Chapter 4
Happy Holidays folks! Even if I am like a month late.
Danny's point of view
I have finally met someone who I just click with instantly. It doesn't feel like I have only known them for three weeks. It feels like we have known each other our whole lives. I text her every single day and every conversation that we have just gets better and better the more comfortable we get with each other. I was messaging her this morning and I was grinning whilst eating my breakfast. "Someone is in a good mood this morning," George says, when he walks in. I put my phone down for the time being and try and finish my breakfast. I have some plans for today and I really hope that it works out in my favor. "Maybe I'm happy with the way my life is going at the moment," I tell him. It is the truth after all, it's just that I have more than one reason.
`That's good Danny. What are you going to do today?" he asks me. It is almost time for the next stage in me being integrated to the gang. We're going to be having me test the security systems to see if I can hack into them and if so how quickly. I feel more nervous about what the reaction is going to be is I can get in. I know it is a sensitive topic for Matt, because he has been the man who was in charge of it and installed all the systems. "I am… going on a lunch date with Reese today," I tell him excitedly. I was looking at my phone because I asked her if she wanted to meet me for lunch and she hadn't replied by the time George walked in but as we were talking I heard the ping that told me she had. George smiled at me.
"You'll be fine Dan. Just be yourself and try not to let nerves get to you. Things will naturally fall into place," he tells me. He is probably right, but the thing is I have never done anything like this before. I want to be her boyfriend one day, but I have never been anyone's boyfriend before. Relationships of any kind were forbidden in the Irish Warriors because they thought that love would make you a weaker gangster and not worthy of the role that they had essentially forced us into. No one ever joins the Irish Warriors by choice. You're made an orphan and then essentially kidnapped/forcibly adopted by the very same people who made you the orphan to begin with. It is a very fucked up childhood for sure. Even these guys have had a mostly normal childhood in comparison.
"I know you'll probably tell me I told you so when I come back later, but I really am nervous. I really love her, I know that because it's a feeling I have never felt before," I tell him. I was talking to Jorel about these feelings during one of our three am smoking sessions. It isn't every night because I am getting better at being able to fall asleep and not be plagued by nightmares, but it happens sometimes, and Jorel happily will sit with me and chat with me. He was the one who told me that I had fallen in love with Theresa and when I felt comfortable with it that I should try and make the first move by asking her on a lunch date. That was probably a week and a half ago, but I feel like if I am spending all of this time waiting and she will probably find a much better more confident guy and have moved on.
The only way I will know for sure is if I go on this lunch date as friends and see how it goes. If it goes well I think I will have a couple more then pop the will you be my girlfriend question. Part of me is worried about the fact that when I am very emotional my accent is very strong Irish compared to the American one I have developed in the short time I have been living here. Then I am reminded of the fact that we met in Ikea because we had bumped into each other, and she had told me that she liked my accent and thought it was cool. I think she was a little bit disappointed that I wasn't Irish blood and that I only had the accent because of my adopted father. She doesn't know about the gang lifestyle, she just knows I work with Jorel, George, Dylan, Jordon, and Matt.
I am more than happy to tell her the whole truth one day, George and the others have with their partners, and they have said it would be fine for Theresa to know since she has been a close friend of Asia's for a long time. I just want to enjoy the fact that I finally have a decent life outside of everything I have ever known. I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not all the time. Hide my true identity for fear of being hurt or worst killed. I know that they just kicked someone out of the gang, and he hates their guts for it. What is he going to do if he finds out about me, people would have talked about the golden beast new recruit with the Irish accent by now. Los Angeles is small in the sense that in the gang underworld word spreads quickly.
Luckily for me I have a higher level of control over my accent now, it was mostly American by the time I had entered the gang scene, so no one was any wiser of my dark and somewhat twisted past. I am working on making my accent a lot stronger, the last thing I want is to be the one who accidentally brings more trouble into this gang than they have to deal with already. I am sure it is hard enough still dealing with the fallout of Deuce all these months later. It seems like he is hell bent on make our lives a living misery and that he needs to tell everyone and anyone how bad of a gang the rest of them are and that no one should be doing business with them. Dylan, Jorel, and I had been working overtime to make sure that his plans failed.
