AN: Hey guys! Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews and for welcoming me back so warmly. And thank you for being so supportive of the hiatus I took, it really warms my heart that you all understood and I'm very touched.
Just a quick note about this chapter… keep in mind that things between Rory and Logan have to get worse before they can get better, but they will get better. There's just a lot of anger to get off their chests first, and this is the start of that. Also keep in mind that not everything Logan thinks is true. The same goes for Rory, obviously, but this chapter is written in his POV. Sometimes we believe the worst about people and ourselves, but we are not always reliable narrators of our lives.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy! And if I don't have another update beforehand, have a very Merry Christmas!
Chapter 13
2014
"Why don't they ever print the prices on the wine list here? How am I supposed to pick the second least expensive wine option, if they don't tell me what the second least expensive wine option is?"
Logan smiled at Rory over the top of his menu as he watched her pour over the list in question with rapt attention. Her bottom lip was trapped between her teeth and she tucked her hair behind her ear as her eyes roamed back and forth from left to right while she attempted to make a decision.
"Because they don't want you to know," Logan answered with a teasing smile, though his answer was entirely sincere.
"They don't want you to know, or they don't want you to eat here if you have to worry about it?" Rory asked.
Her tone was still light, but Logan couldn't help but feel like there was a trace of legitimate resentment in it. Deciding not to think too much about it, he raised his hand as the waitress walked by to grab her attention. Once he did, reached over to the leather bound wine list in Rory's hands and gently started pulling it from her grasp.
"We'll take a bottle of the 2012 Caymus, please."
The waitress flashed them a smile and informed them that she would be right back with a bottle and two glasses. Rory smiled back at her with a 'thank you' and watched her walk away for a couple seconds before turning her attention back to Logan.
"Was that the second least expensive bottle?" she asked - despite already knowing that it absolutely wasn't.
"Probably not."
"Right…" she replied with an uncomfortable chuckle. "Of course not..."
It was odd how things seemed so comfortable and familiar between them most of the time, but every once in a while something would happen that would remind them of the time that had passed and the things that had changed between them.
It was always the small things too.
It was in the moments when Logan would mention a friend from California or London as if she knew exactly who he was talking about only for her to remind him that she didn't. Or in the moments when Rory would mention some old story about Paris and Doyle only for Logan to look at her in utter bafflement and remind her that he hadn't spoken to them in seven years. It was in the moments when one of them would bring up a new ex or notice some new scar.
And it was in the moments when the reality of Logan's lifestyle would come up and Rory would feel as uncomfortable as she'd been the very first time she'd gone to his dorm room and watched him throw away three thousand dollars on a poker game.
In the past, the discomfort Rory had about his money had started to fade away after a total of three years together. She'd grown used to it, especially when they were living together. But now… for whatever reason now things were different.
Maybe it was because they weren't actually together so she worried more about taking advantage of him - though that could never actually happen as far as he was concerned. Maybe it was that her own financial situation back home was slightly more precarious then it had been when they were kids. Or maybe it was just that the political climate in general had highlighted differences between them in a way that was much harder to ignore than it had been in 2007.
But whatever the reason, the money situation between the two of them was much harder to navigate these days. And for the most part it was a topic they ignored - until they couldn't.
"Tell you what… you can pay me back by bringing me a bottle of the house merlot from Bella Giada's next time you're in town."
"Ah yes," Rory said with a smile - a more genuine one this time.. "I'm sure the $6.99 bottle of Connecticut's best merlot will be an entirely equitable trade."
"You can't put a price on that which is priceless."
"I wonder how Guiseppe and Giada are doing these days."
"I dunno. But the last time I saw Giada, she wasn't looking very bella."
"Logan!" Rory scolded with a gasp. "Rude."
"What? You know I'm right."
"Well, if I had spent my life serving lasagna to Yale's finest frat boys I don't think I would be looking very bella in my golden years either."
"Fair enough," Logan chuckled.
Suddenly, Logan found himself wishing that he could blink his eyes and transport them to the dimly lit, cheesily decorated Italian restaurant that they had so often frequented in their college days. He wished he could go back to a simpler time. A time when they were younger. When there weren't so many years between them and so much unspoken baggage getting in the way of their happiness.
