Title: "The Cognitive Confession Sessions" - Chapter 6

Rating: T

Author's Note: This chapter covers 9x09, the Thanksgiving episode where Sheldon and Amy go to the aquarium.


It was the Tuesday after Thanksgiving and Amy felt like a zombie as she walked into the building that housed Dr. Ross' office.

She had spent the entire weekend wallowing in her pajamas, eating ice cream, and watching Little House on the Prairie reruns. The rest of her time had been spent ignoring Penny's text messages and crying until her eyes were swollen and sore. Every time she tried to sleep, she fell into a series of terrible night terrors, in which the outcome was usually the same - she was left cold and alone. Always painfully alone.

She hadn't left her apartment until she had to go to work on Monday morning. By then, she felt like the walking dead.

Amy greeted the perky, blonde receptionist who smiled at her and told her to have a seat in the waiting room. Amy did as she was told, sitting stoically with her back as straight as a board and hands folded in her lap.

Her next appointment wasn't supposed to be until the following week but she had called the doctor's office first thing on Monday morning and asked for an emergency session. The soonest they had been able to get her in was the next day. And here she was.

She didn't have to wait long before she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head to see Dr. Charlotte Ross looking at her with a concerned smile on her face.

"Hello Amy."

"Hi," Amy croaked out. Seeing the doctor made her insides do somersaults. She felt queasy.

"Come on back."

Amy stood up to follow the doctor. This was only the second time Dr. Ross had come out to fetch her from the waiting room. In all the appointments between this one and her first, she had walked back to greet the doctor already in her office at the behest of the receptionist. She briefly wondered why today was different.

They walked into the office together and Dr. Ross shut the door behind them as Amy took a seat on the familiar grey couch. Except this time, the psychiatrist sat at the other end of the sofa, clipboard nowhere to be seen.

"Oh," Amy murmured as she turned to the side to face Dr. Ross.

"I hope you don't mind if I sit here."

"No. It's... okay," Amy said with a soft voice and a barely there smile.

"So, you called for an emergency session and I can tell just by looking at you that something is wrong. Would you like to tell me what's going on?" Dr. Ross asked, her voice quiet and somber.

Amy sighed and looked down at her hands. She felt pain squeeze in her chest as she whispered the words, "Sheldon just wants to be friends."

She shrugged, surprised by her dry eyes. She had expected to burst into tears as soon as she sat down, but she must be all out; not to mention, dehydrated. She finally glanced up at the doctor's face.

Dr. Ross studied her for a moment, her head tilted slightly. "How did it all happen?"

"After our last session, I was working on everything I wanted to say to Sheldon. Then he called me a couple of days before Thanksgiving. Before we broke up, we had bought two tickets to go to a Thanksgiving lunch buffet at an aquarium. Sheldon couldn't get anyone to go with him so he called me to offer me the tickets. He said I could take whoever I wanted. I could tell he really wanted to go, and I was trying to figure out how to take the first step in repairing our relationship so I suggested that we go together as friends. He asked if I thought it would be awkward and I said I thought it would be fine. He readily accepted and said he would see me then."

"I picked him up that morning. I don't believe I've ever told you this, but Sheldon doesn't drive. When he got in the car, he pulled out a piece of paper. He had found a list of questions on the Internet to ask each other so that it wouldn't be awkward. After a while, I got tired of the questions. Most of them were things we already knew about each other or inconsequential topics like the weather. I told him I thought we were perfectly capable of having a conversation without a list. He asked what we should talk about and I told him to ask me whatever came to mind."

Amy smiled slightly. "I walked right into that one."

"What did he ask?"

"He said he knew that I had been dating, and he wanted to know if I'd had coitus with anyone."

"Oh!" Dr. Ross said, slightly surprised.

Amy smiled. "It was a very Sheldon thing to ask."

"What did you say?"

"I paused. Apparently long enough for him to feel the tension because the next thing he said was that he sensed things had gotten awkward. I told him that it was okay, that if we're friends we should be able to talk about anything. Then I said something about him having questions about me seeing other people. He rattled off a list of five or six questions relating to my dates and ended with the coitus question again. I told him how many dates I'd been on with how many men, where I had met them, what we did on our dates, and that I hadn't slept with any of them. He asked if I had any questions for him and I said just one. I asked him if he was doing okay. He said he was and I told him that I was glad because I want him to be happy. He said he believed me. Then we just talked about random stuff the rest of the way."

"How did you feel when he asked you all those questions about dating other men?"

Amy sighed and looked down again. "Just... sad. I don't know." She shrugged. "I felt guilty. I wasn't surprised he asked me those things. He's very straightforward in that way. But mainly, it made me sad."

"Why sad?"

