A/N: KILL ME NOT, FOR THE FIC IS FAR FROM COMING TO AN END! Get your tissues out, though, just saying.

Not betaed.


From Which We'll Rise

Part XII: Our Farewell

Sasuke was ill for a few days. Naruto didn't like seeing him so vulnerable and was constantly worried sick, but while this was an unexpected situation for him – and one he had never gone through – he didn't mind taking care of his best friend. Sasuke slept a lot and barely ate. Considering their lack of comfortable conditions, Naruto's task was hard, but he didn't think it was a hassle at all. All he wanted was for Sasuke to recover as soon as possible, and if he could reduce his discomfort, he wished to do so as best as he possibly could, which was why he didn't mind helping him wash, relieve himself and do his basic necessities, didn't mind cooking for him or cleaning up after him when he threw up. He thought that this was the kind of stuff couples did for each other, was it not? Through sickness and in health, or something like that. He and Sasuke weren't married, and neither were they a couple. They were something that, for now, suited what they had together. With the future awaiting for them, it was no use trying to find labels.

Still, he had strong feelings for Sasuke, so he wanted nothing more than to give him whatever he possibly could, for as long as he possibly could. He wanted them, just the way they were, for as long as they lasted.

After all, he was in no hurry. Of course, the time stalled would've been a million times better if Sasuke had been healthy, but Naruto supposed it was good enough as long as they were together.

As soon as his lover recovered, they made their way to Hoshigakure where Sasuke was decided to speak to its leader, now a sharp eyed man in his fifties with hair and beard in various and magnificent shades of grey. Naruto personally had had no interest in such affairs (even though he probably should), but he was impressed by the way Sasuke handled things and by the amount of political knowledge he seemed to possess in order to expose Konoha's offerings; he was doing more than fine. Later on, at Naruto's questioning, Sasuke would randomly confess that Kakashi sometimes used him to send out message to certain villages of Konoha's desire for alliance and peace. Of course, such treaties needed a thorough exploitation of both villages' interests, and that was something Sasuke was very good at.

The leader offered them stay for as long as they remained in Bear Country, but after only a couple of days filled with boring reunions and sightseeing, Sasuke was ready to go, carrying three scrolls for Kakashi inside his bag with terms, demands and conditions for a stronger alliance.

Naruto wanted to keep traveling with Sasuke for as long as he could, but his friend, while not exactly in a hurry either, seemed unwilling to simply waste time unless he couldn't help it.

Bear country was right next to Fire country, so it wasn't like they'd take forever to get to Konoha.

And so, they were making their way back to the village. And never before did Naruto feel less inclined to 'go home'. He knew that this was supposed to tell him something about his choices, and he was sure that his personal lazy pace often compelled Sasuke to bitterly tease him, and yet, Sasuke never did.

Somehow, the time for jokes and teasing seemed to have come to an end. A lot of things, Naruto thought, seemed to have come to an end, even if their daily lives were still the same; even if they still wanted each other with everything they had. Sasuke had stopped talking about certain things, and Naruto tried to choose his words carefully so as to not unnecessarily sour the already fragile mood between them. It seemed as though they had started walking on thin ice with each other. Still, it was better than nothing. As long as they were together, that was all it mattered.

Naruto realized that the only thing that they couldn't hold back was their longing for each other. Fortunately, sex and intimacy was something Sasuke indulged in whenever the opportunity presented itself. This relieved him.

On their way, Naruto didn't really feel the urge to be with people, and yet, he allowed Sasuke to take him up a mountain he had never seen before and show him a hidden religious community living within an oddly shaped stone temple. He was confused when they set camp nearby where they couldn't be seen rather than going to the community to ask for shelter. Together, for a few quick passing days, they watched the group of people. They wore weird, ancient but colourful clothes and often indulged in strange outdoor rituals in a language neither understood. Sometimes, they walked about naked, women, men, and even children, wearing nothing but necklaces made of stone. They didn't look like primitive people, though. Every day they used living sacrifices – animals – but sometimes, their rituals consisted of dancing and making strange looking artefacts only to break them. Sasuke told him that he had once before observed the group, and that he was genuinely interested in making part of it, to understand the odd culture and which gods (or what entities, exactly) they worshiped. Naruto had to admit that, if it was to go through the experience with Sasuke, he wouldn't mind being involved with the community and their religion, but even if he had eagerly waited for Sasuke to say something so they could spend a while there (and again, delay their return), the suggestion never came. Sasuke took many notes in his notebook, though. Far too soon they were back on the road.

Neither rushed to Konoha, but it wasn't long before they found themselves merely a few hours away. Naruto kept whining that he needed to stop to eat or pee. Sasuke kept being oddly side tracked by a sudden interest in flowers and herbs that he insisted he must add to his notebook. Before they knew it, the sun was setting, bringing about the perfect excuse to set camp for one final night near a small stream. Not that they couldn't easily reach Konoha even in the dark, but neither seemed inclined to, even though they hadn't really had any comfort for a long time. Naruto hunted a chubby rabbit for dinner to go with the dried fruits they still had left in their bags while Sasuke made the fire. The evening was mostly spent in silence. What was there left to say that neither knew already? The mood was heavy and tension filled as they ate. Neither felt the need to speak, because the occasional glances they shared already said enough of what they didn't dare to voice.

