Title: "The Cognitive Confession Sessions" - Chapter 3

Rating: T

Author's Note: Man, writing this story is a trip. When I start a chapter, I usually have a general outline/idea of what I want to cover. But once the conversation starts, these two ladies just take it away. I have no control over it. :D It's been rather interesting to write, to say the least.

This chapter isn't as long as the last one, but it's still very dialogue heavy. I imagine this entire story is going to be rather dialogue heavy, considering it's a therapy fic. :) This chapter covers the events from 9x02 and 9x04. Enjoy!

It surprised Amy how comfortable she felt walking into Dr. Ross' office for her third appointment. The last session had put her through the wringer. She felt like she had run a marathon by the time it was over. And she supposed she had. An emotional marathon, Amy mused.

But it was a relief to have the doctor to talk to. Someone impartial. Someone that didn't know Sheldon. Someone who would listen and let her get everything off her chest.

She found she already had a lot of respect for Dr. Ross and genuinely liked the woman.

Amy sat down on the couch across from the psychiatrist with a smile.

"How are you today?" Dr. Ross asked.

"I'm doing pretty well, actually. I'm looking forward to our session."

Dr. Ross smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. So last time we met, we took a walk through your relationship with Sheldon from beginning to present day. Talk to me about how things have been going with Sheldon since the break up. Do you talk? Have you seen each other?" Dr. Ross asked.

"Actually, I wanted to discuss that with you. Sheldon... isn't giving me any space. It almost seems like I've seen him and heard from him more since we broke up than I did when we were together."

"How does that make you feel?"

Amy pondered this for a moment. "Well... it's frustrating for a couple of reasons. First, it makes me sad to know that I had to break up with him to get attention from him."

"Does he want to get back together?"

"I think he does, in his own way. I don't know if you remember me talking about this last time, I just made an off hand comment about it, but Sheldon does an online internet show called 'Fun with Flags.' When we were together, I helped him with the episodes. We did most of them together."

Dr. Ross scribbled something on her clipboard.

"He thought we were still going to do the episodes together. Two days after we broke up, he called me to remind me about it. I told him I wasn't going to do the show with him since we weren't together anymore. He didn't understand why. I told him that we've seen more of each other since we broke up and he suggested that if I wanted to see less of him that we should get back together. I also told him that I needed space, that every time I saw him it re-traumatized me and made me go through the pain all over again."

"What was his response to that?"

"He didn't respond to that. Just barreled on about 'Fun with Flags.' I refused to do the show with him, so he filmed it himself."

Amy rolled her eyes then. "And of course, he was a total ass about it."

"What did he do?"

"The theme of his episode was flags of countries that had been torn apart and the women who were responsible. Every comment he made had something to do with me. At one point he said that one of the countries, meaning me, wasn't as young as it used to be and should hold on to what it had. That he didn't see anyone trying to invade its southern borders."

"Oh my," Dr. Ross remarked, raising a perfectly manicured brow.

"Yeah. This isn't the first time he's made comments about my age or the fact that I don't have any other romantic prospects."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"To be frank, it pisses me off."

Dr. Ross chuckled slightly. "Did you respond to the episode in any way?"

"The jerk actually e-mailed me a link to the episode with the subject line, "This is going to make you mad.' Can you believe that?" Amy scoffed. "I immediately went to his apartment and yelled at him to take it down, then I closed the door. And do you know what he said through the door?"

"What's that?"

"'She watched it. I'm going to get that girl back,'" Amy quoted. "I yelled at him through the door that I only watched it because he emailed it to me. Then I heard him say, 'She was listening through the door. She wants me.'"

"It sounds like he does want you back."

"Well... All of that happened just a few days after we broke up. Sheldon doesn't like change. He's probably figured out by now that he doesn't need me."

"Do you believe that? That he doesn't need you, doesn't love you?"

Amy sighed heavily and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "Honestly, I don't know. I believe he loves me in his own way. But I don't know if he needs me, or truly wants me. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't even know how I feel... Which leads me to the second reason I'm frustrated by him not giving me space. I just... I can't think around him. We broke up, we're not on a break, so I guess I don't need time to think about anything. But I want some space. At first I was so worried about losing my friends and my place in the group. Now that I feel more secure about that, I'm realizing that I just need time to process everything that has happened."

Amy paused and leaned back against the sofa. "You wanna know what else he did?"

"Goodness, there's more?"

Amy chuffed out a laugh. "There's always more with Sheldon." She hesitated for a moment before continuing in a slightly amused voice. "He actually tried to get me to be his roommate."

"What?" Dr. Ross asked in surprise.

"Leonard and Penny are married now, but Leonard still lives with Sheldon. He and Penny go back and forth between their apartments. Leonard told Sheldon he was going to move across the hall and live with Penny. Sheldon freaked out, of course, but then started trying to find a new roommate. He interviewed eleven people before he finally called me, telling me I would be the perfect roommate because I was healthy and had a job in the sciences. He ran a credit report on me, if you can believe that!"

Dr. Ross' eyes went wide. "I'm finding that nothing surprises me when it comes to Sheldon anymore."

