Note: visit this link for translation of Nadsat words from A Clockwork Orange wiki/Appendix:A_Clockwork_Orange
A Beethoven symphony was playing on a gramophone as two vampires French kissed so graphically, it made sex look like a Sunday at the church. Both were dressed in white coveralls, codpieces, suspenders and black bowler hats. The boy vampire was wearing fake eyelashes over his right eye while the female one had blue hair.
"Oy, this is better than any knives, right Jessica?" the male vampire said. The room was full of corpses and graffiti written in blood.
"Ay, Leif. Nine more and they'll make us stronger and we'll live forever." Jessica said as she licked the blood off her lips. After a few moments, she asked, "Leif, malchick?"
"Yes, malenky devotchka?"
"Do you want me to suck your panhandle with my goobers?"
Leif looked around at the corpses littering the room.
"Those lewdies will become ghoulie droogs soon."
"Even more horrorshow. They'll watch us lubbilubbing."
"Those krovvies made you bezoomny like Moloko Plus with Synthmesc?"
"And made you viddy bog and devil too."
"Ay, me too." Leif said as he opened fire with his submachine gun on a moving ghoul while laughing maniacally. He suddenly became serious. "Just don't bite it with your vampire fangs like last time."
Seras came out of her room to look around the mansion. Two agents came in with a briefcase. One had blue hair and triangular orange sunglasses, the other one had round goggles, carried a drill, and had a weird cross between a pig and a mole on his shoulder.
"Don't feed on them." Integra said sternly.
Seras scowled at Integra. "I'm not like that!"
"Oh yeah? Who the heck do you think I am? The little lady can drink as much as she wants!" The blue-haired agent removed his jacket and shirt to reveal tattoos on his ripped body and used his belt as a tourniquet to make his veins bulge. "My muscular body's mighty veins hold more than enough to feed an army of vampires! So let the drill pierce the heaven and your fangs pierce me, who won't feel any pain!"
"Stop it, Kamina." The smaller man with a drill said. "You're embarrassing yourself. And pull your pants back up!"
When Integra took the documents from Agents Simon and Kamina, to her office, she lit a cigar and called Alucard.
"You taking Police Girl in were unusual enough. But Demon Boy and Christy will be hard to train. Don't do it again. But what do I do with the Care Bears and Cousins in Hellsing?"
"But we're not members of Hellsing." Noble Heart Horse said, as he and True Heart Bear stepped out of the shadow. "We worship the Wishing Star now, but we used to worship God like you do. When we were still human."
"And Dark Heart spent centuries tormenting us, before we found Care-a-Lot." True Heart Bear added. "We would feel a lot more secure if Danny Hart stayed Danny Hart, and not become Dark Heart again."
"Or better, remained human." Noble Heart said. "And to cure Christy of being a werewolf so she could return to Nicholas Cherrywood's care."
"We'll deal with that later." Integra said "Now the Hellsing Organization must deal with two vampires travelling north and killing families."
Seras came into her dungeon room to find an ice bucket with a packet of medical blood in it standing on a little tablecloth. There were a candelabra and a wine glass next to it. She was very starving. Seras smiled, revealing her fangs. Then, her expression became fearful as she knocked the bucket off her table.
"Hey, Miss Victoria? Are you having lunch?" Christy said as she walked in with a beer glass full of raw egg, with some Tabasco and Worchestershire sauce. "My new body is hungry all the time like you cannot believe! This is my second glass tonight of Rocky Balboa Cocktail as I like to call it and…are you ok?" she said as Seras went to cry on her shoulder.
"What's wrong?" Christy asked as she hugged Seras with one arm, being careful not to spill the eggs.
"Oh, Christy. I'm no longer human." Seras sobbed. "I'm a bloodsucking monster, and everyone I cared about is dead. My parents, my fellow police officers at Division 11. Everyone!"
Christy carefully placed her egg cocktail on the table, then lightly but firmly slapped Seras.
"Am I dead? Is Danny dead? Are the Care Bears and Cousins dead?" Christy said as she shook Seras "Get a hold of yourself, Miss Victoria! So what if your eyes are a pretty looking shade of red? So what if you are sensitive to sunlight and religious items? You have the strength of twenty men! Me and Danny are not human, either!"
