AN: Hey, so… I am going to be honest with you really quickly, about why the updates are going so slow, if that isn't something you're interested in knowing, then feel free to skip this AN. Mental health is a real thing, and the truth is I am not doing the best right now. I am not saying this to get attention or to make people worried etc., I am simply saying it because even though writing is a big big big passion of mine (and one I hope can eventually lead to a published book or two in the future) then most days I do not have the energy or headspace to write a chapter (or write at all), so therefore I am forever thankful for your patience and kind words to my story, I promise with everything I have that I will finish this story, it will just take a while for now. Anyway, ramble over, if you made it this far thank you and if not, fully understandable. I hope you enjoy the 3rd chapter.
Chapter 3
One thing you know about the future is that it is never certain. One minute you could sit in front of the fireplace, a glass of wine in your hand with your fiancé cuddled in closely to you. You could talk about the future, where to build your family home, when to have kids, what to name said kids. Where to spend the holidays, where to spend the honeymoon, if it should be a big or a small wedding. And then it can all change. Suddenly all of the wedding appointments are exchanged for chemo therapy, and the savings you had for the future pregnancy, are spend on medical bills. The biggest day to celebrate what was supposed to be a happily ever after, is now forever a constant reminder of what you have lost, the things you never got to experience and do, the trips you never went on. You find it hard to go on, it is like a piece of your soul is missing and you will never be able to retrieve it, like you were wounded. And Arizona doubted she would ever fully heal.
"Have you heard?" Teddy asked, as she put her chart down on the nurse's desk, before looking over Arizona her shoulder to see what case she was supposed to be looking at, but obviously her head was elsewhere.
Arizona cleared her throat as she snapped out of her thoughts, "Heard what?".
Teddy looked at Arizona and could see that she was trying her best to seem like her bubbly self, but that something was brewing behind her cloudy eyes. "That we are most definitely merging with Mercy West, at the end of next month, actually".
"Well… we both knew it was going to happen, sooner or later" she said distractedly as she put her hands into her lab coat "might as well get it over with". She added with a shrug as they walked towards the elevator.
"Yeah…" teddy answered with furrowed brows, and didn't say anything else, until they were inside of the elevator. Once the door closed and the elevator started to move, she pushed the stop button. "What's wrong?"
Arizona raised an eyebrow while looking at her friend "does there have to be something wrong?"
"Your mood is off" Teddy kept looking at Arizona as she gave her some weak answer about not having slept enough until it clicked "it's today…" she said, before taking out her phone and seeing that it was in fact the date she had in mind "why didn't you say anything? Or you could have taken the day off?"
Letting out a sigh as her façade dropped, she answered "I need the distraction that work can bring, Teds. I need to not think about today. I need… I need to work and then I am going to Joe's and I am going to drink and then I am going to go home alone, and hopefully not cry my eyes out, like I have done on the last 2 anniversaries"
"Arizona…"
"Don't", Arizona cut off her friend before she could say more "I really don't want to talk about it, I have a hard time already, so please, just…" Arizona said as she crossed her arms over her chest, as if she tried to shield herself from the questioning "tell me more about the merger. Please?"
Teddy studied Arizona for a while, she wanted nothing more than for Arizona to open up, but knew better than to push her friend. For now, that was. "Alright, well… I don't know much more than we already knew. We are going to merge together, which means some people will be fired. But I'm hoping that since they are coming to Seattle Grace, that we aren't the ones who are asked to leave".
Arizona ran a hand through her blonde curls "it is going to be chaotic for a while" she mumbled out, her bottom lip finding its way between her teeth.
Teddy nodded in agreement "It is, but… nothing you and I cannot handle" Teddy answered, pushing in the button again so the elevator began to move. "I think you are pretty clear as head of peds though".
"What makes you say that?"
Teddy shrugged as she put her hands into her lab coat when the doors opened and they began to walk towards the cafeteria "I have heard about Dr. Stark over on Mercy West, apparently he is a real ass".
"Yeah, Callie doesn't speak well of him either" Arizona mused as they got in line for the food.
Teddy looked sideways at her friend, a smirk slowly forming on her lips "Callie?"
"Huh?"
