CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
This bed is supposed to be soft. It's always the softest bed she's ever slept in. Not that she has much to compare it to. But right now it feels… hard? No, maybe not hard. Just not soft.
Rey's doesn't like it feeling this way. She also doesn't like being in it without Ben. And yet here she sits, alone, in a not-hard-but-not-soft bed as Ben paces the room in front of her.
The bed's comfort level is the least important thing she could possibly be thinking about right now. Which is precisely why she's doing so.
Anyway, Ben is doing enough thinking about the other thing for the both of them.
As he crosses the room yet again, she notes with a hint of concern that he's favoring his previously injured leg. It doesn't slow his pacing at all, or his mumbling. Words are coming out of his mouth so quickly and quietly that she wouldn't be able to decipher any of them if it was the first time she was hearing them. But it's at least the fiftieth, so.
"Then the loyalist shot from the left. I blocked it. Checked Poe's breathing again. Looked up. Finn swung the saber. Looked back down… Did I check his breathing? Did I miss it? Did—"
"You checked his breathing," Rey cuts in, trying not to let her irritation color her voice. She's only half-successful.
"But you didn't see it. I closed the bond, which was stupid. Maybe I missed something, maybe there was some other injury—"
"There wasn't, Ben. You did everything right. And I know," she continues before he can ask another question, "because you gave a full detailed account of everything that happened as soon as we were safely in the air. You didn't miss anything."
"Then he should be awake by now."
"He got shot in the middle of a battle. That's a lot to recover from."
"If he recovers."
Rey doesn't even bother to stifle her groan of frustration. There's no point — Ben can feel it through the bond anyway. She slides off the bed and moves to stand in front of him. Physically blocking his pacing seems to be the only surefire way to get him to stop.
"You did everything and more for him," Rey says. She reaches up to put a hand on each of his cheeks, forcing him to look at her instead of the ground. "He was breathing when we got to him, he was breathing when we got on the ship, he was breathing when we landed. And until anyone tells me differently, I'm going to assume he's still breathing right now. Okay?"
The amount of stress he's feeling is visceral. Rey doesn't want to look too deeply into his thoughts but she can sense that his brain is running through a hundred different terrible scenarios all at once. Even the muscles in his face are tight. His pulse is visible through a vein in his neck. She's certain if she put a hand on his chest she'd feel his heart beating as plainly as if it was outside his body.
There's nothing else she can say right now. He won't really hear it. So she just keeps looking at him, straight in the eye, willing at least a little of her calm into him. No matter if the calm she's feeling is mostly artificial. If faking it is working for her it should work for him too.
After several tense seconds, his body relaxes, just a little. Just enough for her to lead him to the edge of the bed.
They'd taken one medical droid on the ship with them, and it's lucky they did. Poe had been in terrible shape. His upper back had been smoking, his shirt burned through where the blast had hit. He'd been breathing, but very shallowly, when Ben had hoisted him onto the Falcon in a near panic.
Rey missed the next several minutes during which Ben and Finn raced Poe to the captain's quarters, where the med droid was waiting. She'd only heard bits and pieces through the mental fog that had suddenly surrounded her. She was in a state of shock, she'd noticed absently. Shock over Poe, over Ben's swift action, over her own restraint. Over the fact that they all made it out alive again, even if just barely. She'd still been on her knees when Ben and Finn had emerged, both looking exhausted and terrified.
Finn had tried to help her up, but during their minutes away she seemed to have become affixed to the floor. She'd stayed there as Ben had recounted to the group everything that happened while they fought. Poe had been breathing the whole time — his lungs had not sustained any damage. They got shot at a few more times but Ben pushed them all back. He tried to Force heal Poe as best he could, but he wasn't able to tell how deep the injury went and didn't want to heal a superficial wound and accidentally cover up a worse one. Nothing touched Poe, Ben made sure of it.
Eventually Finn had rushed back to the captain's quarters, unable to stay away from Poe. Rose and Jannah had headed off to their bunks, exhausted and in need of a nap. And Ben had joined Rey on the floor, both drenched with sweat, both shaking, though for different reasons.
That was hours ago at this point. Maybe even a full half day ago. Rey's lost track of time completely. She could go outside to check — she could at least tell if the sun is still up or not — but Ben refuses to leave his room and she refuses to leave Ben.
