Hey guys. For those of you who remember the prologue of this story, the beginning of this chapter will probably seem familiar – it's the prologue, just written differently, and the rest of the chapter is what happens afterwards. I hope you like this chapter... It's actually pretty long, compared to the others.
"Boys, please go home, get some sleep."
Kendall groans from where he's sitting, struggling to keep his eyes open. "Mom, we already told you, we're not leaving. Not when Carlos needs us," he says, lifting his head from where it had been resting on James' shoulder. "We'll be fine."
"It might be a while until we hear anything, honey. You three need to get some sleep."
"But mom—"
"I think your mom's right, Kendall," Logan speaks up to his left. "We haven't really slept at all, and we can't help Carlos if we're sleep deprived and aren't able to function. We should go, even if it's just for a couple hours. She'll call if anything happens, right Mrs. Knight?" He looks up then, offering her a small smile.
"Of course I will."
Kendall sighs but sits up, turning to look at James. "You think we should?" he asks him, still unsure of what they should do.
"I guess," he says as he stands up and turns to Logan and Kendall. "But just for a couple of hours."
"Just for a couple of hours," Logan repeats, following his actions.
"Come on, we'll be back," Logan urges Kendall, who remains unmoving. He extends a hand for the taller boy to take, which he does after a brief moment of hesitation.
It's not until they're outside of the hospital and away from the others, that everything hits them like a truck.
"This cannot be happening," James mutters, struggling to stop himself from crying. "I can't... It just can't be happening."
Kendall wastes no time in pulling him into a hug with one arm, as he pulls Logan closer with the other. "He's going to be okay, guys," he says, even though it's something that he can't quite bring himself to believe. "We'll make sure of it. As soon as he's out of here, we will not allow him to hurt again."
"You can't stop someone from hurting, Kendall," Logan says. "You can try... we can try to protect him, but no one is ever one hundred percent safe from being in pain."
"I know, Logan," he says, and he does know. He knows there's no way he can keep Carlos from hurting ever again, but that doesn't mean he's not going to try as hard as he can to make it happen. "But I will not allow him to hurt so much again."
Logan doesn't say anything, as he stares at James with worried eyes, taking notice of the expression of utter sadness that is present on his face. "James?" he calls him, but he only receives a hum in response. "Are you okay, James?"
"I'm fine," he mumbles as he pulls away from the hug and starts walking towards their parked car.
Kendall and Logan follow closely behind, with Kendall wrapping an arm around Logan's shoulders as he sees he's fighting back tears.
"James, are you sure you want to drive? Because I'll drive if you can't—" Kendall says when they reach the car, only to find James already sitting on the driver's seat, his knuckles white from how tightly he's gripping the steering wheel. Logan has already climbed into the backseat, but Kendall's still standing outside, with one hand holding on to the door's handle.
"It's fine. Keep Logie company," James interrupts.
Kendall hesitates before answering, debating whether or not he should argue with the brunet, but he decides not to, because he doesn't want to make things worse. "Okay," he mumbles as he climbs into the backseat beside Logan. He wraps an arm around the smaller boy, smiling faintly as Logan curls up against his side.
James stays silent where he's sitting, his gaze locked on what's in front of him. It's not until Kendall opens his mouth to speak, that he makes a sound.
"I'm such an idiot." Kendall's voice cuts through the air like a knife, forcing James to turn to look at him and Logan to grow rigid in his hold.
"No, Kendall. We are not going to play the blame game. If you even think about saying this is your fault, then I suggest for you to not even open your mouth and stop thinking like that. Would he want you to be blaming yourself?" James sounds like a hypocrite, and perhaps he is one, but he doesn't care. He's tired and upset, and he feels absolutely useless.
"You don't understand, James. You don't get it! I should have n-noticed..."
We all should have, James thinks, but he doesn't say anything as he climbs into the backseat and pulls both Kendall and Logan close, finally allowing the tears to fall. They stay huddled together for a few minutes, seeking comfort in each other's arms, but it seems like it isn't enough, because something's missing. Someone is missing.
"How did we... how did we end up here?" Kendall asks when James starts to pull away.
"I don't know," he replies, because he doesn't really have an answer to that question. None of them really do have an answer. They're all lost without Carlos, because he was the one who knew how to cheer everyone up in times of chaos. He was the one who always managed to bring a smile to their faces, no matter how bad of a mood they might have been in. He was the sun in a rainy day. He was everything to them, and now they don't have him. Now he's gone, and they don't know if they'll ever get him back. "All I know is that I'm tired, and my head's a mess, and I really don't know what the fuck to d-do."