It was a time when they could gorge themselves on pasta and bread and laugh about the petty marital arguments between a couple old enough to be their parents, confident in the fact that they would be going home together at the end of the night. A time when they were fueled by all the energy of youth and all the love and passion of a pair of twenty-somethings that hadn't been tainted by the real world yet.
The real world, though, had made time something of an enemy to them. It made the once outrageous feuds between the old Italian couple more relatable than they had been when he was twenty-five. And, of course, it had robbed them of the security that they once had with each other.
The love and passion that had come so easy to them when they were younger was now replaced by something more… tenuous. They still had their loving and passionate moments, but at the end of the night it was hard to still feel like their love could conquer the world when apparently it couldn't even conquer New Haven, Connecticut. And the comfort that once came with knowing they would go home with each other at the end of the night was now tainted by the fact that she would be leaving the following morning.
"So… what are your plans when you get back home?" Logan asked.
"I dunno really," Rory answered with a shrug. "I sent my story off to my editor last night, so I don't have any work to do for a while."
Ask her to stay.
The thought rose unbidden in his head as it had been doing all day. He'd been thinking it since the moment he'd woken up that morning, seen her mussed up pillow next to his head, and smelt the fresh brewing coffee in the air. All day he'd been dreading the morning to come and all the things that would follow - like the long brown hairs that would no longer be stuck to the walls of his shower or the half eaten PopTarts that would no longer be left on his desk. He'd miss the space she took up in his closet and the way she hogged the covers at night.
He'd miss her.
She'd been back in his life for what was less than a cumulative month and he'd already forgotten how to live without her.
Ask her to stay.
Logan cleared the words from his throat and squirmed a little in his seat.
"I was thinking I might head to Stars Hollow for a while. Visit Mom and Luke."
"Luke?" Logan asked. "Are they… back together? Luke and your mom?"
Rory looked up at him in surprise as if it was something he should already know - another weird moment they could add to the list, apparently.
He didn't know. Afterall, the last Logan knew of Lorelai Gilmore she was freshly divorced from Rory's father after a disastrous elopement in Paris and short lived marriage that didn't even make it to the reception. He couldn't say he was surprised to hear that they had patched things up since he had last seen them, but he also wasn't just going to assume that had been the case.
From what he remembered, Lorelai and Luke's baggage was almost as cumbersome as their own.
"Oh um… yeah," Rory responded before taking a sip of her water. "It's been a long time now. I forgot you weren't… You didn't… It happened pretty much right after… um… right after you moved to California."
Right after he 'moved to California.'
Apparently, that's what they were calling it.
He felt a sudden sharp pang in his heart, something that felt like a large needle sticking into him and twisting with an unrestrained force. His hand twitched and he ended up cracking his knuckles to make the unintentional movement seem purposeful.
He didn't know how to respond to that.
He didn't want to bring the mood down. Save for the slight Odette hiccup at the beginning of her stay, Rory's trip so far had been a wonderful time. The last thing he wanted to do was cast a pall on it right before she left. Things were still too new - too fragile - to bring up the skeletons in their closet. He wanted her to come back. He wanted her to want to come back, and conversations about the deterioration of their relationship would only run counter to that goal.
Logan forced a smile on his face, shoving down the heartbreak and mortification that overwhelmed him every time he thought of her handing that ring back to him. He met her eyes, noting the nervousness and trepidation in them, and tried his best to put her back at ease.
"That's great," he said. "I'm happy for them."
"Yeah…" said Rory. "Me too. They belong together, you know? I'm glad they… got their act back together."
A silence fell between them for a moment as Rory looked into his eyes, no doubt trying to figure out what exactly was going on in his head. She still looked nervous, like she was reaching out to him in some way. Logan knew he should say something, but the needling pain in his heart was making it difficult to think straight. And he couldn't be exactly sure what her intention was.
Ask her to stay.
He cleared his throat again as his mind and heart battled each other for dominance, one of them insisting that he couldn't risk letting her go again, but the other insisting that he couldn't survive hearing another 'no' from her lips. Even if this one would be far more temporary.
And when he finally managed to find some words, they had nothing to do with the battle waging in his soul.