After dinner, as Sasuke undressed to wash himself up by the edge of the stream, Naruto couldn't help but go him. Carefully, he wrapped his arms around his naked torso, hugging him before planting an open mouthed kiss on the curve of his neck. He felt Sasuke's heart beating faster, his muscles tensing, his body heating up. Naruto could feel Sasuke's lust escalating quickly, flamed by his own, the strong mutuality working them in a way that was now far too familiar to both of them.

Sasuke's hand grabbed Naruto's arm across his chest and tightened around it. His voice came out a little worked up, but oddly empty. "Let's not do this," was the only thing he said.

Naruto stopped himself in the process of lightly scrapping his teeth on Sasuke's shoulder, surprised. Sasuke had never stopped him before. "You're not the in the mood?" He asked unnecessarily. Of course Sasuke was in the mood, he could feel it in his own body. Sasuke wanted it as much as he always did, as much as Naruto himself did right now. Naruto didn't let him go, but leaned away a bit, so Sasuke could look at him over his shoulder.

"It's not that I'm not in the mood," Sasuke said honestly, looking at him with eyes soft but strangely vacant as well. "I just don't feel like we should do it just because it's the last time. We did it many times already. Doing it now will just be…"

He trailed off, clearly not wanting to say what was on his mind. Naruto could only frown at him, feeling disappointed. He understood where Sasuke was coming from, and he was right. Still, he wanted to do it. Even if it was the last time, even if it was sure to hurt them, he had thought that, to spend their final night together making love would be fitting. Was he wrong in wanting it? In wanting to take and be taken by Sasuke, to, one last time, drown in everything they were, getting drunk in what they would never have again?

Even if it hurt, it had never stopped them, before. It had never stopped them at all.

"Sasuke…"

"No, Naruto."

If Naruto had been a little younger, he would've probably thrown a small tantrum. But he was older now, and he respected Sasuke's feelings above his own whims, regardless of his knowing that Sasuke himself was fighting against his own desires.

Maybe it was all for the best, he thought, talking a deep, but dejected breath. Maybe keep this sort of distance would make it all easier in the end.

Then again, maybe not.

"Can I at least help you wash up?" Naruto muttered, hesitantly, trying not to sound too resentful.

Sasuke eyed his features before pecking his lips gently. "Sure."

000

Morning had come too soon and Naruto hadn't slept a wink. While they hadn't spoken at all through those nightly hours that seemed to end far too soon, Naruto knew Sasuke had been awake, as well – they had remained close to each other, occasionally touching and exchanging silent and meaningful looks in the dark, unable to move away from each other.

His body felt abnormally heavy as they silently gathered their things and got ready to hit the road. Konoha was about an hour away by foot (less if they were running), but neither was in a hurry. In fact, they improvised breakfast just to make time, even though neither was able to eat much of anything at all.

Naruto felt literally sick to his stomach, anguish and anxiety filing his heart, accompanied by the horrible despair of knowing that the dream he had shared with Sasuke during those months was about to come to an end. He couldn't even speak, but thankfully, his friend didn't demand it of him.

Those feelings were probably some of the worst he had ever experienced in his life. It was misery at its best. It felt like something inside of him was dying, as if a part of himself was being ripped out of his body.

He didn't want it.

Maybe he was being overly dramatic. He knew that Sasuke would be entering Konoha with him and spend a few days there before leaving indefinitely again. He knew Sasuke wouldn't be around after that, that they'd only see each other once in a while, but that he'd always be there for him, that this was no definite goodbye.

They were bonded souls. He would always be able to feel Sasuke within himself no matter how far from each other they were.

But he was being parted with something (someone) that gave his existence more meaning than any other. In spite of their ups and downs, his days beside Sasuke had been the happiest of his life so far. He'd miss them and think about them with love and devotion for the rest of his days, he was sure of it.

It was a cold morning, but the bright sun was warm, the sky stupidly blue and clean. It wasn't fair and for a moment, Naruto almost hissed up at it but kept his irritation to himself.

As they made their way through the forest, they walked side by side with agonizingly slow steps. At some point, Naruto's left hand searched for Sasuke's right one, grabbing for it with hesitant fingers, but instead of refusing the action, Sasuke's hand responded and held it back. Their fingers automatically intertwined and Naruto's heartbeat sped up furiously, filling his chest with so many emotions he didn't cry just then simply because they were far too overwhelming.

Sasuke's hand in his was warm and strong, slightly rough but perfectly fitting. Holding hands with someone stoic like Sasuke, another guy, and in such a situation, was definitely strange, but it was a tiny light in the middle of that dark path they seemed to be taking towards the village, and gave them both strength to keep walking. Naruto wished he could feel that firm, confident grip in his forever, silently offering him comfort and reassurance, grounding him firmly like this. He'd always been able to be strong on his own, but he had no idea how he'd manage from now on.

