A/N: This chapter will probably be a lot different from what you guys have expected, but to make things clear beforehand, I wanted to wrap up certain things and explore this and that. I needed it for own own relief towards this part of the fic.
Have to tell ya, I love this chapter even though, again (but I know I always say this) nothing important happens. But I love the ending. No, I love it all!
Not betaed for the time being.
Don't forget to read the endnotes!
Enjoy!
From Which We'll Rise
Part XVII: Intensity & Confusion
When Kakashi requested his presence, Naruto should've known nothing good could possibly come out of it. However, out of all the things he had expected to hear from the current Hokage, this was, by far the last of them.
Kakashi's words didn't make sense. Naruto could hear them perfectly, and yet, it was as if his brain had failed to register what was being said to him, so all he could do was stare at his former teacher with wide eyes. Beside him, Sai stood very stiffly, just as speechless, but his stance was a lot more composed.
"... and so, since Sakura's pregnancy seems to be going through several complications because she traveled a long way to find Sasuke to give him the news, she will be staying with him at one of Orochimaru's abandoned hideouts until she gives birth and is ready to come home," Kakashi was saying, holding a letter - from Sakura - in his hand and waving it. "She assured us she has a trusted medic following her and proper medical facilities. All this to say that neither she nor Sasuke will be returning for a while. I have to get word of this out to Tsunade-sama, the council and Sakura's parents. This is all very unexpected and troublesome, but there's nothing we can do now."
Naruto swallowed hard. His mouth tasted of bile.
Sakura was… pregnant? With… Sasuke's child?
He couldn't believe it. It seemed far too crazy to be real, far too atrocious.
"Where are they?" Was all Naruto could blurt out, not even recognizing his own voice.
"The letter doesn't say, and frankly I think it's better this way," Kakashi replied, with a sigh. "There's an Uchiha child on the way. If Sasuke's bloodline limit prevails over Sakura's lineage. It's a very delicate issue and the council will probably either be ecstatic or in panic." Kakashi quirked an eyebrow at Naruto's frozened stance. "Naruto, Sai… you're both part of team 7, so I wanted you both to know before anyone else. But it's exactly because of this that I need you two to help us organize this information and deliver it as it should be done. I will be contacting Yamato as well. We need to stick together so this doesn't get out of hand."
"You mean to say that Sasuke and Sakura will return with their child," Sai said thoughtfully. "Will they get married? I mean, will Sakura-san's image be tarnished because of it? Because she got pregnant before marriage? It's going to be quite the shock for her family."
"I don't know, Sai," Kakashi said, rolling his eyes. "Either way, we need to have things settled down beforehand so Sasuke and Sakura can return safely and have the village ready to receive them and the baby. I will try to contact Sasuke and see if he already has plans. In about seven to ten months, if all goes well, they'll be returning. Sakura will need time to recover from labour before she can travel, so this is just an estimation."
Seven to ten months? Naruto tried to frantically do the math in his head to see if somehow it added to the last time Sasuke had been in Konoha but couldn't seem to make sense of it at all. He couldn't think, couldn't focus, couldn't do math, nothing. His head was a fucking mess. Nothing made sense.
How… why…
It just didn't make sense.
He felt sick to his stomach, a horrible feeling washing over him. More than horrified he was… was he angry? Anxious? Jealous?
It felt horrible. Everything felt completely turned upside down. He was sure he was going to be sick.
Is this how Sasuke felt when I told him Hinata was pregnant?
Now he felt even worse. He couldn't believe Sasuke had to go through this feeling of anguish and of such an overwhelming bitterness that it was disgusting. Naruto felt disgusted at himself and at his own hypocrisy.
He didn't even understand himself. The two people he had loved as family and possible lovers (possible in Sakura's case) had come together and… had sex. Sasuke had told him that nothing had ever happened between him and Sakura and somehow, that had made Naruto feel good and undoubtedly relieved for his own selfish reasons. Even though he had accepted the fact that those two had been 'dating' (after all, Sakura deserved it for never giving up on Sasuke), from the moment that he and Sasuke had become lovers, in his mind, just thinking about it make him boil with uncomfort and jealousy. He hadn't wanted Sasuke to belong to anyone else but him, and yet, he knew he couldn't possibly make such demands. After all, hadn't he married Hinata and was about to become the father of their child?
Still, it wasn't as though Naruto still had romantic feelings for Sakura, but it was as if a part of that love he had felt for her as a kid and a teenager brought forth these unwanted feelings of worry, horror and bitterness.
Had those two really… even though Sasuke had said he had no feelings for Sakura… even though…
He clenched both his fists at his sides and lowered his head, biting down hard on his lower lip.
He wanted to see Sasuke and ask him, he needed to know. He wanted to see Sakura and help her. If she was going through a hard time, then he should be there for her; team 7 should be together. They were family. No matter what, they had to stick together and be there for each other. If there was a single time when things could be fixed, when the three of them should be together and support each other, this was it.
If there was a time to rewind and go back to what they were as kids, then this was it and Naruto felt like he wanted to grab it with everything he had.
He had lost them both. Team 7 had been reunited and yet had fallen apart, unexpectedly, in spite of everything.
If only he could reverse everything and know what he knew today, he would've done everything differently - he would've definitely kept them and not let either of them go. And maybe, just maybe this baby could've been...
Fuck, he needed to be there for them. He wanted to. They were his precious comrades, his precious friends, the two people he had been so sure he had wanted to be with for the rest of his life, in one way or the other.
"Naruto." Kakashi's voice calling out to him was firm, making him flinch slightly in awareness, but he didn't look up. He could feel Sai's eyes on him, too. The atmosphere had gotten colder and more solemn. "I know what you're thinking and I know how you feel. But Sakura will have to be forcefully put out of shinobi duty unexpectedly, and this will already delay her career progress as such, and as a medic for indefinite time. Worst of all, she's away from the village. Sasuke's absence is already a given due to his status and his already assigned position outside, so it doesn't make a difference. He'll be there for her, as he should, and it'll be fine."
