Title: "The Cognitive Confession Sessions" - Chapter 4
Rating: T
Author's Note: This chapter covers 9x05 and 9x06.
Amy walked into Dr. Ross' office, feeling rather glum. She wasn't looking forward to this session at all. She knew it was going be painful, and she was so very tired of hurting.
Dr. Ross took one good look at her and immediately picked up on her mood and didn't even bother with greetings.
"Amy, is everything alright?"
Amy sat down on the couch with an audible thump. "No," she croaked, and the tears immediately began to fall. Dammit, she thought.
Dr. Ross looked alarmed. "What happened?"
"Sheldon wants to date other people." Amy whimpered.
"Oh, Amy." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "Tell me exactly why this is bothering you."
"I thought... I thought I would have more time to... to figure things out. I am the first person Sheldon has ever dated and it took me over a year to get him to agree to be my boyfriend. And now... suddenly he's interested in other women? Did I turn him into a normal man? Did I miss my chance? Did I ruin everything?"
Amy buried her face in her hands and cried. Dr. Ross got up to hand Amy a box of tissues.
Amy took them, holding the box in her lap. She pulled out several tissues and wiped her face.
"Would you like to start from the beginning?" Dr. Ross asked gently. "Tell me how you found this out."
Amy sighed heavily and nodded her head. "Okay." She paused, trying to decide where to start. "So... Stuart, yeah?"
Dr. Ross nodded in recognition.
"He owns the comic book store that the guys always go to. He has been having trouble getting female customers so he asked Penny, Bernie, and I to come talk to him and give him tips on how to increase his female audience."
Amy tucked her hair behind her ear. "It's ridiculous, really. He is a nice guy, but he can be rather creepy sometimes. We looked up reviews of his shop online... Specifically reviews from women. They all talked about how Stuart had behaved while they were there. Basically, he acted weird and creepy. Penny jokingly asked Stuart what happened to him." Amy chuffed out a laugh. "She can be rather straightforward. Anyway, Stuart basically said that the longer he is alone, the more desperate he gets. I tried to relate to him, telling him that before Sheldon, I had been alone for a really long time and had been desperate for people to like me. And, of course, he turned that around as though I was hitting on him and he suggested that we go out again."
"What did you say?"
"I turned him down as gently as I could. Even if... even if I wasn't still in love with Sheldon, I wouldn't want to date Stuart. I'm not attracted to him, physically, mentally, or emotionally. He doesn't... He doesn't stimulate me the way Sheldon does. I... Obviously, I don't have any experience turning men down. It wasn't pleasant. I didn't feel good about it, especially after he said what he did about being alone and desperate. And I wasn't... I wasn't ready to date again, anyway. I wasn't ready to move on yet."
"You're saying 'wasn't,' does that mean you are now?"
Amy sighed. "I... I'll get to that. I need to tell you the rest first."
"Go ahead," Dr. Ross said quietly.
"After we left the comic book store, the girls and I went to Penny's apartment to hang out. While we were there, I received a text message from Sheldon's co-worker, Barry. He's also a physicist at Caltech. He and Sheldon have an interesting relationship. Sheldon would call them enemies. They've been forced to work together in the past and Sheldon always hates it. Anyway, Barry texted me and asked me out for a drink after work sometime."
"Wow," Dr. Ross replied.
"Yeah, two guys in one day." Amy flipped her hair with a flourish. "Look at me go!" She exclaimed sarcastically.
Dr. Ross chuckled. "Did you respond to the text message?"
"Yeah. I turned him down." Amy shook her head. "The guy actually had the gall to send me a nude photo of himself along with the invite for a drink."
Dr. Ross' eyes widened almost comically. "Well... that's certainly... something."
"Yeah, something creepy," Amy muttered. "And we thought Sheldon's social skills were lacking," she said with wry grin.
The doctor chuckled. "What happened next?"
"When Bernie and I were leaving, we ran into Sheldon and Leonard on the stairs. Of course, both Leonard and Bernadette bailed on us, leaving Sheldon and I alone to talk."
Amy shifted in her chair, looking down at her hands again. "It was... it was awkward. For me, at least. Sheldon seemed unbothered by it. It had been awhile since we saw each other in person and I just..." Amy shrugged. "I miss him," she whispered.
"That's understandable. You were essentially together for five years."
Amy nodded and swallowed the lump in her throat. "It took everything I had in me to not take those few steps towards him and bury my face in his chest." Her brows furrowed with pain. "Especially considering our relationship wasn't very physical in the first place."
