A/N: It took forever for me to update, but here it is! I cannot believe it was October the last time I posted for this fic.
So, I know I've been absent and barely have posted anything on tumblr or updated my fics, and I sincerely am sorry for that. Don't think that I have given up on finishing my stories, because I haven't, it's just… this year has been filled with new things and it's been hard to be in the right mood.
For starters, a few of you already know this, but I'm currently pregnant, 28 weeks today to be precise, of a baby boy ^^. It feels like something I've been wanting for so long that it's eerie. It's been a blessed journey, but I've been on medical leave a lot and my brain feels like mush most of the times. I feel so happy that I managed to have a strike of inspiration for this chapter you have no idea!
Well, apart from this, my grandmother passed away. She was like a mother to me – or more of a mother than my own mother, to be honest - and just on the weekend that I had decided to tell her about the baby, she passed away without knowing, and that was… difficult for me. Mixed up with other family situations, I had rough times here and there.
Anyway, at the moment I'm feeling a lot better, but I will be going back to work next week, so we'll see how that goes.
Thank you all for being patient and not giving up on this fic! All the reviews I get and all the love this fic still receives fills my heart with joy! It's beautiful to see that people are still wanting to see Sasuke/Naruto stuff even though this fandom has been quieter than ever. Please don't let our wonderful ship die!
Not betaed. Excuse my typos.
I apologise in advance for the chapter, by the way. Hehe.
Please enjoy!
From Which We'll Rise
Part XXII: By the Hand
There he was, inside the genjutsu he had created, immersed in a fantasy he had willingly started, not so much to indulge Naruto but to give in to his own particular whims, and of a sudden, Sasuke was assaulted by the strangest feeling.
He had no doubt that he was in complete control of everything within his genjutsu. Regardless of how oddly upset he still was, he acknowledged that this was giving him quite the rush, adrenaline and desire flooding him as he arrogantly observed Naruto's naked and wanton body from up and down. His dark gaze landed upon the obvious arousal between his friend's thighs before rolling back up to find blue eyes that were heavy with lust, but feral with expectation.
He shouldn't have been surprised that Naruto would be into this - after all, the man did seem to have a thing for being at Sasuke's mercy. Naruto could pretend to be angry, fight and talk shit at Sasuke with a surprisingly dirty mouth, but in the end, this type of challenge and the curiosity he always had towards Sasuke was something that excited him beyond his own comprehension.
Sasuke knew instantly that, right now, he could do whatever the fuck he very well pleased and Naruto would take it willingly, be it pain or pleasure. In fact, he suspected Naruto was eagerly anticipating both, and not knowing what was going to happen was definitely turning him on.
The thought alone made Sasuke's mouth salivate. A savage part of him wanted to ravage Naruto and hurt him, unleash upon him all the negative things he was forced to feel and simply let go. And then, there was the other side of the coin that, after all of this, desperately wanted to heal him by showering the other with waves of affection and show him sensations Sasuke knew he'd never feel with another person.
Sasuke found himself swallowing hard as a familiar tightness squeezed his heart.
"Sasuke?" Naruto called out, a little breathlessly. Sasuke didn't blink as he stared at him, wave after wave of longing washing over him, causing his entire body to pulse in yearning, and it was unbearable.
But… underneath these things that seemed impossible to drown, there was still something vile and dark that made him stop. No matter how much he wanted to reach out, somehow, all of a sudden, his body refused to touch the other man's skin as he kept watching him.
And he realized that he simply couldn't do this.
000
Sasuke came to himself with a violence he wasn't used to. As if his very soul had somehow escaped his body and had suddenly decided to re-enter him with viciousness, he came back to the real world with a spasm and a strangled gasp as he urgently pushed at Naruto's chest to break their kiss so he could take a few quick, deep breaths.
His chest hurt and his heart was beating wildly. Breathing heavily, he blinked at Naruto, who was panting and looking back at him with an expression that was both worried and confused. "What?" Naruto asked quickly, clearly a little out of sorts. "What happened? Why are we back?"
Swallowing hard, Sasuke shook his head. "I… I can't…" he said, in more of a hiss than a whisper. "I need a moment."
"Heh?!" Naruto sounded utterly appalled as Sasuke nimbly got to his feet and walked away without looking back. He just needed a minute to get his shit together, and he was praying that his friend would be sensible enough not to follow.
As he immersed himself in the dense forest, completely unaware of the chill of the shadows hitting his naked torso, he tried to force himself to calm the fuck down. He didn't understand himself at all, because the turmoil of emotions was so strong and conflicting he didn't know what to do with himself. The lust that burned his body made him feel dizzy, his obvious arousal still very prominent between his thighs, and yet, he felt so helpless towards it, it seemed to fuel the bubbling anger inside his heart.
He was so fucking angry he wanted to run as fast as he could, and as far away from Naruto as he possibly could. It had all seemed so easy for a moment, so simple. His pride hadn't allowed him to give in, in reality, but he had thought that, maybe in his genjutsu he could give both himself and Naruto some sort of relief, not exactly what they both wanted, but a sample nonetheless that would alleviate the tension and raging longing they had for each other. It was the perfect idea, he had been sure, and yet…
Even in that genjutsu, regardless of the things he was able to control at will, he still wasn't able to control - nor balance - the fuckfest that involved his love, his resentment and his desire.
There was no way that he could do it. No matter how much he loved Naruto, how much he had missed him, how much it was physically and emotionally painful for him to keep his distance and deny himself like this, his own ego won. And he wasn't sure if he was glad or frustrated out of his mind.
He wasn't like Naruto - he simply could not throw his principles out the window and deal with it afterwards. Even if he knew giving in would offer some sort of short term relief, it never seemed to make up for the amount of pain.
He just wanted to be able to say 'no' to everything. It was so easy to switch himself off when it came to other lovers, but with Naruto it didn't work no matter how hard he tried. He always thought too much, always calculated his steps, always felt too much and it was all so inconveniently bothersome.