Sasuke didn't speak, and for a long time, didn't even look at him, but Naruto couldn't help but look at his profile as they walked. He had stared at Sasuke so many times during their journey, witnessing his most beautiful expressions, as well as his more disgruntled, aggressive ones. He had seen Sasuke livid with anger, sad, content, contemplative, happy, lost in his own pain, immersed in his own pleasure… all of these expressions Naruto had engraved inside his memory and locked inside his heart. Right now, Sasuke looked nothing but impassive, his face revealing nothing as his eyes stared at the path ahead. Under the sun, those eyes were of a light stormy grey rather than hellishly dark and his hair, pitch black but with obvious hues of blue, swayed gently with the breeze, contrasting heavily with his pale, but healthy skin.

If Naruto didn't feel the violent surge of devastating emotions Sasuke's soul conveyed to him, he would have wondered if his friend felt anything at all. But he knew he did. Sasuke was the most passionate, emotional and devoted human being he had ever met and the most faithful person to his own feelings that Naruto would ever meet.

Naruto was in love with everything that Sasuke was, the good and bad. And he simply couldn't look away.

For many years, he had thought that Sakura had been beautiful. Surely enough, she had become a beautiful, solicited woman. Ino was also one with a striking and sexy beauty. Hinata, herself, was said to be one of the most beautiful women of Konoha, and Naruto could vouch for that, because he had seen everything of her, and surely, she was the kind of girl men would kill to have in every sense.

There was no complexity in Sasuke's looks unless you took the time to observe the details, Naruto considered, and yet, he was absolutely breath-taking. 'Beautiful' or 'handsome' were words that could never make him justice.

And to think that, just a few months previously, all he saw was Sasuke as a person and not his physical form at all. How weird was it, to feel attracted to the person first and then gradually fall in love with their looks? Such a striking beauty was supposed to affect the other person first, right?

But with them, it had always been about the heart, the person, the individual. Their eyes had followed each other even before they themselves were mature enough to understand why they empathised with each other so much.

Now, he didn't want to lose sight of him, ever. He wanted his eyes to see it all, every day.

But…

Noticing he was being watched, Sasuke turned his face to him and quirked his eyebrows upwards in questioning. Naruto could only swallow hard and shake his head from side to side.

You're beautiful, he wanted to tell him. But Sasuke wouldn't appreciate it, least of all now, so he kept his mouth shut.

"We're here," Sasuke said, causing Naruto's stomach to jump unpleasantly. It wasn't possible that they had reached their destination so quickly, but in the distance, among the foliage of the forest, he could definitely see the huge entrance of the city.

No…

He stopped walking abruptly and beside him, Sasuke came to halt as well. Sasuke's hand slid away from his, slowly, and he wanted to grab hold of it, to not let it go, but he found that his strength had left him.

He looked at Sasuke, noticing that his friend was looking at him, his eyes cold and intense but expressive, almost threatening, warning. Naruto was overcome with the desire to reach out for him and wrap his arms around him, one final moment of comfort, one final minute when he could feel Sasuke against him, when he could be enraptured by his familiar scent, when he could feel his lips against his. Just one more time or he wouldn't be able to let go…

But Sasuke felt his desire and took a couple steps back, away from him. "Don't," he said authoritatively, and his voice was firm and cold – a well-trained façade. "There will be no need for us to touch each other."

Naruto felt like his gut had been punched. He hadn't been mad or offended when Sasuke had refused to have one final night of intimacy – he had understood Sasuke's feelings – but now of all times?

"But, Sasuke…" he pleaded, and his voice trembled and his hands shook helplessly without him even understanding why. He felt so out of himself all of a sudden, so lost. This was the end and all he wanted was to be close to Sasuke, that was all he needed. It was a moment he had dreaded, but he had envisioned that he'd at least get to hold his best friend once more, to just…

"Don't do this to us, Naruto," Sasuke said, quickly and sharply, lifting his chin up proudly as if to reinforce his own determination. "This is not goodbye. There is no need for more sentimentalist bullshit."

Naruto knew that. He gritted his teeth; his eyes stung. He knew it, but…

"Turn around," Sasuke demanded, a little softer this time, surprising him.

"What for?" Naruto asked in a shaky whisper. He felt angry, but at the same time, knew that Sasuke's attitude was the best one to take for both their sakes. "You're not sending me back to Konoha by myself, are you?"

"No," Sasuke muttered, frowning a little. "I just want you to walk ahead of me. I'll be right behind you. There's something I need to say to you."

There was something in Sasuke's eyes that stopped the blond from protesting. He thought that, whatever Sasuke had to say could and should be said to his face, but that… that look…

Through their bond, he could feel Sasuke's restless soul, his feelings of dejection, his sadness, his exhaustion, and yet, there was an odd, resigned calm about him that was eerie.

Naruto eyed him with his lips parted, trying to figure out what Sasuke's intentions were. Suddenly, he felt very scared. Not of Sasuke, but because he felt that…

"Please, Naruto."

He couldn't do anything else to against that enticing voice, so he swallowed hard and merely nodded, his heart beating wildly inside his ribcage. This was not how he had envisioned their parting to be.

