A/N: OMFG IT'S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR SINCE I UPDATED BUT I'M BACK BABIES!
Well *coughs* I haven't been away exactly since I HAVE been updating my other stories, but well, this fic deserved some love!
I told you guys that this fic needs a certain type of mood and that I often struggle with getting the 'vibe' right. Simple as it may be, this is probably the one fic where my plot ideas clash the most with the characters' drives and thoughts, so I write and rewrite scenes several times before I get the 'desired' effect – that, admittedly, is hardly even anything that I had planned.
It's not as if this chapter is very exciting, but I think it's definitely a preview of things to come, and a necessary end to a new beginning since we'll be having a big time skip in the next one!
A huge thank you to all of you who've been so patient in waiting for new chapters and are still following this fic! To the new readers, welcome, and please, bear with me ^^'
This is not exactly the beginning of the end, since there's still a lot of things left to happen, but after this chapter we will surely start carving a more consistent path towards the closure of this fic, meaning that we will probably be entering a sort of 'Season 2'. I suppose, emotionally, things will lighten up considerably with Naruto's and Sasuke's newfound 'balance'.
This was betaed by the wonderful serenecj who's such a wonderful source of support and a wonderful teacher!
Enjoy!
From Which We'll Rise
Part XXV: Familiar
Kakashi entered the familiar pub feeling an exhilarating sense of joy. It had been ages since the last time he'd finished work early enough to be able to even consider indulging in small pleasures, so this was an occasion to rejoice. Too bad he didn't have suitable company at this late hour, but he wasn't about to complain.
He took a moment to inhale the well-known scents around him of mixed perfumes, tobacco, alcohol and sweat before allowing his eyes to take a quick look around in search for familiar faces. None of his chatting comrades seemed to be around yet, but his eyes landed on an unusual figure sitting alone at the bar - that sleek shoulder-length pink hair didn't belong to someone he'd ever seen there at all.
That was surprising.
Despite himself, Kakashi hesitated, rooted to the spot as he took a few seconds to observe the woman who had once been a cute student. Sakura had obviously dressed up for some reason. Her minty dress was a tight fit on her slender figure and she even went through the trouble of putting on makeup and wearing elegant white high heels.
It still felt a bit eerie for him to see her so grown up - a mature woman in all her prime glory - but he had to give it to her that she had become quite beautiful, even if not in an astounding way. Acknowledging it brought forth mixed feelings of paternal pride and discomfort that he wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to get used to.
Thinking of his students as adults was a daily challenge, yet Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura had all become attractive grownups, figuring life out for themselves. They were all dating, having sex, marrying and having children and no longer needed his guidance along the way - least of all now that he was Hokage and no longer their teacher.
It was unfortunate that time hadn't stopped when they'd all been twelve. The three of them had been so innocent. Yet, even back then, they were already victims of their own conditions as Shinobi, their hearts so easily fueled by ideals and quickly manipulated but adults' wills.
Why did children have to grow up to be tainted by the burden that was adulthood?
Pushing these sentimental thoughts away, Kakashi noticed that Sakura seemed to be by herself. Could she be waiting for someone? Somehow, that didn't seem right.
Upon further inspection of her profile, he noticed that she seemed thoughtful - one could even claim, sad. Kakashi could almost guess what had made her feel this way, but he didn't want to assume anything.
Resolutely, he made his way to his former student, but Sakura was so lost in thought she didn't even notice him as he reached her side.
"Mind if I join you?"
Jumping slightly in her stool at the sound of his voice, Sakura looked up, her minty eyes huge. "Kakashi-sensei! I mean, Hokage-sama!" She said, surprised, before releasing an awkward chuckle. "I don't mind at all! Please, have a seat!"
A manicured hand gestured him towards the high stool beside her. With a polite nod, Kakashi sat down. "You can call me Sensei when we're not interacting formally as our respective professional positions," he said, smoothly.
"Alright," Sakura said with a small smile as she eyed him. "I didn't expect to see you here."
"That's my line, since I do come here a lot when I have free time," Kakashi explained. "Are you waiting for someone?"
This time, Sakura blushed slightly, but her expression remained mostly neutral. "No, I just needed some time to myself."
"And Sarada?"
"She's with my parents."
Sakura didn't seem to want to elaborate, so Kakashi didn't feel like prying too much.
"Hokage-sama!" The chubby, bearded bartender luckily made an appearance, beaming at Kakashi amicably. "The usual?"
"Please," Kakashi requested with an acknowledging nod towards the man, before looking back at Sakura, who was resting her cheek on her fist. "You look too nice for a place like this."
"Thank you, but I didn't dress up on purpose to come here," she said, eyeing him from the corner of her eyes. "I just happened to be dressed up when I decided to go out."
"I see." Kakashi noticed that the glass in front of her seemed to be halfway filled with Whiskey. "I hesitated in coming to greet you, to be frank."
"Why?" Sakura asked, a flash of curious hurt crossing her features for a moment.
"Because you look sad," Kakashi admitted, maybe a little tactlessly since she flinched visibly. "I didn't know if you wanted company or if you'd prefer being left alone."
Sakura didn't say anything for a few seconds. Then she sighed, picking up her glass. "I don't think people like to be left alone, even when they say they want to be by themselves," she muttered, bringing the glass close to her lips. "It's good to know that someone at least cares enough to make sure I was okay. So, you did the right thing, Sensei."
"I'm glad, then." Kakashi silently watched as she took a few sips of the beverage, his mind for some reason insisting on contemplating how mature she seemed to him now. Why hadn't he noticed the passing of time? "By the way, I'm a good listener if you need to talk."
Hearing his words, Sakura released a small, dry laugh. "There's really nothing to talk about."
She sipped on her drink again, her gaze avoiding Kakashi's attentive one now and he couldn't help but consider whether that was true when she had just finished saying that sad people don't want to be alone. For some reason he had the feeling that she wanted to talk, but she probably wouldn't open her mouth of her own accord.
"Sasuke was in the village, today, or so I heard," Kakashi commented, casually. Of course, he had purposefully used past tense since he was sure it wasn't supposed to be known that said Uchiha was, in fact, still in Konoha, and in the company of a certain blond man.
Kakashi always found it amusing how much confidence those two had in their smarts to believe that their shenanigans wouldn't reach his ears. They were wrong, so much so that Kakashi even knew that Sasuke had brought a child with him - his adoptive son, no doubt.
