This chapter is shorter than the rest, but something really important happens in it. You're all going to hate me for what I did to Carlos, but it was to be expected, considering the prologue of the story... Trigger warning for depression, suicidal thoughts, and suicide attempt. Also, this chapter isn't written in Carlos' POV—just letting you all know, so there isn't any confusion. Hope you guys like it.
"Stop, stop, stop! This is horrible, I give up!"
The boys all watch as Mr. X exits the dance room, throwing his sunglasses against the wall in the process. He doesn't even turn back to look at them as he leaves, but they don't bother to stop him. It's not the first time he does this—it has happened on multiple occasions in the past, but this time, it's different. He's not irritated because the boys are being their usual goofy selves and refuse to listen to his rules. He left because one of the band members is being very unlike himself and not keeping up with the rest. More specifically, that band member being Carlos.
James sighs and leans his back against the wall, staring forward without uttering one single word. Logan, Kendall and Carlos are still standing side by side in the middle of the room, everything quiet. Until Carlos breaks the silence, that is.
"I'm sorry, guys," he whispers, turning in Kendall and Logan's direction, and then turning back to look at James. "I know I messed up—now Gustavo's going to be mad at all of us."
"He's always mad at us," James states as he walks towards the older boy. "We just want to know what's going on, Carlos," he says in a softer tone, his hazel eyes searching Carlos' face for any sign of discomfort or pain.
"Nothing's going on, I'm fine—"
Kendall moves to stand in front of him, his hands resting on Carlos' shoulders. "Look me in the eye and tell me that. Tell me you're fine and I'll believe you."
Carlos opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. His eyes are stinging, tears threatening to fall at any moment. He does his best to hold back the sob that he so desperately wants to let out, but he can't. He can't look his best friend in the eye and lie to him. If it was a total stranger, or someone who he wasn't so close to, he would probably be able to, but not Kendall, James or Logan; anyone but them.
The tears fall before he can stop them, and before he knows it, he's being pulled against someone's chest, his heart aching, body trembling, head spinning. Everything seems to come crashing down in that moment, and it all doesn't feel real.
He slowly pulls away from the body and hesitantly looks up, to be met by the face of a clown, instead of that of one of his best friends. He tries to pull away and back down from the figure, but behind him, two other bodies are standing. He's trapped, with no escape.
"You're worthless, you know that?" the first figure spits in his direction as it takes a step towards him and pushes him back. Carlos crashes into the two figures behind him and screams, but nobody comes to his rescue.
Stupid. Ugly. Useless. Disappointment. Weak. Those are all words that are thrown at him by the figures, but he's no stranger to them. After all, they're the ones he hears on a daily basis in his head.
"Please, just leave me alone," he begs as they come closer and closer, until they're suffocating him, choking him, leaving him no air to breathe.
The first clown—which looks an awful lot like James—then reaches forward and wraps its hand around the smaller Latino's neck, squeezing it tightly, until he's gasping for air. He feels like he's dying. Everything around him is fading, black dots beginning to form and gather in his vision...
Until air is suddenly filling his lungs once more.
Carlos wakes up with a start, only to be met by the darkness that fills his bedroom. Tears are falling down his face at a rapid pace, and his heart is beating at a frantic speed against his chest. He swallows the dryness in his throat and gets up on wobbly legs, turning to face the bed on the other side of the room. James is sound asleep, just like he should be. Everything is fine.
But everything's not fine, not in Carlos' eyes, at least. Because even though he might have woken up from a nightmare, he awoke to another one—a nightmare that is far too real, and one that he cannot awaken from.
He hears James turn around in his sleep, so he hurriedly but silently rushes out of the room. The apartment is completely silent, so he makes sure to not make any noise as he walks out and closes the front door behind him. He needs space, needs time to think, but his thoughts are simply not making sense. Everything is a blur, and he's not even sure how he makes it to the pool area, let alone to the corner of a busy intersection.
The night is quiet and peaceful; the only noise he can really hear is that of crickets chirping in the distance and cars rushing past him. The sky is cloudless, with stars shining from above. Everything seems so nice, but not everything is always as it seems.
He watches the cars pass by, and he knows that if he were to walk in front of the path of one of them, he'd most likely die in an instant, and in that moment, that is all that he really wants. He's tired of life, tired of the stress, tired of not being good enough, tired of his thoughts.
He's done.
One step forward, and he's no longer standing. He barely acknowledges the pain that comes when a car crashes into him full-speed, sending him skidding against the pavement and to lie lifelessly on the concrete.
He doesn't hear the squealing of tires or the sound of a man running to his side and dialing 911, as he does his best to hold himself together. He doesn't hear anything, for the moment his body comes to a stop in the middle of the street, everything has faded away.
So... that happened. Thoughts? Thanks for reading.
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)
