Hey guys. I'm actually really happy with how this chapter turned out, and surprisingly, it doesn't really have any Kendall angst... It does have angst, though. I hope you guys like it. :)
Trigger warning for mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression and self-harm.
"You really scared me." James' voice shakes as he utters that one sentence, his head turning a bit to the left to stare at Kendall. The two of them, along with Logan, are sitting in the back of the BTR Mobile, while Mrs. Knight and Katie are in the front.
He can feel Kendall nudge him on the side from where he's sitting beside him, his head resting on James' shoulder. "I'm sorry," he says quietly, his eyes opening just a bit. "I didn't mean to."
From where Logan is sitting to Kendall's left, he stares at them and sighs softly. He feels sick to his stomach and he can't think straight. The day isn't even halfway over, but he's already exhausted beyond belief. He's exhausted physically, due to lack of sleep, but he's even more exhausted emotionally, and he can tell that Kendall and James are, too.
After finding out that Kendall had passed out, Mrs. Knight had insisted that they go back home and get some much-needed sleep, for the second time that day. The boys, of course, had refused, so she had decided to drive them there herself, which is where they were currently headed.
"I feel like crap," Kendall groans when they're just about two blocks away from the Palm Woods. He curls in on himself, his arms wrapping tightly around his stomach. "I feel sick."
"We're almost home," James mutters as he places an arm around Kendall's shoulders.
"I'm sure you'll feel better once you get some sleep," Logan says quietly. He turns to James, taking notice of the tired expression on his friend's face. "I think we all will."
"I can't sleep," Kendall mutters stubbornly. "Not until I know that Carlos is okay."
"Honey, you need to try." Mrs. Knight sighs from where she's sitting in the driver's seat, her worry for her son increasing. "You fainted. I'm worried about you. Carlos might not wake up for a few more hours, or days, or weeks, or..."
"Never?"
This time, it's Katie who has spoken. She looks up at her mother with sorrowful brown eyes, noticing the way her hands have tightened around the steering wheel.
"Katie... that's not what I was going to say."
Katie shrugs, her head turning towards the window as a lone tear starts to roll down her cheek. "Don't have to," she mumbles. "We all know it's a possibility."
James frowns at Katie's words, while Kendall stays silent, and Logan's body goes rigid. Of course they all know it's a possibility, but it's not something they like to hear being said out loud. Saying it out loud makes it even more real, because then they can't tell themselves that they're just overthinking things.
It's almost two hours later when James walks into his room. He has been avoiding going inside ever since they got to Apartment 2J because he doesn't want to be around Carlos' stuff. But after Mrs. Knight tells him to get some rest, he has no choice but to walk inside. Except he's not planning on resting like he has promised her he will.
His head won't stop spinning, and his mind won't stop racing.
He's pacing in a circle in front of his bed, his fists clenching and unclenching by his sides. He wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to succumb to the negative thoughts pulling at his heart strings.
He feels guilty for many reasons – for not helping Carlos when he needed him, for getting angry at Kendall, for being so selfish. He hates himself – he hates who he has become, and he doesn't know what to do with himself. He doesn't know what to do to make things okay again.
The truth is that James has always been perceived as selfish by everyone around him. He has always appeared to be self-centered and egocentric, but he's none of those things. No matter how hard he tries to act like he is, he's not, and he has always known this. He's known this, because despite the confident exterior he displays on a daily basis, he knows that's not who he really is. He knows his insecurities, his flaws – the ones that at one point were the sole reason he wanted so badly to end his life.
But he thought he was over that. Even though they always sat at the back of his mind and would sometimes resurface, he thought he was over them. They didn't hurt him as badly as they used to; they didn't tear him up like they did before.
But now? Now he's not so sure about that.
He comes to a stop in front of the full-length mirror that is in the middle of his and Carlos' room. He stares and stares, until the sight in front of him makes him want to punch the mirror and watch shards of glass fly everywhere. And then he wants to grab one of those shards of glass and use it to slice his skin open. Maybe then he'd feel better. Maybe inflicting pain upon himself would bring him at least a little bit of relief.
