Chapter 12: The Respite
May 7, 1999
Later the same evening
Hermione was left alone by Peeves and she decided to continue going down the hallway towards the main oak door of Hogwarts. But when she reached it, she halted her steps and circumnavigated in another direction… one towards the lake…
"Shouldn't the brilliant double master heroine commemorate inside?"
"Shouldn't the venerated Headmistress heroine commemorate inside?"
Hermione thought she was very quiet, but she should have known that Minerva McGonagall would surely detect her presence, even without turning around. She took more steps forward, but because the woman had not moved, she didn't dare go too close.
"I was…" Hermione mentally weighed if she should tell the Headmistress that she was leaving... Or tell Minerva that she was leaving…
"I was going to say that I was just taking a respite. But truthfully, I was about to leave. I ran into Peeves who thought I was censoring his entry at the great hall. He swore that you've allowed him and somehow blurted that you're… that you're here… And I thought… why not a proper hello… before I go home."
Minerva still had her back to her and Hermione could not help the thought of how unwelcome her intrusion seemed. She silently questioned her reasons for letting her steps be directed here instead of out of Hogwarts. 'Just because you found out that Minerva has maneuvered your Masters obtainability, you think everything has changed?' She disgustingly chastised herself because apparently, at the end of the day, she was as foolish as ever for still not knowing how to let go of loving this woman. 'Alright, time to call it a night', she grudgingly resolved to herself.
"So… Hi Minerva… And… And good night…"
Hermione was half-turning to go when Minerva finally faced her. With countenance still guarded and with heavy observing emerald eyes, the woman met her brown eyes.
"You're leaving."
Hermione couldn't quite decide if Minerva was asking, or simply just repeated the state of her actions. She nodded nonetheless.
"The celebration is great. Hogwarts is great. The dinner was more than satisfactory. And it was good to see people enjoying themselves. And when I left they had started to dance. And Harry said your whisky was impeccable. And the Headmistress was in her usual marvellous self with her welcome remarks, and how every witch and wizard wanted to talk to her. And I am rambling… And yes, I thought it was time to head home." Hermione sighed. Bollocks. She is rambling…
When the older witch did not immediately respond, she was about to repeat her farewell. Then she heard Minerva, not the headmistress, but the woman she met on a night like this last year…
"I was also going to say that I was just taking a respite. But truthfully, I was done with the 'commemoration'. The great hall, when packed with hundreds and hundreds of witches and wizards, can be quite overwhelming… on a night such as this…"
"Even to its Headmistress?"
"Particularly to its Headmistress."
The honesty from the woman pushed Hermione to reveal some honesty of her own, about how she felt about tonight's commemoration.
"The left and right congratulations were too much for me. I feared that those who would next comment for the nth time how brilliant I am for finishing two masteries, so fast and so young might find themselves transfigured into a coat rack and charmed into a dancing one and I am not even joking..."
At seeing Minerva's slightly raised brow, she amended.
"I know they mean well. Katie said I inspired her to consider Transfiguration Mastery. And that's great. But glorification of academic achievement should not consume more attention than what tonight's commemoration was all about. I get it, it helped boost whatever illustration of moving on, and of progress, especially that the Minister had put his obvious endorsement of it… of me… But I just wanted to be out of the damn news for tonight because tonight should be about far many other matters than just my exam results and—"
Hermione stopped herself. She realised how she was rambling, AGAIN! And really whining! What the bloody hell was she doing…? A few minutes talking with Minerva and she was reduced into a blabbering dramatic idiot. What golden brain? More like a toasted brain? She wanted to hex herself.
"Indeed, Ms. Bell has talent in Transfiguration."
How could she not love Minerva even more? Hermione understood that Minerva accepted her distress, excused her apparent rambling, and helped her out of embarrassment.
"I know. Katie was so proud when she got an 'O' from you. Her friends teased her mercilessly that she sounded as if she won the Quidditch cup."
"I did tell her during career counseling how it could be an avenue for her. But I can see how it coming from an old professor was not as encouraging, compared to the inspiration brought by a— by a— bright young witch."
Hermione knew… she just knew that at the last second, Minerva replaced the word 'beautiful' with 'bright' and she couldn't contain her Cheshire grin, tremendously improving her frame of mind.
