Minoru's POV:
I honestly didn't want to bother with any of my classmates when I came back to the dorm from practicing our new powers. Thank God that none of them were around when I came back inside. We wer-I was really hungry for some reason, more than usual. Mania told me that being bonded to him will make me much more hungrier than before.
Well, power doesn't come free. There's always some kinda trade off and I can tell this new power has a few cons too. One I've already noticed is me not being able to control certain emotions. I know I'm not the best to talk about self control but aside from my perverted urges I keep most other deep emotions to myself. Mostly because I know I probably won't be able to keep it together if I let them out and...I have many inner demons I try to ignore but always seem to resurface.
Like my self loathing...my depression and other negative feelings that have come as a by product of my home life, my school days before UA and of course...because of my urges. It was always easier to try to ignore them until they went away and I forgot about them. That seemed to work…
At least for a while anyways. It was always just a temporary staple on a constant reopening wound that gets worse every time I look in a mirror. Look, it's no secret. I hate myself but it's hard to change all on my own. So maybe-
"Are we okay?" Mania spoke up from the collar of the symbiote jacket as I was gathering up some food to take back to my room breaking my train of thoughts.
"Huh? Oh yeah sorry. I was lost in thought and stuff." I answered him quietly in case someone was close by.
"We sensed we were sad. Why are we sad?" Mania kept referring to me as if we were one and the same. I guess in ways we are but it's kinda creepy.
"A lot of emotions from the past and present. Let's not talk about it out here. Let's wait until we get into the room." I just wanted to hurry back to my room before someone came out and tried to bug me and I know they will after me getting all snappy at Denki and the others earlier today.
I quickly grab all the food I prepared and rush off to my room, thankfully making it there with no encounters with my classmates.
"Sigh...I'm hungry." I sat at my desk table and ate like a starved coyote. Is this what my appetite is going to be like from now on? This would take getting used to. Most of the food I had gotten wasn't anything special or complex. Just mostly heatable things and some that just needed hot water.
"Now then, back to why we were sad." Mania formed his blobby sharped tooth head on my shoulders and spoke to me as I ate.
Before answering I glanced over at the door to be 100% sure I locked it and I could see it was in the locked position. I sigh and turned my attention back to Mania.
"Look dude, sometimes...well more now than usual. I just hate myself." I pause slightly while eating, clench my fist and nearly break my chopsticks. My emotions were starting to slowly become harder for me to control.
"We see. Why is that though? Why do we hate ourselves?" Mania asked while still referring to me and him as one entity.
"It goes back man, way back. 3 years to be exact. My mom is...a fiend. It's the best way I can describe her in one word. A year before these events started to take place my dad left us without a word. Left in the middle of the night and we never heard anything back from him. Mom was pretty torn up about it, as was I. I was only 12 when he left." I set my chopsticks down and take breath as what was about to come next was going to be...emotional.
"Things were very quiet and depressing around the house for a while. Me and my mom would hardly say anything to each other or even spend time together and often at times I would hear her crying in her room. Sigh...I wanted to go in there and try and help her but...I never tried. I was always too afraid to and mostly because I just had no idea what I could say to her." I say with my voice becoming rather monotone.
"However when I turned 13...my mom showed a side of herself I never knew she had. Shortly after my 13th birthday she started opening up and reaching out to me again. Which I was certainly happy about but cause I had missed it but this time...she was oddly more touchy than before." I clasp my hands together as my heart begins to speed up.
"Minoru, our heart is racing. We also feel...fear from us." Mania moved closer to my face.
"Yes and for good reason because of what comes next. At first it was just a little extra physical affection which at first didn't seem too bad or weird. After what happened with dad I only assumed she was just sad and wanting comfort or trying to comfort me after all the distance put between us. Either way it didn't really set off any alarms for me. But…" I grit my teeth as my bottled up emotions began to boil inside me. This was the part I was dreading. I'm not sure how well I'm going to be able to keep my emotions under control with the symbiote amping them up.