Boy did they fail spectacularly. I did some behind the scenes charming to make sure we stayed in the good books of all the gangs that we have relationships built up with so far. I know I couldn't do much to begin with and even now, I don't have full access to the system like everyone else. I just use what I have been taught in the Irish Warriors to help me in the meantime. For example they taught me to use my charm and my youthful looks to encourage them to part with a little more money than they would otherwise. I have been discreet about it because it can very easily turn into a nasty relationship when they find out they have parted with more money than the goods are worth. Deuce must be kicking himself knowing every time he tries to bring us down he fails.
"You should probably think about getting dressed Dan, the time will sneak up on you before you know it," George says. He is also giving me plenty of warning because knowing me I am probably going to spend most of the time stressing about my outfit then my hair. Both of those things are unlike me, but Theresa has already brought out this new side of me. I want to make sure that I do everything right and that I make her proud. I have to make a good first date impression right? God I can feel the nerves already sinking in and making themselves at home. This is going to go horribly wrong I can feel it. I just don't have the confidence within myself. I find a nice button up shirt and the smartest pair of jeans I own. I don't want to be too fancy.
I also don't want to be too casual. It is a lunch date after all, I have to be dressed appropriately. I might get some advice on my hair though. I have never put much thought into my hair before, I usually shove it under a beanie or a snapback and call it a day. Either that or wear my hood up whilst my mask is on. I don't even know who would be the best one to go to for that. Probably George since he is kinda helping me already by reminding me what I need to do and letting me know that everything is going to be fine even though in the back of my head the doubts are already there. It is just going to be some nice lunch with a friend. There are no romantic expectations whatsoever unless I am being kept in the dark about it which I doubt.
I wonder how Reese is feeling. Is she as nervous as I am? Is she feeling completely cool, calm, and relaxed? I bet she is completely calm; she was when we bumped into each other the first time around and every time we phoned. I have been calmer over the phone than I have been in person, but I was and still am adjusting to having a work life balance for once. I just hope my accent is not too strong for Reese to handle, but I remind myself again because she liked that about me, and I have been talking honestly about how it is changing and how I can have some control over it. I look in the mirror after I finish getting ready and get my hairbrush. George walked in just as I brushed it to make it look somewhat presentable, but it was still a little messy.
"Here let me help," George says, gently taking the brush from me and going over my hair. I would probably need some hair gel to keep it up and looking nice. "Thanks George," I tell him, my Irish accent currently in full force making me want to hide in the closet in cringe. "You're welcome bud, try not to stress too much. I will also be just a text message away at any time during the lunch if you need me," he tells me. That makes me feel a little more comfortable knowing that if it did become too much for me that I had a way to calm myself down and remove myself if necessary. I appreciate it and I hope I don't actually need it because I feel comfortable around Reese. "Thanks George, I don't know why I am so nervous now," I say.
"It's something you've never done before. You are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in going out on this lunch date with Reese even if you consider yourself to be good friends at this point. I think it's only natural for you to be nervous," George explains. Of course it is George who has the calm and level head through all of this and has a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of the thoughts and feelings going through my head right now. He goes back towards his room and comes back with a tub of hair gel; I didn't even know that he owned that. I always thought that he kept his hair too short for hair gel if I am being honest. "Yeah that makes sense I guess. I have done a lot of going out my comfort zone lately," I tell him.
Vincent and Leo knew that from the moment that they were going to take me from all that I had known in Patrick's "care" and into the care of George and the rest of the Undead gang that I was going to be out of my comfort zone for a long time. I was lucky that they were so welcoming and that uncomfortable feeling of not belonging didn't last too long. Now I have heard George is gonna make me test the security system sometime this week and then slowly integrate me into being the tech guy for the gang. I am as equally nervous for that as I am for this date I am about to go on. "Think about it though, each time you have been put out of your comfort zone you have embraced it and shown how powerful you are every time," George tells me.