It was a fact that Sasuke wanted Naruto with everything he had, but he was also pissed off beyond belief at their situation, and no matter what Naruto said or how many promises he made, nothing would change the fact that they were just fooling around with each other and naively gambling on fate. Sasuke wasn't a person who gambled, and no matter how impulsive he might be at times, he did not make decisions lightly nor acted without a certain amount of consideration towards the consequences.
Naruto, on the other hand, loved to jump into things first and think about it afterwards.
With an annoyed huff, Sasuke stopped next to a tree and placed his shaky hand over the trunk for support. Closing his eyes, he focused on breathing through his nose and will the chaos within him to subside, somehow. The sounds of the leaves rustling in the soft breeze complimented the melody of birds chirping, and it was strangely soothing.
What the hell had he been thinking?
For several minutes he stood there, motionless while taking in the energy of the nature that surrounded him in search for a calming, grounding force that would get him back on track. The quietude was a blessing, and despite the raging thoughts inside his head, he slowly managed to catch his breath as his body calmed down enough to for him to regain some semblance of composure. He still felt like every cell in him was on edge while other parts of him didn't seem to want to whither, either.
Re-opening his eyes, he leaned his side on the tree trunk with a groan. This was utterly exhausting and he wanted it to be over.
And yet… thinking about Naruto leaving and them not seeing each other for the gods knew how long wasn't easier on his heart either. Thinking about it over and over again didn't help.
The familiar presence made itself known before a single noise could be heard, and Sasuke was glad that he had regained his dignity, at least.
"Sasuke?" Naruto called out hesitantly, and only then could his cautious steps be heard in the forest grounds as he approached.
Straightening his posture, Sasuke inhaled sharply just as the form of his friend emerged from a nearby bush. Naruto had chosen to put his sweater back on (a clear sign of him understanding Sasuke's distress) and as soon as he spotted Sasuke, he stopped in his tracks, the tension in his body giving away his uncertainty on how to approach the man in front of him.
"Did you come here and left Katsuo all alone?" Sasuke snapped, feeling on edge again now that Naruto was close once more.
"Of course not!" Naruto defended, looking hurt at the accusation. "I left three clones behind to look after him! Three!"
Narrowing his eyes at a frowning Naruto, Sasuke bit on his lower lip, knowing he was being unreasonably unbalanced about all of this. He used to have more control, but he couldn't, for the life of him, seem to get it back in moments like this. Just looking at Naruto made him lose sense of who he wanted to be in this situation and it drove him nuts.
Heaving a long sigh, Sasuke forced himself to relax. "Alright," he said, voice a little softer now, but not less annoyed. "I'm sorry I doubted your competence."
"I don't even know if you're being sarcastic or honest," Naruto protested, making yet another confused face. "Sasuke, what's wrong? What did I do this time to piss you off like this?"
"I'm not…" Sasuke started, but then interrupted himself because, yes, he was very pissed off and Naruto could feel it, so it was pointless to deny it. "You didn't do anything. Or more like, you didn't do anything in the genjutsu specifically. I just couldn't go through with what I had in mind. There's just too much going on in my head and I can't."
Naruto on his upper lip, his expression changing to one of disappointment. "You mean you can't… be with me like that? Not even in a genjutsu? Because that's not even real..."
"Real or not, the sensations feel real and the memories will be there," Sasuke refuted. "For all your brain and body know, it's as real as it possibly could be. And, no matter how much I want to do it, I just can't. I'm too conflicted. I can't just decide to shove everything to the side and fuck you as if you're not leaving tomorrow, to your fucking village and your fucking wife and kid, to that fucking life you have so much difficulty letting go of." He took a deep breath. "I have a difficulty letting go of certain things as well, Naruto."
There was a shift in Naruto's body, and Sasuke's eyes lowered to find that the other's hands had been closed into tight fists. He couldn't feel anger coming from Naruto, but he could feel frustration, sadness and, like Sasuke himself, helplessness. Only Naruto's was different and emerged from a different source.
Naruto loved him and wanted him just as eagerly - Sasuke could feel that hunger throbbing in his veins and smell it from a distance, like an erotic fragrance calling out to him. He understood Sasuke's motives and his feelings, but he didn't understand Sasuke's mind nor his stubbornness. He didn't understand why Sasuke simply couldn't make life easier for himself, and this - knowing Sasuke put himself through so much out of pride - burned his heart with melancholy.
Sasuke himself didn't know why it was so hard for him to cave in; he only knew that he couldn't. Not right now at least. It wasn't about what he wanted anymore, it was just that his soul was already shattered from so many crushed dreams and useless faith.
"I'm sorry," Naruto said, shortly, and it sounded sincere, but defeated. His eyes didn't look human in that eerie setting around them, too big and too honest.
"You have to stop apologising for things you can't fix," Sasuke said, for some reason feeling his anger slowly melt away. He could feel Naruto's longing for him, but the fact that he currently knew how to keep his distance and not attempt to cross the line again helped Sasuke relax and drop his guard ever so slightly. "It is what it is. I'm not going to apologise to you for leading you on and breaking it off like this."
"I didn't expect you to," Naruto said, again, sincerely. He unclenched his fists. "It was my fault. I'm sorry for pushing your buttons. I guess my selfishness sort of… makes me take things for granted. I take you for granted, too, because I know you want the same as I do. But you don't feel the same way about this so… I'm not going to try to lure you in anymore if it's going to make you feel like this. I'm really sorry, Sasuke."
For a few seconds, Sasuke could only look at the stiff and heartbroken figure of Naruto, standing there without knowing which way to turn or how to react around him. This Naruto was so oddly pitiful, fragile and so scared of pushing Sasuke away that it actually made him feel sorry for him, but only a little because, truth was, Sasuke couldn't help but feel sadistically satisfied. Naruto needed to understand that fulfilling his whims was entirely up to Sasuke, and if Sasuke was not up to it, then that would always be the end of it. That was the bargain between them, and that was something he had agreed on, so he did not have the right to mope.
