to write these, though, number #15 is really sad. Trigger warning for anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss. If you have, my heart goes out to you. I understand that pain all too well. 3 Otherwise, I hope you enjoy, and I'd love to know your favorites!
(And there are some M ratings here folks! Just FYI!)
#1 - Lavender Haze
Staring at the ceiling with you
Oh, you don't ever say too much
And you don't really read into my melancholia
Juliet's heart was racing; she still felt the electricity running gloriously across her nerves. She rolled off James and laid on her back, trying to gather her wits. She hadn't meant to fall back into bed with him. It just… happened.
"That was the last time," she sighed, and turned her head slightly to the side to be able to look at him. He said nothing, just stared off into space.
They laid on their backs in companionable silence, sweat drying on their skin. James was so still beside her, she wondered if he'd fallen asleep. When she turned to check, she saw his face furrowed in consternation.
He noticed her staring. He wasn't sure how to say what he wanted to say. When he was with Juliet… he didn't feel so alone. Despite his initial dislike of her, he couldn't deny how good they were together. The sex - it was unbelievable. It wasn't clumsy or awkward like he thought it might be. It was… well, it was kind of perfect.
It had caught him by surprise, the first time she'd jumped him two weeks ago. They'd now had sex four times, and each time Juliet said it would be the last time. But still, she was always the one who sought him out, not the other way around.
He wondered if maybe she felt just as lonely as he did, stranded where they didn't belong.
"Okay. Last time," he agreed with a sigh. Somehow, he knew deep down it wouldn't really be the last.
#2 - Maroon
Laughing with my feet in your lap like you were my closest friend
How'd we end up on the floor anyway?
You say, "Your roommate's cheap-ass screw-top rosé, that's how"
"Heeere's to… wait, what am I cheersing to again?" Miles mumbled, and lowered his wine glass.
Jin giggled. It was a strange sound, and James couldn't help but grin when he heard it. "Me, dumbass. Happy damn birthday to me," he said before letting out a loud burp. This sent Jin into another fit of hysterics.
They were all in their shared living room, completely wasted. Jin was lying on the floor, holding an empty bottle of wine to his chest like it was a stuffed animal, while Miles was sitting propped up on one hand while he held his glass in the other. James was on his back on the floor with his knees bent and his calves on the couch, next to where Juliet sat cross legged with her eyes closed and head tilted back, wearing a dreamy smile.
"Oh. Right. Happy, I dunno, like fifth birthday or some shit dude."
James laughed, loud and uninhibited. "I'm six, ya moron!" This made Juliet lose it. She started laughing so hard, she started snorting.
"Whatever, man. How many times I gotta say it?"
"Thanks, Enos. And thanks for gettin' us this godawful wine. I'm feelin' groooovy."
Juliet snorted again, followed shortly by Jin, who started singing 'Happy Birthday' in Korean. When he was done, Miles wiped his eyes from crying-laughing and stood, albeit slowly and carefully. He announced that he was going to bed before he passed out, and it wasn't long before Jin followed, grabbing a bucket on his way to his room.
James was almost asleep when he suddenly felt Juliet's hands on his legs. "Your legs are hairy," she commented airily, followed by stifled giggles. "And your toes. They're hairy too." She started snorting again.
"Leave my feet alone!" James called up to her, lifting his head to criticize the way she was examining them.
He laid his head back down, and then a sudden screech rocketed out of him. Juliet had started tickling his feet, and he pulled them back out of her grasp. He hadn't realized she was still holding on though, and she fell on top of him with an 'oomph.'
"Ahhh, fuuuck," he groaned as her weight pressed down on his stomach, and then they both erupted into uncontrollable laughter. It lasted longer than either expected, and when it died down, they were both left wondering why Juliet hadn't yet moved.
Coming to her senses, she tried to roll off of him, but James swallowed and wrapped his arms around her, keeping her from moving. She raised her head, looked him in the eyes, and saw clarity there. She smiled, and gingerly resumed her spot with her head on his chest and her body lying across his.
That's how Miles and Jin found them the next morning. It didn't come as a surprise to either of them.
#3 - Anti-Hero
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
And life will lose all its meaning
Juliet slept fitfully, to say the least. Jack and Kate… they were back now. And she'd delivered a baby on the island. And that meant everything had changed.
James had still been awake when she'd finally gone to bed. They hadn't talked much, not after Jack left. She hadn't exactly been tired, though she should have been. It had been more out of boredom than anything else.
She hadn't felt James slip into bed, but he must have at some point. Her dreams were ever-changing, full of screaming and pain and darkness, and the only thing she remembered when she woke up was being cold and alone.
She woke up convulsing and gasping for air as her body regained feeling. She blinked rapidly in the darkness of their bedroom, and in the process a few warm tears trickled down her face. It was just a dream, it was just a dream, she repeated to herself over and over, trying to self-soothe.
James's hot hand slid up the back of her t-shirt. He moved halfway up her spine, and then slid back down again. "You okay?" he mumbled, still half-asleep. He must have felt her stirring.
"I - I think so," she responded, and hated the way her voice sounded. Even she could hear plainly that she was in fact not okay.
Even in sleep, James must have caught on. He sat up, wearing just his boxers under the covers, and pulled her body against his in a tight hug. "Hey, s'okay," he murmured into her hair, and despite herself Juliet clung to him. She grasped his arm like her life depended on it, and let out another shaky breath.
For a moment he just held her, as she closed her eyes and breathed him in. His warm body was solid against hers, and his skin was silky soft. He smelled like him, which always worked wonders in calming her down.
After a few minutes, Juliet knew what she needed. She turned her face towards his and saw he was already watching her, transfixed. "Promise you'll never leave me?" she whispered, and watched as his face crumpled in concern.
"I promise," he assured her, unwavering in his commitment. It made her feel better. She knew James would never have answered that way if he hadn't meant it. He smiled down at her, and placed a kiss atop her forehead. "It's all gonna be okay. I know you're scared. I am too. But I got this, okay? And I got you."
Juliet nodded, and twisted her body until she was facing him. She pushed lightly on his shoulders until his back was against the headboard and she straddled his lap. If James was surprised by this turn of events, he didn't show it.
This was just how they communicated, and they both knew that. Words often never really fully conveyed what they intended, and most of their fights resulted from simple miscommunication. But this? Touch and intimacy - this never failed to remind Juliet of how much he loved her.
Through the thin fabric of her underwear, she felt him harden. His hands slid up her back against her bare skin, and she shivered. When she pressed her lips to his, he accepted them greedily. She ran her fingers through his bedhead and pressed herself closer. She ground herself against him, and shivered as pleasure rippled through her body. His groan only spurred her on - this was going to be quick for them both, it seemed.
He removed his hands from her long enough to tug his boxers down below his knees. Juliet maneuvered her legs so she could remove her own underwear, tossing them to the floor. She didn't even need him to touch her, to get her ready. She slid onto him with ease, and they both moaned as she stretched around him. They sat that way for a moment, savoring the connection. He scratched her back, and she sucked on his earlobe before planting hot kisses down his neck.
When she started to move, James sucked in a quick breath and clenched her ass in his hands. She rode him, fast and hard. He whispered he loved her, and told her how sexy she was. She whined and shook as she tumbled into oblivion, and even then she kept moving long enough to bring him there with her.
By the time it was over, she was sweating and euphoric, and she could hardly remember what she'd even dreamed about. He was the lidocaine for her burns, and she finally felt content enough to go back to sleep.
She slid off him, not caring about the sticky pool between her legs. She'd clean up in the morning. For now, she was so, so tired, and she cuddled up against James's side before closing her eyes once more.
He pulled her close and placed feather-light kisses against her face. "I love you so much, you know that?" he whispered, and Juliet smiled.
"I love you, too," she replied lazily, and she was certain she'd never loved anyone the way she loved him.
#4 - Snow on the Beach
Are we falling like snow at the beach?
Weird but fucking beautiful
Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful
You wanting me tonight feels impossible
It had been two months of working six days a week - five for the Dharma Initiative and one day scouting the island for any signs of their people - and they were exhausted. It was James's idea to camp out at the beach. Not their beach, of course. That was too far. But there was one on the far Eastern tip of the island that was only a couple hours hike away.
Jin, Miles, James, and Juliet spent the day together laughing, swimming, and napping in the sun. They tossed a football for a while, before Jin left to catch their dinner. It was exactly what they'd all needed, and by the time night fell, they were worn out in a completely different, happier way.
Jin and Miles fell asleep first, their sleeping bags scattered across the beach. Juliet could hear Jin's snoring echoing over the sounds of the crashing waves. She wasn't quite ready to go to sleep yet, though, and decided to take a walk, to clear her head.
She didn't make it far before James caught up to her. "Wait up!" he called, and jogged until he was beside her. Juliet turned, surprised. She hadn't expected him to follow her. "Shouldn't be out here all by yourself, ya know," he teased, and flashed her a dimpled grin.
Juliet rolled her eyes and kept walking. "I'm an adult, James. I've been on my own for a long time. I think I can manage."
"Sure, anywhere else. But here? There's all kindsa things that go bump in the night here, Blondie."
Juliet found a place to sit close to the water's edge. She crossed her legs and looked up at him with one raised eyebrow. "And you're supposed to protect me from them? Wow, what ever would I do without you?" she sighed sarcastically, playing the part of damsel in distress. If he could tease, so could she. James chuckled before sitting beside her with his knees up, forearms resting on them.