"I suppose so. I always thought it was because I have always had to just go with whatever shitty hand of cards life dealt me. Like I feel as if I never had a say in how my life was allowed to go until you came along," I tell him. It is probably not how he meant for that to be interpreted by me, but I couldn't help it. I have gone my whole life being told how I am worthless and easily replaceable; those feelings aren't going to magically disappear any time soon no matter how much I want them too. "Yeah and I know it's been hard and sometimes you struggle but I've seen you work, and I'm always impressed each time," he tells me, whilst we talk he works his magic on my hair. Don't get me wrong I love all the compliments from everyone.
There is always that little sneaky seed of doubt in my mind that I don't deserve it, or they are only doing it to make it look like they are being fair to everyone. Like they complement Jorel, Jordon, Matt, and Dylan all the time. They have recently started complementing me and I say nice positive things at the time and then secretly without even realizing my brain automatically kinda shuts them down and I hear those little whispers of doubt. "Right then, all fears and doubts aside I think you are now ready to go do that date," George says, taking a step back to admire his work. I look in the mirror and smile, he is right again. I feel as if I am ready now.
It's not like it is going to be the worst thing I have ever done in my life. It is just a lunch date with a lovely woman. A woman who I have slowly been developing feelings for which at the moment I am not quite sure how to handle them. I am sure as time goes on I will be able to speak to George about it. He seems to have become somewhat of an older brother even fatherly figure to me since I have moved in. "Thanks George. I appreciate everything," I tell him, and he smiles. I have said this over and over again in the last few months and it is not going to change any time soon. He, along with the rest of the gang have given me the best life I could ever hope for. I never knew what the possibilities meant but I am enjoying every moment.
"You're always welcome Dan. Now go on or you'll be late," he tells me. I grab my wallet; no way am I making her pay for this date. I have my car keys and my phone in my pocket, and I am ready to go. I grab a jacket in case it is going to be a bit chilly. Not likely for California but I feel like I need to make sure everything is prepared. "Alright George, I'll see you later," I tell him. I hear a see you later back from him and then the others who were in at the time. I shot a quick see you later to the others and head out the door. It feels weird to be able to leave the house on my own whenever I want but it is a nice sort of weird. I can just enjoy a new side of life where the gang side can all be forgotten, and I can be more than just a young gangster.
I got there ten minutes early. I made sure we had a nice quiet area where we wouldn't be disturbed, and we are free to talk about whatever we wanted. Theresa arrived five minutes after I did, and I hugged her gently when we saw each other. I was nervous, and it showed because that Irish accent was back and sticking around. I know by telling her it showed back up with my emotions she'd know I am nervous, but at the same time she knows I haven't done this sort of thing before. I told her that I am an orphan, and I lived a quite sheltered life up until I moved in with George and the others. All of it was the truth, but I just left out the life of crime and stuff. "How are you doing?" I ask her, slightly embarrassed by my accent. She just smiled.
"I'm good thank you. How have you been?" she asks me. I smile and we sit down, I hadn't ordered any drinks because I didn't know what kind of drink she liked. The waitress will come over and ask us in a moment I am sure. "Yeah I have been okay, just getting settled with the job and things," I tell her. All she knows is that George runs a company, and we all work for him. It is a gentler way of putting that we are a gang and amongst other things we sell drugs. "That's good, I am glad you're feeling more settled," she says. Then the waitress comes over and we order our drinks and take a look at the menu for the first time. We'll be ordering food in a little while; I just want to know what the options were first. I didn't know what to eat.
"I'll pay for this, consider it my treat," I tell her, smiling as I can feel my confidence returning a little bit. My Californian accent was starting to come back. I had absolutely nothing to worry about after all, it is just a harmless lunch date. She seemed surprised but accepted it. "Thank you," she tells me. The vague memories I have on my father included a couple of bedtime conversations where he would tell me to make sure that whenever I found the "one for me" that I had to treat her right and make her happy. I never fully understood that until I had met Theresa. It is too early for me to know for sure if Theresa is the one for me, but I am leaning more and more towards yes. I wish I knew more about love and dating then what I currently know.
Most of it is a messy combination of what my parents and George have taught me this far and my own instincts. I just want to make things right and to have a normal life for once. We had our drinks delivered and we decided on what we were going to have for our lunch. I didn't want her to worry about how much money I was going to spend on her today. It is my treat after all and my short time in the gangs had already earned me quite a fair amount of money so far. Theresa told me all about her work as a nurse in a surgery center, which fascinated me. One of the skills I'd love to have is first aid/medic as I know George is the only one with this role so far. He says he doesn't mind, but my worry is one day he'll need the help, and no one will be there.