They sit in silence for what is either an eternity or two minutes. She feels cold. Has she been cold this whole time or is that new?
Her clothes are damp from a mixture of sweat and the fog of that horrible planet. Ben's are too. His shirt clings to him in a way that she would probably admire if most of her thoughts weren't still with Poe in the medical bay.
Everyone was ready for them when they landed. Rose had contacted Kaydel who'd contacted Maz who'd led the charge in getting a room and droids prepared for Poe. They'd stayed on the ship while Finn and Chewie carried Poe out. The rest of them had exited the ship later when some of the commotion had died down, none of them in a proper state to field questions or provide a trip report. Ben had gone straight to his room and Rey had joined him after stopping by the med bay and being told no one except medical personnel was allowed in. She had offered to try to heal him using the Force but was expressly forbidden.
"You've done it too many times, and we don't even know the long-term effects. You and Ben are not to attempt any more of that. Not when we have perfectly good droids and doctors on this base,"Maz had said. And that had been that.
And they've been here ever since.
"You should take a shower," Rey says, when the silence becomes unbearable.
"What?"
"Hop in the 'fresher. Put some clean clothes on."
"Why?"
"It might make you feel better."
She's not really sure if that's true, but it couldn't possibly make him feel worse.
The bond is open, she could pry into his thoughts and figure out exactly what's going wrong in his thinking if she wanted to. But now doesn't seem like the right moment. Some things simply have to be worked through on their own.
"Well," she says after several more moments of silence, "it might make me feel better."
She gives Ben's hand a squeeze before standing up and heading for the 'fresher.
Lukewarm water runs over her skin as she assesses the damage of today's — yesterday's? — battle. She's bruised all over, her left knee is skinned, a callus on her right palm has split open. She places her hand under the stream of water. It stings as the blood and dirt sloughs off. Her whole body aches and she's starting to feel a bit lightheaded. How many hours has it been since she last had a meal or even a drink of water? How much longer can her body sustain this type of damage and stress week in and week out?
She knows what it's like in the middle of a battle, when she feels the Force and her abilities working together to turn her into something stranger than a human but more controlled than an element. It's exhilarating. It feels as if she could go on like that forever. But she also knows what it's like in moments like these, when she can barely stand up straight and the weight of the day feels like a boulder strapped to her back and she knows how fragile a person really is. How much longer can she keep flipping between those two extremes?
The water goes cold, jolting her out of her thoughts. She exits the 'fresher, grateful to her past self for thinking to keep an extra set of clothes here, and changes into a clean, dry outfit.
When she walks back into the room, Ben is still sitting on the edge of his bed, talking to himself. Even without hearing him she knows he's going back over it all again. At least he's stopped pacing.
She sits back down and places a hand on his back. He jumps a little — a testament to how hard he's focusing that he couldn't sense her approach.
"Do you want to go see how he's doing?" Rey asks.
"They won't want me there if he's…"
The bond doesn't even need to be open for Rey to know how that sentence was going to end.
"He's still alive. I'm sure of it," she says. "And no one wouldn't want you there."
"Poe wouldn't. He tolerates me but he doesn't want me at his bedside."
Rey can't think of an argument against that. Ben's probably right. He's certainly not the most likely person for Poe to want to see when he wakes up.
"Well do you want me to go see how he's doing?"
Ben's silent for a moment, then he nods.
"Okay," Rey gently pushes herself off the bed. "I'll be back soon enough."
"You should take your time if you want. I'm okay here."
"I'll give you a little peace and quiet, then." Rey closes off the bond. Ben knows how to find her if he needs her. "Try taking a shower. It'll help."
Rey had hoped for better news. She'd hoped that maybe she'd find Poe awake, or the group optimistically sitting by his bed, or really anything other than a red-eyed Finn standing outside the door saying he still hadn't been allowed in.
She can hear the med droids through the door. She's not sure what they're doing — her medical knowledge is limited to the Force healing she's now been banned from performing — but it doesn't sound particularly pleasant.
It's useless going to anyone else for updates. If Finn doesn't know anything, no one does. Besides, it's dark out now. It must be later at night than she even expected. Most people have gone to bed already, even Rose and Jannah, who Finn tells her he sent away to rest hours ago.