"The wine's here," he said, quickly gesturing to the smiling waitress and she returned to the table with the bottle and two glasses that she'd promised them.
"Oh," Rory said. She turned around to look at the waitress on their way to their table and flashed him a somewhat solemn smile when she turned back to him. "Great…"
The two of them were quiet as the waitress uncorked the bottle and poured them each a serving of the rich Cabernet. Logan kept his eyes on Rory the whole time, noting that the solemnity that he'd seen in her smile just moments before had now fully settled in over her entire expression.
There were so many things he wanted to say to her, things that he would hope might put the carefree twinkle back into her eyes. But in the end he just couldn't bring himself to do it. His injured heart was winning the battle, imploring him not to be the person who put his heart on the line first.
If Rory wanted him, she would tell him.
If she wanted to have the real conversations, she would start them.
She had to.
Until then, he would simply make sure to be a part of her life in whatever way she was ready for. And right now… that was one more dinner before she returned to The States.
"Alright… I'm starving," he said. "How do you feel about some frog legs?"
2036
Eat the frog.
It was one of the many pieces of corporate wisdom Logan had become familiar with over the course of his career in upper management, and it was one that he had become better and better at with age and wisdom.
Take the task that you are least looking forward to doing, and get it done first thing in the morning. Don't let it hang over your day like a harbinger of doom. Don't let it control your mood. Don't let it derail your productivity. You need to fire someone? Get it over with. Don't waste their time and yours. Need to call a notoriously unpleasant client? Make it your first conversation of the day. Need to flagellate yourself in front of a room full of concerned shareholders? Schedule a breakfast conference… and hire a good catering company.
Just do it.
He was a child of the nineties, afterall. It was a sentiment that he and Michael Jordan were both very familiar with.
In his fifty-four years, Logan had eaten a great deal of frogs. He'd become quite skilled at it. But that was the key… It was a skill. It was a skill that he had meticulously developed over time. Something that he had shaped and honed. It was not a natural talent.
Naturally speaking, Logan Huntzberger was a master procrastinator. And at the current moment, he was really leaning in to being his authentic ADHD ridden, executive dysfunction suffering self. In fact… he'd been leaning into it for days now.
"Mr. Huntzberger."
Logan was startled away from his phone screen at the sound of his secretary's voice calling to him from the door of his office. It was the first time he'd ripped his eyes away from the phone screen in what felt like ages.
"Yes, Poppy?" he asked, clearing his throat and sitting up straight to make it look like he was doing anything other than agonizing over his phone like a fifteen year old school boy.
"The second quarter KPIs…"
She held up a thick manilla folder in the air, and Logan gestured for her to come into his office. She set the document on his desk and left. And, suddenly, Logan had an out.
He needed to read that report. He needed to have a thorough understanding of that report before the board meeting next Friday. What had been an open couple of hours at the end of his day was suddenly filled with something. That is… something other than the frog that he desperately needed to eat.
He was tempted - extremely tempted - to put off the call that he had already been putting off for days even longer. But, as tempting as it was, the clock was running out, and it was reaching a point where it simply could not be put off any longer.. It had to be done.
With a mighty sigh, Logan pushed the KPI report away from him. He looked back down at his phone and grabbed it. Then, counting to three, he began scrolling through his contact list to the three letter name that still managed to make his heart race more than any other.
Though now for entirely different reasons.
Ace ️
All the motivation that he'd managed to muster up in the last few seconds suddenly disappeared. He was frozen yet again, staring at the screen of his phone and unable to move his fingers the few millimeters it would take to tap the name and call her.
His hesitancy went beyond his anger and resentment. It even went beyond his pain. All of those factors were definitely a part of it, but there was also the fact that he just didn't know what to expect. The last time they'd spoken it had been on Riley's phone, and he would hardly call that a conversation. It was mostly a sling of accusations and too-late apologies.
What would an actual conversation between them after all this time even be like?
Would she still even have his number?
They'd aged twenty years since the last time they saw each other. Would she even recognize his voice anymore? What if he called her and she had no idea who he was? It was a lot of awkwardness to navigate around a conversation that was already going to be difficult.
Maybe he would luck out and get her voicemail.
