One day, Voldemort was just minding his own business and hoping that one of his subordinates would bring him word of Harry Potter's death. Voldemort believed tactful delegation was a sign of successful leadership.

And here came someone now… and it was none other than Bellatrix, his best lieutenant! (Which Voldemort sometimes in rare but unfortunate bouts of self-knowledge had to admit did not mean very much.)

"Voldie! Guess what day it is!" Bellatrix pounced on him and threw her arms around him.

Voldemort grabbed her arms and lifted them off him with the air of someone picking stray cat hairs off their food. "I assure you, Bella, I have no idea what you are talking about." Inwardly he could barely contain his excitement. This, surely, this was the day that Harry Potter-

"Why, it's my birthday of course! It was so sweet of you to remember!" Bella squealed.

With great ceremony, she waved her (unyielding) wand. A large cardboard box appeared in mid-air and ripped in half. Its contents spilled out rather graphically, revealing several plastic packets, which hovered in the air. Bellatrix waved her wand again. In a series of loud bangs that caused Voldemort to jump, the plastic packets all burst open and their contents rained noisily on the floor.

Ah, thought Voldemort, if only that had been the lifeless body and exploding guts of The Boy Who Lived No More! But Voldemort sobered himself, being much used to disappointment, and drew himself up to his bossiest height. Appearances must be maintained.

"What is this?!" Voldemort bellowed. "Have you set traps for our enemies? Caltrops, perhaps?" He was proud of himself for having recently learned that word from the Dungeons and Dragons craze that had been sweeping the wizarding world. Personally, he had decided that if he ever joined a group, he would create a character who was a terrifying, powerful, super evil dark wizard.

"No, Voldie, these are not cat drops," said Bellatrix patiently. "This is a popular Muggle game known as LEGO!"

"A Muggle game?!" roared Voldemort, swelling up with rage. Muggles were weaklings and fools! His whole mission in life was to exterminate them! Though he felt that he simply subjugate the ones who made Dungeons and Dragons so they could go on writing more books (he had to find out what happened next to the Drow) and making more expansions. Now that was a brilliant game…

Bellatrix, meanwhile, was excitedly going through the LEGOs that covered the stone floor of the dungeon. (Voldemort had been staying in dungeons a lot recently. She suspected it was due to the influence of that stupid Muggle game, Dungeons and Dragons, even though she had tried to tell him that these days the game did not really have that much to do with dungeons anymore.)

For months, she had been almost unable to contain her excitement over her own birthday gift. She had hit upon the idea one day - it would be a custom LEGO kit of her and Lord Voldemort, holding hands (sort of - she knew this might not be totally possible within LEGO limitations). She and Voldie would lovingly build the figures together, and when he saw how perfect the two of them looked standing next to each other, he! Would! Realize! He! Had Loved her all along! And then they would snog for hours…

When LEGO refused to answer her messages, even though she sent at least twenty owls (seriously, why were people so bad at communication these days?), she searched the Muggle internet and found a hobbyist who was willing to build her a custom LEGO set based on a photograph. So she emailed a photo of her and Lord Voldemort to "get a quote," as Muggle parlance went. To her surprise, she got a response back right away. She had expected to have to hunt down this Muggle and put the Imperius curse on them, but that had proved unnecessary. Apparently these LEGO hobbyists knew what it was to be dedicated to a cause.

Is this for a special occasion? the LEGO-loving Muggle, one Hedgebert Hammock, wrote to her.

Its 4 a birthday, she wrote back. Then, lying shamelessly, she added: N an anniversary. N a wedding. We r totally in luv!

The Muggle had then asked enthusiastically for pictures of the place they had met so he could incorporate it in the tableaux. When she told him they had met in boarding school, he enthusiastically replied that he'd always wanted to do a big school set and could she please send him detailed reference photos?

So Bellatrix sent many photos of Hogwarts, only pausing later to wonder if this was some kind of security problem, sending pictures of the wizarding world to a Muggle. She shrugged and took a hefty swing from her flask of Lobe Annihilator. Oh well! The security of the wizarding world was no concern of hers!