Naruto could only grit his teeth and close his eyes tight. Kakashi didn't understand. He didn't understand how he felt at all, and he didn't understand that this wasn't just about Sakura.
"I…"
"Your status is already high in the eyes of the shinobi world," Kakashi interrupted. "I know you will become Hokage at some point, but there is still too much you need to learn, Naruto, I've told you this several times already but you don't seem to get it. Learning how to prioritize things and detach yourself are just a few examples of how far you are from being what you need to be."
"You don't understand; I have to go see them!" Naruto yelled suddenly, looking up at Kakashi in desperation. "They need me! As their comrade, I need to be there for them at this point, I need to do whatever I can! I have to…"
"You can't," Kakashi snapped cooly, effectively silencing Naruto. "I'm sorry, Naruto, but you can't always simply act as you see fit and do whatever you feel like doing just because of your own selfish reasons. I understand that you're driven by your emotions and that your friends and your team are important to you. But you have a wife who also happens to be very pregnant, and you have a job working for this village."
Seeing as Naruto seemed to have no words to refute the facts, Kakashi sighed in clear annoyance and put down Sakura's letter. "Isn't Sasuke your best friend and the person you've been trusting more than anyone else in your life?"
Naruto swallowed hard, guilt and frustration running through him. "You know he is."
"Then trust him to take care of Sakura and get their family back to Konoha safely," Kakashi said, his voice softening a little. "No matter how much the council favours you right now, I can't cover for you all the time just because you feel like acting impulsively. If you want to become Hokage, you need to stop being driven by your immediate feelings and you need to organize your life and the things you must do right now. Things aren't the way they used to be anymore, Naruto, and you already should know that better than anyone else."
Sasuke was always telling him this, so it wasn't like Kakashi's words sounded wise or struck a chord inside of Naruto.
After a while, Kakashi added. "You have made your choices and you have taken your own path. Don't you think it's time you let Sasuke and Sakura do the same?"
His eyes unblinking, Naruto stared at Kakashi, frozen, suddenly feeling like he was being crushed and discarded. He felt like he had no place to turn to while the very floor he stood on was crumbling under his feet. Like falling off the edge of a cliff, going down in seconds that felt like a lifetime, waiting for death but fearing it with his very being.
Kakashi was right, he knew. It wasn't his place, and he had things to take care of, his own family, his village, his work. He knew he couldn't always behave this selfishly just because he desperately still clung to that past that had been so precious to him - the past he wanted desperately to bring back but didn't know how to.
Sasuke had warned him. Life was made of choices, and once they were made, there was no going back and no way to simply cheat and take detours. More and more, several doors were being closed behind him while others were waiting to be opened. He couldn't have it all.
Those doors weren't exclusively his to use.
But still, Kakashi didn't understand Naruto at all. He was right in everything he said, but things were never that simple inside Naruto's heart. That was not how he dealt with things.
But he had to, didn't he? He had chosen his path, he had no right to want to interfere with Sasuke's and Sakura's.
But he wanted to. Not moving was overwhelmingly difficult.
A hand fell on Naruto's shoulder - Sai's. "Let's do the best we can here in Konoha," he said, his gentle tone barely a whisper. "There's a lot to be done and things will be complicated for a while. As team 7 members, Sasuke and Sakura-san can only rely on us to make sure everything goes in their favor. That's our job here, so let's do our best, okay?"
Naruto couldn't even reply to him. There was nothing he could say and nothing he could do.
Family, huh?
That's right… everything's different now.
Without another word, he turned around and stormed out of the office.
000
Misato and her family had immediately taken Katsuo in, and the villagers, while a little freaked out by him, had been curious and felt sorry for him. As soon as Sasuke had explained the boy's situation, everyone had wanted to help and interact with him, and even the other children seemed torn between fear and fascination. Truth was, during that week and a half that Sasuke had left him there to tend to Karin's 'problem' and the hideout, Katsuo had gained weight and improved his physical strength considerably, even if everything else was still the same. Nevertheless, Sasuke was happy. It had been a small flicker of joy to lighten up all the disorder that seemed to have stormed into his life.
In all honesty, Sasuke didn't feel much of anything in regards to Karin's pregnancy apart from a strong feeling of frustration. It was as though it wasn't even real. It didn't feel real, either. He had been shocked and confused by the unexpected turn of events, but other than that it just…
It was a hassle, as simple as that. He had long since decided that he'd be the last Uchiha alive and had come to terms with himself about how he, for sure, would never have kids of his own blood. He had been fine with this since he'd had no intention of getting married in the first place, or follow a 'normal' life like Naruto had. Never in a million years did he ever expect to be on the same boat, forced to follow the same routines, one way or the other, in order to establish some semblance of peace.
This child, even being an Uzumaki and an Uchiha (and his and of someone he deeply cherished) was not welcomed, and while it was a cruel way of thinking, it was the truth. If he had done things his own way, Karin would've gotten rid of it, but he had understood her feelings, and in a weird way, had sort of empathized. This being said, he had tried to accommodate by accepting Sakura's proposal. It was useful, but also very troublesome. Now Sasuke was going to have to build some make-believe situation he had never wanted in the first place.
But he was to blame, so it wasn't like he felt that he had the right to feel any sort of anger towards it. He just didn't feel any emotional attachment to the situation at all, he was simply doing what he should do, for Karin, as a man and as a friend.
It didn't change the fact that he watched these events unfolding as if through the eyes of someone else. He couldn't even be happy that he was going to become a father - this was just something to disturb the balance of the path he wanted to lead. It was damned annoying, the whole thing was completely unwanted.