I know a very basic amount, cleaning and putting band-aid on wounds. That was only because as the older members of the Irish Warriors were made to take care of the little children because they didn't want to put that time and effort in, and we all knew kids fell a lot. "One day I would love to learn how to do first aid properly," I tell her. When she asked about me I told her I was one of the older children in a home Patrick had run and I was often taking care of them. Once again technically true, but with more deceptive motives. My accent was now back to the Californian accent as I became more and more relaxed with Theresa. She was happy to realize that I was feeling a lot more comfortable now and she was smiling a lot.
I hope this means she was happy with how this date had been going so far. The more I am calling it a date with her the more I feel like there is some pressure to be more polite and to make sure everything goes well, and the outcome is just going to be us being friends with each other, we're not becoming boyfriend and girlfriend because of this one date. God I am overthinking things again, she's going to be wondering why I haven't said anything in like five minutes. "I could get you into a first aid course if you'd like," she tells me, and I smile. That sounds like a good idea, she probably has good contacts through her work with that. "That would be really nice, thank you," I tell her. Personally I think George would love having an extra medic on hand.
One of the things I have noticed just by being quiet and observing them sine I have moved in is just how easily it would be to have George get downed by an injury and no one would be able to treat him, and we'd have to be very careful about how we went about getting him medical help whereas 90% of the time we'd be treated at home. Like a couple of weeks ago when I cut myself on some barbed wire when I misjudged a jump. I didn't need stitches and George made sure it was cleaned and sorted. I could have done it myself, but it would have been a bit more challenging. Speaking of that I'm going to have to ask him to change the dressing later. My life has been fucking mental these past two months. I've barely stopped.
The meal itself went really well. We kept talking but there were some moments of just comfortable silence. I am just really enjoying her company and I feel honored to be able to do something like this with her. She's a very pretty woman, I am sure men would fight over who would be the one to take her out on a date. When she told me she was single it was a surprise to me. I didn't say it at the time she told me or out loud to anyone really. It is her business on who she choses to disclose her relationship status to or not. I did tell her that I was single, but I think that was kind of obvious at this point and she knew because Asia had talked about me before. I bet she's at home desperately waiting for us to tell her how it went when it was all done.
As I had promised I had paid for our meal once we were finished. This is where I felt a little awkward as the people serving us assumed we were already in a romantic relationship going on dates because they were acting like we are a cute couple even though the truth is we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend yet. I didn't know what to do as we walked out of the place but at the same time I don't want this date to quite end yet. Then again I am not hundred percent sure what we would do now. We chose this time because we both have work later on today. I suppose the best and only thing I can do right now is to just keep calm and see where this is going to go. Theresa would know what to do, she is the best at this kind of thing.
She took my hand as we walked out as the waitress called "Have a good rest of your date." I thought I would have been more flustered or something. I was calm and smiled at them when we left. It was definitely starting to become just like George said it was going to go. Part of me wants to tell myself oh why were you so nervous in the first place? Then the other part is like dude, this is the first date you have ever been on in your entire life you had every right to get as nervous as you were. It is one of those things where I really resent the way that Patrick had raised us all. There is more to life than the gang violence that we grew up around. He could have allowed us to have a little bit of freedom if the end result was going to be us being thrown out to fend for ourselves.
If I asked George or any of the other members about it they would say that Patrick did it in the hopes that we would die so that he didn't have to deal with us forming up and trying to fight him back one day. I don't have any intentions of doing that, I hated all the conflict that took place whilst I was there. It would be of no benefit to me to start a war with him. I am a firm believer that he will get what is coming to him eventually. I would like to be there when it happened, but I wouldn't be devastated if I wasn't. I don't want anything bad to happen to the gang that have taken me in and made me feel welcome. "Well Danny, there is a bit of time left before either of us have to go to work. Let's go take a walk around," Theresa says.