"You said Callie, as in Callie Torres the childhood friend you have been rekindling with the last few weeks?" Teddy asked, having noticed Arizona mention her more often over the last few weeks, after bumping into her at Aria's grave.
"Uh yeah?" Arizona said as she frowned slightly when she noticed the look her friend was giving her "what is that look for?"
"Nothing" Teddy shrugged as they began to move towards a free table, once they had food on their trays and were away from potential prying ears "I'm just curious, you've hung out a few times, right?"
"I mean, yeah…" Arizona said as she began to eat her lunch "We've been hanging out, nothing big"
"So… You don't… You know… Want to tap that?" she asked and couldn't help the laugh that came out as she saw Arizona's eyes widen as she choked on her drink.
Arizona's drink flew out her mouth and nose as she heard Teddy's words "Theodora Altman!" she hissed as she desperately tried to hide the blush on her cheeks that she told herself came from the embarrassment that half of the cafeteria had just witnessed when her drink came back out, and not the fact that it might be true, that she might like Callie. Since the dinner they had met up another few times, mainly for lunches sometimes followed by a few walks around Seattle and single dinner, and Arizona had to admit she really enjoyed spending time with Callie, and the younger woman were finally coming out of her shell, and Arizona loved it. Callie's laugh was infectious, the glint in her eyes she got when she was about to make a cheeky comeback, and the way her lips turned into a smirk when she teased the woman. God, those lips… Those curv- 'No, Arizona! Stop that!' She quickly shook her head to try and get rid of any inappropriate thoughts about Callie and reminded herself that they were just friends and Callie wasn't into her.
"What?! I am just saying… You could use the sex" Teddy said with an unapologetic shrug before biting down on her fries "You used to have your fair share of bed partners before Em-"
"Don't say her name" Arizona said with a small snap, all of the fun and banter that had filled the air around them were instantly gone as Arizona's mood changed.
Teddy held up her hands and looked at her friend "sorry, I didn't mean anything by it Phoenix"
Before Arizona could answer her phone started to ringing, and she let out a small sigh as she saw who it was. The name 'Callie' was written over her screen, and she knew Callie wasn't one to just call, so she picked up the phone "hey, what's up?"
"I need your help", came from the other end of the phone.
Arizona could hear the frustrations in Callie's voice and she was quickly alert "are you okay? What happened?"
"I am fine, it is just, ugh!" Callie said as she ran a hand through her hair "I have this this this peds case, it is a small baby, Lisa, she needed a liver transplant, and then there wasn't enough room for the liver in the peritoneal cavity and then the monitors started beeping and we had to stop the surgery after Dr. Stark used a sponge to take the pressure off of the vessels, so we couldn't close Lisa up. I know swelling happens a lot when it is an adult liver we used, but this whole not closing her and using a sponge just… it is such a high risk of infection and the liver might not swell down at all!" Callie all but ranted as she paced back and forth in the supply room she had walked into earlier.
Before Arizona could even answer or try to understand it all, Callie continued "He didn't even fucking tell the parents! He just told them that they could see Lisa once the swelling had gone down, he didn't tell them the risks of infection and the fact that she I laying with an open gut right now. So, I confronted Stark about not being worried enough and he told me to come up with a better solution, but I couldn't, not in the moment of it all, so he sent me to do his post ups. But I have an idea now, I have an idea and I know it could work! Which is to use a small ping pong ball that I sterilized, but just as I was talking to the other resident on the case about it Dr. Stark came in. I told him that the ball has the perfect shape to keep the pressure off of the vessels and it is made out of celluloid, so there are barely any risks with infections. And you know what he told me?" Callie asked, her words coming out faster the more furious she got "he just outright told me to stop playing with balls and do my damn job, but I am doing my job! He should be doing his" Callie spat out before she went off on Arizona in Spanish, her anger towards Dr. Stark grew the more she explained the situation to Arizona.
