There's so much angst in this chapter, and James is kind of a jerk to Kendall towards the end, so you'll probably hate me for that, but... I hope you guys like it regardless of that. :)
Being cautious of the tubes that are hooked up to Carlos' beaten body, Kendall kneels down on the right side of the bed and takes ahold of Carlos' hand in between both of his. He frowns when he feels no movement come from the older boy, even though he wasn't expecting him to move at all.
"We can't lose you, Los," he whispers, even though he knows that Carlos can't hear him. He has heard that patients who are unconscious are able to listen to what's going on around them, though, so he hopes that somehow, Carlos will be able to listen to what he has to say. "We all need you. Logan, James, mom, Katie, your mom and dad... I need you. I need you more than you will ever know. I know you may think that you're not important, or that you don't matter, or that our lives would be better off if you weren't in them, but that is simply not true. You mean so much to all of us, so much more than we are able to express with words."
He takes in a breath and gently lifts Carlos' hand so that it is merely inches away from his lips. He can feel tears gathering in his eyes, and he can feel them blurring his vision, but he refuses to let them fall. "I don't think you realize how much of an impact you have in other people's lives. You're the one who can always cheer me up when I'm down. That's something that I love about you... You spread love and positivity wherever you go. You're always able to turn awful situations into good ones. Even in the darkest of days, you can make my day better with your silly antics, with a simple smile, simply by being yourself. Not many people are able to do that, but you do, and not just for me, but for many other people as well."
With sorrow-filled eyes, he stares at the boy he has known for ten years now, and feels an overwhelming feeling of emotions take over him. He feels sick to his stomach, and he suddenly finds it hard to breathe. It's scary having to watch Carlos be so still. Anyone who knows Carlos, knows that he is never still. The smaller boy is always filled with so much energy, which is the complete opposite of how he is now.
As he stares at Carlos' still body, he realizes that it has been a while since he has seen the giddy, enthusiastic side of Carlos. It's been a while since he has seen the childish sparkle in those chocolate brown eyes of his, and he misses it. He wants Carlos back – he wants his older brother back. He can't stand the thought of losing him; of never seeing his smile again, or never hearing him laugh again.
His heart hurts, and it feels like it's broken. It's killing him.
"I should go," he whispers softly, kissing Carlos' knuckles and tightening his hold on his hand. "I shouldn't be here right now, but I really needed to see you. I promise you I'll be back... I love you." He lets go of Carlos' hand and stands up. He takes one last look at the unconscious boy, who looks too small for the bed he is lying on, and then turns around. He makes sure there is no one around, before walking out of the room and rushing towards the waiting room.
"Kendall! There you are! We've been looking for you everywhere!" Logan says, stopping Kendall in the middle of the hallway before he can reach the waiting room. Kendall freezes in his spot and looks down at the ground, a guilty look plastered on his face. He didn't mean to make him worry – he just wanted to see Carlos, he needed to.
"I know, I'm sorry," he says as he looks up to meet Logan's worried brown eyes. "Where's James?"
"I sent him to look for you somewhere else. We were about to ask Mama Knight if she had seen you. Where were you?"
"Oh, you know... just walking around. I needed to get my mind off things, I guess," he replies, leaving out the part about getting to see Carlos. It was technically not a lie; he had been walking around.
"Kendall..." Logan begins as he takes a step forward and places his hand on the taller boy's shoulder. The blond turns his attention back to the ground, refusing to meet Logan's eyes. He knows that if he looks into them, he'll see nothing but pain and concern. He can sense it just by the tone of his voice. "We're worried about you, Kendall."
"Why?"
Logan sighs, removes his hand from Kendall's shoulder, and lets his arm hang by his side. "Because you're not acting like yourself."
That one sentence makes something in Kendall break. He feels everything around him start to collapse, and suddenly the emotions he has been trying to hide, come pouring out in a mix of words and tears.
"You know what? You're right, I'm not... But neither is James, and neither are you. But this isn't just some everyday obstacle we're dealing with. Carlos' life is on the line, so I don't see how any of us could be ourselves right now."
"Kendall, that's not what I meant..."
"Then what did you mean?"