Logan looked at his watch and deduced that it would probably be around ten in the morning there. She'd always been a morning person, and he doubted that had changed. So, there wasn't really any chance of her still being in bed or in the shower at this point in the day. Plus, according to what he'd heard from Honor and Riley, she was a teacher at Chilton now. Being that it was June, he didn't even have the standard work day helping his odds.
If he made this call, it was more likely than not that she would answer. Those were the odds that he simply had to accept.
But Logan was a gambling man.
With a sudden burst of adrenaline, Logan pressed his thumb down on her name. He raised the phone to his ear and listened to it ring.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Four.
He bit his lip as a rush of hope overcame him. Four rings and no answer. Maybe the odds were with him after all. If he could only make it a couple more rings maybe he would -
The ringing stopped. Logan's heart started thumping as he waited - prayed - for a voicemail message to begin. But it didn't. The line was simply quiet for a second, long enough that he almost opened his mouth to say hello and question if anyone was there. But, before he was able to, he finally heard the uneasy sound of her voice.
"Hi…"
The greeting was breathy. Timid. There was also no hint of questioning in it, so he had to assume she knew it was him.
Apparently, she did still have his number after all.
"Hi."
Silence. More deafening silence. And, clearly, neither of them quite knew how to breach it. Logan had been so focused on actually making the phone call, that he clearly hadn't spent enough time thinking about what he was actually going to say when she answered. And now they were suffering the consequences.
"...Is Riley okay?"
"Riley's fine."
"Okay. Good. That's good."
Silence.
Logan leaned forward on his desk, hanging his head slightly and putting his weight on his elbows. Using the hand that wasn't holding his phone to his ear, he started to scratch at the top of his head - as if the friction might work to jump start his brain into knowing what the hell he should say to her.
"Did she check into her flight early?" Rory asked, timidly. "She almost forgot to do that on her way there. Even though I kept telling her if she did she would end up getting put into boarding group triple Z. You might need to remind her. You might also need to remind her to charge her ear buds. She always forgets and never brings a back up pair. And the airplane headphones suck. And remind her to wear something warm. She's going to walk on in just a t-shirt or something because it's hot outside, but it gets cold on those transatlantic flights. And the complimentary blankets are never enough…"
In the end, he supposed it was foolish of him to worry about needing to find the words. If there was one thing he knew about Rory GIlmore, it was that she hated a conversational vacuum. If presented with one, she would find a way to fill it. It didn't matter how awkward the silence was. In fact… the more awkward the more filing she would find.
"That's actually… what I'm calling about."
"Oh?" Rory asked, the confusion and concern was clear in her tone.
"I uh…"
Logan took a deep breath. He hated that he was even nervous to tell her this. He had no reason to be nervous. He had no reason to worry about how she would react at all. He had no reason to consider her feelings in the slightest. After all, she hadn't considered his for twenty years. Longer really.
Even if she was upset… it's not as if she had any right to be. Rory'd had nineteen years with Riley. He deserved some accommodation. Some consideration. Some time.
Besides… Riley was nineteen. She was technically an adult. In the end it didn't matter what Rory wanted at all.
"I'm going to ask her to stay. Here. With me. Until school starts up again."
In that moment it seemed as if Logan had actually done the impossible and presented Rory Gilmore with a conversational vacuum that she couldn't fill. The silence that stretched on over the phone was so far the longest of them all.
"She won't be out the money. I've already taken care of the cost of the plane tickets… Among other things."
"Other things?"
Logan could hear the edge in Rory's voice. But he still simply couldn't bring himself to care.
"We took the money she got from Chris and set her up in a mutual fund. It's not much, but she's young. So she'll see some solid exponential growth over time. I'm also in the process of getting her set up with a trust - "
"Excuse me?!"
"- fund. She'll be able to access it when she's twenty-five. It's close to five million in total."
"Are you kidding me?" Rory asked. "You're just giving my daughter five million dollars without even asking me how I feel about this?!"
"I'm giving my daughter five million dollars!"
If his raised voice weren't enough to draw the attention of employees and personnel passing by the interior windows of his office, the slam of his fist on his desk certainly would have been.. Wincing at his loss of control and lack of discretion, he dared to look over and see if any nosy heads had turned his way. Thankfully, people still seemed to be milling about and minding their own business. Though, he was sure Poppy had heard him.
