Title: "The Cognitive Confession Sessions" - Chapter 7

Rating: T

Author's Note: This chapter covers 9x10, "The Earworm Reverberation." We are veering away from therapy at this point, but we'll go back in the next and final chapter.

I really struggled with the beginning of this chapter. After my last chapter, I just could not see Amy calling Dave again, but I am trying to keep this story as close to canon as possible. I've been reading transcripts and re-watching episodes, over and over to get things right. So I had to go rogue a little bit and figure out a reason for Amy to call Dave again. I hope I did alright! Let me know your thoughts.

This is a long one, folks, so buckle up for the ride! :)


It had been two days since her last session with Dr. Ross and Amy was finally starting to feel human again. She had texted with Penny to let her know how she was doing and to apologize for going off the rails and ignoring her messages. Penny had thankfully understood and accepted Amy's offer for a girls' night on Friday evening.

She had also finally gotten some decent sleep. Dr. Ross had been right, talking to Penny had helped. Therapy had helped. And she had tried some breathing techniques to calm herself before bed that seemed to have helped. She hadn't had any more night terrors, although she still hadn't slept quite as peacefully as she would have liked. Which is why she was now standing in the cafeteria line at lunch time at Caltech.

She had woken up late that morning, having snoozed her alarm too many times. She hadn't had time to pack her lunch, so she was now standing in line, trying to decide between a club sandwich or a Cesar salad for lunch.

Suddenly, she heard familiar voices a few spots ahead of her in line and was about to greet the owners of said voices when she heard them mention her ex-boyfriend's name. She hesitated and listened closer.

"Hey, did Leonard tell you Sheldon went on a date?" Howard asked. Amy's stomach dropped.

"Nooooo, he didn't. With who?" Rajesh asked.

"That new experimental physicist, Dr. Peterson."

"The hot blonde?"

"One and the same. Can you believe it? Why in the world would she be interested in that tall dweeb? She could have any guy here."

"Damn. I was thinking about asking her out."

"Of course you were. You're desperate."

Raj scoffed. "Whatever dude. Our babies would be beautiful chocolate vanilla swirls. Did you hear how it went?"

"I guess it went okay. They're having lunch together today in her office."

"What? No way! So she asked him out?"

Howard laughed. "Of course. Like he would ask anyone out."

"I mean, you never know. Stranger things have happened."

"Yeah, like him turning Amy down when she tried to get back with him."

"I know, can you believe that? Especially after he was going to-"

"Shhh, quiet Raj. We don't want anyone to hear," Howard whispered conspiratorially and started looking around. Amy ducked behind the tall man in front of her, hiding her face behind her hair.

Suddenly, she realized she had lost her appetitie. She backed out of line and rushed off, dumping her empty tray in a bin before scurrying out the door and heading towards her lab. She hoped the guys hadn't seen her.

Tears burned in her throat and she clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms to distract herself from the pain in her chest. He really was over her. He was moving on.

Dr. Ross was wrong. It was truly over.


Later that evening, Amy sat on her couch, staring down at her phone in her hand. Her thumb was hovering over Dave's number in her contacts list.

Her mind was at war with itself. She knew she shouldn't do it. She knew what Dr. Ross would say. But the pain in her heart was so acute, so sharp, and it was egging her on. Telling her to just do it already. Jump off the cliff. Find someone else to occupy her time. She couldn't compete with a beautiful blonde physicist. She was just mousy little Amy, PhD of yucky, squishy stuff.

A lump rose in her throat, but she swallowed it down. She wasn't going to cry any more tears over Sheldon Cooper. She had given him the last five years of her life. She didn't have any more time to lose.

She stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of her couch. She was going to do this. Dave was a good guy. He was nice, funny, smart, and he was attractive. Plus, tall. She liked tall. Tall was good. She tried not to think of how Sheldon's tall frame felt pressed against her as they kissed.

No. No more of that. It was over.

And Dave would eventually stop talking about Sheldon, right? It would become normal, mundane. Ordinary. Yeah. She just had to wait it out.

Okay. Amy nibbled the inside of her cheek. She was going to do this. Yes.

She pressed the call button and lifted the phone to her ear.

"Hi Dave. Uh, it's Amy."


Amy sat awkwardly next to Dave on her living room couch. Dinner had been nice, but Sheldon just kept coming up in their conversation. It was annoying and painful but not Dave's fault this time.

Maybe Bernadette was right and she wasn't ready to have men over to her apartment. She needed to erase all the reminders of Sheldon's existence first.

Amy looked at Dave, noticing his tie. Finally! Something to say.

"That's an interesting tie clip."

Dave smiled. "Oh, thanks. It's, uh, Avogadro's constant. It's useful for calculating the number of atoms in a substance, or causing regret in anyone who asks about it."

