All three of them slept through the afternoon and into early evening. Harry was honestly beginning to remember what it felt like to be normal again. He ate when he felt like it without worrying whether they would still have enough, showered when the mood took him in real hot water, slept when he was tired and woke up when he was good and ready. He strained to remember if he'd ever had that kind of freedom before. He supposed the closest he'd come was at Hogwarts after exams were done but before going back to the Dursleys' for the summer, but there always seemed to be so much happening at that time of year. All he knew is it was lovely and he could stand to make a habit of it.
"Anyone else want something to eat?" Ron asked, prodding through Dumbledore's refrigerator.
"Do we have any raspberries to go with the chocolate ice cream?" Hermione asked from her spot in front of the fireplace.
"Yup," Ron said, popping the p delightedly. "You want whipped cream with that?"
"Definitely," Hermione said. "I never say no to whipped cream."
"I think I might have some of that as well," Harry said.
"Fine, ice creams all 'round," Ron said, and the sound of generously sized scoops dropping into bowls filled the little house.
They had an unspoken rule that they were not going to discuss anything further about the Horcruxes until tomorrow morning. The locket was currently safe inside Hermione's beaded bag, and their moods had all improved. It was downright magical.
They sat in front of Hermione's bluebell flames burning in the fireplace and ate in contented quiet, the sharp ding of spoons against the ceramic bowls the only sound as the sky darkened through the windows. At last, they were done, full and content, and sat looking at the flames.
"Okay, so we already had a story today, but Harry's the one who asked for it," Ron said. "Do I still get one if I ask, too?"
Hermione laughed, then licked the last of the chocolate ice cream off her spoon before dropping it in her bowl.
"You do indeed," Hermione said. "Any requests?"
"Baconlette," Ron said. "That sounded promising."
"Baconlette?" Hermione asked. "What on earth is Baconlette?"
"That thing you talked about earlier. It was a story, but it wasn't a fairy tale," Ron said, looking confused. "Hang on, maybe it was ham, not bacon."
"Do you mean Hamlet?" Hermione said, snorting in laughter.
"Yeah. I assumed it was about a bloke who raised hogs or a bacon omelet or something," Ron said.
"Not quite. It's a Danish story," Hermione said.
"Great, I like danishes with breakfast anyway. Especially sour cream danish. I could stand to have some ham on the side, though," Ron said, shrugging. "Or bacon. I'm not picky."
"Ronald Bilius Weasley, you know full well that the play is called Hamlet," Hermione said. "And I meant Danish as in from Denmark, not the pastries."
Harry silently agreed that Ron was only pretending, but he knew Ron liked to get a rise out of Hermione. He was happy the two of them were doing something playful for once as opposed to treading on the edge of homicide.
"I suppose I could tell that one," Hermione said, frowning a bit. "It's been a while since I've read it, and even longer since I've seen it, but I can probably give you the general idea. It's not really the same thing, though, without Shakespeare's words. They're wonderful."
"They're completely bonkers, you mean," Ron said. "I've tried reading a bit of his stuff. It sounds like the poshest posh person who ever lived being so poshy he poshes himself to death."
Hermione gave him an icy look of disapproval, but eventually she sighed and took a deep breath.
"Once upon a time," Ron said.
"No, that's not how the play starts."
"Oh," Ron said, crestfallen. "I always like that bit."
"Well, I suppose I could make an exception this once," Hermione said, giving him a small smile. "Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Denmark, there was a castle called Elsinore, and in that castle there lived Prince Hamlet, the only child of the late king, who had the same name and who had only just died."
"Oh," Ron said, looking a bit down. "That's sad. Named after his father, was he?"
"Yes. There's King Hamlet and Prince Hamlet," Hermione explained.
"I think I'll just call him Junior, then," Ron said. "Then again, with Senior gone, that's probably not really accurate."
"Yes, well, he's not quite gone. You see, some of the soldiers who guarded the castle reported to Hamlet's friend Horatio that they had seen the king's ghost walking along the wall of the castle each night, dressed in full armor," Hermione said, doing her best to sound eerie.
"So? He's a ghost," Ron said, shrugging. "It happens."
"Yes," Hermione said, looking just as crestfallen as Ron had about the beginning. "I suppose in the wizarding world it does, but it's less common with Muggles. Most of them don't believe in ghosts, or at least they say they don't even if they do since it's considered a bit silly."
"Yeah, makes it fun for the ghosts to play with them," Ron said, grinning. "There was an old lady ghost named Mahetabel who lived in a cottage just down the road from the Muggle town near the Burrow. I don't know what she used to do when she was alive, but her whole reason for being as a ghost was to drive the Muggles batty. Moving chairs around when no one was home, making floorboards creak out spooky tunes, floating through the walls while wearing the family's linens, that sort of thing."
"They must have been terrified!" Hermione said, appalled.
"Nah, at least not for long. Once they realized she didn't mean any harm, they ended up charging a pound a person for tourists to walk through the place. They made a small fortune that way and retired to a villa in Italy," Ron said. "They still send a card every Christmas."
"Yes, well, that's not what happened to the king," Hermione said. "Horatio saw the ghost himself then ran to tell his friend Hamlet about it."