It bothered him that he couldn't feel anything but annoyance. He was a sort of father to Katsuo, and it didn't feel anything similar to this. Katsuo wasn't a burden to him, but everything about this upcoming child was, from its oncoming existence to his forced 'joining' with Sakura. Of course he and Karin were grateful to her, but it didn't mean that it wasn't inconvenient and that he wasn't aware that Sakura would try to use this to her advantage.
Sasuke didn't want any of it at all, but he had to take responsibility for his own mistakes. That certainly served to teach him to not get involved with women ever again.
Sasuke thought that he understood Naruto's feelings towards Hinata's pregnancy. News had travelled towards Konoha, and by now, everyone should already be aware of the big lie Sasuke and Sakura had thrown.
What really bothered him was what Naruto was thinking about all of this and why the blond hadn't written to demand answers yet. It had been a while since Sakura had sent that letter to Kakashi and still, Naruto hadn't manifested himself at all.
Not having a feedback from his best friend make Sasuke feel uneasy, yet, at the same time, he understood that this was sure to have been a shock to Naruto and that he was probably very angry and confused at this point. Sasuke couldn't even imagine how things would go once they met face to face.
He knew Naruto was probably very angry. Either that or dealing with such a thing was too much for him to handle and he had chosen to stay away from it all.
But Sasuke knew Naruto had ached to come to him and Sakura, but had understood that it wasn't his place to intervene. Sasuke didn't know if this made him feel relief or emptiness.
Sometimes Sasuke felt lost, too, and this was one of those times. He wanted to go to Naruto and reach out to him, find some strength, find where he belonged and get back to that path he had assigned for himself. Things around him just kept sidetracking him, but he'd let nothing stop him.
Usually, all he had to do was look up at that light that was Naruto. Right now, that was all he wanted to do, and the only thing he couldn't do. Katsuo, Karin, Itachi… he wanted to tell Naruto all about it but he couldn't. He would ruin everything they had struggled for during these last few months.
He had to do this alone. He had fucked up. Now he had to get himself out of this pile of shit and pull himself together, by himself.
One step at the time, Sasuke thought. He had to stay focused. For now, Karin and Sakura were taken care of - it was Katsu that needed attention, as well as all the affairs related to Itachi.
But now… he was headed for Suna. He needed to be somewhere else and get back the things he had before everything was turned upside down. He wanted to be with Gaara, and wanted to spend time with Katsu.
He had wanted Katsu to go to Suna with him so they could be together and to help the child gain endurance, but after that, Katsuo would be returning to the village, where Misato as well as little Katsu's new friends would be eagerly waiting with open open arms. If there was a place where Katsuo was sure to be happy and where he could evolve at his own pace, that village was it.
Sasuke could tell Katsu felt at ease there, surrounded by nature and simplicity, and being pushed slowly towards his own growth without too much strain. Sasuke couldn't wait to have things settled once and for all so he could start planning Katsuo's future and… the future of other things he had been thinking about lately.
All in its due time. It would be alright.
Now, he just needed some peace of mind.
000
Gaara would lie if he said that he hadn't been surprised to see Sasuke at his doorstep with a small, ethereal looking child attached to him by the hand. The two had arrived in the middle of the night, as had become habit - not that it upset Gaara in any way, and this time, Sasuke's motivation was to keep the child's existence as concealed as possible, thus the late hour. It wasn't like the fact that Sasuke had adopted Katsuo was a secret in any way, but it wasn't something that the man considered to be anybody's business but his own and Gaara respected that. Plus, Sasuke feared for the boy's safety, not to mention that Katsuo's true nature was still a mystery even to him. It was not surprising considering he was an experiment of Orochimaru's - from the little Gaara had heard from Sasuke himself.
It wasn't as though the Kazekage hadn't expected Sasuke to have this sort of initiative. Many times had the two of them talked about future ambitions, and taking in people without homes was one of the things Sasuke dreamt of. This poor, ghostly child who didn't even look like a regular human being surely had captivated Sasuke's interest for one reason or the other.
Gaara had listened to the tale of how they had met, and it almost sounded crazy how impulsively Sasuke had made the decision to keep the boy. One would almost say that it had been an action driven by a need to fill a certain empty hole, but upon watching Sasuke and Katsuo interact, somehow, everything seemed to click spectacularly.
Gaara leaned over on his armchair, supporting his elbows on his knees and linking the fingers of both hands together as he watched the two figures interacting on the bed. Sasuke was sitting with his back against the head of the bed and Katsuo was sitting between his spread legs, with his back pressed to Sasuke's chest. The boy had his legs crossed, and over his lap, a large book was open. It was an illustrated one about some old shinobi legend that Sasuke had gotten him from a local bookstore. Sasuke was reading it to Katsuo in a low voice, patiently stopping once in a while to point at the images in the book to offer a few explanations. Katsuo seemed positively fascinated by them, his blank eyes wide and tiny mouth slightly open. Sometimes, he would nod to let Sasuke know he understood him, or make small noises that sounded almost delighted in a grotesque way that would've made Gaara flinch if the scene hadn't been intimate to the point of being endearing.
It was clear to him that Katsuo was a very clever boy for his apparent age. Maybe it was the fact that he was an artificial creation rather than a regular human being, but either way, even if he didn't talk and was, according to Sasuke, having a hard time associating expressions with feelings (or understanding feelings at all), the boy was definitely smart and was becoming stronger and more independent at a quick pace. Sasuke seemed to be very pleased indeed.
In all honesty, Gaara found the boy's appearance to be something rather disturbing, but mostly, it was his apparent difficulty to show emotions properly that upset him the most- Sometimes, when he wasn't moving, he seemed like a very refined, but poorly dressed doll. There was an odd androgynous beauty about him that was haunting. In a way, Gaara could understand why Sasuke's heart had reached out towards the boy. Even so, according to him, Katsuo was in a much better shape now than he had been at the start.
