Title: "The Cognitive Confession Sessions" - Chapter 1
Rating: T
Author's Note: I decided to write my take on the Shamy break up, even though there are tons of amazing fics out there about it already. However, I'm taking a bit of a different approach. I'm sending Amy to therapy. I have read a couple of fics about Sheldon going to therapy, but I've yet to see one about Amy going. (Not to say there's never been one- I just haven't seen one.) And I definitely think this is something she could have done.
I have utilized therapy in the past and have found it very helpful, but... I am not a psychologist in any way, shape, or form, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't nail it.
Amy sat nervously in a waiting room, playing a game of Sudoku on her phone. Her legs were crossed and her foot would not stop swinging back and forth. She was anxious and the game wasn't doing enough to distract her. She sighed heavily and placed the phone in her lap with her hands folded over it, as she looked around the room, taking in all the details.
The psychiatrist's office was actually a small brick house on the outskirts of Pasadena. She was sitting in the front room that had been converted to a waiting area. The room was decorated with brown leather couches and chairs. The walls were covered in a subtle, floral patterned wallpaper. The floors were dark wood and a plush, cream-colored rug was centered in the room, between all the seats. In the middle of the rug was a retro-style coffee table, holding a small vase of fresh flowers and a stack of current magazines. There was a potted tree in one corner. There were windows on the walls behind Amy and to her right. Pretty pillows were strewn on the furniture and artwork dotted the walls. The wall directly in front of Amy consisted of double sliding wooden doors, blocking the room behind it from view. There was no wall to her left. Instead it was completely open, leading to the receptionist's area. A giant L-shaped desk separated the rooms and she could just barely see the top of the perky, young receptionist's blonde head. Amy could hear her tapping away at the keyboard on the desk.
Amy sighed and reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. She was exhausted, tense, and nervous. She hadn't been sleeping well since her split from Sheldon and she didn't know what to expect from this appointment.
Just then, a short brunette woman in her mid-fifties, holding a clipboard, walked past the reception desk and into the waiting room. "Dr. Fowler?" she asked with a smile.
"Yes." Amy stood up and grabbed her things.
"I'm Dr. Ross. Come on back to my office." The doctor turned and headed back down a short hallway with Amy close on her heels.
Dr. Charlotte Ross was prim and pretty, Amy thought. She was wearing a long-sleeved, baby pink blouse, grey dress pants, and comfortable looking black wedges. Her hair was stylishly coifed in a light brown, neck-length bob. A delicate string of tiny pearls sat around her neck, nestled at the hollow of her throat. Matching earrings adorned her ears. The ring finger on her left hand carried a modest engagement and wedding band set.
Next to her, Amy felt frumpy in her usual attire of tights, skirt, blouse, and cardigan.
They entered an office and Dr. Ross gestured to the modern grey couch on the left of the room. "Make yourself comfortable," she said with another warm smile.
Amy dropped her purse on the couch, then sat, straight backed, with her hands cupping her knees.
The office was warm and welcoming. The walls were the lightest shade of grey with white trim. There was a faint hint of vanilla in the air. Natural light spilled into the room from a pair of sliding glass doors and Amy could see there was a lovely sitting area and garden on the other side. It was very private, with brick walls covered in vines and lots of colorful flowers. There was even a bird bath with a small fountain in the center of it. Amy thought she would enjoy reading a book out there.
The office was decorated with book shelves and more pretty pillows and artwork, along with several live plants. The doctor's desk was tucked into the corner with a large monitor on it. There were family photos on the desk, but Amy had just barely caught a glimpse of them as she walked in. In front of the desk was a wide, plush, navy blue chair, and Amy watched as the doctor plopped herself gracefully onto it.
"So, it says here on your welcome form that you're a neurobiologist at Caltech. That's very impressive."
"Thank you," Amy murmured.
"What is your area of focus, if you don't mind me asking?" Dr. Ross asked warmly. Her tone of voice put Amy at ease. She seemed kind, almost motherly.
"No, of course not. I primarily work on addiction studies. I study the effects of addiction on Capuchin monkeys. I also do quite a bit of work with brain tumors."