"But...then she started getting out of hand with it. The below the belt touching...the kissing...coming into the shower with me….and then...Jesus Christ she made me...do things to her." I clenched by hands so hard they started to slowly bleed.
"We do not have to go into detail." Mania spoke out. I released the grip on my hands as I stared at the blood that stained them. I felt them slowly heal as well but to be honest whenever I get like this...I hardly feel anything anyways.
"Right. Well to sum it up, she used me as her replacement man. Her comfort tool. Controlled me...manipulated me, guilt tripped me and over all groomed me to be a lust driven animal. I tried to fight it for a long time but...I only managed to get through the first year and only half of the second year before I broke and just gave in." I regain my composer slightly and grab some tissues to wipe my bloody hands.
"I thought maybe if I just went along with it and told myself it was okay, that this was normal, that this was just…..okay. It would hurt a lot less. It was easier to submit, then fight on knowing nothing would change. To hold out for a hope that would never come true or await for a savior that would never come. It...kinda worked for a while. Much longer then my other coping methods but in the end like all of them. It only worked for so long." I bring my knees up to my level and hug them as I sat in the chair cradling myself.
"After that...instead of just spending every night crying and feeling sorry for myself, I would loathe myself instead. Wishing so hard I could be someone or something else. Every time I look in a mirror, I hardly see myself anymore. I see her...and what she groomed me into. I hate it, I hate myself, I hate what she did and I hate her...but at the same time. I love her. I don't understand it. Is it solely because she's my mother? Or is it because of how well she's learned to control me emotionally? Either way I can't stand it and it makes me hate myself even more." I took a deep breath and hung my head.
"Don't get the wrong idea...I'm not trying to make all my mistakes her fault. Because I do share a fair deal of blame despite what's done to me. My actions were my own even if they were impressed onto me by someone else and I know I need to stop before one day I cross that line...there's a thin line between good and bad. I walk it every single day, trying so hard to just stay in the middle of both paths but I often lean dangerously close to the bad side every so often. Just barely….staying on the grey road. Once I look over to Mania who's keeping respectively quiet as to let me get out my emotions. I was kinda touched by it. It showed he was pretty considerate.
"They say if you do something for so long and keep doing only that...it will become your life and sadly, this became my life and I'm SO sick of it. Being something that someone else made me to be. I feel like a slave. A puppet. A pawn." I bang my fists on my desk table making very noticeable cracks on the surface. Jesus I really need to get a handle of my new strength.
"You're the worst. You're a scumbag. Creep, loser, bottom feeder, goblin, you deserve the worse. I've heard it all. I don't think there's one insult that hasn't been spat at me or one form of mental or physical punishment that hasn't been dealt to me as justice for my deeds. I get it...I really do. I'm seriously trying to stop...I just can't do it alone. I just end up right back at where I started...no one will help me…" I rest my head on my crossed arms starting well up in the eyes.
"Hmm. So is that why you agreed to have that Ginger haired girl help you?" Mania asked me in a calm voice.
"Yes...I think she's the first person here in UA who even offered to help me with my issue...rather than just chewing me out, punishing me and just leaving me alone to stew in silence. Or much rather...the first person in general." I raise my head, whipping my eyes getting a hold of myself again even for just a few moments.
"Even though I acted like it was a bother or I didn't really care...I was actually really happy when she said that, it's something I've been waiting for so long for. For someone to want to help and mean it you know?" Mania nodded in understanding but stayed silent as I guess he could sense I wasn't finished.
"So yeah, that's my and not because of my urges I was just...genuinely happy and a part of me, the real me is actually looking forward to seeing her again." I managed to crack a very small smile.
"I've thought about exposing my mother, it's just for a while I've had so much holding me back. But now what with all this and the fact I'm living in the dorms. I think I'm ready to start putting it into motion. She'll no doubt be arrested and I can just live here while the staff and law figure out something about my living conditions. It'll be awhile before I graduate. So maybe they'll figure something out by that time. Whatever it is, it would be a hell of alot better than going back to her." I say while rubbing my eyes.