"Hey, you can never be too careful. Wouldn't want anything happenin' to ya, would we?"
Juliet smirked. "I wasn't aware you cared that much." It felt unfair to say, but it wasn't like they'd really bonded much these last couple months. Their schedules were eat, work, sleep, and search the jungle alone. On her one day off, she liked to read in bed. They lived in the same house, but weren't necessarily traveling in the same orbit.
James seemed to take offense, and scoffed before using a twig to draw in the sand. "I care, Juliet," he said softly, and all pretense of joking around with her was gone. She eyed him closely, but he wouldn't look at her.
"I'm sorry, I just… I didn't think you actually saw me as a friend, is all," she admitted. And it was the truth. Other than asking her to stay, he'd never actually talked to her enough to try to get to know her. It felt like he was the main act and she was the stage crew - she did as he said when they needed to lie about their identities, but other than that, she just tried to stay out of his way.
Finally, James looked up from his drawing and put his legs flat on the sand. "You don't think you're my friend?" he asked, and on her way to look up at him to apologize, she happened to notice his drawing. Only, it wasn't a drawing. It was her name.
Her voice caught in her throat. He'd written her name, in looping, careful cursive. And now he was staring at her so intently, she found she almost couldn't breathe. "I don't understand," she said softly, and gasped when he reached out to put a hand on her knee.
"Then how do I make you understand?" he asked, just as quietly. His gaze was intense, and the moonlight sparkled in his eyes. His hand traveled from her knee to her thigh, and he leaned in closer.
"I thought you were in love with Kate," Juliet questioned, astonishment coloring her cheeks.
"I was, once. But she's gone. And I don't feel the same way anymore." He said it confidently, though he made no effort to lean in further. When Juliet said nothing, he added, "I had a lot of fun with you today."
She had no idea, but he'd been working up the courage to spend more time with her for almost a month. She was gorgeous and smart and witty as hell, but he'd been too chickenshit to say something before now.
"I had fun with you, too." Juliet could hardly believe what was happening. He was clearly interested in her. Had all of that culminated today? She'd never even thought to think of him that way. He seemed off-limits, for more reasons than one. How could he ever care for her when she'd been an Other? One who'd tased him and kept him locked in a cage? Hell, she'd held a gun to Kate's head. Had he forgotten?
He seemed to be reading her mind, because he smiled sadly and said, "Neither of us are who we used to be. I won't hold it against you if you won't." It was a peace offering.
Juliet's heart was hammering, and all she could do was nod her assent. Her eyes flicked down to his lips, which looked dark and delicious in the darkness. This was insane, she thought, but just as soon as it flashed across her mind, it died out. His lips ghosted over hers, in the lightest of kisses. His hot hand tightened on her thigh, and Juliet pulled away, only to rest her forehead against his.
She was dizzy. He had quite literally stolen her breath away.
"Do you understand now?" he whispered, and his words fell upon her skin like delicate, tickling snowflakes. She grinned, nodded, and leaned in to kiss him again. She thought it would be weird, kissing him, but it wasn't. It felt… right. It felt like something she was meant to do, and would always want to do. It was completely surreal.
James felt elation burning inside his chest. She wanted him too. He'd been worried, when she didn't seem to pay much attention to him, but there was no denying it now. Not with her tender lips against his and her hand on the side of his face. She was enjoying this as much as he was.
When she pulled away a few moments later, she couldn't help but lick her lips. She let out a nervous laugh, and even James ducked his head shyly. They both knew something had changed between them. There was no going back now.
Tentatively, as if still testing the waters of whatever this was, Juliet reached for James's hand. They stared out at the ocean, fingers laced together, feeling like they were flying.
#5 - You're on Your Own, Kid
I didn't choose this town; I dream of getting out
There's just one who could make me stay all my days
His nails scratching down her bare back felt so good. Almost as good as the soft skin of his chest under her hands. But nothing - absolutely nothing - compared to the way he felt inside her. Each rise and fall of her hips sent him deeper and deeper until Juliet was crying out, overcome.
She wasn't even sure how they'd gotten here. She was supposed to leave tomorrow; her two weeks were up. But he'd looked at her, in that way he did. She'd felt something snap inside her chest, and suddenly she didn't want to leave him. His hands had burrowed into her hair, and her fingernails dug into his biceps. And before she knew it, they were naked.
It had been so long since she'd had sex, but she'd never had sex like this. Desperate, hungry - clawing and pulling and biting. She was surrounded by him, and yet it wasn't enough.
Afterwards, she could tell he wanted to ask if she was staying, but he couldn't. She could almost hear his brain whirring as he stroked her from her shoulder down to her elbow and back again. He moved her hair and kissed the back of her neck, just behind her ear. It was tender - the complete opposite of how he'd kissed her only moments before, like he'd been trying to swallow her whole.
She thought she'd throw him a bone, ease his curiosity. "I'm not leaving tomorrow," she whispered into the darkness, and she could feel his smile against her skin. He pulled her tightly against him, and buried his face in her hair.
She fell asleep, hoping and praying he didn't make her regret it.
#6 - Midnight Rain
So I peered through a window; a deep portal, time travel
All the love we unravel, and the life I gave away
Juliet washed the dishes as she watched James running around the backyard with their son. He turned three today, and despite the chill in the air, Joshua had insisted on playing outside. He was clumsy and slightly uncoordinated as he learned to kick the soccer ball, but James never scolded him. He was only three; James just wanted him to be happy and have fun.
It was 1981 and it had been almost four years since the submarine had taken them from the island. They'd settled in Ann Arbor, deciding to ride out the Dharma Initiative wave for as long as it lasted. It meant a steady paycheck, and helped fund James's stocks and sports bets. They could have left last year, but they were comfortable with their lives. As comfortable as they could be, at least. Living here alone with no one who understood their predicament was lonely and isolating at times. But at least they had each other.
Juliet thought of everyone they'd left behind. She had no way to know what happened to them. From what they'd heard from Dharma communications, several people had just vanished, never to be seen again.
She'd never admit it to James, but she wondered if that meant they'd made it back to their own time. She'd lie awake at night, wondering if this had all been a huge mistake. If allowing themselves to be transported back to the mainland had been the wrong move. Could they have made it back to 2008 too, if they'd stayed?
She heard Joshua squeal as James picked him up and dangled him upside down. He laughed so hard that even through the glass, she could see his tiny stomach squeezing. James set him back down onto the grass, and Joshua scrambled back up to his feet. He saw her watching, and waved vigorously.
It shouldn't, but it reminded her of Julian. Joshua was hers, and she'd never even met her nephew, but he had been about Joshua's size when she'd seen him on that camera feed in 2004. He'd been beautiful from what she could remember, and she knew Rachel must have been so proud. She knew she was - of the life her and James had made.
It hurt, knowing Rachel would never get to see her son, either.
James brought Joshua back inside, and she got to work making them hot chocolate. Joshua's cheeks were tinged pink and he was clearly exerted. But his giggles were infectious, and he described in great detail the game of make-believe he and daddy were playing earlier.
She listened, enraptured, as Joshua spoke, and when the milk and chocolate mixture was beginning to simmer, she poured each of them a glass. Joshua didn't even need to request whipped cream, Juliet already knew he'd want it, and she squeezed a healthy amount on top.
"Blow on it, baby. And wait a few minutes. It's going to be hot, okay?" she warned, and Joshua nodded before carefully bringing his cup to the table to drink.
Before James could grab his mug, Juliet wrapped her arms around his midsection. He sighed against her hair, and planted soft kisses on her forehead. "Somethin' on your mind, sunshine?" he asked, but Juliet didn't have the heart to explain it to him. Today was their son's birthday, and the past should stay in the past where it belonged.
"No. I just love you. And Joshua. I love our life together."
"No regrets?" he asked, and pulled away a little to look down into her face.
"None," she replied. And she meant it.
#7 - Question…?
We had one thing going on - I swear that it was something
'Cause I don't remember who I was before you
Rachel hadn't expected to ever see her sister again. They'd had a funeral and everything. And yet here she was, sitting in her living room.
With a man. A man who, apparently, loved Juliet and saved her life wherever they were before this. Her sister wouldn't be here without this man sitting on her couch in ripped blue jeans, and yet Rachel couldn't bring herself to like him.
He corrected her when she'd said chocolate chip cookies were Juliet's favorite. Apparently they were sugar cookies now. The two had shared a conspiratorial look, and Rachel had stuck the store-bought cookies back into the freezer. It happened again when they ordered pizza for dinner - they had too much to catch up on to be bothered to cook - and James had mentioned that Juliet didn't like pepperoni anymore. Rachel wasn't sure why, so she'd ordered cheese instead.
It was strange. She'd lost a sister in 2001, and gained a stranger in 2008. She didn't know who this woman was anymore, but she walked and talked and looked like Juliet. She'd changed so much in the time she'd been gone, that Rachel couldn't help but wonder how long it was going to take before she felt like she knew who Juliet was again.
She also wondered, with raging jealousy, that this man had taken Rachel's place as Juliet's favorite person. It had been just them for so long, after their parents died. And now Juliet had this guy, this cowboy, to tell all her secrets to. Rachel knew she was being ridiculous - they had a shared trauma and all that, and that was what happened when you fell in love - but it didn't matter.