Offering Sasuke one last, imploring look, he tried to say something but the other man's glare stopped him. Taking a deep breath, he did as he was told, turning his back to him before he slowly started walking ahead of him.

"Don't look back as I talk, and keep walking no matter what," Sasuke said evenly, following behind him with firm steps.

"I want to look at you," Naruto said, frustrated. "Fuck, why are you doing this to me? You're such a bastard, even now…"

"Just do this one last thing for me," Sasuke asked, his tone smooth and polite, almost as if he was sweetly talking to a child. "Promise you'll do as I say."

Naruto could only bite the inside of his cheek, because he was powerless to such a plea. "Fine, I… I promise."

Naruto tried walking as slowly as he could, because Sasuke took his time talking. He could feel his friend's struggle; the onslaught of emotions coming from him that he had become so accustomed to running through his veins as if it were his own.

"I know I said we wouldn't talk about this anymore, but this is the last time I will, because I need to," Sasuke said, after a while, his voice low but clear. And it was sad, too. Sasuke's voice was so sad... Naruto hadn't been prepared for it. "I hate you for doing this to me, Naruto. For choosing Konoha over me, for not entertaining the idea that there are things out there, with me, that would be able to make your dreams come true."

Sasuke's bluntness was like a punch to the gut.

"Sasuke…"

"Shut up," Sasuke interrupted once more, the sudden resentment in which he'd said it making Naruto cringe. "I hate this about you, and it hurts, but I understand that you probably feel the same way about me and my choices, so I respect it. I know I was a bastard for forcing you to want to understand how we felt for each other. I know my anger made things worse for the both of us and brought us to this. But I regret nothing. Not a single thing. Even if being your lover while knowing you wouldn't be with me was one of the most painful things I've ever had to go through."

Biting on his lower lip hard, Naruto felt his eyes watering. Sasuke was right, but he didn't blame him at all. How could he possibly blame him when th man had given him some of the best things in his life? How could he blame him for wanting to be loved, to not be alone with his feelings?

Naruto knew he'd never regret it either, ever.

"I've always been watching you, Naruto, ever since we were kids, longing for you, envying you, feeling sorry for your pain." Just as Naruto was going to speak his mind on the matter, Sasuke's words left him speechless. "Apart from my brother, you are all I care for in this world, and the single person that I can't stand to be without. I'd fall if I had to walk this earth without knowing you were alive somewhere. You know it very well."

What?

Have we felt the same way for each other all along, even back then?

How...?

Nononono...

"I wish we could see this world change together." Sasuke's voice had become a whisper, melodic and pained, cold. "I wish we could work on it, together, side by side. I know we'd never be a normal couple, and I know we'd never be a normal family because we're both men and there are things I can't give you that a woman can. Society isn't kind in these situations, but I don't care about it, and I'd make sure you wouldn't either."

Involuntarily, Naruto's body shook, a mixture of shock and embarrassment joining his broken heart. He clutched at the strap of his satchel viciously.

Why now?

I want to look at you...

I can't take this...

Still, he kept walking, knowing Konoha was closer by the second.

"Don't say these things now," he begged, his voice trembling. "Why are you…"

"We have made our choice." Sasuke heaved a long, deep sigh. "I will always be loyal to you, as a friend, as a Shinobi, and I will be there for you when you become Hokage. If that is your dream, then I want to see it happen. Everything you want, Naruto, everything you dream about, all you long for… I hope you can have it. I want you to. I want you to be happy, no matter how, or with whom."

That was it, Naruto couldn't hold himself back anymore as a sob escaped his chest.

Suddenly, he hated himself, and he hated Sasuke. He hated Konoha, and the world, and all the things in it that did nothing to make their lives easier.

Bu no. He loved it. He loved everything, fortunately or unfortunately, and he loved Sasuke the most. He had always loved him, even when he hadn't loved himself.

If only we had known, even before we ever even became teammates...

Tears streamed down his face and he wiped them with the sleeve of his sweater, feeling weak and feeble, powerless.

"So go be happy, Naruto; as happy as you possibly can," Sasuke proceeded, then cleared his throat, for his voice had become hoarse. "Do everything you can to achieve your goals. Mary Hinata, have children, become the best Shinobi you can, become an icon, a role model, a Hokage that will have no possible comparison. I know you can do it, I always did. I will help you in everything I possibly can. I will always be there for you. Say the word and I'll come for you. To see you happy and accomplished is all I wish for. If you are happy, then that will be enough for me. I won't be happy unless you are. Do you understand this?"

"Yes…" Naruto hiccupped and sniffed loudly. He couldn't see anything anymore, and had no idea how he even had the strength to keep walking. He could tell they were almost at Konha's gates, and they never seemed this frightening or unwelcoming to him until today. "But… but you… Sasuke, you…"

"Don't cry."

"How can you tell me not to cry when I…!"

"I love you." More than the words uttered, it was the way Sasuke uttered them that made Naruto clutch at his chest and release an almost guttural groan. The certainty, the hidden things that those words promised him… Now he understood why Sasuke didn't like such a thing being said half-heartedly, because when Sasuke himself spoke those three simple words, it was as if he could carve their meaning with his voice alone – like a vow, carve it in the grounds beneath them, write it in the sky, blend them with the wind, always everywhere, never to be forgotten, for eternity.