"How'd he take it?" Ron asked.
"He was more thrilled than frightened," Hermione said. "He was very depressed to begin with because his father had died and then his mother married his uncle."
"She married her own brother?" Ron asked, grimacing.
"No, of course not! She married her dead husband's brother," Hermione said.
"That's not all that much better," Ron said.
"And it was only about a month after he died," Hermione explained. "Hamlet actually says that the leftovers from the funeral were used to cater the wedding."
"Frugal," Harry said. "Weirdly, I think the Dursleys would approve."
"So what happened when Junior became king?" Ron asked.
"He didn't," Hermione said. "The crown went to his uncle instead."
"Wait, shouldn't the prince be the new king? Why did his uncle get it?" Ron asked suspiciously. "That sounds downright fishy, that does."
"Quite," Hermione said. "Anyway, that night, just at midnight, Hamlet went out to the walls of the castle and saw his father's ghost, who told him that he didn't just die. He was really murdered!"
"By the queen, right?" Ron said triumphantly.
"No," Hermione said, giving him an odd look. "The ghost specifically says the queen is innocent. He was killed by his brother, of course."
"It would have made perfect sense if she'd been stepping out on the side to bump off the old fellow and hook up right away with the new one, lure him in by making him king and everything," Ron said sagely. "That's what they do in the soap operas."
"This isn't a soap opera! It's Shakespeare!" Hermione said.
"What's the difference?" Ron asked.
"When Shakespeare does something outlandishly dramatic, it's acceptable because, well, because it just is," Hermione said.
"So, just because?" Ron said. "That's it? That's the big difference?"
"I have the funniest feeling now someday centuries in the future people are going to be going on about the artistic merits of Coronation Street," Harry said. "Aunt Petunia never missed that one."
"Mum listens to The Wistful Witches of Westham every day on the WWN," Ron said. "I swear, if poor Delphinia Watercrystal ever manages to marry that idiot Eudolphus Portenoy without getting amnesia, finding out she has an evil twin, or being kidnapped by rogue centaurs, the whole world will explode."
"Well, that sort of thing doesn't happen in Shakespeare," Hermione said primly, then frowned. "Okay, so there are a lot of identical twins, now that you mention it, but not evil ones. And no centaurs, just some fairies who like causing problems and turning people into half-donkeys. And King Lear has some sort of dementia, but that's not the same thing as amnesia."
"Right," Ron said. "That's completely different. So, the brother killed him."
"Yes, he poisoned him," Hermione said, snapping back to the story.
"That's a bit of a tired way of doing it, but it's still a classic," Ron said, nodding. "What food did he put it in?"
"Nothing. He poured it in in his brother's ear while he was sleeping," Hermione said.
Ron's lip curled in disgust.
"Could you repeat that, please?" Ron asked.
"He poured poison in his brother's ear," Hermione said.
"Oh, that's all! I was thinking you said something else," Ron said.
Hermione looked at him, blinked in realization, then rolled her eyes.
"No, Ronald, he did not pour poison in his brother's rear," Hermione said, burying her head in her hands.
Harry laughed, but then said, "Still, his ear isn't all that much better."
"Yes, it's odd, but that's just the point. No one thought to look at his ears, and everyone just assumed he had died of natural causes from some sort of abrupt disease that gave him scaley skin all over his body," Hermione said. "I mean, really, who thinks of pouring poison in someone's ear?"
"With the other I bet they'd be even less likely to think of it," Ron mumbled to Harry, but his expression had changed.
"It sounds like some sort of potion. I'm betting Snape would know how to brew something like that," Harry said darkly.
"Oh, the Elizabethans were simply mad about poisons, so it wouldn't even have had to be magic," Hermione said. "Still, you're probably right. I would think he knows more than a few lethal combinations."
"So, he was killed by his brother who poured poison in his ear," Ron said. "By the way, what's this fellow's name?
"Claudius."
"Like what the Americans call Father Christmas?" Ron asked, raising his eyebrows.
"No, that's Claus, not Claudius," Hermione said.
"Good. I don't want Father Christmas killing his brother. It's not in the spirit of the holiday," Ron said sagely.
Harry wondered if Hermione's head would have already exploded if they hadn't had a good night's sleep and lots of food. As it was, she looked pretty heavily vexed anyway.
"So what did the ghost do?" Harry prompted her, hoping to get everything back on track and move the image of a homicidal Father Christmas out of his head.
"He told Hamlet to kill his uncle," Hermione said.
"Bit over the top, that," Ron said.
"Apparently Hamlet thought so too, because, even though he swore revenge, he was reluctant to do much of anything about it, since after thinking for a while he wasn't sure whether the ghost was telling the truth," Hermione said.
"Why would he lie about it? He's a ghost. It's not like he's going to get his crown back or something," Ron said. "Of course, he might miss his brother and want some company and that's an easy way to get another ghost in the castle."
"I think Claudius would be more than a little put off by that," Harry said.
"Probably, but you know how brothers are," Ron said.
"Regardless, it isn't that. Hamlet is worried the ghost might be a demon trying to tempt him into murdering an innocent man and getting him damned," Hermione said.
Ron thought about this for a moment, then said, "Okay, it's weird, but it makes sense. So what does he do instead of running off to kill Uncle Usurper?"
