Hi, so here is another chapter and I hope that you enjoy this one. We have only five more chapters left and the next one will be the one that we have been building towards for five very long chapters.
Few things for this one, one, I really do not like Justin's wife. I mean I really do not like her. So if you are looking for an Olive fan bit here then you are not going to get it.
Also we are keeping Mouse in this story. I had to let Nadia go so we are keeping Mouse. We might also be keeping Lexie, I have not yet decided.
Disclaimer-Nothing here is mine just this chapter.
And please keep in mind this one does have significant TRIGGER WARNINGS for alcoholism and alcohol abuse.
And yeah I may have miscalculated timing in this one so please keep in mind the huge time jump between Justin's death and the first episodes of Season 4 where it was hotter than hell.
Please Read and Review and let me know what you think as we enter our end stretch.
Born Under A Bad Sign
Chapter 23-Phantom Pain
The first of Season 4 and the final arc of this story! Hank and Erin are not speaking. Jay is AWOL and grieving. Crowley is out for blood. And Al is just trying to keep everything held together with scotch tape and a prayer. (Several episodes covered in this one). Significant Time Jumps between chapters. Some Trigger Warnings for alcohol abuse.
8th January 2000
Jay was groggy. His whole body was aching but not in the hungover way which had been his standard getting up recently…well…not even recently.
Instead his whole body was aching in another way.
It took him a second to realise what had happened, who he had called, where he was.
There was a shadow at the door and instinctually Jay drew back. It was force of habit by now even though the guy at his doorway did not look like Pat, was too young, too skinny, too…everything that that Pat was not.
"Mom wants to know do you want something to eat?" the kid said looking at him. Jay opened his mouth and then closed it again. He didn't think that he could form the words if he was being honest with himself. He didn't think he could form any words.
"I'm gonna guess yes" the kid said nodding at him. "I'll let her know"
"Who are you?" Jay asked. He felt like he should know but the last week since New Years had been such a blur that it was hard to remember. The memories kept ducking in and out of his head like he was a champion boxer and he was in the fight of his life.
"Justin" the kid said turning around and shooting him a look that was half confusion and half pity with a good chunk of territorial in there as well. He must have been two years younger than Jay was. Jay had worn that expression well too.
"Names Justin. But I don't think you'll be around long enough to remember"
Jay had flashed him the finger from where he could just about move his hand on the bed.
The kid had the balls to laugh before he shut the door.
15th June 2016
Dante's inferno.
That was what the summer of 2016 was in Chicago. Dante's inferno. Heat in Chicago was never predictable. You could have very pleasant summers and you could have summers that were so hot that you could barely breathe. It was all just one of those things that you could never predict.
This summer was Dante's inferno.
Jay didn't remember much of it.
He thought he had been doing quite well all things considering. They had gotten through the funeral, gotten through Olive leaving (though privately he thought good riddance to bad rubbish there) and they had worked as a team the problem was things were shot to shit.
Firstly Crowley had put two and two together over the Kevin Bingham murder and she was actively looking for a weak link. Why she had decided out of the two of them that Erin was the one to go for Jay didn't know because in the mood he was in right now he actually did wonder weather or not he would have the balls to sell Hank down the river.
But try as he might he never could pick up that phone and do it.
What that said about him he wasn't sure. All he knew is that whenever he thought about it he would grip the scotch bottle tighter and pour more of it down his throat.
It was now a bottle a night.
You could bulk buy it on the internet now Jay noticed. You just had to set a time where you could be in to show some ID. And then you woke up the next morning and washed it down with painkillers, pushed the pain away and got on with the job.
(And you prayed they never breathalysed you).
The final straw so to speak took place that day.
Jay had known they were sniffing around the Silos, he could see it in Erin's face, in the phone calls that she was ducking. They had adapted a careful do not talk about Voight policy when they were in the car together because the first time she had tried Jay had gotten out told Antonio in no uncertain terms he was riding with Erin and then had climbed into the car with a very surprised looking Adam who'd had the sense to keep his mouth shut.
"Jay?"
"Hmm?"
"Don't get mad okay?"
"What?"
"Hank knows"
"Knows what?"
"That you're drinking heavily again"
Jay gritted his teeth. He and Hank…no damn it, he and Voight had not spoken since the funeral and that had been bare boned pleasantries only because Al had shot him a look and pointed to the front of the church with an expression that promised death by a thousand case files if he didn't and so he had gone and sat next to Erin who had sobbed her entire way through.
But no, they were not speaking, they were not even bothering to speak. Whenever Jay came out of the locker room and he was there he just brushed past him. When asked a question he would answer it but it was clear to the entire squad what was going on. Everyone knew that they were on the edge.
And Jay also knew that everyone knew why. When this body was discovered (and it would be it was just the law of averages) it would be of no surprise to find out who was buried there and who it was.