"That is absolutely fascinating. I would love to hear more about that sometime. So, Amy... May I call you Amy?" Dr. Ross asked.
"Yes."
"Great, thank you. Amy, what I typically like to do for a first visit is ask why you are here and what you're hoping to get out of therapy. I will be taking notes, if that's okay with you. It's just so I can refresh my memory between sessions. The older I get, the worse my memory is." She laughed softly and Amy smiled back at her, feeling more relaxed every minute.
"So, if you want to just jump right in..."
"Sure, um... Well, the primary reason I am here is because I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years and... Actually, it's kind of a long story, and I want to explain all of that to you, but the short version is, I just need someone to talk to about it."
"And you don't feel you can talk about your break up with your friends or family?" Dr. Ross asked kindly.
Amy smiled sadly and looked down at her hands. "Actually, that's part of the long story."
"Well then, why don't you just start at the beginning?"
Amy nodded and sat back against the couch. "Okay." She took a deep breath and looked up at the doctor. "I met my boyfriend… uh, ex-boyfriend, a little over five years ago on a blind date. His name is Sheldon. He's a theoretical physicist at Caltech. Sheldon's two friends, Rajesh and Howard, had created a profile for him on the same dating website I used and we matched. They set up the date and then hid a dirty sock in Sheldon's apartment to trick him into going."
Dr. Ross' forehead wrinkled in confusion. "A dirty sock?"
Amy chuckled. "Yeah, he's… Well, he's a bit of a germaphobe… Anyway, Raj and Howard drove him to the coffee shop where we met for the first time. We hit it off right away. Back then, I was a different person." Amy chewed on the inside of her cheek, contemplating that silently.
"Would you like to elaborate on that?"
"I grew up as a single child with an incredibly strict mother. My father is a pushover and always went along with whatever my mother said. I was very sheltered and not allowed to do much of anything besides attend school. I was very smart and, to be frank, a bit of an odd duck, if you will. I didn't fit in anywhere. By the time I left home for college, I had built up so many walls to protect myself that I didn't even try anymore. I threw myself into my education and then my work. The only reason I went out with Sheldon in the first place was because my mother and I had a deal that I would go on at least one date per year, in order to keep her off my back about finding a husband. When Sheldon and I met, I was thirty-years-old and had never had a friend in my life, much less a boyfriend."
"That sounds incredibly isolating and painful."
Amy smiled ruefully. "Yeah." She shrugged. "Meeting Sheldon changed everything. From that first blind date, we just… understood each other. The first few months after our date, we talked via text or Skype every day, but we never saw each other in person. We were just friends. Neither one of us had any interest in a romantic relationship. Honestly, I was just so happy to have a friend that it… didn't really occur to me that we could be anything more."
"Why did you end up seeing each other, in person, again?"
"His friends talked him into it, specifically his friend Penny. Everyone called me his girlfriend, even though we weren't, yet. And Penny insisted that he needed to be around me in person for us to truly be 'friends,' though I am sure at the time she meant boyfriend/girlfriend."
"How did that go? Seeing him again?"
"It was great. Our friendship continued much the same as before, except we also saw each other in person a few times a month. I often accompanied him to dinner with his friend group."
Amy could almost see the light bulb going off over Dr. Ross' head. "Ah, I think I see where this is going."
Amy nodded. "The core group is Sheldon, his roommate and best friend, Leonard, and their two other friends, Howard and Rajesh. They're all scientists that work at Caltech. Well, Howard is an engineer but he works at Caltech with them."
"About nine years ago, Penny moved into the apartment across the hall from Sheldon and Leonard. Leonard and Penny just got married last week. Shortly before I met Sheldon, Penny introduced her co-worker, Bernadette, to Howard. They're now married, as well. Penny is now my best friend and we are also very close with Bernadette."
Amy paused and looked down at her hands. She picked at her nails and sighed.
"Becoming a part of their social group changed me, in a good way. I don't think they even liked me at first." Amy's lips curved slightly but there was no humor in her voice. "I used to be almost robotic, emotionless. I was very blunt and probably too honest. I didn't know how to act around people after being rejected and essentially isolated for so many years. They... they taught me how to be human again."