Either way, Sasuke still seemed unnaturally preoccupied with the boy, and it was clear that he genuinely cared about him, his development and his well-being. Gaara could clearly see it in the tiny smiles Sasuke offered the child, and the gentle way he looked at him. Still, while he took care of Katsuo's every need, he didn't treat him as a child nor babied him. It was clear that wanted him to become strong and make progress.
However, as pleasant and endearing as the scene in front of him was, Gaara could sense that something was off about his friend, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He supposed maybe Sasuke was waiting for the right time to tell him, just as Gaara himself was waiting for the right time to give Sasuke back some unfortunate news.
Somehow, they had shared looks upon seeing each other and instantly known that this meeting would be different from their previous ones.
It was the end of the day and the sunset was filtering through the window of his chambers. Gaara had been able to leave work a little before dinner time, but he knew that the night would be hellish with all the paperwork he had yet to take care of. However, Sasuke was only dropping by for a few days, and Gaara had needed the indulgence of being in his presence, plus, it gave him immense pleasure seeing Sasuke in his room, especially when he seemed so at home and relaxed.
A knock on the door could be heard, making both Katsuo and Sasuke look up from the book.
"Yes," Gaara gave his permission in a bland, but firm tone. The door creaked open and the three occupants of the room turned their heads to see Temari peaking inside.
"Sasuke, I found a few clothes that used to be Gaara's that I'm almost sure will fit little Katsu," she said, smiling gently while looking at the child. "Do you think I could take him with me for a few minutes so he can try them on?"
"Of course," Sasuke said with a nod, placing his hand on top of Katsuo's head. "Thank you for your help, Temari, I'm really grateful. I still don't have a lot of things fit for a child at this point."
"It's alright; we still have a bunch of stuff from when we were kids, and it's not like we're wearing them anyway," Temari replied, with a smirk. "I think we still have a few toys, too."
"He can choose a few of those, but don't overdo it because I can't really afford to carry around useless stuff with me," Sasuke said, running his fingers through Katsuo's rebellious hair while the child simply watched Temari with a blank stare. "But I'm not sure he even knows what toys are."
"Oh, he'll learn soon enough," Temari assured, with a good-humoured laugh. She extended her hand. "Come on Katsu-chan. We're going to have some fun together, heh?"
The boy tensed visibly and immediately looked over his shoulder up at Sasuke, who smiled down at him. "It's fine, Temari will take good care of you. I'll see you in a bit, okay?" Sasuke reassured. He gave the boy's back a small shove. "Go on."
The boy eyed Sasuke without moving for a few seconds before turning away, carefully closing the book and setting it aside. On his own, but with slightly wobbly and awkward movements, he descended from the bed and made his way towards Temari. He took her hand, but still looked over his shoulder at Sasuke, who shooed him out with a gesture of his hand. Tilting his head to the side, Katsuo raised his own tiny, pale hand, and waved him goodbye.
Gaara had the stupid impulse to wave at the child as well, so he did, and in response, Katsuo turned his gaze to him and waved at him, too. It was cute in a very awkward way that Gaara wasn't used to.
"I'll call you guys when dinner's ready," Temari laughed before pulling Katsuo along and securely closing the door firmly behind them, leaving Sasuke and Gaara by themselves.
Temari sure had known what to do to make it happen as per Gaara's request, and he was very pleased s have some time alone with Sasuke indeed.
"Well, Katsuo seems to be fond of you," Gaara commented simply, as Sasuke straightened his back and crossed his legs at his ankles. He looked terribly young, wearing just a white t-shirt and a pair of cream loose pants.
"Yeah, it's a relief, I suppose," Sasuke said, with a sigh, rolling his shoulders tiredly. "He's a handful. I mean, thankfully, he's very obedient and calm, but he's still a child and his physical condition is still very fragile even though he's so much stronger than he was even a week ago."
"Traveling with a child must be extenuating," Gaara said, leaning back on his armchair, his gaze fixed upon Sasuke's form.
"It is, but… I don't know, even if it's a lot of work, I like it," Sasuke admitted, with a small shrug. "It's great seeing him progressing from day to day. In a way, even though it's easier having him being quiet and docile, I really want to see him running and being active like other children are."
"You sound like a real parent," Gaara teased, but making sure his tone was careful and gentle.
Sasuke actually smirked at him, but something changed in his features as an unfamiliar darkness flickered over his eyes. "I guess you could say that."
He and Gaara eyed each other for a few silent seconds during which the Kazekage felt his muscles clench. Sasuke's gaze had always been very firm and intense, and it was a pleasure to have it so attentively focused on him.
"I didn't think Temari was the type to like children, though," Sasuke commented, after a while.
"Well, it may not seem like it, but she always wanted her own family," Gaara confessed, conversationally. " She's getting married in a couple of months, did you know?"
"Nara Shikamaru?" Sasuke asked, perceptively.
"Yes. A small ceremony as I've been told. She'll be moving to Konoha permanently."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Sasuke's eyes turned curious. "I suppose letting go of your sister and one of your trusted advisors can't be easy."
Gaara couldn't help but smile, feeling morose. "It is sad for me, but it's her own life and her own choice," he muttered, sincerely. "I only want her to be happy, and I wish her all the best."
"Shikamaru is a good man," Sasuke replied, leaning his head back against the bed's headboard, but his eyes never leaving Gaara. "She's in good hands, I'm sure."
"I know." The corner of Gaara's mouth quirked upwards further. "Not that she needs anyone to take care of her, of course.
With a small snort, Sasuke nodded his agreement.
Silence fell between them once more, filled with the strange sort of tension of unsaid things hanging in the air, but it wasn't the uncomfortable kind at all. In fact, Gaara felt an almost sadistic joy in knowing that he was probably one of the few people who would always feel comfortable sitting in companionable silence with Uchiha Sasuke.
