Title: "The Cognitive Confession Sessions" - Chapter 2

Rating: T

Author's Note: The whole time I was preparing for this story, I was struggling with the timeline. Sheldon and Amy went on their break in a May 2015 episode - the season 8 finale. During that episode, they were celebrating the five year anniversary of their first date. So they met in the season 3 finale and their 5th anniversary was the season 8 finale.

When they actually broke up, though, it was 9x01, which aired in September 2015. However, the time difference within the show was less than 24 hours. They never skipped a three month time period as far as I can tell.

So I went back and forth on how to write this, especially because one of the episodes I eventually cover will be the Thanksgiving episode of S9 when Sheldon and Amy go to the aquarium before they get back together. I can't remember if they ever say in the show how long Amy and Sheldon were broken up, but whenever I've read fanfics about it, people always seem to say three months. But if you go by episode dates, it technically would have been 6-ish months, which honestly doesn't feel right to me.

I hope that makes sense… I guess what I am saying is… Don't think too hard about the timeline when you're reading this. I did and it hurt my brain. :)

This chapter is very dialogue heavy. It's loooong and it's basically Amy giving her therapist a timeline of the Shamy relationship. (Hence my rambling above about timing.)

I hope you enjoy!


Amy sat down on the grey couch in Dr. Ross' office and smiled at the older woman.

"Hello."

"How are you today?" Dr. Ross asked, returning the smile.

"About as good as can be expected," Amy responded with a small shrug as she relaxed into the sofa.

"Has anything happened in the two weeks since I've seen you that you would specifically like to discuss today?"

"Well, last time you gave me some advice and told me not to let my friends shut me out. And I am actually quite pleased with how things are going in that department," Amy said, while smoothing her skirt with her fingers.

The two women smiled at each other.

"I am very happy to hear that. Tell me more," Dr. Ross said.

"Well, Penny, Bernadette, and I have had several girls' nights. Everything in regards to that has been great. Although…" Amy trailed off for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "I haven't really seen the guys very much. I suppose that's to be expected, because usually Sheldon is with them. I did feel kind of left out due to one event that I missed. Our friends, Howard and Rajesh, wrote a song and performed it at their favorite comic book store and everyone went except for me."

"Did they invite you?"

"Well… it's not really that I wasn't invited, I mean… I knew about it and I could have gone, but Sheldon was going to be there and… I just felt… I don't know. I felt like I would be out of place, I guess? Going to the comic book store was never really my thing… I had only been there a handful of times, always with Sheldon. Bernadette was there, of course, because it was her husband, Howie, that was playing. Penny went because Leonard went. I guess it just didn't feel like my thing, but at the same time, I also felt left out because I was the only one who didn't go and I probably would have gone if Sheldon and I were still together."

"I think that's normal, to feel left out, even if it wasn't deliberate on the part of your friends," Dr. Ross said kindly.

"I guess I should have gone, like you said… Go when I'm invited, don't let them forget about me. No one said I couldn't go. No one would have minded if I had been there, except maybe Sheldon, of course."

"Well, you certainly don't have to go to every gathering of your social group, but I would just keep in mind that friendship is a two way street. If they start shutting you out and you let them, it could potentially wither away, and I know that's not what you want."

"I'm definitely trying. Your advice made me feel better about it, to understand that it is a two way street and I have to put effort into it, as well. I think I would have let things fade out more, in an effort to protect myself, if it weren't for your reminder. However, I do wish I could figure out a way to smooth things over with Sheldon so we could be around each other without it being an issue."

"So, let's dive into that. Last time we talked we said we were going to take a deeper look into your relationship. In order for me to help you develop a friendship with Sheldon, I need to know more about him, more about your relationship, etcetera. To start, I think you should give me a general timeline of your relationship. I know you were friends for awhile before you dated. Just go into all of that and bring me up to present time in more detail."

