CW: Self-loathing
I was stuck doing the weird werewolf course for just under two weeks, but it felt like it had been months. When I was finally taken up to the Ministry of Magic and reunited with my father, I was an entirely different person.
He took me home, and I didn't say a word until we got home, when my mother embraced me, tears running down her face. I didn't even respond to the gesture. I didn't deserve her love.
"Remus, oh my god... that was so wrong... they shouldn't have done that... it has to have been illegal! What did they even do!?" she cried, not letting go of me.
I couldn't find it in me to talk. I was in shock, to put it plainly. My throat was dry and I was still trembling even though I wasn't being tortured anymore. Every day there had been the same. Morgause had tortured me while shouting horrible things at me, telling me how dangerous I was, and how I should hate myself because of what I was. The worst part was, the course hadn't made me any less dangerous for when the full moon came.
All it did was make me hate myself. I had hated myself before that course, but after it, my self-loathing was ridiculous. I believed, at that point in my life, that I was the most horrible, dangerous, disgusting thing to ever come onto the planet. It was one of the lowest points of my life.
I kept my head down at platform nine and three-quarters the next day. Morgause had punched it into my brain that every single person on the platform absolutely despised me.
And not just on the platform, but every single other person on the planet. But, to my surprise, when Lily saw me, she threw her arms around me, crying.
"Remus, oh my god!" she cried. "I was so worried! Did they take you somewhere!? Where!? When I came to, I was back at my house, and I tried to send an owl to you but I got no response!"
"You were not really worried about me," I said, my tone coming out like a chant, the words I'd been taught over the past two weeks.
"What?" said Lily, letting go of me. "What do you mean? Of course, I worried about you. You're one of my best friends, and I had no clue what was happening to you!"
"I'm not your friend," I said. The things I'd been taught were all tumbling out. "You wouldn't want to be friends with me."
"What!?" Lily said. "What have they done to you?"
The train let out a toot. It was going to leave in just a minute, so Lily and I walked onto the train.
"Remus, are you OK?" Lily asked me, putting her hand on my arm.
"I'm fine," I said. "I'm just an awful person, so I'll leave you alone."
I spun around and began to walk towards an empty carriage, but she gripped my arm. "Remus, I don't know what they've done to you, but you have to realise that you're..."
Before she could finish her sentence, the Hogwarts express suddenly jerked into motion, and she quickly led me into an empty compartment and sat across from me.
"You have to realise that you're one of the kindest people I know if not the kindest person I know... they've... what have they done...? Hang on, I'll be back in a second, stay here."
She got up and left me in the compartment. I looked out the window and took in a deep breath. I was going to have to undo all the thoughts of myself that Morgause had forced into me. I had to do it for my friends.
Why? They don't care about you. You're dangerous. They want you to stop hanging around them.
Lily came back into the compartment, this time accompanied by Sirius, James, and Peter. As soon as I saw him, my thoughts were on Sirius. Multiple times I had thought that he didn't actually like me. But he'd always wanted me back. For example once, last year, he'd stolen an entire box of chocolates from me behind my back, and I'd refused to speak to him for two days until he'd begged for my forgiveness by buying me two new chocolate boxes.
He was the one who had confessed his feelings to me first. Why would he have done that if he didn't really like me?
"Are you OK?" he was asking me now.
"I'm fine," I said, smiling. That smile probably annoyed them, I thought, and stopped smiling. But now they'll think I'm rude.
"Evans said you... what happened over Easter break?" James asked.
Morgause had told me not to tell anyone from school about what had happened. But I'd have no chance of trying to go back to normal if I did everything she'd told me to do. So, I told them. I told them everything.
"What did you say that witch's name was?" Sirius asked. His jaw was tight.
"Morgause Selwyn," I said.
"Selwyn... that's one of the sacred twenty-eight I think," said Sirius. "My family has probably met their family. I'll ask Regulus if he knows her."
"Why?" Lily asked cautiously.
"So I can get revenge, obviously," said Sirius. "So I can find her and..."
"No," I said quickly. "Not only because you'd get in huge trouble, but because I just don't think you should. I don't know... I know she hurt me and all, but she's one of the first people who actually didn't show me any pity, and..."
"Don't tell me you believed what she said to you," said James. I didn't respond. "Oh, Moony..."
Lily wrapped her arms around me. "She's warped your mind, Remus. How can we prove to you how amazing you are?"
"Come with me," Sirius said to me. "I want to show you something that I think might help."
He led me out of the compartment and into the carriage, and we began walking through it toward the front of the train.
When we were in the front carriage, where no one liked to sit because it was closest to the engine and quite loud as a result, he took my hand and led me into an empty compartment.
"I love you," he said.
No, he doesn't, I thought. He's just saying that because he feels bad for you. Because he, like everyone else, pities you. He should just treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Like vermin.
"Please believe me," he said, placing his hands softly on my arms. "I'd never say it if I didn't mean it. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I'd be willing to let the whole world know it. That I love you. Because I don't think I've ever met anyone like you. Anyone as calm, sweet, brave, smart, incredibly talented at everything except Quidditch, not to mention so goddamn sexy, Remus fucking Lupin... please let me kiss you because I love you."