He knew, without understanding how, that Sasuke would never say it again.

"I hate you for leaving me, and I'm sure you feel the same way about me, but we are still us. And no matter what happens in both our lives, this will never change," Sasuke proceeded, dropping his voice to a whisper to keep it in check, even though he knew Naruto could feel his feelings clearly. Right now, Naruto wished he couldn't, because it hurt even worse to witness Sasuke's stoicism. "You are my best friend, my soul brother, the other half of me, and my saviour. I don't think even you understand what this means, but it's fine. We are now, finally, on the same page right now, aren't we?"

Naruto could do nothing but sob pathetically. Before he knew it, they were outside the open gates of Konoha, and they could both hear the lively commotion inside. Naruto had always loved listening to the sound of 'coming home' and yet he resented it right now. He could barely stand the thought of embracing it, because he knew that, for the first time, it would cost him greatly.

He stopped himself, fearing the moment when he'd step foot inside the village. He didn't want to leave Sasuke, even if he knew that the more time he spent in his presence, the more it would torture them both. They were both being tormented by their feelings for each other, and for Sasuke to have wanted to say these things to his back rather than to his face, he had to be in a dark, dark place right now. Naruto knew he was. And knowing Sasuke was feeling this way didn't help him feel better at all. He couldn't stop crying if he tried. He wondered if he ever would.

And I can't do anything to help you…

I want you so much I can't stand it…

"Go home, Naruto," his former lover muttered, "I'll see you around."

He knew Sasuke did things the way he did for a reason. He knew that demanding things from Sasuke at such a moment was selfish, that no matter what he did, nothing could soothe the way they were feeling, if anything, it would only make this moment even harder.

Still, he couldn't help but turn around and quickly close the short distance between them so he could put his arms around Sasuke's neck and hug him as tight as he could. One last time, he thought desperately, just to be close like this. He buried his face in the curve of Sasuke's neck, shakingly inhaling that familiar scent, feeling that warm, firm body against his so he could memorise how perfectly they fit against each other. Like pieces of a puzzle.

Really, he could do nothing but sob pathetically.

"You're everything," he managed to blurt out, hurriedly trying to convey his feelings, to say one last thing before they returned to the past, to a life before they had known each other this way. "And I will never forget us, Sasuke. I'll never forget that we are eternal. Don't forget it either…"

Sasuke shook and tensed in his arms, not daring to hug him back. "Naruto…"

"Someday…" Naruto cut, leaning away to look into Sasuke's eyes with his blurry vision. "No matter how old we are; I swear…"

"Naruto…" Sasuke's voice had dropped, finally, to a low, pleading and pained whisper. Naruto wanted to see him so badly, and yet his vision failed him. "Please… go home."

And it was better this way. It was. Still…

Biting on his lower lip and letting out yet another painful sob, Naruto clutched Sasuke's cloak in his fists for a second as if it would magically give him courage, before roughly letting go and running to Konoha, blind to everything but his own personal devastation.

000

Sasuke looked away as Naruto ran, his teeth buried on his lower lip so hard it was drawing blood, but there was no physical pain in his body that could possibly ever drown the pain he felt inside. He wondered if he'd feel better if he ripped off his own skin. He felt as if his very life had been drained away, forced out of him and stolen by Naruto. The blood trickled down his chin but he didn't even take notice of it.

He wanted to leave. But he couldn't move. He couldn't breathe.

He had lied. Why had he lied? There was no way he'd never be happy with Naruto away from him, no way he'd ever be happy if Naruto were to love someone else for the rest of his life.

But he was selfless like that. He would give Naruto away if that was what his friend wanted. He wouldn't even fight it because he couldn't – it wasn't in his right to. He just wanted Naruto to have everything he wanted, even if these were things Sasuke himself couldn't give him.

He had told Naruto to be happy. He had meant it. But… would it ever be possible?

I lied.

Automatically, he started walking, entering the village, but his legs felt heavy and foreign, as if his body didn't belong to him at all. He didn't know where he was going, because his mind could think of nothing but Naruto. But he understood that he had no strength to carry himself to his small, lonely apartment, so it was probably thanks to some divine entity that he was able to walk (or practically stumble) towards the nearest dark alley he could find, immerse himself in the shadows and lean his side heavily against a wall to support his weight.

He couldn't see anything in front of him. It was as if his very being had entered a state of irreversible shock.

His head hurt. His heart hurt. His lungs hurt. It was an agonizing pain, so he brought his hand to his chest, hissing.

What have we done, Naruto?

Just thinking about how Naruto was going through this as well tore him apart, even if a part of himself felt secretly glad and thought that Naruto deserved it for being naïve. He was so angry at them both, but his pride had already been bruised enough. He was not so weak as to give in. Even if it killed him…

He didn't know what upset him the most – if the fact that Naruto would be away from him, or the fact that he knew Naruto had put himself in a path of glory that would never give him the sort of happiness he wanted; the sort of happiness Sasuke wished he could have.