Amy nodded. "Okay. Well, we met in May of 2010. We didn't see each other again until September of 2010, but like I said, we were in contact nearly every day via text or Skype. After that, we started seeing each other a few times a month and I started hanging out with Penny and Bernie for girls' nights. Then I started joining the whole group for dinners more frequently and basically integrated into the group. Even though Sheldon and I weren't technically dating, all of our friends basically thought of us as boyfriend and girlfriend. And the longer we were friends, the more I fell in love with him. I started to want more and make that known to him, but we never took that step. Sheldon was resistant to the idea. Then towards the end of 2011, our friend, Stuart, asked me out on a date. Sheldon made it clear that I was welcome to go if I wanted, because we weren't in a romantic relationship… So I went, even though I had no interest in Stuart that way. I probably used him, really, hoping to get a rise out of Sheldon. I don't feel great about that, but… it worked."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Sheldon interrupted my second date with Stuart - we were at the movies - and asked me to be his girlfriend. It was kind of funny, really. He struggled to ask me but I made him spell it out for me, what he really wanted. I said yes, obviously."

Amy twisted her fingers together, looking down at her lap. "After my date with Stuart ended, Sheldon was waiting for me at my apartment and… we signed the first Relationship Agreement." Amy glanced up at Dr. Ross, curious about her reaction. She had been wanting to get the doctor's opinion about the contract.

Dr. Ross played it cool, simply arching an eyebrow. "Interesting… Go on."

"Sheldon is a stickler for rules. He needs to know what is expected of him and he also wants to control everything and skew things in his favor when he can. He has a Roommate Agreement with Leonard, which details all the rules of them living together, what the bathroom schedule is… It's really in depth. Sheldon rarely misses anything and if he does, he will add an addendum. It's intense and I know it has caused a lot of issues between him and Leonard over the years. However, when he showed up at my apartment with the Relationship Agreement, I was over the moon. I was so excited to be his girlfriend that I probably would have agreed to anything he wanted at the time."

"Tell me more about what the agreement entails."

"Well, he had rules about date nights. When they would be, where they would be, how often, that kind of thing. He also had rules for physical contact. We were only allowed to hold hands in certain situations - if one of us was about to fall or when we got our flu shots, etcetera. Not for romantic reasons, of course. We had directions on what to do if one of us was injured or sick. Then there was the wacky, out there things that he always puts into his agreements, though they are not at all plausible. Like what to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse."

"Wow," Dr. Ross said, scribbling something onto her clipboard. Amy's stomach dropped. She felt like back-pedaling once she realized how crazy she had just made Sheldon sound.

"That stuff was just… it wasn't a big deal. Most of it was rules about physical contact and expectations for date nights and things like that. He's just a nerd… He's into that kind of stuff, zombies, superheroes, comic books, alien invasions. It's just one of his quirks, it's not like… delusions or anything. As he likes to say, he's not crazy, his mother had him tested."

Dr. Ross chuckled slightly, then gestured for Amy to continue.

"As time moved on and we got further into our relationship, I was able to ask for addendums to the Relationship Agreement. For example, we eventually added more scenarios for when holding hands was acceptable. I wanted to hold his hand when we went to the movies, things like that. We would have a conversation about it and come to a compromise, then he would update the agreement and we would both re-sign it and carry on."

"As time passed, were you always accepting of the Relationship Agreement? Did you like having one?"

"Yes and no. I mean, at first, it didn't really bother me. I think Sheldon may be on the autism spectrum. Having these kind of documents is incredibly helpful for him because he knows what is expected of him. He thrives on rules and regulations. That part doesn't bother me. In fact, sometimes it was good, like to know that we would have date nights on a schedule and I wouldn't have to fight to get him to spend time with me."

"What did bother you?"

"I just wanted our relationship to be more organic than that, you know? I didn't want to have rules on when I was allowed to touch him or kiss him. I wanted our relationship to be more relaxed… more… real, then the Relationship Agreement allowed. Like, if I was having a rough day, maybe I would just want to snuggle on the couch. But it wasn't in the agreement, so we didn't do it. That kind of thing."

"So you struggled the most with the physical restrictions?"

"Yes. Especially as time went on and we grew closer and I wanted… more."

"That's understandable. Human contact is an essential part of life. It's an absolute requirement for infants when it comes to developing bonds with other human beings. That carries on throughout life."

Amy nodded. "I've seen the brain scans. It's truly fascinating stuff."