"Hmm. Do you plan to ever tell your classmates aboi-" I swiftly cut Mania off with an abrupt "Hell no and I never will. That's the absolute LAST thing I want. No. I don't want them to turn around and suddenly treat me like a victim because of my….mother. Agh. Let them keep their impressions of me. It'll make it feel all the more better when I rise above the train wreck of person I am and prove their opinions of me wrong. I don't wanna talk about it or be reminded of it more than I have to. I already know I'm going to have to tell the staff and some cops or detectives or whatever about my mom's sexual abuse and I'm already not looking forward to it." I sigh and roll my shoulders and lean back in my chair.
"Hmmm. We see. Tell us Minoru. Do you truly believe you can change?" Mania asked me, this time referring me as well myself rather than us being the same being.
"Well, yes and no. I do think I can be better...but I know I can't be normal. I'm just too broken for that. I've just been broken down so many times that I just can't. I'm beyond complete repair and I've accepted that but I can at least be patched up and held together." I shared the thoughts I had of myself. I've come to terms with this a while. I just can't live like others around me.
"We see. Hmmm. Well we are happy you are not in denial. We want to make a proposal." Mania said to me. I was kinda interested so I nodded in agreement.
"You have your own bad habits. Urges, desires. So...why not have new desires? New urges? A new lust?" Mania smiled with his razor sharp teeth.
"A new lust?" I won't lie, I was kinda eager to hear this.
"You are seen as a trickster here yes? A liar? A manipulator? A trouble maker...you have an act for using your wits to bend and twist others and situations to your advantage." Mania called out my talents. Yes I was good at that but I certainly wasn't proud of it. It makes me feel so low...because I've learned these skills of manipulation from my mother.
Though she was sickening I can't lie she was an expert liar and even greater manipulator. Resourceful being able make something from seemingly nothing.
"Yes, sadly. That's what I'm known for here and shun for. Understandably too." I heave a sigh.
"Hmmm. Then. Why not use that? Use that...against your foes? Use those skills of manipulation to manipulate the battle field. To bend your foes to your advantage. Tell us...we have looked through your recent memories. Please tell us. Do you hate the villains who want nothing more then to destroy you all?" Mania smiled wider.
I stayed silent, I couldn't deny I did. I mean the guys have no guilt over trying to kill or maim teens for crying out loud. Often at times I'd think about how bad they are and kinda be glad I wasn't worse then I am now. Just one bad enough day and I couldn't have been one of them, despite how I got here...I'm glad I am and with them.
"You want to make them pay yes? Make them suffer for killing and making countless others who didn't deserve it suffer too yes?! Who will avenge them Minoru!? Who will bring justice to the ones lost by their chaos? WHO…will give them the justice...the repentance, the retribution they so rightfully deserve!?" Mania's words pierced my very being, I felt this spike in emotion. This feeling of longing...but longing for what? A purpose? A true purpose...I didn't even realize it before I spoke up.
"Me." I say firmly.
"Hahaha, yes! Will you be the one to show them that their actions have consequences?" The symbiote asked sinisterly.
"Yes." I answered quickly as I felt my face tense up.
"Will you show them TRUE despair?!" The purple blob's voice became more manic.
"YES." My fists clenched tightly as I felt my heart speed up.
"Will YOU...be their NIGHTMARE?" Mania was now inches away from my face.
"YES!" I dropped out the chair to my feet and knocked the chair back. My heart was beating like crazy, I felt my blood boil inside my veins. Never have I wanted something this badly!
"Hahahahaha! Minoru...while it is true you are a shattered individual...you are not the worse. We've seen worse. Been bonded to worse. The second host we bonded with was a ruthless thief. Selfish, cruel, cold. Didn't care for anyone but himself. All that mattered in the end was the score. The money. Business." Mania lowered it's blob-like head.
"The third was truly a monster in his own right. A sadistic killer who took pleasure in the slow and painful deaths of all his victims. He's the user of the toxin quirk stored within us. No other purpose other than the sweet satisfaction of killing. Though he wasn't always like that. BUT that is a story for another time. Our point is you are better than both of them. Not perfect certainly, far from it. But you're no murderer of the innocent." Mania said to me. Again like I said before, it always made me glad to know I wasn't as bad as others out there.