Being a former ANBU member offered Kakashi a lot of perks as Hokage, and one of them was the silence and devotion from his old colleagues. There was certainly intelligence they collected for him that his predecessors could only dream about and their confidence in him allowed him to control exactly how much intel reached the council and what stayed behind closed doors. There was nothing he didn't know about Sasuke whenever he stepped inside the village.
So, yes; right now, Kakashi was fully aware of where Sasuke was, with whom, and doing what, and it was no wonder Sakura was upset when her husband had so obviously ditched her for it.
The way Sakura slammed the glass on the counter told Kakashi he was right. "Yes," she said, curtly. "He came for a visit."
"I'm glad." Kakashi almost felt like smiling at hitting bullseye, but didn't, knowing it would be inappropriate. "It's too bad he didn't stay long."
"Yes," Sakura repeated shortly, tapping her nails on the wooden surface of the counter.
"It must be hard, being married to a man who's always on the road," Kakashi commented, carefully.
"If you know, you should do something about it, Sensei." This time, Sakura turned slightly on her stool to face him, an almost intimidatingly sarcastic smile on her lips. "His daughter will grow up not remembering her father's face because someone can't keep him inside Konoha."
Despite her words, Kakashi smiled back. "I can't do any more than I already do," he said, but his tone wasn't exactly apologetic since he knew Sasuke's leash was actually a lot longer than he made people believe, something the man took full advantage of. "The council isn't comfortable with him around, and you know Sasuke isn't comfortable in Konoha either."
"Right," Sakura said, her eyes fixed on Kakashi, as if she knew he was spouting bullshit. "I just wish I knew what to do to make him feel like he wants to stay longer, you know? It's like no matter what I do he's always out of my reach." She bit down on her lower lip. "Why isn't he… you know… like other normal men?"
Eyebrows shooting upwards, Kakashi considered Sakura's question and how to approach it. He knew she was a very intelligent woman who, unfortunately, allowed her emotions to cloud her judgement and cause her to be recklessly impulsive and insensitive. That didn't mean she wasn't still incredibly smart, so the way she spoke sounded like a trap to him. There was only so much Kakashi knew about Sasuke's relationship with Sakura as a couple other than what was reported to him - since the whole Sarada issue had happened outside of the village - and he knew even less about how much knowledge Sakura had of Sasuke's life. Could this be her trying to trick him into spilling some beans?
Or was she, somehow, trying to goad Kakashi into talking about Sasuke in a demeaning way? Or maybe she simply wanted him to expose him as a person - his desires, his motivations, his thoughts, perhaps even his sexuality with that talk about 'normal men'?
It was kind of sad, but also very amusing.
To think that Sakura could love someone like this, knowing it wasn't reciprocated, and still insisted on pushing forward was sort of inspiring, as much as it was crazy. That she wanted to dissect Sasuke's every layer yet still didn't have a clue on how to reach him was heartbreaking, but it wasn't exactly Kakashi's place to interfere and expose Sasuke's feelings and decisions for him. He wouldn't do that for Sakura or anyone else - not even Naruto.
The three of them were his precious students. Regardless of his own personal thoughts about each of them, in front of them he needed to remain neutral but helpful enough to each of their individual needs without going to the extent of meddling in.
At that moment, the bartender placed a small bottle of sake in front of Kakashi as well a small ceramic cup. He thanked the man before picking the bottle up.
"Sasuke's not a 'normal man' and his life was never a 'normal' one," he chose to say vaguely, pouring himself some sake. "What is a 'normal' man to you?"
"I don't know," Sakura snorted. "A man who wants a stable family life, sex when it's offered to him. A wife who'd do anything for him. Friends. A normal roof over his head. Perfectly normal things that he doesn't seem to care about at all."
Despite himself, Kakashi felt like laughing, at the 'sex' part. Sasuke didn't really seem to fit in any spectrum as far as sex or sexuality was concerned, even if he did seem to know where he stood as far as Naruto was concerned, but even this was debatable.
It was still unfortunate that Sakura wasn't that lucky, and the Hokage couldn't help but feel sorry for her.
"He's too complex for simple things like that, Sakura," Kakashi muttered, with a shrug. "And maybe, too simple to ask for that much. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want these things but perhaps he envisions them in a different way than you do."
"Simple?" Sakura snorted again, rolling her eyes. "Oh, he's simple alright. His interests are easy to spot."
This piqued Kakashi's interest. It was unexpected that Sakura would be so cleverly blunt about this. "Is Sasuke not interested in sex?" he dared to voice what she was hinting at, and this time, her blush was deeper as she had realized that she had said something far too revealing.
"I didn't mean it that way, I… I don't want to talk about it," she whispered, more to herself than to him, looking down at her lap as her lips formed a pretty pout.
Of course she wanted to talk about it, Kakashi noticed, perceptively. She had been so strangely vocal about getting married to Uchiha Sasuke and having his child, so proud - one might even say arrogant - that it would be very humiliating to suddenly complain about him or their married life to friends, least of all female friends.
It was clear Sakura needed a confiding shoulder to lean on, and while Kakashi wasn't sure how much help he could provide, the least he could do was pick up on the small clues Sakura dropped and follow their tracks. Even if she couldn't tell him everything, what little she did might offer some kind of comfort.
However, it was difficult finding an answer to something like this. Kakashi's speeches were always well thought out, his words always vague but considerate, wise enough to strike a chord but not invested enough to try and force an impact - he'd already tried and failed many times with those three and he was done with it.
For a brief moment, he wished that life was simpler and that team seven could just bond easily and be a family without so much crap getting in the way. Still, considering everything they had gone through, together and apart, he acknowledged that it wasn't a simple wish.
"Sakura, no matter what you think, Sasuke cherishes you, but in his own way that is not 'normal' compared to other men," Kakashi chose to say, with a small sigh. "He will not love you the way you want him to, simply because that's not who he is. He will love you his own way, and I think that letting him be himself is the best way for you to get inside his heart."
This seemed to hit Sakura the wrong way because she flinched, frowning at him as if he had somehow offended her unexpectedly.
"I don't want him to 'love me in his own way', why does everybody keep saying that to me?" She snapped, angrily, but mindful enough to not be loud considering the many people at the bar. "I just want him to be my husband and fuck me as breezily as he fucks other people! Is that too much to ask?"