"Maybe it proved to be too daunting for Katie. Because such remarks, from the Transfiguration Master who holds all records in that field, may be inspiring, but more likely intimidating…"
"Perhaps in just a short time, the titleholder of such and the operative inspiration for Ms. Bell will be one and the same."
"Never." Hermione smilingly objected.
Then they fell into silence. Hermione was not sure if Minerva was having the same reminiscence of a very similar tone of the discussion they were having… Of the time when Minerva told her how sometimes her brilliance could frighten her and she responded with the same one word of 'never'. All the while wrapped in each other's arms…
"I was twelve, when Albus said I would beat all his records in Transfiguration. Decades later, after you and Harry and Ronald just protected Nicolas' stone, Albus told me that perhaps someone had arrived that would eventually beat my records. By your third year, he made bets with past Hogwarts Heads that it would be you. Him, Brutus, and Armando, and even Severus were at it this morning, again. I had to ask them to take their discussion elsewhere, I couldn't do any work with their loud voices."
"But I didn't." Hermione honestly protested.
"You have… In principle you have, for finishing Transfiguration and Charms together in a short period. No has done that."
"Still… I'll tell Dumbledore he can't cash-in because technically I have not. He's cheating fellow Hogwarts Heads. I can't believe that even after this life, he's still manipulating things and I— "
Minerva's rich chuckles stopped Hermione mid-sentence and a sliver of pleasure ran down her spine. She forgot the rest of what she was about to say, and even forgot to breathe with what she heard next from Minerva…"
"I can count on one hand the number of people who would say such things about Albus. That's why you're in the House of the Brave darling, despite—"
Darling.
The naturally uttered endearment finally caught Minerva's awareness and she too stopped, cleared her throat, and somehow finished her sentence.
"…Despite your supreme intelligence, you're still not in Ravenclaw. You really belong in Gryffindor."
"There's nowhere else I'd rather belong."
Hermione also cleared her throat. Her heart knew that she meant not the Hogwarts house. She wondered if the other woman knew that what she meant was to belong to her… freely beside her… to love her… and be loved back…
A year ago, heart disintegrated into thousands of pieces, she had forced herself to breathe, to move somehow, and to move somewhere. It led her to accomplishments, as she had the skills and the intelligence, and putting triple the amount of work just guaranteed them. But they all seemed so insufficient.
She even had public adulation these days and that seemed to matter less. Whereas she took a big step away from friends and acquaintances, the general public had enough updates on her by the news, about her NEWTS, her work, and her masteries. The Daily Prophet even phrased it as 'Hogwarts' Golden Brain Blasted Anyone's Doubts of her Brilliance.'
And Harry was very much spot on when he said this morning that something happened to her last year. She knew that he had guessed it was more than war aftermath. While he didn't hold all the pieces, he called it exactly as it was. That she had set herself into a mad quest of work after work that likely would have killed her if Harry was not around to pull her back. And the most insane of all, she did ALL of that in an effort to silence the longing of her heart.
Oh, she tried to tell herself how heartless Minerva had been when she rejected her. Countless times she repeated a loop of Minerva's image and voice with her rejection when she spat— 'I fucked you and it was a mistake.' But for all her supposed brilliance, she could not stop hoping that Minerva would appear at her door to love her…
Of course the woman never knocked at her door. And maybe every night she was beginning to hope the woman would never do so, in order to manage her heart. And besides, being dead tired from work, or the fact that she would only quit studying and working hours past midnight helped make her time in bed shorter… Shorter time to replay that night when Minerva snuggled under her chin…
Hermione roused from her rumination when Minerva moved farther from her, and towards the white stone where they had buried the body of Albus Dumbledore. The marker seemed to have the effective way of reminding Hermione of one unadulterated truth she had awakened to that dinner which Harry referred to as the incident when 'it descended' on her. The truth and reality of who Minerva McGonagall was… The Headmistress. The three time war heroine. Undoubtedly a focal point in the Wizarding world, more so now than ever.
She weighed her options and calculated how much more she could spare her heart for tonight of the emotional upheaval she seemed to have taken on since Harry's arrival this morning. But as she looked at the reflective face of Minerva, she knew that the woman needed someone right now, someone just to be there for her. Even if the damn woman herself did not know that, or would not have it.
