Clary left the Lewis' house the same time as Simon did in the morning, although she just walked across the road to her house, rather than getting in the car with him to go to school. It was Friday anyway, and it wasn't as though she had much on at school on a Friday. She had Chemistry first, which she was failing anyway, and then she had gym, which she generally skipped, and then there was a break and then she had History and then there was nothing for the rest of the day, so what was even the point?
Essex ran in front of her, tongue lolling out of her mouth as Clary unlocked the front door, and Essex went trotting inside in the direction of the kitchen where her food and water bowls were while Clary dumped the bag with her clothes from yesterday on the ground at the foot of the stairs. She went to follow after Essex, to make herself something to eat, when there was a sharp rap of knuckles on the front door.
The redhead frowned, turning around the looking toward the door. She really hadn't gotten much sleep last night, and she knew that she had kept Simon up with her tossing and turning, although he hadn't complained. Her hair was in two braids which were a total mess, half falling out, and her eyes felt red and puffy, although she hadn't looked in the mirror that morning. She was glad that Elaine and Levi had both been gone when her and Simon had gotten up that morning, because Elaine would definitely have forced her to sit down and talk.
She wasn't expecting anyone.
Her mum or father might come home, but they both had keys, so wouldn't knock. And the maid and the dog walker both had keys as well, and they didn't usually come this early in the morning.
"Clary! I know you're in there! I saw you walk up!" Came a shout and Clary's eyes opened.
Jace.
Fucking hell.
The last person that she wanted to see right now.
Or, actually, maybe her father would be the last person that she wanted to see, but Jace was definitely low on the list.
There was another knock, and this one was a lot louder, and Clary could ignore him all she wanted, but if the neighbours started hearing him banging and yelling, then they would call the neighbourhood watch or worse, the police, and then this would just explode out of control.
So Clary moved forward and swung the door open, staring up at Jace who had his hand raised, curled into a fist, ready to knock again.
He looked taken aback by how quickly she had opened the door, quickly letting his hand drop back to his side.
"Uh—hi," Jace blinked at her.
"Hi," Clary jerked her head in a nod. Jace licked his lips quickly, and there was a...Strange expression on his face. It was a lot softer, and he was ducking his head, shaggy hair falling forward, and he was chewing on his lower lip, looking almost contrite, which was an expression she had gotten a few glimpses of the past few times that Jace had seen her, an expression that looked out of place.
"I wanted to say thank you," Jace said to her, his voice soft, and Clary's body tensed, her breath catching in her throat. "Thank you for what you did."
"I didn't—I—" Clary stammered, her hand tightening where it was gripping the door frame before forcing herself to inhale deeply. Jace gave her a patient look, and she let herself take in another deep breath, since obviously, he knew what had happened. "That was fast," she muttered before drawing in a breath. "I didn't do it for you." Jace arched an eyebrow.
"Are you sure about that?" He asked her.
"Well," it was Clary's turn to lick her lips, buying time before she answered, letting herself try and think about what she was going to say. "Maybe if...Maybe if I didn't get to know you, and Maia, and Magnus, and the others then I wouldn't have done anything, but that would be because I didn't know about it." She chewed down on the corner of her lower lip and tapped her fingernails against the door. "From what I've heard—and seen," Clary added, thinking about the picture upstairs on the table beside her bed. "Max is a sweet kid. And, while Sebastian seems like an asshole," her voice got harder as she thought of the older man, and the only interaction she'd had with him. "He doesn't deserve to be in prison for something that wasn't his fault. Or something my father lied about." Her face hardened as she thought about what was coming, what was going to happen in the weeks to follow—or maybe even what was about to come even sooner, given Jace already knew what had happened just yesterday with Luke. "Anyway, it's not like my dad is going to do any real time or anything for it. Or my brother. They'll have amazing lawyers who wil make sure it doesn't go to trial or whatever it is that happens."
"The lives of the rich of powerful," Jace snorted, his eyes narrowing.
"That's my life, in case you've forgotten," Clary snapped and Jace pressed his lips together, clicking his tongue behind his teeth. They were both quiet for a long before Jace took a step forward, so that he was right in front of Clary now, and he shifted his weight, his voice low again.
"What you did...You have no idea how much it meant to all of us, not just me," Jace continued. "Max is...Max is going to have a chance to get out, and that means so much." Clary nodded before looking over her shoulder to where Essex was sitting, and then when she turned her head back, she focused her eyes over the shoulder of Jace's leather jacket, toward his bike, rather than meeting his gaze.
"I think you should go now," she told him quietly. Jace was still leaning forward, resting on the foot that was near the tiling of the front step, and he frowned at her.
"What?" He sounded surprised.
I think you should leave," Clary said, her voice firmer this time, even though her face was pale, refusing to meet his eyes, not willing to make it any more difficult for herself than it already was.