Kakashi could only blink at her in silence.
Well, that had been… surprising to say the least, and the fact that Sakura was looking at Kakashi unapologetically, almost challenging him to judge her, told him she had needed to vent about that specific, very intimate thing. While the man wasn't shy about these sorts of issues, for some reason he felt strangely uncomfortable at her choice of words - on both Sakura and Sasuke's behalves. For the first time, Kakashi felt genuinely curious about his two students' relationship.
They had been together for months outside of Konoha, and Sakura had gotten pregnant, too. Did they have some sort of quick fling that ended badly which resulted in Sarada's birth? Did Sasuke merely indulge Sakura by having sex with her one time and was now left with the responsibility of having impregnated her? Did they truly have an arrangement or was Sasuke just fulfilling his role while Sakura was still fantasizing about things she couldn't have?
Whatever had happened and how, truth remained that the person Sasuke was in love with was Naruto. So while Kakashi wanted to ask, he couldn't dare to - all replies would just show an unfortunate outcome, he was sure.
"You don't mean that," Kakashi muttered, giving in to the impulse of reaching out to her and placing a hand over Sakura's on the counter. "Sakura, sex isn't a triumph over anything, and it's more painful than rewarding if you do it for the wrong reasons, with the wrong purpose. I doubt you ever want sex with Sasuke to feel like it was a mistake."
"I doubt anyone he fucked feels like it was a mistake," Sakura grunted. She looked down at Kakashi's hand over hers, contemplating it for a few seconds. "Why am I the only one who doesn't know how to love him the way he wants to?"
"Sakura…"
"Never mind, Sensei," Sakura cut, with an annoyed pout. "I didn't mean to be crude, I'm just exhausted and I feel completely useless at the same time."
"You're none of that," Kakashi said, reassuringly. "You're one of the most capable women I know; you just need to put your energy into things in a different way. I'm sure you'll get there, eventually."
She threw him a look and snorted softly before smiling. "At least someone believes in me."
"I always have," Kakashi assured, smiling back. "I wouldn't have been your teacher otherwise."
Lowering his mask, Kakashi picked up the small ceramic cup in front of him and downed his sake, feeling the welcomed burn that spread all the way from his throat down to his stomach. With a content moan, he put his mask back up and reached for his bottle of Sake again, stopping himself when he felt a gaze piercing through him. He looked to the side to find Sakura looking at him wide-eyed and almost slapped himself mentally for his stupidity.
His students had never seen his face and now he had carelessly exposed it without a second thought.
Still, Sakura's sudden burst of laughter pushed his disappointment away. At least that had lightened up her mood for now.
"It was you!" She said between giggles, placing a polite closed fist over her mouth. "You're a terrible person, Sensei!"
Kakashi could only guess what she was talking about, and still, he couldn't help but smile a bit. "Well, don't tell the others until I'm dead," he said, playfully.
000
By the time Kakashi had dragged Sakura's drunken body home, the bar had closed and the streets were deserted. He considered taking her to her parents' since Sarada was there, but he wondered what it would look like to them. Granted, he was Hokage and Sakura's former teacher, but it would still seem unfitting if he showed up at their doorstep carrying their sleeping daughter in a tight dress bridal style on a night where she clearly wasn't exactly herself. Taking her to his place was even less ideal, so he guessed he could always carry her to her own place quickly enough so that no one would notice.
It didn't matter who he was - if he was seen entering Sakura's and Sasuke's home with her in his arms the rumors would be hard to contradict. Still, he believed himself to be stealthy enough to make sure they weren't seen. Sakura wasn't heavy so he was sure it would be no hassle.
As he decided on which course of action to take, he wondered if it would be appropriate to go through Sakura's purse in search of her keys, but luckily, while circling the house, he found that the window of the living room was unlocked, so he wasted no time in opening it and climbing inside.
The house was dark and eerily quiet and the place was completely unfamiliar to Kakashi, who felt a strange sort of sadness hit him at the realization. Why had he become so distant from his students?
Things seemed to be clean, even though it was kind of messy here and there with baby stuff scattered about. There wasn't a lot of furniture, but it was definitely more composed than Kakashi had expected.
Sakura was snoring softly in his arms, her head resting against his shoulder. Her hair smelled nice, of some kind of fruity shampoo. In a bit of a daze, Kakashi wondered if he should just leave Sakura on the sofa in the living room but decided against it because she was sure to wake up in a knot the next day. He didn't really feel like intruding too much, yet had no choice if he wanted to find Sakura's room.
Resigned, Kakashi searched for the location but it quickly became clear that it wasn't in the ground floor, so he decided to try the upper floor and all the while, the woman he was carrying slept soundly as if nothing could possibly disturb her heavy slumbering.
To his relief, Kakashi immediately found a room where a double bed could be seen as well as a crib. The moon filtering through the wide windows offered enough light as he carefully made his way to said bed and laid Sakura down, gently letting her head fall over the decorative pillows.
No way in hell would he try to remove her clothes, but he was mindful enough to take off her shoes at least, setting them neatly under the window.
With silent steps, he made his way to the wardrobe and slid the doors open, quickly looking for some sort of blanket, which he did find rather easily. However, for some reason, this didn't deter him from trying to rummage through it a bit, maybe more out of morbid curiosity than anything else. As expected, even if there were several feminine clothes, he couldn't find a single item of clothing belonging to Sasuke.
With a small huff, Kakashi tucked the blanket under his arm and slid the wardrobe's doors closed. Feeling a little upset at several things he didn't want to think about, he couldn't help but to head to the commode next to the bed and cautiously opening the drawers, one by one. There were baby clothes, sweatshirts, underwear (Sakura's) but again, no trace of Sasuke's belongings. Sure enough, Kakashi hadn't touched the stuff inside the drawers, but he knew he didn't have to because he wouldn't find anything.
If there was one thing he was sure of, it was that just as Sakura had made sure to display the Uchiha crest all over the outside of the house for everyone to see, she would've also arranged Sasuke's things in a way that would expose that he lived there, that it was his home. Only there was nothing to expose, really. The only thing she had of Sasuke's there was probably Sarada, and that damn crest that seemed to have been stamped on every little thing around the place.