Amy chuckled slightly, then leaned forward, reaching for his tie to get a closer look. "No, I, I think it's neat."

Suddenly, Dave's lips were on hers, startling her. "Oh," she gasped and automatically pulled back.

"Sorry. Sorry. No one's ever liked the tie clip before, so I just lost all control."

"No, it, it's okay, and we are on a date." Amy waved her hands, unsure what to do with them. "I'm, I'm just a little nervous." Bernadette's words echoed in her mind. You're inviting him into your home. It's intimate. It's where your underpants live.

Great, now she was thinking about her underpants.

"Well, no need to be nervous with me. I'm just a harmless giant from a foreign land." It's like taking your driver's test in a bus.

Amy smiled. "You know, I'm just being silly. I, I don't know what I'm waiting for." She giggled awkwardly.

She can do this. Intimacy is what she needs. She gulped as they leaned towards each other. Her heart was pounding, but it wasn't in anticipation.

Knock, knock, knock. "Amy?"

Both she and Dave froze, their lips just inches from each other's.

Knock, knock, knock. "Amy?"

Oh, God. Saved by the bell, she thought.

Knock, knock, knock. "Amy?"

"That's Sheldon." She looked apologetically at Dave.

His face lit up. "You're kidding! How's my hair?" He touched his head with both hands.

Amy just barely managed to stop her eyes from rolling, before standing to answer the door. She opened it and her stomach flipped at the sight of her ex. "Sheldon, this, this isn't a good time." She wondered what crazy, harebrained idea he had in his head this time.

"I don't care. Amy, there was a song I couldn't get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you." Confusion filtered across her face. "And like that earworm, I can't get you out of my heart. So, what I'm trying to say is, you're my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind."

Was he saying what she thought he was saying? "Wh-what?"

Dave popped out from behind the door, startling them. "If I may, I believe what he's saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back." Amy's heart leapt as Dave leaned forward to shake Sheldon's hand. "Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don't mind me." Then he disappeared behind the door again.

Sheldon shook his head awkwardly. "I'm, I'm sorry; I didn't realize you were on a date."

"No, it, it's okay. Keep going?" Please keep going, please keep going.

"Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend," Sheldon said.

Everything inside of her sang with joy. "I really want that, too."

Sheldon smiled sweetly at her. "Good. Because I love you."

Amy smiled so wide her nose crinkled. "I love you, too." She was giddy with happiness. Dr. Ross was right! And Sheldon did make the move!

For just a moment, they stared at each other with ecstatic smiles, then Dave popped around the corner again.

"Kiss her, you brilliant fool!" He exclaimed.

Sheldon stepped forward awkwardly, eyes bouncing between Amy and Dave. Then he reached for her, and she was honestly shocked that he was going to kiss her in front of another man. One of his hands gripped her shoulder, while the other slid around her waist as he pulled her tightly to him with gusto. Her hands slid up to curve around the backs of his shoulders as their lips pressed tightly together.

Her insides quaked. God, she had missed this. Missed him. Everything was right in her world again.

Finally.

The kiss was intense, but brief, as he pulled back from her, hands sliding down her arms. She smiled again and twisted awkwardly, unsure what to do about Dave.

Sheldon turned towards the door. "Well, I'll let you get back to your date." Then he tried to walk out.

Amy bent forward, reaching for his wrist. "Get back here."

She yanked him back to her, embracing him as their lips crashed together again. She could feel his knees bending slightly to lower to her level, as she strained on her toes to get closer to him, glad she was wearing heels for once. They were pressed together from lips to knees.

Home. She was home.

She momentarily forgot Dave was even there, until he spoke from behind her. "Okay, then. I'll, uh, see myself out." They both ignored him, their hands moving to continue cradling one another. "Amy, thank you for dinner. Dr. Cooper, pleasure to meet you, sir." Dave walked around them to stand in the doorway. "Uh, if perhaps sometime you have a spare moment, I'd, uh, love to discuss physics, or shoot the breeze, as you Yanks say."

Without breaking away from Sheldon, Amy kicked the door shut in Dave's face. And then they were alone. Thank God.

She didn't want to let Sheldon go, but all of the emotions of the past several months were welling up in her chest. All of the hurt and the pain. The fear. And she knew they needed to talk. Before her brain could decide, a sob ripped from her lips, just as she pulled back from him for air.

He looked down at her, startled by the sound, and her eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Sheldon." Amy leaned forward, burying her face in his chest, one hand clutching his t-shirt at his stomach, and the other wrapped tightly around his waist.

For a moment, his hands fluttered around her, before settling on her neck, his fingers tangling in her hair. "Are you crying?" He whispered.

She nodded against him, unable to speak around the lump in her throat.

He cradled her closer, pressing his lips to the crown of her head. "Why?"