"Can I ask you something?" Naruto said, tilting his chin up as if it would give him strength.
After a pause, Sasuke nodded. "Go ahead."
"Do you… also feel conflicted when you fuck other people?"
The question took Sasuke aback for a split second, but he didn't let it show at all, his expression unchanged. Unblinking, he looked Naruto from up and down. "I know exactly what I'm doing when I'm fucking other people," he said, his voice soft and composed. "I know the purpose it serves at that moment, so for me to feel conflicted I'd have to feel guilty about doing it."
"Which you don't," Naruto finished for him, and for some reason, his voice cracked.
"I wouldn't do it in the first place if I did."
Naruto swallowed hard. "I see."
"You don't feel guilty when you fuck your wife."
"That's because I love her," Naruto defended, and there was a watery glint in his eyes that finally exposed a hint of anger. "She's the mother of my son, that's..."
"What makes you think I don't love the people I'm involved with?" Sasuke cut, ruthlessly. "You're way over your head to say it to my face that you are entitled to fuck your wife because you love her. You don't get to talk to me about love and what you consider right or wrong feelings for sex. Unlike you, I don't just fuck because I can't keep it in my pants, Naruto. You don't have to fuck someone because you 'love' them, and you don't have to have an ulterior motive to fuck someone you care for. And regardless of what you may think, you're not the only person I happen to care about in this world."
In front of him, Naruto pressed his lips tightly together and looked away from him, crossing his arms over his chest. "How many people did you fuck?" he ended up muttering.
Sasuke didn't hesitate in coldly replying to the childish question. "Certainly, more than you have, and I don't need to excuse myself with frivolous conversations of 'love'." He paused, before adding "I don't need to justify to you, or to anyone else what I do, who I fuck or why. I never did, and I never will. Whether it's easier to fuck this or that person than it is to fuck you, that's up to me, Naruto, and you have to respect that."
"Right," Naruto snapped.
Sasuke could feel the other man's jealousy, and in so many ways, it both amused him and upset him because, even if it felt good to show Naruto that he had the upper hand, it still bothered him that his personal need to be this vicious hurt Naruto.
"Naruto…"
"Look, I know you have other people, and I know I don't have the right to be jealous or judgemental," Naruto threw, looking back at him with a deep frown and tears of frustration in his eyes. "I know you're married to Sakura-chan, and that I'm married too and that this is all so fucking twisted none of us have the right to be moralistic about it. But I can't help it, okay? As I've said a million times already, I didn't come here so we could have sex, but it's fucking infuriating that you open up to me and give it your all in one moment and then close the fuck up in the other! I understand it, Sasuke, I really do, but it pisses me off that you're… so difficult about it when it comes to me! When all I want is to give myself to you wholeheartedly, you're constantly finding reasons not to do the same!"
"It's exactly because it's you that it's difficult," Sasuke explained, keeping his voice even, unperturbed, but strict. "It's not like I can explain it myself. It doesn't mean that it's going to be like this all the time." He frowned. "This morning you said you'd respect that. You said it was okay as long as I accepted our conditions as lovers and didn't run away from you. But it is what it is at this point, and there's nothing I can do about it."
Naruto huffed and took a few seconds to inhale deeply through his nose as if to calm himself down, eventually allowing his stiff shoulders to slump. With a hand, he rubbed his eyes. "Right," he said, shaking his head softly in defeat. "I just… I wish things could be easier. I wish you'd just… stop overthinking things so much. Sometimes it looks like you do and I get excited, but… you are you, and I know you. I don't know why I keep expecting you to be different just because of my whims."
Sasuke couldn't help but sigh. "Don't think that I'm insensitive to your side of the situation," he muttered, running a hand through his hair, tiredly. "Regardless of my feelings and motivations at this very moment, later on this will have a heavy impact on me. I might even regret not taking the chance to be with you like that at some point, but… right now I can't. And it has nothing to do with the way I feel about you; that much you should know."
Lowering his hand so his eyes were uncovered, Naruto lifted his head up and eyed him, his expression slightly less strained, almost bordering on impassive, as if he had completely given up on whatever arguments and defensive rants he might have. This, too, pleased Sasuke in a strange way.
"Yeah, I do know," Naruto agreed, lowly. After a few serious seconds, his mouth formed a small, honest but sad smile. "I don't love you any less, even if it's vexing as all hell, especially knowing you want the same thing as I do. But I said that I would wait for you, and I will, even if it takes years or decades. So, it's alright."
It wasn't alright and Sasuke knew it. Naruto was wounded, mostly by Sasuke shattering his wishful thinking - despite Sasuke's previous warnings - but for the both of them, it was better this way. Sasuke knew he might mourn this distance he had imposed them at some point, when memories of their days together weighted him and he would come to miss Naruto and long for him with everything he had.
However, Sasuke wasn't a person to regret past actions that made sense to him. Even if, in a week, he'd wonder why this was such a big deal and wonder why the fuck he didn't go through with his initial plan for the genjutsu, he would remember well that, on this day, he felt like this was the right thing to do, and that would be enough to push regrets and feelings of remorse away from him.
They exchanged a silent look between them for a while before Sasuke reached out a hand towards Naruto. "Come here."
Naruto's calm but attentive expression didn't change, and there was no hesitation as he slowly made his way towards Sasuke, their hands meeting halfway before their chests ever did.
With his naked back rubbing against the tree trunk, Sasuke's arm went around Naruto's shoulders as Naruto's arms instinctively surrounded him by the waist. He felt his friend easily burying his face in the curve of his neck, so he pressed a small, almost condescending kiss to the man's temple before leaning his head back against the tree and look up. From there, he could only see small bits of the blue sky peeking out from the dense foliage above him.