But that was not the point.
"Point?" he asked finally. Erin just shrugged that little sad shrug.
"He knows" was all she said. "And he'll let you get away with it because right now it's not affecting anything but at some point Jay…I've been where you have been you know? I know how this is gonna end."
"Erin—"
"I also know" she said in a loud tone effectively drowning him out. "How this is gonna end if someone tells you what to do. You remember honey whatever we are now I have known you since you were fifteen, I know about your streak of independence. You're not gonna stop until you crash and burn. I'm telling you don't do it in the office."
Jay opened his mouth but then the witness they were supposed to be coddling (read calming down after Voight threatened her within an inch of her life) freaked out and let their suspect know what was happening.
And that was how he realised that Erin and Al had already moved the body.
He couldn't bring himself to care.
Erin was always gonna pick Hank. Once upon a time Jay might have done the same but he couldn't make Erin understand that Hank was not invincible. That he was gonna keep using them for shit like this because with the exception of Al they were all he had left now. Because it was always take, take, take when Hank was like this, when it was easy for him to kill rather than do things the way that they were supposed to be done.
Jay had been on the merry-go-round of cleaning up messes that could be seen coming a mile off for a long time. Messes that were not his to be cleaned up. There was nothing that he could do to stop them and everything prevented them. Justin was dead, Hank was on the warpath and Erin didn't seem to realise that Hank wouldn't think twice right now about throwing her overboard too.
Al…well…Al was a lost cause really. Jay had known that years ago.
But he was not going to apologise for the fact that he hated that Hank had dragged him over the line. He had seen Bingham's murder, he knew where the body was buried, he knew who had moved the body and he had a sneaking suspicion where and he had been dragged over the line by the one person who had preached with it had come to Lennie Rodiger that the line was not to be crossed for a reason.
So yeah after that he was done.
To be honest he was done a long time ago.
He didn't look back when he left.
23rd June 2016
"Hey where is Jay man?"
That was Adam and he had been asking daily now. At first they had chalked Jay's absence down to the holidays they had to take before furlough ran out and that had been fine but now it was something else.
"He put in for an undercover assignment" Hank said finally after Adam crossed his arms and stared them down. Erin blinked. Mouse next to her raised an eyebrow as if he too could smell bullshit, he opened his mouth but Erin tapped him once on the hand and then he closed it again.
That was one of the nice things about Mouse she thought. You never needed words.
"An undercover assignment?" Antonio asked.
"Yes" Hank said as if it was perfectly normal for Jay to drop of the face of the Earth. "Gangs asked for him to do a couple of undercover gun buys up near the state border. You know the type, Jay fits what they were looking to sell for. He'll be back within a couple of weeks. Be good for him to clear his head"
Erin took a look around the room and realised that nobody believed it.
It was not that Jay was bad at hiding his drinking. He was good at it, he'd been a borderline alcoholic for years like she had been. The problem was that he was bleeding pain and loss out of every pore and he was bleeding anger out of everything else. He was working well with everyone but Hank and it was clear that everyone knew why but nobody wanted to say. It was like how it was with Just—
But she stopped there. There was no point in even thinking about how it had been like when Justin had been killed and they had known who had done it and yet had no way of bringing him to justice. Because the only other way would have been to give up control and Hank was never going to do that.
But Jay had, had his lines and Hank had dragged him over it and made them both like him in a heartbeat. Erin was already like him, she had no lines she wouldn't cross.
Jay did.
And it was really just that simple. But to everyone and anyone who had not grown up the way that they did it was confusing.
"Sarge" Mouse said finally. "I need to see your computer real quick"
"No you don't—"
"Yeah I do"
And Mouse was already in his office. Erin had to admire the confidence if nothing else and so uncaring of how it looked she sauntered in after him.
There was nothing Hank could do but follow and so he did shutting the door on the avid faces outside and letting Al take the lead.
"Well?"
"Jay is—"
"Sarge" Mouse said with an eye roll. "We know what the official story Is and no doubt there's paperwork backing it but where is Jay?"
"I don't know"
"Sarge I will do unspeakable things to the WiFi here—" but Erin elbowed him. She was looking at Hank with wide eyes and Mouse fell silent.
It was not that Hank seemed sad, since Justin he had an aura of sadness that she had not seen even when Camille had been dead and buried. It was that he seemed almost defeated. Even when he had been going to prison she had never seen him look like that. Only when he had been so sure that Joe Catalano had been going after Justin had she seen him like that. That was Hank cornered where there was no other option other than to fight it out even it meant burning down all your bridges and paying the price.
And looking at him now he seemed to be paying one hell of a price.
"I don't know where he is" Hank said finally. "He took his furlough and he hasn't come back"
"So why aren't we looking for him?" Erin said her heart beating a little with fear. Hank had not asked her if she knew where he was because Hank had known that Jay had not told her.