Sasuke didn't know how he knew this, but he did. He knew it, inside of himself, that he would never be happy away from Naruto, so his friend was supposed to know these things as well, understand that it wasn't just one-sided regardless of their own independent lives. But he was an idealist, and he believed in more than the obvious, so Sasuke couldn't just tell him. There would come a time when he'd see it for himself. And when he did, he would be miserable.

And Sasuke ached knowing this. He didn't want Naruto to suffer. If he could take on Naruto's pain and bear it himself so the blond could be happy, he would. But he couldn't.

I don't want this…

He was assaulted by a sudden urge that was greater and bigger than himself. He recognized as being the same as what had happened to him once before, with Naruto, on the day they had first had sex.

It was one of those times when their bond burdened him and became too much for even him to bear.

His legs gave in and he found himself sliding helplessly until he was kneeling on the floor, covering his mouth with his hand to stifle the horrible sounds that left his chest.

It was worse than before. A million times worse.

There was no telling if these feelings inside him were of loss, anger or utter despair. It seemed so stupid to grieve so much for something like this – something that would never die. He was so angry at Naruto, at himself, at the world.

He thought he had been strong, he thought he had everything under control and that he was resigned, at peace, emotionless.

But this was like a tidal wave, crashing over him and pulling him helplessly along with the current, suffocating him and enveloping him. He was drowning and couldn't pull himself back to the surface.

Tears poured down his face as his breath left him in violent sobs that shook his body without his consent.

Sasuke didn't know how long he spent there, or if anyone had seen him. He cried until there seemed to be nothing left inside of him that was capable of feeling anything anymore.

There was no doubt in his mind that a huge part of him had died in that alley.

000

Naruto had run straight home without telling anyone he was back. He knew that he was supposed to report to Kakashi, that Hinata surely wanted to see him, that his friends had thousands of questions for him and would surely want to throw him a welcome party, but he couldn't bother to even think about these things. All he thought about was how much everything hurt and how hard his heart ached to be in the company of his best friend, and his one and only lover.

For two whole days, he could do nothing but cry, sleep and lie in bed, looking at the ceiling impassively as his mind replayed everything that had happened during those months away from the village. He thought about those things with love, and then longing, sadness and happiness would crash over him and the desire to see Sasuke and feel him beside him became almost unbearable.

As Sasuke had said, they had both chosen this, and now they'd have to face the consequences. Naruto understood this, and he understood that he needed to move on. Even though he now felt empty and lonely and filled with a grief for them so strong it seemed powerful enough to kill him, he knew that they were both strong and that they'd be fine soon enough.

For now, though, Naruto needed this and couldn't do anything else if he tried.

On the third day, Hinata visited him, and while he wanted to ignore his doorbell, he didn't want her to get unnecessarily worried and attract more people to his doorstep. Besides, he'd have to get out of his self-seclusion and get back to work. There were things he needed to do – his future awaited him and he wouldn't let it go to waste when he'd already given up on the most important person in his world. He had no idea if Sasuke was still in Konoha or not, if he was alright or not.

So, Naruto got up and opened the door, only to find her looking anxious and worried but beautiful in her long woollen baby blue dress. She paled as soon as she saw him, but he understood that he probably looked like shit, having neglected himself until now, so he tried smiling at her in a somewhat reassuring way.

"The Hokage told me you had been seen returning with Sasuke-san, but that neither of you had reported to his office yet," she said, worriedly, as Naruto stepped tiredly aside so she could get inside. He didn't miss the way her eyes avidly roamed the apartment, as if looking for something. She looked oddly relieved when she didn't find it, though. "I thought… I was really worried."

Oh. Sasuke had also been missing in action, Naruto thought, a pang of anxiousness hitting him. He hoped Sasuke was alright. Or, well… as alright as he could possibly be. Thinking about how Sasuke was certainly going through the same hell as him made him feel even worse.

"I was sick throughout our journey back, so I headed straight home," Naruto lied, forcing out a weak chuckle. He didn't like lying, especially to someone who didn't deserve it, but what else could he do? He couldn't just tell her the truth. "A cold I think. And my stomach… well, I'm better now. Sorry to have made you come all this way. The house is a mess, too. I'm sorry."

Hinata turned to him, blushing slightly but looking up at him with love in her clear eyes. It made him feel very uncomfortable all of a sudden. "You could've called me and I'd come and take care of you," she said, taking a hesitant step towards him. "You were gone for so long without barely saying a word, and then you return and…"

"I'm sorry," he said again. He felt guilty for making her worry, these were feelings he only had the heart to feel right now, because until now, she had barely crossed his mind. But this wasn't how it was supposed to be, he knew. This was his life now, and she was his girlfriend, oblivious his sins, undeserving of his selfishness. And yet, she asked him no questions, demanded nothing of him. "I really didn't mean to worry you."