She had her sister back, sure. But it would never be the same again. And though she was happy Juliet was alive and well, she realized she was still going to have to grieve all over again.
#8 - Vigilante Shit
You did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them
James felt like his heart was in pieces - jagged and razor sharp, cutting into his chest from the inside. Juliet had ended things, because she'd seen the way he'd looked at Kate.
He couldn't say he blamed her. Not really. He didn't think she'd seen him do that. He was ashamed enough, but he could live with his shame if it meant keeping Juliet by his side. They'd been together too long for him to let her go.
But he hadn't expected old feelings to come rushing back either. He truly thought Kate was gone, never to be seen again. He stopped dreaming of her freckled, mischievous face a long time ago. He'd stopped pretending he was with her when he was with Juliet. Early on in their relationship, they'd just fuck to forget it all, and it wasn't until his feelings began to deepen that Kate slipped further and further away in his mind.
How could he be so unlucky as to love two women at the same time? He knew Kate didn't love him, she never really had. And now, as Juliet challenged him and called him out on his actions, he felt he had a choice to make. He could either fight for her, and prove to her that she was wrong and he only loved her. Or… or he could back down. He could let her call the shots, and he could just go with her and Jack's plan to blow up the damn island. He'd lose them both that way. But this pain would end. (And hell, he'd probably end up losing them both anyway.) So, it seemed worth it.
He smiled sadly at Juliet as Jack dropped the bomb into the shaft. He didn't deserve either one of them, he thought, and closed his eyes. He could only pray that Jack was right.
#9 - Bejeweled
Best believe I'm still bejeweled
When I walk in the room
I can still make the whole place shimmer
Juliet couldn't believe Rachel had made her wear this dress. It was black and sleeveless with a plunging neckline she hadn't worn since before she'd married (and subsequently divorced) Ed. It hugged her curves, landing just above her knees. Though she was already tall, the strappy high heels had been a 'must,' according to her sister.
She felt like she was wearing a neon light above her head that screamed 'horny and desperate,' which was not how she wanted to present herself at this charity event at the hospital. But yet here she was, her eyes covered in smoky makeup and wearing Rachel's dress. She looked down to adjust the tight bodice, and saw more cleavage than she was comfortable with. She actually thought she might die of embarrassment.
But then there was Ed, talking with some other doctors across the room. And the moment his eyes found her, the look on his face made all the discomfort worth it. Rachel had said this was her chance at revenge, and his face said it all: it was working.
She watched Ed turn back towards his colleagues, his eyes blazing with fury. Juliet was too sober for this, so she made her way to the bar. There was no way she could stomach looking at that man without at least some alcohol in her system.
She ordered a martini and waited, fiddling with a napkin. She didn't notice the man sit two seats down from her - not til he spoke, and his deep rumbling accent caught her off guard. He ordered a beer, which she found odd. This was a fancy event, after all. It may not be her speed, but the people here had expensive tastes.
For a while they drank in relative silence, other than the music playing from the live band. Until, of course, she finished her drink and went to order another.
"Please, let me," he said, and flashed her the most gorgeous dimples she'd ever seen.
"No, that's okay. I've got it," she assured him, but he held up a hand in protest. He shook his dirty blonde hair out of his eyes and paid the bartender in cash. Apparently, it was covered. She pursed her lips together in a shy smile and thanked him.
"No problem. Seems ya need it. Ya look like someone killed your puppy."
Despite herself, Juliet laughed. "These things… they're not really my style," she said by way of explanation. He looked her up and down, his gaze hovering just a second too long on her chest.
"Seems like you fit right in to me."
She shrugged. "I kinda have to, I guess. I work here, and we were all required to come."
He narrowed his eyes. "Required? Well, that just seems silly."
"Rules are rules, I guess," she sighed, as the bartender handed her her drink. "What brings you here? I don't think I've seen you around before."
"Here for work, mainly. I work for a pharmaceutical company and my boss told me there'd be a buncha drunk doctors here." Juliet almost spit out her drink, an unexpected laugh bubbling up from deep in her chest. She appreciated his honesty.
"Well, I'd say they were right. You're definitely in the right place."
"You a doctor?" he asked, and casually, slowly, moved to the seat next to her. She noticed, but he seemed nonthreatening enough.
"I am. But I mostly work in research now. I don't treat patients anymore. So, you'll have to find someone else to poach tonight." She gave him a conspiratorial wink. "But I promise not to blow your cover."
The man grinned, ducking his eyes as if embarrassed. "Say, what's your name, Blondie?"
"Juliet," she offered, and held out a hand. "Juliet Burke."
Now it was the man's turn to almost spit out his drink. "Burke? Like, any relation to that guy Edmund Burke?"
Juliet's smile fell. It was always about Ed, even when it shouldn't be. "Yes, I suppose. I'm his ex-wife."
The man nodded, and his eyes flicked over to where Ed was pretending not to stare daggers at them. "He the jealous type?"
Juliet shrugged one shoulder and took a sip. "He doesn't like what he can't have, I guess. And he doesn't own me anymore, which means he'll never have me again." Her tone was wistful, and she hated herself for it. She didn't love him anymore, and she didn't owe him anything.
"Ya know… I know guys like him. He's real slimy, I'll bet. He's lookin' at ya like you're fresh meat."
"That's because that's all women are to him. Meat. God forbid you have a functioning brain."
The man frowned. He seemed to be thinking about something. He opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again. Finally, he sighed and said, "How's about we make a deal? You introduce me to someone tonight who ya think I can sell some stuff to, and I'll take you out on the dance floor and we make him jealous."
Juliet was stunned. She had just met this guy. He seemed kind enough, but he was definitely being forward. But… he was also incredibly attractive. And it's not like she was going home with him tonight. Perhaps a dance couldn't hurt.
She just wished dancing with her hadn't come at a price. All he'd had to do was ask.
"I… I didn't even get your name."
He seemed to consider her question, as if it were hard to answer. "James," he finally responded. "But my business associates call me Sawyer. So don't tell no one." He grinned playfully at her, and she felt more at ease. At least she knew something about him.
"Nice to meet you, James."
After finishing their drinks, James led her out to the dance floor. As expected, Ed watched them like a jungle cat. He tried to play it off, like he was mingling, but Juliet could feel his eyes on her everywhere they went.
Song after song, James spun her around, hands never leaving her side. Every so often he'd lean in, whisper something innocuous or amusing in her ear and she'd laugh. And though it all started for show, it changed throughout the evening. They spoke about books, movies, pop culture, and history. They'd take a break or two and return to the bar for another drink, completely breathless and cheeks bright pink from exertion.
Juliet couldn't deny she was having a blast with James, and when the night began to wind down and people began to leave, she realized she'd forgotten to hold up her end of the bargain. "I almost forgot!" she exclaimed, and put her hand on James's shoulder. "I need to introduce you to people!"
James grinned and took one of her hands in his. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ed begin to walk their way, and took this opportunity to do what he'd been wanting to do all evening. Slowly, he leaned in and pressed his lips to her cheek. She froze, but didn't admonish him. When he pulled back, he whispered, "No need, sunshine. I've had a really good time tonight."
When Ed finally reached them, he looked furious. He accused James of 'not belonging here,' to which James finally launched into his business spiel. Juliet pressed her knuckles to her lips to keep from smiling as James led Ed away from her. Briefly, he looked over his shoulder and gave her a full, genuine smile.
He knew where to find her. If he wanted to, he would. But for now, Juliet was ready to go home.
She just hoped James scammed Edmund blind.
#10 - Labyrinth
Uh oh, I'm falling in love
Oh no, I'm falling in love again
I thought the plane was going down
How'd you turn it right around?
James had never been the kind of man who fell in love. Until he did. Then it was like he'd been infected with a virus, one that grew and multiplied and became resistant to anything he threw at it.
Cassidy had been the first. It started slowly, so gradually he barely noticed it. But once he'd discovered it, he'd been so against the idea, he'd pushed her away, effectively severing any chance they had at having something. And then he'd gone to jail, and suddenly he didn't feel the same way anymore. Too much irreparable damage had been caused.
Then came Kate. She'd lit a fire in him he hadn't felt with Cassidy. But it took losing her to realize they'd been bad for one another. Bringing out the worst in the other in the name of passion and loneliness. It was unrequited, at least to the degree James felt it, which made him sullen and angry even before she'd left.
He was certain love was never going to happen to him. He was a piece of shit who deserved nothing better, and he'd made his peace with that.
Until Juliet.
She grew on him gradually. At first she was an enemy, then an acquaintance, then something resembling a friend. Then, one night after one too many beers, they'd fallen in bed together, both desperate to forget they were still on this fucking island.
Even with it being their first time, which was usually awkward for everyone, it hadn't been. It had been sexy and gentle and really fucking hot. He laid there beside her afterwards, holding her against his bare chest, and he realized he'd done it again. He could feel his heart slipping and sliding down to the point of no return. The smell of her, the touch of her skin, the way she said his name… it made him come undone in a way he'd never felt before.
And this time, she gave him the best of both worlds - friendship, trust, passion. She was gorgeous, and witty, and smart, and she understood him better than anyone. She was everything his previous exes couldn't give him and more, and though he should have been scared to death over this new development, he wasn't. Because when he looked into her deep blue eyes, he found he wasn't afraid of anything. She grounded him, and calmed him, and brought him a sense of peace he couldn't describe.