Arizona sat back in her chair with slightly wide eyes as Callie continued to rant on the other side of the phone. Not knowing a single word of Spanish she decided to speak up "Callie, why… What do you need my help with exactly? Not that I mind helping, but wha-"
"Is it possible? To use the ping pong ball? Tell me I am not delusional but that Dr. Stark is just not seeing the possibilities because I am only a resident and not an attending" Callie almost pleaded. She had stopped pacing and was now standing, waiting for Arizona's opinion on it all "tell me the surgery would work…"
"Calliope…" Arizona said. Over the past week she had started to use the woman's full name more, and Callie had never seemed to correct her. "I am not the one to say if the surgery should happen or not. Dr. Stark is head of peds at Mercy West, I have no say in anything, and if he doesn't see your vision, then my opinion won't matter" she tried to answer without fully answering. The truth was, Arizona thought it was a brilliant idea, and she was sad to hear that Callie wasn't being taken seriously as a doctor.
"Don't try and be smart now Arizona" Callie huffed out, seeing right through what Arizona was doing "I asked, if you thought it was possible. Tell me I am not dumb and that my plan could work. Or tell me if it can't. I don't want to fight for a surgery if you seem to think it will not work" Callie said before a sigh escaped her "please?"
Arizona bit down her bottom lip, not knowing if it was a good idea to tell Callie what she thougt or keep it to herself. But Callie wouldn't have called her, if she didn't believe her vision, and believed in her solution. Deciding to be honest and give kudos to the woman, she answered "the surgery could work" she confirmed softly, "But Ca-"
"That is all I needed to know, thank you" Callie said as she checked the time "I have to go, I have to catch Dr. Stark and tell him we are going to do this surgery, thank you Arizona, I will talk with you later" she said before she hung up on the phone and then she was off to find the head of peds.
"Uhm, bye…" Arizona said with a frown as the line had already gone dead "well that was… interesting" Arizona said before she began to explain it all to Teddy.
In another part of Seattle, Callie went in search of Dr. Stark, but not being able to find him. So she moves to the nurse station and asked one of the nurses if she knew where he was. "Dr. Stark went into Surgery with Dr. Kepner not too long ago" she informed Callie.
"Thanks!" Callie answered before she ran to the staircase, not having time to wait for the elevators. Once she found the OR that Dr. Stark was in, she saw that he was currently doing the ping pong ball surgery on Lisa together with Dr. Kepner and chief of surgery at Mercy West. From the gallery she heard how enthusiastic the chief of surgery was, telling Dr. Stark how good of an idea he had gotten.
April soon spotted Callie in the gallery and looked at Stark "who came up with this idea?" she asked with slightly narrowed eyes "was it not Dr. Torres?"
Even though he was wearing a surgical mask, it was easy to see Dr. Stark his jaw tightened up. "Let us see if the idea actually works, shall we Dr. Kepner?" he said and kept his eyes on the baby they were operating on.
Callie's anger rose once more towards the man as he was currently performing the surgery, he had basically made fun of an hour ago, now getting praised by the chief. Not wanting to see or hear more she walked off, down to the ER in hopes that she could give a hand down there, because she still had several hours left of her shift, and she was not about to yell at her superior, not today.
She had barely gotten into the ER when she was called over by one of the attendings in ortho, "Dr. Torres, I need your help in the OR" Dr. Minnick called out, "and page peds, we got a kid vs car case" she said, just as she wheeled past the younger surgeon "meet me in OR 3!" she called over her shoulder, before she disappeared into the elevator.
Callie was quick to jump into action, paging Dr. McCale to OR 3, before following Dr. Minnicks tracks. She scrubbed in, the other surgeon soon joining. Once in the OR, Eliza began to fill the other two in on the injuries of the child.
"Multiple fractures in his legs, his hips and ribs. There is going to be a lot to try and repair, but let's try to not have him bleed out first, shall we?" Dr. Minnick spoke as the two stepped up to the operating table. They both nodded and jumped right into the operation, each doing their own thing, without disturbing the two others.
Even though they did all they could to save his life, his little body could not handle all of the trauma it had endured and he bled out on the table.
"No no no no no!" Callie said, as she shook his body once more, her eyes stinging as she heard the machine come with a constant warning sound. "Charge again" she spoke up, but when no one moved she spoke louder "I said, charge again!"
Eliza walked over and with a little coaxing got the defibrillator out of Callie's hands as she spoke "we did all we could, his body couldn't handle the injuries and you know that" she said. They all knew what Callie was going through right now. Had all been there in their own residency, but eventually you would find a way to cope with it. Until then, it was the attendings job to make the residents feel better.