Logan opens his mouth to speak, but closes it when he realizes that Kendall's right. "I'm just worried."
Kendall's face softens. Silently, he tugs Logan forward and wraps his arms around the older boy's torso, pulling him close. He hears a soft sigh slip past Logan's lips as he rests his head on Kendall's shoulder and closes his eyes, tears starting to roll down his cheeks at a slow pace.
"I think I'm just tired."
"I know, me too."
"I'm scared, Kendall... I'm so scared."
Closing his eyes, Kendall lets his head rest against Logan's shoulder as well, his hold on the shorter boy tightening. "I know, Logie," he whispers, no longer being able to suppress the tears. "I'm scared, too. I wish—"
"Kendall?"
The blond stops in mid-sentence when he feels a hand rest on his shoulder. Logan, who has already caught sight of the brunet behind him, slowly lets go of the younger boy and does his best to wipe away the tears smearing his cheeks.
As he turns around, Kendall barely has the time to register that it is James who is standing in front of him, before he is once again wrapped in a hug. "Don't ever go wandering off like that. I was worried sick about you."
Hesitantly, Kendall hugs James back, feeling comforted by the feeling of having James' arms around him.
That's the thing about them – they all somehow make each other feel better when things are bad, in their own way. Kendall is good with pep-talks; he's good at keeping the other boys motivated when they feel discouraged, and can come up with a good speech in a matter of seconds. Logan's the one who keeps them grounded – he is often the one to knock some sense into the other three when Kendall's schemes get them into trouble. James is often seen as the comforter, and as the one the other boys go to when they simply need to be reassured that everything will be okay. And Carlos is the one who is always able to put a smile on anyone's face – if one of them is feeling down, they know that he can make them feel better, sometimes without even trying.
But with one of their own missing, they're all incomplete. It's kind of like a domino effect; if one of them falls down, then they all go down with him. They aren't able to function without each other – they're not sure how to, and they don't want to – which is one of the reasons that the thought of losing Carlos terrifies them. They wouldn't just lose a friend; they would lose a best friend, a brother, and most likely lose themselves in the process of trying to cope with it all.
"I won't, I promise," Kendall whispers back, his voice muffled by the fabric of James' shirt. "But... promise me one thing... both of you?"
"Anything," James says softly.
"Promise me that... even if... even if Carlos d-dies, we'll stick together?"
"Kendall..."
"Please... I just... I need to know, I'm sorry."
Seeing the look of complete terror in Logan's face, James gestures for him to move forward, and once he does, he hugs him as well. "We're not going to lose him, but if it helps, then yes... I promise."
"Logan?"
Logan's as white as a sheet, and he can't even find the words to speak. He feels panic take over him, and he can't breathe. He doesn't even acknowledge Kendall's voice when he calls his name. Everything's muffled and nothing makes sense, and he feels like he has been left with no air in his lungs.
It is then that Kendall realizes what's happening and detaches himself from James' hold. "Logan, breathe. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Logie, it's okay, you're okay. You need to breathe."
"I... I c-can't."
Being cautious not to startle Logan any more than he already is, James takes ahold of his shoulders and gently lowers him to the ground. "Logan, it's okay, you don't need to promise anything, but you're panicking. You need to breathe, okay? It's all gonna be okay."
It takes minutes of coaxing, but Logan is finally able to calm down. Feeling guilty for sending him into a panic attack, Kendall wraps his arms around him and buries his face against the crook of Logan's neck. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I just..."
"Of course you didn't mean to," James says bitterly.
Taken aback by the older boy's tone of voice, Kendall lets go of Logan as he feels tears once again begin to well up in his eyes. "I didn't..."
"I think you've done enough, Kendall." James doesn't mean to sound as harsh as he does, but he's tired and upset, and seeing Logan go into a panic attack because of what Kendall had said, certainly did not help.
Kendall doesn't say anything in response. Instead, he scoots away from the two boys and pulls his knees up to his chest. All he can do is stare forward as tears cascade down his face, feeling his whole world deteriorate more and more with each passing second.
I AM SAD. That last part with Kendall broke my heart. I hate myself for writing that whole scene... Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope you guys liked it. :)
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)