Oddly enough, even though the contact of Naruto's body against his got all his animalistic instincts on alert, truth was, he felt a lot calmer than he expected. He could feel Naruto's heart beating wildly against him, contentment, resignation and longing pumping inside his chest, alongside with Sasuke's. But Naruto was calm, accepting, and finally not assaulted by insolent thoughts of lust, and that was a welcomed relief that allowed Sasuke to breathe properly, finally.
"Were you really willing to let seventeen-year-old me fuck you?" Sasuke asked, allowing himself to sound the tiniest bit teasing to lighten up the mood.
Naruto snorted against his skin. "Why not? Seventeen-year-old you was fierce. And kind of hot, too."
"You're in your twenties; it's still kind of weird," Sasuke pointed out, rubbing the back of his friend's neck with a soothing hand and feeling the other's arms tightening around him.
"Well, sorry, not sorry," Naruto grumbled, pressing a small kiss to the back of Sasuke's ear. "I would've done it. It's your fault, anyway. And I hope we can repeat that genjutsu properly sometime. Or, like, forget the genjutsu and we'll do it for real? You just created a fantasy I expect to see fulfilled someday."
"What, when you're in your forties or fifties?" Sasuke mocked. "That would be even creepier."
"Not if I can somehow manage to make myself younger, too?" Naruto suggested, and Sasuke felt him smile. "Or not. Depends on how kinky I'm feeling."
"You're the most disgusting pervert I've ever met," Sasuke said, shaking his head in amusement.
"That's because you never met the mighty Jiraiya," Naruto retorted.
Sasuke couldn't help but snort. "Well, I wouldn't have you any other way."
000
When they returned to where they had set camp for their picnic after a few minutes, they found Katsuo still sleeping soundly with three Naruto clones sitting cross legged on the ground around him, all of them watching the boy as if they feared he might miraculously vanish. Sasuke found it rather funny.
"Don't laugh! You can't be too careful, and I don't know him well enough to know if he'd run away or not," Naruto protested, once he saw Sasuke's smirk.
"He's not the type of kid to randomly run away, idiot," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes as he made his way to the edge of the lake where he'd left his sweater. He quickly put it on as Naruto dispelled his three clones, the soft puffing sound making Katsuo shift a little in his slumber.
The sake bottle and cups were still resting on the ground, now with a few ants travelling all over them as expected.
"Ah, damn…" Naruto mumbled, crouching down to pick them up and shake the ants off. "I'm gonna wash it really quick. We're lucky the bottle had the cork on."
As Naruto made his way to the edge of the lake to wash the dust away, Sasuke sat back down where they had previously been, pulling his knees up to his chest. He took a moment to look over his shoulder at Katsuo to make sure he was indeed alright.
Once Naruto had everything properly washed, he sat down next to Sasuke. Silently, the two shared a few more cups of sake in a strangely peaceful silence. Sasuke was happy about that, because he was so very done with useless conversation for the moment. After the intensity between them had been crashed so disastrously, there was no way that things could turn casual and easy-going all of a sudden, and it was already bad enough that the tension between them was still awkward for being unresolved.
Still, simply enjoying each other's company was fulfilling enough considering things, and Sasuke was internally grateful that Naruto wasn't forcing his feelings through his energy towards him anymore, instead quietly watching the lake with a thoughtful expression that demanded nothing from Sasuke anymore.
Katsuo woke up in the middle of the afternoon, nodding excitedly when Sasuke asked him if he still wanted to swim in the lake. Naruto insisted that he took a look at the wounds on the child's hands before that and seemed pleased that they seemed to have started healing.
Sasuke prepared things for an afternoon snack while Naruto and Katsuo played in the water because he wasn't in the right mood to join them. Plus, it kind of soothed his troubled soul to see the two interacting. Naruto truly wasn't like him, easily regaining his good spirits and managing to crack his heart-warming smiles. He seemed happy to play with Katsuo, surprisingly energised as he attempted to teach him how to swim. Katsuo watched Naruto attentively and seemed very receptive to him, taking his suggestions and never rejecting contact. A distorted, awkward smirk would sometimes chance an appearance on his thin lips. Sasuke was happy he seemed to be enjoying himself - it was important to him that his son liked Naruto.
However, Katsuo still didn't have enough strength to handle being in the water for too long, and after about half an hour he and Naruto got out and made their way to Sasuke, dripping water and looking happy. Naruto, of course, had to be childish and throw some drops of water Sasuke's way.
After Naruto insisted that he anointed and bandaged Katsuo's hands again, the three ate together. It was already late afternoon when they gathered their things and headed back to the village. Naruto carried an obviously thrilled Katsuo on his shoulders, the child confidently holding the sides of his head for support.
Once they arrived at the village, everyone was already preparing food at their doorsteps for the usual dinner banquet outside. Since Misato already had collected water for the night, Sasuke took the chance to make sure Katsuo bathed properly, and only then did he and Naruto wash up as best as they could before all of them went to help with the remaining preparations.
The banquet outside was the usual loud event, followed by lots of music and dancing, and even if Sasuke loved it, that day he wished it had rained so they could have their meal in a quieter environment in Misato's house, just their small household, in peace. However, this was a rare occasion since the village's culture believed that eating in community brought happiness, health and prosperity and no one dined in their own homes unless it was strictly necessary.
Despite his apparent regained good-mood, Naruto didn't eat much and politely refused everyone that asked him to dance, content in sitting next to Sasuke and slowly sipping his wine. Katsuo had grown rather drowsy as well, and Sasuke could tell that he was absolutely exhausted. At some point, despite the noise, the boy ended up letting his head fall on Sasuke's shoulder and promptly fell asleep. It was easy to think of him as being strong and healthy on normal days, but it was when he pushed himself like this that Sasuke remembered that he still had a long way to go to be as energetic as the other kids his age.
In spite of it being a little difficult with just one arm, Sasuke managed to pick Katsuo up - under Naruto's attentive but silent gaze - and carry him to the house, Naruto following after him.
Naruto seemed surprised when Sasuke took Katsuo to the same room the three of them had shared the night before - cramped as all hell. "You and I are not sleeping here tonight," Sasuke explained vaguely in a whisper, which made Naruto sigh in relief.