Amy paused, shifting in her seat. "Can I ask you... What is your opinion on the Relationship Agreement? I mean, now that I've explained it to you. I know that all that matters is how I feel about it, but I'd like to hear an outsider's opinion. All of our friends are used to Sheldon's contracts and think they're ridiculous. I'd like to know what you think from a psychiatrist's perspective."

Dr. Ross sat back in her chair, laying the clipboard down in her lap. "Well, like you said, what truly matters is how you feel. That being said... For someone like Sheldon, I can understand how having a contract would be helpful. And I don't think the idea of it is inherently wrong or unhealthy, especially if it works for the two of you."

She paused, gathering her thoughts. "But therein lies the problem. It has to work for both of you. And from what I've gathered, his contracts are generally skewed in his favor."

Amy nodded. "They are," she murmured quietly.

"My suggestion would be... if he insists on having a relationship agreement, that you two start from scratch and write it together. And that you clearly communicate your needs to him and listen to his needs. Work together to compromise and don't sign anything until it's perfect, for both of you."

Dr. Ross leaned forward. "That is, if you two were to get back together. Or even if you have to sign some form of friendship agreement if you make that work. Either way, the communication has to be there and you have to work together. It seems like a lot of your problems stem from a lack of communication."

Once again, Amy nodded. "Thank you. That's very helpful."

Dr. Ross smiled. "Why don't you continue the timeline and we can delve into more details after."

"Okay, so, we started officially dating at the end of 2011. Oh, I forgot to mention one thing. Our first kiss technically happened in mid-2011, but I was drunk and made a move on him and I don't even remember it. So I don't know if it even counts. The second time we kissed was shortly after we officially started dating. He upset me and to make it up to me, Leonard told him to buy me a gift. He bought me a tiara, like… a real one, with real jewels, the whole thing."

"A tiara?"

"Yes. I felt like a princess. I forgave him for upsetting me and basically jumped on him, giving him a quick kiss and a hug."

"What was Sheldon apologizing for? What did he do that upset you?"

"I had told him that I was having an article published in Neuron magazine and that it made the cover. He..." Amy paused, swallowing thickly. She hadn't realized how much this still hurt. "He didn't care. He always says my work is about 'yucky, squishy things.'"

"Am I safe to assume that you forgave him and never had a conversation about how he made you feel when he did that?"

Amy rubbed her hands down her face. "Yes. That is a correct assumption. I know Leonard and Penny talked to him about it, but he and I never had a conversation about it after that."

She groaned and flipped back against the couch cushions. "I'm starting to realize how much blame I have in this whole mess," Amy muttered.

"There is no blame here. Relationships are between two people. There are actions and there are reactions. Both of you had positive and negative actions. Both of you had positive and negative reactions. The key is how you work together and communicate. Blame only damages relationships."

"Wow," Amy whispered as her thoughts turned inward. She was starting to see her relationship with Sheldon in a whole new light. She had been so bitter, thinking about all the 'actions' Sheldon had gotten wrong in their relationship. It hadn't occurred to her that her 'reactions' were just as much of an issue.

"Your second kiss and the tiara brings us back to around to..."

"Early 2012. The next two years were mostly uneventful in terms of movement in our relationship. I mean, things happened. We had our ups and downs. I tried to do things to increase his affection for me. He said a lot of stupid things. I started helping him with an internet show about flags. I started working at Caltech in that time frame. He took care of me when I had the flu. There was one point where our whole group was together at Sheldon's apartment and we ended up playing Dungeons and Dragons. I don't know if you've heard of it..."

"I've heard of it but don't know much about it," Dr. Ross replied.

"It's a table top fantasy role-playing game. The guys are so nerdy about it." Amy waved her hand in dismissal. "It's not important. Anyway, Penny suggested that Sheldon's character and my character "do it" in the game since we don't do it in real life. Of course, everyone thought that would be a wonderful idea. Howard put a love spell on us and started describing a love scene between our characters. It made me feel... violated and... ridiculed. We were just a joke to them."

"That sounds painful," Dr. Ross murmured sympathetically.

Amy nodded, looking down at her lap. Her hair fell across her face, obscuring her view. She reached up to push it back.

"I ran off to Sheldon's room. After a few minutes, he followed me back. I told him that all of our friends thought our relationship was a joke."