"Hamlet decides to stall for time by pretending to be out of his mind, and the only one who knows what he's really doing is Horatio, or at least that's the plan. After a while, no one is sure anymore whether he's really gone mad or not, especially the audience."
"He's definitely under a lot of stress," Ron said sympathetically. "No one really expects their dad to die and their mum to marry their uncle a few weeks later and cheat them out of being king and then their father's ghost to pop up and tell them to commit murder."
"Merlin, he's right, it does sound like a soap opera," Hermione murmured to herself, then shook her head vigorously to clear it.
"And it only gets worse. The father of Hamlet's sort-of girlfriend tells her she's not allowed to see Hamlet anymore."
"For crying out loud, any one of these would be enough to make anyone out of sorts," Ron said. "Junior's having a bad enough time of it. What's his problem with her seeing him?"
"They're on different social levels, so he thinks Hamlet will never marry her and is only interested in seducing her and ruining her chances at having a decent life," Hermione said.
Ron said nothing for a second, then asked, "Is he right?"
"Possibly. It's hard to tell, though we do find out later on that Hamlet's mother was in favor of having her as a daughter-in-law. Regardless, Ophelia, that's the girl's name, is very obedient and agrees to break things off with Hamlet even though it's obvious she doesn't want to," Hermione said.
"More of that patriarchy thing again," Ron said, nodding. "That stuff's everywhere. Kind of like spiders."
"The ubiquity of arachnids and misogyny aside," Hermione said, "Hamlet keeps his friend Horatio in his confidence and decides he wants to test whether or not his uncle really did kill his father."
"Okay, fair enough. It's best to be cautious about these things," Ron said. "So what's he do?"
"He's not sure at first, but then suddenly his college friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern show up," Hermione said.
Harry and Ron looked at each other.
"That seems random," Ron said.
"Not really. The queen and the new king noticed Hamlet was acting odd, so they asked his friends to come to Elsinore to spy on him for them," Hermione said. "Hamlet figures it out immediately, though."
"So what do Rosy Pants and Gills Unfurled do?" Ron asked.
Hermione turned her head so slowly in Ron's direction that Harry briefly thought it was going to keep going and rotate entirely around her neck.
"Rosy Pants… and Gills Unfurled?" she said slowly.
"Something like that, wasn't it?" Ron asked.
"Yes, something like that," Hermione said, sighing. "They tell Hamlet his very favorite acting company is going to come to the castle to put on a show for him."
"That might cheer him up a bit, I guess," Ron said.
"Yes, that's the general idea, but it helps Hamlet come up with a plan. He writes a scene he wants inserted into a play that's going to be performed before the court," Hermione said.
"Which would be?" Harry asked.
"A scene of someone killing a king by pouring poison in his ear."
Ron's mouth dropped open.
"Okay, that's fairly brilliant! If Santa Claus really did kill Senior, then when he sees someone murdering somebody in the same stupid way completely out of the blue, there's no way he's going to be able to hide his reaction," Ron said.
"Precisely Hamlet's thought. You've got it exactly right," Hermione said, smiling.
"That's really very clever," Harry said. "It doesn't answer what he'll do if the king does act guilty though."
"No, it doesn't," Hermione said. "At this point, Ophelia's father, whose name is Polonius, by the way, goes to the king and queen and says he thinks the reason Hamlet has gone mad is he's not allowed to see Ophelia and he's suffering from a broken heart."
"People do act a bit loopy when that happens," Ron said, nodding. "Lav, for example. That one note she sent me after we broke things off was… well, a mite scary, actually."
"A note?" Hermione asked. "What note?"
"Blimey, I guess I never told you about it," Ron said, "only Harry. I forgot that."
"Yeah," Harry said, giving him a warning look as he remembered precisely what was in the note. "It was a little… colorful. That's all."
"Why? What did it say?" Hermione asked.
"You know, the usual," Ron said, shrugging and looking like he wished hadn't said anything. "I was a cad. I'd used her pathetically. She was crying all night in her dormitory."
"Oh," Hermione said, looking surprisingly sympathetic. "That's rather sad."
"That she was planning to set my broom on fire if I didn't get back together with her," Ron said, then added, "during a Quidditch match, while I was on it."
Hermione blinked.
"That's less sad," she said, "and more homicidal."
"There were some bits in there about jinxes and hexes, but I don't think the one that can turn your kneecaps backwards was real," he said.
"Actually, yes, it is," Hermione said, looking alarmed.
Harry gave Ron a warning look to get him to stop listing the rest of the contents of the letter, which had included a veiled threat about Hermione, and thankfully Ron took the hint, grinned, and said, "And that's all! She never bothered me again! I guess she got it out of her system."
Hermione, who Harry knew was no fool, squinted at Ron, but changed the subject.
"In any case, Polonius and Claudius decide to test the idea that Hamlet's real trouble was a broken heart by telling Ophelia to go talk to him, but her father and the king will be standing behind a tapestry and listening to the whole thing," Hermione said.
"So they're spying on them," Harry said. "Fun pair."
"And how does she feel about all this?" Ron asked indignantly. "I'm guessing they don't bother to ask."
