Hey guys. So sorry for the delay on this chapter. I know it's been months, but I had really bad writer's block for this story for a while and the stress of college did not help. I tried to make this chapter longer than the others, though, so I hope it makes up for the wait.

Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide.

I hope you enjoy.


The fear is paralyzing, rendering him motionless despite the fact that there is a truck heading in his direction that is showing no signs of stopping before it inevitably crashes into him. His mind has gone completely blank, and even though every nerve in his body should be screaming at him to run, to get away before it's too late, his feet remain glued to the asphalt below him.

He closes his eyes, bracing himself for the impact, but it never comes. Instead, a sudden weight crashes into him from his left, causing him to land on the ground just a few feet from where he had been standing. He's shaking, his breathing coming out in deep gasps for air. He feels arms around him, a voice, Kendall's voice, saying something he's not fully able to register. He sounds frantic, though, scared.

James' eyes are now open, but he's unable to focus on what's happening in front of him. It's not until he feels two hands cupping his face in between them that he finally snaps out of it.

"James! James, can you hear me? Please, James, say something."

"W-what—"

He doesn't even get the chance to ask what has just happened before he's being pulled into a tight hug. "Don't ever do that again, James. You scared me."

"I'm sorry," he hears himself say, his voice thick due to the tears that have now welled up in his eyes.

He hears footsteps running towards them, and then Logan's kneeling in front of him. His eyes move from James to Kendall and back to James. "Are you guys okay?"

"I'm okay," Kendall says as he pulls away from James. "Are you okay?" he asks, turning his full attention to James.

James is about to nod when Kendall grabs his arm and brings it up to his face for a closer look. "Your elbow's bleeding," he says quietly when James tries to pull his arm back. "You must've scratched it up when we fell. We should get back to the hospital, get it checked out."

"No!" James shouts, panic draping over him like a blanket. Only this blanket does not provide warmth and security. Instead, it fills him with anxiety and dread. "I'm fine, really, it's just a scratch."

"But—"

"I'll clean it up," Logan offers before Kendall can get another word out. "Your mom keeps a first-aid kit in the car in case of emergencies."

"You didn't get hurt anywhere else?" Kendall asks James, who nods in response. "Okay, if you're sure..."

"I'm sure."

"Alright, let's go." Kendall stands and reaches an arm out for James to take.

James stands on shaking legs, using Logan's shoulder as a crutch once he is standing on both feet. He offers Logan a small smile, and then turns to Kendall, the smile on his face slowly vanishing.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

He swallows the lump that has started to form in his throat, blinking back the tears he has yet to release. "About what I said earlier... I'm sorry."

"It's okay—"

"No, I shouldn't have stormed out the way I did. I know you were just trying to help. I know you do it because you care, it's just that..."

"Just that what?" Kendall asks when James trails off.

James sighs, alternating his weight from one foot to the other. He shakes his head and starts walking in the direction of the hospital. "Nothing."

Kendall falls in step with him, while Logan follows them closely from behind. "James, please tell me."

"It's not important."

"It's important if it's bothering you."

"I just feel like I'm being watched under a microscope, okay?"

"What?"

James turns around to face Kendall, his eyes full of uncertainty. "I just don't want you to spend every waking hour worrying over me, because I know you. I know that's what you do. You worry so much over everyone else that you forget about yourself."

"I do not—"

"You do," Logan intervenes.

"I'm sorry. It's just... what happened with Carlos. I can't, I won't— I can't lose you too, James."

"You're not gonna lose me."

"I'm not so sure about that."

James says nothing after that. He feels like a bucket of ice cold water has just been dunked over his head, leaving him unable to speak. He feels a hand land on his shoulder, but he doesn't turn to look back.

"Come on, James," he hears Logan say as his hand travels from James' shoulder to his back. He walks, though his moves feel robotic. He's there but he's not. He can hear what's going on around him, see what's going on around him, but it all feels like he's living it through somebody else's senses rather than his own.

He walks in a daze until he feels hands forcing him to sit down on a plastic chair. They're back at the hospital, back at the place that makes him feel like he's choking on air.

"James."

He snaps his head to the right, in the direction in which Logan's voice had come from.

"Are you okay?" Logan questions him as he takes a seat to James' right. They're in a waiting area, although it's not the same one they had been in before. This one's vacant, void of human life aside from the two of them.

"Where's Kendall?" James asks, dodging Logan's question. Kendall's nowhere to be found, even though he had been walking with them all the way to the hospital.

"He went to get the first-aid kit," Logan responds. "Which, by the way, can I take a look at it?" he asks as he points at James' arm.

James bites his lip, hesitance clear on his face as he slowly nods his head. "Y-yeah." He pulls at his sweater sleeve slowly and raises his arm so that Logan can take a closer look. "Is it bad?" he asks, his voice wavering.

"No, it looks like it was just a scrape, luckily. Nothing I can't fix," Logan says as he lets go of James' arm. "Are you... Are you okay otherwise, though?"