Amy swallowed the lump in her throat. "He was so sweet. He said, 'I don't think our relationship is a joke.'" Amy sniffled. "I asked him if we were ever going to have an intimate relationship. He told me that before he met me he had never had any interest in being intimate with anyone. I asked him if he had any interest now. He said..." Amy smiled, tears sparkling in her eyes. "He said, 'I haven't ruled it out.' Then he told me that what we had together was extremely intimate to him."

She laughed softly. "Then he suggested we complete the game with our characters. He always has to finish things. He grabbed an extra set of dice and we role-played a love scene right there on his bed. Just words, nothing physical. But it was... it was one of the most intimate and romantic moments of my life." She grinned at Dr. Ross. "And hot." She fanned herself with her hand.

Dr. Ross laughed.

"And… it was one of those rare moments where he put me first, where he did something that was uncomfortable for him just to make me happy."

"That sounds like a good memory."

"Yeah." Amy smiled wistfully. "Now we are up to February 2014, which is the next time we kissed. The first time, really, because he kissed me and I kissed him back. Our first kiss. But he did it out of anger. He was trying to prove a point, but once our lips met..." She sighed dreamily. "It was magic."

Amy smiled again, a faraway look in her eyes as she relived the moment.

Dr. Ross cleared her throat, bringing Amy back to reality.

"Shortly after that, I asked him to add kissing to the Relationship Agreement. We started sharing kisses at the end of every date night. That was so nice, for awhile it felt like our relationship was moving forward, but then everything went to hell."

"Tell me about that."

"In May 2014, Sheldon had multiple things happen in his life that upset the status quo for him. Caltech was refusing to let Sheldon change his field of study, which he really wanted to do. Leonard and Penny wanted to move in together, leaving Sheldon roommate-less. I suggested that he try living alone and if he didn't like it, we could live together. Then the comic book store burnt down. He… basically had a mid-life crisis. And he left."

"He left?"

Amy sighed heavily. This part of their relationship hurt so much. She hated thinking about it.

"Sheldon loves trains. So he got on one and left for forty-five days. He went on a 'journey', I guess, to try and figure out what he wanted with his life. I didn't blame him for that - I know how much he hates change and so many big things happened all at once. But it really hurt because he didn't even tell me. We had a fight right before he left... or rather, I upset him when I suggested we live together. I don't know if that's why he didn't tell me, or if he just didn't want me to try and stop him, or maybe he just didn't want to deal with me and my emotions on top of everything he was already going through."

Amy shrugged, looking down at her hands. "He told Leonard and Penny where he was going and what he was going to do, but I had to hear it from them. I called him and talked to him for a short while after they told me, but for the next forty-five days we didn't have much contact. We mainly e-mailed during that time. Then, he was robbed and forced to get off the train in Arizona, cutting his trip short. He called Leonard to go and pick him up. He didn't call me. But Leonard invited me to go with him, so I went and the first thing Sheldon said to me was, 'Why did you come?'"

Amy frowned, feeling the sting in her heart. "That really hurt. On the way home, he didn't speak directly to me for two hours. When he finally did, I told him I was mad at him, and he said that he had called Leonard because he had failed and didn't want me to think less of him. I was just so surprised that he cared about what I thought at all, so I caved… I forgave him and we moved on and acted like nothing was wrong. But I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to leave again. I was scared to move our relationship forward because the last time I had given him a little push, he had taken off."

"I'm going to make an observation and I want you to tell me if I'm way off base or if it's accurate," Dr. Ross said.

"Okay," Amy said quietly, suddenly nervous.

"It seems to me that you gave into Sheldon and his rules, whims, and demands, on a frequent basis, without communicating with him about how it affected you or made you feel."

Amy looked down at her lap and nodded slightly.

"That's accurate."

"Why?"

Any sighed heavily. "Because... I didn't want to lose him. He was my first friend, my first boyfriend, the first person I ever loved outside of my family. Plus, communication isn't my strong suit, either. I did get to age thirty essentially alone."

"And you bottled all of this up for so long, until you couldn't do it anymore, and you broke up with him… Does that also sound accurate?"

"Yes."

"Does Sheldon understand all of these things? How you felt and why you broke up with him?"