He took a couple deep breaths to calm himself and leaned back in his chair, thinking maybe the rocking swiveling motions might soothe his senses. All in all it worked well enough - well enough to lower his voice back to a normal pitch in any event.
"I also took out a credit card in her name. I'm going to give it to her tonight. She'll need more clothes and other things if she's going to be staying here."
"No!"
"It's not up to you. It's already done," Logan replied. "Besides, she's nineteen years old. She's a young adult. What exactly have you done to help her establish some credit?"
"She has student loans."
Logan practically sputtered. Perhaps it was shortsighted of him, but he had never even considered the fact that Riley might be paying for Yale with student loans. Though, he supposed it did make sense. After all, from what Rory had told him when they were in school the only reason she hadn't taken out loans was because she hadn't been able to qualify after her mother had received a large sum of money during her senior year of high school. That's the only reason she had made the arrangement with her grandparents.
Still… surely she realized that the arrangement she'd made with them was far preferable to the never ending pressure of federal student loans. Wasn't she able to arrange something similar for Riley? Emily was still alive after all, and even if she wasn't able to help this time around surely Christopher would have been able to step up?
But then… there was no telling what Rory's relationship with Christopher was like at any given time. And as much as he would like to think she would put any issues she had with Chris aside for the sake of their daughter, he wasn't entirely willing to give her the full benefit of the doubt at the moment.
"You think I'm going to sit back and let my daughter drown in student loan debt!?" Logan asked, his brow furrowing in anger. "You've either completely forgotten who you're dealing with, or you've completely lost your mind. Riley will not have student loans. I will make sure of that."
"You can't just waltz into our lives and start making major decisions like this without considering how I feel - "
A flash of red appeared in Logan's vision as he heard the words. As rational as her argument might be in any other context, in this context it was nothing other than a triggering reminder of her self absorbed decision making.
"Oh you mean like you considered how I would feel when you chose not to tell me I had a daughter for almost twenty years?!" Logan spat. "You're right. I really should think about you more shouldn't I?"
"This isn't about us, Logan. This is about Riley." Rory argued. "And I am not going to sit by and let my daughter turn into some spoiled entitled trust fund kid!"
And there it was. The answer Logan had been looking for since he'd started obsessively asking himself how Rory could do this to him and why she would choose to keep him away from their daughter.
It was something he always thought but could never bring himself to voice out loud throughout the course of their relationship. It had been at the back of his mind constantly - ever since the night when they had screamed at each other in that bar and ended up not speaking to each other for months. It was the cause of so many of their arguments - so many of their communication breakdowns and rough patches.
For a long time, Logan wouldn't let himself actually believe it. His insecurities would bubble up and he would force them down, convincing himself that his concerns were unwarranted and that Rory loved him. But in the back of his mind… he always knew it was true.
"Well I'm glad to finally know what you've always really thought of me."
"Logan, I just said this has nothing to do with us. Will you stop putting words in my mouth?"
"No!" Logan exclaimed in exaggerated protest, shaking his head back and forth. " I mean… Really, why should I be surprised? After all, you told me what you thought of me the first day we met outside your dorm room. I guess that never really changed."
"You're being ridiculous. You know that's not true."
"I mean what was it you called us? The…'out of touch sons and daughters of… important people who can't imagine a world without… domestic workers and… houses on private islands?' It's been almost thirty years, so you'll forgive me if I don't remember the exact phrasing. But that was the gist of it wasn't it?"
"You know how I felt about that…"
"Yeah," said Logan. "Good enough to write it with your whole fucking chest."
"I'm not doing this with you right now, Logan," said Rory. "I'm just telling you that you can't make life altering decisions like this about Riley without speaking to me first. That's not how co-parenting works."
"Oh it isn't?" Logan asked with a tone of faux perplexity and innocence. "I'm so sorry. I guess I'm just a little confused about how it works. See… you made every single decision and experienced every single moment alone by yourself without me for nineteen years. So, I guess I just assumed the next nineteen are mine? Was that too presumptuous of me? Is that not how it works? I genuinely want to know."
