Yesterday was Simons birthday, like usual people from our group brought in a cake, and we had to wear hats to be able to get a piece. Really anyone would go to any level of embarrassing things to be able to get a free piece of cake. It was hard not to stare into his eliminating eyes the whole time. I hate how shy I get around him, it would be so much easier if I could just talk to him like everyone else. But instead, I'm a stammering, shy, read cheeked idiot. But at least his birthday is a pretty good reason to be able to stare at him for a little without anyone noticing.
Other than that my day was extremely normal. It's a sad thing that being harassed by Martin regularly is now normal. But I mean there are worse things that could happen. Worse things have happened. Ive worked through, well am still getting through worse. Two years ago, my freshman year of high school, we had a school shooting. It was the reason why I switched to Creekwood the next year. My mom didn't want me to stay, and I guess I didn't really want to face it again either. I couldn't go through those halls again, not without seeing it all again.
It was two years ago. It has now been two years and it still affects me. I still wake up in panic attacks some nights, covered in sweet, terrified out of my mind. It took a year to be able to get my triggers under control, and even now they still happen. I still panic a little and flinch when there are loud noises. I get emotional when I hear police sirens. I will get quiet whenever I see a school bus. I get flashbacks when I see a flashing light, or hear any walkie-talkies. I am still scared when Im in loud public places. Everything from it still effects me. It's weird, after about a month or two everyone else kind of forgot. They just expected me, and everyone else to be okay. It had been long enough, that we shouldn't be affected anymore. But honestly, this is something that will follow most of us through the rest of our lives.
No one here knows. No one but Garret and my family. But neither of my parents talk about it, they just ignore it and act as if it never happened. I a lot of the time think they actually forgot that it did happen. But I guess I've also gotten really good at hiding it, at never showing that it affects me. At pretending like I'm fine. I think Garret knows it still is apart of me, and I still have triggers. Bad ones, that cause panic attacks a lot. But we don't talk about it either. I know I can go to him with it. But also it's hard, it's hard to talk about. Especially with people who weren't there, who don't understand it. Other people can sympathize with me, and feel bad. But they don't really know. They don't know how bad it really was. So I just don't talk about it with anyone. I don't have friends left from my old school. So there is really no way I can. Garret is the only one at school who even knows. I haven't even told Jaques about it.
It's just easier for no one to know. Then they don't have to worry or look at me differently. It's easier this way. And I have done a pretty okay job at taking care of myself with it all. I completely rejected therapy. So I'm my therapist. I can figure out pretty easily now what's bothering me, and know how to get over it faster. Plus, distractions are extremely helpful. So Jaques really has become a kind of lifeline for me. He even makes the trauma easier. Because now when scared I can go to my thoughts about him, and that instantly sets me at ease. He is starting to make me okay. Just talking to him is giving me hope of being okay again. And that is something I didn't think I would ever be able to get.