"Because he's messaging Will and Will is messaging me"
"About what?" Mouse said in a tone that spoke of decades of knowing someone at their worst.
"All Will is saying is that Jay is saying that he is alive, that he is not being held against his will and that he needs some time and some space before he comes back to Intelligence. He's not resigned, he's not wandered off into the woods somewhere he's just gone…"
"And Will won't tell you where he is?" Erin said shrewdly.
"No"
"He'll tell me" Mouse said grimly. "Trust me Sarge I'll get a location out of him in—"
"No"
"Sarge"
"Mouse! No. I don't…I don't want to spook him into doing something stupid."
"Like what?" Erin said scathingly. "He's already drinking himself halfway to death you know that. What do you think he's gonna do? He's not gonna hurt himself more than he already is trust me if Jay was gonna do that he'd do it at fifteen"
Mouse looked between the two of them for a second and then shrugged.
"It's Jay" he said finally. "What else can he do? You just gotta ride it out with him. I don't know what this is, I mean…I don't know if it's a delayed reaction but…but you just gotta ride it out"
Erin nodded. Mouse took the hint and left them alone.
"You think he's gone back to his Dad?" Erin said watching the door.
"Why would I think that?"
"It's what happened the last time"
"The last time was very different Erin"
"Not really."
"Erin I am not gonna apologise for—"
"I know your not" she said cutting him off before he could say the actual words. "And I get why you did it Hank I did. But you could have waited until Jay made it to the car. You knew he had a line and you dragged him over it. You could have waited until we were gone. Instead you…" she shook her head and sighed feeling very tired.
"I thought you and I were okay"
"We are" she said quietly. "I wouldn't have moved…well…I wouldn't have moved him if I wasn't. But I won't pretend that forgiving you is easy. Because like it or not you willingly made us accessories that night and that is a hard thing to live with"
Hank said nothing for a second and then.
"He really hates me doesn't he?"
Erin shrugged. Truth be told she didn't know what the fuck was going through Jay's head right about now. She knew that he was hurting, that he was grieving and that he was more Pat Halstead's son right now than he had ever been Hank Voight's but as to what he was doing…
"Will thinks when he gets back we should have an intervention" Hank said finally.
Erin snorted.
"Good luck with that" she said unable to stop the laughter that was mostly unkind from exploding out of her. "He's really gonna love you for that one Hank. Seriously. You wanna gang up on the ex-Army Ranger and see what happens when he's cornered? You want to drag the team over the line too? Cause if you get Jay cornered he is really gonna lash out and that is gonna be messy."
"I want my son alive" Hank said with that quiet passion that he used whenever he cared a little too much. "I have buried one of my children Erin I can't stand the thought of one dying choking on his own vomit hating me"
Erin folded her lip down on her teeth and bit hard to keep the tears away. Justin was still agonisingly raw pulling and prodding and poking inside of her like a hot knife through butter.
"He's an alcoholic" she said finally. It was the one thing that she had never dared to say out loud and here it was, shockingly, achingly in front of her.
Jay Halstead was an alcoholic.
Erin Lindsey was a drug addict.
Hank Voight was a murderer.
And Justin Voight was dead.
The phantom pain pressed down on her like a thumb to a tender bruise.
"Yes" Hank said heavily. "Yes he is"
And there was nothing more to say than that.
Because they both knew what Jay was doing.
Jay was in fact in Wisconsin.
He had no idea how he had gotten to the cabin in one piece, no idea how he had made it but he had staggered through the door his hands shaking with withdrawal. He had never been like this before, he had never been this desperate for a drink before.
He threw his phone on the couch, his keys on the floor and he fell into the couch reaching for the bottle (one of many) he had brought from the apartment. He cracked it open and drank. He just needed it to stop…he needed to stop seeing Bingham's body that was replaced with Justin's, then with the men that he served with battered and bruised and torn and bloodied, Nadia screaming as Yates killed her. Then it was Camille weakened by chemo, then Jules her head half hanging off, Jin with his neck split open by a bullet, his Mom…Ben…all of it.
The one thing in common that he had was that they had all been in his life. He was the one common thread.
Born under a bad sign.
Too fucking right.
And with that he reached for the bottle again and he drank like he was dying.
Dying, dying, dying.
And the pain pressed down on him like a bruise.
Not at all phantom.
And there we go, I hope you enjoy this one and I will do my best to bring you the next one sooner rather than later. Only five more to go! Please keep in mind there will be another time jump between this chapter and the next and that certain episodes will be reworked.
Next Chapter-Jay comes home but before he can do so he is involved in an accident. The aftermath sees him hit rock bottom nearly fifteen years in the making as he and Hank attempt to carve out a future. In the past Jay and his relationship with both his father and the bottle begin to take form. Significant TRIGGER WARNINGS for this chapter.