She tightened her grip on him. "I've been so scared," she finally mumbled into his chest, her voice muffled by his shirt. She wondered if he even heard her.

"Scared?" He pulled her back slightly, trying to see her face.

She tilted her face up to his, but closed her eyes as she nodded.

"Scared of what?"

"I thought I ruined everything," she whispered. "I thought we were over for good." She opened her eyes to look at him and felt a tear slide down her cheek. He rubbed it away with his thumb. "You turned me down. And then I heard… I heard about you and Dr. Peterson." She looked away, unable to watch his reaction to this news.

"Dr. Peterson is just a friend."

"But you went on a date with her."

"I did. She asked and I was curious." He shrugged. "But she bored me."

"But you had lunch with her."

"Well, most people bore me. I can still be friends with some of them. Take Leonard, for example. But I wouldn't date someone who didn't challenge me intellectually."

She met his gaze again. "And I do?" She asked quietly.

He grinned. "Of course. You're the smartest person I know… besides myself, that is." He reached up to cup her neck again, his thumbs resting against her jaw. "You know that's why I love you… Because of that sexy brain inside your head."

She smiled a dazzling smile, even as more tears filled her eyes. She leaned in again, burying her face against him and squeezing him tightly around the waist. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"For what?"

"For breaking up with you. For being so stupid."

"You know… I've had a lot of time to think over the last few months. And I've had a lot of help from our friends. I think you did the right thing."

"You do?" She asked in surprise.

He nodded. "Can we sit down?" He started to pull back.

"Don't let go," she nearly whimpered.

He stopped, looking down at her for a moment with furrowed brows. "Alright." He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her to the couch. They plopped down, their sides still pressed tightly together. She kicked off her heels and curled her legs up underneath her, her knees resting against his thigh. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she curled into him with a sigh.

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too." He pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. "As I said, I think you did the right thing. I know I wasn't the best boyfriend. I just wish you would have talked to me before you felt that you needed to take a break."

Amy frowned. "I have to tell you something."

He pulled back slightly, looking down at her. "Okay?"

"I've been going to therapy."

His eyebrows rose. "Oh."

"I've been seeing a psychiatrist named Dr. Charlotte Ross since the week after we broke up."

Sheldon swallowed. She watched his Adam's apple bob up and down. "And… it's been helpful?"

"Actually, yes. I know you think it's hogwash, but I just… I needed someone to talk to that wasn't one of our friends. As you know, all of my friends are also your friends. I needed someone to listen who was impartial. Who didn't know you, who would be on my side, I guess."

"And was she? On your side?"

Amy chuckled softly. "Actually… Not really. She was really good at being neutral and making me see that I wasn't the best girlfriend either."

"But you were—"

"No, Sheldon. I definitely made mistakes. We both did. The biggest one being how terrible we are at communicating."

He stopped, contemplating that for a moment. He tilted his head slightly to the side. "Okay. I can see how that's possible."

She smiled at him and then reached up to cup his cheek tenderly. "You know… I was good about helping you understand social situations and helping you understand how other people felt… But I was really, really bad at helping you understand me."

They searched each other's eyes and she could see that he knew she was right. "I know you have a hard time reading people and that it's difficult for you to discern emotions. But for some reason, I expected you to be able to read me and I would get frustrated when you couldn't." She stroked her thumb across his cheek. "I promise I won't do that anymore," she whispered. "I promise to tell you what I'm thinking and feeling, starting with why I felt the need to take a break from our relationship."

"Okay," he whispered, and she could see the fear in his eyes. She leaned forward and pressed her lips gently against his for a moment, hoping to reassure him.

"I'm not going to attack you." She dropped her hand down to his chest. "Dr. Ross helped me see that I should have helped you more along the way. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have been so frustrated or hurt or… lonely."

"You were lonely?" Sheldon asked sadly.

"A little. But please, let me explain."

He nodded. "Alright."

"Sheldon?"

"Hmm."

"I love you."

He smiled then, reassured. "I love you, too."

Okay, Amy. It's time for those "I" statements, she thought.

"The reason I got upset on our anniversary is because I felt like I wasn't important to you. We were kissing and I wanted you to be thinking about me and our anniversary and instead you asked me about The Flash. That made me feel... rejected," she whispered.

Sheldon sighed. "Amy, there's something you need to know."

He wouldn't meet her gaze and it made her nervous. "Oh... okay." She bit her lower lip as he hesitated.

"Sometimes... when... we're kissing, I have to... think about other things..." He trailed off.

She furrowed her brows in confusion. "Why?" She asked softly.

His cheeks flushed. "Um... to distract myself..."

"What? But why— oh. Ohhh." She brought her fingers to her lips to suppress a girlish giggle. "Sheldon, why didn't you just tell me that?"