Amy laughed. "He's a character, that's for sure. Life is never boring with him." She paused, then said, "I told him I wasn't going to be his roommate. Then he asked me what had happened to him... That he used to not have feelings until Leonard, Penny, and I 'poisoned' him with emotions. I told him I was sorry but that feelings are a part of life. He compared himself to Pinocchio, that we were like Geppetto and had turned him into a real boy."

Dr. Ross chuckled. "That's actually an excellent observation."

Amy nodded. "He has his moments. I just... I can't believe he tried to get me to live with him, after we broke up, after he ran away on a train for six weeks the last time I suggested living together."

Amy met the doctor's gaze. "I mean, can you see how it's hard for me to process all of this? At every turn, he's calling me, assuming things will carry on like normal, asking me to live with him - something I was dying for him to do when we were together. I just can't think."

"Yes, I can see how difficult this is for you. And just as an observation, our last two sessions you suggested that you hoped to eventually be able to be around Sheldon and be friends with him. It seems to me that you should be able to do that, if you choose to do so. I wouldn't jump into it, because you want space and time to think, but it sounds like Sheldon would be receptive to it. He's certainly not shutting you out of his life, like some might do after a break up."

Amy nodded. "Yeah... I thought that was what I wanted. I mean, I guess I still do, just… not yet."

"Is there anything else you want to discuss about Sheldon before we move on?"

"No, that was the main thing I had to talk about today."

"Okay, well, I think we should spend some time discussing what part you played in the break up. I don't mean the act itself, but everything that led up to it. Like I told you last time, you both had positive and negative actions and reactions. We've talked about Sheldon's, now let's talk about yours."

"Ugh. Ouch." Amy rubbed her hand over her heart and frowned.

Dr. Ross smiled kindly. "Amy, I'm not saying this to make you uncomfortable. But the truth is, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. And if you're ever going to have a healthy relationship with anyone in the future, you need to reflect on the things you can work on before then."

"I know," Amy muttered.

"First of all, you need to understand your worth. You let Sheldon walk all over you and that probably stems from your social history. I want you to tell me five positive things about yourself."

"Five?" Amy's eyebrows arched. "Oookay... Well... Um, let's see..." Amy bit her lower lip. "I'm smart."

"Elaborate," Dr. Ross instructed patiently.

"I have a PhD in neurobiology. Not many people can say that. My IQ is 170. I've been published for my scientific research and advancements in the field of neurobiology."

"Good. Next."

"I'm funny and fun to be around. Some people don't understand my humor but those who do enjoy being around me. I'm quirky. I like having a good time with my friends."

Dr. Ross nodded. "Third?"

"I'm... I'm strong. I have overcome many challenges in my life. I had a difficult childhood, at home and outside of the home. I have survived all of it relatively unscathed."

"Excellent. Number four?"

"I'm a good person, a good friend. I'm kind. I like to help people. I follow the rules and abide by the law. I've yet to murder Sheldon, even though he probably deserves it," Amy said with a cheeky grin.

Dr. Ross laughed. "Okay, and last but not least..."

"Ugh, I'm running out of things to say here."

"No, you're not. Just take your time."

"Okay." Amy pondered over it for a minute. "Oh! I'm creative! I love making things, working with my hands. I'm good at puzzles and enjoy them."

"There you go!" Dr. Ross exclaimed. "Okay, so we've got smart, funny, kind, strong, and creative," she said, using her fingers to tick off the five qualities. "And I know very well we could keep going and think of many other positive qualities you possess. Now, let me ask you... If I were to introduce you to someone, a potential friend, and I told you they possessed those qualities, would you want to meet them?"

Amy nodded. "Yes, of course."

"Do you think someone with those five qualities is worthy of love and affection?"

Amy hesitated for a split second before saying, "Yes."

"Now let me ask you this... Do you think a human being has to be smart to be worthy?"

"Absolutely not," Amy said strongly.

"What about funny or creative?"

Amy shook her head. "No."

"Doesn't every human being on this Earth deserve love? Simply because they are human?"

"Most of them," Amy said. "Maybe not Hitler."

Dr. Ross laughed again. "Touché. My point is... most everyone deserves love simply for existing. You're human, you exist, but you also have so many positive qualities, far beyond just the five things we listed. You've got icing on your cake."

Dr. Ross grinned. "Believe that. Truly believe it. Embrace it. Don't let Sheldon, or anyone else, make you feel like you don't deserve it all. Be your own advocate. Your feelings are valid and you should share them when necessary. You already know you're not afraid to walk away, but you also need to know that you really do deserve love and someone that treats you well. Whether that be Sheldon, or someone else. Don't let the things that happened to you in your past define you."

Tears were running down Amy's cheeks. She swiped at them half-heartedly.

"How did you know?" Amy whispered. "That I felt... unworthy?"

Dr. Ross smiled. "Well, I've been doing this a long time. A lot of people come to me with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. I'm good at recognizing it. But you also made it clear with your actions in your relationship with Sheldon. You didn't stick up for yourself. You let him bulldoze right over your feelings. You gave into him at every turn… Until you didn't."