Christy pulled Seras up to face her "Look at me. Before I met Danny, or Dark Heart as he called himself, I was weak. Slow. Frail. Clumsy. Everyone bullied me and my friends. Then an Evil Danny snapped his fingers and I could beat everyone at any sport, and humiliate those sons of bitches like they humiliated me!"
Christy said, her eyes turning yellow. Then, she caught herself and calmed down. "Well, I don't recommend making bargains with evil beings, but we're both strong beyond belief." As she said it, she cut a groove into the rock with one claw. "We can make new friends, and protect them with our newfound strength. I can't wait to see the looks on John, Dawn, Mr and Mrs Cherrywoods' faces when I show them how awesome I am!" she said with a grin as she did a backflip. "I mean, we can bend steel with our bare hands! And more importantly, you have me, Danny, the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins to cheer you up! Anyone who is mean to you will get a faceful of rainbows, bullets, fists and fangs! We're your Division 11 now. Even the old jerk Fergesen. Now did I make you feel better?"
"I guess." Seras said as she remembered all the bullying she experiences. Christy had a point. They were both victimized as children by everyone, which is why she became a police officer in the first place. "Yeah. I still wish I could eat ice cream."
"Did someone say they wanted an awesome taste sensation?" Danny said as he appeared Robin Williams Genie style with a bottle of wine in one hand, and a six pack of beer in another. "I brought this from the wine cellar," he said as he placed the bottle on the table "…and bought this on my Hellsing Organization salary." he said as he shapeshifted his face into that of an old man. "Nobody asked me if I was old enough to drink."
"Alright!" Christy said as she reached for a beer, only for a Gorilla Danny to grab her wrist.
"Ah ah ah. No touchy, my dear. It's for our sad vampire sister. You're still underage my little soulmate, which means our Care Bear Buddies will Care Bears Stare my butt into next century if they catch you drinking." Danny said, before Christy easily twisted his arm behind his back with her werewolf strength.
"Oh well. If you can't beat them, join them." Danny said as he opened another beer while Seras poured herself some wine.
Meanwhile, Leif and Jessica stood outside the Cherrywood Foster Home.
"Did you remember to kupet new paintbrushes to draw graffiti with these lewdies krovvies?" Jessica asked "The starry brushes are covered in dry krovvies."
"The starry vek must have some in his domy. Let's try the first plan, then try to go through his domy's okno."
A knock on the door startled Mr Nicholas Cherrywood from reading a book.
"Hello? Anyone home?" Leif said in a desperate voice. He was covered in (someone else's) blood and was supporting Jessica. "We crashed our scooter. My girlfriend is hurt. Can we use your phone to call the ambulance?"
"Oh dear." Mr Cherrywood said "Hold on a minute. I'll call the ambulance."
"Please, could you let us in?" Leif pleaded "Do you have a first aid kit?"
"I'm sorry, but I heard in the news there's a murderer walking around. I won't open the door. Now be patient while I make the call."
"This is chepooka. Let's just break inside." Leif said as he pulled out his gun and kicked through the door.
"Come in out, starry vek! We'll oobivat you and your zheena, then we'll peet your malenky ones' krovvies while they're still alive!" Leif shouted as he burst into the house and opened fire with his gun. Then he began to sing,
I'm singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again.
I'm laughing at clouds.
So dark up above,
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love.
Let the stormy clouds chase.
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singing,
Singing in the rain
Dancing in the rain
La ri la la ri la,
I'm happy again
I'm singin' and dancing in the rain
I'm dancing and singin' in the rain
Meanwhile, as Seras came to the shooting range, the rest of the Hellsing soldiers looked away from her suspiciously. She reached for a gun when Captain Hendersen handed her a larger rifle with a shit eating grin.
"I can't use that, it's too heavy!" Seras said. The other soldiers stopped their practice to look at her and smirk. "Oh, I get it," Seras said as she picked up the gun, surprised at how light it felt.
"Is it a new model, made from plastic resin?"
"It weighs 33 pounds without the magazine." Hendersen answered.
"Is it really that heavy?" Seras asked as a tiny red bird landed on her shoulder.