Callie didn't pay attention to what Dr. Minnick was saying, she knew she was just trying to help, but Callie only had one thing on her mind right now. This was why she hated peds, she couldn't bare losing a child. Losing patients were hard, but especially when it was just children. They had their whole life ahead of them, and instead of getting to grow up and find a place in life, this poor child would be buried. When Eliza put a hand on Callie's shoulder, Callie brushed it off before she tore off her gown, threw it out and then left the OR. She nearly ran towards the first empty on call room she could find, before getting inside and locking the door. She leaned against it and felt her legs give in, her body sliding down the door behind her. Once sitting on her floor, she put her head into her hands and let her emotions out. It was not just sadness for the loss she had just had in the OR, she knew they couldn't save every single person that came into the hospital, but it still hurt. But she was also angry at the driver that had hit the child, as he got to walk away without a scratch. She was angry at the driver and she was angry at Dr. Stark. Angry and frustrated for not being taken serious by one of the attendings, for Dr. Stark stealing her idea after making her feel like a fool, only to go behind her back and steal her idea.
She was also frustrated with herself. Frustrated that she couldn't figure out her feelings and emotions when it came to her personal life. She barely spoke with her family, only her dad really and that was only once every Sunday when he would call to catch up and tell her how disappointed they were in her. The only good things she had going right now were her job and her friendship with Arizona.
Arizona… She sighed. Arizona made her feel things she hadn't felt before, towards a woman at least. She found the blonde interesting, to put it mildly. She always found herself to enjoy the time she spent with her, and was almost sad when it was time to part. Arizona was… She was funny, smart, patient, she was a really good listener and she was such a kind soul. How she was single was not something Callie could understand. Arizona had it all. She was charming, beautiful. God, was she beautiful. She made Callie feel butterflies in her stomach whenever she would reward her with one of those dimpled smiles, and her laugh made Callie's heart beat just a tiny bit faster each and every time. She did not know when it had happened, but Arizona had cast a spell on her, and she was scared about the meanings behind her feelings towards the other woman, but still she was intrigued. No matter what kind of day she had, Arizona seemed to make it better, and just like that Callie knew exactly what she had to do, to feel better about today. And she had to do it before she got cold feet.
Meanwhile, Arizona sat at home, nursing a glass of wine and was looking into the soft flames in her fire place. She had the tv on, but she wasn't really watching, too lost in thoughts to really pay attention to anything that happened on the screen. Her plan had been to go to the bar since she wasn't on call tomorrow, but once her shift ended, she just wanted to go home, drink some wine and do her best not to cry. A knock on the front door brought her out of her trance and Arizona looked up at the watch on the wall, to see that the time was almost 10.30 in the evening. She frowned, not knowing who would come over this late, and considered not answering the door, but as the knock sounded once more, she got up, still partly wrapped up in the blanket. She walked over to the door and was surprised to see who was on the other side of the door. "Calliope, what are you doing here?", she asked, as she tightened the blanket around her when a cold breeze.
Callie stood and opened her mouth, only to close it again, not knowing how she would start the conversation, but as Arizona got a slightly concerned look on her face, she found her words "I, I need your advice again and I need your opinion and honestly, I didn't know where else to go, because no one else could make me feel better about it, other than you".
Arizona nodded as she opened the door further for Callie to come inside. She was a little confused as she didn't know what exactly Callie needed her opinion on, since she had already given it, regarding the surgery. But nonetheless, she wanted to help Callie in any way that she could, so once Callie was inside her house, she closed and locked the door, silently following Callie, who was going towards the blondes living room.
They both sat down in each end of the couch but facing each other. As soon as she looked at Arizona, Callie began to speak "Stark did the surgery. My surgery. After he humiliated it, humiliated me, and told me it was a stupid idea. He went into surgery, purposely leaving me out of the OR, because the chief was also in the surgery, observing this brilliant idea that Stark seems to have claimed as his" Callie growled, her anger towards the man bubbling right below the surface, the only thing keeping her from switching to Spanish was the woman sitting in front of her "I don't care if he changed his mind, it was my idea and it should have been my surgery, no attending should ever do this, I don't care what reasons lay behind it, he just shouldn't. And so… I am going to the chief tomorrow to tell him about it all, I don't care about Dr. stark anymore, he has been doing this far too much already.".