His heart hammered in his chest as she rubbed her hand across his belly. He could feel his body readying for round two. She looked up at him, flashing him a devious, knowing smirk. Her eyes twinkled with something James didn't understand and it was then he was certain: he'd never seen anything as beautiful as Juliet in his entire life.
He didn't care about being stranded on an island in the 70s. He didn't care that his friends had either died or escaped without him. All he could think about in this moment, was how he couldn't believe how lucky he was to have her by his side.
If love was a virus, then James never wanted to be cured.
#11 - Karma
Ask me what I learned from all those years
Ask me what I earned from all those tears
He'd found Juliet again because of a goddamn candy bar. It was ridiculous, when he said it like that. But had he not been hankering for something to eat, he never would have gone to those vending machines. She wouldn't have heard him banging on them, and they wouldn't be lying here in his bed in his apartment. (Lucky for him, he lived only five minutes from the hospital.)
Her fingers traced random patterns across his chest. Her breath on his shoulder tickled, but he didn't mind. He just wanted to be close to her.
"James?" she asked softly, as if unsure she wanted to speak.
"Hmm?"
She hesitated a moment before her fingers stilled. "What happened, after? You know… after I died."
James hadn't been prepared for that question. He maybe should have been, but he wasn't. He sucked in a quick breath, and blinked. "I don't - I don't wanna talk about that."
Juliet raised herself up on her elbow and peered down at him curiously. "It's okay. Whatever you did, I won't hold anything against you. I was dead, remember?"
This felt like a trap, but Juliet's expression was open and earnest. "Juliet, I wasn't the same guy. Not after." He refused to say the words, even now. Even when he too was dead.
She threaded her fingers through his hair, pursing her lips in contemplation. They were still red from where he'd kissed her, feverishly and hungrily, not even ten minutes ago. He wondered if he could kiss her again, and if that would help change the subject.
"Please," she whispered, and James knew he had no choice now. Not when she asked like that.
"Promise me," he commanded firmly. "Promise you won't… you won't think too bad of me."
Juliet pulled her hand from the side of his face. Her eyes never left his, even as she nodded her agreement.
And so he told her. He told her about what happened on the island after he buried her. How he'd raged and thrown her ring into the bay. How they'd escaped on the Ajira plane, and how it had taken weeks before they'd let him back in the country.
He told her about how he'd drank himself sick for almost a year. How he'd still never met Clementine. He'd called Rachel at least, but he'd only spoken with her once. Eventually the pain became too much and he started combining drugs with his alcohol. He'd numbed himself so fully, he'd lost any meaningful friendship he could have had. Even Miles stopped talking to him.
Then, just as he'd finally hit rock bottom, he'd died drunk driving. He didn't remember another car being involved, so at least there was that. But he'd been an absolute waste of space, and had done nothing productive or fulfilling with the second chance she'd given him.
He'd wasted it. He'd wasted her sacrifice. And that killed him ten times over inside.
He expected her to hate him at his confession, but she simply rested her cheek on her inner arm and listened, saying nothing. The only evidence that she'd heard anything he said were the tears sparkling in her eyes.
She was devastated, but not for the reason he thought. "I'm so sorry, James," she whispered when he was done. "I never should have cared about you looking at Kate. We never should have been at the Swan site. I'm so, so sorry for leaving you behind."
James was stunned. He blinked, confused. "It wasn't your fault, baby. It was mine."
Juliet pursed her lips again and he saw the first tear slip into the crook of her elbow. "We could have had a life. And my jealousy took that away from you."
"Sweetheart, please don't cry," he said, but it was too late.
James pulled Juliet against his chest, and held her. The way he'd always dreamed, night after night. He'd wake up and it would just be his pillow, soaked through with his tears.
(He wondered why he hadn't just ended it all sooner. If this was what had been waiting for him.)
"It ain't your fault," he said again, and she sniffed.
"It's not yours either. You did the best you could. I can't say my life would have been much different if I had been the one to lose you." At first, James thought she might be patronizing him. But she was serious. And surprisingly, that warmed him through in a way he hadn't felt in a long, long time.
"Then I'm glad it was me. To suffer through all that. I never wanna hurt you, Juliet. Never again." He turned her face up towards his, so he could see her. She took a shaky breath as she tried to calm down. "If I learned anything from this shitty life, it's that… you're my soulmate. I know it now. And I promise you - I will never, ever take this for granted again."
Despite her tears, Juliet couldn't help but smile. She laughed briefly, and licked her lips. James brushed her tears away with his thumb. "We can be together forever now. No smoke monster, no island, no flaming arrows," Juliet whispered, and James laughed. "And we can finally have what we should have had the first time." She paused for effect, making sure his eyes were on hers. They were. Where else could they possibly be? "We deserve to have a life together. A real one. With a mortgage, kids of our own. Jobs that make us happy. Holidays, and family vacations. Anything we want. We've earned it."
She placed a soft kiss on his lips. His heart felt like it was exploding. That was all he'd ever wanted with her: normalcy.
"That sounds perfect, Juliet," James muttered, and leaned his lips against hers.
They had all night to reconnect. All night, and then forever. He couldn't wait.
#12 - Sweet Nothing
And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more"
To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it…
…All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing
Juliet found James out on the dock, right where she expected him to be. It was the last night of June in 1976, and the sub would be leaving tomorrow. It would be the last one before July 9th - the day James's life changed forever.
She thought James would be a raging asshole this week, but he hadn't been. He'd been quiet, withdrawn almost, and that had almost frightened her more. He hadn't explicitly said anything about getting on the sub tomorrow, but she worried about it nonetheless. And when he'd left the house without saying a word to her, she knew it was time to finally talk about this.
She sat down next to him and handed him the bottle of whiskey. If they were going to do this, they were going to do it right. James needed this, and she didn't think anything less of him for it.
"It's chilly tonight," she commented, and she meant it. This was the first time she'd needed to wear a long-sleeved shirt all year. "Storm must be coming in."
James scoffed under his breath, but she didn't take it personally. "You really come all the way out here to talk about the weather?" he grumbled, and it almost made Juliet feel better. At least he was talking now.
"No," she responded lightly, and took the first swig. She coughed a little, unprepared for the burn, and passed the bottle to James. He took it and followed suit, showing no reaction to the alcohol.
"Then why didja?"
Juliet leaned her head against James's shoulder, and swung her legs back and forth beside him. His remained still. "Just thought you could use some company."
"You don't have to do this," he said softly, and it took Juliet by surprise. There was a deep sadness behind his words - something she couldn't quite define.
"I know. But I want to." It took a few minutes before Juliet could feel James's shoulders shaking. She raised her head, and saw tears sliding down his cheeks. He was biting his bottom lip so hard it was turning white.
"James?" He snuffled at the sound of his name. "Honey, talk to me."
A shudder rippled through him. She could feel it, as it started deep in his belly and escaped through his lips. He sobbed, and the sound cut deep into Juliet's heart. "I can't go," he admitted softly, and then closed his eyes, causing more tears to escape. Juliet raised her hands to wipe them away, but they just kept coming.
"What do you mean?" she asked softly, and leaned in close. She wrapped an arm behind his back and tried to hold him tightly. He was shaking.
"I should go. I should try. But…" he started to say, and then trailed off. Juliet waited patiently for his response. It took a while, but once he found his voice, her heart broke even more. "I don't wanna go."
She didn't know what to say. One wrong move and James would explode, she'd seen it before. She had to tread carefully here, and she was terrified of saying the wrong thing. After a moment she decided to say, "You don't have to."
He shook his head, and she was worried she'd made a mistake. But he just continued on as if she'd said nothing. "I don't wanna leave you. I don't wanna see my mama. I don't think I can do it. I can't do it, Juliet," James cried, and leaned his forehead against the side of her neck. She wrapped both arms around him now and pulled him tightly against her.
She pressed kisses into his hair, and waited until he was more calm before whispering against the crown of his head, "I love you, James. And you're right. Whatever happened, happened. But I've got you, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I've got you."
It was what he needed to hear.
He pressed a warm kiss against her collarbone, and his crying subsided, leaving only the occasional soft hiccup behind. When he was finally finished, he sat up and wiped his face with the bottom of his t-shirt. He inhaled deeply and sighed.
"Thanks for sittin' with me, Juliet," he croaked, and she knew he meant it with his whole heart.
She felt terrible, being unable to take away his pain, but she supposed he hadn't asked her to do that. All she could do was ensure that he knew he wasn't alone. As long as she was alive, he'd never be alone again.
"I love you more than all the stars in the sky, James. I'll always have your back," she said quietly, and nudged his shoulder with her own. He chuckled lightly, and took a long, deep drink of the whiskey before passing it back to her. She screwed the lid back on and put it to the side.
"I know, baby. I love you too." He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him. He kissed her hairline and sighed, closing his eyes.
He ordered her a ring the very next morning.
#13 - Mastermind
Once upon a time, the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned
You and I ended up in the same room, at the same time
And the touch of a hand lit the fuse of a chain reaction of countermoves
To assess the equation of you - checkmate, I couldn't lose
James couldn't believe he'd actually gotten her to stay. He'd had more arguments up his sleeve, but she'd merely looked up at him in disbelief before smiling and shaking her head. That was when he knew he had her.