Amy smiled sadly, quietly reminiscing those early days.
"The seven of us are pretty close. We hang out multiple times a week, have dinner, go to the movies. The girls and I have 'Girls' Night' on a pretty regular basis while the guys do their nerdy stuff. Sometimes we go on weekend trips together."
Amy's chin trembled and tears clogged up her voice. "I love them all. They're my family now."
She looked up at Dr. Ross and quickly wiped away the tears that fell down her cheeks.
"The day we broke up, I called them 'my friends' and Sheldon corrected me and said they were his friends. I'm worried that breaking up with Sheldon means I broke up with all of them." Amy dug the heels of her hands into her eyes. "I can't..." She choked on a sob. "I can't go back to my life like it was before. It was so lonely. And now that I know what it's like to be a part of... them... I'm not sure I could survive going back."
"Who says you have to? Are they shutting you out?"
"No, actually, they've all been incredibly sweet. Just before we broke up, Sheldon suggested that Bernadette was taking my side, so he claimed Howard for his side, and Howard immediately said he wasn't picking sides. Also, they comforted me directly after I broke up with him. I don't think any of them are particularly surprised by our break up. They know how Sheldon is."
"Tell me about him."
"Where do I even begin?" Amy smiled slightly. "Sheldon is a genius. He has an IQ of 187. He went to college at age eleven and got his first PhD at sixteen. His whole goal in life is to win a Nobel Prize. He's the smartest person I've ever met." She sighed. "He's also the most frustrating and infuriating person I've ever met."
Amy sank back into the couch. "When we first met, I was enthralled by him. We had so much in common. No one understands me quite like he does."
Her chin trembled again, but she fought off the tears, refusing to give into them.
"We were both awkward and robotic. He also suffered from bullying during childhood and threw himself into his work. The difference was that he had made friends in adulthood. But he never made me feel less than. We were... equals."
"And now?" Dr. Ross asked gently.
"I... I don't know. We have both changed, both grown. But he's still... miles behind me. I always hoped... Well, my five year plan was that we would be married by now... Yet, we haven't even..." Amy trailed off awkwardly and felt her cheeks heat up with a blush. She hated admitting this part. It was bad enough that they were a joke to their friend group; telling strangers was even more embarrassing.
"Haven't even?" Dr. Ross finally asked when Amy didn't continue.
"Been intimate," Amy whispered, lowering her gaze to her lap again. "Neither one of us has ever been with anyone, like that, before. I... I think he might be asexual."
"And you're not?" Dr. Ross' voice was soft and gentle.
Amy shook her head. "Definitely not." Then she leaned forward, placing her face in her hands. "I want... I want everything with him. Intimacy, yes, but also marriage, children, a... a future together."
"He doesn't want that?"
"Well... we have talked about having children together but it was more of a theoretical discussion. Because we are both so smart, he believes we owe it to the universe to gift the world with our progeny." She snorted and rolled her eyes. "I just want... a family, a place in this life. And he... he wants to go to Mars."
"Mars?" Dr. Ross asked with a confused look on her face.
Amy laughed. "Apparently, there is a company that is attempting to colonize life on Mars. He applied to be one of the first people to go."
"Oh."
"Yeah... He didn't tell me anything about it until after he applied. He… he didn't even think about me," Amy murmured sadly.
"Did you talk this over with him, tell him how you felt?"
"Yes. I told him it hurt me. I told him he should at the very least have told me before filling out the application. He said that's what all of our friends said. He told everyone else. So, he knew... He knew I would want to know and yet, he still didn't tell me."
"Why do you think that is? That he told everyone but you?"
"Probably because he thought I would try to stop him."
"Would you have tried to stop him?"
Amy hesitated for a moment, then decided to be honest. "Yes. But I also would have 'let him,' if you will. I just wanted to be included in the process. I want our relationship to be important enough to him that we could have an open and honest discussion before he makes a huge decision like that. I want him to think, 'How would Amy feel if I moved to another planet?' Instead, he just thought about himself and made sure I couldn't stop him from doing what he wanted."