Arizona sat back and nodded every now and then, when Callie would check if the blonde was still listening. Knowing Callie had more on her heart she remained quiet, mainly because she had come to the conclusion that since Callie had already decided to go to the chief about this unacceptable behavior from Dr. Stark, it was not the reason Callie was there. And she would be right. She saw Callie's shoulders slump down and her eyes slowly filling with tears.
"Once… Once I found out I went down to the ER, needing to get my focus on something else than the surgery and Dr. Stark, and I barely got inside before I was pulled into a surgery. A young boy had been hit by a car, the driver didn't see him and he was speeding", Callie bit down her bottom lip, not willing herself to get too emotional as she was talking about it "he uh… He bled out on the table. And I- We did all we could… but we couldn't save him, and I don't know how you do it", she looked Arizona right in the eyes as she said the last part. Seeing the slight confusion on Arizona's face, she finished her train of thoughts "how you go to sleep at night and still manage to remain positive and be a freaking human rainbow. How do you get up in the morning, knowing that you will most likely lose yet another kid, that you weren't able to help him or her?"
"Ah…" Arizona said, now realizing exactly why Callie was at her place and why she had said what she had said outside her door. "Well, you will eventually learn to move on from every loss, an-"
"Stop sounding like the textbooks and lectures and tell me how you cope with losing kids every day" Callie cut her off, her patience running thin after the day she had had.
"Well…" Arizona said, slightly taking back by the tone Callie was using. Had it been any other day she would have simply brushed it off, but tonight it hurt her a little. "If you think I don't dream about tiny coffins and kids I could not save, then you are wrong, because I do. Often" Arizona said, subconsciously wrapping her arms around herself as she opened up towards Callie "the truth is, it doesn't get better, the feeling you get when you lose a patient. We cannot save them all, but you have to focus on the next kid who is going to need your commitment and who you will be able to save. We are not God, we cannot save everyone," she finished, her jaw a little tight and her eyes showing the slightest bit of hurt. "You know how it is to lose someone close to you, as do I, and we put ourselves in the mindset of how they must feel when they lose a family member or a relative or a partner, but you have to shut that out. People die, we have to eventually accept it and move on, or you will be stuck in the past, your future passing by you, without you realizing… And soon years have passed and you still feel the pain" she had talked off of the subject and she knew it, but it felt good to finally get it off of her chest how she felt, so she wasn't able to stop herself from continuing. "You lost a sister recently and even though you weren't the closest she was your sister, and you will always carry that grief with you. Some days will be better than others, and some days you won't be able to get out of bed because your heart aches. The pain will always be there, and you can decide to let it weigh you down or carry on with your life. That is what a grieving person does, but a surgeon? A surgeon does everything they can do for their patient, and then they move on. We have to, or it will break you".
"I'm sorry" Callie breathed out, her eyes closing as she took in everything Arizona had just thrown at her "I didn't mean to take it out on you, I just-".
"I know" Arizona cut her off before clearing her throat "I shouldn't have raised my voice at you, I know better than that…"
Callie nodded slightly, noticing the red eyes Arizona had and how the usually happy aura that followed the blonde around were switched out with sadness. She opened her mouth to ask Arizona what was wrong, but Arizona cut her off before she could say a thing "I don't want to talk about it" she said knowingly "not today… Because I will cry, and tonight isn't about me, it is about you and your bad day, so…" she said, her hand running through her curls "One day I will tell you about it. About her", she whispered out, "but I can't today".
Once again Callie nodded, before scooting over and opened her arms to hug the blonde, pushing her own feelings away, so she for once could be there for Arizona, instead of Arizona being there for her. And even though Arizona did not want to talk about whatever was going on, whoever the 'she' was, that she had promised to tell her about, then Callie would still do her best to allow the blonde a place to let go of her emotions.