"No, they don't," Hermione said, "but she does what they want since, well, it's the king and her father. She doesn't have much of a choice, really."
"What happens?" Harry asked.
"It depends on the director as to whether or not Claudius and Polonius hear the next bit, but Hamlet starts talking to himself about how sad he is and how he hates not being able to make a decision and all the bad things that have happened until finally he says he's thinking of committing suicide," Hermione said. "It's the 'To Be or Not to Be' speech."
"Whoa, okay," Ron said. "That's… grim. He's really in trouble."
"It is. If Claudius and Polonius do hear it, they don't do anything to help him, either," Hermione said. "But Hamlet does say he won't kill himself because he's afraid he might go to hell. Whether that's because of suicide or not fulfilling his promised to his father isn't clear."
"This fellow's got an issue with winding up in hell," Ron said. "All joking aside, though, the poor fellow needs some help."
"I quite agree," Hermione said. "Unfortunately, there wasn't much available in fourteenth century Denmark as far as mental health counseling, and he appears to have hidden the problem from Horatio, who might have helped him somehow."
"This is really sad," Ron said, frowning.
"To be fair, it's a tragedy," Hermione said. "They do tend to be pretty dark."
"What about Ophelia?" Harry asked. "What does she do?"
"She enters just after and tries to return some books to Hamlet," Hermione said. "He starts off quite polite to her, but then he tells her he never gave her any books."
"Did he?" Harry asked.
"Maybe not," Hermione said. "Polonius handed them to her and told her what to do with them, but it's not clear whether Hamlet ever really did give them to her."
"So what's Hamlet do?" Ron asked.
"He starts insulting Ophelia and tells her to go to a nunnery," Hermione said.
"He wants her to become a nun?" Harry asked.
"Well, it can be taken a couple ways," Hermione said. "On one level, he's telling her she shouldn't allow herself to give way to lust, which appears to be a reference to his mother marrying Claudius. On another, a nunnery was also a slang word for a house of prostitution."
"Hold up there!" Ron said, looking outraged. "Now that's just smack out of line!"
"Yeah," Harry said. "Depressed or not, I kind of hope she returned the books by throwing them at his head."
"She doesn't, but as he's suggesting that her honor has been besmirched by her sexual conduct, and as he's the most likely candidate to have participated in that scenario, he really is just being utterly horrid," Hermione said.
"Does her father come out from behind the tapestry and give him what for?" Ron asked.
"What do you think?" Hermione asked.
"I'm going to say… no," he said carefully, weighing his words. "While this whole stupid thing about ownership of his daughter would make it sound like something he owned was worthless, and I can see him getting angry over that, I don't think he'd care enough about Ophelia's feelings to be really upset for her, only for himself, and that wouldn't be enough for him to risk falling out of favor with the prince or the king by confronting him."
Harry stared at him, but Ron just munched on an apple he'd pulled out of his pocket.
"Damn," Harry mumbled quietly. "Well done."
Judging by Hermione's stunned expression, he wasn't the only one impressed.
"You're quite right, of course. He does do nothing," Hermione said. "Honestly, I'm surprised you used Ophelia's real name."
"That kid's had enough bad things happening to her so far without me calling her names on top of it," Ron said. "Besides, it's not such a bad name. At least she isn't named Sausagina or Prosciuttonette or Spareribella or something stupid."
"Spareribella?" Hermione said, then rubbed the bridge of her nose and carried on with true valor. "Claudius tells Polonius he's sending Hamlet to England to get rid of him," Hermione said.
"Good riddance," Ron said, chucking the apple core in the fire. "Of course, then we have to deal with him. Then what?"
"Not long after, the characters go to watch the play that has the ear-poisoning scene inserted in it," Hermione said.
"Now that I'm curious about," Harry said. "What happens?"
"Hamlet acts like an absolute fool as they're watching the play, saying borderline obscene things to Ophelia and insulting people, but when the scene he wrote comes on and Claudius sees the actor poisoning the king in exactly the same way he did, he becomes deathly pale and panics, running from the room," Hermione said.
"Not exactly subtle," Harry said. "He's guilty."
"Oh, definitely, there's no question about it after this," Hermione agreed. "Horatio was watching as well and tells Hamlet that he's certain Claudius killed the king, too."
"This fellow Claudius would be pants at keeping a straight face during chess," Ron said firmly, then added with a grin, "even though I guess he did manage to capture the king."
"True," Hermione said with a grin. "A few minutes later, Polonius tells Hamlet that the queen wants to speak with him, and Hamlet goes off to find her, but not before saying to himself that he will be sure to kill his uncle but leave his mother alive."
"And?" Harry asked, opening another bag of crisps.
"And he has the perfect opportunity to kill Claudius while walking to his mother's chamber, but he doesn't," Hermione said.
"Why not?" Ron asked, sounding deeply offended by Hamlet's reluctance to commit murder.
"He was praying in the chapel," Hermione explained. "Hamlet was worried that if he killed him there, his uncle would go to heaven, and he wants to kill him while he's doing something awful so he'll be damned."
"Okay, now he's just getting picky," Ron said.
"That really could be it," Hermione said. "He's looking for excuses not to do anything. Hamlet's inaction causes a lot of the tragedy that happens after this, and it does go downhill rapidly from here."