"I refuse to be like them. I'll use their powers to forge my own destiny." I declare strongly.
"YES! Though due be careful, traces of their personalities dwell within us. A direct result of our intense insanity and it will begin to influence you if you do not train and reinforce your mind Minoru. Otherwise this madness will engulf and consume you." Mania warned me and I didn't really doubt him, ever since being bonded to him I have felt a very dark hunger.
"Right, right. I'll do my best to fight it off. Now I really have to keep my distance from the others if that's the case." That would really put some heat on me if that became an issue.
"Yes but we trust you to overcome it. As well as your old habits. Rather than lusting for women...lust for power. Thirst for the thrill of battle! Desire the liberation of vengeance! The pleasure of your foes cries of agony and defeat! You've gotta want it! Need it! CRAVE IT…" The symbiote said excitedly. I felt another jolt of thrill surge through me.
"Oh trust me I'm really starting to want it. I need a new high to kick this one I have here now...I'm done being what she made me. Even if this takes several tries, I will teach myself to accept this new desire. I want to change and actually do something meaningful and if making those league of villains assholes wish they were never born so be it." I say while sitting back down in my chair.
"However, kicking my old habits will still be really hard...so can I ask you to help me Mania?" I ask my symbiotic friend.
"Hmmm. Yes we believe we can do that. We shall intercept any attempt to slip back into your old habits." Mania agreed to help me out.
"Okay thanks man. Phew...this is gonna be so stressful. I'm already shook to the core just thinking about all the stuff I'll have to deal with being bonded to you. I'll have to really keep my distance from the others, especially with the girls and I got to keep myself under control around Kendo-san otherwise she'll cut off this little deal of ours and that will land me in even more hot water." I cringed at the thought of having to deal with angry students from 1B and possibly King Vlad too. Seriously to Hell with that.
"We understand your worries. Speaking of your classmates. What do you plan to do about them and your relationship?" Mania asked me while stretching around me like a serpent. It felt oddly comforting so I didn't protest.
"Sigh, once I get a handle on these new kinks. I'll try my best to apologize but I already get a feeling words aren't going to do much. I'd rather let my actions do the talking on how much I want to change, but I'll still give talking a shot. I really don't have much to lose from that really. I've lost so much already." I sigh and placed my right hand upon Mania's goo-like body as if holding it for comfort.
"Hmmm. Interesting, however if it doesn't seem to be working out, don't bother with it for too long. After all you have your own life and goals to achieve. You won't get them trying to play kiss up for forgiveness that will never come." The symbiote told me.
"I know dude...it's nothing I haven't been through before. Listen I'm not oblivious to the things I do. I know what I do fully well...how it affects others, how it makes people view me and the obvious hate and resentment. I know. I really do. And it makes me hate myself a whole lot more for not being able to stop." I felt my chest tighten up, was I really that weak willed?
That I couldn't even stop myself despite all the warnings and rad flags being waved right in my face? Or was I just that engrossed in my own lie that I enjoyed this?
"I was weak. Plain and simple. Too weak to fight back against her, too weak to stay strong, too weak to resist…" I felt a small sting from within my heart as I spoke.
"You do not have to blame yourself completely. You were young and impressionable and she took advantage of that. Of you." Mania tried to console me but sadly those words didn't mean much to me.
"Yeah, I was young back then but again, as I grew up, I saw the warnings around me. The repercussions of my actions. People scowling at me as I walked the damn streets, people in class gossiping me, throwing stuff at me, teachers wishing I would just not show up to class again, people pointing fingers and crying wolf about me, calling me a future rapist and all kinds of vile crap!" I raise my voice and smash my fist on my lap so as to not put another crack on my desk. It did hurt but my emotions were raised to a point to where I didn't even notice the pain that much.