Logan flinches at the harsh tone in James' voice, which doesn't go unnoticed by the taller boy. "I'm sorry, Logie," he chokes out. "I'm so sorry."
Receiving no response, he climbs back to the driver's seat and starts the car, before pulling away from the parking lot and driving in the direction of the Palm Woods.
"C-can I come in?"
It's over forty minutes later. Logan and Kendall are in their room, both of them indulged in their own thoughts, when James appears in the doorway. His eyes are bloodshot from crying, and he looks like he can barely sustain his weight on his own two feet.
"Sure," Kendall says, but his eyes don't move away from where he has been staring at the ceiling for a good twenty minutes straight. Logan nods from where he's laying, staring at the doorway, with his back to Kendall.
He feels awkward and exposed, and it's something that he's not used to, at least not when it comes to Kendall and Logan. He has always felt like he can go to them for anything, but now he feels like he would just be putting a burden on their shoulders – a burden they don't need.
"I..." He opens his mouth, but closes it right after, unsure of what to say. "I c-can't be in my room... in our room. I can't be in there. It hurts too much. I j-just want to go back to the hospital. I don't wanna be here."
"Then let's go," Kendall says as he finally turns to look at him. "I mean, what's the point of being here? I know Mom wanted us to get some rest, but I can't, and from what I can tell, neither can the two of you."
Logan suddenly lets out a small whimper and clutches his stomach tightly. Two seconds later, he's bolting out of the room, almost knocking James over in the process.
"Logan, where are you going?" Kendall calls out, but he receives no response. They hear the bathroom door close shut, followed by the sound of Logan throwing up.
The two boys waste no time in running after him and pushing the door open. There, they find Logan sitting on the floor, with his back pressed against the wall and eyes partially closed.
"Logan? Logie, are you okay?" Kendall asks, kneeling down in front of the smaller boy.
"I'm fine," Logan mumbles in response, but not even five seconds later, he's scrambling back towards the toilet, to throw up some more. "Or not," he admits once he's finished.
Kendall shares a worried look with James as the two boys move forward and help Logan to his feet. They drag him back to his room despite his protests, and force him to lay down.
"Guys, I was joking, I'm fine. I'm not sick, okay?"
"You should still lay down for a bit," James says, pushing him back down when he attempts to sit up.
"But James—"
"Logan, please listen to me."
Sighing, the smaller boy complies, not wanting to argue anymore. He's tired of arguing, and frankly, he doesn't have the energy to put up a fight.
"Umm, guys, my mom's calling," Kendall says quietly, as he stares at his phone, which he is holding with shaking hands. "What if something happened...?"
"Just answer her," James says.
Kendall nods and answers the phone, a feeling of dread draping over him. "Mom? Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine, sweetheart. I mean, nothing bad has happened," she corrects herself, knowing everything's not really fine, "but the doctor came by to let us know that Carlos is stable and we can go see him. I thought you'd want to know."
"Finally," he sighs in relief. "We'll be right over. Thanks for letting me know."
When he hangs up, he looks up to find James and Logan looking at him with hope in their eyes.
"He woke up...?" James asks, smiling widely, but his smile disappears as soon as Kendall shakes his head.
"No, but he's stable, and they're allowing visitors, so we can go see him."
"Oh..." James looks down and without warning starts to cry, alarming the two boys in front of him.
"Hey, James, it's okay. Jay, don't cry, it's all gonna be okay," Kendall whispers as he pulls him into a hug.
"I-I-I thought he was awake," he cries into the fabric of Kendall's shirt. "I thought he was o-okay. I thought—"
"He will be okay." This time, it's Logan who speaks up. "He will be okay, and he will wake up, okay? These kinds of things take time, though. I know it feels like it's taking forever, but he will wake up."
"I just wish there was something we could do."
"I know," Kendall whispers, briefly pressing his lips to the top of James' head. "There is something we can do, though – we can go see him and talk to him. I know it might seem like nothing, but it might help somehow."
"Yeah, remember what we said? We said we'd talk to him and help him realize how much he is cared for and needed. He might hear us, he might not, but we'll never know if we don't try," Logan reminded him, patting him on the back. "So come on, let's go see him."