They went over their cover story, in hushed tones and exhausted whispers, out on the picnic table outside some woman's house. They were alone, until Horace approached them, offering to take them to an empty house they could stay in. Temporarily, of course. James grimaced as they walked. His foot was killing him, and he only had two weeks to figure out what their next move was going to be. It was a lot, even for him.
Horace gave them a brief tour of the small cottage. Daniel opted for the couch, where he could mutter and mumble without bothering anyone. Miles and Jin took the room that had two twin beds, and started setting up shop before Horace could even show them to the last room: the master.
James was stunned to learn it only had one bed, a queen, and Horace was gone before James or Juliet could object. "He must think we're together or somethin'," he tried to explain to an open-mouthed Juliet. "I can go ask him - " he started to say, but she shook her head.
"No, it's okay," she sighed. "We're all exhausted and we shouldn't bite the hand that feeds us. I can deal with it for now. Can you?" Her eyes were bloodshot as she looked over at him. She was leaning against the door frame as he stood out in the hall.
"Yeah." It was all he could think of to say. His brain felt like pudding and he couldn't honestly think of a good reason to say 'no.' if she was okay with it, then he was going to have to be too. He wasn't going to sleep on the floor - not with the promise of an actual mattress, for God's sake. She must have understood that.
It was after midnight by the time everyone showered and changed into their borrowed clothing. James, trying his hand at being their leader, agreed to take the last shower. The water was cold before he even got in. But oddly, it seemed to be for the best. The thought of a naked Juliet in this same shower just minutes before him… yeah, cold water was definitely for the best.
What the hell had gotten into him?! he thought. It was Juliet, for crying out loud. He rationalized it by telling himself it was just because she was a woman - a gorgeous one at that - and it had been too damn long since he'd gotten laid. It was the only feasible explanation, and it seemed to help the delusional thoughts pass.
After his shower, he found Juliet sitting cross-legged on their bed in a pale pink nightgown. The fabric was pooled between her legs, so he couldn't see up the skirt when he walked in. Ever the medical professional, she had dutifully spread a variety of bandages and creams out across the foot of the bed.
"I'm afraid I ain't got any money for the co-pay," James teased, and it elicited a small chuckle from Juliet. This pleased James to a degree he hadn't expected.
"Lucky for you, I'm doing this pro-bono. Have a seat," she commanded gently, and James obeyed. He propped his foot up and watched in fascination as she cleaned the wound, spread antiseptic on his skin, and covered the whole thing in gauze wrapping.
"How'd you know I needed all this, doc?"
"I remember you getting hurt, James. I was there. And you've been wincing and limping ever since," Juliet answered. James frowned. He hadn't thought anyone had noticed. "You're all set now. We can change the dressing in the morning." She handed him a pair of socks, and he slipped them on over his bandage. Other than a mild throbbing, he actually felt much better.
Juliet rose from the bed and moved to turn off the light switch. "You ready?" she asked, and James could tell by the purse of her lips that she meant more than just 'are you ready for bed.' But he nodded. He was ready. And he was determined not to make this any weirder than it already was.
She flipped the switch and crawled into the bed beside him. When they were both situated under the covers, he flopped onto his back. They stared at the ceiling, not speaking. After a moment, Juliet said, "Well, goodnight." She rolled onto her side, facing him.
"Goodnight, Juliet," he murmured, and closed his eyes. But he was uncomfortable, lying on his back like that. He tried lying on his right side, but that made his foot hurt. So, he turned over to lie on his left side instead, which felt a bit better.
But now he was facing Juliet, and she was watching him with mild curiosity. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't look away. She looked beautiful, even in the dim light. Her eyes were wide and her lips looked dark crimson. James had to swallow hard and squeeze his eyes shut before he gave himself an even bigger problem to contend with.
But then his eyes flew open, the moment Juliet's skin touched his. His palm was facing up, situated by the edge of his pillow, and Juliet laid her palm flat atop it, curling her fingers until they were loosely intertwined.
She was holding his hand.
It was a friendly gesture, nothing more (James was certain) but it made him feel warm inside nonetheless. He closed his fingers around hers, and watched a small smile curl the corners of her lips. Her eyes were now closed, and she burrowed deeper into her pillow before sighing deeply. It took only minutes before she was asleep.
James laid there for a long while, wondering why he hadn't pulled away. He should have. But something kept his hand locked onto hers. Something he couldn't quite define.
He didn't realize he was smiling when he finally sank beneath the waves of a deep, contented slumber.
#14 - The Great War
You drew up some good faith treaties, I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone
You said I have to trust more freely, but diesel is desire, you were playin' with fire
And maybe it's the past that's talkin', screamin' from the crypt
Tellin' me to punish you for things you never did, so I justified it…
…My hand was the one you reached for all throughout the Great War
"I'm gonna go find us something to eat," Miles announced, and turned to leave.
"And how are you planning on doing that?" Juliet asked, confused. He'd volunteered for the task, which meant he must feel pretty confident in his hunting abilities. Right? Or would he just bring back a bunch of mangoes and call it a day?
"Don't worry about it," he scoffed, and walked off.
"I guess we'll get the water," Juliet sighed, and motioned to the jungle. James looked at her, confused.
"What, me?" he asked, and pointed to his chest.
"Yes, you. Grab anything you can that will hold water and we can go to the caves. They're not far from here." Juliet began to do the same. If Daniel needed to calculate a new bearing, that meant any hope of using the Zodiac was moot. They didn't know how long it would be before the sky lit up again, and they still needed to survive.
James did as she said, grumbling to himself all the while. When he was ready, they set out for the caves.
"You forget, sweetheart, I lived here for months. I know where the damn caves are." When she didn't deign to give him a response, he continued. "And who exactly died and made you boss?"
Juliet rolled her eyes. "No one. I just figured we should do something while everyone else is doing something."
"The caves aren't as close as you think, Blondie. We're gonna be hikin' for a while."
Juliet shrugged, but he made a good point. She picked up the pace. "We shouldn't dawdle then."
"Guess it's good I'm goin' with you. Gotta make sure you don't poison us all," James sneered, and Juliet whirled on him. They hadn't even made it five minutes, and he was already being nasty.
She was still a little drunk, and swayed where she stood. "Are you serious?" she asked incredulously. The fact that he had the gall to say that stunned her.
"Hey - I'm just sayin'."
"That's not fair, and you know it."
He grinned deviously and leaned closer. "You're still an Other. Just cuz you're stuck runnin' around through time with us, don't mean nothin'."
"Think what you want about me and my allegiances, but you're not the only one who could have escaped this place and didn't."
James's eyes darkened, and Juliet continued forward. "Maybe you shoulda left then, if you were so antsy to leave."
"You'd love that, wouldn't you? If I'd been on that freighter," Juliet said under her breath. It was painful to say out loud, even to him. She didn't think he still hated her. Perhaps she was wrong.
James grabbed her forearm and forced her to stop walking. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why didn't you get on the Zodiac? Did you know the freighter was gonna blow? Did your people have somethin' to do with this?"
Juliet's jaw dropped, and despite herself, tears sprang to her eyes. "I've lived with you for weeks. Those people - 'my' people? - They've held me hostage here for three years. They had nothing to do with whatever happened over there, and even if they did, I didn't. So let me go, and let's just get this over with, okay?"
His face softened and he let go. They continued on, and Juliet tried desperately to erase the image she had in her brain of him rising from the ocean like a Greek God. Just because he was sexy didn't mean he was worth thinking about, and just because they were in this predicament together didn't mean they were friends. Clearly.
After a while, James sighed and said, "Look, I'm sorry, okay? This just - all this just fuckin' sucks."
Juliet looked back, and saw James carefully maneuvering over twigs on the ground. She'd forgotten he was barefoot. She suddenly felt incredibly guilty - maybe she shouldn't have made him traverse the jungle with her after all.
She offered him a small smile while she waited for him to catch up. "I know. It does. And I wish I knew what was going to happen next. I wish…" She shook her head and looked down at the ground, before raising her eyes to his. "I want to go home. Just as much as you do. But in order to do that, we're going to have to work together, you and I." She stepped closer to him. "Are you going to be able to do that, James? Are you going to be able to trust me?"
The question seemed to catch him off guard. He eyed the bottles in her hands and the odd way she was looking at him. He knew liars, and Juliet wasn't lying. She looked just as tired as he felt, and he supposed she was right. They were in this together now, for God only knew how long.
"Yeah, okay," he relented, and she gave him a sideways smirk. It made her look cute.
Cute? Jesus Christ… James thought to himself. "Let's get goin'. People are thirsty!" He weaved around her, knocking playfully into her shoulder. She laughed, and the genuineness of it tickled his ears.
They brought back the water a couple hours later. Bernard was working on starting a fire, and Miles was still nowhere to be seen. Dan sat by the ocean, fiddling with something in his lap. They handed out the bottles, keeping one to share between the two of them. Juliet passed the bottle to James, but he shook his head. "Ladies first," he insisted, and Juliet laughed.
Though they'd had their fill while in the caves themselves, the walk back had made her work up a sweat. They hadn't talked much while lugging back the bottles - they'd wanted to conserve their energy - but now they were back to waiting, and James hated sitting around with nothing to do.