Her eyes softened and she nodded. Her hands fidgeted in front of her chest, as if she was unsure of what to do with them. "Can I… can I help you, now?" she asked, and there was a pleading tone to her sweet voice. "I can clean up while you take a shower. I'll cook something for you!" She blushed even more and bowed down ever so slightly – something she often did but that, after everything that had happened between them, he still couldn't comprehend. "Please, just… let me do something for you."

Naruto eyed her with a small smile. He loved her. She was a precious friend, his first girlfriend, his first lover, someone who loved him devotedly and wholeheartedly. She was beautiful and kind and dedicated. She deserved everything. He was thankful for being loved by her like this, even when he had ignored her feelings for so long.

But… while it made him content to see her and knowing she wanted to take care of him… he really hadn't missed her. For months he and Sasuke had been away and he had barely thought of Konoha or Hinata. He had parted ways with Sasuke three days ago and it felt like his longing would kill him. He wanted Sasuke there, offering to help him, taking care of him. He wanted to see Sasuke so badly…

She was no Sasuke. He almost felt like crying again, but knew that he couldn't. These feelings, this pain would eventually numb him and he'd be able to deal with them. Hadn't he been able to handle it when Sasuke first left after the war? This was much worse, but he'd do it. He had to. After all, he had chosen this himself.

"Thank you, Hinata," he muttered hoarsely, reaching out a hand to touch the top of her bowed head gently. He could tell she was tense, hesitant. He had no idea what had brought it on. "It's good to have you here."

She straightened herself up. His words hadn't been useful in relaxing her at all. "Are you…" her eyes looked straight into his, oddly knowing and attentive. "Are you alright?"

For a moment, he wondered if she had seen through him, through his lie. For a moment, it seemed as though she understood what was wrong with him. Her hand reached out for him, to tug at the hem of his t-shirt, as if to offer a bit of… something. It was as if she was trying to convey something to him that neither could really understand. He didn't know what, but he didn't feel like guessing either. So he merely touched her hand on his t-shirt and squeezed it.

"I'm not alright," he admitted in a whisper. "But I will be. I have you."

000

"I don't want to," was what Sasuke had said to Sakura at the gates of Konoha, when she had leaned forward to kiss him goodbye. "I didn't like it the first time."

He didn't even have to take a step back, because she stopped herself at once and leaned back. She didn't look as surprised as he thought she would, but there was a flash of disappointment and hurt in her eyes. How she hadn't seen it coming Sasuke had no idea, since he hadn't even allowed her to touch him during the short time they had spent together in the torturous five days he'd been in Konoha. If he had felt uncomfortable before, now there was a sort of rejection that he could easily associate with revulsion. It wasn't towards Sakura; it wasn't her fault – it was just him that didn't wish to be touched.

"I understand," she said, forcing a smile as she awkwardly pushed her skirt down, blushing furiously, maybe in humiliation, he had no idea. Sasuke eyed her thoughtfully for a while, trying to wrap his mind around his feelings.

Sakura was a gorgeous woman; he could tell as much. She was strong, smart and had a promising career as medic. He was aware that she was solicited, and yet, here she was, crawling at his feet like this when he could barely feel more than a looming ancient affection for the woman he had seen as a family in times when he thought he had no-one.

He didn't understand why was it that he couldn't even begin to find the will to want to love her as more, let alone actively give himself into trying.

Their relationship could barely be called as such as it was. He had agreed to 'give it a try', but no matter how much time he spent in her company, no matter what she did for him, nothing new bloomed, and even now, his desire to try harder had been reduced to nothing. He wanted her to go away, and he himself wanted to be left at peace. But he was a better person now, and he wouldn't hurt her unnecessarily because she didn't deserve it.

He couldn't be with her the way she wanted to, neither did he want to.

Sasuke shouldn't've allowed her to kiss him at all back then. He had indulged her too much. But while back then it made no difference, right now he just couldn't keep trying, aiming for something that clearly wasn't meant to be.

He felt like his life had already been far too unexpectedly filled with lies already. It was useless to live another one at this point.

He didn't even want to talk to her about himself, didn't want to tell her about his past, his thoughts, his ambitions, and had refused to say a single word about his journey with Naruto. He simply didn't want to talk to her about anything personal at all when making small talk was so much easier and less compromising.

"Sakura," he muttered, tilting his head to the side and making her look back up at him. "You understand that we're not a real couple, don't you? That the way we are isn't how two people who are together are supposed to behave like?"

She seemed genuinely surprised at his bluntness and bit hard on her lower lip.

"I know," she said, with a short nod that seemed as frustrated as it was sad. "I know I try too hard and maybe push it too far, too soon. But I understand that maybe you are not ready to be with me yet. Or rather, maybe you are not ready to give yourself to someone yet and let go of your past. I understand it."

Sasuke was almost impressed by the accurate logic. Her eyes seemed to express a level of knowledge he was surprised by, but he wondered exactly how much she knew and about what. The curiosity didn't last long, though – he couldn't care less about what Sakura thought she knew about him.

"Listen…"

"I'll wait!" she said firmly, lifting up her chin resolutely, not letting him say anything more. "It's alright! I will wait for however long you need, I'll wait for you to come home, when you feel like you should." Noticing how she had been a little too enthusiastic, she cleared her throat and forced yet another smile while tucking a strand of pink hair behind her ear. "This is your home, Sasuke-kun. Someday, you'll understand it. And I'll be here when you do."

