Chapter Two
She settled in her office and began typing away on the latest article she was creating for her online column. The online column had taken off when she had been locked in the Command Center close to a year ago. It was amazing what she was able to do when she had no other choice but to put pen to paper. Right now, she was using her article as a distraction as she waited for Tommy to return. He had gone to his first group session today and she was terrified for him. The therapist had assured them both that this would help him, but she was still uncertain. There was so much that was so uniquely Tommy and no one else.
What happened when someone asked him what caused his PTSD? How was he going to explain the things that happened to him over all that time? Anyone could do math and they'd be able to see that it started when he was 14. No 14 year old went through what they had gone through. No 14 year old should have had the weight of saving a planet on their shoulders. And yet- they both had had that on them. She had gotten away from it and he had lived it forever.
The most seasoned Special Forces operative would have a hard time believing the amount of kills that Tommy had under his belt. And they were kills. As much as she could see someone arguing that destroying aliens was not killing- it actually was. She didn't even want to touch on the times that there were human helpers who refused to stand down. She knew how much those haunted him.
Tommy was good at what he did, but being good at what he did had a price. And there was no military or police record to point back to as an explanation. There was nothing that anyone could access that would make it easier to understand why he was this way. And she worried what talking around it would do to him. She knew that it was difficult for her and she only had 3 years of ranger baggage. Tommy had two decades to unpack.
"Hey," Tommy whispered as he settled his arms around her and she was shaken out of her thoughts. "It was hard, but also good. I just wanted to try to cut out a few of your worries. I've got to go get ready to teach the toddler class."
"I'm proud of you," Kim replied and she saw the corners of his mouth twitch into a small smile. She had not believed that he would do any of this when she first sought out her own therapist. He had shocked her when he had signed himself up less than three weeks after she started. It didn't seem like a 'Tommy thing' to do, then again a lot the things that he normally did after a particularly harsh battle were no longer viable.
He had turned down the last two digs he had been invited to attend. He had told her that the digs were always ranger related- somehow. So he had avoided them to keep his promise to her. She had wondered then what else would change in his life for him to keep that promise. She wondered how much keeping his promise was going to change him. She didn't want him to change. She just wanted for him to be able to be safe.
"It was long overdue. Let's just hope it's not too little, too late," Tommy remarked and she watched him slip back out of the room. Those words haunted her. They had haunted the both of them over the last year. For so many of their friends- it had been too little, too late. They had talked through what else they could have done. How they could have saved them all, but it was useless. Short of hunkering down every ranger at the Command Center from the very beginning, there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it. And they had gone over how none of the other rangers were really willing to do that.
She glanced over at her calendar and saw the day circled in red- a month and a half from now. Tommy had been asked two months ago to attend the dedication of a new karate studio, to be named in honor of Rocky DeSantos. She expected him to accept. What she didn't expect was him insisting that she tag along. She didn't know how she could face Rocky and Aisha's parents. She had no idea how Tommy could possibly stomach the idea, but he had slowly been meeting with each and every parent of all of the rangers. It was something that she knew would take years to complete, but it was so important to him. This was the one part of his ranger life that she understood him needing to finish. He, alone, had met every ranger that had been killed. He bore the responsibility of grieving with all of their families and she had no idea how he did it.
She rested her hands against her abdomen and let out a long sigh. She should be anxiously awaiting their baby being born, but Atlantis had made sure that would not come to pass. She tried not to dwell on these thoughts, but every so often they overtook her. She quickly wiped her eyes and set about tidying her desk- anything to pull her away from what might have been for a few moments. She turned to leave the room and caught Tommy standing in the doorway, concern etched in his features. She wanted to look away. She wanted to spare him what he would see in her eyes right now, but like so many times before she couldn't pull herself away.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Tommy whispered as he opened his arms and she settled herself against his chest. She was so thankful for this man. So thankful that although he could assume what was wrong- that he always asked her.
"We should be bringing home a baby any day now," Kim muttered as she felt her heart shatter again. She had not talked about it much with anyone aside from him and even then she did not want to put that weight on him. She had seen the weight that was still on him. She barely registered his sobs as his grip on her tightened. "Tommy, I didn't mean…"
"It's okay," Tommy forced out as he slowly pulled back to look down at her. She had seen more tears on his face in the last three months than in the previous 20 years, but she also felt the emotion coming back in to him. She felt him really living what he was feeling and not putting it off for another day. "We're alive. We have time. I'm willing to try again when you are."
Her hands reached up and gently wiped away the tears. That was the crux of this- she was not sure she was ready to try again. She was not sure that she would ever be ready to try again. As much as she was glad that the Command Center had brought them back together, she resented their baby being part of the price to pay to keep their lives. She resented that for all the good they had done- their baby still had to be part of their sacrifice. While she was sure that Tommy was well and truly out of the ranger game, she was not sure that the ranger game was well and truly done with Tommy. That terrified her more than anything. They had no control on what might show up and pull him back in.
"I'm going to be late. Usual date night time?" Tommy asked as she barely nodded as he released her. She hated that moment when the cold air hit her again when she was outside of his embrace, but she knew he was right. Their life required them to live. They had a chance that so many of their friends lost- so why couldn't she bring herself to jump in to it the way that she always had? Why was she holding back on the life she had always wanted?
