Howdy! So I have been gone a few years. Had some life stuff go on and quit writing. But I am finally starting again, and am going to finish this story! But it has been like 3 years and my writing style is a little different now. So I am starting from the beginning. I am going to quickly ish re-write what I have already done, and then continue it/finish it! But here is a re written chapter 1! Hope you like it!
I can't breathe. My hands are shaking so hard I can't even grab the counter to steady myself. The entire world feels like it is spinning around me. I have been hyperventilating for so long that I am actually starting to get lightheaded. Yet I still can't get the thoughts to stop circling my mind. They keep going round and round as they fill the corners of my mind with every worry that I can possibly come up with. It feels like everything in my life is collapsing around me.
I have had severe anxiety that has led to panic attacks for years, yet every time I have one, it still feels like I am dying. The horrific pain in my chest always makes me worry that I, a 16-year-old, am somehow having a heart attack. Granted, I do basically survive off coffee and stress, but I generally don't think I have any heart issues. Instead, it is just the rush of adrenaline and panic that make my chest feel like it's going to explode. And I somehow, even after years of therapy, still manage to not do any of my coping skills to try and calm them down. I stand in the bathroom, gripping the sink, staring at my face in the mirror, trying to pull myself together. But the thoughts don't stop coming.
*They are all going to find out it's you*
*Everyone will leave you*
*Your mom is going to kick you out*
*It was a mistake*
*Your dad is never going to talk to you again*
*You're going to be made fun of by everyone in school*
*This was an incredibly iodic idea*
I cannot help but be terrified that someone would realize it was me. They will find out I was the one who posted it, and my life will be over. I have no idea why I did it. For some reason, I just woke up today and felt like I couldn't keep it in any longer. Today, I finally posted on Creak secrets Tumbler: the most popular gossip sight that runs through Creekwood High, my high school, that I was gay. Granted, I didn't mention my name or a sliver of my identity. But still, it was out there that someone in the school was gay, and anyone could find out it was me who posted it.
I finally can calm breathing enough to walk out of the bathroom and flop down onto my bed so I can continue staring at my post.
I often feel so incredibly alone. I know I am not alone; I often have people surrounding me, but I am not sure they truly see me. Sometimes it feels like people are just like a house with vast rooms and tiny windows. Others can only see this small section inside of you, but there is an entire area and space that no one else will ever look at. They will get too used to the places they can see and never want to look further for what could be hidden in the corners. It's why I am so scared to come out as gay. I am pretty sure no one knows; no one can see through my thoughts to actually see what's going on inside of me. And I am terrified someone will look too far in and hate what they see.
I could tell my mom or dad I don't know how to even begin that conversation. I have no idea how they will react. My mom's Episcopalian which is pretty much catholic but without the pope, and my dad is Jewish, but I don't really think either of them really follows the whole hating gays because of religion thing. So, I don't think they will actually disown me or anything; I am just terrified it will completely change how they see me. I also know that I could tell my best friend, Garrett. I know that he would still be my best friend no matter what, he probably wouldn't care in the slightest that I am gay. He would make some stupid joke about wearing socks at all sleepovers with him, making himself laugh. I know I could come out, and it would probably be fine. But the idea makes me anxious and causes all the illogical thoughts to start swirling around my brain. I slam my laptop shut in an attempt to stop thinking about it. To maybe stop staring at something that is triggering my anxiety. It is kind of shocking, for once I'm listening to Amber, my therapist, and taking a step away from the things causing me panic.
At least I did make one giant step toward coming out today. I look at my clock and realize that I have been sitting here thinking for so long that I will be late for school. I grab my bag and run out the door. I drive as fast as I can, thankfully, without getting pulled over. I luckily make it to English just as the bell rings.
I head straight for my seat with my head down. I can feel the drips of sweat falling down my temple, and I can hear my heart beating a million miles a second. I can feel the rush of panic I always have entering this classroom. I have always loved English and have done well in it. However, I can't stop thinking about my post. Anytime someone looks at me in the slightest, I wonder if they somehow know it is me. Anytime I see someone whispering to their friend, I can't help but think it's about my post. I spent the rest of the class not listening to a single word about the analyzation of Hamlet, instead stuck in my own head thinking.