"Hey, Gaara," Sasuke muttered softly, his voice an innocent, but alluring calling. "Come sit with me."
There was no way Gaara could not accept such a request when he had been wanting to share a bit of proximity since Sasuke had gotten there. It wasn't like he was in any way upset by Katsuo's presence, but considering he was a busy man, every minute with one of his favorite guests was precious.
Slowly, Gaara got up and made his way to the bed, sitting on the edge of it next to Sasuke's thigh. He twisted his body just enough so they were more or less facing each other.
"There's something you're not telling me," Sasuke noted seriously, once more with that acute perceptiveness that seemed superior to that of other human beings. Gaara thought that he was good at masking his own thoughts, but of course Sasuke's senses would be sharper, after all, they had come to know each other rather well.
Tensing slightly, Gaara allowed himself to heave a small sigh. "You don't let anything slide, do you?"
"Not when it concerns people who matter," was Sasuke's response. Gaara's eyes narrowed. It wasn't fair that the man had to be honest at such a time. It wasn't fair that they'd be open about things right now.
"The council is pressuring me to get married," Gaara confessed, blandly. Sasuke's eyebrows rose a bit. "They say I'm already old enough and I should form an alliance with a strong affiliated village. They think that, considering I used to be a threat, getting myself a family will give me even more credit as Kazekage and, I quote, 'bring me closer to the people'."
"You don't sound very excited about the prospect," Sasuke noted, studying Gaara attentively.
"No-one likes the prospect of marrying for political reasons and, to be very honest, the concept of 'marriage' never even crossed my mind."
"Do you have any suitors already?"
"Yes, but I lack the time to meet them you see." Gaara threw Sasuke a mischievous smile that made the other man roll his eyes. "I don't want to think about it until I absolutely must, Sasuke. I know there are duties to being Kazekage. I am aware that my life stops being my own to belong to this village and its people."
"But sacrificing your happiness for that is not something I personally find righteous, not even for a leader," Sasuke said, frowning in indication of how much the thought angered him. Gaara immediately understood the association to a certain blond individual. "This is exactly one of the many issues with main villages. I don't understand the logic. You are a perfectly capable leader with or without a wife and children. It should be your choice whether you want to get married or not. They can't change who you are, or your life goals."
Gaara tilted his head to the side in flattered amusement. "Leave it to you to say something like that," he replied, shaking his head from side to side. "At least Naruto won't have to worry himself about any of this when he becomes Hokage."
It was said to test Sasuke and see his reaction. As expected, the man 'tsked' and looked to the side, to the book resting over the mattress, his frown deepening. "That's a lame joke."
"Forgive me; I'm not very good with jokes," Gaara said, softly. When Sasuke didn't say anything, he sighed and reached out a hand towards him. Carefully, Gaara hooked a finger under Sasuke's chin and made him look back at him. With his other hand, he brushed Sasuke's hair carefully out of the way so his rinnegan was exposed. Mismatched eyes found his, firm but freed from animosity. For a moment, Gaara wished that Sasuke would give up wearing his hair like that so his beautiful face and eyes could be seen. He vaguely wondered if Naruto had the same kind of thoughts.
"I understand why these sorts of political details upset you," Gaara muttered. "And while it isn't exactly ideal to me either, from the moment I became Kazekage, I was prepared to devote my life to my village. I wish only for peace and safety for everyone. I want my people to trust me and live happily. As a Kage, those are my goals."
Sasuke's lips formed a thin, white line; his eyes narrowed. "And as a man?" he asked, his tone sharp. "Are you alright with just being forced into marrying and dealing with someone you don't even know or love? You'll be expected to have children. Do you even understand what it's needed for sex to happen smoothly?"
"Sasuke." Gaara held back an indulgent smile. With his thumb, he gently caressed Sasuke's chin. "You're an idealist, full of self-righteous thoughts that you can afford yourself to follow. I appreciate your concern, I truly do. But I am not you."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Sasuke's hand came to rest on Gaara's wrist, squeezing it empathically. "You're still human and not a dog of the system. You should still care about your future."
Gaara's eyes fell to the other man's stubborn mouth. "I don't have what I want within my grasp like you do," he said, his voice lowering to an almost whisper. "I don't have the chance to choose between my goals and my love life, because there is no corresponded love to choose from. What I want is already in the possession of someone else, so it makes no difference to me, really."
He knew Sasuke would understand who his words were directed at, and truth be told, he was purposefully stepping the line to cause a certain impact. He didn't know what he was expecting, though. So many things about Sasuke came to him as established facts, yet still felt as constant novelties.
Sasuke's hand tightened further and Gaara confirmed that he had hit a sensitive.
A second later, there was a sudden increase of tension in the air and Gaara felt himself being drawn by an inexplicable pull. Sasuke's eyes seemed to have been lighten ablaze for they became feral, and they were the last thing he saw before he felt Sasuke's body moving and lips falling harshly over his own, demandingly. Adrenaline rushed through his body and seemed to flood him with life. It was different from the last time Sasuke had kissed him, but right now, he couldn't tell if it had been Sasuke or himself who had leaned in first. Either way it didn't matter. Sasuke was willingly moving his mouth against his quickly and impatiently and all Gaara could do was eagerly part his mouth to respond and grab for Sasuke's face with both hands, completely inebriated by the sudden intensity he could feel coming from the other man, for him, in that precise moment.
Gaara had never kissed another person like this in his life, so he had no idea what he was doing, but it wasn't as though Sasuke wasn't aware of this fact, so he couldn't worry himself about it. He felt at ease, confident enough and comfortable - a feeling he knew he wouldn't experience this easily with just anyone.
This was nothing like their first time, and it both brought him an immense joy and a terrible feeling of self-pity.