Quickly, Naruto prepared the makeshift bed before Sasuke laid Katsuo on it. Together, they managed to undress the boy and somehow put some lighter sleeping clothes on him without him so much as stirring slightly.
After a small kiss to his son's head, Sasuke blew out the candle they had lit for illumination and they both quietly left the room.
Naruto looked confused as Sasuke moved about the house to fetch a few things - blankets, a couple of canteens he ordered Naruto to fill with water, and a bit of fruit, all things they shoved inside a large satchel.
"You want to go back to the party?" Sasuke asked Naruto, pushing the satchel towards Naruto as they were heading outside. "It's your last night here, after all."
"No, I'm fine going wherever you want to go," Naruto said easily while throwing the satchel over his shoulder, his tone honest. Nodding, Sasuke made his way to the banquet to look for Misato but she was nowhere to be seen. Thankfully, Sasuke found Tori feeding an agitated Mika, so he managed to tell him that Katsuo was sleeping in the house and that he and Naruto would be spending the night somewhere else. Tori simply nodded and shooed them away.
"You think they'll be mad if we don't stay to help clean up?" Naruto muttered, still following after Sasuke as they left the banquet area. Sasuke found a lit lantern and picked it up - they'd need it if they wanted to see where they were going in that darkness.
"Well, you're not an inhabitant right now, you're a guest, and I'm officially your host, so I don't think they give a fuck to be honest," Sasuke said dismissively. "Aren't you tired?"
"Not tired, no; just… being away from all of that noise kind of feels nicer at this point," Naruto admitted. Sasuke was glad they agreed, but then again, emotionally the day had been rather draining for both of them, and after all, Naruto had travelled all the way there for a reason - to talk to Sasuke and spend time with him.
They walked side by side for a while. The night was particularly dark since it was a new moon, and while the air was humid, it wasn't cold despite the gentle breeze.
It didn't take long for them to spot their destination, and Naruto quickly connected the dots, which helped him perking up. With a smile, he turned his head towards Sasuke. "You serious?" he asked, ever with that hopeful tone to make sure he wasn't getting his hopes up for nothing.
"Yeah," Sasuke replied, with a shrug of his shoulders. "Unless your old man body can't handle sleeping in hay anymore."
"Hey, I'm not an old man!" Naruto protested, elbowing Sasuke playfully. "I'm still a Shinobi, you know? Granted, I don't really spend as much time sleeping outdoors in the same horrible places as your constant travelling ass, but I'm still used to rough conditions."
"A barn is hardly considered 'rough conditions'," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes.
The barn was dark and mostly quiet since most of the animals seemed to have settled down for the night, only the occasional rustling being heard. Despite having been properly cleaned at the end of the day, the place was expectedly still smelly, but Naruto seemed to pay no mind to it, grinning from ear to ear as he took a nostalgic look around. Sasuke put the lantern down, and together, they found a healthy pile of hay and arranged it so it made a suitable mattress for the improvised 'bed' they'd be sharing, putting some of the covers Sasuke had brought with them over it before finishing with a couple of warmer ones that they'd use to cover themselves. It was considerably hotter inside the barn that it was outside, though.
"Well, we can make a bonfire outside if you want," Sasuke suggested, once they were done. "There are logs in here somewhere that we can use. In case you want to hang out for a while and, well... talk some more."
Naruto smiled at him gently and shook his head. "Nah, we've done enough talking for the day," he said easily. "I think we've already told each other what we both needed to say. Don't you?"
"That depends on the point of view," Sasuke replied, narrowing his eyes at his friend. "If I knew it would make a difference, I'd be glad to give you another good piece of my mind."
In spite of himself, Naruto let out a small chuckle. Then, he reached out a hand towards Sasuke, palm turned upwards invitingly, who looked down at it with a raised eyebrow. "What?"
"Dance with me."
"Dance?" Sasuke inquired, genuinely surprised by the out of the blue request. "We can barely hear the music from here."
"We're not going to dance to that, silly, we'd wake up all the animals," Naruto said, this time being the one to roll his blue eyes. "Come on; do this one thing for me?"
Sasuke eyed his friend's hand for a few seconds before letting out a resigned sigh. Conceding, he put his hand over Naruto's and allowed the other man to carefully pull him close before putting his other hand on Sasuke's waist. A little awkwardly, Naruto took the lead in a slow dance with no particular rhythm at all- They barely left the same place, but Sasuke wasn't going to complain - he knew nothing of dancing, neither did he remember ever having danced this way in his life.
Sasuke's eyes roamed freely over Naruto's calm and content face, unsure if he should find himself curious of the other's demeanour, glad, or simply uncomfortable. It was strange to have Naruto in a mood that wasn't whiny or demanding, and it was even stranger to, for once, not be able to feel the suffocating weight of the man's every want and need. Yes, he could feel Naruto's longing for him, his engulfing love, too, but these feelings weren't trying to eat Sasuke alive and drown him to the point where he almost felt helpless to the point of breaking. It was clear to him that Naruto was pushing down these things so they wouldn't affect Sasuke, though, but even this seemed like such a huge step in their relationship, and one Sasuke was grateful for, and a little impressed by. This was a start for Naruto in proving that, despite his frustration, he was willing to learn and mature in order to accept and respect what Sasuke himself needed.
"You're looking at me funny," Naruto commented lowly, his small smile still in place. "What's going through your mind?"
"Nothing in particular," Sasuke said, monotonously. "It's just fucking weird dancing with someone without the appropriate music."
"You can just think of a song in your head," Naruto suggested.
"I don't know any songs that would be suitable," Sasuke said, sincerely.
"Make one up, then."
"I don't feel like it."
Naruto chuckled. "Gods, you're really insufferable sometimes," he muttered, not without fondness. "I often wonder why I love you."
"I often wonder about it myself."