"What do you mean?" James asks, swallowing hard. He knows exactly what Logan means by the question, it's just not a question he wants to answer.

"I mean..." Logan sighs as he starts fidgeting with his hands. "You know what I mean, James."

James looks down at the floor, then at the wall that's in front of them, avoiding Logan's gaze. "I don't know how to answer that... I'm pretty sure Kendall's upset at me or something."

"Because of earlier?"

"Because of the way he reacted when I told him he wasn't gonna lose me."

"I think he probably just feels really helpless right now. Like he can't do anything, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I think he wants to help you, he's just not sure what to do or say to make things better."

"And I wish he wouldn't do that," James says practically in a whisper as his eyes start to fill with tears. The ache in his heart is persistent, but it's times like these in which it almost feels like it's trying to squeeze the life right out of him. "I don't want it to be a repeat of last time."

"Last time?"

James turns to Logan wish a sorrowful look on his face. "When his dad died. He blamed himself so much for so long. Thought he could've done something to stop it, remember?"

"I remember," Logan says under his breath.

"He's always been like that." James shakes his head. "He wants to help everyone, he wants to save everyone. I think sometimes he forgets that he's only human. That he can only do so much."

"I know he does, but he cares a lot about you. He just doesn't want anything to happen to you."

"I know, but nothing's gonna happen."

"Can you blame him for worrying?"

"I... I guess not," James says, his voice dropping to a whisper. He instinctively pulls at his sweater sleeve until it has reached the palm of his hand and tightens his fingers against it. "I guess if I was in his shoes, I'd be worried t—"

James cuts himself off as he hears footsteps heading in their direction. Sure enough, only a second later, Kendall comes into sight, a white box held tightly under one arm.

"Got the first-aid kit," Kendall announces as he places it on Logan's lap. "Are we doing this here, or...?"

"Let's go to the restroom," Logan says as he rises from his seat.

James follows his lead with a bit of hesitance and together, the three of them make their way to the nearest restroom.

"You should return those to your mom," Logan tells Kendall as he's pulling at the restroom door. He nods with his head at the keys that are still dangling off the fingers on Kendall's right hand.

"You don't need my help?"

Logan shakes his head. "Nah, I got it from here."

"Okay. I'll be back."

"It's fine, we'll join you there," Logan says as he opens the door for James. James takes one last glance at Kendall before stepping foot into the restroom along with Logan.

"Do we have to?" James asks once the door has closed shut behind them. He's leaning against the restroom wall, his eyes locked on his feet.

"Do we have to what?" Logan asks in confusion.

James sucks in a breath and slowly looks up, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth. "Go over there..."

Logan stares at him for a moment, then gently pushes James to where the bathroom sinks are. He starts working on patching up the cut on James' elbow, all the while glancing up at him every now and then.

"Do you not want us to go over there?" he asks as he's finishing up.

"I... I don't know," James says as he pulls his arm towards his chest.

"What's bothering you, Jay?" Logan's eyes reflect nothing but worry as he stares up at James. "Why don't you want us to go with everyone else?"

"It's just... overwhelming. I know, it's awful. I should want to be there, but I just." Nausea starts to form in his stomach, quickly making its way up his esophagus until he feels like he's choking, not being able to take in enough air with every breath he takes. It feels like his lungs have filled up with water. Everything seems to be spinning.

"Hey, James. James, what's wrong?"

"I can't— I can't go back there." He takes in a huge gulp of air, his hands tightening around the edge of the sink he's standing in front of.

"We don't have to, it's okay," Logan says softly, moving his left hand to rub small circles on James' back. "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

"I feel awful," James chokes out. "I should want to be with everyone..."

"Being surrounded by so much sadness does get to be too much. It's okay to take a break. It's okay to do what's best for you."

"I just feel so selfish."

"You're not," Logan whispers. "You're not selfish for putting yourself first, I promise you that."

James sniffles, the tears he had been trying so hard to hide having made their way out of their hiding spot. He wastes no time in wrapping his arms around Logan and shielding his face against his shoulder.

"It's okay," Logan whispers. "It's all gonna be okay."

If only that were true.

If only he could believe that.


"Thanks for the keys, Mom," Kendall says as he hands the car keys back to his mother. He offers her a small smile and then takes a seat next to Katie, who is sitting with her head leaning against Mrs. Knight's shoulder. As soon as Kendall's sitting down, however, she alternates her position so that she's leaning against him. He doesn't miss the way his mom looks at them with saddened eyes.

"Hey, baby sister," he whispers as he brings one arm around Katie's shoulders. "Have you heard anything?" he asks, his attention now on his mom.

"No, baby," his mom says. She looks like she's been crying. Her eyes are puffy and red, dark bags showcasing underneath them. It's clear to see they weren't the only ones that didn't get much sleep the night before. "It may be a while. The doctors don't think he'll be waking up soon."