Hesitant at first, Arizona slowly leaned in, but soon enough she melted into Callie's body. She didn't even realize she was crying until Callie was rubbing her back and whispering sweet comforting words into her ear. Her first instinct was to pull away and pull up her façade, but it was as if Callie had read her mind, because she felt the arms around her tighten and the woman whispered "it's okay, I'm here, let it out". And so Arizona did let go of her hesitation and let herself be completely vulnerable in Callie's embrace.
Callie herself also found a form of comfort in holding Arizona. There just were something almost magical towards this woman. After a while Callie began to move around, so they could lay down instead. She felt Arizona begin to pull away once again, but Callie wasn't having any of it. "It is okay, I just need to lay down for a bit" she said softly, hoping she wasn't being too much for Arizona to handle right now. Hell, she hoped she would be able to handle it herself. Her head was a mess from being this close to Arizona for such a long period of time and she really did try her best to not think of it. To top it off, she had already been through a rollercoaster of emotions today, she did not need another ride to crazy town today. So, she shook her head as if to clear it for the inner voices arguing, and guided both of them to lay down on the couch. Once they were both comfortable, Callie began to stroke the woman's back.
Neither of them realized that they had fallen asleep, until the next morning when Callie woke up confused as to where she was and why she wasn't home. She checked around and realized she was in Arizona's living room, and judging by the light outside, she had unintentionally spent the night there. She sat up and stretched her body, her back cracking from sleeping the night on the couch, and just as she was about to stand and look for the blonde, the woman in question came back with two mugs in her hands.
"Good morning" Arizona said as she sat down on the couch, much closer to her than yesterday, and handed her one of the mugs "I just want to say that I am sorry for falling asleep on you last night and for you having to see me like that, but I am very thankful that you were here with me" she spoke, hoping it wouldn't get awkward. To her surprise, Callie smiled and took a sip of her coffee before leaning back against the couch.
"Hmmm… You just wait. You thought that service was for free? Pfft, you just wait until you see the bill" she teasingly said, a smirk on her lips.
"What?!" Arizona said, her own matching smirk in place "You came to me! Asking for my advice as far as I recall, and I gave you shelter for the night, so really, I think you're the one owning me".
"Shelter for the night? You make me sound like I am homeless" Callie laughed out as she leaned her head to the side so she could look at Arizona "and you fell asleep on me, so… Basically it is your own fault that I am still here", she said as she shrugged.
"Hmmm… Fair played, Torres" Arizona said as her smirk slowly turned into a soft smile as she watched Callie "are you feeling okay though? Better today?" she asked, wanting to check in.
Callie nodded, "yeah, I am. It was just a lot yesterday, but I am feeling better", she said honestly before asking Arizona the same question.
"I do feel better, yeah. And I do owe you an explanation, so… How about I take you out for brunch? As a payment for your services" she said with a wink. "I will tell you what you want to know then".
"I'd like that", Callie nodded before she bit down her bottom lip and contemplated on whether or not it would be okay to lean her head on Arizona's shoulder that were right next to her head. Deciding that it wasn't worse than being cuddled up all night, she slid her head the last few centimeters and rested her head on her shoulder. "Can we stay here for a bit first though?".
It was the vulnerability in Callie's voice that made Arizona agree right away. Not because she liked the feeling of Callie leaning against her or because she was secretly craving the closeness, she had finally experienced last night or anything like that, pfft no, not at all. At least that is what she tried to convince herself. "We sure can", she said.
"Thank you".
Arizona leaned her own head down on top of Callie's as she said "of course". What happened next shocked both of them. Arizona turned her head and kissed the top of Callie's head, letting her lips linger just a few seconds too long to let it be a friendly comforting kiss. 'I guess Emma won't be the only one we have to talk about', Arizona scolded herself as she too felt Callie tense up.
AN 2: I have NO medical knowledge; it is either borrowed from the show or completely made up – sorry in advance if it is bad. Also, it isn't proofread, it is getting late where I live, but I really wanted you guys to get an update tonight. So, apologizing for all of my errors.
AN 3: So, someone asked what the age of Arizona and Callie were, and to that I cannot fully answer yet… I haven't fully settled on their ages, but! Arizona is in her start 30's and Callie is in her 20's. So around 7-10 years difference. I hope it helps (:
