Chapter Six: Darkness or Death
Twilight Town: Outside the Old Mansion
Riku
"How about we ask Namine?" Roxas inquired. His facial expression appeared withdrawn—it was as if his body was present in the moment, but his mind had not come along with it. When he spoke, he looked through me. I knew it wasn't his intention to disregard me or my presence, but it was clear his thoughts were roaming off elsewhere and that something was troubling him. I was sure it had to do with Sora and the current circumstances, but I couldn't place exactly which part of it all was causing him such visible distress.
"Namine?" I pondered. "She tried to use her powers to help us when Sora first disappeared and it didn't work."
His presence seemed to be bringing itself back into reality as he spoke. "No, I know." He paused for a moment, seemingly gathering his thoughts. "I just thought that maybe she might be able to do more now that all of this is happening to me. Like…maybe something changed."
"Oh, yeah…I guess I didn't think of it like that. Maybe we should be reinvestigating old leads in case anything is different now," I suggested. Before Roxas had mentioned such a possibility, I hadn't even considered it, but I did everything in my power to contain any of my feelings in an effort to withhold any more hope than I'd already allowed myself to have since meeting Roxas again. It is always better to expect the worst, but get the best—not the other way around.
"I think a good place to start would be reaching out to her," he stated, matter of factly.
I nodded. "Right. Let's go."
Roxas shook his head, reaching into his pocket. Out of it, he pulled his Gummi phone, completely tailored to his liking with a customised checkered black and white case. I had forgotten this was something a lot of people were doing now. My Gummi phone still looked completely generic, but it worked just like new and that's all that really matters. "This is so much faster."
I chuckled. "Yeah. They're really convenient. Props to Chip and Dale. It's nice not to have to traverse worlds to get a hold of different people."
It didn't take long for Namine to answer. After only a few rings, Roxas' phone screen lit up with the image of porcelain white skin, light blue eyes, and hair so blonde it was nearly white. Everything about her features was so delicate and so soft—she looked very much like Kairi, yet not the same at all. She possessed some sort of look of gentleness that was unique to only her. Over time, I had truly grown such a soft spot for her. When we first met, the circumstances we found ourselves in were too complicated to get to know each other properly, but when everything settled down and she found her own body outside of Kairi, I had come to know her better than most other people had. Even before that, her beauty had always been breathtaking. Unlike Kairi, her counterpart, Namine did not have the same confidence within herself—she had no idea how beautiful and stunning she truly was. Despite the circumstances, it was delightful to see her face again, even if only virtually. The camera couldn't do her the justice she deserved, but I supposed that for now, it would have to suffice.
"Hello, you two," she said, her voice as soft as all of her other features.
"Hey, Namine." When Roxas spoke to her, I could see his eyes visibly light up with excitement. His face was plastered with the first genuine smile I had seen come from him since we had met again. She smiled back at him in such a way that she looked just as overjoyed as he did. Their emotional connection was apparent and to be expected—they had originated from Sora and Kairi, after all. Still, seeing them exchange glances in such longing ways sent my stomach into knots. Although I never acknowledged it or acted upon it, Namine made me feel some sort of way that no one else could, not even Kairi. It was true that at one point, I had feelings for Kairi, but it eventually subsided when I realised Sora was the only one she had eyes for. He'd always captivated her and all of her attention; I was secondary. Now, it felt like the same thing. Somehow, I'd developed secret feelings for Kairi's counterpart, and, of course, she had her sights set on Sora's counterpart as well. It only made sense for it to work out that way, but, still, it stung even though I wished it didn't. Sora wasn't even here and somehow, in a way, he still got the girl. I chuckled at the thought, partially out of self pity. Regardless, establishing a love interest wasn't at the top of my priority list.
"Roxas. Riku. Are you alright?" she asked, concern written all over her face—but mostly directed at Roxas rather than me.
"We're great," I interjected. "We were just hoping you might be able to help us if you have the time and are willing." Had it been anyone else, I'd be much more direct and persistent, but I couldn't have such a demeanour and attitude with her.
She nodded. "Of course. What is it?"
This time, Roxas answered. "I've been having some really weird stuff happen to me. I don't know what it means or what I'm supposed to do."
"What is happening?" she questioned.
He went on. "Well, all of a sudden, Sora's keyblade is spawning for me at random. I can't control it. But…now, I am seeing him in my reflections and a bunch of other places out of the corner of my eye. Do you think…maybe he's trying to talk to me?" That statement made my heart skip a beat.