All my thoughts about gang life disappear in a puff of smoke. Right now, Theresa should be my only focus as I really wouldn't like it if she decided that we shouldn't be friends anymore because she thought I was too weird or something. "Yeah, that sounds good," I tell her. My Irish accent had completely disappeared by this point, and I was glad. I know she likes it, and it was something that was interesting to her, but I would like to have conversations where I don't have to repeat a bunch of what I just said because someone doesn't understand what I said. This little area felt familiar to me, as if I had been here before but a long time ago. I just can't put my finger on why. I definitely know it wasn't during anything gang related within the last couple of months.
I did recognize a few places as we started walking down the street. There was a local owned toy shop where I know my father had bought me toys for my birthday before. I would go in there with friends sometimes, so we knew what we wanted to ask Santa Claus for Christmas each year. It was one of my favorite annual traditions as well as one of my favorite childhood memories. I am so thankful that I am able to remember things like that. As we walk further down the street there are more and more things that I am starting to recognize. This must be the area where I was born and grew up for the first seven years of my life. Now I am curious to see what became of the house we lived in. I have so many questions.
Like one of them would have to be, did they rebuild it once it was burnt down? Does someone else live there now? Did any of our neighbors care about what happened to us? I suppose I will never get the answer I want for all of those questions, but I know if we walked past it the first two questions would be answered. Then again I don't even know if I will feel strong enough to walk past that place. I am still haunted by the memories of that night where everything my young seven year old self knew was cruelly ripped away from me within the space of a couple of hours. "Are you okay Danny? You've gone awfully quiet," Theresa asks me. Whilst I was thinking about it, I hadn't realized that we had walked so far that we were standing right in front of that house.
Or rather what was left of it. They had demolished the remains of the house, but nobody had rebuilt on top of what was left behind. There were flowers and tributes left there though, I could see my parent's names on the cards. There were even a couple of teddy bears left for me. I suppose they might not have been told what happened to me. I blocked out a lot of the memories immediately after and I don't think Patrick told us what he said to the press and people who were asking about me at the time. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just there was where I grew up until my parents were killed," I tell her, instantly being betrayed by my own accent I had just thought had disappeared and become my normal Californian one. Theresa gave me a reassuring squeeze of my hand.
"Oh Danny I am so sorry. I didn't realize," she tells me, and I squeeze her hand back. I don't want her to be sorry. I didn't tell her that this was where I lived until just now. We had a look at some of the tributes, all the while she was holding my hand a little tighter than previously. "Please don't apologize, you didn't know. I think it was a good thing that I came here with you. I had been meaning to find out what happened to the house, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to face it until now," I tell her. I am smashing all of my life goals right now. I was being honest as well I didn't think that I could have done any of this without her. She brings out this new stronger side of me I have never felt before. I am a little sad, but I am glad it is over with now.
We get closer and read some of the tributes and I just take a moment to let myself grieve a little bit. There has always felt like there has been this surface pressure around me to be the strong one. From the moment I was taken I was told I wasn't allowed to grieve because I had to be the strong one. This must have been the weirdest first date Theresa has ever been on for sure. She will never want to ask me out again for sure. She puts her hand on my shoulder, and I quickly wipe the tears away. Once I regained my composure and she hugged me gently. I wasn't really expecting her to do that, but I gently hug her back. Then we quietly head back towards the café we met in so we can get into our cars and go home so we can get ready for work.
"Danny, before we part ways I just want to say thank you for today. I know it didn't end as well as you intended it too, but I am glad that I could be there for you and I think you did really well," she tells me. I take a deep breath and smile at her. Well, it took me by surprise that it all happened and that she seems to be happy to have had this weird date. "You're welcome Theresa, I am glad that you were there for me, and it definitely didn't end the way I intended at all," I tell her. I feel better for letting some of my feelings out though. We hugged one more time and then parted ways with the promise that we would message each other later on. Now I get to get into my car and make the journey home again. I know most of the way by heart by now.
I still use the sat nav every now and again when I get a little bit nervous sometimes that I am going to get lost. This time I manage to make my way home without using the sat nav and I let the grief that was still lingering out. I know it is going to lead to questions, but I don't care, it feels good to be finally letting some of this out. You don't realize how much you have been holding back until something sparks it and you can finally let some of it out. I cried more on the way home than I think I have ever done in my life. I stopped in the garage and just took a moment to compose myself a little more. I knew George was going to panic if he saw me like this, but I would reassure him that the date itself went fine and that I just got some peace in a way.
