Hey guys! So, this is kind of a filler chapter for the most part, but something that happens in it will... lead to some other things happening. All I can say is, expect a lot of angst in the next chapter. :) Also, this chapter is over 2,000 words... Seems like the chapters for this story keep getting longer and longer.

Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide. I hope you enjoy. :)


"So... who's going to go in first?" James asks, his gaze moving from Logan to Kendall. Logan just stares back at him and then at the floor, stuffing his hands inside his jeans' pockets. He doesn't say anything in response. "Kendall?"

The blond swallows hard and stares back at James. "Yeah?"

James' eyes move to the door that is separating them from their best friend, and he motions towards it with a shrug of his shoulder. "Who should go first?" he asks, looking to Kendall for an answer.

"Can't we all just go in at once?" Logan finally speaks out, lifting his head and looking at his two best friends. He hates the tension that has grown between them. He hates that they're all acting differently. Kendall doesn't sound at all like the leader he's always known – he seems broken in a way, afraid and cautious, as if he's unsure of himself. And James' eyes reflect nothing but fear and uncertainty, and he hates it. He can't really blame them, though – not when he doesn't feel like himself either. He, too, feels uncertain and afraid and is being consumed by guilt.

"We could, if you guys want—"

"You guys go," Kendall cuts in, not meeting their eyes. "Go see Carlos. I'll go afterwards."

"But Kendall—"

"Just go, Logan," he says stubbornly, offering him a small smile. "Seriously, go."

Logan sends James a worried look, not quite knowing what to do.

"Come on, Logie," James says as he reaches for Logan's arm and tugs him towards him. He sends Kendall a worried look – he doesn't have to say anything for Kendall to know what he's thinking. He knows something is up.

Kendall watches as James hesitantly reaches for the doorknob of Carlos' hospital room and pushes the door open. He walks inside, gently pulling Logan behind him, and then closes the door, leaving Kendall standing by himself outside the room.

"Aren't you gonna go inside?"

Startled, Kendall turns around, only to be met by the sight of Katie, who has her arms crossed over her chest and a frown plastered on her face.

"I... Yeah, I'm just... I just wanted them to go in first, you know? Thought maybe all of us going in at once would be too much."

"You're lying," Katie blurts out, raising an eyebrow at her older brother. "You're not a very good liar, big brother. What's going on?"

Kendall sighs, knowing fully well that he can't fool her. Katie's wise beyond her years and can tell when something is bothering him. It's something Kendall hates, because he feels like she shouldn't be worrying over him. He is the oldest after all; she's only eleven. Even with the boys, he feels like they shouldn't worry over him.

"I feel like this is all my fault somehow," he says so quietly that Katie is barely able to hear him. He presses his back against the wall and lets his body slide against it, until he is sitting on the floor, with his knees pulled up to his chest. "I knew something was wrong, Katie... I had this feeling, like something wasn't quite right, but I thought, 'Hey, this is Carlos. He'd tell you if something was wrong,' but... he never did. Even when I asked, he acted like everything was okay – like he wasn't being eaten alive in the inside."

"What if he wasn't?" Katie asks as she takes a seat next to him. "What if the doctors are wrong and it really was just an accident?"

"It wasn't. They found... they found evidence of self-harm. They're doctors, Katie, I'm sure they wouldn't just assume that without knowing all the facts. Besides, what would Carlos be doing outside, in a busy intersection past midnight? Not to mention that something was off about him. He did this to himself, Katie. It wasn't an accident. We were just... too blind to realize that something was wrong."

"You shouldn't be blaming yourself for this, though. None of you should," Katie mumbles. She lets her head fall against Kendall's shoulder, her eyes staring straight ahead. "I know this whole thing sucks, and I know you feel like this is your fault for not noticing it sooner, but he kept it from you for a reason. This is nobody's fault. It's not your fault, or Logan's, or James', or Carlos'. We don't know why Carlos felt the need to hurt himself, and until we know why this happened, you shouldn't be pointing fingers, not even at yourselves."

"I know."

"Then? Why do you keep doing it?"

"I don't know, Katie. It's just my stupid brain being... stupid."

"Your brain's not stupid," Katie says, lifting her head and turning to look at Kendall. "You feel bad, because he's your best friend and you're the 'leader.' But, big brother, you're not to blame for everything. You're not Superman. I know you feel like you have to protect the guys from everything, but there are some things even you can't protect them from."

"I should have tried harder," Kendall mutters, blinking back the tears that have gathered in his eyes. "I should have tried harder, but–but I didn't, and now... now he's here because of it. He's here because I didn't try harder, because I couldn't protect him."

"Do you think Carlos would want you to blame yourself for this whole thing?"

"No..."

"Then do your best to stop blaming yourself. Go in there, be with him, be with the guys. They need you now more than ever, but you also need them, so stop bottling everything up. Let them be there for you. They care about you just as much as you care about them."

"I know, it's just... hard."

"I know, but you'll feel a lot better once you let them in, and I'm sure they will, too."

Kendall lets out a shaky sigh and turns to his younger sister, his lips turning upwards a bit in a small smile. "Yeah, I guess you're right," he mumbles before moving to stand up.

"I'm always right." Katie grins and rises to her feet as well. "Now go," she urges as she reaches for the doorknob and swings the door open, pushing Kendall inside before he can stop her.


James cautiously walks into the room, Logan hot on his heels. Nothing could have prepared him for the sight that greets him as soon as he steps foot in the hospital room. As soon as his eyes land on Carlos' still body, he feels like his legs might give out from underneath him or like he might throw up – perhaps a combination of both.