She took a moment to think, looking particularly troubled. It was an expression that I had seen too many times from her, but one I was never quite sure how to alleviate. Since I had first met her, a part of her somehow always looked…sad. There was no other way to describe it. Even in the happiest of moments, she had this melancholiness within herself and her persona, even if it was subconscious. Some moments it showed more than others—and right now it was plain and clear. I wondered if Roxas noticed it the way I did.
"You okay?" Roxas asked, his tone of voice presenting itself ever so softly. So, I guess he noticed just the same as I did. I was no better at reading her than he was. Maybe he could do even better than me with the connection they were born to have.
"Hmm…" She sighed. "Why does your heart ache so badly, Roxas?"
"H-huh?" He stuttered. "I was asking about you. What do you mean—"
She shook her head, holding her hands together in front of chest, almost as if she was just about ready to say a prayer, but it was simply just another one of her mannerisms that I'd come to learn…to love. She spoke, but, again, it was to Roxas only; I was merely a witness to the conversation, a measly bystander at best. "I can feel it," she stated.
"Oh…" He trailed off, looking toward the ground, looking embarrassed, ashamed even, but I couldn't understand why.
I inserted myself back into the conversation. "Is there something else you haven't been telling me?" My question came out more aggressive than I had intended, almost as if I was being unnecessarily accusatory, but he didn't seem to notice—and if he did, he didn't show it or care. I truly was coming from a place of concern more than anything else. Unfortunately, I didn't know if that concern had more to do with Sora's wellbeing than his and the thought of that made me feel a bit guilty. If I cared about Sora, then I supposed I'd also have to care about Roxas by default.
He shook his head, verbally denying my question without speaking a word.
"You're afraid," Namine said matter of factly. "Why?"
Afraid? Before he could answer, I tried to piece it together within myself, trying to understand where his mind was. My thoughts and intentions had been completely invested in Sora and truly, I hadn't taken much more than a few seconds to try to consider Roxas' feelings—my main concern about how he was feeling was if it was a reflection of Sora. Somehow, I'd managed to forget that he had his own heart, his own feelings, his own body…his own experience. "Roxas?" I cued him to answer.
He sighed. "I'm scared of what's gonna happen to me."
I tilted my head, riddled with confusion. "Meaning what?"
"All those years ago…" he trailed off for a moment. "The fake Twilight Town." He looked up at me, his eyes filled with both despair and a slight tinge of resentment. Even if he didn't speak it aloud, I could hear loud and clear what he was thinking. I had everything to do with what happened to him back then—I had aided Ansem in putting him through such unforgivable trauma, but, still, he'd managed to forgive me as much as he was able. Still, as he stared at me, looking into his saddened eyes was, as always, a perfect reflection of Sora's—and right now, it felt as if Sora was the one peering at me with such sorrow and hurt. It was like a dagger to my chest, but one that I deserved. I couldn't find words to speak. He continued, "His keyblade started coming to me and I had no idea what it was. I didn't know how to control it. Had no clue what all of it meant. Then I'm being told I was never supposed to exist." Namine looked down, appearing very ashamed and distraught by the statement. "And suddenly, when I look in the mirror, I'm seeing someone I don't recognize. When I look down at my body, it's not my own anymore. Before I knew it, I had to fade away so some boy named Sora could wake up. Everything that's happening is the same, only now I understand it. I've done this before. So now I can't stop thinking…what if Sora can't come home unless I go away again? Maybe…maybe that's part of why I didn't tell anyone right away. I don't really know what I was thinking." He paused, taking a deep breath. "But what I do know is that Sora always came before me. So if I have to go away so everyone can see him again, I know what I have to do. I'm just scared of the unknown. I don't know if I should be saying goodbyes."
Namine's face fell, her posture along with it, giving away the sadness and hurt she was feeling for him. Whether or not they had any sort of connection was irrelevant; no matter who you were, I couldn't blame her or anyone for feeling so deeply sad for Roxas after hearing him speak those words. I felt more angry with myself that I hadn't even connected the dots on my own; how did I not think of it myself? The answer was simple—it boiled down to my selfish ignorance. I had one goal in sight and anything outside of that was an afterthought, if anything at all. I had treated Roxas like he was secondary, merely a vessel to get me to Sora before anything else.
I decided that my response was a necessity in this situation; validation from me, Sora's best friend, might be comforting. He needed to know that he truly did matter, to hear it from someone who loved his counterpart more than anyone else. "Roxas," I began. "You think that Sora is more important than you? Do you think all of us feel that way?"