I tried wiping the tears and make it look as if I had not been crying as much but I knew it wasn't going to work. I can't stay in the car forever either, they know I am home as they saw my car on the security systems I know they would have. I take a few deep breaths and get out of the car. I walk into the house and George immediately gets up out of his seat in the kitchen and walks over to me. He put his hand on my face and wiped the last of my tears away. "Jesus Danny, what happened to you?" he asks me. Asia was nearby and she looked equally as concerned as George did about me. She had her phone ready, probably about to test Theresa and demand to know what she did while we were together for those few short hours. "I'm alright, the date was fine," I tell them both.
"Well something must have happened, I have never seen you this upset before," George says, calmly. He walked with me over to the kitchen area and made me sit down at the breakfast bar whilst he made me something to drink. "The date went fine; we had a good meal and good conversations. Then we went on a walk, and I slowly started recognizing things that were from when I was little before I knew about gangs and violence. The next thing we knew we were outside of what was my mom and dad's house. They knocked it down and there were still flowers and teddy bears outside," I explain, and all the while Asia was hugging me. George placed the drink down on the table and joined Asia in hugging me as gently as possible.
"Oh Danny, I am so sorry. You have been incredibly brave today all things considered though. I am glad that Theresa was by your side at least," George says, and I nod. I would have been happy if it was her, George, or anyone else in the gang to be honest. It has been a long time since I had been out of my comfort zone, and I know I have been upset in the last hour or so, but I wouldn't regret any of this tomorrow or the next day or the next day after that. Sometimes you have to just do things which make you feel stressed out, especially if it means that I am one step closer to healing from the lifetime of grief I just kept pushing back and pushing back. I don't feel anger towards Patrick, Leo, or Vincent for what they did.
They didn't wake up one day and decide that my mother and father were going to be the ones who were murdered for no reason. My uncle was the one who made that decision for them for not paying what was owed to them. "Yeah I am glad that I can finally start to be at peace with this part of my life at least. I have never been allowed to grieve until you guys," I tell him. They knew this because I think I might have cried a couple of times about my parents before. All of the days tend to blur into one when you are busy moving on with life. I was never good at keeping track of time and what day or week or month or even year it is. All you know is you wake up in the morning, eat three meals a day and then do whatever the gang wants.
"Well, you can take all the time you need to grieve here Danny. Nobody is going to be angry or mad towards you if you decided you needed the day off to have some time for your mental health or anything like that," he tells me. I understand and know that, but in my head it is really hard to actually make myself do that when all I have ever known is to hide my thoughts and feelings and bottle them up until they feel like it's going to explode. Which makes it incredibly difficult to make myself do anything to change that and actually start caring for my own mental health. "Thanks George, I should be okay for tonight, but I am going to sit in my room for a little bit," I tell him. I give them both hugs to make sure they know I care about them.
They let me go into my room and give me some space to really process everything that had just happened. I still don't think it has fully sunk in that I went on a really good first date with Theresa and then we ended up going to the place where my life got turned upside for the first time since it actually happened. Patrick wouldn't let any of us go anywhere without his permission so we never had the freedom, and I had no real reason to go to somewhere I couldn't really remember as I hadn't yet been taught the address. I had the urge to draw, so I go over to my desk and get my sketchbook out and all of my pencils. I can still see the image of the house in my head of both before and after, so maybe that is what I'll draw.
I could draw half of it as what was the before and then the other half from today with the flowers and the tribute messages on it. I know it feels a bit weird that it is what I want to do but I am hoping it will help me process it all somewhat. I don't really know what I am doing, I am just sort of making it up as I go along and then occasionally George, Jorel or one of the others will help me and give me tips. Jorel is great at having really deep and thoughtful conversations at 3 am when I am really struggling to sleep after a few nightmares. Dylan is the one who would make me sit with him in the mornings and watch whatever he was watching at the time to just unwind. Jordon and Matt love telling me jokes and just helping me unwind.