Finn sways a little on his feet as he rubs at his eyes.
"You should sit," Rey suggests.
He takes her recommendation immediately, as if he was waiting for someone to give him permission, sliding down the wall and landing with his knees pressed against his chest. She sits next to him, taking up a similar position.
They sit in relative silence, only the sounds of the droids working and the few people still on the base tending to their ships keeping them company. She knows that technically she's not doing anything more than what she was doing in Ben's room, but somehow this feels productive. As if being physically closer to Poe will help him in some way. It's not true, of course. But still.
Rey's stomach grumbles and the lightheaded feeling comes back. She remembers again that she hasn't eaten all day. It's no matter. She's gone days without food before, she can handle a few more hours.
"You should eat something. There's probably leftovers from dinner," Finn says. His voice sounds hoarse.
"Maybe later."
The silence returns and persists until Finn takes a shuddering breath.
"Is this how it felt?" he asks. "When you didn't know if Ben would wake up?"
"On Exegol or here?"
"Either I guess. Both," Finn laughs humorously. It does nothing to cover over the coil of fear, frustration, and anger she can sense inside him.
Rey remembers those moments when she thought she'd had everything she wanted ripped out of her hands mere minutes after getting it. She thinks of when she was sure the Jedi had abandoned her in that horrible place and how determined she was to not let that be the end. She thinks of how difficult the flight back to Ajan Kloss was, how she made it work despite that only for him to collapse. She thinks of waiting for him to wake up and only half believing it would really happen. She thinks of the helplessness she seemed reduced to each and every time.
"It's how I felt," she says, even more sure it's true now that she's said it out loud."It's the same."
Finn nods.
"I thought it must be. The two of you… you're like Poe and me. Except we can't literally read each other's minds."
Rey nods, even though she's not entirely sure she knows what he means.
"It's more than partners," Finn clarifies before she can ask. "And it's more than a dyad or whatever. It's— it's what you chose. Maybe not at first, maybe you just kept getting pulled together. But then, somewhere along the way, you chose it. And you keep choosing it. Him. Each other."
"That's… exactly what it is," she says, a little dumbfounded he could find a way to speak so eloquently at a time like this.
Finn only nods again and says, "That's how I knew it had to have felt the same for you."
The silence returns. Rey rests her head on Finn's shoulder. A meaningless, yet comforting, gesture. What else is there to say?
Eventually Rey's stomach rumbles again and Finn insists she find something to eat. She gives him one final encouraging shoulder squeeze before standing up and heading to the main clearing.
A few people are still divvying up the remaining portions of food, so it's easy to ask for a couple to go. News must have travelled around the base already, because they hand the portions to her quickly, asking after Poe as they do.
She gives them the disappointing update, or lack thereof, accepts their well wishes as graciously as she can, then makes her way back to Ben's room.
She takes the long route, enjoying the chill of the air and the way it makes her cheeks feel a little numb. She could go for a run later, release some nervous energy, she thinks, even as her muscles burn from the effort of walking after such a long day. Her feet feel heavy and sore. She relishes the sensations, the reminder that she can stay outside until the cold freezes her face, that she can run past the point of her body protesting, that her feet can still move even when they don't want to.
There's so few people out right now it's almost eerie. The base gets emptier every day, it seems. People are returning to their lives and homes and futures, now that they actually have the freedom to think about such things. They're leaving for all the reasons she's still here. Finn's words replay in her head as she looks around. It's what you chose. This base. This life. Ben. Her friends. She chose all of them. She didn't at first, but every day she wakes up, she chooses it all over again.
Ben's door comes into view faster than she expected it to. It's fine. She can sense even from here that whatever space he needed earlier, he doesn't need now.
Rey pushes the door open to find Ben, now showered, hair still damp, wearing fresh clothes, fast asleep on top of his sheets, all the lights still on.
If this was two weeks ago, she'd close the door as quietly as she could and tip back to her cot. But this is now, so she steps into the room, closes the door behind her, and tips her way next to him.
He startles when she puts her non-skinned knee on the bed, then in one fluid motion he realizes it's her, relaxes, scoots over to make room and extends an arm. She crawls to him and nestles into his side as he wraps his arm around her.