Sasuke could only stare, his brief awe dissipating to give place to disappointment.

Should he try explaining to her that she deserved more, that the things she dreamt about were things he couldn't give her?

Maybe he didn't know how to express himself properly, or maybe his words lacked the necessary strength, the necessary meaning.

No, she understood what he was telling her because she was smart. But she was also blinded by hope, because she thought he was still trying to find himself, because she thought she was the only woman who was close to him. She understood that Sasuke didn't let a lot of people close, but just the fact that he let her close gave her hope. And this wasn't something Sasuke could manipulate because she thought that he was the one in denial, holding himself back from being loved and loving in return.

Wasn't this such a ridiculous concept? Surely she read a lot of novels. That was not how he operated at all.

Because he had allowed himself to be loved as hard and deeply as any human being could, and he had loved just as intensely back. In fact, that love would consume him forever. No other love could possibly replace it. Maybe he truly was in denial, and maybe he did refuse to be loved by her. What was the point if it didn't give him what he wanted and needed?

There were things about him that she would never understand, and the fact that she didn't even try to angered him. Maybe she thought that staying in her place was better, that this would warm him up to her, that he'd find this respectful. But…

This only showed how little she knew him and how little she understood him.

He didn't even know what he thought about her anymore. He didn't even know what was it that he kept expecting from her. He liked her, she had meaning in his life, but he couldn't understand his feelings for her when he wanted her to be happy and wished her the best, but at the same time didn't feel like having her in his personal space at all.

Maybe what moved him about her was nothing like love at all. Maybe it wasn't even something positive.

As he eyed her, he was assaulted by exhaustion. He needed to leave. He was fighting a lost battle, and no matter what he said, he knew he'd just be slamming his face against the same old wall.

Sakura and he exchanged a long, silent look. He thought about something to say but couldn't find the will to struggle too hard, so he gave up. It wasn't like he had anything else to say to her, anyway. With a single nod of his head, he bid his farewell and turned his back on her, ready to return to his journey to the world, once more, in desperate need for healing, for an internal peace when his soul felt like it was in hell.

After all, that was where his home was.

He hadn't seen Naruto since they had parted ways at the gates of the village, but it was for the best. He had no idea when he'd see him again, but he supposed it was irrelevant.

Kakashi hadn't asked a single question about their journey when Sasuke had come to report to him and give him all the data he had gathered, and yet, there was a very curious, yet knowing expression in the Hokage's visible eye.

Hadn't Kakashi shoved him towards Sakura during the war, basically telling him that he had to take responsibility for her feelings for him? So why look at him as if he knew anything at all, when he knew nothing?

He had never understood anything about him and Naruto, ever. Sasuke knew that, if it came to Kakashi, he'd be dead already. Kakashi himself had tried to kill him – not that Sasuke blamed him – but through it all, the only member of team 7 that had remained faithful to him through it all had been Naruto. And smart-assed Kakashi knew nothing.

This was why Sasuke just wanted to flee from the presence of ignorant people who had nothing to offer. Still, he'd work for Konoha and would protect it as he could, as the system allowed him to, because that was what Itachi had wanted, and because Konoha was Naruto's home.

But it definitely wasn't his.

This was nothing but another beginning, another rebuilding. And if he had been able to start over once, he'd definitely make it again.

For himself, and for Naruto. This was how it was supposed to be.

TBC…


Hono no tenshi: Thank you! I sometimes feel like I waste too much time with details or scenes that could be seen as useless, so that's why I think the chapters might be boring :P In my fics, I always portray Sasuke and Naruto as reversible, I can't imagine t being any other way. What can happen, though, is one bottoming more than the other depending on their emotional state of mind, I suppose. To me, they always have to be on the same level, and I find them both to be very manly and capable of being both dominant and of submitting themselves up. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I didn't take too long to update, did I?

Guest: Thank you, I'm glad you like Sasuke's POV, I love writing it because getting inside Sasuke's mind if fascinating and always ends up surprising me ;)

Guest 2: No, dear, I'm not dead, but my will to update 'Assuming We…' is. I tend to write for the fic that inspires me, and currently, that fic is this one 'From Which We'll Rise'. I have other fics that my readers are dying for me to update as well, but I simply can't force myself to write them if I'm not in the mood because the story will be compromised. So let's just hope I get in the mood from 'Assuming We…' soon, heh?


Well guys, I know this chapter was fast paced and that their journey ended abruptly. But it had to be done, I saw no reason for it to be extended longer since the plot needs to move on. As I said, this story still has a long way to go, so don't panic. There still a lot left to happen, and many things I still need to explore. But the story WILL be moving along fast, with more scenes in each chapter and probably a lot of time skipping.

I do hope that, in spite of the drama, you guys will read it to the very end, because I mean to make it all worth it then. So please, don't get discouraged by me following canon. Through it all, Sasuke and Naruto will always be Sasuke and Naruto :)

As usual, thank you all so much for reading and the constant support!

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