"So what now, Boss?" he teased, and Juliet rolled her eyes. She plopped down into the sand and patted the seat next to her. James stared down, at both her and the open invitation. He decided to sit.
"Now we wait. Dan will figure it out eventually." She took a long swig of water and passed it to him.
James watched the last of the sun sink below the horizon line and drank from the bottle. "Screw water. We should crack open that rum again. Party it up a bit before we all die," James suggested dryly. Juliet gave him a playful sideways glare and went back to watching the purple haze take over the sky. "Alright fine, the lady had enough as it is, it seems."
"Trust me, I didn't have nearly enough. Not for this," she motioned to the beach around them. At both everything and at nothing. "A little bit more and I might have thought you were a hallucination."
James laughed. Juliet hadn't heard him really laugh before. "Bet you were surprised."
"That's one word for it," Juliet agreed, and smiled demurely down at her lap. They sat in silence for a while, staring out at the ocean. It was comfortable, for once - the air between them. Juliet no longer felt like James wanted to kill her. It was almost nice, being in his company. She wondered if perhaps they'd reached an agreement after all.
"Sorry I was an ass earlier," James suddenly sighed, and Juliet saw him running his fingers through the sand between his legs.
"It's okay."
"No, it ain't. I just… I was pissed off and needed to get it outta my system, and you seemed like an easy target." Juliet flinched inward. How many times was she going to fill that role in her life? James seemed to catch on, and immediately began backtracking. "Well you know, you were the enemy not too long ago. With the cages and all. It ain't cuz of like, you know, anything else."
"I understand," Juliet tried to say, but James put his hand on her knee, making her look at him. It was an extremely intimate gesture for someone who acted like he hated her most of the time.
"No, you don't. Look, everyone I ever cared about is either dead or out there," James jerked his head to the side, indicating where the freighter used to be. "I'm just tryin' to survive, same as you, but you were right. Only way we're gonna get through this is if we do it together."
Juliet smiled sadly. "Is this the part where you say 'Live Together, Die Alone'?" James laughed, but said nothing.
She empathized with him, she really did. It had probably been a really long time since he'd cared for anyone, and now he'd opened himself up to someone just for her to escape without him. Whether she lived or not remained unseen, which was probably driving James crazy.
Juliet understood the feeling. She placed her hand on top of his, on her knee, and squeezed in solidarity. "It's going to be okay. Some way or another, we'll find our way out of this. We'll find our way home."
James opened his mouth to respond, but closed it when he heard Frogurt yelling from a distance. Wordlessly, James and Juliet nodded at one another and rose to go investigate.
—-
When the burning arrows rained down around them, Juliet felt her heart hammering in her throat. She tried desperately to save anyone she could, but there was no rhyme or reason or pattern to follow to avoid the arrows' path. She tried to put the fire out of someone's belly, but then suddenly James was there, dragging her along.
"Come on! You wanna be dead, too?! Come on!" he shouted. "There's nothing you coulda done. We gotta go now!" He surprised her by taking her hand. She eyed him incredulously, but there was too much going on to dwell on it. She held firm, comforted by the fact that he hadn't left her behind. He could have, she knew with certainty, but he didn't.
They ran, hand in hand, even long after they'd left the arrows behind.
#15 - Bigger Than the Whole Sky
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about, I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet what could've been, would've been
What should've been you
She'd made it eight weeks. They'd seen the heartbeat. James had even told Miles in a moment of pride. He didn't know you weren't supposed to tell anyone yet. Juliet had wanted to scold him for it, but she was excited too. She understood the temptation.
It started with heavy bleeding in the middle of her shift at the motor pool. She wasn't exerting herself, but she could feel it coming before she saw it, bright red on her underwear.
But she was a doctor, and she knew bleeding didn't always mean loss. But still. Her heart stopped, and her stomach bottomed out, and her legs began to shake as she quickly told her boss she needed to leave. She went home, put on a pad, and found James at the security station.
Her crumpled face said it all. That look she gave him… it would haunt him forever.
The doctor confirmed it that afternoon. There was no longer a heartbeat. She was told to wait it out, that her body would do what it needed to do, and that there was nothing else that could be done. Juliet knew all this already. She'd said it to many women, in another life. She just never expected to be on the receiving end.
James held her all night, as she sobbed into his shirt. He felt frozen, stuck in a moment of time. Like nothing would ever be the same after this.
When Amy told Juliet she was pregnant three weeks later, Juliet couldn't get out of bed for two days. James made up some excuse about her being sick, but he knew what it really was. She cried until she had nothing left, and then got up and went about her days, pretending that her life hadn't changed forever. She had to. The world wouldn't stop just because hers did.
She hated Amy for months. She hid it well, because she knew those feelings were unfair. And then James made her deliver Amy's baby. She'd held a life in her hands that should have been hers. She should have been the one with a baby by now.
The next day, Amy asked when her and James would be having kids. The question was like a punch to the throat. It took everything in her not to lose her shit in front of her friend. She swallowed down her pain, like she'd trained herself to do, and answered, "Timing's gotta be right."
They'd just started trying again. They hadn't told anyone; James learned the hard way last time. But perhaps their time would come. Someday. When the timing was right.
#16 - Paris
I'm so in love that I might stop breathing
Drew a map on your bedroom ceiling
No, I didn't see the news, 'cause we were somewhere else
"Well, that's just great. Now what do we do?" Juliet asked, staring down at Phil. James finished cinching his restraints, and closed him into the closet. He was still unconscious from the blow he received only minutes earlier.
James stood, and his knees cracked. He was getting too old for shit like this. "The way I see it is we got two choices." He held up a finger. "One, we sit tight, wait til mornin' and get everyone together. We hightail it outta here and go from there."
"And the second option?" she asked, voice soft and clearly concerned.
James pressed his lips together and held up a second finger. "Second option is we leave him here and skeddadle. Before we're found out."
"And just, what, leave everyone behind?" Juliet scoffed, thinking the plan was ludicrous. They'd stuck together all this time. How could they abandon everyone now?
James shrugged. "They ain't left us much of a choice. It's cuz of them our life's imploded. You were right from the beginning, and I shoulda listened to you." He reached over and took her hand in his. Her eyes were vibrant and shining, as it finally dawned on her that it was truly, irreversibly over.
"What kind of people would that make us? To just… leave?"
"The kind that are lookin' out for themselves. Everyone can understand that. Hell, we wouldn't be in this shit if it weren't for half of 'em, Juliet. Jack didn't save that kid. Miles didn't erase that tape. Kate - well, she just sticks her nose where it don't belong."
"But Jin and Hurley - "
"They'd understand."
"So… you're leaning towards the second option then?" Juliet asked, though she didn't need his confirmation. She could see it in his eyes.
He let go of her hand in order to put his hands on either side of her face. It was the most intimate she'd felt with him in days. "I gotta protect you. You're my family now. Let Jack and them figure it out. They always do."
Juliet's heart swelled, and that combined with the exhaustion - her eyes began to well with tears. "Can we at least leave a note?"
"And say what? Hey Dharma, we bailed but here's where you can find us?"
Juliet shook her head. "Nothing that direct. Something more… coded."
James considered her proposition. It would help alleviate some of the guilt he'd certainly feel for leaving their friends behind. He'd grown too much in the last three years. Now he had fuckin' morals to abide by - ugh. "How's about - meet up with us where it all began? Dharma don't know where that is. But Jack will."
Juliet nodded. It was perfect. "I'll pack our clothes and toiletries if you pack food and supplies?" she suggested, and he grinned broadly.
"You got it," he said, and punctuated the agreement with a soft, but perfect kiss. They had work to do.
#17 - High Infidelity
Your picket fence is sharp as knives
I was dancing around, dancing around it
"So, this is your place, huh?" James asked, looking around Juliet and her son's house. Her keys jingled as she hung them up on the hook in the foyer. She closed the door behind them and led the way to the kitchen, crossing her arms protectively across her chest.
"Yeah. It's not much, but it's just the two of us, so we don't need too big of a place."
James scoffed. "You kiddin'? This place is nice." He ran his fingertips across the marble countertop in her kitchen. She had pristinely white cabinets, a large gas stove, and a pantry bigger than his bathroom. There wasn't a single dish in the farmhouse sink or even an appliance on the counters. It looked right out of a magazine.
The galley kitchen in his apartment didn't even come close to this. In his mind, this house was massive, and looked expensive, especially considering the neighborhood.
He turned to Juliet, who leaned against the kitchen island. She was watching him inspect the space, trying to gauge his reaction. She wanted him to like it here, he could tell.
But… It didn't feel right, being here. It was too… clean. His cheap ass apartment didn't really feel like home either, but at least he could be himself there. He could leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight, or not be too worried about spilling stuff on the carpet. But here?
He grit his teeth, as he was reminded of just how much of a hillbilly he still was inside. Juliet was a real honest-to-God doctor again in this place, and though he wasn't a conman anymore, he still did the same kind of shit: tricking people, working with low-lifes, and only earning enough to scrape by. He didn't fit in to her classy lifestyle.
As expected, she asked in a small voice, "What do you think?"