"I brought dinner," she whispers. "It's later than we thought."
"I'll eat in a few minutes," he says, eyes still closed. "Is he okay?"
"He's still alive," she replies.
Silence fills the room again. She almost thinks he's asleep, until…
"I really do think I did everything I could."
"I know you did."
"You didn't see it."
"But I still know it."
She reaches to grab his hand, interlocking their fingers.
"Do you think they'll want me to leave? If he doesn't wake up."
"No, that won't happen."
"How can you be so sure?" he asks.
She has to think about that. She has no actual reason to be sure. It's been hours and no one has even been allowed to see Poe yet. Not everyone on this base trusts Ben, and it is likely that some of them might place at least a little blame on him if Poe doesn't recover. But she has to believe that if they chose to forgive him for the things he did on purpose, they'll have to forgive him for trying to save a life.
She's about to say that out loud to him when she realizes his breathing has deepened and steadied. He's too close to being fully asleep for her to want to disturb it with all those words.
"It'll be okay," is what she says instead.
He mumbles what could be assent or a protest, then falls completely asleep. He has an hour or so before his sleep becomes restless, and she's sure tonight will be more fitful than usual. But until then, she gets out of bed, eats a portion of food, then turns off the lights and crawls back in next to him, hoping that tomorrow will be better.
The mood on base is subdued, to say the least. Breakfast is a quiet affair. Rey, Rose, and Jannah eat and make small talk and pretend not to hear Finn and Kaydel discussing the potential new order of command a few seats over. BB-8 follows Finn around, then Rey, then circles to Chewie, a little lost without Poe.
Rey barely tastes her food and no one mentions Ben's absence, except Rose who suggests Rey might want to take some breakfast back for him and then says nothing else on the subject. That puts a small pit in Rey's stomach. She pretends to ignore it, but now that the fear has been sparked it's hard to put away. They might just not want to push him into socialization right now, or they really might not want him here anymore. His status in the group might be even more delicate than she'd assumed. He'd be easy to blame, or at least to distance from. Rey packs up the extra food and tries not to read too much into it all.
Meetings have all been cancelled, and so has training. Rey and Finn didn't have to discuss it for Rey to know that she would not find him in the clearing today.
She heads back to Ben's room, nodding politely when Beaumont Kin tells her he hopes she's okay after yesterday and waving at Lando and Chewie when she sees them doing repairs on the Falcon.
She tries to think of reassuring things to tell Ben. There's not much. Hopefully the food will distract him long enough for her to come up with something.
He's awake and excited to see food when she comes in. He meets her at the door, still with the faint limp he walked with yesterday.
"How's the leg?" she asks.
"It's fine. Just a little sore."
"That battle was a lot."
"Yeah."
"Or it was from the Force healing."
Ben takes the food out of her hands, pretending not to understand, but she can see enough of his mind right now to know puzzle pieces are falling into place.
"You think… by trying to heal Poe… I unhealed myself?"
"Maz thinks it. Maybe. But maybe so do I."
A thought flashes into Rey's mind. What would have happened if Ben had tried to heal Poe's more extensive injuries? She can see it so clearly — Poe restored to full health while Ben fell backwards as the life faded out of him, just like it had before.
Ben sees it too, judging by the shudder that runs through him.
"I probably just put too much stress on it," he reasons. "It's barely been a month since the injury. But I won't Force heal again, just in case. Neither will you."
She'd bristle at the command a little if he didn't bend down to gently kiss her forehead less than a second later, while adding a soft "please."
Probably, he just overworked a recently healed leg. Probably, nothing bad would happen if either of them attempted to Force heal again. But probably isn't quite good enough. Not right now.
Rey doesn't say anything while he eats. She crawls back into bed and rests her eyes, drifting off until some unspecified time later, when she wakes to find Ben lying next to her.
"You can't hide in here forever," she says.
"I'm not hiding. I'm giving everyone space."
"You can't give them space forever."
Ben doesn't respond out loud but she hears the Yes I can in his mind as clearly as if he did.
If she had any evidence that would convince him to change his mind, she'd try arguing with him. Instead she shuts her eyes and wishes she could fall back asleep.