"I guess... because I already knew that I wanted to get back together with him. And I missed him. And all of this happened because of me. I broke up with him. Then I got jealous and started seeing other people even though I didn't really want to. From what I can gather, he hasn't seen anyone else. I'm the cause of all this. He only had to ask me those questions because of my actions."

"Amy, this isn't your fault. Your break up wasn't just caused by you. He had a hand in it. He did many things that made you feel lonely, hurt, unimportant. And when it came down to it, you only asked for a break. He insulted you and pushed at you until you had to break up with him."

Amy swallowed, feeling a lump rise up in her throat. Maybe she wasn't all out of tears after all.

"A relationship is a series of actions and reactions. Like we've discussed before, you both had positive and negative actions and reactions. You are not the only one to blame here. And right now, the important part is to learn from your past. And you're here. You're doing the work. You're trying. That matters," Dr. Ross said.

Amy nodded. "Okay," she whispered.

"Now finish telling me everything that happened," Dr. Ross said kindly.

Amy blew out a breath and forced the tears away. She could do this.

"We had lunch at the aquarium cafeteria. It was as horrible as you might imagine," Amy said with a wry smile.

Dr. Ross chuckled softly.

"And then we walked around the aquarium with the other guests. Sheldon made up a new game and we played that. At one point, I told him I missed this, and he didn't catch my meaning. He thought I meant the game."

Amy pulled at a loose thread on her skirt. "We had a really nice time. Everything felt… normal. I really missed talking to him. It was honestly just like old times. We were never affectionate or physical in public, so it literally felt like all of the other times we had gone out together. We talked, we played games, we laughed. It was… I don't know. It just felt right." She smiled sadly. "We didn't talk about our break up. We didn't talk any more about the dates I had been on. We just enjoyed each other's company. I drove him home and when I pulled up outside of his apartment, he thanked me for going with him. Said he was glad we could function as friends. I agreed and told him that I'd had a nice time, then he left, and I headed to my parents house for Thanksgiving dinner."

"So that's why you think he just wants to be friends?"

"No," Amy murmured. "There's more." She wished there wasn't.

Dr. Ross nodded. "Okay."

"The whole time I was at my parents, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I had already decided that I wanted to talk to him about our relationship, about possibly getting back together, but after spending the day with him and having such a nice time, I just couldn't wait any longer. I didn't want to waste anymore time." Amy sighed. "So I called him on my way home."

Dr. Ross waited, letting Amy work through her emotions.

"I told him I was heading home and he asked me if I had a good time. I told him I did, then said I had been thinking that maybe I was ready to be his girlfriend again. He said, 'I thought we were just friends.' And I said that we are, but that I was hoping… And then he cut me off. He said…" Amy choked on a sob. "He said that he excels at many things, but getting over me wasn't one of them."

She covered her face with her hands as the tears started pouring out once again. "And then… He said… 'I think I need to just be your friend.'"

Amy lowered her hands and clenched them into fists. "God, I'm so stupid. I wish I hadn't said it like that. I wasn't expecting him to immediately turn me down. I thought I would be able to start with that and then tell him I wanted to have a conversation about our relationship and ask if he would meet with me sometime that weekend. I wasn't anticipating that he would say yes or no right off the bat. If he had let me finish instead of cutting me off, I could have gotten to it, but… I didn't have the chance."

"Let me ask you something. During our last session, what did you tell me was the worst case scenario?"

Amy stopped for a moment, briefly taken aback. "Um…" She paused. "I said that he'll say no when I ask him to take me back. That I've ruined everything."

"Yes. You did say that. Do you remember what else?"

Amy frowned, her brows drawing together as she tried to think back. "I… No… I can't remember."

"You also said that he wouldn't want you in his life in any capacity, as a girlfriend or a friend."

"Oh. Yeah. Okay. I remember." She did remember, but she wasn't sure what that had to do with anything. The main thing was he said no. He didn't want her back. They were over. For good. Forever. And somehow she knew that even if she moved on some day, it would never be the same. There would never be another man for her like Sheldon.

"So what we know right now is that the worst case scenario hasn't happened."

"How can you say that?" Amy asked in anguish. "It's over. We're officially done."

Dr. Ross smiled. "What I'm hearing when you talk about your day together is that he is happy to be your friend and that he didn't excel at getting over you."

Amy's mouth popped open. "But…" She sputtered. "I don't know if I can do that. Just be friends. I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, so I hadn't given it much thought, but I…"

Dr. Ross cut her off. "Amy. He's not over you."

"What?"

"He's not over you," Dr. Ross repeated slowly.

Amy's eyes widened almost comically. "But… I… He…"

"You have been in therapy for weeks now. But it wasn't until recently that you were sure you wanted to get back together with Sheldon, even though you still love him. Maybe he's not there yet. Maybe he doesn't have someone to talk to like this - someone other than Leonard and Penny. Maybe he hasn't had the time to process all of his feelings. But he isn't over you, he said so himself. And he wants to be your friend. He is happy that you can function as friends. He wants you near him, in his life."