"About what?" he responded, as he glanced over the photos on the fridge. Juliet and David's Christmas card, where they posed in front of a lush Christmas tree. Juliet and David on a hike somewhere, standing on a cliff with her arm around him. Juliet and David making silly faces in a photo booth. Juliet seemed like a good mom. It was something they hadn't had together, and therefore not really something he'd ever thought about. He hadn't been much of a dad to his own kid when he was alive. And now, here… if he pursued this any further… he knew David came with the package, but was that really what he wanted? Jack's kid?
Juliet watched James inspect the photos. She couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking, but she had a hunch. "James," she said softly, and reached out for his hand. He let her take it, but refused to look at her. Instead, his eyes traveled to a baby picture of David. Even then, he looked just like Jack.
He was suddenly overwhelmed with how much his life (not life?) had changed in the last hour. He'd gone from a single guy just trying to get laid every so often to finding the love of his life and some kid she'd had when she was 21, and dating someone he'd resented for years and years. It didn't seem right, or fair, that Jack had had this life with her and thrown it away, and now here James was with the opportunity to take that life for his own, and he could hardly stomach it.
"Talk to me," she whispered, and leaned her cheek against his shoulder. She followed his eyes to the photo, desperate to know what he was thinking.
"I love you, you know that right?" he said, his voice deep and tired.
Juliet bit her lip. She remembered how they'd held one another in the low light of the hospital waiting room; how he'd hardly been able to let go of her. His tears had landed in her hair and she could see the regret etched into every line on his face.
"Yeah, I know," she replied softly, and tightened her grip on his hand.
"This is all just… a lot," he admitted with a sigh, and finally tore his eyes away from David's face. He tried to forget about the fact that he didn't belong here, and instead decided to focus on Juliet's face. She was the only thing about any of this that made any sense to him.
"Take as much time as you need, James." She placed her hands on either side of his neck, and rubbed her thumbs along his stubble. "I'm not going anywhere. Not this time."
James swallowed thickly and nodded. It was what he needed to hear. And she had a point - they had all the time in the world now.
#18 - Glitch
Five seconds later, I'm fastening myself to you with a stitch
And I'm not even sorry, nights are so starry, blood moonlit
It must be counterfeit… I think there's been a glitch
The storm may have been over, but the time flashes had been too random to track. They never knew when they were going to hit, or where they were going to be sent, but after all that rowing - they were exhausted. They needed to rest, and no one complained when James suggested they make camp for the night on the beach near the treeline.
Juliet, still reeling from the fact that her nose had started bleeding, volunteered to collect firewood. She needed to be alone with her racing, panicked thoughts. How long was this going to last? Would this be the stupid thing that killed her, after all this time of surviving on this godforsaken island?
It was dark, out in the woods alone. The moon overhead was blocked by the storm clouds and she found herself groping around, looking for anything that might be dry enough to light.
But then she heard the snapping of twigs behind her, and she froze. Before panic could fully set in, she turned and saw James's tall figure step through the trees.
"God, you scared me," she whispered harshly, and continued picking up twigs.
"What, you think the big bad wolf finally came to eat you up?" he snickered, and Juliet felt her cheeks flame. She wasn't sure why.
"No, I just - I guess it's just been a long day. My nerves are fried."
James reached up into the tree beside her, snagging a mango. His shirt, still damp from the rainstorm, rose up, exposing his taut stomach.
Even in the darkness, he could see her staring. "Like what you see, Blondie?" he teased, and took a bite out of the fruit. He tossed it to her, and she caught it one-handed, despite hardly being able to see. He watched her, wondering what she would do next, and she took a bite out of it herself, never breaking eye contact.
She had no explanation for what happened next.
Suddenly the mango and the wood were on the muddy ground beneath her feet and James's hands were in her hair. His lips tasted sweet and salty at the same time, probably from the ocean spray, and it was a delicious combination. She drank him in, his grasp on her sweeping her mind back out to sea.
He wasn't gentle. She felt his hands move from her hair to slide up the back of her shirt. He gripped her waist and pushed her into the tree behind her. Her fingernails scratched against his scalp before moving to the back of his neck where she pulled him in, locking him against her.
She was completely out of breath when he moved from her lips to her neck, sucking the rain and sweat off her skin. She felt nothing and everything all at once - confusion and pleasure and numbness and greed as she wrapped her legs around his waist while he hoisted her up. His arms were strong beneath her thighs, and there was nothing tentative about his kisses.
Juliet felt like she was flying.
"James?"
They froze. Daniel was calling for him. James and Juliet looked at one another, lips frozen in perfect circles. They panted, coming back down to earth, and James lowered Juliet back down to the ground.
He licked his lips, refusing to meet her eyes. "Out here, Danny Boy," James replied, and stepped back from a flushed and heavy-lidded Juliet.
He flashed her an apologetic smile before snagging a few mangoes to bring back to the beach just as Dan came through the trees.
"Oh. You're both here," he stated, surprised. "I was coming to see if you needed help."
James growled and shoved the mangoes into Dan's chest. "I didn't need any help," he sneered, and Juliet almost smiled. Almost.
What they'd done… that could have been very, very bad. He was just worked up over seeing Kate, that was all. There was no way he could ever see her as anything more than whatever she was to him. It was probably because it was so dark. Maybe he just pretended she was Kate, she told herself. She wasn't sure if that made her feel better or worse.
"Thank you, Daniel," she said softly, and smoothed down her hair self-consciously. He nodded, though he had no idea just what she was really thanking him for.
#19 - Would've, Could've, Should've
And if you never saved me from boredom, I could've gone on as I was
But, Lord, you made me feel important, and then you tried to erase us…
…And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts. Memories feel like weapons
And now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering
It wasn't often he got the call from Kate. But tonight had been one of those nights. And of course it was; it was the one year anniversary of making it back to the US - her for the second and final time.
James had spent the week completely wasted. He'd only jumped in the shower because she asked to come over. He'd tried tidying up, enough for her not to fuss at him. But he knew she wasn't going to be checking out the state of his apartment. She had one goal, and one goal only.
The first time he and Kate hooked up was months after they'd gotten back home. Everything felt wrong in their lives, and they'd drank and fucked and cried and tried (and failed) not to think about the ones they'd lost. They'd sought comfort in the other, and the wrongness only fueled James's self-hatred. Which, it seems these days he thrived on.
He couldn't see blonde women without thinking of Juliet. He couldn't read, or go to the beach, or listen to oldies without her name flitting across his mind, uninvited. He couldn't move on. He wanted to, but he couldn't.
And neither could Kate.
They knew there was no love between them. But no one else could understand what they'd been through. What it felt like to lose their soulmate to that place. And so they fucked every once in a while. To drive away the loneliness when it got too hard. To force themselves to confront their pain. And yet, at the same time, it helped them forget too. If only for a little while.
They drank. It helped make it easier to stomach. And when it was over, usually one of them would talk, and the other would listen. This was their therapy, and they hated themselves for it.
Tonight, it seemed, was James's turn. "She came onto me, ya know," he started to say, and took a long drag of his cigarette. Kate laid on her side, facing him, naked with the blankets tucked up around her chest. She said nothing. Just listened. Those were the rules.
"It was weird at first, but once I got to thinkin' about it… somethin' just… clicked. We were friends and then one day we were more than that, I guess. She was too fuckin' good for me, though, and it took me a long time to not feel like she was makin' a huge mistake. She made me feel shit I'd never felt before… happy, for one, but smart, and good inside, too. She just… took me as I was, and didn't expect nothin' from me. She didn't take my shit, don't get me wrong, but God… she made me feel… like I was worth somethin'."
Kate bit her lip to keep from crying. She knew what that felt like too.
"And we were real fuckin' happy, all domestic and whatnot. It took some gettin' used to, but I wanted to be that guy for her. She deserved that. And it caught on after a while I guess. I liked comin' home to her every night." He stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray on his nightstand, but he didn't lie back down.
"And then everything fuckin' changed. Overnight, it seemed. And I tried to ignore it. I tried to tell myself, and her, that everything would be fine, and nothin' would change. But she called it - the minute y'all got there. She knew nothin' would be the same, and it wasn't. Even before all that shit with Ben - things were awkward between us after y'all came back." James let out a sigh and closed his eyes, remembering the look in her eyes when he'd told her the news. The joy leached out of her, as if he'd reached inside and stolen it right out from under her nose. As if it had been all his fault.
Kate wanted to apologize, but there was nothing she could say that could cure this ache. She knew firsthand, apologies meant nothing at this point. The bomb had been Jack's plan. He'd wanted to change the past - make it so the plane never crashed. Perhaps all this was easier to blame on him.
James had already told her the story about why Juliet had sided with Jack. The guilt Kate felt for her role in it tore her apart, even though she knew she'd done nothing wrong. But still. She could have talked to Juliet, she could have sworn there was nothing going on between them. She could have, should have, would have done a million different things to get a different outcome to all this - but unlike Jack, she knew there was no changing the past. So why bother trying?
James sighed and ran a hand over his face. The room was spinning - he needed to go to bed, or maybe vomit. "I don't know what I coulda done to save her. I just wish… I wish I could do things differently, ya know?"
Kate nodded. The silence made it feel like he was done. She chanced a question. "Do you regret being with her, knowing the pain you'd be left with?" It was a serious question, one she'd asked herself a million times. Just because she knew her answer didn't mean she knew his.