"Don't mind the girly pretty boys, Miss Victoria. They're just jealous of your gun because they have tiny pee pees." Danny said as he shifted to human. The rest of the men glared at him with murder in their eyes.
"What's all the commotion about?" Lots of Heart Elephant said from behind Hendersen, startling him. The elephant was wearing a green army cap and a much too small shirt with aviator sun glasses in her pocket.
"How did you get here?" Hendersen asked.
"Nobody notices…"she said as she put on her aviator sunglasses on "…The elephant in the room."
YAAAAAH! Dun dun dun!-A sound effect from CSI :Miami sounded somewhere.
"Besides, Miss Victoria is as much a person as any of you." The elephant continued "She's just has different strengths, weaknesses and dietary needs, and I'll gladly put a needle in my arm for her. And that's the truth!"
"Way to say it, Pinky." Danny said as he was about to pat the elephant on the shoulder only for her to glare at him suspiciously. "Oops. It's my powers, isn't it?"
"Sorry, Daniel. But with you getting your Dark Heart powers back, it was, well, uh…"
"I gotcha, Big Pink." Danny said.
"Thanks guys, but you don't need to do this for me." Seras said "I can handle myself just fine."
"And I recommend that you stop making everyone you meet angry, Mr Hart, and join Officer Victoria and Miss Lots of Heart on the shooting range." Hendersen said in frustration.
Despite her superhuman strength being able to handle the recoil, Seras hit the target in the right side.
"Not good enough, Victoria." Hendersen said. "It would kill a living target. But when dealing with the undead, you need to aim at the heart, right here." he said, and tapped Seras' chest where the heart is. Then, he sniffed "Have you been drinking?"
"I stole a bottle from Alucard's personal stash." Danny answered for Seras.
"I assume you mean hit a living target only theoretically." Lots of Heart said. "We don't kill anyone who won't die from a Care Bear Cousin Call or a Care Bear Stare."
"In the field, we eliminate any hostile targets that will kill our soldiers. Human targets or otherwise." Hendersen said as one of the soldiers grumbled, 'Self-righteous freaks.'
"Now why don't you try it?" Hendersen said.
Lots of Heart concentrated and the symbol on her belly to produce a pink heart-shaped submachine gun (much to the other soldiers' amusement) and held it in her trunk. Their amusement turned to envy when she created a heart shaped hole with the stream of bullets in the paper target's chest.
Danny poofed a 19th century muzzleloader gun with a bayonet and a red army uniform on himself, shot and missed his target much to the other soldiers' amusement. Then in frustration he turned into a gorilla and picked up two guns and opened fire at the target while screaming in rage, covering the outside of the paper in bullets but completely missing the target, much to the other soldiers' laughter.
Suddenly, an alarm began to sound.
Integra expertly shot a humanoid target through the heart with her small caliber pistol, shooting through the same hole multiple times.
"Hendersen's squad closed route 17. We're planning to remove the Bonnie and Clyde in the next two hours."
"They don't even know what they are." Integra said "Vampires with no self awareness. This kind has never existed before."
"So it seems."
"Do you miss going out in the field again, Walter?"
"I do miss it, but nothing pleases me more than serving you, Sir Integra." Walter answered.
"Um, excuse me?" Christy said from behind Walter.
"How did you get here, Miss Cherrywood? This is my private shooting range." Integra asked "And your breath smells of alcohol. You're underage. I'll have to punish Demon Boy for it."
"Ooh, this looks fun. Can I try?" Christy shot a metal ball bearing like a marble, making a bigger hole exactly where Integra hit the target with bullets.
"I just wanted to ask, Lady-I mean Sir Integra, when I can see Mr Cherrywood again?"
Integra looked at Christy sternly. "You will never see him again."
"What? But why?"
"Firstly, you are a member of the Hellsing Organization because you are too dangerous to interact with normal humans anymore. Second, our rival organization Iscariot will kill you, Police Girl and Demon Boy if they see you. And third, Nicholas Cherrywood and his entire foster home are missing and are presumed dead by the vampires that we are going to hunt."
"What?"
"Nobody is killing our friends," Brave Heart Lion said as he, Grumpy Bear, Swift Heart Rabbit, Nurse Bear and Tea Time Bear came out.