He stared at me blankly. "I know you definitely feel that way. You showed me that much when you tried to take me down at The World That Never Was just to get him back. I know where I stand," he said coldly. Just as quickly, he seemed to shake it off and go back to normal. Then again, was his "normal" just a facade to make me believe that the past no longer mattered? It seemed as if that was the case. "I mean I don't blame you," he said, seeming as if he was trying to recover. He shouldn't have to feel that way, but I knew that I put him in that position and it was my own fault, not his. "Sora was here before me. I came from him. He's the real person of the two of us. I just got lucky enough to be able to coexist with him. I know that's not how it's supposed to work. So, yeah, if it comes down to it, he comes first. Naturally."
I shook my head, looking down at the ground. "No, Roxas. You are your own person. There doesn't have to be one but not the other. Not any more. We made sure of it. Even if it came down to anything like that, which it won't, we would still find a way to make it work. We would never do that to you."
Namine nodded in agreement. "Yes, Riku is right. Just like me, you have your own vessel now—your own heart. Kairi and I exist together just fine since the same happened for me. We are still connected to Sora and Kairi in many ways, but no longer by our bodies. Everything is separate now. That can't change." She sounded very confident in her words, which was also a relief to me, because the truth was, I had no idea how all of this was supposed to work. Everything was so unfamiliar and unknown; no one could ever be sure anymore, at least not me. I could not possibly imagine Roxas having to give up his own person to bring Sora home, but there was no guarantee of that. If that was exactly what it ended up coming to, the losses would be devastating either way. I could never ask Roxas to make such a sacrifice, but, on the same token, to knowingly give up the chance to bring my best friend back would be absolutely gut wrenching. The simple thought of it made me sick to my stomach. But, if Namine was sure it couldn't happen, then I decided that I could be, too.
"Okay…" Roxas mumbled, barely audible. The fear still didn't quite leave his eyes.
"So, Namine," I said, shifting the subject to something a bit different, yet still the same. "What do you think all of this means? Why is this happening to Roxas?"
She sighed. "Well, like you've said, we can't be sure of exactly what's happening…but, it's also like I said. Roxas and Sora are still connected by nature. He is his own person now, but his existence still originated from Sora's." She turned to face Roxas as she spoke her next words. "But still, that doesn't mean that they cannot live as two separate people. They still can." I could tell that she was looking right into Roxas' eyes to make sure that he heard and took in that specific statement. She wanted him to be reassured as much as possible, even if it meant repeating many of the same things. She continued, "There's one possibility I can think of…" Her voice trailed off. She looked defeated and I was apprehensive to find out why.
"And?" I spoke.
Again, she sighed before she went on. "Now remember, all of this is unknown territory."
"R-right," Roxas stuttered. "It is. So we came to you, thinking that maybe you could somehow trace his memories to figure out where he's been all of this time. Is that what you're getting at?"
She shook her head. "Unfortunately, I have tried that, but reaching his memories completely draws a blank for me. Maybe after everything that happened, I've lost that power. I'd be okay with that if that were the case, but I am unable to connect with him like that anymore, whatever the reason may be."
"Oh, okay. So…what are you thinking then?" he asked.
"Well, you said his keyblade is materialising for you? You're seeing yourself manifest with his appearance? I suppose there could be many different reasons as to why that could happen. Maybe…" Her voice faded, her hesitation to continue very apparent.
"What is it, Namine?" I questioned.
She sighed, yet another time. "We have to consider that Sora has simply passed on."
"Passed on?" Roxas and I asked in unison, both of us with the same baffled tone. Roxas spoke again on his own—a word I could not possibly say myself. "Like…death?"
She nodded, her eyes visibly heavy as she peered down at the ground. "If he's gone, maybe everything of his is trying to reconnect with its other self, trying to find a way home. His keyblade…even his appearance. It could just be the process of him migrating back to Roxas…or rather, what's left."
I gasped. "How could you even come to that conclusion with such little information?" I sounded as if I was interrogating her, which was something I never expected from myself—at least not toward her. It simply came out of me outside of my own control.
She looked a bit stunned, her eyes watering, but not enough to allow any tears to fall. "I understand your surprise toward my hypothesis, Riku. I can't be certain if I am right or not. I just know that Sora's heart is strong. Full of light. His keyblade is deeply connected to him and would never abandon his light. The only way it would leave him is if he no longer existed for his keyblade to maintain its loyalty to him. But his keyblade wouldn't just disappear—not when it has another connection to find its way to, that being Roxas. That's all I can possibly think of. Unless…"
"Unless what?" Roxas said.