"Logan…"
"I really don't want to upset you…" Logan continued. "I mean… I wouldn't dream of going against what you think is best. After all, you're Rory Gilmore. You're the most perfect being that has ever walked the face of this Earth. Isn't that what everyone has told you since the moment you graced this planet with your existence? That you can do no wrong? That everything you touch is perfect? That we should all bow down and grovel at your feet? Who am I to argue with that kind of greatness? I mean Jesus Christ himself pales in comparison to Rory Gilmore. How stupid could I be to forget that? After all, I'm just a spoiled entitled trust fund kid."
As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them.
He wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish with his little diatribe. Ultimately, he wasn't sure he was trying to accomplish anything. He wasn't thinking at all. He was merely acting. Acting on thirty years of pent up anger, resentment, and heartbreak. Acting on the pain of the last couple weeks - the pain of finding out about Riley and all that he had missed. Acting on the grief that was still bottled up within him about Odette's death and Alex's spiraling depression and his helplessness to do anything about it. Acting a fool really.
He felt like a cornered beast, and he did what cornered beasts do best. He attacked. He lashed out. He struck right in the jugular without any hesitance or discrimination.
"Well I guess I know how you've always really felt about me too."
His heart plummeted through his chest at the sound of her stricken voice, and he suddenly felt the rush of something other than the blinding anger he'd been feeling before...
Remorse.
The rage that had consumed every fiber of his being just seconds ago had completely evaporated from his body and all that was left now were the consequences of his words.
She was hurt.
That much was clear. Even without seeing her he could feel how much his words had hurt her.
In that brief moment, he'd thought it would feel so good. The rage had whispered in his ear, telling him that the only thing that would make him feel better would be to make her feel a fraction of his pain. To hurt her like she had hurt him. To throw her own faults in her face. To remind her that her holier-than-thou attitude was grating at best and hypocritical and delusional at worst. To make her cry and doubt and anguish the way he had been doing since the moment Riley had shown up on his doorstep.
It was supposed to feel so good.
But now he only felt worse.
"Rory… I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that…" Logan said, bowing his head over his desk.
"It doesn't matter," Rory said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.. "Look, we need to try to get along for Riley's sake. So maybe in the future we should just keep these conversations short and to the point."
"Ace…"
"Don't." Logan could hear the break in her voice, and it broke his already shattered heart into a million more tiny pieces. "Don't call me that."
"Rory, please… I didn't mean that. I'm just upset. I'm angry, and I went too far. I'm sorry."
"At the end of the day, Riley is an adult now. I don't have any control over what she does or what you do either. So… I suppose there's no point in even arguing about it."
"Can we just start this over and - "
"When you talk to her just let her know that…" Rory paused for a moment. "That if she wants to stay, I'm totally okay with that. I'm happy for her. Really."
"Rory, come on…"
"Bye, Logan."
The line went dead and Logan was left staring at his screen once again.
He tried to tell himself that he'd accomplished what he'd set out to do. He'd eaten the frog. He'd gotten Rory's blessing to ask Riley to stay here, and he was going to have several more weeks with his daughter before she needed to return to Yale for her fall semester. He should be happy.
Yet, sitting at his desk staring into the void and replaying the disastrous phone call over and over again in his head, happiness was the last thing he was feeling. Instead, he was just filled with regret and concern.
For so long he had fantasized about Rory walking back into his life for a third time.. He'd told himself countless times that if he ever had an opportunity to be with her again that he wouldn't throw it away. He'd spent years missing her, wanting to hear her voice, wanting to tell her about his life and hear about hers. None of this was what he'd imagined her re-entrance in his life to be.
None of his fantasies had included all this anger and resentment. None of them included the betrayal and pain that he felt. In his fantasies, he wanted to talk to her. He would revel in every conversation and never leave her side again. He wouldn't be trying to avoid her at every possible turn and putting off important conversations for days.
He had to keep talking to her. They had a child together. There would be more conversations, confrontations, and arguments. He couldn't ignore her, and he couldn't keep letting his anger get the better of him. There were simply going to be too many more frogs to eat in their future, and it would be a lot easier to swallow them if they weren't so poisonous.
They had to become friends again.
The only problem was…. Logan had never been very good at being friends with Rory Gilmore.
And he really didn't know how to start now.
TBC…
AN: Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please review!