And now, here she was, practically shin-deep in the LEGO pieces that would make up Hogwarts castle. The Muggle had proudly described it as a highly realistic set comprising over 6,000 pieces with microfigures and minifigures (whatever those were). All Bellatrix cared about was getting to the snogging.

"Come on, Voldie, we should have this done in no time," she said brightly. When he harrumphed, she said, "You can start on the dungeons," which instantly cheered him up.

The Dark Lord and his best lieutenant started poking through the sea of LEGOs. About two minutes in, impatient and bored, Bellatrix started jamming pieces together at random. She brandished a solid multicolored slab at Voldemort. "There. Here's the north wall of the castle. A good enough likeness, isn't it?"

"No, Bella, look at the instructions," Lord Voldemort said patronizingly. "We're looking for a grey piece shaped like a rectangle…"

"They're all gray pieces shaped like rectangles!" Bellatrix screamed. Then her eyes fell on a stray head rolling around in the LEGOs. It was Voldemort's! "Look, Voldie! Doesn't this look just like you? Ha ha ha! Isn't that funny?"

But Voldemort didn't even look up from the thick instruction booklet he was peering at an inch from his (nonexistent) nose. Bellatrix snorted. He could be so stuffy and tiresome sometimes! So hung up on doing things the stodgiest way possible! If this were Dungeons and Dragons, she felt quite sure that he would be (yawn) Lawful Evil, while she would be sweet, sweet Chaotic Evil. Anything worth doing well was worth doing in the messiest way possible, wasn't it?

A few more minutes later, even after several hefty gulps of Lobe Destroyer, she began thinking that LEGO had been a dreadful mistake. It had brought out their worst sides. Because it had brought out the sides of them that were… (and here Bella shuddered and only made it through due to the powerful influence of alcohol) incompatible. Like… like… like two LEGOs pieces that didn't fit together no matter how hard you tried to make them fit…

Tears ran down Bellatrix's face. This wasn't fair! All she had wanted was a fun romantic date with her favorite prospective boyfriend for her birthday, and instead she was stuck with this horrible revelation of reality and over 6,000 stupid little bits of plastic! This was her worst idea for a birthday, even worse than the time she had tried to get Lord Voldemort to take her to the water theme park and he had insisted on wearing his long black robes everywhere and then complained about being soggy all day. Plus, he had come down with a cold after that, and instead of letting Bellatrix give him a hot bath and doting on him while he sat adorably in bed, he had been sneezy and coughy and just a real drip to be around. Not much of a birthday treat for Bellatrix.

She downed the contents of her flask and felt the familiar comforting burn of the liquor. (It really did burn - Lobe Destroyer was rather strong, but anything less now seemed like drainwater to her.) Suddenly everything seemed better. Bellatrix cheered up. It was still her birthday, she was still on a date, and her favorite prospective boyfriend was soooooo snakey and handsome!

Humming a little tune as she haphazardly clamped more LEGOs together, she recalled the memory of another pleasant birthday some years ago…

FLASHBACK

Bellatrix was absolutely fuming. Her stupid cousin Sirius Black had been a jerk to her again! She didn't even remember what he'd done this time, but she knew she was completely furious at him. She was so angry that she had blacklisted him from her birthday party. Ha! So there!

It was her 26th birthday, and she intended to have a very fine one indeed. Cissy had offered to host it at Malfoy Manor. As Bellatrix swept into the grand hall, wearing the most fabulous of her basically identical long ripped black dresses for the occasion, she saw that Cissy had filled the room with balloons, streamers, and raven skulls. How tasteful!

The long table was full of Bellatrix's favorite things, including fried chicken, more raven skulls, and a Black Forest cake the size of a wagon wheel, bedecked with lit candles. The Black family was partial to Black Forest cake, claiming it to have been named in their honor; Bellatrix simply liked that it was boozy. Surrounding the cake was a neatly arranged ring of Black Forest cake shots. Once Cissy had a theme she looked no further.

"Happy 26th birthday, Bella!" Narcissa cooed. "Make a wish and blow out your candles!"

