CHAPTER FIVE

She had never thought a shower could feel so good until one hour ago. Washing off the grime and dirt and crusted-over blood that had been covering her like a second skin was a near-rapturous experience. It didn't matter that the water was cold, or that her muscles shook from the effort of keeping herself upright with no support, or that the myriad tiny lacerations all over her body stung when she cleaned them. No, all that had mattered to her, standing in that tiny shower, was that she was standing in a shower at all.

The only thing that could have made it better was if she'd felt that connection snap back into place. If she'd had some sign that Ben was awake and functioning, even if she couldn't physically see him yet, then that last shred of worry coiling in her stomach could finally loosen.

Still, she's grateful just to have clean skin and fresh clothes as she walks through the woods of Ajan Kloss with Finn and Poe.

Several yards away, in the main clearing the base has used as their central gathering area for so many months, the mood is restless. The celebrations of yesterday seem to have died down — now everyone seems to be caught between mourning the dead and trying to figure out what exactly comes next. Rey could feel it rolling off of all of them, the joy, the misery, the confusion, the relief. It was too much all at once.

And so, she and her friends are strolling through the trees instead. Near enough that they can hear if anyone needs them, but far enough away that they're afforded some semblance of privacy on the crowded base.

She's heard, by now, all about the way so many reinforcements appeared seemingly out of nowhere, how right when they thought all was lost, hundreds of people from every edge of the galaxy showed up. And despite the losses they suffered, there are still hundreds of new people here — some displaced, some homeless, some simply looking to continue helping. A year ago, when there were so few Resistance members left that they all fit in the Falcon, she never would have guessed that someday their numbers would be so large there would barely be enough room for all of them on one base.

Then again, there are a lot of things she never would have guessed a year ago.

"Where are they all sleeping?" Rey asks as she watches a group of people she's never seen before walk past.

"People with bigger ships have basically converted them into barracks. You should see the Falcon. You can barely walk through the halls without stepping on somebody," Poe says.

"Good," she smiles. "I'd hate to think anyone had been forced to sleep in the dirt."

Before she can say anything else, a familiar voice rings out.

"Rey!" Rose shouts. A second later, she's bounding towards them, her small form hurtling through the trees and into Rey's outstretched arms.

"I can't believe you're actually okay!" Rose exclaims as she crushes Rey to her.

"Mostly okay," Rey chokes out, most of the air in her lungs gone.

Rose loosens her hold just enough for Rey to catch her breath.

"And I can't believe you two kept her away from me for so long," Rose scolds.

"It was less than one day," Poe says at the same time that Finn mumbles out a "we weren't even allowed to see her until this morning."

Rose finally breaks the hug, and for a brief moment, Rey thinks that this is one of the few reunions she's had and is still bound to have that won't be tinged with angst.

And then Rose's smile falters and that brief moment ends.

"I heard about everything," Rose is quieter now. "How much of it was true?"

She doesn't need to say more than that for Rey to understand the question underneath the question.

"It's true," she sighs. "All of it."

Rose shuts her eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Rey," is all she says when she finally exhales.

It's difficult for Rey to fight against the defensiveness she immediately feels at the ton of Rose's voice. She doesn't like feeling this way — chastised, like a child, like she's done something wrong, which she hasn't — but she knew, didn't she? She knew she'd have to explain herself more than once. That she'd have to answer to more than Finn and Poe. She'd already been luckier than she'd expected to be, having Chewie and Maz understand.

Why should she expect anyone else to take it quite so well.

"He killed people, Rey."

"I've killed people."

"Innocent people. There's probably not a soul on this base who didn't lose someone because of him."

It's the disappointment in Rose's voice that cuts Rey deeper than anything else. She had been prepared for frustration or incredulity or even anger, but she was not prepared at all for that unmistakeable, melancholy tinge of disappointment.

"I know that," Rey says, trying not to notice the way Rose seems to have subconsciously clutched at the pendant that always hangs around her neck. "Trust me, I know. But there's also not a soul on this base who would still be alive now if it wasn't for him."

"I can't— I won't be his friend, if that's what you're hoping for. I'm not even going to promise that I'll speak to him."

"I understand," Rey says. And it's true — she does understand. She has to understand.

"It's going to get out, you know. There's already talk, a few rumors. But for the most part, since you haven't made any kind of statement, no one really knows what happened."

"I guess I'll have to think about what I'm going to say."

"I think everyone will want to hear from you. Before they start to draw their own conclusions."

She knows Rose is not ready to accept having Ben here. She knows Rose may never accept his presence. But the fact that she's already offering — advice? A warning? Both, perhaps? — is enough for Rey.

"And that goes for you, too, General," Rose says, shifting her gaze from Rey to Poe right behind her. "We need a game plan moving forward."

"I'll call for a meeting day after tomorrow, I swear," Poe groans. "Really should've thought of that."

"Why wait?" Rey asks. "If there's more to be done then shouldn't we be getting started as quickly as possible?"

