Hey guys. I'm really sorry for having this up so late. I meant to update this weeks ago, but I just haven't had much time to write, plus I had a bit of writer's block, so that really sucked. I hope you all like this chapter, even though not much happens in it. I'll try to have the next one up sooner, and hopefully, it will be better than this one. Enjoy.


Pain is inevitable; no matter how hard you try to run from it, you can't escape it. Kendall knows this – he has had his fair share of painful moments throughout his life, but none like the one he is currently in.

The sadness envelops him, suffocating him, leaving him breathless – making him feel like he's in some kind of endless maze, with no way of escape. There's a part of him that wants to scream and run away, because he doesn't know how to face the reality that he's in. But there's also a part of him that simply wants to fall to his knees and burst into tears. He feels like a ghost, simply floating on through life. He has felt like that for days, but now more than ever.

"H-How do you say goodbye to someone who means so much to you?" Logan asks, his voice shaking as he turns to face Kendall. His eyes are glassy with tears he has yet to shed, and his hands, which are hanging by his side, are trembling quite forcefully.

Kendall swallows the lump that has grown in his throat and sighs, shutting his eyes for a second to suppress the tears he knows are waiting to fall. "I don't know. I just... I don't know, Logan." He stumbles over his own words, cursing at himself mentally for appearing to be so weak. He had tried so hard to prepare himself, in case something like this were to happen, but it was useless. After all, how can someone prepare themselves for the loss of a friend – and not only a friend, but a best friend they all considered to be a brother?

For the first time ever, he has no answers. He knows that nothing he says will be able to make Logan's pain fade away. Nothing anyone says will be able to make anything better. Only one person can make it all go away, and that one person isn't there anymore. He's gone, and no amount of tears will ever bring him back.

This is all your fault. That one sentence echoes in his mind time and time again, and he can't seem to make it go away. It doesn't help that James is standing just a few feet away, glaring daggers in his direction. He can't help but wonder if the older boy blames him for Carlos' death. He already blames himself, and the guilt is eating him alive.

Kendall's the leader of their tight-knit little group – he's the glue that keeps them all together and that prevents them all from falling apart whenever they are faced with a tough situation. He's the one who is expected – at least in his eyes – to look out for the others. But by failing to notice how much Carlos was hurting, he has not only failed him, but James and Logan as well, and for that, he hates himself more than ever before.

Minutes tick by, but to him everything seems to be going in slow motion. He has trouble making out what's real and what isn't, because everything's a blur in his eyes.

He presses the palms of his hands to his face as the casket that is carrying Carlos' body is slowly lowered into the six-foot hole on the ground. He feels the tears begin to flood down his face. Beside him, he hears Logan start to cry.

"No!" James' cry rings in his ears, making him jump in surprise as he watches the brunet sprint towards the casket. He doesn't even realize he has started moving, until he's holding onto James, who is crying into his suit, feebly hitting him in an attempt to escape. "Let me go! P-Please just let me g-go."

And in that moment, he wishes that his and Carlos' roles could be reversed, because he feels like he deserves to be the one buried six feet underground.


"Kendall?"

Started by Logan's voice, Kendall jolts awake and turns to face the brunet, who is sitting to his left. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but he was exhausted from barely having slept the night before.

"Hey, are you okay? You're crying," Logan questions worriedly. Kendall looks like a wreck, both emotionally and physically, and he's worried he'll send himself spiraling out of control like he always does when faced with an extremely difficult situation.

"I'm... I'm fine." The blond starts to wipe away his tears, which he hadn't even noticed were even there to begin with. He tries to stand up and walk away from the brunet, but Logan follows his actions and grabs him by the shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

"Will you please stop lying to me? I'd rather you tell me you're not okay, than have you bottle it up until it becomes too much. You think I don't know you tend to do that?"

"He hates me, Logan..."

"What? What are you talking about? Who hates you?" Logan asks as he guides Kendall to sit back down. He's thankful that they're sitting quite a few feet away from Mrs. Knight and Katie, since they won't be able to hear what Kendall has to say. He briefly takes in his surroundings and realizes that James is nowhere to be seen, even though he had said he'd be right behind him.

"J-James. James hates me."

"Ken... James does not hate you. Why would you think that? You're one of his best friends. He could never."

"He's been snapping at me and getting mad at me, because apparently, I fuck everything up. I know it's my fault. I know it's my fault Carlos is in the hospital, it's my fault for not helping him sooner, it's all my fault. And damn it, if he d-dies, I don't think I will be able to live with myself. I can't... I can't live with the guilt."

"Kendall, you need to calm down – you're panicking, you're overthinking everything. You can't blame yourself for this. If you do, it will destroy you mentally. I know you like to think you're some kind of superhero, who has to look out for everyone, but you're not, Kendall. You're only human, like me, like James... like Carlos. I know you feel guilty, and I know that nothing I say will be able to make things better, but please just listen to what I have to say, okay?"

The dirty blond nods his head, not looking Logan in the eye, because he doesn't want him to see the pools of tears that have built up once more.

"We can sit here and blame ourselves and each other, or we can stick together and choose to be there for one another. We can't let this break us apart. You know James loves you, and you know I love you, and Carlos loves you, and no one blames you for what happened, except yourself. James is upset – he doesn't know how to deal with what's happened, as I'm sure none of us do. Of course, that doesn't make it okay for him to take his anger out on you. I'll talk to him, okay? I'll knock some sense into him if I have to, but know that he does not blame you for anything, and he certainly does not hate you."

"He's right, you know. I don't hate you."

James walks towards them, taking the seat to Kendall's right. The younger boy, however, refuses to look in his direction.

"I know I've been acting like a jerk. I'm a hypocrite. I tell you that everything's okay between us, and then I get upset at you again, but the truth is... I'm not upset at you, Kendall. I'm just so... mad at myself, because I don't know who else to be mad at, and I guess, for some stupid reason, I decided to take that anger out on you. I just don't want to think about what might happen... I don't want to think negatively; I want to look on the bright side of things."

"You can't always do that, James... Not when something like this happens," Kendall mumbles without looking up. "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being really negative about this whole situation, but I honestly... don't know what else to think. My mind's a mess right now."

"So is mine." James sighs and reaches for Kendall's hand, tightening his hold around it. "And yeah, I know that I need to face the reality of it all, but... we need to keep our heads up, too. We need to have hope – hope that things will get better. And, Logan's right." He looks up at Logan, who is looking back at him with a look full of sorrow. "In order to do that, we gotta be there for each other, no matter what happens."

"I know... I just... I kind of f-feel like this is all my fault somehow. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, but it's like my brain won't shut up."

"I know how you feel," James says softly as he wraps his arm around Kendall's shoulders, signaling with his other arm for Logan to join them. As soon as he does, he pulls him into the hug as well. "But we need to stop blaming ourselves, no matter how hard it may be. We gotta try, at least. We don't even know why he did it – what caused him to think about ending his own life. And I know it's hard... It's far from easy, but that's why we have each other; to lean on when things get hard. After all, isn't that what friends are for?"


So, just a question I have for you guys... Are you all liking how the story's turning out? I kind of feel like it's going too slowly, so I'm worried about that. I would really appreciate it if you let me know if you like how it's turning out or not. And if you don't, any tips on how I can improve it? Or is there anything you'd like to see more of?

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)