I finally hear the bell ringing letting me go to my next class. Luckily, I have a free period, and I leave and sit in my car. I hook up my iPod to my stereo, crank it up and sit there listening. Then it occurs to me to check the tumbler to see if anyone has responded to my post. I am scrolling through all of the posts telling me how brave I am and past the ones telling me I'm a fucking f*g. Then suddenly, I run past one that cates my eye. All it says is "THIS" and then has an email address under it. I start freaking out. I know that this means someone related to my post on a deep level. I can feel all the anxiety from this morning creeping back up, making my stomach flip. But I try to shove it down, and suddenly I feel myself typing something back. I am emailing him. Again, for the second time in one week, even one day, I feel like I am falling into an abyss, losing myself to a stronger, more confident person.
Dear anonymous person on the internet, I don't know where to begin. I'm not really sure this is an actual email address, and I'm also not sure you're a real person. But in case you are real, hello! I'm the original poster from creeksecrets thread about the vast houses and tiny windows and shore worth swimming to. I'm re-reading what I wrote there, and I can't stop cringing, so I'll start by apologizing for that. I'm not usually such an abuser of similes and metaphors. Anyway, I'm not sure how to interoperate your comment, but it sounds like you identify with part of what I wrote. Maybe? Even if not, I'm glad you commented. It made me feel less like I was shouting into the void, so thanks for that. And since you left your email address, I assume you're ok with me writing back. Though, I can't believe I'm actually writing to you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about your comment. I guess I'm thinking it could be nice to talk to someone who can relate to how I'm feeling. No pressure, of course, but feel free to write back if you want to. I don't want to use my real name, but you can call me Blue.
Carefully I re-read what I wrote. Nothing that would make this person able to figure out who I am. I quickly go to Gmail and created a new email account: bluegreen118 . I decided to make it close to my name, Bram Greenfeld, and my birthday, 1/18. Something familiar but not too incredibly obvious. I quickly rescan the email, paste it to the new account, and hit send. I pray that I am doing the right thing. At the same time, I know this is another massive step into coming out. I realize I've been staring at my phone for over fifty minutes, and I rush back to the building to not be late for class. I finally hear the last bell ring, freeing me from the everyday exhaustion that school supplies me with.
I get to go to soccer practice, something I genuinely enjoy. I reach the field, and it instantly sets my entire body at ease. The feeling of the wind hitting me and the smell of freshly mowed grass has always been one of my favorite things. I reach the rest of the team, already practicing, and I jump in after getting an epically stern stair from the coach. I'm lucky he didn't make me do suicides for being late. By the end of our practice, I felt utterly exhausted and, at the same time, better than I had felt in days. Soccer has always had that effect on me.
When in my car, I see a notification from my Blue email. I realize it is the same guy. Every ounce of calm I had gotten from soccer flew out the window, and my heartbeat kicked up, leaving me in a perpetual state of panic. Shaking, I slowly clicked open the email; I then started to blush and felt as if my entire world was being lit up by fireworks. I am not the only one. Someone else out there, at my school, in my grade, is just like me. Keeping this enormous secret inside just like me.
Hi, Blue!
Wow, I'm actually kind of flipping out right now, because I seriously didn't think hear from you. I'm so glad I checked this email account! Wow. Ok. First of all, thanks for your email and also for your Tumblr post. I really liked it, Blue, and it wasn't cringe at all, I promise. So, do you go here (here meaning CHS)? I do; I'm a junior. And I'm a guy (are you a guy?) Anyway, I could relate a lot to your post. Like, pretty much all of it, but especially to the part about being gay. I'm not out yet, either. I guess a part of me wants to be, but a part of me's likeā¦. No. It's hard to explain. I don't know. Maybe you get it. So, yeah, it's really nice to meet you! This is kind of cool, right? Even writing this email makes me feel eleven times less alone.
- Jacques (not my real name, bwahahaha-two can play at this game)
I decided to take my time with this one and email back later. I slowly slide my phone back into my pocket and drive away.