"Downhill? How much further down is there to go? Does Hamlet tell his mother to go to a nunnery now?" Ron asked, looking appalled at the thought.
"No, though he does yell at her for her licentious behavior with Claudius. The problem is Polonius is hiding behind yet another tapestry in the queen's bedroom, thinking Hamlet might be dangerous and if he does anything to the queen, Polonius can raise the alarm," Hermione said.
"Either that or he's a nosy old codger who likes hiding behind tapestries," Harry said. "Why am I picturing him as Filch?"
"That does work," Ron said, nodding in approval.
"Hamlet yelling at the queen frightens Polonius, who starts yelling behind the tapestry, so Hamlet pulls out his sword and stabs him right through the fabric," Hermione said.
"Dead?" Ron asked.
"Quite."
"Did he even know who he was killing?" Harry asked.
"Apparently not since he thinks he's managed to kill his uncle at first. Then he finds out it's Ophelia's father—"
"That girl is having a really bad time of it," Ron said sympathetically.
"Yes, she is. So Hamlet tells his mother that Claudius is the one who killed his father," Hermione explained. "It's not really clear whether she believes him or not, but she certainly seems horrified, like it's a new idea and she doesn't want it to be true, but it makes sense. And then the last thing you'd expect happens."
"Claudius begins a career as a circus tightrope walker, Ophelia realizes she's a witch and goes to Hogwarts and lives happily ever after, Hamlet spontaneously combusts, and Horatio turns out to have been the king in disguise all along?" Ron suggested.
"Ehm, no," Hermione said. "The ghost shows up again."
"Oh," Ron said, looking disappointed. "That's not so amazing."
"Well, after that set up anything less than you-Know-Who performing Swan Lake is going to be a letdown," Hermione said.
"Harry?" Ron mumbled. "Tell me I'm not the only one picturing Tommy in a tutu now?"
Harry, haunted by the same image, quietly whispered. "It's pink. With spangles."
Hermione looked at both of them and rolled her eyes, "Fine, now that I've provided nightmare fuels for you for at least nineteen years, let's return to the story. This time only Hamlet can see the ghost, and Gertrude thinks he's gone mad," Hermione said.
"Who's Gertrude?" Ron asked.
"Oh, sorry, that's the queen's name," Hermione said. "I guess I left out that bit."
"As far as names go in this thing, that's surprisingly normal," Ron said. "So, what do they do with Poland Fuss's body?"
Hermione gave him a look that plainly said she didn't believe for a second that he really thought that was his name, then said, "Hamlet rolls him up in the tapestry and carries him out of the room, dumping the body in another spot in the castle."
"Well, at any rate Aunt Petunia would like him," Harry said. "He tidied up after himself."
"Your family has nearly as many issues as Hamlet's," Ron said.
"I don't think Dudley's actually stabbed anyone, though," Harry said, but he wasn't completely certain about it.
"So, in the fourth act—" Hermione said.
"Wait, fourth?" Ron said, looking surprised. "I thought most plays had only two acts."
"Usually, yes, you're right, but all of Shakespeare's plays have five," Hermione said.
"I guess the people got their money's worth, but it seems like a bit much," Ron said.
"I don't think I could concentrate on something for that long," Harry admitted.
"What if it were Quidditch?" Hermione asked.
"Even that has a limit," Ron said, surprising her. "I mean, that can go on for weeks under the right conditions. I'd check in once in a while at that point, but get on with it, mates."
"Fair enough," Hermione said. "As I was saying, in the fourth act, the queen tells Claudius that Hamlet killed Polonius, and his reaction is to say he's going to ship Hamlet off to England before dawn."
"Right, cause that's what you do when someone commits murder," Ron said, grimacing, "well, if they're rich enough."
"And powerful," Hermione pointed out. "The king sends Rosy Pants and Gills Unfurled… I did not just say that."
"You did," Ron said, snickering.
"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern," she said, over enunciating every syllable, "are sent by the king to ask Hamlet where Polonius's body is, and he refuses to tell them anything because he considers them in league with the king."
"Which they are," Harry pointed out.
"Yes," Hermione said. "but it's still a bit cruel the way he treats them. They bring him to the king instead, and they get into a big argument where Hamlet calls Claudius his mother and Claudius tells him he's being shipped to England, but Hamlet does tell them where Polonius's body is before he leaves the room."
"Where was it?" Ron asked.
"In the lobby," Hermione said.
"Of the theatre?" Ron asked, sounding confused.
"The word back then could mean a different part of the castle, but most likely Shakespeare was putting in a bit of a joke for his audience into the bargain," Hermione said. "He does that sort of thing. After everyone else leaves the room, Claudius explains to no one that he's going to send Hamlet to England, but while he's there, he's going to have him executed."
"These people talk to themselves a lot," Ron said.
"It's a little odd, but we're supposed to be hearing their internal thoughts aloud," Hermione said. "It's called a monologue."
"It's called sounding like a nutter," Ron said. "Then again, that seems to be normal in this play."
"You have a point," Hermione said. "As Hamlet is being led off from the castle to take a ship to England, he passes a foreign army that's going through Denmark."