"I... I don't know. Probably not. I'm sure Penny and Leonard have helped him try to understand, but I don't know if he truly does."

"Okay, let's finish up the timeline. He came back in the summer of 2014..."

"For several months, we carried on like nothing had changed, but like I said, I was scared he would leave again, so I was rather gun shy around him. Then, in November, things changed again. The girls and I were having girls' night and Penny had been cleaning out her closet to make room for new clothes for a new job. She had her old prom dress out. We started talking about prom and Bernie had the idea to have a prom do-over, since her prom was terrible and I didn't go. I was so excited about it. The guys all agreed to do it and we decorated the rooftop of Sheldon's apartment building. When it was time to go, Sheldon and Leonard came to Penny's door to pick us girls up. When Sheldon saw me, he panicked and ran to his bedroom. I followed him and knocked on his door. He told me he was having a panic attack. I asked him why and he said it was because there were expectations about prom night and he was afraid I would expect coitus. I guess both Leonard and Penny had made comments about it to him. I told him there was no pressure from me. He finally opened the door. He told me that I looked so pretty that he had started to panic."

Amy smiled sadly. She loved this memory. It made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. At least, it used to. Now it just twisted the knife deeper into her heart.

"I told him that just because he thought I was pretty didn't mean we had to spend the night together. He asked if I was hoping we would. I told him that I was always hoping, but that I had just wanted to have a nice time with him and maybe dance together."

Amy sighed, leaning back against the couch for support. "I decided to take a leap of faith. I told him that I wanted to tell him something and that I didn't expect him to say it back, that I knew he wasn't ready. That I didn't want him to say it back just because social convention says it's what you should do… But before I could say it, he said, 'I love you, too.'"

Amy couldn't help it. Tears started to roll down her cheeks.

"Then I had a panic attack." She laughed softly through her tears. "He had me lay on the couch and elevate my feet with pillows. He took care of me until I calmed down. Then we went to the roof and we had a wonderful time. It was..." Amy sobbed, burying her face in her hands. "It was the best night of my life."

Dr. Ross waited patiently as Amy cried with grief.

Memories of Sheldon holding her close as they danced flooded her mind. He had held her against him, let her lean her head on his shoulder and chest. She had felt so safe that night, so loved. Once the expectations had been wiped off the table, Sheldon had been so sweet and gentle with her. For once, he had paid attention to her, doted on her. He got her drinks, held her hand, never left her side. It truly had been the best night of her life.

The loss of him hurt her to the core.

After a few minutes, Amy wiped her face and apologized.

"I'm sorry, it just hurts."

"You don't have to be sorry for feeling your emotions, Amy." Dr. Ross smiled softly, reassuring her. "Tell me about your relationship between prom and now."

"After we said 'I love you,' things were going so well. We were closer than ever. I thought… I thought things were headed in the right direction. We were kissing more, communicating better. We decided to get a pet turtle. It sounds so silly now, but it felt like a huge step at the time."

"What happened?"

"While we were at the pet store trying to decide which turtle to buy, Sheldon let it slip that he had applied to live on Mars. I was angry and then a turtle bit him, so we left without getting one. Thank goodness."

Amy paused, gathering her thoughts.

"I would say that was the first thing that happened that made me think maybe I should break up with him. Well, him leaving on the train trip was the initial catalyst, but I hadn't really thought of leaving him until the Mars incident. I foolishly thought things were getting better but he proved to me that they weren't. That he was still as selfish as he had always been. So I promised myself I wouldn't put up with anything more after that. That was about three months before our anniversary when everything blew up."

"Tell me what happened."

"We were celebrating the fifth anniversary of our first date. We were kissing on the couch in his apartment and I broke the kiss to ask him if he could believe it had been five years already. Then he asked me if I thought he should start watching a new TV show about The Flash."

"Hmm," Dr. Ross said and scribbled something on the clipboard.

Amy raised an eyebrow, wishing she could see that God forsaken clipboard. "Yeah."

She sighed heavily and carried on.