"Oh God," he hears Logan gasp from behind him, his smaller body cowering behind James'. There are countless machines and tubes that are connected to Carlos' body – tubes and machines James knows nothing about but is sure that Logan does. He can only imagine how terrifying this must be for him.

"Are you okay?" James chokes out, his eyes welling up with tears he's doing his best to hold back. "Logan?" he asks, turning around to look at the shorter brunet.

Logan hums in response, his eyes staring at the form of their best friend laying on the white hospital bed. "Just... shocked," he mutters, holding on to James' arm with a strong grip – so strong, in fact, that James wouldn't be surprised if it left some bruising. If it were any other circumstance, he would pull away, but he can't – partly because his mind is somewhere else. "Are you?" Logan asks in a shaky voice after a few seconds, his eyes never leaving Carlos.

"No," James confesses, inhaling sharply. Without another word, he moves towards Carlos' bedside, sighing in relief when Logan finally lets go of his arm.

"It's... okay to cry, you know," Logan says softly, one of his hands landing on James' shoulder. It's nice, knowing that Logan is right beside him. It's nice knowing he's not alone.

"He just... he looks so... broken," James chokes out, the fingertips of his right hand ghosting over Carlos' hand. "Oh God, how could we have let this happen?" Without warning, James collapses on the chair that was left placed beside the bed and takes Carlos' hand in between his own, no longer being able to hold back his tears. "I'm so sorry, Los. I'm so, so sorry. I'm s-sorry we couldn't see you were h-hurting. I'm sorry we weren't b-better friends. I'm s-s-sorry!"

"James..." Logan trails off, biting hard on his bottom lip to stop the tears that so desperately plead to be let loose. "James, he's not— he's not d-dead, James." The word 'dead' sounds bitter in his tongue, even though he knows that Carlos is still alive and that there is a chance he could wake up. The fact that James is talking to him as if he's already dead, makes him wonder if he ever really will wake up.

"He looks dead," James replies bluntly, more tears coming to his eyes at his own words. Behind him, he hears Logan let out a sob, making him immediately regret what he has said. "Logan, I'm so sorry." He stands up and turns to Logan, wrapping both of his arms around him tightly. At first, Logan pushes against him, angry tears clouding his vision, but he eventually goes limp in James' arms and shields his face in the taller boy's shoulder.

"I don't want him to d-die," Logan stammers out, his arms wrapping around James' waist and fisting the fabric of James' jacket with his hands. "It hurts, James. It hurts so much."

"I know," James replies softly, the words barely making themselves past his lips. "I know it hurts, and I know there's nothing I can say that'll make you feel any better, but..." he trails off, unsure of what to say next. "But he'll wake up. I mean, he has to, right? This can't... this can't be the end. We can't lose him like this. We can't lose him now."

Logan nods his head but doesn't say anything.

"It's gonna be okay, Logie," James whispers in his ear as he rubs small circles against Logan's back. "I don't know how, but it's gonna be okay."

"I just want him to wake up so badly. I want to be able to talk to him."

"You can talk to him."

"That's not what I mean, James." Logan pulls away, drying the tears from his face with his hand. He blinks several times before looking up at James, his eyes bloodshot and tired. "I want him to be able to respond. I want to know why he did this. I just want answers, you know? I want to be able to understand why—"

That's when Kendall walks in, stopping in front of the two boys and giving them each a questioning look. "What's going on?" he manages to choke out, growing worried.

"Nothing, Logie just kinda broke down," James responds, earning a glare from said boy.

"You did, too," Logan points out.

Kendall brushes past the two boys, taking the seat James had sat in only a few minutes before and grabbing ahold of Carlos' hand. "Hey, Litos," he whispers, his eyes landing on the smaller boy's bruised face. He sighs, his shoulders slumping as he lets his head rest against Carlos' chest, hot tears making their way to his eyes. "We need you," he mumbles, suddenly feeling like he can't breathe properly. "We need you to be okay, so please, please hang in there, okay?" He lifts his head and stares at Carlos' face, as if expecting a reaction, but there's nothing – no indication that he can hear him, no indication that he will wake up.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, and when he turns, he finds the owner of it to be James. Logan is standing at the foot of the bed, looking at him with worried brown eyes.

"Kendall, are you okay?" Logan asks quietly, as if afraid to utter those words. He wants nothing more than to go up to Kendall and hug him, but he's afraid that he'll be pushed away. Kendall doesn't usually like to admit when he's not okay, and when he does, it's usually James he runs to, because for whatever reason, he finds it easier to break down in front of James, than in front of him or Carlos. Logan thinks it might have to do with the fact that he's the leader and feels the need to protect them both, whereas James is a bit more independent and not as sensitive as the two of them. Logan knows that it's not because Kendall doesn't trust them – it's because he feels the need to be strong around them both, but with James, it's not always like that.

"I don't know," he mumbles, struggling to get to his feet. He feels everything around him start to rotate, as if he's in a merry-go-round instead of a hospital room, and there are black spots dancing around in his vision. "I don't..."

Before James or Logan can comprehend what is happening, Kendall's eyes roll to the back of his head and he falls backwards, startling James, who is almost knocked off his feet by Kendall's weight collapsing against him.

"Kendall?" James' eyes go wide, and he turns to Logan wish a shocked expression on his face. "Kendall, can you hear me? Kendall, please say something," he says with more desperation in his voice, but Kendall remains limp in his arms.


Don't worry, Kendall will be fine... sorta. What did you guys think? Anything you wanna see in the story, let me know. Thank you for reading. :)

~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)