"That's rather odd," Harry said.
"Yes," Hermione said, her voice dripping with foreshadowing. "It is, isn't it. The fellow leading them is Fortinbras. Hamlet asks one of the soldiers what they're doing, and he says they're going to fight over a bit of land that isn't worth it."
"But he doesn't say what land?" Harry asked.
"No, that's left unspecified," Hermione said.
"Okay, wonderful," Ron said. "Is anyone else in the kingdom even noticing there's a great big army marching across?"
"Every once in a while someone in the play says something minor about it, but no, they're all far more interested in their own problems," Hermione said. "So Hamlet gets on the boat, but he mentions he's going to act now."
"I'll believe it when it happens," Ron said, rolling his eyes.
"Meanwhile, back at the castle, Ophelia has gone mad," Hermione said.
"Was this some kind of fad back then?" Ron asked. "Wait, is she really mad or just faking like Hamlet? If he's faking. Which I now doubt."
"No, she really is in a bad way," Hermione said, looking sympathetic. "With everything that's happened, she doesn't know what to do anymore, and she just sort of runs about, singing bits of songs and saying things she shouldn't and playing with flowers. Some productions have her pregnant with Hamlet's child on top of everything else, but I think she's had enough strain to cause a breakdown even without that."
"Poor kid," Ron said, looking glum.
"And her brother, Laertes, comes back when he finds out their father was killed, bringing a mob with him to kill Claudius because he thinks the king murdered Polonius," Hermione said.
"Close, but not quite," Harry said.
"Yes, and then when he sees his sister, he falls apart, and Claudius tells him it's all Hamlet's fault and offers to have a trial to prove he's innocent," Hermione said. "If the jury agrees on Claudius's innocence, he says they can work together to bring Hamlet to justice."
"But he's in England," Harry pointed out.
"And the king's already arranged to have him killed," Ron said.
"Yes, he's mostly just trying to calm Laertes down so he doesn't kill him, but it's also a backup plan, just in case," Hermione said.
"There's a lot going on in this play," Ron said. "Way more than with Delphina and Eudolphus, and that's saying something."
"So, at this point, Hamlet's friend Horatio gets a letter from the prince saying he's been kidnapped by pirates," Hermione said.
"Wait, what?" Ron said, looking like he had whiplash. "Pirates?"
"Yes, pirates."
"That is incredibly random," Ron said.
"Yes, but it's what happened," Hermione said, shrugging.
"Is he dead?" Harry asked.
"Killed by pirates is good," Ron said, nodding his head eagerly.
Hermione quietly murmured, "Wonderful. I'm now Peter Falk."
"What?"
"Never mind. Hamlet also writes that the messenger who's given him this letter has other letters for the king, and he wants Horatio to make sure they're delivered safely," Hermione said.
"Okay, so Horatio has been upgraded to a postman," Harry said.
"You know, I'm not really sure what Horatio does, other than being friends with Hamlet," Hermione said. "He's probably a nobleman's son and doesn't actually have an occupation. Anyway, the messenger shows up as Claudius and Laertes are talking about killing Hamlet, realizing that's going to be a problem because the people really like him."
"They do?" Ron asked, surprised. "Why?"
"I don't know. They just do," Hermione said, shrugging.
"They obviously don't know the bloke too well," Ron said.
"Yes, well, the letter gets delivered, and it turns out Hamlet is back in Denmark already, which is a surprise to Claudius because this whole time he's thought Hamlet is dead," Hermione said. "Now, he comes up with a plan to get Laertes to kill Hamlet."
"Which is?" Harry asked.
"Hamlet and Laertes both like to fence for fun," Hermione said.
"What, like Mundungus?" Ron asked.
"No, not selling stolen goods," Hermione said, rubbing her forehead. "This kind of fencing is fighting with swords, but it's only for sport, and the ends aren't sharp. It's a little like the Dueling Club that Lockhart tried to start up, only for Muggles."
"Now I can't unseen Mundungus with a sword," Ron said, staring off into the distance. "Granted, he's hocking it on the black market, but he still has it."
"As long as it's not the Sword of Gryffindor, who cares," Harry said. "I wish we had that."
"Eh, just another thing to lug around," Ron said, waving his hand airily. "So Hamlet and Laertes do this fencing thing."
"Yes, and the king suggests fixing one of the swords so that the tip is sharp and soaked in a poison that will kill Hamlet with even the slightest scratch," Hermione said.
"That seems kind of dishonest," Ron said, frowning.
"They're murdering him," Harry pointed out. "It's already dishonest."
"Well, yeah," Ron admitted, "but it still makes it worse somehow."
"Also, he's going for poison again, like with his brother," Hermione pointed out. "And it's cheating."
"Okay, so it's an even worse murder," Harry said.
"At that point, Gertrude shows up, very upset, and tells them that Ophelia is dead," she said.
"Oh, come on!" Ron said. "What now? Did Hamlet stab her or something?"
"No, she drowned," Hermione said.
"Drowned?" Ron asked. "Wait, did the pirates drown her?"
"No," Hermione said, staring at him.
"I mean, there are pirates running amok in this play, and pirates are usually near water, and she drowns, so it's a natural question," Ron said defensively.