"I said, 'That's what you're thinking about?' He said it was one of the things. I know how his brain works. He has multiple thoughts going on in his brain at one time. He explained it to me once, that it's like there are multiple TV's playing in his head at the same time. He's learned how to compartmentalize and filter them, but it just felt... like rejection, like he was bored kissing me and thinking about other things. I asked him if any of the things he was thinking about were me, and he said something like, 'I was wondering if I should watch the new Flash series and I thought, 'I know, I'll ask Amy.'"

Amy rubbed her hand over her forehead. It still pissed her off to think about it.

"I called his show stupid and he said that he was wrestling with a big commitment issue deciding whether to watch the show. I was dumbfounded. I said, 'That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with?' and then asked him if he understood the irony of being fixated on a man with super speed when all I could get out of him was a distracted make-out session on a couch."

"That must have been frustrating."

"God, yes. It certainly was. We ended up arguing for a bit longer but it became clear that he really just did not understand what he did wrong. I finally just left."

"So you tried to explain to him why that bothered you?"

"I… Yes, but…" Amy huffed. "I probably didn't try hard enough. I was just so annoyed and hurt and frustrated."

"That's understandable. Then what happened?"

"The next evening, he Skyped me. I had spent the entire night before and the whole day thinking about our relationship and what I needed. So when he called, I told him that being his girlfriend was challenging, emotionally and physically. I told him I loved him, but that I needed some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our relationship. And there began our extremely short-lived break."

"Why short-lived?"

Amy chuckled, but the sound was pained instead of amused.

"Eleven hours later, Sheldon showed up on my doorstep just as I was leaving my apartment. I was headed to Bernadette's house. Leonard and Penny had run off to Vegas to elope, so I was going over there to watch the live stream of their wedding. Sheldon thought eleven hours was surely enough time for me to have thought about things. He asked if he could walk out with me and when I said sure, he said he was glad we were back together again. When I said we weren't back together, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said that I couldn't wait for that first notch on my bed post."

A strangled sound left Dr. Ross' mouth.

"He is such an ass sometimes," Amy said while nodding in agreement with Dr. Ross' exclamation.

"That's when I said I was going to go watch the wedding with my friends and he said they were his friends, not mine. And he wanted to know why he wasn't invited. I told him it was because it would be awkward. He walked me to my car, complaining the whole way about not being invited. I got in my car and left."

Amy reached up and rubbed her hands over her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. This conversation was wearing her out. Reliving all of this was so painful and she just wanted to go home and bury herself under the covers and sleep for days. Not that she would be able to sleep. She hadn't for the last three weeks.

She dropped her hand back into her lap. "I was at Howard and Bernie's house for all of about fifteen minutes when he showed up. We were there to watch our best friends' wedding, but he just couldn't let it go. He kept making comments, pestering me about our relationship. Once again, I told him that I just needed some time to think. He said he didn't understand and wanted to know if we were broken up or not. He accused me of not being able to make up my mind. I told him that it was because he wasn't giving me any space to think."

She shuddered then, hating the next part. She hated all of it. But the part where she actually did it, actually followed through on ending things… It ached heavily in her chest. The pain was so acute, so severe, she almost couldn't breath through it.

Dr. Ross waited quietly, allowing Amy time to gather herself.

"He told me that I better think fast, because men can sire children their entire lives, but the eggs I was 'toting around' have a sell-by date."

Dr. Ross' eyes went wide. She quickly tried to recover, but Amy saw the shock on the doctor's face.

Amy's voice lowered to a near whisper. "I told him that he made it really easy. That he was immature and selfish and had just insulted me. That I didn't need any more time to think. And I broke up with him. Right there, in front of our friends."

Amy wiped away the tears that were falling down her cheeks. She closed her eyes against the pain.

"I went into the next room. Bernie followed me. She held me while I cried. By the time we went back out, Sheldon was gone."

Amy opened her eyes to look at the psychiatrist. "He is a rude, inconsiderate, selfish, frustrating, ass of a man… But I still love him. And this hurts so much."

She doubled over then, laying her stomach and chest into her lap as she held her face in her hands and cried.

Dr. Ross stood up and a moment later sat down at Amy's side with a box of tissues in one hand. She placed her free hand on Amy's back for a moment and gave it a soft, brief rub.

"Here," she murmured, pushing the box of tissues into Amy's line of sight.