They all have their helpful ways of making me feel comfortable and to relax around them. It was one of the best feelings in the world that I can suddenly with very little warning be introduced to a group of people who just took me in and accepted me as one of their own. It makes me feel good because until now I never felt as if I could fit in anywhere. I stare at my finished drawing in a mixture of shock and awe. I can't believe I managed to capture the realness of it as well as my own emotions. The nicer part of the house had a slight blur to it as I was only a child, so my memory wasn't as clear as it used to be even the middle was kind of like the middle of my memories of when the house was on fire as I was being driven away.
Jorel knocked and said that it was him about half an hour after I finished drawing. "You can come in Jay," I tell him. I was feeling calmer now, so I don't mind the fact that he wanted to come in. We are going to be having dinner before we go out for the night. "Hey Danny, how are you feeling? George told me what happened today," he tells me, and I let him sit down on my bed as I spun round on my chair to face him. I showed him what I had drawn today and let him take it in before I decided to give him my answer. "I am feeling a lot better now thanks," I tell him, as he continued to study the picture on his lap. I was nervous to see what his reaction was going to be. This is the first time I had shown anyone art like this before so it's a slightly anxious time.
"I am glad you feel a bit better. I am not saying this in a horrible way or anything, but this is incredible. Your attention to detail is really good," he tells me, and I give him a little shy smile. I know what he meant with the whole horrible way thing. He wanted to make sure that I knew that he wasn't saying that my tragic background was incredible. It was the way that I portrayed it in the eyes of my child self and the adult version I am currently living through. "Yeah I understand what you meant. I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out and this was one of the only ways that I could think of really," I tell him. There was a sketchbook filled with dark drawings I don't feel like that I could show to anyone else; they'd be seriously worried.
Most of them worry about my mental health state enough as it is right now without me adding more fuel to it with some of my coping mechanisms. "That is fair enough Danny, do you still feel like you could come out with us later or do you want to stay home tonight?" he asks me. I knew that was going to be one of the questions that he was going to ask me. George obviously had told him about how the date went and my little grieving session with her. "Yeah I think I'll be good to go tonight. I've had plenty of time to grieve today and process everything," I tell him. I put my sketchbook back on my desk and sit next to Jay on the bed. He puts his arm on my shoulder, so I rest my head on his shoulder in return. He smiles and ruffles my hair.
"Alright buddy, like we always say on rougher days. You can always change your mind once we are out there, and you can always stay in the car," he tells me. It was one of those things that I felt relief hearing him say. It didn't feel like I had to go either way, but I liked having the option knowing that I am not going to be yelled at if we make a stop and suddenly I am like, well I can't do this anymore because I was finding it too difficult. I want to try my best to be as normal as possible and try and just keep on going through my day knowing that I will be able to sleep later on, and Theresa had texted me to ask how I was doing, and I told her that I was doing okay now. It was nice to know that she did care about me and that I hadn't ruined it today.
Dinner went really well; Dylan was constantly cracking jokes and George seemed more at ease now. I appreciate how much he cared for me though. It was like how a big brother would have reacted no doubt. His little brother goes on his first date with a girl for the first time in his life and come homes crying his eyes out, you're naturally going to suspect something was going wrong. Then once he talked to me he calmed down a little bit that I was fine, and it wasn't so much of a disaster date after all. Jorel and George both double checked with me that I was fine to go out on the drug run tonight and I told them both that I was fine. Jorel told George that I had been told that if at any point I had changed my mind that I could stay in the car.
George was happy with that, and we went off to do the run. It is one of the quieter runs tonight, not many people needed supplies because we were pretty good at making sure that we kept them with their supplies when they asked. Dylan distracted me through some of the tougher moments on the run tonight without Jay really knowing what was going on with me. I don't want to keep worrying people, but it keeps happening. At least tonight manages to go well enough and we can get on with our jobs in peace and get home slightly earlier than usual. Either that or the fact that I might have fallen asleep on the way home at something to do with it. It was only for about ten minutes, so it wasn't too bad I suppose. I need to sort my sleep schedule out.
And that is the end of another chapter. Hope you enjoyed and see you next time
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