"I think that's a natural response. You've said he was the first friend you ever had. Not to mention your first boyfriend and your first love. Losing that would leave quite a large hole in your life. It makes sense to want to take comfort in his presence."
Amy nodded and swiped at a tear that had fallen down her cheek.
"After we exchanged pleasantries, Sheldon said he had run into Barry and wanted to let me know that Barry was thinking of asking me out. I told him that he already had and that I said no. Then..." Amy wiped away another tear. "Then Sheldon said he had asked out two women earlier that day and they had both said no."
Amy rubbed a hand over the ache in her chest. "I said that I didn't know he was interested in dating other women. He said... He said he had been told it was a good way to… to move on," she choked out.
Her face crumpled then and she pulled some clean tissues from the box. "I was completely shocked. It took all of my strength not to cry right then. We said goodbye and he headed upstairs. I went downstairs to find that Bernadette had waited for me. While she drove me home, she asked how my conversation with Sheldon had gone. I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn't help it. I asked her to ask Howard if he knew anything about Sheldon and the two women. She said she would let me know, then suggested that if I wasn't interested in dating Stuart or Barry, that I find someone I was interested in dating. That maybe it would help. I told her I wasn't ready but that I would think about it."
"Did Bernadette ever get back to you?"
"Yes. She texted me later that night. She told me that the guys had taken a fencing class, which is where Sheldon saw Barry. After their class, they went for a few drinks at a bar. While they were there, the guys suggested Sheldon find someone new to date in order to move on. Apparently, he was resistant at first, but then he had some beer."
Amy smiled slightly. "Sheldon doesn't drink often, so when he does, it doesn't take much. Apparently he had just a few sips of his beer and it gave him the courage to go ask someone out. He walked up to a table of three women and asked two of them out but apparently he struck out both times."
Amy shrugged. "That made me feel a little better, knowing that it had been spur of the moment, he was drinking, and they were random women. But... it... still hurt. I don't know why, but I just never expected this to happen. I just assumed Sheldon would remain single, at least for a good while. I never thought... I didn't think he would be interested in dating anyone. I guess... I just didn't anticipate having to deal with these emotions on top of everything else I'm feeling. It's just… a lot."
"It sounds to me like you haven't ruled out getting back together with Sheldon," Dr. Ross said quietly.
Amy sighed. "I don't know what I want." She slumped back against the couch. "I know it's not fair of me to break up with him and then deny him another relationship. It's just... When we broke up, when I broke up with him, I did it out of anger at the things he said to me. But my intention had never been to break up with him. Certainly not like that. I asked for a break, for some time and space to think. I feel like he forced my hand. And now... he's moving on. I'm not even sure I'm ready to move on... But it looks like I may not have a choice. And that's really frustrating, because none of this was my choice. Yes, I broke up with him, but it wasn't my intention to do so. He forced me to make the choice without giving me time." Amy groaned. "I'm rambling. Does that make sense?"
"It does," Dr. Ross said. "Maybe you should discuss this with Sheldon. Tell him how you feel."
"What if it's too late?" Amy whispered.
"You won't know until you try."
"But... what would I even say? Hey Sheldon, I didn't actually want to break up with you. I want to get back together but still be on a break?"
"Maybe you could just ask him not to date anyone else until you figure out what you need."
"That wouldn't be fair."
Dr. Ross quirked an eyebrow. "Why?"
"I did something..." Amy murmured and made a face. "I was so... so flustered by finding out that he wanted to move on, so I... signed up for a dating app."
"Oh," Dr. Ross said in surprise.
"That night after Bernie texted me."
"And?"
"I've been on four dates with three guys, although the last guy, Dave, I actually met in a bookstore. And… my friends found out about my dates."
"Ah. Well, why don't you tell me about it?"
"I went out for coffee with the two guys from the dating app and then had dinner with one of them. We didn't really have any chemistry, so we're not going out again. Same with the other guy who I just had coffee with. Dave and I met at a bookstore; we were both looking at books in the science section. The store had a coffee shop in it, so we sat there for awhile and chatted. We exchanged phone numbers. Dave was interesting enough, so I agreed to go out with him. We're having dinner next week."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I'm... I don't know. He seems like a nice guy. He's quirky, nerdy, kinda funny, but... He's not Sheldon." Amy frowned. "Will I ever stop comparing other men to him? Will I ever get over him?"