"You're so frustrating," Sasuke panted against his mouth in between kisses. "What did I tell you about not talking about him?"
"I won't say a thing anymore," Gaara breathed, before making sure they both stayed quiet by capturing Sasuke's mouth again. They both shifted hurriedly. Sasuke's arm came around his neck to pull him demandingly close as Gaara's hands lowered so they were hugging Sasuke's torso, his hands running over the man's back over his t-shirt with far too heavy hands, fingers curling so he was clawing at the fabric. When their tongues met Gaara felt like everything was spinning out of control and that he no longer knew how to do anything but feel amazed and overwhelmed. He knew he was clumsy in his naivety, but Sasuke was quick to take the lead and basically force him to sharpen up and adapt. Thankfully, Gaara was a fast learner and really, kissing wasn't the hardest thing he had ever had to do, so it didn't take long for a suitable, deep rhythm to be achieved.
A few of Gaara's dreams had been made of moments like these. He had envisioned such a scene many times for many months now. It was something he had never expected to happen in his life. Or maybe he had? Maybe he had simply hoped.
There were many things Gaara wanted to do, so much more he wanted to feel, so many more things he wished to try with the man in his arms, but willing as Sasuke was just then, the boundaries were still high and Gaara didn't have to ask to understand it.
Still, Gaara could tell that there was a strange form of mutual attraction going on between them, even if his was very different from Sasuke's, both in motive and intensity. What mattered was, it was real, and Gaara didn't know how it made him feel, but sadness was definitely one of those many emotions consuming him.
Maybe Sasuke was merely indulging them both from the constant tension they had been feeling for a while now. Maybe it was only that Sasuke now knew things that allowed him to give himself like this more easily, or maybe it was just a whim of his, doing this simply because he could and because he knew that, this time, Gaara would allow it.
Either way, this was Uchiha Sasuke, kissing him because he wanted to. And for that, Gaara was thankful. It was just the two of them this time, without ghosts hanging between them.
It was just them and their feelings of loss and mourning for something that could've been but wasn't, and probably would never be.
Gaara didn't know how long they spent simply kissing as if they needed it to live. Sasuke was passionate about it, rough, and did everything with a very dominant, controlled precision that had Gaara's body feeling hot, tense, and strangely aroused like it hadn't in a long time. His hands ached to move more, to feel more, to invade the unknown territory of firm skin underneath annoying fabric, but he did not dare. Other hands had claimed that same skin long ago, and in spite of his better judgement, that sacred ground wasn't something he felt like he had the right to tarnish.
He berated himself for not being able to be selfish.
Sasuke's fingers caressing his nape in an almost possessive manner did nothing to help his desire subside, but he didn't let it overpower him. He was a Kage; lust shouldn't be something to rule over him, ever.
"You're very compliant today," Sasuke panted against him, as they broke the contact so Gaara could mouth at the column of his neck.
"That's because we're doing this for us, not because you are pouting over someone else."
"You know," Sasuke breathed, leaning away so he could look into Gaara's eyes. His hand slid from Gaara's nape to his neck in a slow caress before stopping over his shoulder. For a moment there, Gaara could swear that he saw genuine pity on his usually stoic face. "You and I see the world the same way. It's unfortunate because I think this between us could've worked if things were different. But alas, you are the Kazekage and have duties. And I am…"
"A wandering idealist, and already belonging to someone else, yes," Gaara interrupted, offering Sasuke a lopsided smile that felt empty. Sasuke's words had made his heart beat faster with happiness and a tiny, minuscule flame of hope - one he absolutely knew he shouldn't let live. His hands clenched on Sasuke's t-shirt at his waist. "As I said, I know I'll never have what I want, and I have made my peace with it long ago. Still… no-one finds this more unfortunate than me."
Sasuke knew it, too. Either way, there was an odd longing in those unblinking eyes that Gaara was enraptured by.
He wanted to consume the man in front of him and overpower this moment between them to make it his - theirs. If it were possible to change this dimension to one where nothing else existed to stop them, he wished he could be there.
Maybe, in a different world, this could've actually worked. In another life, if Naruto and Sasuke had never fallen into each other, maybe right now Gaara could afford to make choices. As it was, they were still two people who were a million miles away from each other, and that wouldn't change.
It would've been devastating for him. But he knew better already.
Still, for now, even if just for a few more seconds, it was just the two of them, and maybe, just maybe, they could pretend that there were no political issues, no divergent ideals, and no other lovers.
Sasuke was now biting on his lower lip, and from the look in his eyes, he was thinking the same thing.
For now, this paradise could be only theirs, and the future didn't need to be an issue.
But… maybe they shouldn't have talked about this because Sasuke's expression changed suddenly, to one of true resentment, and he sighed, frowning heavily.
"What is it?" Gaara asked at once, finding himself confused and disappointed at the sudden change in the mood between them.
Sasuke looked away and Gaara knew that, what it was that he had been waiting to say would come as a bomb he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with.
"I'm no better than Naruto," Sasuke said suddenly. "I just keep fucking up no matter how hard I try to follow my path and do my own thing."
Gaara's mouth hung open. This wasn't going to be good, he could feel it. "What… did you do, Sasuke?"
"I got someone pregnant."
Well, Gaara thought, feeling a hard stab piercing his chest. That was all it took for that tiny flame of hope for them to be completely extinguished.
000
Sasuke and Katsu had only stayed in Suna for a couple of days, much to Gaara's obvious disappointment. Either way, it wasn't like things hadn't become very strained for them at some point, and with good reason. Sasuke knew he had hurt Gaara, and consequently, hurt himself. Why had he even given into the temptation of testing the waters between them if he had known in advance that it would be useless?
When had he become such an impulsive type of person, so easily giving him to the small pleasures of the world, so thirsty for these moments of uniqueness?