"Well, the whole reason I'm thinking about other things in the first place is to hide my… excitement… so why would I just come right out and tell you?"

Her smile faded and she reached over to cup his cheek again, trying to draw his gaze back to hers. "Because I'm… yours. You don't have to be embarrassed about that around me. It's natural, for you to feel that way when we're—"

"Making out like randy teenagers under the school bleachers?" He asked, cutting her off.

She chuckled and dropped her hand down to her lap. "Well… Yeah. That's what couples do." She couldn't believe this was happening. Maybe he wasn't asexual after all.

"I know." He sighed. "I just worry that… I'll lose control before I'm… before I'm ready. To go there. Or that you'll notice and want to do something about it and… it's…"

His words made her heart pound.

"Scary?" She offered.

"Yes." He nodded.

"Sheldon, I promise I won't ever pressure you in the moment. I will always give you the chance to say no or put a stop to things. You know it scares me, too, don't you? We're both… equally unexperienced in that regard. I know I've… said things, in the past, that might seem… Like I'm pressuring you, but honestly I only said those things because I… wanted you to think about it. I knew you would brush me off or ignore me, so I wasn't afraid to say those things. But I probably wouldn't have if you were… actually interested… I would have been too scared. Does that make sense?" Her brows furrowed. She wasn't sure she was explaining things clearly.

"So, you don't want those things?" He asked quietly, his voice confused.

"No, I do. It's… I'm okay going at your pace. I just want you to… know… that I want you that way. If I… If I never said anything about it, you would just think I was okay without it. And… if I never nudged you in that direction, then maybe it never would happen." She winced. "Ugh, I am doing a terrible job of explaining this."

"I think I understand." He reached over to take her hand. "You do want me."

She blushed, dipping her head to look down at their joined hands.

"Yes," she whispered.

"And you wanted me to know, so you reminded me, so I wouldn't forget. Because I don't think about that kind of thing… very often. And you wanted our relationship to move forward, even if it meant going at my pace."

She nodded, glancing up at him from below her lashes. "Basically, yeah."

He smiled warmly at her. "You scared me there for a minute. I thought you didn't want me, just when I started having to think about other things during our make-out sessions."

She laughed softly. "Sorry. We're no good at talking about this stuff, are we?"

He stroked her thumb with his own. "No, we're not."

"But we're going to do better?" She asked softly.

"We are," he promised.

"I need... there's more that I need to tell you... about how I've felt in the past."

He smiled slightly. "I assumed there was. Even I could figure out that The Flash was a catalyst."

"You could?" She asked in surprise.

"Well… I may have had some help from Leonard and Penny."

Amy chuckled. "I'm glad you had them to help you. I feel terrible that I didn't talk to you and… explain things. That's something that Dr. Ross really made me understand. That maybe things would have turned out differently if I had talked to you, instead of expecting you to just understand what was going on inside my head."

He squeezed her hand gently. "Why don't you tell me what else I did wrong?"

"Sheldon. Please don't do that. Dr. Ross explained to me that a relationship is a series of actions and reactions and that we both had negative and positive actions and reactions. We both messed up."

"Maybe so, but I want to know what I did wrong so I can try not to do it again in the future." He paused, looking away from her. "Amy… Losing you was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I don't want to go through that again," he whispered, his voice low and sorrowful.

"Oh, Sheldon." She couldn't help herself, she reached for him, pulling him into a tight hug.

He wrapped his arms securely around her, returning the hug as if he was as desperate as she was. She pressed her forehead against his neck and held on. "I'm sorry I did that to us," she whispered.

"Now I have to ask you to not do that," he said, rubbing his hand gently up and down her back. "Like you said, we are both at fault. And we're going to do better this time around. Maybe it was… necessary… for us to realize how important we are to each other."

She pulled back to look at him in surprise. "That's very perceptive of you, Sheldon."

He shrugged. "I've spent a lot of time thinking these last few months." He paused. "So… lay it out for me. What else is there?"

She sighed and let go of him, moving back to his side. "I want to talk about Mars."

Sheldon nodded. "Okay."

"You don't seem surprised."

"I think… I think I knew I messed that one up at the time it happened. I purposefully kept something from you, even after our friends told me it wasn't a good idea."

"Then why did you?"

He sighed and frowned. "To be honest, I've been trying to figure that out. And… the only thing I can come up with is that I'm just... selfish." He let go of her hand then and flopped back against the couch, unable to look at her. "I wanted to sign up, I didn't think you would like it, so I just didn't tell you and did what I wanted." He frowned. "But I also didn't want to keep a secret from you, so I sprung it on you later." He winced and rubbed a hand over his face. "I've never... I'm not used to feeling this way about myself."

"What way?" Amy murmured.