"It was RIGHT in my damn face! And still! I was just so weak willed I fucking...GRRRAAAH!" I let out a cry in anguish and anger as I threw my head down and covered it with my hands as my emotions started to really get the better of me. My face burned with anger as my heart stung with bitterness and regret. My eyes started to well up again, normally I could push back these emotions but this time they were just too great and I just….started breaking down crying angrily and sobbing.
I then felt arms wrap around me, I hiccuped a bit through my sobs as I opened and gazed out my watery eyes to see Mania had sprouted arms to embrace me. His face was just inches from mine, Mania then placed his forehead to mine and gently shut his eyes and began to speak to me softly.
"Breathe. Calm yourself Minoru. Do not worry about any of that. We are here for you. No matter what happens. We shall protect you. No matter what path you go down, we shall be at your side, we will not let anyone hurt you. We are thou, thou art we." Mania hugged me tighter as he spoke, trying his best to calm me down.
To be honest I froze for a few moments. This has to be the first time I've ever been held like this in so long. I felt confused but happy, so happy I hugged Mania back and cried into his arms letting out all my emotions. For once in literal years I actually felt safe, my heart still hurt but having Mania like this with me just made it feel tolerable.
"Shhh. Weep not oh dearest host. We are always here, always. You are never alone. You have us." The symbiote comforted me and rubbed my back. I sniffled a little and began to get a grip on my emotions again.
"Sniff, ahhh. T-Thanks man. I really needed that." I thank Mania as I wiped my tears away and regained my composure. I kinda felt embarrassed for breaking down like that but it's okay. I can tell Mania wasn't judging me and for that I was relieved.
"It is no trouble. You are our host. We must make sure you are determined to keep living." The symbiote said.
"Determined to keep living?...Will to live. Heh, to be honest. I honestly forgot a while ago why exactly I kept living up until now when I had given up so long ago. Oh wait, I remember...hehe. Cause I don't have the guts to take the easy way o-" I was then slapped by a tendril from Mania across the cheek.
"Agh! What the Hell?" I winced in pain as I rubbed the cheek that was struck by my symbiote.
"Do not speak of such things again. That is a cowardice escape and aren't you tired of being a coward?" Mania's voice was stern and very serious. I felt his words stab into me like a needle.
"Yes...I am. Mania. I'll really be counting on you not only as a partner but...for also emotional support. I just can't do this alone. I've tried so many times to get myself out of this on my own and each time I just….end up falling and each time I fall harder than before." I hold onto Mania tighter.
"Again, I'm not oblivious to the things I do...or the consequences they can bring. Not a day goes by where I don't think of every single mistake I've made coming back to throw me down a hole so deep I can't see the smallest hint of light and not only that. When I think about it.." I trail off and look down at the floor.
"I think about the villains we've faced. From the USJ, the camp incident, that mega boss villain guy All Might fought at Kamino. All of them. I think of them all and think about what made them what they are. How did they become who they are? Why did they become who they are? We're just born bad? Did something in their past force them to become villains? Did people push and pick on them? Calling them monsters for things they couldn't help and just needed help with? But no one cared to help? I honestly don't like to think about the being born bad theory…" I clench my teeth at the very thought. I mean, being destined to be evil from the moment you were born? How unfair can that be?
"So then I considered the other options I just said on how they became evil and then I realized...I'm not far off from where they fell off from. I'm dangling off a cliff here. Just barely managing to cling to the edge and once I lose my grip and fall...I'll end up just like one of them. It'll just take 1 bad enough day. Just 1 to finally push me fully off the edge and end up as just another villain and that scares me so much." My body shuddered at the very thought of ending up on their side. Easily one of my top fears.
"Minoru. Do you WANT to be a villain?" Mania asked rather casually to my surprise.
"N-No. I don't. Not at all." I answer the symbiote quickly.
"Then don't. Become whatever you want to be and we will help you gain that desire. The desire to change and the desire to gain your own destiny. Minoru...your inner darkness is not a bad thing." Mania said and that really caught my attention.
"It isn't?" I tilted my head wanting him to explain a bit more.