Heaving a sigh, Kakashi made his way to the bed where he gently covered Sakura with the blanket before sadly looking down at her sleeping form.
Sakura had downed drink after drink at the bar, and at some point, some things had slipped out of her mouth carelessly - things Kakashi had suspected but that had been confirmed by her bluntly honest drunken state.
Sasuke had already admitted to Kakashi, himself, and Naruto that his situation with Sakura had somewhat been arranged and that Sarada had been an unfortunate slip. No matter how much Kakashi had wished that things had been different for them, Sasuke was not a man to give his heart away easily.
It wasn't enough to just be loved and the walls he had established between himself and Sakura were painfully high. Arranged or not, their situation could've been less strained and a lot more companionable if only Sasuke would just accommodate to the idea that they could actually be a family.
But Sasuke was… Sasuke. Unfortunately for her, Sakura simply did not understand what it took to love someone like him.
Kakashi couldn't blame her, though. She had been hopelessly in love with him for years, and all she wanted was to be loved and desired in return, which was perfectly normal.
Only it wasn't that simple when it came to Sasuke.
At this point Kakashi berated himself for having taken Sakura's side when it came to this. Why had he tried to make Sasuke see her and respect her feelings? It was as though the more he was forced to see her as a lover the more he closed his eyes and the bigger the distance he put between them.
Kakashi should've known already that Sasuke would always be the one to close the breeches between himself and others if and when he saw fit - with whomever he saw fit.
Kakashi was, by now, more than aware of Sasuke's motivations. Even if some things remained a mystery, where his heart belonged was far from it.
Sighing again, Kakashi shook his head from side to side. It wasn't as if he condemned Sasuke's and Naruto's feelings for each other. He knew that, at this point, what they were doing was detrimental to both of them as well as the people around them, but he also knew that, twisted as it all was, there was no way around it and all he could do was have faith that sooner or later things would fall into place as they should.
Even if it was cruel and hurtful to others, the hard truth was that what they had was probably the purest, most genuine form of love any human being could ever hope to experience. It was both primitive and soulful, and something he was sure was as painful as exhilarating to them. As much as it annoyed him to admit, he wouldn't ever dare to try and tamper with it. This wasn't simply something one could deny them, and both Hinata and Sakura understood this.
Still…
As he reached out a hand to run a knuckle over Sakura's forehead, Kakashi couldn't help but think that it was all so absurdly sad. All he wanted was for the people he loved to be happy and he hadn't even been able to give them that.
Where had he gone wrong?
Heaving another sigh, Kakashi moved to sit on the floor with his back against the side of the bed. The only thing he could do now was watch over Sakura as she slept just in case she would throw up in her sleep and needed assistance.
Abandoning his precious people in times of need would never be something he would ever do.
000
When Sasuke woke up, he found Naruto sleeping soundly next to him on the not so big double bed. It was a good thing they had somehow managed to clean the main room up a bit and put their clothes back on after the heat between them had subsided. Truth be told, he barely remembered heading to the bedroom and getting in bed between Naruto and Katsuo; he had fallen asleep like a rock almost instantly. He supposed being a shinobi had its perks, especially when it came to getting used to basically sleeping anywhere as long as there was a surface to lie on, no need for pillows or comforters, which meant that feeling the softness of a mattress once in a while was a gift his body couldn't help but relish in.
Sasuke was laying on his side, facing Naruto, who was in a similar position, facing him, as well. Katsuo was still apparently sleeping soundly, his back firmly snuggled against his. The warmth he could feel coming from under the covers was a source of comfort unlike anything he experienced on a daily basis.
It was barely morning, the first rays of sun barely noticeable, filtering meekly through the window. Apart from Naruto's soft snoring, it was perfectly quiet, alerting him that it was too early for even birds to be chirping.
For a moment, Sasuke was struck by a sense of complete peacefulness and contentment, as if nothing else existed but that unfamiliar room where he lay with Naruto and Katsuo in that unlikely setting that he had so longed for. To him, this alone was a kind of perfection that was so stupidly humble, yet so heartbreakingly difficult to achieve.
Eying Naruto's slumbering features, Sasuke refused to sink into negative thinking, not when, for once, his heart had been able to speak louder than his mind and ego.
Sleeping unguardedly like this, with his lips slightly parted and a rather silly look on his face, Naruto seemed much younger than he was.
Running his eyes over his friend's features, Sasuke couldn't help but smile a bit. There was blond stubble forming on Naruto's skin, and a thin string of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth and onto the pillow.
This trusting fool, Sasuke couldn't help but think, his heart filled with fondness.
How easy would it be, under different circumstances, to proclaim words of love on a daily basis? Sasuke had always considered disgusting the habit that couples had of constantly saying 'I love you' to the point of it sounding plain and meaningless.
However, now that he thought about it, perhaps it made sense. Naruto said it to him so many times, each and every single one of them with meaning, as if saying it provided some sort of relief, as if it was an outing to the feelings piled up inside.
Most of the time, Sasuke felt too angry at Naruto and himself when they were together. It wasn't as if he felt the love any less, but the concept of 'love' alone made him feel upset all the time and he had no way of channeling how he felt in a way that made sense to him.
Still, when he wasn't angry, or frustrated, those feelings were mostly blissful, and so purely raw that he almost - almost - felt like expressing how he felt.
He swore to never tell Naruto those words again, but as with everything in this life, that promise could prove meaningless. Sasuke intended to keep it unless the day came when he didn't have to anymore.
With a small sigh, Sasuke reached out a hand to run the knuckle of his index finger over Naruto's jaw tenderly.
What did 'I love you' mean, anyway? Did Naruto ache for those words as much as he ached for physical intimacy with him?
Regardless of what Naruto wanted, it was nothing but a whim. Words were just words in the end when compared to the fact that they could physically sense how they felt for each other and Naruto knew, very well indeed, how Sasuke felt for him. The never ending thirst was mutual.
He hadn't been able to admit it to himself, but fuck, it was clear that Sasuke needed everything that happened the previous night; maybe not the sex per se (even if it was true that he hadn't had any for several months), but the feeling of simply letting go and not thinking about anything. Sasuke had thankfully been able to shut his brain down and allow his body and his mind to just go with what it needed.
In Naruto's presence, his heart and soul had been so full of emotions and so hungry for completion that he honestly believed that not even his unfaltering stubbornness would've been able to stop him this time.