"Yeah." Amy folded her hands together in her lap. "Maybe if I hadn't let him dictate everything, we wouldn't be in this position. We would still be together."

"Maybe. Or maybe you would have saved yourself some time and heartache and broken up with him a long time ago. Unfortunately, you can't go back and change things. What you can do is change for the future."

"Okay." Amy squared her shoulders. "I will."

"Good. So let's put that into practice. We're going to do an exercise. I'm going to give you a scenario from your past, something that happened with Sheldon, and I'd like you to tell me what you could have done differently and what might have happened if you did."

"Wow, okay." Amy nodded resolutely. "Let's do it."

"Let's start with an early one. A fairly easy one, if you will. The tiara. Sheldon didn't acknowledge or celebrate your success in having an article published. He bought you the tiara in place of a true apology and you forgave him without discussing the event. What could you have done differently?"

"Well... He gave me the tiara at Penny's apartment in front of Penny. If I could do it again... I would accept the tiara politely, in front of Penny, then ask Sheldon if we could step over to his apartment for privacy. Then I would have sat him down and told him how I felt. That it hurt when he didn't care about my success. That... if we were going to continue our relationship, he would need to do better. Then I would have given him the chance to do better in the future and if he didn't, I could have decided way back then if it was worth it to be in a relationship with him."

"Excellent." Dr. Ross smiled at her.

Amy felt a sudden wave of pride and confidence. She really could do this. She just had to believe in herself.

"Okay, let's do a more recent one. Mars. What could you have done differently?"

Amy sighed heavily. This scenario still felt too fresh, but she barreled on anyway. "When he asked me if I wanted him to withdraw his application, I should have said yes, instead of letting him sweet talk me into signing up. I should have sat him down and explained why I didn't want him to go, why I didn't want to go."

"And if he disagreed and refused to revoke his application?"

"I... I don't know," Amy whispered. "I guess I would have asked him if he really wanted to go to Mars and I'd have listed off all the reasons he would hate it. All the changes he would have to go through… Although, that feels a little manipulative."

"It would have to be done gently. Instead of trying to prove that you were right and he would hate it, you would want to remind him of the things that would change in his life and how he usually responds to change. Using a calm, matter-of-fact tone of voice rather than an accusatory tone would help. A lot of the time it's about the approach, rather than the words. People don't respond well to being attacked."

"That makes perfect sense. You really are good at this."

"Thank you," Dr. Ross said with a slight bow and a twinkle in her eye. Amy chuckled.

"So… I would talk to him about the move to Mars and what it would entail, in a gentle tone, and remind him that he doesn't adjust well to change. And then I would see if he really was serious about going. And if he was, if he really planned to go if he was accepted... I probably would have broken up with him sooner." Amy paused and shrugged. "I think maybe I wasn't ready then, wasn't prepared to break up with him yet, so I just signed up to appease him and let it slide, like I always did. It wasn't until afterwards that I decided I wasn't going to put up with any more after that."

"Good. Alright, let's do one more. Let's do... Okay, this one is a little bit different. The Relationship Agreement. You just got home from your date with Stuart to find Sheldon there with the agreement. What would you do differently?"

"Okay, I've actually given this one a lot of thought. Because... I mean…" Amy stumbled through the words. "If we ever were to get back together... Anyway! Back then, I should have asked him for a couple of days to go over the Relationship Agreement with a fine tooth comb. I would print it out, mark all over it, then reconvene with him a few days later. We would have a discussion about what we both wanted and I wouldn't sign anything until I was totally happy with it." Amy paused. "If we do happen to get back together at some point in the future, I will tell him that I want to rewrite the agreement together from scratch. That is, if he insists on having one. If not, I would like to try without one for awhile. But... who knows if that will even happen. I've just thought about it theoretically."

Amy glanced down at her hands, twisting them together and missing Dr. Ross' knowing smile.

"Okay, now look at these three scenarios as a whole. What is the key difference between them and what actually happened?"

Amy chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment as she thought about the doctor's question. "Well, I think there's two differences."

"Okay," Dr. Ross said with a nod. "Go on."

"I believe the answer you are looking for is communication."

Dr. Ross nodded again. "Correct. And the other?"

"Me, standing up for myself. By communicating, yes. But also... Just... Being strong enough to not let him walk all over me. Not giving into him just because I love him and don't want to rock the boat."

"I will definitely accept that as a second reason," Dr. Ross said with a broad smile. "Our time is almost up. Is there anything you would like to work on between now and our next session?"

"Well, I am definitely going to try to distance myself from him for a short while, to give myself some time to process and think. To figure out where I want to go from here. I am also going to practice some self-love. To think more about my worthiness and put it out into the universe. I'm also going to try to stand up for myself more, whether that's at work, around my friends, or if I see Sheldon."

"Excellent. That sounds like a wonderful plan going forward. We will check in at your next session to see how you are doing with all of that, okay?"

"Yep." Amy clapped her hands on her thighs, then stood up. "Thank you, Dr. Ross. I am finding our conversations to be incredibly helpful."

Dr. Ross stood, as well, smiling warmly at Amy. "You're quite welcome. I look forward to our next appointment."

"Me too." Amy smiled back. "See you then."