"Like I don't like the person I am." He glanced over at her, but quickly looked away again. "Amy, you're the most important person in my life. I don't... I don't even want to go to Mars without you. But I'm so used to putting myself first that... it's become a habit. I've never really cared before if people thought I was selfish, but... I care about you and I care what you think." He looked back at her. "All I can do is promise to try and do better in the future. I don't want to put myself ahead of you anymore. But it is a lifelong habit and it will take time to break myself of it. I'm bound to fail from time to time. And I'm also likely to not even realize I'm doing it sometimes."

He reached out for her hand again. "Would you be willing to help show me when I'm being selfish? Can you tell me… Instead of running away again?"

It was everything she had ever wanted to hear from him.

Suddenly, Amy launched herself at Sheldon. Their chests collided with a joint "oomph." She was in his lap, arms wrapped around his shoulders, when she crashed her lips into his. He kissed her back, circling his arms around her waist to hold her to him.

"I'll take that as a yes?" He murmured against her mouth.

She nodded vigorously, then deepened the kiss, her tongue slipping out to brush against his lower lip. He groaned softly and opened his mouth to her exploration. Her hands went to his hair, tilting his head back slightly and gently tugging at the strands there. He squeezed her hips, reveling in the feel of her above him. It was a new angle, new sensations.

His hands slipped back of their own volition, cupping her bottom and pulling her even tighter against him, as he pushed himself up into her.

She moaned when she felt his arousal pressing into her core. So that's what he had been trying to hide from her. No wonder he had to think about other things. She wouldn't have been able to ignore that.

She broke away from him, gasping, and pressed her forehead to his shoulder. His hands loosened on her, but he didn't let her go. She felt puffs of his warm breath against her ear, which sent shivers down her spine. She tilted her head to escape them. She needed to stop or she would get carried away. And she knew this wasn't what they needed right now.

"Good lord, I've missed you," he groaned and cupped the back of her head as he panted.

"Sheldon," she whined and shifted down on his lap. He groaned again. "We have to stop."

"I know," he said, taking a big gulp of air to try and calm himself.

They sat together for a moment, just holding each other and breathing, trying to calm their racing hearts. Finally, Amy felt strong enough to pull away, her legs no longer like jelly. She slid off his lap, back to his side, and shivered at the loss of his warmth.

She blushed. "Sorry. I didn't mean to jump on you like that."

Sheldon chuckled. "It's okay. I think you owe me some date night kisses anyway," he said slyly.

Her eyes widened and she shifted closer to him. "Oh, I do, do I?"

His eyes narrowed at her. "I see that look on your face. That's your kissy face. Don't get any ideas, woman. We need to talk."

"Awww," she whined, sliding back an inch from him with a pout.

He reached out, poking her lower lip softly with his finger. "Later," he murmured.

Her eyes nearly glowed with joy. "Who are you?" She whispered in awe.

"I'm Sheldon 2.0. The better version." His tone grew serious. "I wasn't kidding when I said I don't want to go through this again. I want you to be happy being with me."

"Oh, Sheldon." She looked down at her hands, feeling guilty. What had she done to him? "I was happy, most of the time."

"But not all of the time," he murmured, tilting her chin up with his index finger.

"I... No," she finally said.

"What else?"

She hesitated, then dove right in. It had to be done. "Really, it all started when you left on the train without telling me."

His jaw dropped, and he floundered. "That... that long? You were unhappy for that long?"

"No, Sheldon, I... Things got better... after prom. After we admitted our feelings to each other. That night... was the best night of my life. And I felt so close to you after that for a good while, but then..."

"Mars," he said.

She nodded. "I really felt like I didn't matter to you. That you would make such a big decision like that without consulting me, without considering our future together, or even... wondering how it might make me feel. I was so hurt."

He hung his head. "I think I thought the chance of me actually going was so slim that it really didn't matter." He looked up at her. "But it mattered to you. I'm sorry, Amy."

"When you left on the train without telling me, I was hurt, but I thought that I was part of the problem. Things in your life were changing and then I made the mistake of suggesting we live together. You were upset with me. So it hurt, but I... I got over it, I guess, because I felt like I was part of the cause. But then prom happened and things were going so well and then Mars and suddenly I felt like everything was the same as it always had been, before you left on the train. I felt like an afterthought. And then, on our anniversary, you brought up the commitment issue of a television show and I felt like that was not the commitment issue you should be concerned about."

"I was committed to you, Amy. I am committed to you. But I guess I'm not very good at showing it."

"Well, if you had told me why you were thinking about The Flash, I probably would have understood. And... I just want you to know that it was never my intention to break up with you. I mean, I guess asking for a break means that I was considering it, but I truly just wanted some time to think. If I had been able to think, I might have come to the conclusion that I just needed to tell you what was wrong, tell you how I felt, and we could have fixed it."