Sasuke was going to become a father and a married man in just a few months, and Gaara was expected to join some stranger. It had been doomed from the start, but Sasuke supposed that everything happening to him in the last few months led to this sort of conscious need for something else.
That was why he had only wasted enough time to leave Karin and Sakura safely at one of Orochimaru's abandoned hideouts in the Land of Spindrifts and immediately returned to the village to grab for Katsuo and head over to Suna. He had needed to be away from everything and find some semblance of 'comfort', and for some reason, not taking the boy hadn't been an option despite his previous judgement. Sasuke had needed to work over this secret out of his chest more than anything after feeling so thoroughly suffocated by Karin's pregnancy, and Katsuo was his only shelter, just as Gaara was the only person he could ever go to for that comfort.
Sasuke had so much he needed to do, and yet now he was too overwhelmed and frankly upset to do them. Reaching out to Katsuo and Gaara was just reflexive behaviour that frustrated even him, but by now, he already knew when to recognize his unbalanced moods and understood that he needed time for himself to recover and get back on track. If it was what it took to not let himself fall into a pitch of anger and despair, then he'd do it, for Katsuo's sake, and for his own sake.
Using people to get what he needed had become a habit it seemed. And it was far too easy, but already it was proving to be detrimental. He supposed that, all things considered, he should've learned how to respect karma by now.
Sometimes he felt thoroughly (self)destructive, and it upset him knowing it was something he did unintentionally. He would throw himself at things and sink into them without previously considering how harmful it could be, for himself and for others.
He had taken control of it when it came to Naruto. With his friend, he had been forced to ponder every word and every action, otherwise he would fall into an endless pit that would be very hard to get out of. No matter what he did or how much time he was without Naruto, as soon as they stood face to face, he'd be undone. Even if he could mask it, even he could resist and fight Naruto to come out on top and not be the pitiful person he couldn't let Naruto see…
Pulling himself back together was always the hardest battle.
But with others…
It was easy to get up and go, so diving seemed far too easy.
Still… 'unfortunate' was too tame of a word to describe the situation between himself and Gaara. It was as if fate itself had worked so they'd never come together in such terms, and Sasuke found it oddly sad but also ironic.
Some part of him wished that he could've stayed longer, so he could show the lively village to Katsuo (and so Sasuke himself could understand his own feelings for his relationship with Gaara better) but upon entering he had quickly realized that, even though it had been nightime, the far too big place had left the boy feeling scared and restless. Sasuke had felt it from the tenseness in his body and the way he had tightened his tiny arms around his neck.
Either way, Sasuke still had a few errands to run for Orochimaru and many hideouts to visit to obtain what he wanted, so he couldn't stay long and wallow in his own issues and his own lamentation. He had wanted to introduce Katsuo to someone close, and knew that Gaara and his siblings would never open their mouths to anyone unless Sasuke told them to. It was a welcomed relief.
If Sasuke had to be honest with himself, he, too, had wished that he could indulge in Gaara's company for a while longer. He was emotionally exhausted and had desperately needed time away from Karin, Sakura and all the issues that had barged into his life uninvited. Besides, having a little bit of physical comfort was always good, for both him and Katsuo. Also, it left him feeling slightly bitter that he and Gaara had so little time to explore their attraction a little more, even if it would be fruitless in the end.
But… what had he been expecting anyway? He already knew that he would have to create a fake marriage with Sakura, and Gaara himself would soon be betrothed. What the fuck had he been thinking, Sasuke didn't know.
He had almost considered offering Gaara what he had so adamantly refused Naruto - an affair.
This only proved that he wasn't right in the head, and Sasuke would've snorted in disgust if only he wasn't so angry at himself. He had to sort out his priorities once more and get back on track.
He felt only slightly guilty for wishing they had time to have sex, though. Why hadn't they? It wasn't like he didn't know Gaara was a virgin, and it wasn't like he felt like he wanted desperately to do it with him, it was just…
A whim? Possessive behaviour by wanting to be fulcral in something deeply relevant in Gaara's life?
If that was so, then...
Maybe it had been for the best. Gaara definitely deserved more than a one-time fuck for his first time. But then again, he certainly deserved more than having his first time with a complete stranger, a forced wife.
Sasuke couldn't exactly explain it himself, but he had always been drawn to Gaara in his own way. As a friend, as a shinobi comrade and as an important bond he had forged in the last few years, Gaara was present in the small list of people Sasuke could claim that he genuinely cared for. It was nothing like what Sasuke and Naruto had, of course, but it was still something highly relevant.
The fact that Gaara had feelings for him was no news to Sasuke, but it wasn't as though he could reciprocate those feelings the way Gaara wanted, and they both knew it. Least of all now, with babies and marriages on the way. It just wasn't right.
Still… The fact alone that Sasuke had longed for a bit of intimacy with Gaara already said a lot. Under different circumstances, maybe they could've come to some sort of arrangement. They both knew Sasuke would never remain in a village and that Gaara would never abandon his position (neither would this be something Sasuke would ever ask of him) but still, surely there'd be a way to compromise.
It wasn't like Sasuke needed a lover, or someone waiting for him. He had Naruto. He knew that all he had to do was show himself willing and Naruto would fall apart for him. For intimacy, for sex, for emotional chaos, for a minute of comfort…he knew he would always have Naruto. No matter how many years passed, Naruto would always be his one and only kindred spirit, and forever his lover regardless of whether they did have sex or not.
But… if Naruto had someone else, in a way, Sasuke wanted to understand what it was like, too - if it was that easy to learn how to love someone else, to become someone else's constant lover, even if not in a serious constant commitment.
Taka had been different. Gaara wasn't like Juugo and Karin - he was someone whose feelings were too exclusive, and while he could understand the line between sex and love, he would end up getting hurt. He wouldn't be able to let it go, and Sasuke didn't want to fuck things up for them like that. Which was why it could never be 'just sex' between them. It would always have to be more.