For the first time since they entered the barn, Naruto's smile faded just the tiniest bit. Without taking his resolute eyes off Sasuke's, the pressed his lips together. "Bastard; I don't wonder about it at all," he said gently, but with firmness. "I never really did, because why would I wonder about something that's been a part of me since forever?"
Sasuke didn't reply but didn't look away either. When Naruto put his arm around him and pulled him closer until their chests were pressed together, he didn't protest, keeping a serious, defiant expression, even if the new-found proximity of their faces made his heart beat a little faster.
"The thing is, Sasuke," Naruto started, breath brushing over Sasuke's lips as he spoke. "No matter what happens between us, good or bad, or how conflicted we both might feel at some point… I won't let you second guess me and doubt me. You simply can't, even if, at times, you might feel like things won't happen and we won't pull this through. You have to believe that we will."
And there Naruto was, ever the optimistic, needing to assert his resolution and needing to, once again, reaffirm his motivations. Sasuke felt like he no longer wanted words of reassurance towards a future that seemed too distant to reach. He wanted to believe Naruto - he always had - but at the same time, his friend had already put so many other things above them and their accomplishments together that it felt like, the more time passed, the harder it would be for Naruto to let go of his growing personal responsibilities and attachments. Which was why, despite Sasuke's efforts to hope and focus on the positive, he could not allow himself to be blinded by his faith in Naruto - he wouldn't.
But it wasn't like he was going to say this out loud again - Naruto had already heard enough of his discontentment as it was for one day, and since the man was making an effort to keep things going well between them, Sasuke didn't want to ruin that by being unnecessarily bitter - he'd had enough, as well.
With a huff, Sasuke cautiously pried his hand away from Naruto's before placing it at the back of his blond head, wrapping his fingers around rebellious locks. It didn't take much for him to lean slightly in so his lips were touching the other man's in a silent but hopefully soothing way that would prevent Naruto from saying any more useless things.
Naruto sighed against him, his heart speeding up at once as he willingly parted his lips so he could move them against Sasuke's in an almost relieved fashion. Sasuke felt Naruto's arms surrounding his body, holding him close, and once more, he gave in to the contact, allowing himself this little indulgence that his body didn't find difficult to accept. It was nice, filled with unspoken things, but controlled. Their feelings were obvious, travelling between them like an electrical force, and yet, for once, it felt good to simply enjoy it all quietly rather than being overwhelmed by things they couldn't handle, and this made Sasuke feel at ease because he was tired of being unable to grab a hold of himself whenever Naruto was involved.
In a way, he wanted Naruto to understand this, which was why he didn't think twice about pressing himself closer until their bodies were in full contact and deepening the kiss by prying Naruto's mouth further open with his tongue. Immediately, Naruto tensed, a swirl of yearning emotions Sasuke could feel flooding him, and yet, Naruto did nothing to instinctually concede to them, instead merely hugging Sasuke closer and responding to the searing kiss. Sasuke couldn't help the familiar feeling of belonging from assaulting him.
Time seemed to have frozen as minutes passed by with them inexpertly slow dancing in the same spot, but neither really cared. Words seemed to have lost relevance to give the spotlight to silence and the tender exchanges of meaningful touches.
To his surprise, the memory of a soft melody filled Sasuke's brain - one he had a few times played on the flute so many years ago, as a child, when his mind had been untroubled by the nightmares that would fill his life. Sometimes he remembered that he used to play in secret - having been taught by Itachi - and missed the wooden instrument that he had no idea where he'd left. He wondered if Naruto ever knew that he had played. He also wondered if, in the present day, he'd be able to play single handily. Somehow, he doubted it, but he suddenly wished he could, so he could show it to Naruto, and Katsuo, too. Maybe even Sarada.
Right now, it didn't matter - he was glad that he had a song in his head to dance to.
000
The next morning Sasuke felt as if he was trapped in a surreal dream where he just went through the motions without feeling anything in particular. He and Naruto woke up at the same time because of the rooster's cry. The animals around them had started to shift for a new day, but Naruto felt lazy and asked to cuddle. Sasuke realized that, despite knowing Naruto would be leaving that same morning and the fact that they had been touchy feely the previous night, right now, he did not share the sentiment at all. Or rather, he had no intention of making things more emotionally awkward than they already were, and frankly, he wasn't in the mood for unnecessary sentimentalism. To his relief, Naruto laughed and merely nodded, even if his disappointment oozed from his aura like steam.
After a while of lying next to each with only their feet touching, and without saying much, they gathered their blankets and few belongings and made their way back to Misato's house, greeting people that were already up and doing their things outside.
Katsuo and the others were already awake by the time they got there, so Sasuke and Naruto hurried up in washing up and changing clothes so they could help with the morning affairs and making food. Sasuke tried to ignore the penetrating way his son's clear eyes followed him everywhere, almost unblinkingly, as if the child was trying to see through him, and he couldn't tell if Katsuo felt curiosity or worry. It was fascinating how sensible Katsuo was to his moods. Sasuke didn't want him to concern himself with affairs that had nothing to do with him, so he pat the boy's head and smiled at him reassuringly, not wasting time in giving him simple tasks to do so he could help the rest of the family.
Breakfast was, once more, a loud occurrence, with Mika making a mess and Naruto talking his mouth off as if it was just another day. Misato and Tori seemed disappointed that he'd be leaving soon, so they kept making conversation with him. Sasuke could feel Naruto's restlessness at leaving, his insecurities, doubts and his sadness, and it didn't help make him feel any better. Sasuke tried not to let his mood get the best out of him, especially for Katsuo's sake, but if he had to explain his feelings, he had to admit that he felt lost.
In his heart, he felt relief that Naruto was leaving, but at the same time, it was as if he was, once again, about to lose an important part of himself - a feeling that never failed to be present.
Parting with Naruto was always like this. He had the distinct feeling of not knowing what he wanted and didn't know how to physically or emotionally respond to it, which made his nerves boil. Sasuke hated that he was second guessing himself, all of a sudden wondering if there had been any point to this meeting at all and if he had somehow been wasting precious time by fucking things up with his difficult attitude.