"Oh." Kendall bites down on his bottom lip, hard. There are tears in his eyes, blurring his vision, causing everything around him to appear a hazy mess. He blinks them back, though, tightens his hold around Katie, and lets out a strangled sigh. He doesn't want to cry, especially not in front of Katie. He'll cry once he's home. Once he's alone. Once no one can hear him.

"Are his parents with him?" he asks as he notes the absence of Mr. and Mrs. Garcia.

His mother nods solemnly and everything goes quiet after that, until a few minutes later, when his phone buzzes in his pocket. It's a text from Logan.

Hey, we're just gonna hang here for a while. James isn't feeling too well.

He types quickly – so quickly that he has to delete half of his message and retype it because his hands are shaking so hard he can hardly type.

Is he okay?

He lets his hand drop to his lap, his phone still held tightly in his palm. It takes a couple of minutes, but soon, another text from Logan comes through.

Yeah, he just doesn't feel like being around everyone right now, so I don't wanna force him. We'll go over there once he's ready.

He reads the text several times before typing out a quick "Okay." and slipping his phone back into his pocket. He feels antsy and nervous. Perhaps it's the protective side of him coming out, but he wants nothing more than to go see if James is okay. However, Katie's practically leaning most of her weight against him and she looks more scared than Kendall has ever seen her in his entire life. He doesn't remember ever seeing her this upset, but he's not surprised. James and Carlos have been a part of her life since she was born, while Logan's been in her life since she was two. She's grown up with all three of them by her side, and despite the fact that they are not blood-related, they've become her brothers – their brothers. And as hard as Kendall might try, he cannot imagine a life without all three of them by their side.

"M-Mom." The word slips out of his mouth before he can even stop himself. The tears are falling, he can't make them stop. Beside him, he can feel Katie's body shaking. She's crying, too.

Great, you made her cry, he thinks, but even then, he can't stop the words that come out of his mouth a second later.

"I don't want him to die, Mom. I don't wanna—" He chokes, his head leaning forward as his body starts to shake as well. "I don't wanna lose h-him."

His eyes are closed tightly, but as arms wrap around them both, he can tell that they belong to his mother. She's kneeling in front of him and Katie, struggling to comfort the two of them as they cry against her shoulders.

"You can't think like that, sweetheart. Both of you," she says, turning to Katie. "I know it's hard, I know things seem hopeless and this all came out of nowhere, but the doctor says there's a good chance he will wake up. We just gotta give it time."

"That's the thing, though." Kendall wipes under his eyes, his hand dampening with tears. "This didn't just come out of nowhere. This had to have built up, this had to have come from somewhere. Carlos was hurting all along, and we were too blind to even notice..."


It's five hours later, and they're all now back at the apartment. Mrs. Knight is in the kitchen talking to Carlos' parents over a cup of coffee. Katie's playing a video game to distract herself. James is in his room, finally asleep, to Kendall's relief. And he and Logan are in their room, lost in their own thoughts, until Kendall breaks the silence between them.

"Can I talk to you?" he asks quietly as he maneuvers his body so that he's now facing Logan's bed.

"Uh, sure," Logan replies before rolling over and making his way to Kendall's bed. He takes a seat on the edge, beside Kendall, and turns to look at him. "What do you wanna talk about?"

"James," Kendall responds. "I've just... I've been thinking... what happened today, this morning... Do you think he could have done it on purpose?"

Logan stares at him for a moment, unsure of how to respond. He knows James is hurting and hasn't been coping in the healthiest way, but he hadn't thought that James had done what he had on purpose.

"You mean walk in front of a truck?" he asks to make sure he's understanding Kendall correctly. That idea alone sends shivers crawling up his spine.

"Yeah," Kendall swallows, his eyes locked on his comforter as he rubs his fingers against it in a circular motion, "that."

"I... I hadn't thought about that," Logan says softly. "But no, I don't think James would do that."

"We never imagined Carlos would either," Kendall points out. "I just... I keep thinking... What if he's next?"

"Kendall..." Logan frowns, pulls his knees towards his chest, and wraps his arms around them. He clamps his mouth shut, squeezes his eyes tightly, and tries to refrain himself from crying. "Don't say that."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm scared, too," Logan says as he scoots closer to the headboard, so that his and Kendall's shoulders are now touching. "I keep telling myself that this will all be over soon, but it just feels like... like it never will be."

He feels an arm wind around his shoulders, pulling him closer, enveloping him in warmth. He closes his eyes, tucks his head underneath Kendall's chin, and tries to remind himself to breathe, because right now that's all he can do. Breathe and hope that the world doesn't crumble at his feet.

"We need to talk to James," he says, "together. Once he's awake and feeling a bit better, we need to talk to him."

He feels Kendall nod against him as he reaches for Logan's hand and squeezes it in his own. "We will," he promises before pressing a kiss to the side of his head. "We will soon."


I think I might have overdone it with the angst on this chapter... oops.

I'm on summer break now, so I'm gonna try my best to update all the stories I'm currently working on. With that being said, the next update for this story should not take as long as this one did.

I hope you guys liked this chapter. Let me know your thoughts. :)

~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)