"But I didn't give you any time," he said sadly.

"No, you didn't. But I understand now that even though all of those things happened, I never told you how it made me feel. I was scared of pressuring you and having you run off on another train, so I bottled everything up inside of me and... that was just as detrimental to our relationship as the things you did. I never gave you the chance to explain, or make things right. And that was unfair to you. It was unfair to us."

"So I'm sorry, too," she continued. "And I promise to do better, to tell you when something is wrong and give you the chance to fix it. And I hope you'll do the same with me, if I do something wrong," Amy said.

He nodded as he studied her face. "Okay... We'll both do better this time."

"Okay," she nodded resolutely. "I love you," she said again. She had missed telling him.

He smiled. "I love you, too."

"Oh. I forgot, I wanted to ask you something."

"What about?"

"The Relationship Agreement."

"Well, technically, you never gave me a termination notice and we never signed anything, so we never truly broke up." He gave her a cheeky smile.

"Sheldon," she warned.

"Alright. We can draw up a new one and re-sign it," he said, as if it were obvious.

"Actually, I want to talk about that."

"What is there to talk about?"

"Do you really think we need one?" She asked.

He frowned. "Amy," he said with an annoyed tone.

"I know it's important to you, Sheldon. So if you must have one, I can work with that, but… First, I want you to think about it. Do we really need one?"

He sat back against the couch and tapped his fingers against his thighs. "Will you tell me why you don't want one?" He asked softly.

"I just want our relationship to be more organic than that. I don't want to have rules on when I'm allowed to touch you or kiss you or hug you. I want you to take care of me when I'm sick or hurt because you want to. Because you love me."

"But Amy… The agreement helps me to know what's expected of me. Like for date nights, I like having a schedule, knowing when we're going to see each other. I like the rules about holidays and gifts and… The structure is important to me," he murmured.

She reached out and placed her hand over his, curling her fingers around his. "Okay. If it's truly that important to you, then I agree on having one. But Sheldon, I want to make a new one. I want to write it together. I need to know that you will listen to my requests and take me into consideration when creating it. It can't be skewed in your favor anymore. It's not fair. We should be equals in this relationship."

Sheldon swallowed and met her gaze. "Okay. I agree to your terms."

"And I want you to know… that my biggest request is going to be to take out all of the rules about physical intimacy."

"Amy—"

"No, I need you to hear me, Sheldon. If you want to put in a rule about physical affection in public, that's fine. But I don't want there to be rules for when I'm allowed to kiss you or cuddle you outside of that. Sometimes I just need… to be held. Being physical with you makes me feel close to you. Emotionally close. It's comforting to me. And I don't want to worry that if I hug you or kiss you in front of our friends that you will reprimand me."

"Kiss me in front of our friends?" He whined. "Really, Amy?"

"I don't mean I'm going to make out with you. But if we're saying goodbye, maybe we could share a quick peck. Or even a kiss on the cheek. I don't know. I just… I can't live like that anymore, Sheldon." She smiled sadly. "I have been very patient with you when it comes to physical intimacy, even though you like to say I'm not. No one else would wait five years to be at this point. And to be honest, even though sometimes I've gotten impatient, for the most part, I am okay with taking our time. We're different, Sheldon. I'm not like other people, either. I'm okay that we've waited this long for… more. But I can't be limited by rules anymore, not when it comes to this. It's important to me that we can share our love with each other in physical ways, even if that just means holding hands, kissing, hugging, and cuddling."

"Okay," he said.

Her eyebrows shot up. "Okay?"

He smiled. "I love you. I like kissing you and touching you. And if it's that important to you, then it's important to me, too."

Her eyes watered. "Really?"

"Really."

Her tears started to fall. "Dammit," she laughed slightly, swiping at her cheeks, annoyed with herself for crying.

"What?"

"I wasn't expecting that to be so easy. I thought I was going to have to fight harder for you to agree to that." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his again, thanking him silently with her kiss.

Sheldon reached up and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "You're a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler. But you're my vixen."

Amy let out a half chuckle, half sob, and wrapped her arms around his neck. She pressed her cheek against his and just held onto him.

They swayed together for a few moments, before Sheldon pulled back suddenly with a frown on his face. "I just remembered something."

"What?" She asked.

"You said you were lonely."

Amy sighed and shrugged, her arms dropping from around his neck. "Well... it was difficult sometimes. I wanted you to see me... and sometimes it felt like you didn't."

"See you?"

"There were times when you would get so wrapped up in something... your work, or... playing a game with the guys... I mean, there were times we went on dates and you ignored me in favor of writing in a notebook you had brought with you. Just because you were there with me physically, doesn't mean you were there with me mentally or emotionally. That made me feel lonely. And like I said, I was scared to tell you how I felt because I worried you would run off again, so I just... didn't say anything."

