Horror movies are amazing. That is a definite fact. One of my earliest memories is walking in on my parents watching Psycho. I've always loved how unpredictable they are. Yes, there are the movies where you know everything that will happen, but then again you are always surprised. I love the adrenalin pumping through my vein's. The feeling of this mortal terror mixed with complete excitement. For me, nothing else compares to the rush horror movies give you, at least not until Jacques. Every time I see his name pop up on my screen I feel my heart beat instantly pick up. My hands get sweaty instantaneously and I feel as if I have won some huge prize. I get that terror existed feeling that only horror movies give you. I've only been talking to Jacques for a little less than two months, yet, I am completely irretrievably in love with him.
Well, Blue, I don't want to assume anything here, but I'm kind of getting the vibe you were one of those kids who sniff school supplies. No judgment, though. School supplies are so crisp and hopeful, it's true. It's such a shame we have to ruin them with school. Okay, I'm calling it. Best school supply: the compass. Remember those? The circles I drew with that thing was as round as hell.
Not a beagle! But I guess I shouldn't tell you what kind of dog he actually is, with the anonymity thing and everything. Not that I really expect people to know my dog, but you never know. I'll just say he's bigger than a Chihuahua and smaller than a Great Dane. That should narrow it down, right? I'll definitely give him a hug from you, though he is solidly passed out and snoring. On my bed, too. What a jerk. I'm gonna go spoon with him now.
-Jacques
I can just imagine him lying on his bed hugging a dog. It's a nice picture. Every email I get from him just makes me fall harder for him. I'm so deliriously happy I have no idea what to do with myself, so, like the idiot I am, I just stand there in the middle of my room smiling and hugging my computer. I want to know who he is! I want to lay on the bed next to him, talking for hours, and hugging his dog. At school, I can think about is Jacques. I zone out of all of my classes and just imagine meeting him for the first time. Whenever I imagine us together I always see him as Simon. I guess because I've had a small crush on him since I moved here. All I want to do is kiss him. I can't think about anything else. I keep coming up with these little scenarios in my head where I tell Jacques who I am and then he says who is, then we both just run out of our classes to each other and have the most amazing kids. I know I can tell him who I am. I am terrified he will reject me. That thought wills me with this moral dread. I don't think I would be able to take it if that happened. Then I know we won't have some perfect storybook ending.
Suddenly Garret is right there in front of my face. "Hey Greenfeld, tonight my house hours of video games." I start thinking of an excuse to get out of it, but playing video games in Garret's basement drinking Dr. Pepper is something I know how to do, and I know I haven't been a great friend to garret since Jacques. "Sure, sounds great," I respond. I love Garret's basement. He has the most amazing game chairs. They are brown leather and spin all around. Of course, they are pointed at his seventy-two-inch flat screen TV. He even has a full game area with arcade games and pinball. Then there is this little kitchen with a popcorn maker and a fridge. I would give anything for a house like this, instead of mine. My house is one of her smallest ones in Shady Creek, my mom can't afford a better one. But hanging out in Garret's basement is close enough. We spend the next few hours playing pointless video games. I have very little interest in video games, but it requires little to no thought and is a welcome distraction. I end up just spending the night on his couch. I quickly email Jacques back before I fall asleep.
Jacques,
Your dog sleeps in your bed, and I am so jealous. I think my vision for the perfect future is basically a king-sized bed with a husband and a dog. Anyway, I am not usually up this late (IM A NERD. SHH. I KNOW THIS), so this will be a quick email. I'm sorry! I just wanted to write back today. Also, I have another question for you. Most embarrassing moment. Go.
-Blue
I can see from here that garret is also still up. For a moment, I think about telling him everything, about how I am gay and in love with some guy over email. I want to tell him and I know he will be completely fine with it, I just have known him for years and telling him a secret of this magnitude is extremely hard. So, I just give up and decide to go to bed. At some point, I will tell him, and my parents. I have to come out some point. Maybe I will just wait till college. I am dreaming of going to Columbia, and I being openly gay in New York and Georgia is much different. But, I know I should come out sooner, I'll find a time.