"I love you," I said, trying and struggling to believe the words he had just said to me. He pressed his warm lips against mine and the walls Morgause had built around my heart cracked a little bit at his affection. Maybe he could love me.
I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back tightly, not speaking or removing his lips from mine. Neither of us wanted to leave the other. Or maybe that was just me that didn't want him to leave because I was desperate for validation that maybe I wasn't so horrible, however bad I felt.
We stayed alone for far longer than was unsuspicious, so obviously the others were questioning us when we got back to the compartment.
"Oi, who cares where they were?" James said to Peter. "They've missed out on half the sweets from the Trolley witch, and that's their problem."
"You ate them without us!?" Sirius cried. "You damn git!"
"Sorry," James said in a fake tone of sorrow.
"Who cares about the sweets," said Lily. "Remus, did whatever Sirius show you make you feel any better?"
"Yeah, I think so," I said. Maybe not completely better, but he shifted my mindset slightly, so I hated myself a little less. Just a little. "OK, that's good! But I'm not sitting in a carriage alone with you four. I'll be back."
She left, then returned a few minutes later with the full gang. Mary, Alice, Frank, Marlene, and Dorcas. Who better to help me feel better about myself than all the people I'd consider friends?
Maybe I didn't deserve them all, maybe I did. But I had them, and I was ridiculously lucky to have them.
The apparition test took place just three days after we returned to the castle, and nearly everyone in our year took it. Peter, having a birthday in August, was one of the few who had to sit it out, but take it as soon as they turned seventeen.
"What happens if we fail?" I asked Sirius and James as we lined up outside the Great Hall for our individual assessment.
"You won't fail," Sirius said to me.
"But what happens if we do?"
"I think we can try again once a week?" James said. "He'll come to Hogsmeade... is Hogsmeade even open again?"
"It is, but a lot of it is still out of bounds," said Sirius.
"And we can also get extra lessons in Hogsmeade," said James.
"Apparently they're really strict," I said. "And it's not just that Wilkie Twycross guy, there's a whole panel of them."
"Don't tell Wormtail I said this, but he wouldn't stand a chance even if he was seventeen," said Sirius.
"Padfoot!" James cried.
"What!? Have you seen him apparate once over the entire course?"
"That's so mean," James said, shaking his head. Sirius just rolled his eyes.
"Sirius Black!" came a voice. "You're up next."
"Good luck," I said to Sirius, who grinned at me, then walked quickly towards the door of the Great Hall.
"Have you managed to apparate?" James asked me.
"Yeah," I said. "Took me forever, but I did it. You?"
"Yeah," said James. "It was pretty easy. Also, apparently in May, we're learning the Patronus Charm!"
"Really?" I said. "Is that the one where we make a shiny animal thing?"
"Yeah!" James cried. "You have to think of your happiest memory to conjure it up."
"Oh, OK," I said. "Everyone has a different animal, right?"
"Yeah," said James. "And usually if you're a you-know-what, your Patronus aligns with it. So, I reckon I'll be a stag."
"That'll be powerful, then," I said. "Since it's so big."
"Oh my god, look!" James cried suddenly. "Trevor Davies is going in! That means Evans is next! I have to go and wish her luck! Come on!"
He dragged me over to Lily, who was pacing and mouthing words to herself. James goggled at her for a second, before saying, "Evans! Good luck! I know you're going to do fantastic!"
"Potter!" Lily cried, spinning around to look at us. "Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate? Piss off!"
"Alright... sorry Evans," said James, and we both walked away, leaving her in peace.
The wait was excruciating. OK, that's a bit dramatic, it wasn't excruciating, I'd been through plenty of excruciating waits, and this wasn't one of them. But still, it was terrifying to be waiting in line to do an exam. Why couldn't we all just do it at the same time?
Unlike Lily, I was glad for James's presence. He was just blabbering on about anything and everything, which was a very welcome distraction. Thank the lord I was going to go in before him.
"Remus Lupin! You're up next!"
As soon as I heard the examiners calling me, I jumped. James wished me good luck, and I slowly walked into the examination room. There was a line of them all sitting at a long table, staring at me.
"It was Remus Lupin, yes?" one of them said, and I nodded. "Date of birth?"
"Um, the tenth of March 1960," I said, my voice wobbly. The examiners all looked at each other.
"It is him," one of them muttered. I felt my head spin slightly.
"Mr. Lupin, we're going to need to ask you to leave," one of them said. No, no, no, no, no...
"Why?" I asked, but I knew damn well why.
"In case you aren't aware, you are a registered werewolf," one of them said. I wanted to cry.
"Are there rules against apparating as a werewolf?"
"No, but we don't feel comfortable with you there," said one of them.
"Oh my god," I said. It had only been a month and a half and I was already over the discrimination. So, I drew my wand and pointed it in front of me. "Protego. There, now I can't hurt you even if I wanted to. Can I please take my apparition test now?"
They all looked at each other, then one said, very angrily, "Fine."