Suddenly, Sheldon stood up and began pacing in front of the couch. She looked up at him in shock, surprised by his sudden change in demeanor, especially now, after everything they'd discussed.

"You ran away, too, Amy. It's not fair that when I do it, it's a bad thing, but when you do it, it's because I did something wrong."

Her stomach dropped. "Sheldon—"

He cut her off. "You... you dropped me like it was nothing. It was so easy for you to just walk away. Not get on a train, but leave me. For good. And then just... date other men, like I meant nothing. And not just one man, but three!"

She was suddenly terrified, worried that this was all too much for him and he was going to back out. Panic churned inside of her; she couldn't do this again, she wouldn't survive it. The fear caused her hackles to rise, so instead of remaining calm and collected like Dr. Ross had coached her, her voice rose in volume. "I only went out with them because you said you asked two women out! I turned down Stuart and Barry Kripke. I didn't want to date anyone. But I felt like I had to! If you were going to move on, I needed to as well."

"But I didn't!"

"You went out with the hot, blonde physicist!"

"Only after Thanksgiving, after you told me how many men you'd seen."

"But I asked for you back. You said no."

Suddenly, Sheldon ran out of steam. She literally watched as he deflated. "What are we doing, Amy?" He asked sadly.

No, no, no. Don't do this, she thought.

She reached for his hands. "Please, Sheldon. Please sit with me," she begged with fresh tears in her eyes. She tugged on him, urging him to sit with her.

He did, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

"I'm so sorry." Tears started to stream down her cheeks. "I know I hurt you. I hurt myself, too. I didn't want this. I just want you," she said, pain radiating in her voice. She reached for his face again, trying to pull him back to her. He came, so she leaned her forehead against his. "Please forgive me. I know I messed up."

He shook his head. "No. It's…" He reached up, wrapping his long fingers around her wrists. "It wasn't your fault. It was both of ours. I'm sorry I got angry. I just… You leaving... Hurt so much."

"I know." She pressed her lips desperately to his, her tears making their lips slip against each other. "Please stay."

He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her onto his lap again, as he sat back against the couch. They clung to each other, lips close, stealing slow kisses from each other. "I promise not to leave again," she whispered. "I promise that I will talk to you when things get difficult and tell you what I'm feeling. Just… don't give up on me now."

His arms tightened around her. "I'm not," he whispered. "I'm right here. And I promise to try and not be so selfish and to make you more of a priority. To show you how important you are to me. And... to show you all that in more physical ways."

"And no more running, from either of us," Amy said.

"No more running," he repeated.

Their lips met again, pouring months worth of fear and uncertainty and love into one another. Her hands tangled in his hair and he gripped her hips tightly, holding her close. Then, as suddenly as it came, the anxiety and worry eased, as their kisses softened and became tender. She sank into him, melting against his chest, as his tongue traced her lips. She opened for him, giving herself over to the feelings pouring through her.

"Sheldon," she moaned.

His hands tightened on her waist and she felt a wave of lust rise up over her, threatening to pull her under. Then suddenly, both of their phones chimed simultaneously.

They pulled back from each other, panting for air yet again. He groaned softly, his forehead dropping to her shoulder. She cradled the back of his head, sighing into his ear.

"I bet that's Penny..."

"And Leonard."

With a deep breath, she climbed off his lap and went to get her phone on wobbly legs, as he dug his out of his pocket.

"She wants to know what's going on," Amy said as she read the text.

"Leonard too."

"What do we say?" She asked.

"Let's call them," he suggested. She shrugged and sat next to him, placing her phone on the coffee table.

"Go ahead," she said.

Sheldon dialed Leonard's number. He picked up after the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Put me on speaker phone so Penny can hear, too," Sheldon said and rolled his eyes for Amy's benefit. She smiled widely back at him.

"What's up, Sweetie?" Penny asked.

"Don't you mean 'bestie?'" Amy asked.

"Oh, hey Ames. Sooo... whatcha guys doing?" Penny asked with a teasing lilt to her voice.

"If you must know, you interrupted our third make out session of the evening," Sheldon said dryly, then held the phone away from them as Penny squealed over the line.

"You're back together?"

"Yep," Amy answered happily.

"Good for you," Leonard said and they could hear the smile in his voice.

"Thank God!" Penny exclaimed. "Now, can we please get back to normal?"

Amy laughed. "We're working on it."

"Good. We'll leave you alone now, we just wanted to check on you both."

"Thank you," Sheldon said, surprising them all.

"You're welcome, Sweetie."

"Wait!" Amy exclaimed suddenly. Sheldon looked at her in surprise. "What was your text about?"

"What text?" Sheldon asked.