Bellatrix smiled happily as she looked around the room at many of the people she loved the most. (Rodolphus, happily, was partially concealed behind a potted plant, so she did not have to look at his uninteresting face.) She leaned over her cake, feeling the warmth of the candles on her marble skin. "I wish for... Sirius to be humiliated!" Cackling, she huffed out her candles and slammed back six Black Forest cake shots in a row. Mmm, cherry!

Narcissa grinned. "Aha, I knew that's what you'd ask for! Behold…" She gestured at Snape, who rolled his eyes and waved his wand. Black velvet curtains at the back of the room parted, revealing a makeshift stage. Music began to play.

"Woss this, Cissy?" Bellatrix slurred. She squinted but couldn't see anything on the stage. "Is this a… a…" She wracked her drunken brain for something that would make sense. "A school for ants?"

"What are you talking about, Bellatrix dear? No, this is a special staging of a popular Muggle work of art, Cats: The Musical!"

"Are you sure?" Snape asked suddenly. "Because it's the year 1977, and if we're being a stickler for canon, I don't believe Cats has been performed yet…"

"Shut up, Snape," said Bellatrix and Narcissa together.

Lights beamed on the stage, and the music swelled. From offstage, a man began to sing:

"Are you blind when you're born? Can you see in the dark?"

"What is going on?" Bellatrix wondered out loud.

The music stopped abruptly. A very grumpy Sirius Black walked singing on to the stage. He was dressed as a cat with cat makeup. It was horrifying. "This is child abuse, Narcissa," he sniffed. "I'm just a teenager, you know."

"Never mind about that," Narcissa snapped. Bellatrix looked at her admiringly; in rare moments like these, her sister reminded her almost of herself! "You agreed to do this for your dear cousin Bellatrix's 26th birthday. Get on with it!"

Sighing, Sirius began to sing and dance wildly:

"Are you blind when you're born? Can you see in the dark?

Dare you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne?

Can you say of your bite that it's worse than your bark?

Are you cock of the walk when you're walking alone?

Because jellicles are and jellicles do

Jellicles do and jellicles would

Jellicles would and jellicles can

Jellicles can and jellicles do."

"This song cannot be real," Bellatrix murmured.

"When you fall on your head, do you land on your feet?

Are you tense when you sense there's a storm in the air?

Can you find your way blind when you're lost in the street?

Do you know how to go to the heaviside layer?"

Together, everyone in the room sang:

"Because jellicles can and jellicles do

Jellicles do and jellicles can

Jellicles can and jellicles do

Jellicles do and jellicles can

Jellicles can and jellicles do!"

To their amazement, Sirius just kept going on and on and on:

"Can you ride on a broomstick to places far distant?

Familiar with candle, with book, and with bell?

Were you Whittington's friend? The Pied Piper's assistant?

Have you been an alumnus of heaven and hell?

Are you mean like a minx? Are you lean like a lynx?

Are you keen to be seen when you're smelling a rat?

Were you there when the pharoahs commissioned the Sphinx?

If you were, and you are, you're a jellicle cat

Jellicle songs for jelllicle cats

Jellicle songs for jelllicle cats

Jellicle songs for jelllicle cats

Jellicle songs for jelllicle cats

Jellicle songs for jelllicle cats

We can dive through the air like a flying trapeze

We can turn double somersaults, bounce on a tire

We can run up a wall, we can swing through the trees

We can balance on bars, we can walk on a wire

Jellicles can and jellicles do

Jellicles can and jellicles do

Jellicles can and jellicles do

Jellicles can and jellicles do

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Can you sing at the same time in more than one key?

Duets by Rossini and waltzes by Strauss?

And can you (as cats do) begin with a 'c'?

That always triumphantly brings down the house?

Jellicle cats are queen of the nights

Singing at astronomical heights

Handling pieces from the 'Messiah'

Hallelujah, angelical Choir

The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity

Round the cathedral rang 'Vivat'

Life to the everlasting cat!