He hadn't felt the need to stop, so he simply hadn't. There were no regrets to be had. Sasuke's longing had been so strong he thought he might suffocate unless he did something about it.
Looking at Naruto's sleeping form, he vaguely wondered if sex between them always felt amazing because they had become good at it, or simply because they loved each other. The level of desire and attraction that pulled them to each other was unmeasurable, and the way they felt when they touched and connected wasn't something he could rationalize if he tried - as if every caress and every kiss was old and familiar, yet completely new. Sasuke had some basis for comparison, but really not that much. Karin and Juugo had been excellent lovers, the sex had been pleasurable, but Naruto was…
He couldn't even understand if Naruto was inherently good at it or if the way they fucked just clicked with Sasuke to the point where it simply didn't matter. Naruto was passionate and impulsive, eager and mindless, always so greedy yet giving, insatiable. No matter how much Sasuke was desired and wanted by others, it was never quite as impactful as it was when Naruto wanted him.
It didn't matter who fucked whom - they both enjoyed both sides of the coin more for emotional reasons than physical, and it never failed to be amazing. Still, no matter how many times they did it or how, Sasuke didn't understand how they managed to know each other's bodies so absurdly well.
Offering his body mindlessly certainly had its perks, Sasuke considered, smirking softly. Granted, Naruto did the same. Sasuke was always amused by the duality of Naruto's possessive manliness when he wanted to top and his incoherent desperation when he wanted to be fucked.
Their bodies adjusted to each other just perfectly, so that was something, too. Like… keys and their respective keyholes.
Sex was always simple and easy between them - all it took was a certain eye exchange, a certain touch or a certain word and their bodies responded to each other like some primal chemical reaction and it always felt fucking great. It seemed as if the older they got and the more in tune with their feelings they were the easier it was to let go of their inhibitions.
They hadn't fucked in years, but somehow, they had never been more comfortable with each other.
Sex could be just sex, but it never was just that when it came to them, no matter how dirty it was or how horny they were. Sometimes, Sasuke wished it was just something physical - things would be so much easier - but it was so much more than that. It was because Sasuke liked it when they fucked that his emotional side became an even bigger mess.
Sasuke took a sharp intake of breath and closed his eyes, feeling his heart swell. Last night things had gotten blurry after a while. He remembered how his own lust had exploded unexpectedly to the point where his body couldn't seem to get enough. He knew he had fucked Naruto too, remembered the rapid beating of his heartbeat, remembered the pleasure and the way his body seemed to pulse restlessly with both their agitated feelings, avidly, and how suffocating the heat had been.
Everything had been such a mess and they hadn't stopped until it became simply painful to keep going. It wasn't like they had fucked for hours, but the hype had been too strong and had lasted for too long, their bodies unwilling to calm down until it became impossible to keep going.
Sasuke had to wonder if it would always feel like a novelty if they had the chance to do it on a daily basis.
He also wondered if he would feel this wave of comfort every morning if he had the chance to wake up next to Naruto every single day.
Not wanting to waste time fantasizing about worthless things, Sasuke heaved a small sigh. Like everything between them, he was starting to realize that it was easier to feed on these moments and move on afterwards than to hold back and feel like shit afterwards. Well, not that they wouldn't feel like shit about other things, but at least he'd gotten something in exchange.
Right now, he didn't want to think about the next day at all when this one was so blissfully uncomplicated that it made all the other insurmountable obstacles between them seem fickle.
Quietly, Sasuke allowed himself a few minutes to watch his best friend sleep. They'd have to return to reality soon, but for now, this contentment could be enjoyed just a little longer.
000
Naruto didn't like to think that time was always scarce whenever he and Sasuke were together, but unfortunately that's how it was between them. There was nothing he could do, no matter how he felt about it - after all, he was partially at fault.
It was a difficult day to breathe - especially after he and Sasuke had managed to finally release the binds that kept them away from each other - and it was hard knowing that this familiar, almost romantic scenario would be short lived.
Sometimes, Naruto was taken aback by how in love he still was. A few years had passed since he'd been on that journey with Sasuke, and the distance between them was always long, the times when they were apart stretching like endless roads - and still, Naruto was hopelessly drawn to his best friend. In fact, he felt it hard that morning like he hadn't in a long time.
Of course, one could blame it on the post coital hocus-pocus that turned his long lost lover into someone more beautiful and sexier than ever in his eyes. Perhaps it was that feeling of utmost bliss and relief after such a long time of holding back. Maybe, it was also the fact that, even though his personal memories had become unclear at some point, his guardian clone's memories sure had recorded everything to the very last detail, and frankly, it was driving Naruto crazy.
When he had dispelled the clone the night before, the images had hit him but he hadn't given it much consideration, too mentally and emotionally exhausted to care before he had fallen asleep in Sasuke's arms, but waking up fresh and calm, it was unavoidable that his brain would go and summon all the things he had previously stored in the back of his mind.
And boy, that was as much of a delight as it was complete hell because he had never in a million years expected that he and Sasuke would look like that together. Naruto simply couldn't stop thinking about it.
In fact, he knew he wouldn't for a few days - weeks if he was unlucky enough - and that it would be troublesome for his daily life.
Morning with Katsuo and Sasuke wasn't anything new since they had gone through the motions already when Naruto had visited what he now called 'Sasuke's village'. Granted, since it was just the three of them in that small apartment where everything was at hand, it was considerably quieter.
Even if Naruto had woken up slightly disturbed by both his raging hard-on and the fulfilling feeling of completion of having Sasuke next to him, he thought he did a pretty decent job pretending that he was just fine when all he wanted to do was jump out of his own skin - or preferably, jump Sasuke.
When he woke up, he had found Sasuke watching him. At first, he was filled with affection and had wanted nothing more than to cuddle and kiss him first thing after waking up, but as soon as everything else hit him like a flash of light, he instantly knew that it would be a terrible idea, least of all with Katsuo sleeping right there.
It's not like it was a bad feeling at all, he was just so happy and overwhelmed that it was embarrassing. Handling his own feelings was hard, and adding into the mix his own memories along with his clone's made it almost unbearable.
In different circumstances - if it was just him and Sasuke - he would've probably grabbed Sasuke and made sure they stayed in bed all day doing all sorts of interesting things; for sure his unsettling hunger would subside, eventually.