"Penny texted me. Um… The day after you called me about the Spockumentary. She said there was something I should know, but wouldn't tell me what it was."

Suddenly, Sheldon paled. Amy frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. "Sheldon, are you okay?"

"Oh, that, ha, it's nothing," Penny exclaimed. "Umm, I just knew how much Sheldon missed you and loved you and I thought you should know."

"But that doesn't really make sense—"

"Amy. I'm… I'm not ready to… Talk about it yet," Sheldon murmured quietly.

"Oh." Amy paused. "I… Okay. I'm sorry, I…" She shook her head, confused. What in the world is going on? She wondered.

"I promise I'll tell you. Just not… Not today, okay?" He asked, a hint of begging in his voice.

She stared at him, seeing the panic in his eyes, before she nodded. "Okay. Sure." She reached over and laid her hand over his, squeezing gently. "It's okay, Sheldon. That's fine. Whatever you need."

It made her nervous, knowing he had a secret, but she could see that he wasn't ready to discuss it, so she did her best to let it go.

He blew out a relieved breath, color returning to his cheeks.

"Sheldon—" Penny suddenly said.

"It's fine, Penny. We'll discuss this later," he said, with a tone that brooked no argument.

"Okay, well, we probably ought to get off of here. Let you two get back to… catching up," Penny said quickly.

"Goodnight," Amy said and they all echoed her sentiments. Sheldon hung up the phone and placed his device next to hers on the coffee table.

"Sheldon?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

He smiled nervously. "Yes. I'm fine. Sorry."

"It's okay, really." She smiled softly and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. "You can tell me when you're ready," she whispered.

He closed his eyes. "Thank you," he said softly.

"Sheldon, will you stay? With me, tonight? I just... don't want to be away from you yet," she murmured, ducking her head shyly.

"Okay," he nodded.

"Yeah?" She asked in surprise and relief.

He nodded again. She smiled another dazzling smile at him.

"Thank you."

He squeezed her in a hug. "You don't have to thank me. I'm not ready to be apart from you yet, either."

She giggled happily, then leaned forward to press another kiss to his lips. She couldn't believe this whole evening had happened. What a difference one day could make.


A little while later they lay curled up in the dark in Amy's bed together. Sheldon was spooning her from behind with an arm wrapped around her waist. Her fingers were absently stroking the skin over his knuckles.

She felt so drained, the emotions from the last forty-eight hours were catching up with her. But she was reveling in the feel of Sheldon in her bed with her, snuggled up to her without complaint. She didn't want to miss a moment by falling asleep. She never wanted to leave this space. It was everything she had ever wanted.

Suddenly, she remembered something. "Sheldon, are you still awake?" She whispered.

"Mm-hmm," he murmured sleepily.

"I forgot that I wanted to ask you what the song was? The earworm?"

"Oh. It was 'Darlin' by The Beach Boys. Do you know it?"

"It's familiar, but I don't remember the lyrics."

He squeezed her closer to him. When he spoke, his breath ruffled the hair around her ear. "I couldn't get the tune out of my head for almost three days, but I had no clue what song it was. I thought I was going crazy. I never forget anything. Anyway, it finally came to me in a random conversation with Penny and Leonard. I looked up the song and we listened to it and then Leonard asked if we could get back to work. Then I had the epiphany that led me here."

Amy turned slightly, so she could see his face.

"You couldn't get me out of your heart?"

He nodded and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. "The song was about you. How you made my life better. The lyrics say, "I was living like half a man. Then I couldn't love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life with your love."

Tears filled Amy's eyes. "Oh, Sheldon."

"I'm paraphrasing; the lyrics aren't in that exact order. But I realized that I probably couldn't remember the song because my subconscious was working on figuring out my feelings for you. I knew I still loved you, of course. But I guess my brain needed time to catch up to my heart."

Amy turned the rest of the way in his arms and pressed her lips to his. She could barely kiss him through her tears, but she tried, one hand reaching up to stroke his cheek. She poured her heart and soul into the kiss, hoping to make him feel as special as he had just made her feel.

When she pulled back to look in his eyes, she whispered, "That's the sweetest, most romantic thing you've ever said to me."

"Well, I love you."

"I love you, too," Amy murmured, then rolled back over to be the little spoon again. She wiggled back against him and he scooted closer to her, until they were curled up as before.

Amy sighed happily and decided this was the new best day of her life. As she drifted off to sleep, she realized she could not wait to tell Dr. Ross all about her evening.


End Note: I can't even begin to tell you how many times I read and re-read this chapter, editing things, adding things, removing things. My brain is fried. I think I am finally happy with it. It is really hard for me to keep Sheldon in character. I am a little nervous about all the physical stuff in this chapter, but considering in the episode right after this one, they make love for the first time, I decided to take the chance. Let me know your thoughts!