Rey doesn't daydream often. She usually has too much to do. But Ben is silently hunched over his few calligraphy supplies, perfecting each arc and curve — as he has been for the past hour. And no one has given them any news. And Rey's body still doesn't seem to want to go for that run she keeps contemplating. So she finds herself using the Force to lift and drop a shoe over and over again as she fantasizes about a world in which Poe lives and she simply quits fighting, moves to a beautiful green planet with Ben, and spends her days tending to a garden. Never mind that she's not really the gardening type, or that she'd miss her friends terribly, or that no one simply quits being part of the Resistance.
Right as she's readjusting her imaginings to be a bit more realistic, there's a knock at the door.
Ben bolts up even faster than Rey does.
"Mistress Rey, are you there?" C-3PO's voice sounds a little muffled through the door.
Rey jumps out of bed and hurries to open the door.
"I'm here, Threepio," she says. "What is it? What's going on?"
"Oh thank goodness," he replies. "They told me I'd find you here but I was so worried you'd be somewhere else. And then I wouldn't know how to find you. What a terrible afternoon that would be, searching the entire base, unable to share my message—"
"Threepio. What's going on?" she repeats.
"Oh, yes of course. Master Poe has woken up and he's asking for you."
For a swooping second she thinks her legs are going to go out from under her. She grabs the doorframe just in case, as a wave of relief so strong she could drown in it overtakes her. She can feel it coming off of Ben as strongly as she feels it within herself. Ben places a hand on her back and it's as if the air in the room has changed density. Everything feels lighter now.
"That's incredible news. I'll go right away."
Rey turns to wave a quick goodbye to Ben, who nods stoically.
"Tell him I'm glad he's okay," Ben says.
"Oh, no," C-3PO cuts in, "I meant he's asking for both of you. Master Ben, you must come too."
The walk to Poe's room is incredibly short but it feels like it takes forever. Ben clutches Rey's hand the whole time. Word must have already spread around base because everyone is noticeably happier than they were this morning.
C-3PO leads them to Poe's room, where Maz is returning with Finn and Rose.
"The blast was too low to hit his heart, too high to hit his neck, and too off-center to hit his spine. Extremely lucky, all things considered. He's not up to full strength yet, but he's on his way," Maz tells them as they gather outside his door. "Try not to overwhelm him."
"If we do, it'll be a first," Finn attempts to deadpan. The giant smile on his face undercuts the attempt at a quip.
C-3PO opens the door for them, promising to be just outside if anyone needs anything, and they head inside.
The set up of the room is eerily similar to how Ben's was when they returned from Exegol. The beeping monitors, the wires and tubes, the smell of bacta permeating everything.
Poe sits in bed, propped up by several pillows, a half unbuttoned shirt showing a large bandage that wraps around his chest and over his shoulder. He's bruised and there seems to be a bump on the side of his head, but other than that, he looks good. He's grinning, at least.
Finn rushes to his side first.
"How are you?" he asks.
"Would it be cheesy to say better now that you're here?" Poe grins.
"Yes. Very." Their expressions mirror each other.
"Well I'm gonna say it anyway."
Finn almost goes to hug Poe before he remembers his injuries, and settles for a peck on his uninjured cheek instead.
Rose clears her throat theatrically, popping Finn and Poe's little bubble.
Poe turns to look at the rest of them.
"I'm very glad you're all here."
The pressure on Rey's hand tightens a little.
"Rose!" Poe says. "Come closer"
Rose does so. Rey and Ben keep hanging back.
"And Rey of course, how is my little Jedi?"
"I'm good," Rey smiles. "And I'm glad you're good." She still hangs back with Ben, who seems to be halfway trying to hide behind her.
"And Ben," Poe says. The smile fades from his face. Rey can practically hear Ben's throat clench.
"Ben, thank you for being here. Maz told me everything that happened. So when they asked who I wanted to see first, I said I — I really wanted to shake the hand of the man who saved my life."
Poe slowly, a little shakily, extends his hand. The room goes silent.
They've never so much as had a one on one conversation before. Never touched or hugged or gone beyond civil interactions. And not even a month ago Poe had made it clear they never would. But now…
Everything changes so fast, doesn't it?