He thought about it for a while. He wasn't sure there was a right answer. He didn't regret loving her, but he despised the level of pain he was in every damn day. Was it worth it, feeling this way? For a few years worth of memories?
"No. I don't regret it," he finally decided to say, and rose from the bed. Just because they fucked didn't mean they cuddled. That was a line he wouldn't cross. He slipped into a pair of sweatpants and crossed the room, intent on heading out to his couch. "I could never regret her. She was the love of my life. I just wish I'd told her sooner."
Kate felt her eyes begin to water. She understood that. "Me too," she commiserated. "Me too."
#20 - Dear Reader
Dear reader:
Burn all the files, desert all your past lives
And if you don't recognize yourself, that means you did it right
James smiled as everyone toasted him and his promotion, but he didn't feel it. Not really. He hadn't asked for this, but when Horace told him he'd been made the new head of security after only three months of living in Dharmaville, what was he supposed to say? At the time it didn't seem like he'd been given much of a choice. He started his new roles and responsibilities on Monday, and that was that.
He left the party early, dipping out when Miles cracked open the liquor, hoping no one would notice. He should have known better. Juliet noticed everything.
She found him tossing rocks into the ocean, on a small outcropping beside the beach. She'd only known which way he went because she'd seen him slip out of their shared house. Something seemed off with him, and she was determined to find out if he was okay.
She gave him a few minutes alone before approaching him, the way one would when approaching a stray dog - slowly, and as non-threateningly as possible. "Hey. I think you're missing your party," she commented lightly, and climbed up the small hill to join him. He didn't acknowledge her - just threw another rock. "And I may or may not have procured a delicious looking chocolate cake for this event. I know it's your favorite."
James shrugged a shoulder. It wasn't until her hand landed on his forearm that he turned and looked at her. Everything in his body went still. She had that effect on him, and he had no fucking clue why.
"I don't want it, Juliet."
"The cake? That's okay, you don't - "
"No, not the cake. The job. And all the responsibility that comes with it. I don't want it," he growled, and turned towards the ocean again. Juliet raised her eyebrows, surprised by his candor.
"Oh. Well. Just tell Horace you don't want it, then."
James scoffed. "I can't do that."
"And why not?"
"Cuz. He gave it to me; he didn't offer it to me. Didn't seem like I had much of a choice."
"Well, surely he'd understand if you told him you weren't ready. We've only been living here for three months."
"It ain't that simple."
Now it was Juliet's turn to scoff. "And why is that?"
James's hand stilled once more. He turned the rock over in his palm, rubbing his thumb across its rough edge. "I don't wanna disappoint him by turnin' it down, either. He let us stay here. He trusts me, God only knows why, and I don't wanna ruin that or nothin'."
This surprised Juliet. Of all the things she'd expected James Ford to say, that was certainly not one of them. Maybe she didn't give him enough credit. Maybe he did care.
"Oh," was all she could say in response.
He clenched the rock in his fist and turned towards her. "I lived my whole life bein' nothin' but a piece 'a shit. Now, someone actually wants me to be the head of security? Like… what the fuck did I do to give him the impression I was the guy for that?"
Juliet smiled. This was an easy one. "Because. You've reinvented yourself here. You handled Richard like a pro, and stopped an all-out war from breaking out. You show up to work on time, and you do a great job at it. You have original ideas, you're smart… you're just the right amount and tough, and ornery." She couldn't help but laugh at the way he rolled his eyes at her. "You're perfect for the job, James."
"You're delusional. I'm an uneducated hick with a criminal record a mile long. I'm a damn fraud here, and you know it."
"So am I, then."
"How do you figure?" he scoffed, and narrowed his eyes at her.
"I'm not a mechanic, James. I'm a doctor. And I've killed people too, you know. But what we've done in our pasts… it doesn't define who we are here, now. Neither of us are the people we used to be."
"Changin' my name didn't change who I was, Blondie."
Juliet shook her head, trying to find a way to get him to understand. "That's not what I mean. You and I both… we got a fresh start here. One we may not have asked for, but we got it all the same. I gave up caring for pregnant women - I didn't want the responsibility. But you - you stepped up. You lied for us when we needed it. You're the only reason we have roofs over our heads, jobs, food… you were brilliant with Richard. And Horace saw that. You got this promotion, James, because you earned it."
She placed a warm hand on his shoulder blade, and that same stillness flooded through him. He felt something equally as warm tickle his belly - something unidentifiable.
"You ain't just sayin' that? To make me feel better?"
Juliet chuckled and leaned her forehead against his bicep (the tickling feeling flared to life). "No, goofball. I mean it."
As if on autopilot, he moved his arm around her shoulders and tucked her against his side in a half hug. (Were those… butterflies? He wasn't sure if he should be horrified or not at this new development.)
They stayed like this a long moment, with his arm around her shoulders and hers around his lower back. James couldn't deny that he felt a lot better now. Juliet seemed to have faith in him, and maybe she was right… maybe he wouldn't do so bad after all.
"You ready to go back to your party and get hammered, cowboy?" Juliet asked, pulling away just enough to look up at him. She was grinning, and James couldn't help but grin back.
"Lead the way, sunshine," he replied, and they walked back to the party hand in hand.
#21 - Hits Different
I'd just ghost - rip the band aid off and skip town like an asshole outlaw
Freedom felt like summer then, on the coast
Now the sun burns my heart and the sand hurts my feelings…
…Dreams of your hair and your stare and sense of belief in the good in the world;
You once believed in me
It took James three years before he could go to the beach again. Not since he'd gotten off the island. Now, it was summer vacation for Clementine, and Cassidy invited him to attend their annual beach trip to the California coast.
His kid 'wanted him there,' she'd grumbled, clearly annoyed. How could James say no? It would make Clem happy and piss off Cassidy at the same time. It was a win-win.
But then he got out of his car and checked into his room, and he was so close he could smell the salt on the breeze. It made him feel like he was going to vomit. He'd only come a day early because he knew he would need time to adjust. He didn't want to lose his shit in front of Clementine.
He unpacked his bag, then repacked it, not sure why he'd taken everything out to begin with. He watched TV for an hour as he drank a travel bottle of tequila from the mini fridge. He fucking hated the beach. He didn't want to be there. But he had to try.
He thought he'd be over this shit by now. People grieve loved ones all the time. And then they move on. Amy had been a perfect example of that, after Paul died. Why was this so hard for him? Why couldn't he do the same? And why did the beach remind him so much of her? It wasn't like they'd spent that much time together there. A couple weeks, tops.
And a few nights. And a few hot, sweaty days, where they'd swim out past the waves, holding onto one another as they treaded water and made out. It had always amazed him that she tasted like her, even underneath the salt water. It was like her very essence couldn't be washed away, even when it should've been.
God, he really fucked up by coming here. But it was too late to turn back now. He'd already texted Cass with his room number. He was just going to have to rip off the band aid and get it over with.
He tucked a couple bottles into his pockets, grabbed his room key and headed out. His hotel was only a block from the beach, and thankfully it wasn't as busy as it could have been. He stopped just shy of the sand and picked up his flip flops. He grimaced as he walked barefoot towards the awaiting ocean.
It was the color of her eyes, he realized. And it hurt to think about.
He longed for the days when he could just turn his brain off. Close off his heart to the world and protect himself at all costs. But she'd turned him upside down and inside out, and had tamed those impulses in him forever. He wondered vaguely if she knew that, before - well, just before.
He found a place to sit and cringed as he tried to get comfortable. The sun was in his eyes; he wished he'd brought sunglasses. Or even a hat. But it didn't matter. He wasn't going to stay there long. He promised himself - the moment he felt it become too much, he'd go back inside where he could be alone.
He pulled out one of the mini bottles and eyed it. Rum. Of course. It just had to be fucking rum. He rolled his eyes before opening it, and gritted his teeth against the burn. It had always been her drink of choice, but not his.
A blonde woman walked past him, flashing him a pearly white California smile. He nodded back, if only to be polite. The old him would have talked with her, flirted heavily, maybe asked for her number. But he didn't have the energy to do that these days. Or the interest. He wanted to blow her off entirely but he wasn't a dick like that. Not anymore. She'd always hated when he acted like a tool. She told him he was better than that, and maybe over the course of the three years he'd heard it… he'd believed her.
James suddenly felt lost. He didn't know what to do with himself. He felt uncomfortable, sitting there in the blazing sun drinking a drink he hated and thinking about the woman he'd left behind. Because of him she was buried in the ground somewhere, all alone, on an island that had kept her prisoner for far too long. She'd served a sentence she hadn't earned, and here he was living the life of freedom he didn't deserve.
It was all one big, fucking mess. And that's when he realized he'd had enough.
He got up, brushed himself off, and went back to the hotel. He felt himself unraveling; like the ocean was hanging on to the end of his line, and the further he moved away from it, the smaller he became. His eyes were burning by the time he got to his room, and it was a long while before he could breathe again.
It wasn't lost on him that he'd now been without her for as long as he'd had her. Somehow, that made all of this ten times worse.
But tomorrow, he would go to the beach with Clementine. They'd play in the sand, and he'd teach her how to boogie board. He'd be the dad he'd been trying to be, because that's what Juliet would want from him.
She believed, underneath everything he'd experienced and everything he'd done, that he was a good person, and would make a good dad. The only thing he could do now was prove her right. He owed that to her, even after all this time.