Feline, fearless, faithful and true

To others who do-what

Jellicles do and jellicles can

Jellicles can and jellicles do

Jellicle cats sing jellicle chants

Jellicles old and jellicles new

Jellicle song and jellicle dance

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Practical cats, dramatical cats

Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats

Oratorical cats, Delphicoracle cats

Skeptical cats, Dispeptical cats

Romantical cats, Pedantical cats

Critical cats, parasitical cats

Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats

Statistical cats and mystical cats

Political cats, hypocritical cats

Clerical cats, hysterical cats

Cynical cats, rabbinical cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats

There's a man over there with a look of surprise

As much as to say well now how about that?

Do I actually see with my own very eyes

A man who's not heard of a jellicle cat?

What's a jellicle cat? What's a jellicle cat?"

"Honestly, Cissy, what the hell is a jellicle cat?" snorted Bellatrix (not knowing the term was the result of T. S. Eliot's very young niece attempting to say "dear little cat"), but really she was very pleased. She herself could not have come up with a more magnificently humiliating experience for a dog Animagus.

In a brilliant segue, Sirius launched into his second and last song (indeed, by the look on his face, this was the last song he intended to sing for the rest of his life):

"You've heard of several kinds of cat,

And my opinion now is that

You should need no interpreter

To understand our character.

You've learned enough to take the view

That cats are very much like you.

You've seen us both at work and games,

And learnt about our proper names,

Our habits, and our habitat:

But how would you address a cat?

So first, your memory I'll jog,

And say: a cat is not a dog."

Helpfully, the rest of the room thundered:

"So first, your memory I'll jog,

And say: a cat is not a dog."

Bellatrix swore she was almost getting tears in her eyes. This was pure poetry!

As the curtains fell, Bellatrix leaned over to Narcissa. "Thank you Cissy. This is the best thing cousin Sirius has ever done for me. How ever did you get him to agree to it?"

"He owed me a favor or two," said Narcissa with a shrug. Casually, she added, "And I threatened to pack him off to Azkaban instead of sending back to Hogwarts the next time he asked me for a ride. Ha! Wouldn't that be a laugh?"

"Hahahahahahaha!" Bellatrix threw her head back and laughed a lot. Everyone was always going on about sending one another to Azkaban. It was a Black family joke! Black humour! They excelled at it!

And even though she did not snog a single person (who was she going to snog, anyway? Voldemort was out of town, and Rodolphus was useless), it was actually a very happy birthday for Bellatrix that she hoped she would remember forever…

But first, your memory I'll jog,

And say: a cat is not a dog.

END FLASHBACK

"Bella? Bella!" Lord Voldemort's shrill voice jolted her back to her senses.

"What is it?" Bellatrix asked groggily. The memory of that delightful birthday all those years ago had been so vivid and glorious. She was Bellatrix Lestrange! She was the most beautiful and terrible dark witch who had ever lived! She had somehow been treated to a private performance of Cats: The Musical years before it had premiered on the West End, making her perhaps one of the first people in the universe to have seen Cats: The Musical! She was Bellatrix Lestrange, and she did not have to snog anybody to be happy…

"Bella, I've been trying to tell you for the last twenty minutes, I think the LEGO set is done."

Bellatrix blinked and gasped. Sure enough, before her was the entire finished model of Hogwarts, with little classrooms and House common rooms, with the grounds and the Whomping Willow, with the Astronomy Tower and the potions dungeons, with microfigures and minifigures whatever those were…

But actually…

"Voldie…" Bellatrix could hardly breathe. "Is that… us?" She pointed a trembling finger at the two little LEGO figures that stood at the very front of the castle.

"Yes, Bella. Someday, you and I will lay siege to Hogwarts. We will claim what is rightfully ours! We will unleash evil upon the entire wizarding world! But first…" And here Lord Voldemort turned to her dramatically. "I think we should snog."

Bellatrix could hardly believe her ears. Was this really happening? Would the next chapter reveal that this had all just been a dream?!

But for now, she threw her arms around Voldemort. They snogged for hours…

Daylight

See the dew on the flower

And a rose that is fading

Roses wither away

Like the sunflower

I yearn to turn my face to the dawn

Happy birthday