Rey lets her hand go limp in Ben's grip, a silent message that he should let go of her hand and take Poe's. Still, he looks down at her for confirmation.
He's stalling, she realizes. Because he's nervous.
Go ahead, she sends through the bond.
He takes a shaky breath and steps forward. Rose and Finn step aside, making room for him at Poe's bedside.
It's incredible, Rey thinks, what an outstretched hand can do.
Outside this room, the world hasn't changed one bit. Inside this room, as Ben grips Poe's hand firmly yet gently… everything has. The moment is infinitesimal and seismic all at once. Just two vertical pumps up and down. Just a silent room filled with people who have seen the best, and, more importantly, the worst of each other. Just a few brief seconds where futures Rey never even imagined appear before her, all filled with every single person she loves. She just barely manages to stifle a sob.
"Okay, that's enough sentiment for one day," Poe says with a pat on Ben's forearm. "Who wants to see my battle scars?"
Ben retreats back to Rey and she can feel the relief rolling off of him before he even makes it to her. It's mixed with something else now. Something warm and glowing and good.
She reaches up and flings her arms around his neck as soon as he reaches her. He wraps his arms around her back and buries his head in her neck. To anyone else it looks like a simple embrace. Only the two of them know he's using this time as an opportunity to dry the tears that have pooled in his eyes.
"See?" she whispers. "It's all okay."
They spend the rest of the day chatting in Poe's room. They take turns sitting in the extra chairs they've gathered from around the base as Poe regals them with his version of yesterday's events, which mostly just consists of getting shot, passing out, then waking up to a med droid digging around in his chest. Finn gives updates on what's been going on beyond Ajan Kloss, which doesn't amount to much except a few dignitaries from other planets discussing the possibility of forming some sort of council. Rey mostly stays seated in Ben's lap. She pretends the reason is an altruistic desire to open up a chair for someone else.
People come in and out, some stopping by just to give Poe their well wishes, others to visit for an hour or two. Kaydel stops in after lunch and doesn't leave until dinner, taking Rose with her. C-3PO comes in every hour on the hour to see if anyone needs anything. Chewie and Jannah stop by only intending to stay for a few minutes, which rapidly become a few hours. Lando comes in with dinner for everyone. He eats with them, leaned back against a wall with Rey and Ben who have temporarily given up their seat for Beaumont. As Poe describes his brush with death via laser for at least the third time, Lando quietly recounts to Rey and Ben his own brush with death in a sarlacc pit so many years ago.
It must be late based on the way everyone's eyelids are drooping by the time Maz finally kicks everyone out of the room. Rey climbs out of Ben's lap (they had reclaimed their chair sometime after dinner but before Rose and Kaydel's return), and bids a final goodnight to Poe.
Only Finn is staying behind, so the whole rest of the group exits, gathering outside the door to exchange another round of good nights before dispersing.
"Not that I plan on anyone else getting seriously injured, but we should probably look for a more appropriate place to stay than one of the few rooms designated for medical use on the base," Rey yawns.
"I'm still technically supposed to be isolated." Ben slings an arm around her shoulders. She reaches up and laces her fingers through his. It causes them to walk a little awkwardly and slowly, but she finds she doesn't mind.
"Yes, well. That's only technically."
They reach Ben's room — their room — and Ben pushes the door open with the Force, too tired to bother doing it manually.
"It's been a long day," he shrugs.
So it has.
Rey crawls into bed first. Usually she waits for Ben — he is bigger and does need more room — but it's been a long day for her too.
Ben gets in a second later and pulls her into him, curling protectively around her as if simply being in his arms wasn't already the safest place in the world to be. He reaches up and turns the lights off.
She could fall asleep right now, just like this.
"You didn't have to close the bond yesterday, you know," he says.
"I know. I just thought… you were having a difficult time and if there's anyone who deserves to not have anyone poking around in their head when they're struggling…" She shrugs as best she can when being half crushed by him. "You've had enough of that for one lifetime."
"It's different with you. The bond isn't an intrusion. It's… I like having you there. You make things better."
"You make things better for me too, Ben."
She strokes his hair and drifts off with a smile on her face.
He sleeps through the night for the first time in twenty years.