As it was, he ignored Sasuke's inquiring gaze and immediately got up with his heart racing inside his chest, quickly making his way to the bathroom. Thankfully, jerking off and a cold shower helped him calm down a little, but that didn't mean he felt any less horrified at himself.
When he left the bathing room with a towel wrapped around his waist, he was grateful to be feeling a little less on edge. Sasuke and Katsuo were already busy preparing breakfast together - Sasuke was cooking while Katsuo seemed to be setting the table. Naruto tried not to think about how much use that table had last night, and was thankful that they had somehow been mindful enough to properly clean it before heading to bed.
The gods help him, all of that had been fucking amazing.
Sasuke had put on a white t-shirt and a pair of black shorts, and looking at his back, Naruto felt torn between the purest feeling of familiar love, and an unquenchable desire that made his blood boil and his insides quiver.
"You're so horny you're going to get yourself pregnant," a deep, disgustingly mocking voice inside Naruto joked. "Get your shit together; you have stuff to do. The kid needs you."
"I don't need you to tell me, Kurama," Naruto thought, rolling his eyes at himself. "Be quiet."
"I don't know what you were expecting, though," Kurama proceeded, almost arrogantly. "Only a dumbass like you would have his own clone watching himself have sex without anticipating it would be a feast."
'A feast' was an understatement to Naruto because the images he had of himself and Sasuke having sex were absolutely breathtakingly hot. He had, of course, been aware that the two of them were intense, but the sort of desperation he had seen was unlike anything he had ever imagined - it was fast, deep, possessive and dirty. The gods help him, he and Sasuke were fucking filthy and it was fucking erotic and embarrassing beyond reasoning.
That wasn't the most unsettling thing, though. No matter how hot the sex had been, what truly moved Naruto was that - even if it was clear that they had both been there, doing it, perfectly aware of each other - they had somehow disappeared at some point. It wasn't a physical thing, but almost as if they had reached a point where they were so immersed in each other that everything (even themselves) dissolved and they just fused, over and over again in perfect sync.
That sync was revealed in the way they touched, the way they moved, how swiftly they shifted positions, how their mouths always found each other at the same time, how they softly moaned together, how their breaths mingled, how they held onto each other and worst of all, how their eyes looked at each other, as if there was literally nothing else.
Naruto knew very well how Sasuke looked at him in that type of situation, but hadn't taken it in properly because he'd been too lost in his own ecstasy.
But now he was taking it all in, and it forced feelings out of him he wasn't ready for, because it was impossible to look at them together and not think something like 'they love each other'.
It was almost like something out of a cheesy novel. Disgusting and embarrassing but also absolutely enchanting. Somehow, it made him feel proud and unique, and he was aware that it was an arrogant thought process, but no less truthful.
Even if none of that was news to Naruto, it was… suffocating to witness it in such a way. It made his heartbeat faster and his cock beg for attention, his whole body on fire.
Admittedly, he had not thought about it when he had summoned the clone, but now he felt a wave of regret. For the first time in a long while, he realized why saying 'I love you' never seemed to offer much comfort - it wasn't even close to enough.
Vaguely, he wondered if they were that obvious in the eyes of others and if their feelings were so transparent as they had been while they fucked. Somehow the thought was terrifying, but then again, maybe it was the reason why Hinata had conceded in allowing him to be faithful to his feelings for Sasuke while married to her. Iruka had been perceptive and understanding of this as well.
Naruto had always been very possessive of Sasuke and had never tried to hide it, even before they had become lovers, but somehow it was daunting that others could possibly see the inevitability of their connection in such an exposed way. It didn't make him feel scared but strangely protective of something that was supposed to be theirs alone.
"You're hopeless," Kurama said, groaning at listening to his thoughts. "Just run away with him already and save yourself the torture."
"You know it's not that simple," Naruto muttered, blue eyes longingly raking over Sasuke's elegant figure, so frustratingly ideal in those plain clothes and homely scenario. "Not anymore."
Kurama heaved a sigh. "It's physically painful watching all of this, brat."
"Then don't. "
At that moment, Katsuo finished setting the table and noticed him. He cracked an odd smile and made the hand gestures for 'good morning'. Smiling back a little sheepishly, Naruto mimicked the hand gestures and then added a few more to indicate he was going to get dressed.
He had to get his shit together if he wanted to make it through the day.
000
Katsuo, as expected, was as good of a student that day as he'd been the day before. It was a welcomed distraction for Naruto, who was too busy teaching to think about Sasuke, even if the man was sitting right there across from him.
Katsuo picked up on things fast and was an inherently curious child, pointing at pictures in books so Naruto would show him how to say them in sign language. Naruto could tell Sasuke was actually pretty proud - and impressed - by his ability to express himself so openly now that he had the means to.
Even if Katsuo's body didn't allow him to formulate certain facial expressions, and even if there were things he still didn't comprehend, he seemed fairly interested in a few drawings Naruto had shown him from a children's book about various emotions and the facial expressions related to them. Katsuo already understood things like stubbornness, happiness, sadness and physical pain, but other emotions, due to his young age and Sasuke's protection, were still a mystery to him. To the best of his abilities, Naruto tried to simplify things for him using both sign language and practical explanations, and Katsuo was very attentive.
Instead of listening to the lesson, this time Sasuke sat next to Katsuo writing down a few things on his precious notebook that seemed to have gotten even more worn out in the last few years. From what Naruto could see, his notes had nothing to do with what they were doing, and even if Sasuke's eyes only looked at Naruto once in a while to take in the signs he was showing Katsuo, it was clear that he was listening intently despite his focus on something else.
Leave it to him to be able to multitask intellectually like this, Naruto mused. Either way, he tried not to pay too much attention to Sasuke or he'd lose his focus all over again.
After a busy morning learning, more to keep himself busy than anything else, Naruto suggested that Katsuo's hair could use a haircut since the tips were already reaching the middle of his back.
"I like his hair long," Sasuke said, thoughtfully. "But it would be nice if you could trim it a bit, especially his fringe."
"What do you think, Katsu-chan?" Naruto asked, turning to the boy sitting across from him. Katsuo, whose attention had been on the images of a book in front of him, raised his head so he could look at Naruto inquisitively. "Sasuke likes your long hair, but we could cut more so it's easier to take care of. Maybe a little above the shoulders?"