In a way, Sasuke felt sorry that they never would get to figure out how it could've been. Out of all the people, apart from Naruto, Gaara was...
But things had never been in their favor- the system was still getting in the way, and Sasuke… well, could he ever really make Gaara go through this? Having Sasuke as a lover while knowing fully well that there would always be someone else in the back of his mind?
Gaara deserved better; so much better than Sasuke.
But… as everything, it was all a matter of choice, and both Sasuke and Gaara had made theirs.
After all… Sasuke himself was in a very tough situation right now. Karin and Sakura were in Orochimaru's hideout for the time being, but as soon as the baby was born he and Sakura would need to return to Konoha as parents and as a supposed couple. There were so many things that needed taking care of, so much that he had to juggle with - a new life and a new child, Katsuo, the village, his errands for Orochimaru, information for Konoha…
Months Later...
Time seemed to have gone by in a flash, and yet, time still seemed to be dragging itself infinitely.
One thing was for sure - Naruto hadn't been ready to feel the weight of his newborn child in his arms at all. It was a boy, healthy and strong according to the doctors in spite of his tiny body. His head was a already filled with a mop of unruly sunshine hair, and on his cheeks, two whisker marks could be seen. Boruto hadn't even opened his eyes yet, but somehow, Naruto was sure those eyes would be just like his - he just knew it.
It was the middle of the night, and pale and exhausted from hours of labour, Hinata was sleeping soundly in the hospital bed. The beeping sound of the machines around her filled the dark room.
Naruto stood by the window so the moonlight would shine upon his son's face. Holding such a small creature was awkward for Naruto, but he did the best he could. The baby in his arms was so fragile and warm, tiny hands clenched over his chest. He was making feeble sounds that could barely be heard.
Naruto hadn't expected any of it to feel quite like this.
Seeing his own blood and flesh right there was otherworldly. He hadn't given it all that much thought before, hadn't realized how important this was, exactly, but now it all seemed to have come crashing down and overwhelming him. This reality was overwhelming.
His heart ached from beating so fast; his throat felt dry and constricted. It felt as if something inside of him was going to burst. He was scared of the baby, scared that moving too much would hurt him, but completely enamoured, too. From the moment he had laid eyes on his son, he knew that he would love him with everything he had, unconditionally. This love for this individual he was still about to get to know would last forever.
His child. His son. His family. Someone he had to protect at all costs and prioritize above any other.
This was what he had abandoned everything for. All because of this small, defenseless being.
Uzumaki Boruto. The name itself spoke of things only Naruto understood. Hinata's own perspective was founded on nothing but lies, but if an illusion made her happy, Naruto wouldn't shatter it.
This was where it all had ended, and where it all had started.
This child would be the split image of him. Boruto could've been his and the child of just about anyone; no-one would be able to tell. It was a terrifying thought that brought with it a feeling of unbearable longing he hadn't expected to feel.
This love came with a bitter taste. Naruto could only pray.
Please, don't let me hate him…
I just want to love him…
Please let me love him selflessly...
A sob escaped Naruto's chest as he gently brushed his nose over the baby's soft cheek. He felt so fulfilled all of a sudden, and yet, it was as if he was experiencing a grand moment of his life in a desert, with no-one there to share the joy with.
Yet, Hinata was right there. He felt gratefulness towards her for having given him this gift of life, and yet, the room might as well be empty.
He had people. His friends had congratulated him already and Hinata would wake up soon. They'd make plans and discuss things. They'd probably cry some more together than they had already. A party would be thrown at some point. Naruto would have all the attention and company to celebrate this with in just a few hours.
So… why did he feel so painfully lonely?
Where was Sasuke? Why hadn't he written?
Where are you now, Sasuke? Now that this has happened to me?
I thought you'd be here...
Was Sasuke in Sakura's arms, sleeping peacefully? Was Sakura's belly already big enough to be noticeable? Surely it was.
Was Sasuke even happy he was going to become a father?
Naruto felt so helpless, unsure of what to do with himself. A small tear slid down his face. He wished Sasuke could see this - see his baby boy and feel the way Naruto felt, give him his support, offer a few harsh remarks.
What would Sasuke do? How would he feel at seeing Naruto's son for the first time? Would he be happy and emotional, or would he just feel those bitter feelings of longing and have those same thoughts of 'what if…'?
Would he… think about Boruto the way Naruto did? The way Naruto knew he shouldn't?
But Sasuke wasn't there, just like Naruto wouldn't be there for Sasuke's child's birth. Not even this they were allowed to share.
Why was the life of an adult so unfair? Why couldn't they just go back to the days when everything was simple and pure?
Sasuke, I want to see you…
This was the beginning of a new world, a new generation. Old things were being left behind, the past was being brushed away to give place to newer, supposedly more beautiful things.
It was like the coming of spring after a cold, hard winter.
That was how this was supposed to feel.
And still…
Sasuke… even if you joked about it… even if you said that it's not possible…
I know that.
But when I think about it…
Boruto could as well be ours.
TBC…
A/N2nd: I KNOOOOOW! DON'T KILL ME! But I needed to wrap up this tension between Sasuke and Gaara. I needed to know what was going on between them and whether it would be a thing or not. Doesn't seem likely (*cough*unfortunately*cough*), but it was a pleasure to write. It was driving me crazy, so I'm glad I got to explore it.
I suppose more things will be exposed as the fic develops.
That ending scene though! I'm so not sorry for Naruto's feelings.
NEXT CHAPTER: Sasuke returns to Konoha, and our boys finally meet once again! Are you looking forward to some hellish feels? I'm not. Just like I'm not prepared for Naruto's and Sasuke's animated battle in two days.
I hope you have enjoyed the chapter (as much as possible)!
See ya next time, and don't forget to REVIEW!