It was no news to him that these doubts would come to plague his mind now that the anxiety of Naruto's departure was kicking in, but it still infuriated him. No matter how many times he predicted his own feelings and convinced himself that he wouldn't be fucked by them in the end, truth was, he always was.
Naruto, expectedly, seemed to be lazing about as he helped clean up the mess from breakfast and getting the house reorganized - it gave Sasuke a strange sense of Deja vu.
"Naruto seems different from before," Misato commented, as she and Sasuke cleaned the floor of the kitchen on their knees with old rags - they usually cleaned it daily but made the effort of doing a more proper scrubbing once a week. Naruto and Katsuo were outside cleaning the dishes and Tori had already left to work on fixing the roof of an old lady's house. Mika was being changed by her grandmother in her room.
"What do you mean?" Sasuke inquired, not looking up as he soaked his rag in the wooden bucket of water he had beside him.
"Well, he was always good with children, but now he seems different, with a different sort of attitude," Misato said, thoughtfully. "I guess what I mean to say is that it's kind of obvious that he has a… different experience now. Just like you."
It wasn't difficult to understand what she was getting at, but Sasuke didn't comment as he twisted his rag as best as he could with a single hand.
"I just..." She interrupted herself to scrub harder a particular spot before proceeding. "It's obvious that you guys care a lot about each other, but it's also obvious that something has happened between you two, and it's a little unsettling."
"Naruto and I have different paths now, and everything is different from what it was back then," Sasuke grunted, proceeding with his task with a little more energy. "He has his life back in his village, I have mine here and… everywhere else. That's about all there is to it."
"Sasuke, our village may be secluded, and we may look old fashioned, but we know about Konoha, and we know about you and Naruto and who you both were during the war," Misato said firmly, now forcing Sasuke to lift his head up to look into her smart almond eyes. "We're not stupid. We know, to a certain extent, what you've done and who you are. We know who Naruto is. Regardless, we took you in because you are a good man and have a good heart that you put in everything you do. But we cannot help but have the feeling that there are still too many secrets that you keep from us."
Sasuke sighed. "Misato, whatever you think you know about me and Naruto… that's just the tip of the iceberg, and even if I tried explaining it, I don't think I could," he replied, carefully. "There are things that, at this moment, I cannot tell you about. I don't want you think lowly of me, and I don't want you to think lowly of Naruto, either."
"Why would I ever think lowly of either of you?" The woman asked, looking confused.
For a second, Sasuke fondly observed her round, kind features and the way strands of her brown reddish hair had messily gotten loose from the bun at the top of her head. "Simply because," he said.
She huffed impatiently, frowning. Misato looked so young and small, but so strong at the same time even though she didn't have a shinobi bone in her body. "You are part of the family now," she said emphatically. "Naruto is, unfortunately, a visitor, even if we all love him. If you don't feel comfortable talking about things between the two of you, or about Konoha, I respect that. But know that I will not forgive you if you allow yourself to be hurt, Sasuke. Because I know for a fact that no place is a home unless you want to inhabit it. And where Naruto is, Konoha, is not where you want to be, and if you come from there, I don't know why that is. But we're here for you, first and foremost. Alright?"
Sasuke couldn't help but smile at her, not without a slight feeling of guilt burning him inside. "Thanks, Misato."
There were so many things Misato didn't know, not only about Naruto, but about Sasuke, as well. Those people had no idea of who he was as an Uchiha, and no idea of the things he had done because of his clan, but more importantly, they had no idea of the secrets he still kept. To say that he lived a double life was being nice - he lived several different lives. Whether it was in this village, with Taka, Orochimaru, Konoha, Gaara… those were all bits and pieces of himself he had scattered here and there that most people didn't know about, and it wasn't as if he had any regrets or felt ashamed, and neither did he desire to keep them a secret for the world.
It was just that he realized it wasn't something easy to understand by the common people, and he didn't want to justify himself unless it was strictly necessary. One day, Katsuo and everything else would have to come to light, and all the layers of himself that he had hidden would be exposed to all those surrounding him. It could be no other way if he ever wanted to be completely free.
But that day wasn't today, and it most certainly wouldn't be a year from then either.
000
Sasuke and Katsuo both watched in silence as Naruto leisurely packed his things along with the food that Sasuke and Misato had prepared for his journey home. Naruto seemed to be in no rush even though it was almost lunch time by the time he had everything ready, and while Sasuke thought that the delay was excruciating, he didn't want to kick the guy out either. It wasn't as if he wanted Naruto to leave, but if he had to go, he might as well make it quick and painless.
Naruto wanted to take a while to play with Mika and Katsuo, and Sasuke allowed it. Finally, after what felt like endless hours of procrastinating, the man decided to get going. Sasuke felt the sadistic desire to pick on him and ask sarcastically ask if he missed his family so much that he was in a hurry at that time of the day but decided against it and shut his mouth.
Unlike their first joined departure from the village, there wasn't a huge agglomerate of villagers waiting to see Naruto off. Some left their houses as they noticed him leaving, others working outside made their way to him, and children that were playing ran to him to hug him. All of this delayed his departure. Naruto could only smile hesitantly as people told him to return soon.
After a while, Katsuo grabbed Naruto's hand, and together with Sasuke, they both escorted him to the outskirts of the village. The small walk seemed to last for ages.
"You're going to get good care of your dad so he doesn't misbehave," Naruto was saying to Katsuo, in a falsely joyous mood. "And you have to become strong soon so I can teach you some shinobi moves the next time we're together, yeah?"
Behind them, Sasuke saw Katsuo nodding excitedly. Naruto flashed the boy a brilliant smile, but it was obvious that it was nothing but a mask - Sasuke could feel his deep sadness at having to leave without knowing what the next few months would look like.
After a while, the three finally stopped.