"That's...That's not...Is that what you really want?" Jace's voice wavered.
"It is."
"I thought..." Jace licked his lips and tugged his fingers through his hair, looking frustrated. "Look, I was a fucking asshole for what I did to you—"
"You're damn right," Clary retorted and Jace huffed out a breath.
"But I told you that it changed, after I got to know you and—"
"Stop it!" She burst out, not wanting to hear anything further, her hands curling into fists. And Jace pressed his lips together, letting her talk, which made Clary's chest tighten for some reason. She forced another deep breath, mentally patting herself on the back for the sporadic yoga lessons that she took with Kaelie and maybe also for a bit of maturity on her behalf. "I was fine, before you came along. My life was fine. Sure, it's not the kind of life that you want, and my parents were never around and my boyfriend and one of my friends were assholes and fucking, but that was all shit that I could deal with. That was all shit that I could have just—could have gotten over. Not having my parents here and getting used to Jonathan being gone even though he was the only family I could ever rely on, that was—I could deal with it." At this point, her voice had risen and Essex had moved to stand next to her, the dogs body taunt as she pressed against Clary's side, feeling how upset she was. "But then you came along and you showed me this whole other life with all these people you consider family, like Magnus and Maia, and you made me feel like there was something special between us, and it turned out the whole time—the whole time—none of it was even about me! It was about my father!"
"It started that way, but it changed, shit—Clary, you know it changed," Jace interrupted her and Clary just shook her head.
"That's great that you'd told me that now," Clary snipped at him. "But it started on a lie. We started on a lie!" She shrugged a shoulder and made a frustrated sound, pain in her chest. "I can't trust you, Jace."
"I can live with that!" Jace suddenly told her and Clary's nose scrunched up in surprise. "I can earn it back."
"It doesn't work like that, Jace," Clary told him, even though he knew that.
"Look, that family that you said I had, they're all I've got, I love them," Jace moved so that he was only inches away from her, and Clary could smell his cologne and the oil from his bike. "I would do anything for them. Simon and Kaelie—if someone did something to hurt one of them, wouldn't you do anything to make it right again?" Clary didn't answer him, but there was this desperation in his voice as he was speaking to her, and this frustrating helplessness in her own throat that had tears pooling in her eyes and threatening to spill over. "I didn't know you when I first picked you up, that was just...That was just me making sure a girl didn't end up being a statistic on the side of the road in the middle of the night. And you were feisty and hot and—"
"But I told you my whole name that first time," Clary told him evenly. "You knew from that moment forward. Every single time we were together since then, you knew." She sniffed in a very unladylike manner. "I don't know if I could ever have done what you did. You made me feel special and..." Clary swallowed hard and she squeezed her eyes shut. "I just don't want you here, okay, Jace? Please just leave."
"I'm not leaving you, Clary," Jace sounded adamant and Clary let out a frustrated sound and Essex let out a growl.
"Jace!" Clary hated that she sounded as though she was whining, even though what she was asking for wasn't an unreasonable thing.
"That's not how things work!" Jace continued. "You said I introduced you to a whole new family, and that just isn't how family work, they don't just leave each other alone. They fuck up and make mistakes and I fucked up, and I will again, and you will too, but we're going to make this work, I want to make this work—I know you do too."
They were breathing heavily as they stared at each other.
"Jace," Clary began again wearily. "Don't try and turn this onto me. Don't tell me what I want. You introduced me to a family but I wasn't really part of it. We weren't properly a thing. I was never your actual girlfriend, and half the people in your club hated me. Don't try and make this about me just not giving you a chance. I did what I could for your family, and for you, but right now? I just want you to leave me alone. I don't want to see you. I don't want to be around you. And if you care about me, then you'll respect that. You'll respect that if I want to see you, then I will reach out to you. You're just making things worse right now." Jace looked torn as he stared back at her but then he dipped his head in a nod and stepped back.
"Fine," he rasped out, and Clary wasn't sure if it was relief or hurt that made the tears finally fall down her cheeks. " But...Please. Call someone. I don't want you alone right now." Clary just nodded, not wanting to say anything else to him. Jace took a few more steps backwards, even though it was clear that he didn't want to leave. "You know where I'll be, Clary. Come and find me when you're ready."
The tears started falling steadily now.
She wanted to snap at him, tell him that she didn't think she would ever be ready to face him again, but she didn't say anything.
She didn't really know what she wanted right now.
She just didn't want him right here with her.
Clary didn't wait for him to leave, or even to turn around. Once she was sure that he was going, she stepped back and closed her door, Essex still close at her side. She sent off a shaky text to Simon, asking him to turn around and come back home from school, and then she slipped to the ground, leaning against the back of door and wrapped her arms tightly around Essex, her whole body shaking.