"Are you okay?" She boldly asked Minerva.
"Yes…" Minerva exhaled in an answer in an almost sure way that told someone how she was not as collected.
Hermione could only think of how Minerva must be so used to riding on the train of self-sufficiency… And how tiring that must be. She partly rode that train for the last year and her backbone would have broke, if not for Harry and Ron in her life. But this woman was probably on that track since she was 14 years old. And the last years must be the equivalent of multiple decades, especially when Dumbledore died.
"You were thinking about Dumbledore…?" It was not really a question.
"Aye… And Severus. And Amelia. And other friends and students… But yes, particularly Albus…"
"And he's more here than in the Head office?" Hermione softly inquired, partly to get Minerva talking, partly because she had guessed that there must be a significant meaning to it.
"This was Albus' favorite part of Hogwarts. And for the love of Merlin, I never figured out why."
"Maybe there was no reason…"
"He trained me here. About two months after my wounds from Gellert's battle were completely healed, he forced me to resume our advanced lessons. I detested it because I didn't want to study at all. My grades were fine and no other professors would say I was faltering, but it was not that..."
"You felt it was pointless."
Minerva nodded, "More so, I detested training here. The calming water of the lake was just proving to be a distraction. Albus just laughed and repeatedly pointed out to me that there was no such thing as distraction to a great witch or wizard."
"He wanted to draw you out. And maybe he also wanted the calming distractions for himself."
"I thought so."
"And somehow you knew, it'd have been pretentious for you to train in the safe heaven of a classroom after that bloodshed you went through. Clearly Dumbledore knew that."
Hermione tried to gauge Minerva's impeccable control battling with the obvious emotional recollection. She wanted to smack the woman for always, always trying to be the stone she had presented to the world. And at the same time, Hermione wanted to kiss her face, kiss the struggle away.
"Before going to the platform after the graduation ceremony, Albus asked me to meet him here and I thought he was sort of going to give me one last training session. But I was left speechless when in that final meeting, he apologised to me."
"He apologised for the Grindelwald war? For bringing you into it?"
"Yes and no. He apologised for not getting to me before I needed to do my first kill. It was the only time I ever heard him truly apologise for anything… In more than fifty years of knowing him…"
Hermione watched as Minerva's emerald eyes swam through memories, seemingly helpless not to be swept under. When her expression finally settled into a somber one, and emerald eyes disappeared briefly to possibly keep tears away, she braved the short distance, stood beside the woman, and slipped one hand into a pale elegant one.
Minerva turned slightly towards her and stared at their joined hands. When she lifted her emerald eyes to Hermione's brown eyes, she seemed to have accepted the offered support and laced their fingers tighter.
"When I returned to teach, we spent many hours here, as many times as he bothered me in my office. Arguing and agreeing on countless matters…"
Hermione silently watched Minerva lift her eyes to the sky before she heard her account, "The sky appears so similar to that night after we dropped Harry at Privet Drive. It's the wrong month, I know, but the air smells the same. Or maybe I am just imagining it… But I will never forget how we argued here until very late."
"You objected that Harry be left with his relatives?"
"I watched his relatives the entire day prior to Harry's arrival there. I knew he would not be really cared for. At 14, I was family-less in principle and despite being cared for very well by the Manor elves, most nights I would question what I did to deserve such loneliness. So I could nae help the thought of what chance Harry had in that house?"
"You tried. And even if Dumbledore had reasons, it was still his burden, not yours for how Harry was raised."
"I tried the notion of sending Harry to the Manor, but he would also be as lonely there as I am here at Hogwarts. It would be too strenuous to travel back and forth for me and Harry. Besides, Albus and I were cleaning-up after the war, and Harry was an infant, not 14 years old. I would fail the Ministry's requirement to take him in... So, in the end, I really didn't have any feasible or legal alternative to offer. And Albus was way above me in rank and everything else. Even now, I can recall in verbatim how he closed that discussion—
'We both know that I am right and I am wrong Minerva. Now do I have your word that you're with me for my rights today AND especially for my wrongs tomorrow…? And more importantly that you will be there to amend them when I can't see those in between…?'
"—I can even remember how afterwards, he shoved his pack of lemon drops in my hands. Telling me to have some… Dismissed the discussion and dismissed me..."