A sick feeling made Sasuke's stomach churn at seeing his son lift his arms towards Naruto in a request for a hug. With a smile, Naruto put on knee on the ground and put his arms around the child before pressing a small kiss to his cheek. If before Sasuke had had any doubts that Katsuo liked Naruto, they disappeared with this, and he wasn't sure how he felt about it.
Katsuo then made his way to Sasuke as Naruto straightened up, looking at them without a trace of a smile now. Sasuke caressed Katsuo's silvery hair shortly. "Wait here a moment while I say goodbye to Naruto, okay?"
At Katsuo's nod, Sasuke walked the few steps that brought him close to his friend, the sound of his sandaled feet crushing the leaves and sticks beneath them almost deafening, horribly upsetting for some reason, and yet, Sasuke's calm expression remained unchanged.
"I guess it's no use asking when I'll be seeing you again?" Naruto said quietly, once they were standing in front of each other.
"I was in Konoha just a few days ago, Naruto; I won't be returning anytime soon," Sasuke replied, in an equally low voice. "I'm going to be spending some time here, and then I'll get back on the road. Either way, you keep doing you and aiming for what you want."
"You'll write, though, won't you?" Naruto asked hopefully, both his hands clutching the straps of his backpack. "To let me know what you're up to? And to let me know if you need anything. I swear I'll come to you no matter what."
"Sure," Sasuke said, with a nod. Then, he formally extended his hand towards the man. "Take care of yourself, Naruto."
Naruto eyed the hand as if it were a foreign artefact he'd never seen in his life as he seemed to ponder what to do with it. "Sasuke, you are my best friend, but you are also my lover," he ended up saying solemnly, finally grabbing the hand offered in his and giving it a small shake. "I will wait for you for as long as I have to if that is what you want. Even if you are not mine to own, I am a lover to you, too. Don't ever doubt that."
"If in the future I couldn't take you as my lover anymore," Sasuke started, unable to stop the words from escaping his mouth and squeezing the hand back meaningfully. "Would you still keep the promise you made? Would you still want to leave everything and be with me to the very end?"
Naruto's blue eyes rolled up to meet his but his expression didn't change. "You are you, and will always be you," he ended up saying, softly. "Even if I want things to be different, nothing can replace that, Sasuke, whether we're lovers or just friends. Nothing can replace you. Even if, someday, you find someone else. What I need from you goes way beyond any of these labels and far surpasses my whims. I understand that now. And it's fucked up, and it hurts, but it's okay." He took a moment to take in Sasuke's features. "As long as we're together, it'll be okay."
Sasuke bit his lower lip hard and inhaled sharply. "We'll see when the time comes."
"Yeah, I suppose we will." Naruto leaned in and pressed a sheepish kiss to Sasuke's forehead. Then, he leaned away and slowly released Sasuke's hand. "It was nice being with you, and I'm glad I met Katsuo. Take care of yourself. I'll see you soon, bastard."
With a lump inside his throat, Sasuke could only nod. There was no escaping the onslaught of affection and sadness that Naruto pushed his way through their bond, and yet, the unfaltering strength of his resolution was astounding, too.
Sasuke couldn't predict the future, but through their shared feelings, he could tell that Naruto's words were as sincere and consistent as they could be in his determination.
In times like these, when Sasuke wanted so badly to be able to push away the lust and love in their relationship, he also wondered if it was even possible that a day would come when he would be able to look at Naruto as merely a friend, a brother and a kindred spirit and not hunger for the deeper intimacy. In times like these, it seemed impossible for a day to come when he wouldn't want to forget himself, his morals and his pride to completely give in to the unique decadence of the animalistic want that was theirs alone. Sasuke so desperately wanted it all to stop, and yet, part of him clung to something he knew he wouldn't be able to get anywhere else in this lifetime - maybe not even in the following ones.
Maybe feeling this way was why it was so hard for Naruto himself to let go of the concept of 'lovers'. Maybe anything less than that would simply not allow them to live and cope.
With one final deep breath, Naruto turned around and started walking away, leaving a slightly disgruntled Sasuke watching him disappear with a heavy weight in his chest that took his breath away.
How many more times would they have to repeat this cycle before it was over? How many times would they be forced to part ways not knowing when they'd see each other and under which conditions?
How many more times would Sasuke be forced to fight himself, over and over again?
Swallowing a pained groan, Sasuke too breathed deeply before turning around and making his way towards his waiting son. "Let's go home, Katsu," he muttered, feeling tired and morose, but still trying his best to not to show it. He put his hand on Katsuo's shoulder and the boy looked inquisitively up at him. "Don't be sad, I'm sure Naruto will come visit us sooner than we…"
But Sasuke's voice got stuck in his throat as his eyes found Katsuo's, and for a moment, it felt as though the ground had vanished from underneath his feet.
It wasn't Katsuo's pearly eye colour that meet his gaze - it was the deep, vibrant blue of Naruto's.
TBC…
I swear I wanted to write something kinky, but Sasuke was just NOT cooperating. I wrote about three samples of the start of this chapter with the smut in mind, and it was so, but so difficult for him to get into the right state of mind for sexual intimacy that I had to change things and give it another direction, otherwise I wouldn't be able to write this chapter at all. Please don't kill me! I promise it won't be this way forever between Sasuke and Naruto, but their relationship is… complicated. I don't think I could write it any different if I tried, though. They love each other so much and want to reach out to each other, but their personalities are so different, as is what moves them.
The next few chapters will probably have several time skips and several different things, so I'm excited about it! This story is finally somehow reaching the beginning of the end, even though there's still a bit to go. Katsuo is growing and developing, and I'm so happy to be exploring that as well.
Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter enough. Please don't forget to leave a comment, it means a lot to me to know if you enjoy this story and still want to read more of it.
Also, I'm always happy to know if you guys have a certain scene you'd like to see or if you have any story headcanons for the future! I can't promise to fulfil them, but you'll never know ;)
Thank you for reading, and see ya next time!
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