I'd say I do well in school. I generally get straight A's. I have this dream of going to college in New York, either Columbia or NYU. I honestly just want to get out of Georgia. So, to be able to do this, I have to do well in school. Kill myself studying, do all the homework well, and listen to my teachers. But for some reason, now all I can think about is "Jacques." No matter how hard I try to sit there and focus on my homework, he keeps popping into my head. All I want to do is email with him. So, clearly, I had to blow off my homework to work on emailing Jacques back.
Jacques,
Eleven times less alone? That's oddly specific. But I know what you mean. Anyway, wow. Hi. You wrote back. I'm really glad you liked my post. Now I'm actually happy I put it out there. I have to admit, it's strange writing a somewhat personal email when we don't know each other's identities. Though, in a way, I guess that makes it easier. I am a guy, and I'm also a junior at Creekwood. I think you're the first other gay guy I've met here. It's pretty surreal to be talking to you (in a good way, though). I wonder if we know each other in real life. I think I understand what you mean. I feel like I'm consensually going back and forth on wanting to come out. I have these moments where I'm almost bursting to tell people – of course, that was when I posted the thing on Tumblr. But I always feel so weird about it a few hours later, and sometimes I'm instantly relieved no one knows yet. What about you?
-Blue
Even though I have no idea who I am talking to, and I know next to nothing about them, I feel oddly entranced by Jacques. When I read his emails, I can almost hear him talking to me, even though I don't know what he looks or sounds like. I know that knowing him could lead to a colossal mess, but I can't help but think about him all the time.
I have known Garret since I was six. We first met at a summer camp when we were five, and somehow, we have managed to stay friends since then. I know when he is depressed, anxious, and in love, and of course, he knows the same things about me. Which is why I shouldn't have been surprised when Garret started asking me questions about the "girls" I like. I guess I have been acting happier these past few days after talking to Jacques. It just feels so amazing to talk about everything with someone else. Yet, I am still surprised when he comes up to me asking if I'm in a relationship on Friday. I have no idea what to say to that. Yes, I have been talking to Jacques for a while now. Although I have no idea if what we have is a relationship or not. "No, of course, I'm not in a relationship Garret. I would tell you if I was." He looks at me for a second before responding
"Good, because I wouldn't want to accidentally go for her too."
"Not a problem," I say under my breath. I feel my phone buzz against my leg. I instantly reach to grab it to see if it's Jacques. No, it's my dad calling. I immediately press decline.
My parents started fighting when I was seven years old. I used to hide in the back of my closet when it got particularly bad. They always used to make each other completely miserable. I can barely remember a time when they weren't fighting. I found out they were getting a divorce when I was ten. I knew what this meant. My friends had divorced parents. It would mean I would have to see one of my parents a lot less. It also meant I had to do two of everything. Sounds fun, right? Two birthdays, two Thanksgiving, and Christmases. We'll let me tell you, it sucks. Having your parents not be able to stay in the same room together and always have to hear them bitch about each other completely sucks. Accept having the two birthday cakes were nice. Now my dad lives in Savannah with his new wife, Gabby. Ever since my dad got married, I rarely got to see him. Even though it is still awkward to spend time with him, he's my dad, and it's weird to have to be apart from him all the time. Now he always expects me to drive up there to visit him, which is why I have been avoiding his calls.
Suddenly I feel another buzz. Probably just my dad leaving a message, I think to myself, but I can't help but look. My head goes into overdrive when I see it is Jacques. I quickly logged into my email to see what he said.
I mean, let's be real, eleven is the best number, which is perfect because we're both in eleventh grade. WOW. And I can't believe we're both juniors. I bet we do know each other, which is weird to think about. What if we're actually enemies in real life? Do you have enemies? I don't think I do, not really. Though I guess various random people low-key annoy me. It's not even their fault. Some people just have really punchable faces. (FYI, I'm actually a really nonviolent person. Or more like I'm a violent person who doesn't want to hurt anyone, so I have to resort to fantasying about punching people. It's very complicated. To be honest, usually, I just eat my feelings.) It's funny, for me, it's actually not so much that I go back and forth about wanting to come out. It's like I simultaneously do and don't want to be out. Which I pretty freaking exhausting, honestly. Like I'm in this constant state of JUST SAY It and NO NEVER. Do you think that ever ends? I don't know; maybe I'm just a really indecisive person. So, what kind of stuff do you like to do after school and everything?
-Jacques
I have no idea how he does it. Every email he sends makes me smile. I'm standing in the school parking lot right now, holding up my phone and grinning like an idiot. That is when I realized Garret was still standing there, continuing to babble. Which makes me feel like a shitty friend for not listening to a thing he said. I reluctantly turn off my phone and go out for food with him instead.