Hermione thought of what would have happened had Harry lived with Minerva… The supposition would definitely lead to countless suppositions. And how many times had Minerva revisited that path during this last war. And somehow, it explained why his best friend had taken on Minerva as his family this last year; they struck an understanding...
"Bloody Albus… Sometimes, I hate him with every fiber of my being. And sometimes, I feel I would not know what to do without him… I've never known this castle without him. He was my boss, my mentor, my best friend, my substitute father and brother. After Gellert's battle, when I didn't want to do anything with anyone, I only talked to Albus. It was almost that entire school term… until Amelia took pity on me and dragged me back into the land of normalcy? And I bet Albus somehow manipulated her into doing so."
Minerva chuckled but Hermione also heard the deep melancholy in it. "What would he tell you if he was here now?" She asked Minerva.
"To enjoy the night. And have some lemon drops." Minerva let out a smile. "Actually, he did tell me. Or rather, his portrait did. And sent an elf to give me this."
"He sent you lemon drops?" Hermione asked in amusement after Minerva showed her a small packet from one of her robe pockets.
"Would you like to have some?"
"Thank you but no. I never really liked the taste."
"Me neither. And Albus knew that."
Minerva let out a short laugh as she put the pack away. Hermione could not help but tighten their laced fingers together upon hearing it, and somewhat pulled Minerva closer to her. When the laughter died from thin lips, Hermione could see the effort to concentrate on Minerva's face before she heard the woman finally tear open the door they had shoved away.
"Hermione… that night at the Manor…"
She watched Minerva pause and move her gaze past her shoulder in obvious deep thoughts. After a moment, the woman took a deep breath, and emerald eyes shut for just a second. Then Minerva shook her head, dislodged their hands and wrapped them around herself, moving away from her…
Hermione internally debated… Was she ready to hear whatever Minerva was about to tell her? Probably never... Anyway, she heard the rejection before and even if Minerva would explain the harshness in it, it would not change the fact that that was indeed a rejection… And she could feel in her bones how it was not going to be retracted. She plainly understood that while twelve months had passed, things that played crucially between them were still there…
Again, the woman was the Headmistress… The woman was the three-time Heroine… And the woman was still anchoring their world… Undoubtedly unavailable to anyone… And they were both women…! Women who were always making the news... She knew these things. Facts her golden brain had paraded in and out of her mind the entire year to equally plague and pacify her heart for what she could not really have…
But when she was walking earlier to leave, after she talked to Peeves, an old thought dominated inside her mind— 'Any capacity the woman extended to her'… And it thoroughly tempted her, and her steps had circumnavigated her to here and now….
"It doesn't matter, Minerva." Hermione moved towards the woman and held such green eyes as she repeated, "It does not matter."
Hermione was only met with silence in response, but she felt that it was the kind of silence that only confirmed the complicated things that they already knew between them. Hermione moved closer to Minerva and once again took hold of one pale hand. She did not let go when Minerva initially resisted. Then they seemed to have both taken the respite offered by the moment.
After a while, Hermione took Godric Gryffindor's earlier words— of essentially shelving her brain. She bravely asked, "Minerva, do you want to get out of here?"
"I… can't."
"That is not an answer to my question. I asked if you wanted to."
"I can't neglect my duties while…"
"I am quite sure that the Headmistress has taken the necessary action, like advising the Deputy in advance that she's likely to bolt the commemoration; hence he would take over when she suddenly went missing. That's hardly negligence…"
"Where are… where are we going?" Minerva tentatively asked and it secured Hermione to seize this woman for tonight.
"Somewhere other than here."
"I don't think—"
"Let's go, Minerva."
"I can't just take us—"
"I will take us somewhere. Just apparate us out of Hogwarts, or we'll walk towards the gate, and I'm not letting your hand go."
Hermione knew she was cheating, but she had resolved to any capacity that she could to take hold of the woman tonight. She resolved to take the respite.
"Hermione, we shouldn't just—"
"Apparate us NOW, Minerva."
Hermione took hold of Minerva's other hand, a second later, a soft crack sounded in the silence of the lake…
Then another from outside the Hogwarts gates…
.
.
.
End of Chapter 12
Year 1999 – The Respite