Amy grabbed a few, then noisily blew her nose and sopped at her wet, blotchy face.

"I'm sorry."

"You're grieving. There's nothing to be sorry for," Dr. Ross said kindly. She sighed then. "I want to ask you something, because I think it will be beneficial for me to understand before I can help you move forward. But it's a hard question. I want you to tell me if you've had enough for today and we can revisit this next time."

Amy let out a shaky tear-choked breath, suddenly nervous again. "Okay…"

"So many of the things we've discussed don't paint Sheldon in a very good light. I would like you to tell me why you were with him, why you love him. But we can save it for our next session if you need to."

Amy blew out a shaky breath. This was going to be hard. Not because she couldn't think of anything, but because it would make her remember everything she had lost and her emotions were already stripped raw.

But she wanted to tell Dr. Ross. She didn't want the psychiatrist to think Sheldon was a terrible person. And she might as well get everything out in the open now, otherwise, she would just have another breakdown in their next session.

"Alright." Amy nodded. "I think… I can do it now."

Dr. Ross nodded back and smiled slightly. "Okay." She stood and headed back over to her chair, leaving the box of tissues next to Amy on the couch. She picked up her clipboard and took a seat.

"Take your time. Whenever you're ready."

Amy took a deep breath, hoping to calm her nerves. She straightened her back and clutched the used tissues tightly in her fists.

"Sheldon has a beautiful mind. It's… fascinating. My IQ isn't as high as his, but it's up there, somewhere around 170. I have never met anyone in my life, before him or after him, that challenges me mentally, the way he does. We can talk about anything. His work, my work, the other sciences, math, what type of cheese is the best… Just… anything. We actually conceptualized a game that only the two of us understand how to play. It's called Counterfactuals. We hypothesize an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other. We tried playing it with Leonard once, but he was terrible at it."

Amy chuckled softly.

"Along with that, we can also sit in silence together for hours in quiet companionship. We don't have to fill the silence with awkward conversation. We can just… be. Together."

She smiled sadly and twisted the tissues in her hands.

"And underneath all of that genius is a lost little boy. A little boy that was tortured and tormented by everyone as a child, including his siblings. A little boy that had to live through his parents' unstable relationship. A little boy who walked in on his father with another woman. A little boy that lost his father at the age of fourteen. A little boy that left home too early and had to make his way in a grown up world all on his own."

Amy nibbled her upper lip and looked up at Dr. Ross. "I can't help but feel… protective of that little boy. I want to take him in my arms and hold him tight and keep him safe." She shrugged. "The little boy in him speaks to the damaged little girl inside of me."

Amy let out a strangled breath, holding back more tears.

"He doesn't show that side of himself very often. But it's there. I've seen it and I've comforted that little boy."

Dr. Ross remained silent, allowing Amy the time to sort through her feelings.

Amy sat back against the couch again. "Even though he's arrogant and can be condescending at times… He's a good man. He has strong values. He's honest… to a fault, really. Sometimes he hurts people, that's true, but… Most of the time, he doesn't realize what he's doing. He doesn't always understand why his actions and words hurt others. That's not his fault. He's just not wired like a neuro-typical person is. And he really can be so kind when he wants to be. For example, he likes to rag on Penny for always coming into their apartment, eating their groceries, mooching off of them when they get take-out, not paying her share of things. He changes the wi-fi password so she can't get on their wi-fi, but then he always tells her what it is. It's almost an inside joke. He has let her borrow money for her rent before, and he truly doesn't expect her to repay him."

Amy swallowed and picked at the hem of her skirt.

"He lets me lead him out of his comfort zone. A few years ago, I had the flu and he took care of me, even though he is majorly mysophobic. When he found out I was sick, he turned to leave, but then came back to take care of me. He said he was concerned for my well-being. He even bathed me. The man who refuses physical intimacy gave me a bath."

Amy smiled tenderly.

"Another time I was upset because Penny and Bernadette had left me out of some wedding planning and I went off the grid, so to speak. He couldn't get ahold of me, so he came to my apartment to find me. I asked him to hold me and he did, even though he was incredibly uncomfortable doing so. That was before we were even officially a couple."