"He's not over me? He wants me near him?" Amy repeated dumbly.

Dr. Ross chuckled slightly. "It may not be as simple as that, but that's what I'm hearing from an outsider's point of view."

"Oh." Amy said, her mind tripping over itself trying to process this information. "Oh." She met the doctor's gaze. "So what do I do now?"

"Well, in my opinion, you wait it out. Be his friend. Go back to eating dinner with the group. Integrate yourself right back in there. Stay near him, but give him time and let him process. And maybe after awhile, you'll find another opportunity to broach the subject of having a conversation about your relationship. Except, maybe don't lead with telling him that you want to get back together," Dr. Ross said with a grin. "Figure out another way to bring it up. Give him some time, but then invite him to do something just the two of you. And then just start talking about it with him. Find out what he thinks and feels about it. And you never know... maybe he'll surprise you and make the first move."

Amy snorted. "That's doubtful. He barely made a move when we were together."

"And it's okay if he doesn't... because you can still try. In my opinion, it's not over and you haven't ruined anything."

Amy slumped to the side, leaning against the couch as she rubbed her tired eyes. "Its really felt like that over the last few days. I've been... miserable. I haven't been able to sleep. I... have night terrors. I have since I was a child. They flare up when I'm stressed out."

Dr. Ross frowned. "I'm going to give you some information on relaxation techniques to help you calm your mind before sleep. There's some breathing exercises and meditative techniques you can use. There's also a few apps and videos on YouTube that can help."

Dr. Ross stood up and moved to her desk. She sat down at her computer and continued talking. "The main treatment for night terrors in adults is treating the underlying issue with therapy, which you're already doing."

"Underlying issue?"

"Anxiety, depression, PTSD. In your case, I would say you're experiencing severe anxiety. I could give you a medication for that, but we will hold off on that for now, as I think this is mainly situational and this session itself may help. You might want to consider scheduling weekly appointments with me for the next few weeks, but I'll leave that up to you. We'll use medication as our next option, if you're comfortable with that."

Dr. Ross' printer started whirring and Amy nodded. She wasn't sure how she felt about taking medication. It wasn't something she'd ever really considered for herself before. She would have to think about it.

Dr. Ross stood up and came back around to the couch. "Don't let me forget to give you that information before you leave," she said and pointed at the printer.

Amy nodded as the doctor took her seat again.

"Tell me what happens with your night terrors."

"I don't really remember the dreams themselves. It's more like... a feeling. I'll wake up gasping for breath and flailing around, drenched in sweat. It feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. And just this overwhelming feeling of... something. Sometimes it's fear. Usually I just feel so... alone. Like... like I have no one in the world. Everything just feels so... dark."

Dr. Ross nodded. "That's the difference between nightmares and night terrors. They occur during a different stage of sleep. Most people with night terrors can't tell you what they were dreaming about, or if they even were."

She paused, searching Amy's face. "You know you're not alone in the world, right? You have your friends. Penny. Bernadette. Even Sheldon. He cares about you and I'm sure he would be there for you if you ever needed something. You have your parents."

"I know." Amy sighed. "It's just a deep rooted insecurity, triggered by what I felt was the loss of Sheldon. I mean, I went thirty years without a single friend. My parents were... intense. I never felt very close to them. It's a hard thing to let go of." Amy paused. "And I may have ruined things with the friends I have anyway," she whispered sadly.

"Why do you say that?"

"Penny has been texting and calling me all weekend and I've ignored every single one. Well, except the one where she asked if I was alive. I did tell her yes on that one. Mostly because I was worried she would show up at my apartment and I didn't want to face her."

"Why have you been ignoring her?"

"I was feeling sorry for myself, I guess. And maybe a little embarrassed that I tried to get Sheldon back and he said no."

"Maybe your night terrors would lessen if you talked to her. I'm sure she just wants to be there for you."

Amy nodded. "I know. I guess I was just too busy wallowing in self-pity. I'll text her this evening."

"And like I said, don't give up hope yet. I don't think this is necessarily over forever. Just hang in there, okay?"

Amy nodded.

"Is there anything else you'd like to go over while you're here?"

"No. You've given me a lot to think about. I'll keep my appointment for next week and see you then."

"Alright." Dr. Ross stood up and walked over to the printer. "There are several exercises for you to try in these papers and I've also given you some links to my favorite resources for relaxation. Try one of these tonight before you go to sleep and see if talking to Penny helps you get some much needed rest."

Amy stood up and took the papers the doctor offered her. "I will. Thank you, Dr. Ross. I really appreciate you seeing me for an extra appointment."

"Any time, Amy. I mean that. Call whenever you need to talk."