"What happened after that?"
"He asked if I wanted him to withdraw his application. I told him I wanted to be planning our future together. Then he asked me to go to Mars with him... so I filled out an application. We joked that our kids would be Martians. We made a new application video together."
"I sense a but..."
"But... It's not what I really want. I... caved because that's what I always do when it comes to Sheldon. I always put his needs first and he never put my needs first."
Dr. Ross nodded and placed the clipboard down on her lap. "Let me ask you something... Have you noticed that you're using present tense to describe your relationship, as if you are still together?"
Amy was surprised. "I… No, I guess I didn't realize."
"How long ago did the two of you break up?"
"Nine days ago."
"Wow, you were fast getting in to see me." Dr. Ross picked up the clipboard and made a note.
Amy nodded. "I did my research and picked out my top five potential therapists. Ultimately, I chose you because I was able to get in the quickest and schedule regular sessions. I... knew that I needed to get on top of this quickly before I... before I lose... everything."
"I am new to the area and still building up a client base, hence the availability of appointments."
Amy nodded in understanding.
Dr. Ross glanced at her watch. "I want to delve more into your relationship with Sheldon next time we meet. For now, I want you to tell me what it is you're hoping to achieve with therapy."
Any nibbled her lower lip. "I guess I just want some guidance and support from a neutral party. I'm not close with my parents. I'm pretty sure my mother doesn't approve of Sheldon. All of my friends are Sheldon's friends. Even Penny. She knew him first. They're almost like brother and sister. Before we broke up, she told me to do what makes me happy and was supportive of my decision. Like I said, they know how Sheldon is. But it's difficult to be completely honest and open with them when I know they're also receiving information from Sheldon and may potentially tell him the things I say." Amy paused and took a deep breath. "And..."
Dr. Ross waited patiently, giving Amy a soft, encouraging smile.
"I'm afraid. I'm scared to lose them. I'm scared to be alone again. I don't want to go back to my old life. I'm hoping that by coming here, I will learn how to be Sheldon's friend, how to be around him in social situations without fighting, without it being awkward. Because if we can't do that..." Amy's voice shook. "I just... I can't go back. The past five years have been the best years of my life."
Dr. Ross smiled kindly. "Well, I look forward to helping you through this difficult time. Do you mind if I give you one piece of advice for the immediate future?"
"I would actually really appreciate that," Amy said and sat up on the edge of the couch again.
"Don't let your friends shut you out. It can be easy sometimes in situations like these to be overly sensitive and emotional when you're fearing the worst. Make the effort. If they invite you out, go. If you haven't heard from them in a couple days, make contact. Organize a girls night. Meet them for dinner. If there's a movie coming out that you know they would be interested in, invite them to see it with you. Be an active participant and don't let them forget about you."
Amy smiled and nodded firmly. "Okay." She clapped her hands on her knees. "I can do that."
Dr. Ross smiled. "Good. For your next appointment, be thinking of your relationship with Sheldon and why things ended the way they did, when they did, and we'll dive deeper into that, okay?"
Amy chuckled. "Considering it's all I think about these days, I don't think that will be a problem."
"Alright then. I look forward to our next appointment," Dr. Ross said with a smile.
"Me too," Amy said truthfully.
"I'll walk you out." The two women stood and made their way to the door.
Amy sat in her car, holding on to the steering wheel loosely. That hadn't been so bad. She had never been to therapy before, though she was absolutely positive that she could have used it as a teenager and younger adult.
She had been nervous, but Dr. Ross had been so kind and warm and helpful. Amy hated that she had cried, but figured if she was going to cry, it may as well be in front of a therapist instead of her friends.
She was still worried about losing all of them, of getting slowly forgotten as they all bent to Sheldon's will. But she would take Dr. Ross' advice and do her very best to hang onto them and not let them push her out.
Amy grinned and put the car in drive. She could do this.
End Note: This chapter is the first of eight. I will be posting a new chapter every other day. Let me know your thoughts in the reviews! It would be greatly appreciated.