"She was climbing a tree and the branch she was sitting on broke and fell into a brook, and her dress started soaking up water and pulled her down, and she drowned," Hermione said.
Ron thought about this for a moment.
"That's a stupid way to die," he said. "She was killed by her clothes?"
"Sort of, I suppose," Hermione said.
"Okay, well, Layered Teas is going to be even more upset now that his sister's dead, so he'll probably be fine with using the poisoned sword to kill Hamlet," Ron said.
"Layered… you know what, I'm not even going to mention it," Hermione said, then added, "though now I rather want a cup of Earl Grey mixed with a nice chamomile."
"On it," Harry said, popping up from his spot on the floor and going in the kitchen to put on a kettle.
"You're quite right, of course," he heard Hermione say. "Laertes does say he'll definitely kill Hamlet now. In the next scene, Hamlet and Laertes are walking through a cemetery on their way back to the castle, and Hamlet comes across a pair of gravediggers who are digging a new grave. They toss out a skull in the process."
"Ew," Ron said. "Why?"
"Back then, people used to rent graves sometimes," Hermione said. "After a while, the bodies were taken out and buried somewhere else so the ground could be reused."
"And again, ew," Ron said.
"It turns out the skull had been Yorick, the king's jester, whom Hamlet had known when he was little, and he talks about death for a while as he holds the skull," Hermione said. "That's one of the most popular images of Hamlet, him holding a skull in his hand and staring at it."
"This man has problems," Ron said. "I'm guessing this is going to be Ophelia's grave now that the jester's been evicted?"
"Yes, though Hamlet doesn't know it. He and Horatio hide off to the side, and he notes that the funeral isn't very fancy, which suggests the person committed suicide," Hermione said.
"By drowning in a tree-related clothing saturation incident?" Ron asked, sounding confused. "That doesn't seem like a likely way to off yourself."
"Drowning… in a tree-related… clothing saturation… incident…" Hermione repeated, and Harry quickly returned with the tea before she started going as mad as Ophelia. "What's sad is that's entirely accurate. No, Ronald, that wouldn't be one of the more common ways to commit suicide, but the priest still thinks she might have done it so that she should be buried at a crossroads and have garbage thrown on her, so Laertes gets into a fight with him and actually jumps into her grave."
"I can't blame him. If someone talked about *Ginny like that I'd have a go at them, but it's a bit over the top, hopping into her grave, isn't it?" Ron asked.
"Yes, well, it gets worse, because Hamlet has now figured out it's Ophelia who's dead, and he swears he's always loved her, much more than any brother could, and he jumps into the grave too, and they fight over her," Hermione said.
Ron just blinked.
"I don't have anything to say right now," he said. "My brain just broke."
"I do," Harry said. "The pair of them are bonkers."
"Yes, it is rather melodramatic," Hermione agreed. "The king stops them from fighting and separates them, with Hamlet going back to the castle and Claudius telling Laertes not to worry, that they'll kill Hamlet soon."
"Hamlet's father's ghost has got to be off to the side in this graveyard just shaking his head and wondering what's wrong with these people," Ron said.
"Probably," Hermione said. "So Hamlet tells Horatio that one night on the trip to England, he couldn't sleep, so he opened the letters Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were carrying and found out that Claudius was asking the English authorities to kill him."
"Okay, finding that was a bit of luck," Ron said.
"Yes, so Hamlet destroyed that letter and wrote a new one, telling the authorities to kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstern instead, signing it in the king's name," Hermione said.
"Wait, what?" Ron said.
"Yes, once again, it's over the top, but he considered them traitors," Hermione said. "They do in fact get executed in England."
"Junior's racking up quite the list of victims here," Ron said, "just not the right one."
"Anyway, now that Claudius has tried to murder him, Hamlet feels justified in killing him," Hermione said.
"Of everything he's done, that at least makes a particle of sense," Ron said.
"Just then, a messenger arrives saying Claudius wants Hamlet and Laertes to challenge one another to a fencing match," Hermione said.
"Well, that was fast," Ron said. "Of course, he doesn't go, though."
"No, he agrees to it," Hermione said.
"He… he was just fighting this fellow in a grave a few minutes ago, and now he wants to have a friendly competition with swords?" Ron asked. "What is he? Suicidal?"
"Possibly," Hermione said, shrugging. "Anyway, Horatio tries to talk him out of it, but he goes to the match, apologizes to Laertes for the scene earlier, then gets ready to fence."
"Uh-huh," Harry said. "This is going to end well."
"Now, Claudius pulls aside Laertes and explains that Hamlet is getting a sword with a dull tip while Laertes gets a sharp one, with the poison on it. So if Laertes scores the first hit and scratches Hamlet, the prince will die," Hermione said.
"What if Hamlet wins, though?" Harry asked.
"The king has a cup of wine that he's going to put a pearl in that's been soaked in poison. If Hamlet scores the first point, the king will offer it to him as a prize, saying he needs to sip from the cup to get the pearl," Hermione said.
"This king likes poison way too much," Ron said. "Plus, there are a lot of things that could go wrong here. A lot."
"Yes, and that's just what happens," Hermione said. "Hamlet does score the first point, and Claudius offers him the wine, but Hamlet doesn't take it, saying he'll drink it later."