Katsuo immediately looked to the side, to Sasuke, as if silently asking for his permission.
"I don't mind either way," Sasuke said, smiling at his son in a simple, yet warm way that was very unlike all of his smiles that Naruto knew.
Katsuo nodded once and looked back at Naruto, using his hands to show Naruto how short he wanted - which happened to be a lot more above shoulder length.
"You sure?" Naruto insisted. Katsuo nodded again, excitedly. Sasuke rolled his eyes and Naruto had to laugh.
"While you guys play hairdresser, I'm going to get us some snacks," Sasuke announced almost boringly, closing his notebook before getting up.
Grateful for the short break, Naruto got up as well in search of a pair of scissors and a worn out comb that he found in a cabinet in the bathroom. Once he found them, he grabbed a towel and went back to the main room, where he sat on his heels behind Katsuo, who was still flipping through the pages of the book curiously. After placing the towel over Katsuo's shoulders, Naruto carefully combed the boy's hair to get it even, marveling slightly at the eerie silvery glow to it. Katsuo's hair was fluid and strong despite how easily it billowed whenever he moved, yet it wasn't exactly soft to the touch. Regardless, now that Naruto noticed it, it was undeniably beautiful.
This wasn't something he had previously taken notice of, nor something he thought about. Naruto had no clue about Katsuo's condition when Sasuke had taken him under his wing, but when he had met him, the child had seemed spooky - with his vacant white eyes, thin and fragile frame and his struggling to express his feelings through facial expressions when his own muscles seemed to fail in getting the task done. Katsuo had been cute, but more resembling a broken doll than an actual child.
Still, even if he didn't speak, his progress was astounding. He was stronger now, more active and outgoing and certainly more expressive. His facial expressions were becoming more coordinated from day to day, and it was clear that he was a very intelligent child because he picked up on things at an impressive speed. Having somehow decided to adopt the color of Naruto's eyes for the time being, he was achieving a healthy 'normalcy' as far as his physical looks went. Right now, Naruto could say that Katsuo was a pretty kid, and would most certainly grow up to be a strong, handsome young man.
It was almost nostalgic, how quickly time seemed to pass, causing so many things to change, Naruto thought, remorselessly grabbing the whole of Katsuo's hair in a fist and cutting it off completely.
"Sas!" he called out, grinning and showing the strands of hair in his fist. "You want to keep this as a memento of your kid's first real haircut?"
Sasuke, who was by the kitchen counter, looked over his shoulder with a frown. "You're heartless," he said, making a displeased face. "Just get it over with without rubbing it in."
Sasuke looked away, back to whatever he was doing. Grin fading, Naruto had to wonder if Katsuo wanting to cut his lovely hair so short had hurt Sasuke's feelings somehow.
"Ah, I should've put a rubber band on it before cutting," Naruto mumbled, placing the strands on the table a little dejectedly. "I could always get you a box to keep it or something?"
"Never mind," Sasuke said, with a sigh. "Just don't throw it away."
"I won't; it's right here."
Katsuo, however, seemed completely disinterested in the hair as he proceeded to check the book out. Once in a while, his small hands would practice the gestures he found. His focus resembled Sasuke's, but that wasn't unexpected since, surely, the man was the boy's role model for practically everything.
With a small smile, Naruto resumed his task of trimming Katsuo's hair. He wondered whether the kid's affection for Sasuke had been acquired with time or if he'd immediately understood that his life had been saved and improved thanks to that man. He liked to believe Katsuo to be smart enough for the latter to be true.
Not long after that, Sasuke returned to the table, kneeling next to Katsuo with a plate of sliced apples that he placed next to the boy's book. Katsuo helped himself without looking up. Naruto gazed at Sasuke from the corner of his eyes, noticing the man grabbing for a slice himself and putting it in his mouth in a relaxed demeanor.
Not for the first time, Naruto was struck by the agony that this feeling of comfortable familiarity brought. His heart sped up without his consent as his body seemed to stubbornly heat up.
Did Sasuke feel this insufferable way all the time as well, but was simply better at hiding it?
It was because Sasuke's energy was just as strong, just as longing that caused this chemical reaction between them, so of course Sasuke wasn't internally fine, but his flawless poker face was sometimes really frustrating.
"Sasuke," Naruto started, in a murmur, blue eyes focusing on his careful work on Katsuo's hair. "I don't want to be too explicit because Katsu-chan is here, but… have you ever wondered about how we look when we're… you know..."
He felt Sasuke's face turning to him, easily catching up on what he was referring to.
"I haven't considered it, no," Sasuke said plainly, while chewing on his bit of apple. "But I'm sure at least you don't wonder about it anymore."
Despite himself, Naruto blushed as the memories of the previous night assaulted him, yet, he tried to keep his features as calm as he possibly could. "Well, it sure does wonders for one's libido I'll give you that."
Katsuo unexpectedly looked over his shoulder at Naruto, inquisitive blue eyes on him. He gestured with his hands. What's that?
Was he asking about what 'libido' means? Naruto almost smiled.
"It's nothing you need to know at this point, but I'll tell you when you're a bit older," Sasuke immediately intervened. Katsuo looked at him, seemed to pout a little but shifted his attention back to the book. Sasuke's gaze landed on Naruto's then. "Is that why you're so fussy today?"
Swallowing hard, Naruto went back to cutting the boy's hair, looking away from his friend. Of course, Sasuke would notice. "I'm not fussy; it's just hard to not think about it and not… react when I think about it," he admitted, feeling a little shy. "I'm glad I have the privilege, but at the same time it's deeper than just the visuals and I sort of… wish I hadn't seen it, in a way?"
Sasuke let out a knowing, rather low chuckle. "Was it that good?"
"What do you think?"
"I think I'm glad that I don't have access to such imagery," Sasuke said, reaching for another slice of apple. "We're leaving tomorrow, by the way."
"Already?" Naruto protested, making a face at him. "But I haven't taught him half the stuff I…"
"Kakashi knows I'm here, and so does the ANBU," Sasuke interrupted, reasonably, causing Naruto's eyes to widen. "They trail my every move from the moment I enter Konoha, so they know I didn't leave for good. They know we're together, too."
Stopping everything he was doing, Naruto just gaped at the other man as Sasuke took a bite of the bit of fruit. "What?"