"Well," she began. "As I said, he's a being of light, just like his keyblade is a weapon of light. The only other way it would leave him…is if he fell to darkness."
I shook my head. "That's impossible. Sora would never."
Roxas nodded. "Riku is right."
"Exactly," Namine stated. "That's why I think it would most likely be the other option. For some reason, Sora's keyblade has abandoned him. We just don't know why."
"But what if it hasn't?" Roxas interjected, a newfound enthusiasm behind his voice as if some idea just clicked inside of his mind. "What if he's using his keyblade to communicate? Like…somehow sending it to me to show everyone he's around? What if he found a way to do this? It probably would be easiest to use me as the connection I think. I guess it doesn't exactly explain why I am seeing him too, but we can't rule anything out."
Namine seemed to be taking a moment to consider his theory and after a moment, she finally shared her thoughts. "That could be worth investigating. I'm just not sure exactly how."
"I think I have an idea," I muttered, filled with apprehension considering my past behaviour, but knowing that I was most likely on the right track with the route I was pondering. I went on, "Kairi could be the missing piece of the puzzle."
"How do you figure?" Roxas asked attentively.
"If there's one thing that would get Sora's attention, it's Kairi," I stated.
"That's true," he responded in agreement.
"I agree," Namine interjected. "But…what exactly do we have her do?"
"I guess…we just have her talk to Roxas. Talk to him like she's talking to Sora," I suggested. "Then we see what happens…if anything happens."
Namine nodded. "Well, we should get a hold of her. It's best we do it in person and not on the phone, I'd say. Riku, how about you call her?"
I took a deep breath, knowing that I had to speak the truth of my last interaction with Kairi, a moment that I was endlessly ashamed of and continued to try to bury in the back of my mind like some sort of coward. At the same time, given the circumstances, it was rather easy to keep myself occupied and push any other thoughts to the sidelines. Still, when her name was brought up, it garnered a pit in my stomach that I couldn't quite shake. This time was no different. "I could…" I trailed off. "I could call her, but I don't know how well she will take it. We had a thing happen…"
"W-what?" Roxas aggressively interjected. "You and Kairi had a thing? Really? How could you betray Sora like that?" He looked utterly distraught. The shift in his demeanour was instantaneous.
I threw up my arms, as if surrendering, but also involuntarily chuckling. Roxas did not seem to take my reaction well; I could swear I saw his eye twitch. A part of me couldn't help but think, to hope, that his reaction of anger was actually coming from Sora. However, Roxas also felt just as strongly as Sora did about being loyal to your friends, so that could be the cause of it. I couldn't know for sure. Regardless, his interpretation of my words was still a bit amusing and I knew that I was obligated to elaborate. "Not that kind of thing. I would never. Neither would she…" I stopped, reliving my childhood memories of competing with Sora for her affection to no avail. Even without him here, that would never change. He had still won her over more than I ever could dream of. She would never stop choosing him whether he was here or not. She would never look at me that way and it wasn't that I wanted her to; what I truly wanted was for someone to feel that way about me—someone like Namine. "What I meant was that we had…an argument, sort of."
"Really?" Namine questioned. "You and Kairi? That's surprising. An argument about what?"
I shook my head. "I just said things that I shouldn't have. I wouldn't blame her if she couldn't forgive me…which is why I feel guilty for expecting her help, but I don't know what else to do."
"Remember," Roxas began, "She wants Sora back just as much as you, if not more. She'll probably be inclined to help regardless of how she feels about whatever went down between you two."
He had a very good point that I hadn't considered. It was hard to believe that anyone could possibly want his return more than me, but if there was a candidate to fill that position, it would surely be Kairi. "You're right," I retorted. "I did have Lea check on her recently. He said she seemed to be doing alright…for the most part, I guess. I just think that if the first time she hears from me again is me asking for a favour, that seems pretty heartless. I don't want to be that guy, but I know what we need to do. Just maybe…I shouldn't be the one to initially reach out."
Namine spoke. "Well, while you were off partaking in your pity party, I already sent her a text message and Lea is bringing her to you right now." I had to admit, that kind of attitude from Namine was unheard of, but I respected it nonetheless. It was refreshing. Knowing that Kairi was on her way overwhelmed me with feelings of both anxiety and excitement. I had so much to say, but didn't know if I even had the right to do so. I at least wanted to apologise—if she would be kind enough to allow me to.