"I bet Claudius wasn't too happy there," Ron said, grinning.
"I expect not," Hermione said. "Then it gets worse. The queen is thirsty, so she takes a sip of the wine to toast her son's victory."
"Okay, that one I didn't see coming," Ron admitted. "She's poisoned?"
"Yes, but she doesn't know that yet, but Claudius and Laertes both do," Hermione said. "Laertes says he'll still go through with killing Hamlet, but it's against his conscience now."
"Bit late for that," Ron said.
"They go back to fencing, and Laertes does wound Hamlet with the poisoned blade, which makes Hamlet really angry since the sword wasn't supposed to be sharp. They continue fighting, and at some point Hamlet swaps his sword with Laertes's, and Hamlet stabs him with it, not realizing it's poisoned," Hermione said.
"Now it's just a question of who dies first," Ron said.
"Pretty much," Hermione agreed. "Then everything falls apart at once. The queen falls over sick, saying the wine was poisoned, and Laertes says he's been killed through his own treachery, and then Gertrude dies, and Laertes confesses about what Claudius has done and explains to Hamlet that both of them about to die."
"It's like Shakespeare realized everyone in the audience was about to fall asleep and he was running out of time, so he squished everything into three minutes at the end," Ron said.
"A lot does happen very fast," Hermione agreed. "Hamlet reacts by taking the poisoned sword and stabbing Claudius with it, then forcing him to drink the poisoned wine, and the king dies."
"Took him long enough," Ron said.
"Laertes asks Hamlet for forgiveness for killing him, which Hamlet grants, and then Laertes forgives him for killing Polonius, and then Laertes dies," Hermione said.
"Wait, Hamlet got scratched first," Ron said. "Shouldn't he die before Laertes does?"
"Possibly, but it's not clear how fast the poison acts, and maybe Hamlet stabbed him in a worse spot or something," Hermione said.
"Or Shakespeare wanted him to get the last word in," Ron said.
"Or that," Hermione said, nodding.
"Okay, now what?" Harry asked.
"Hamlet asks Horatio to tell his story, and Horatio says he won't because he'd rather die as well," Hermione said.
"Oh, for pity's sake!" Ron said. "Those gravediggers are going to get blistered hands at this rate!"
"Hamlet does convince him to stay alive so that the truth can be known, and then he dies," Hermione said.
"Is that it?" Harry asked.
"Not quite," Hermione said.
"There's nobody left to kill unless they're going to start killing people twice," Ron said.
"No, Fortinbras walks in," Hermione said.
"Wait, now who's this bloke!" Ron yelled. "They're bringing on another set of characters because everybody's dead, and that's just cheating!"
"Fortinbras is a Polish prince. He's the one who was bringing the army through the countryside. So Fortinbras declares himself king of Denmark since he'd invaded the country while no one was paying attention, and says he feels sorry that Hamlet is dead because he seems like he would have made a good king, and that's the end," Hermione said.
"I really should have been expecting that, but I kind of forgot about it," Ron said. "Okay, so, let's tally it up, then. Who died?"
"King Hamlet," Harry said.
"Claudius," Hermione said.
"Laertes," Ron said, keeping track on his fingers.
"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern," Harry said.
"Right, and Ophelia," Ron said.
"Don't forget Laertes," Hermione added.
"Polonius through the tapestry," Harry said.
"Couldn't miss that one," Ron said. "And Hamlet himself, of course. I'm almost out of fingers. That's nine."
"Wait, are we counting Yorick?" Harry asked.
"Nah, he's been dead too long already," Ron said dismissively. "Nine. This thing is lethal."
"Titus Andronicus kills off fourteen characters, so it's not even the most deadly of Shakespeare's plays," Hermione said.
"Okay, so what was the point in all this?" Ron asked. "If Shakespeare was nattering on for this long, there has to be a good reason, right?"
"If a ghost tells you to kill someone, shut up and do it before half of Denmark winds up dead?" Harry suggested.
"Don't let Santa Claus play with poison?" Ron ventured.
"Vengeance is often lethal to the one who lets it consume him," Hermione said.
"Possibly," Ron said, "but that makes too much sense. Personally, I think it's a public service advert designed to keep people from hiding behind tapestries."
"Or that," Hermione said, sipping her tea. "Anyway, you're now acquainted with the Shakespeare's melancholy Dane."
"Rest in peace, Junior," Ron said. "I wonder what his father's ghost said when he showed up. Probably gave him an earful."
Hermione giggled and went back to watching the blue flames in the fireplace, looking a little melancholy herself.
"It's getting late," Harry said, noticing the sky was dark now. "I suppose we'll need to pack up in the morning."
"Yes," Hermione said, "we can make plans then, but for now, we can get another decent night's sleep."
"Looking forward to it," Ron said, rolling over and snuggling into one of the blankets in front of the fire. He was asleep in moments.
Hermione laid down too not long after, but Harry remained awake for a while. When he finally fell asleep, he had an odd dream about Dumbledore's ghost appearing to him and telling him that he hadn't died the way everyone thought and that there was something important he needed to do, but when he awoke in the morning, Harry couldn't seem to remember what it was.