The thought is tempting, and no matter how much he tries to push it away, it won't leave him alone. He hates himself for even considering it. He hates himself because he feels like a hypocrite, after what's happened with Carlos. Maybe Carlos didn't try to commit suicide by cutting until he bled out, but he did self-harm.
He feels like throwing up. He can't picture Carlos doing something like that to himself. He's the last one of his friends who he would've imagined to do something like that. Before he had been hospitalized, Carlos had always seemed so happy, so full of joy, so full of life. How could he have been so blind?
To think that Carlos was hurting so much, and that he didn't notice, makes him want to hurt himself even more. It's like a tug of war is going on in his head. A part of him wants to hurt himself because he feels like he deserves it for being so blind to Carlos' pain. And the other part of him knows that he shouldn't because Carlos wouldn't want that, and because if Logan and Kendall found out, they'd be terrified.
Perhaps if he was in a right state of mind, he'd realize just how bad of an idea that would be.
It's too bad he's not.
He makes his way to the drawers beside his bed and searches frantically through his clothes, his hands shaking and breath catching in his throat. He doesn't stop until his hand's wrapped around something small – a bag he had buried under all his clothes. Opening it, he finds what he was looking for. He grabs the small blade in between two fingers and watches the light from the ceiling reflect off its surface.
"James, can I talk to you for a bit?"
His hand freezes, his head turning towards the source of the voice. Logan is standing in his bedroom doorway. He seems nervous, judging by the way his hands are wriggling together in front of him.
"Uh, sure." As he stands up, he pushes the blade into his jeans' pocket and tosses the bag back into the drawer. He watches Logan from the corner of his eye as he walks inside the room. "Is everything okay?"
He feels stupid asking the question. Nothing is okay right now, obviously.
Logan shrugs and crosses his arms over his chest as he takes a seat on James' bed. His eyes roam around the room, stopping when they land on the bed that belongs to Carlos. "I don't really need to talk, I just... I don't think I want to be alone with my thoughts right now."
"Okay. How's Kendall?"
"He fell asleep."
James nods and takes a seat on his bed as well, his back resting against the bed's headboard. "C'mere." He opens his arms, coaxing Logan to come closer.
Logan crawls to where James is sitting and takes a seat beside him, letting his head rest against James' shoulder. He relaxes as he feels James wrap an arm around his shoulders. He's usually not a big fan of physical contact, but he needs this. He needs to know he's not alone, he needs someone close by.
"Are you afraid?" he asks, his voice wavering. "Because I am. I'm terrified."
"Of course I am... I never imagined that this would happen, you know? I didn't see it coming."
"Neither did I." Logan sighs and pulls his knees up to his chest. "I'm so tired. I literally feel sick."
"You should rest," James says, his hand moving from where it had been on Logan's shoulder, to his hair. "You're always preaching to us about how bad it is to not look out for our health. You need to take care of yourself, too. You saw what happened to Kendall."
"I'm worried about him, too."
"I know."
"And you. I'm worried about you." Logan raises his head and rests his chin on James' shoulder, looking up at him with worry.
"I'm okay, Logie. There's no need to worry about me. I'll be okay."
"I wish I could believe that." Logan frowns and turns away. He opens his mouth to say something else, but ends up yawning instead. "Just... know I'm here for you, okay?"
"I know. You too."
"Thanks."
James nods and tightens his hold on Logan. He can tell that he's struggling to stay awake, which isn't much of a surprise, since none of them got much sleep the night before.
It's not long after that that Logan goes completely limp in his hold. He thinks about carefully moving away and leaving the room, but he's tired, too. His eyelids are growing heavy, and unconsciousness seems to be doing everything in its power to pull him under. He's afraid of going to sleep, though. He's afraid he'll have nightmares about what's happened.
He tries his hardest to stay awake, but it's only a few minutes later that he realizes he can't keep up the fight much longer. His last thought is of the small blade tucked into his pocket, and what he plans to do with it once he's finally alone.
This chapter was supposed to have a bunch of Logan angst, but I think I'm gonna save that for the next chapter. Let me know what you thought, and thank you for reading.
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)