"The only one who can answer that is you. You still love him, so you either have to learn to live with that and move on, or figure out a way to stop loving him. I imagine it will get easier with time. Let me ask you something, though. If Sheldon hadn't said what he did about moving on, would you be dating yet?"
"I don't think I would have signed up for the dating app yet, but I probably would have still had coffee with Dave at the bookstore… Although… I may not have agreed to a second date… I'm not really sure."
"You know… If you're not ready, that's okay. It's not a race."
Amy nodded. "I know," she murmured quietly. She did know that. Signing up for the app had been a spur of the moment decision that she had made because it hurt so much finding out that Sheldon was trying to move on. She supposed, in a way, she had been trying to hurt him back. God, what a mess, she thought.
As far as Dave went, she wasn't sure if she would have had coffee with him in the first place or not, but it didn't really matter. She had and she had plans to see him again, whether she was truly ready to move on or not.
"How did your friends find out you were dating again?"
"We were going to have a girls' night at Bernie's house. Stuart is actually currently living with Howard and Bernadette and he had gone on a date, via an app. Before I got there, Bernie told Penny about the app and they asked Stuart to show them. When I arrived, they ambushed me. They took my phone and put the dating app on it. Howard and Raj showed up. They came home early from whatever they were doing. So then the five of them started looking through all of the men on the app and making comments. Then, they hooked it up to the TV so they could all see at the same time. They weren't being very nice, making fun of the guys on the app, and I was really uncomfortable."
"Last time we talked, we discussed sticking up for yourself..."
Amy hung her head in shame. "I know," she whispered. "I guess I just... wasn't prepared to go up against all of them. I did tell them they were being mean, though." Sort of, she thought.
"So how did they find out that you are already dating?"
"Dave texted me. It flashed across the TV. He said he'd had a good time the night before, when we had coffee, and that he would love to take me out again."
"Ah," Dr. Ross nodded.
"I grabbed my phone back but it was too late. Then the interrogation began." Amy rolled her eyes. "They wanted to know why I didn't tell them. They asked me how it was going. They wanted to know how many guys I had seen. Bernie said she thought I wasn't ready which is what I had told her in the car that night."
"What did you say to that?"
"I told them that I didn't have much experience with dating, so I thought it would be good to get out there a little."
"Why didn't you tell them you were dating? Specifically Penny and Bernadette?"
"It just felt weird, you know? Since they're friends with Sheldon too. Also, I didn't want them to get all excited about it, which is basically exactly what they did. And... Well, I didn't tell them because I wasn't really ready to date and I didn't want them to know if I failed."
"So, you're going to dinner with Dave... Are you going to see any other men from the dating app?"
Amy sighed. "No. I will delete the app."
Dr. Ross leaned forward in her chair. "Amy, you only have to do what you want to do. Don't let me sway your decision. I just think you need to take a hard look at what you actually want and what you need to do to get there. It's of no consequence to me whether you date or not. What matters is if you're ready. You shouldn't date someone just because Sheldon dates someone new. It's not a competition and it's not fair to anyone involved. I would hate to see you jump into another relationship that makes you unhappy. A lot of people do that and it never turns out the way they hope it will."
"You're right. I know that," Amy said quietly. "I know I wasn't ready and I only did all this because I was jealous and sad."
"Those feelings are completely valid. It's your reaction to them that can have consequences."
Amy nodded her understanding.
"My suggestion for you would be to decide, first and foremost, whether you want to get back together with Sheldon or not. If you do, you need to figure out what has to change between the two of you for it to work and whether you're willing to make those changes and put in the effort. And talk to him. Alternatively, if you don't want to get back with him, you need to figure that out so you can really start working on moving on."
Amy straightened her spine. "I will do some soul-searching and figure out what I want," she said resolutely.
"Okay. And remember... give yourself some grace. This is difficult and you don't have to decide overnight. Take the time to really, truly think about it and what you want from your life."
"Okay." Amy nodded.
"That's all the time we have for today. Next time we meet, we can discuss where you're at with this."
"Thank you. I appreciate your patience with me." Amy shrugged self-deprecatingly. She felt so wishy-washy and really hated feeling that way. It wasn't like her. But then, all of this was new territory for her. She had never broken up with anyone before, never had to move on from someone she loved before. It was incredibly stressful.
Dr. Ross smiled. "No need to thank me. That's my job."