"I'm scared to," James admits.
"Why are you scared?"
"Because he'll look so broken, and I don't think I'm ready to see him like that."
"We'll go with you," Kendall says. "We're in this together, you know. You don't have to do anything alone if you don't want to."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Okay... I guess we can go, then."
"Good, but I'm driving," Logan says as he grabs the car keys from where they're sitting on his nightstand.
"Yeah, that's not happening." No sooner has he grabbed them, that Kendall snatches them from his hand. "You're not driving after what just happened, and neither is James. I'll drive."
Logan groans and rolls his eyes in obvious annoyance. "I told you I'm fine."
"It doesn't matter, I'm driving."
"Fine," Logan mutters as he glares in his direction, "but your driving is awful, so you better not kill us."
"Hey! My driving is not awful!"
"Kind of is," James mumbles as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands up.
"Whose side are you on?"
"Yours?"
"You don't sound too sure about that."
James smiles, nudging Kendall on the side. "That's because I'm lying. Your driving is awful."
"Do you guys wanna get there or not?"
Logan and James stay silent as they follow the blond out of the room, closing the door behind them. They're halfway out the front door, when James stops them.
"Hey guys... should I take Carlos' helmet with us?" he asks, staring at the black helmet that is resting on the orange couch in the living room. "Maybe he'll need it."
"He's in the hospital, James. He's safe there, he doesn't need it," Logan points out.
"Yeah, but..." he sighs, tearing his gaze away from it. "Forget it. It was a stupid idea anyway."
"No, I think it's a good idea. It might come in handy."
James sends Kendall a grateful smile and walks towards the couch to grab it. He then walks back to where Kendall and Logan are standing, their eyes now locked on the helmet as well.
"He should've been wearing it last night," Kendall mumbles to himself quietly, a hint of sadness evident in his voice. "Maybe it would've helped somehow." James can tell from the look on his face that he's holding back tears. They all are.
"Let's just go," Logan says as he grabs onto Kendall's arm, pulling him out of the apartment. He gives James a saddened look and gestures for him to follow, which he does once he's sure he's locked the door.
"Well, we're here."
Kendall stares at the hospital in front of them. He has no intention of getting out of the car, and judging by the fact that James and Logan have not moved an inch, neither do they.
"Now that I think about it, I don't wanna be here either," James chokes out brokenly, wiping away the few tears that have managed to escape. "I hate this place."
"We have to," Kendall says. "He needs us."
James nods and reaches for the door handle. He hesitates before opening it and stepping outside. He feels sick just standing there, so he can only imagine how awful he will feel once he actually sees Carlos.
"Come on, Logie." He reaches for Logan's hand with the one hand that isn't holding on to Carlos' helmet and helps him out. "Kendall, aren't you coming?"
"Yeah, I'm coming."
"You aren't moving."
A shaky sigh slips from his lips as he lets his head rest against the steering wheel, his eyes brimming with tears. "I know," he mumbles. "Just go ahead and go inside. I'll be there in a few minutes."
"We're not going in there without you," Logan says as they both walk around the car to the driver's side. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Kendall, stop lying to us."
"This place just brings back bad memories, okay?" He finally looks up, but doesn't turn towards either of them. "Bad memories of my dad. Memories of when he died. They're memories I wish I could forget, but every single time I step foot into a hospital, I'm reminded of them."
"Do you want us to wait in there with you? Because we don't mind."
Shaking his head, Kendall pushes the door open and steps out.
"Come on." James takes a step towards him and hugs him tightly, motioning for Logan to get closer. "We'll be okay. We will all be okay. I know you're scared because your dad died in a hospital, and you're scared it will happen again, but it won't, okay? It won't."
"How do you know that?" Kendall asks. "How do you know it won't?"
"I don't, but I know that if Carlos was here, he'd probably chew our ears off for even thinking that."
"I just can't imagine a life without him. He was safe just twenty-four hours ago... He was okay. And now... now he's in the hospital, fighting for his life. How does something like that happen? How could we let this happen?"
"Because we're idiots," Logan speaks up. "But like you said, we're going to do everything we can to protect him once he's out of here. We will not lose him to this. We can't."
So, I'm not really sure if I like the ending, but I couldn't figure out how to end it, and it was getting too long. Let me know what you thought. And thank you for reading. :)
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)