"Your inner darkness can be a powerful weapon and fuel source to help you gain strength but only if you remember that it is a tool and you are the wielder. Yes using the light is helpful but as you said yourself, Minoru...you simply c-" This time I cut Mania off myself.
"Can't be like the others. Yeah I know. I can't live like them. I can't be a pure goody goody that always does the right thing, colors inside the lines and always makes the morally ideal choices...I can't do that. Like I said, I'm broken beyond repair. I can only fix myself with the small handful of pieces that are salvageable and make them into something new. The light is...very faint for me. But I won't lie, I do have a lot of darkness inside of me…" I place a hand to my heart thinking of all the pain, sorrow, regret, anger, and ugliness in my heart.
"Do you think you can harness it? Make it a tool? Draw strength from it?" Mania asked with a glimpse of hope in his voice.
"...Yes. I can. I'll do it. I'll embrace my darkness to get stronger. I'll be a hero like no other. A hero who uses the evil within to fight back against the villains!" I raise my voice with my spirit rising once more.
"Yes! Because nothing beats or kills a monster faster...than another monster.~" Mania's manic smile returned.
"Villains shall fear us and we will show them the error of their ways by showing them there are MUCH, much worse fates in this world than they know and as they rot behind cell bars our face will haunt their dreams, tormenting them endlessly! Scaring them away from the path of crime forever! Hahaha! We will watch this with glee!" Mania laughed insanely.
"Hehehe, I like the sound of that. Teach me Mania...teach me how to be like you. Teach me how to relish combat, the chase, the thrill. Teach how to come to love it all." I pleaded with Mania. I needed this. I needed a new addiction other than girls.
"Oh we shall. We shall Minoru. But first...what say we get rid of some stuff in here, yes?" Mania asked and I took a look around the room and remembered my female her posters, my bookshelf hentai manga books and regular manga books, some dirty magazines as well stacked up near my laptop.
"Yeaaaaah, we should probably do that. Can't really kick an addiction if you're always around it huh? Not only that, now I'm gonna have to go out of my way to avoid the girls. Siiiiigh, this will be FUN…" I roll my eyes sarcastically.
"What about that Ginger girl?" Mania tilted his head.
"Naw, she's cool. She's gonna help me kick this remember? She may be the only girl willing to do so, soooo I'm gonna try my best NOT to fuck it up. Key word being try cause being bonded with you amps up my characteristics." I grit my teeth just mentioning this. He had poor control before, what fresh Hell would this bring?
"We'll make sure to give you a subtle nudge if we think you're about to do something that could compromise us." Mania assured me.
"Phew, thanks. Hmmm...while we're cleaning up here. I wanna think of a new name for my hero persona. Something that will really fit this new anti-hero vibe we got going on." I rub my chin thinking on a new name.
"Awww. No more Grape Juice?~" Mania joked.
"Aghhh, stop looking through my memories damnit!" I curse at the symbiote.
"We're learning all your seeeeeecrets.~" The jerky symbiote taunted me and I tried to strangle him by grabbing what I guessed would be his neck even though he was kinda like a goo-like snake thing, protruding from my shoulder.
"You do realize you're not really harming us right?" Mania smiled at me.
"Gaaaaaah. I'll get you later. Let's just clean the room for now. We can get back to the name later." I groan and run a hand over my face.
"Very well. This won't take long. Here's to us Minoru." My symbiote smiled at me and despite the rows of razor sharp teeth...the smile was actually kinda comforting.
"Yeah to us. Hehehe. We feel much better. Hm. ( There it goes again. I referred to myself as we…)" I noticed Mania seemed pleased with what I said. I raised an eyebrow but decided to leave it alone. I looked out the window and noticed it was getting kinda late. By the time we finish up here it will probably be dark out.
"( I think I'll turn in early once we're done. Today was exhausting. I have a lot to deal with tomorrow with classes. Also for some reason my body just feels so sore, it had ever since I came back after training with Mania. Maybe it was just the practice. Either way, right after this I'm crashing in bed so this long day can finally come to an end. )" I sigh as I get some boxes from my closet to start packing up my lewd crap.
"( What a day. )"
To Be Continued...