"Naruto, you underestimate Kakashi's intelligence, and you're a fool to think that he doesn't know about us," Sasuke said, shaking his head from side to side condescendingly. "I could easily have tricked the ANBU but they'd know and turn that against me, so I find it easier to just allow them to know what I'm doing, since it stops them from putting unnecessary information in their reports, especially because of you. Still, it's better if I don't lurk around too much; there's only so much tolerance allowed and so much they can cover on their own without having to tell the council."
Naruto couldn't believe it, but more than anything, he couldn't believe his own ignorance in believing that they were hidden and protected - that this was their secret.
Of course it wasn't. Of course Naruto could only get away with so much before shit would start to be questioned and of course, no matter how powerful they were, they had been doing things in a rather… amateurish way.
Still, as Sasuke had said, it was all for the best - they were safer if there were people out there that knew about them and not having reasons to suspect than to do everything in hiding and raising unnecessary suspicion, especially of Sasuke.
"I… I understand," Naruto whispered, once again, looking away from Sasuke and running his fingers lovingly through Katsuo's now much shorter hair.
In a way, Kakashi, and ANBU knowing about them would mean they were indeed protected - their activities, their whereabouts, everything they did would be carefully omitted so as to not raise unnecessary scandals.
It was somewhat reassuring.
"Don't freak out about it," Sasuke said, seriously, perhaps misinterpreting his expression.
"I'm not freaking out at all," Naruto assured him, shaking his head from side to side. "I don't mind ANBU knowing, or Kakashi-sensei knowing, but it's not like I want to discuss it with him."
"If he wanted to meddle in he would have done so a long time ago."
"I guess." Naruto shrugged his shoulders. "It doesn't matter. I don't care who knows."
"You should," Sasuke retorted, throwing the rest of his apple piece into his mouth. "We're both married men. If you want to become Hokage you need to keep your image of the hero and a good, proper citizen rather than a homosexual betraying his wife and kid who is having an affair with his professed best friend. Because, regardless of how we see this, that's how people will inevitably look at us if things go out at this point."
There was no denying the blunt truth of those words, but Naruto could only shrug his shoulders again, working the scissors and comb on Katsuo's hair automatically to give it a more rebellious rook rather than a straight cut. It's not like he was a pro at this, but he'd cut his mates' hair on missions enough times to not fuck up too badly.
Of course he was scared of losing everything if this type of scandal came out, but at the same time, denying Sasuke's importance in his life wasn't something he would ever be capable of doing - his overwhelming emotional attachment and his pride wouldn't let him - so it was a duality of interests, he supposed, and he was backed against a wall with no possible escape.
He'd already decided long ago that he would take things as they came, regardless of whether they were bad or good, and this situation with Sasuke had been caused by him and demanded by him as well, so there was no way in hell that he would take a step back if things went to shit because he'd decided that it was worth it. No matter what, it was a thought he'd hold on to.
"I told Iruka-sensei," he confessed, surprising himself at how casual the words had come out. "About the two of us, I mean. I didn't plan on telling him but I had to let some things out and… well, we didn't talk openly about it, but he made me see that he understood my feelings and didn't judge my… sexuality or whatever." Naruto smirked a little. "I thought he would yell at me on my family's behalf or something, but I think he saw something in me that stopped him, so…"
He could feel Sasuke's eyes on him, intense and calculating, but he could also feel the other man's cautiousness, indicating that he was being rational rather than impulsive.
"No one else knows, apart from the obvious ones," Sasuke eventually said, words well thought out, almost as if he was trying to be placating, reassuring. "You have your marriage properly established, so it's not like anyone will even consider us in this kind of situation."
It was almost endearing, and Naruto could feel the weight in his heart lifting.
"Sasuke, I don't worry about that at all," he said, finding the strength to grin at his lover while exchanging a brief look with him. "I never hid how important you are to me and this is no different. If something comes up, people will interpret it however they want and that's not something that scares me."
"Right." It sounded purposefully unconvinced. Sasuke was silent for a while, his energy changing and becoming a mixture of hopeless longing and a dark sort of anxiousness that was a deadly giveaway to a mood swing. "We're taking the books and notes you have, if that's not an inconvenience."
Leave it to him to change the subject when his emotions became conflicting. Naruto almost heaved a sigh but chose not to. "Of course not."
"And I think you should go home tonight," Sasuke proceeded, his tone having become slightly morose. "Yesterday was something we both needed, and I'm not going to lie and say I don't want to do it again because it's been years and I do but… you need to go home to your family, have dinner with them and sleep next to them. Hinata surely suffers when you're not there to help her with the baby."
In a way, Naruto had expected this after this type of conversation. Sasuke knew he didn't lie to him - there was no way he could - yet there was always a part of him that preferred to rely on his pessimistic perspectives, and he couldn't blame him.
Before, he would've countered Sasuke's words with something like 'don't tell me to do something when you should be doing it, too', but now, he just waited.
"I want to tell you to stay but I won't because my own selfishness would end up frustrating me more than not sleeping with you tonight. You know how I feel, I don't need to tell you what I want and what I wish I could have," Sasuke elaborated, noticing that Naruto wasn't replying to him. "This was good for us, Naruto. I felt free with you like I haven't in a long time, so I want to leave unburdened by negative thoughts and feelings of guilt, not related to us, but related to your family. I think it'll always be worse to part if we insist on this honeymoon chaos, so… please, do as I say."
Rather than fighting, Naruto merely nodded. He was relieved that Sasuke seemed to be leaning more towards the positive feelings he was experiencing now rather than the insecurities their conversation had brought up. This was an indicator that, for things to end up well, he shouldn't be contradicted and Naruto, disappointed as he was that he couldn't be with his friend and Katsuo for the night, would abide by his wishes. It had taken a while, but he had truly embraced the fact that it was easier for them if he respected Sasuke's space and his emotional needs instead of forcing himself in - after all, he had already been giving what he needed the night before.
"If that's what's best for you, I will do as you say," was all Naruto said, calmly.
He could feel Sasuke's slight surprise at his easy acceptance, and amazingly, Sasuke's defensive energy seemed to recoil.
"Thank you," he said, softly, and for some idiotic reason, the low tone he used made Naruto's face catch fire.
He would most certainly die of frustration before they could even start getting their relationship fixed, that was for sure.
TBC...
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