Amy sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "But mostly… I love him because… He just gets me. He understands me. We're both quirky. We're both weird. We're so similar in a lot of ways. We don't have many of the same interests, but there's just this… underlying… recognition that we have of each other. It's almost like we are the only two people of our species."

She chuckled quietly and whispered. "Homo Novus."

"What's that?"

"Nothing. It's just…" Amy cleared her throat. "Sheldon likes to consider himself a Homo Novus. The new man. It's silly, really, and shows his arrogance, again. But he's accepted me as one of his own."

She rubbed her hand over her face. God, she was tired.

"Obviously, he doesn't understand everything about me. He doesn't understand why the things he does hurt me sometimes. He doesn't understand why I want the things I want from him. So it's not perfect. We're not exactly the same. And… Our friends don't understand how I've put up with him for so long. They don't understand how I've been so patient with him, especially when it comes to the physical aspect of our relationship. But the truth is… I put up with him, I've accepted the slowness of our relationship, because it's okay with me. I'm different than normal people, too. Sex isn't a priority for me. If we never have sex, I would probably be okay with that, but only if I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me and wanted a future together. I just want him to commit to me. I want him to see me… all the time, not just when it's convenient for him. I want him to think of me and consider my feelings. I do want coitus with him, desperately, even… But it's not a requirement. I want to share my love for him physically, but I could live without it."

She smiled sadly. "Our relationship, as it stands, is enough for me, physically and mentally. What we are truly lacking is the emotional aspect. I need him to make me a priority. I need him to love me as much as I love him. I need him to show me that I'm important to him. I don't feel secure in our relationship. I feel like I just give and give and give and get so little in return."

"Have you ever sat him down and told him that?"

"Not exactly. But over the span of our relationship, I would think that he would see that by now."

"You have said yourself that he is neurodivergent. Maybe he needs you to spell it out for him in great detail. He may be a genius, but emotionally he seems stunted and immature."

Amy thought about that for a moment. Should she tell him? Even though they were already broken up? Would he even listen? She wasn't sure, but it was definitely something she would spend some time thinking about before her next session.

"We are out of time," Dr. Ross said. "Actually, we went over our time but that's okay because you're my last client for today."

Amy glanced at her watch. "Oh wow, I'm so sorry about that." She had been so wrapped up in telling their story that she hadn't realized how much time had passed.

Dr. Ross smiled. "I would have told you if we needed to end the session. We covered a lot today, which is great." She paused and tapped her pen on the clipboard.

"I have one last question for you before you go."

"Okay."

"Do you want to repair your romantic relationship with Sheldon? Or do you just want to be friends?"

"Oh, I..." Amy frowned, her brows furrowing. "Honestly, I'm not sure. You have given me a lot to think about during this session, about my role in all of this. I realize now that both Sheldon and I have had negative actions and reactions." She paused, nibbling her lower lip for a moment. "That being said... There are still so many things that would have to change before I could dive back into a relationship with him. I'm just not sure that what we had will ever be enough for me. And... I don't know if he's capable of giving me what I need."

"I would like you to think some more about that before our next session and we will discuss that more in depth then."

"I will," Amy responded with a nod.

She knew that there was nothing she wanted more than to be with Sheldon, to marry him, bear his children, spend the rest of her life with him. But she wasn't sure it was plausible anymore.

And that hurt more than anything ever had in her entire life.


It was after 6pm by the time Amy got home from her appointment with Dr. Ross. She tossed her purse onto the chair by the door, then walked like a zombie back to her bedroom. She used the restroom, then stepped back into her room.

She stripped off all her clothes, leaving just her panties on, then slipped under the covers of her bed. She pulled the blankets up to her chin, tucking herself in tightly, like a caterpillar in a cocoon.

Amy sighed and closed her eyes, replaying the conversation with Dr. Ross in her mind. It had felt good to lay everything out on the table for the psychiatrist. To get it all out, off her chest, and let someone else carry the heavy load for a little while.

Within minutes, she drifted off to sleep, emotionally exhausted after the intense session. When she awoke to her alarm the next morning, she would be shocked that a dreamless, restful sleep had finally come, allowing her to calm her mind and take the edge off the heart ache.

Therapy was turning out even better than she expected.