Despite the fact that her legs are gently shaking from the effort of standing for so long, despite the fact that she's been in life-threatening danger more times than she can count over the past few years, despite every rational part of her brain telling her that she should take it slow, take a break… there's an uncontrollable fire still burning somewhere deep inside her. Some part of her that instinctually wants to run, to fight, to do something.

If there's even one member of the First Order out there who needs to be brought to justice, any group of sympathizers or would-be killers hiding, plotting an attack, still posing a threat to her and her friends… her hand practically aches to hold a lightsaber in it once again.

"Tomorrow's supposed to be a big ceremonial day," Finn replies.

"For what?"

"Funerals, a memorial for Leia — everything was so hectic before we managed to track you and since we've gotten back there hasn't really been time… and a thing for us," Poe says, hesitating at the third item on his list.

"Us?" Rey asks.

"It's to honor us. As war heroes."

How Poe manages to keep a straight face as he's saying that, she has no idea.

"Please tell me you didn't plan this yourself." The prospect of standing in front of a crowd to receive a medal is already horribly embarrassing to her, and it hasn't even happened yet.

"No, no, it was Lando and Maz," Poe says. "They insisted, said something about the good ol' days. But they promised it would be quick."

"We took down an entire government, we can handle a few minutes of a ceremony," Finn reasons.

"I guess that's what I'll have to tell myself," Rey sighs.


The sun is swiftly sinking past the horizon as Rey sits around a fire, eating a small dinner with her friends.

Their little spot in the woods had not turned out to be quite as remote as Rey had imagined — less than an hour after Rose found them, Kaydel and Jannah had as well. They hadn't had any news Rey hadn't already been told, aside from reports on a generator that blew a fuse and how several of the Resistance's newest members had been asking if they could finally meet the young Jedi who defeated Palpatine.

It's the blown fuse that finally coaxed Rey out of her not-so-secluded spot (despite Rose's insistence that she could fix it on her own and Rey should just rest), and the reason she's now here in the main clearing with everyone else.

She's shaken at least a hundred hands, learned and forgotten at least fifty new names, heard a recap of "The Battle of Exegol" as they're all calling it from at least a dozen different perspectives.

No one would hold it against her if this was all too much at once. If she drifted back to a quieter place, avoided all the the people, the names, the stories, just for one more day…

But it's not too much for her. In fact, she finds that she wouldn't mind shaking a hundred more hands and hearing a hundred more voices. Because it's just so incredible that she gets to meet any of them at all.

She'd gotten so used to being alone, had spent so many years with no company but her own, it doesn't matter, she decides, if she's still physically exhausted, or if she can't quite remember which planet the kind woman sitting next to her is from. She has a family, a giant family and that itself is something she never dreamed of for herself, much less all the rest of what her life has become.

The last of the sunlight has faded, and the fire crackles against the night sky, illuminating the faces of her friends. She watches as Kaydel whispers something to Rose and Jannah, sending all three of them into a fit of giggles. It's odd to see them so carefree — and she never imagined she'd see any of them giggling — but it's a sight she could easily get used to. Their work isn't done — she knows that — it's likely going to be months of dealing with the last of the First Order, the loyalists, the power hungry individuals she's sure will rise up and try to take advantage of all this unrest, and then even when that's over there will be the politics and the government and the fact that if they're not careful a new evil could easily take the place of the vanquished one.

"Hey," Finn bumps her shoulder with his. "Still with us?"

Rey snaps out of her reverie, realizing she's been staring blankly at the fire for a little longer than is normal.

"I'm here," she smiles as she bumps his shoulder in response.

The times will surely be hard, but at least she has her friends, several of her mentors, all the people she's fought beside and fought for and—

Ben.

The connection snaps into place in an instant and it's so jarring she nearly drops her bowl. In fact, if her reflexes were just a percent duller, her feet would certainly be covered in stew right now.

He's awake. He's conscious enough, strong enough to send just a whisper to her through their bond.

"Whoa, hey," Poe leans across Finn to look at Rey. "That's one of my favorite bowls."

"You've said that about, like, seven different bowls," Finn retorts.

"Rey?" Poe asks when she doesn't respond.

She knows she should say something, but she can't seem to make herself form the words. She's too overcome by relief, tension she thought she'd already lost dropping out of her second by second.

He's awake, he's alive, their Force bond still exists. She'd hadn't even realized she was worried it might not until this moment, now that she's feeling it again.

"Rey? Hellooo…"

"He must be awake," Finn whispers.

Rey nods, grateful that Finn has always been able to read her so well.

"The magic mind connection?" Poe asks.

"I should—" Rey half stands, bowl still in hand before sitting back down. "I should probably go—"

She puts the bowl down, then moves to stand back up before Finn puts a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sure he'll understand if you finish your meal first," he says.

"I know he'd understand. I'm not going because he wants me to, I'm going because I want to," Rey replies.

She looks around the base. Everyone is involved in their own conversations, no one would notice if she slipped away, it wouldn't be odd for them not to see her again until tomorrow…

"I'm really trying to get it," Poe huffs. "I know you say he helped. I know you say he's on our side. But not everyone is going to see it that way."

"I know."

"Hell, it's hard for me to see it that way. And look at you, trying to sneak off so you can talk to him without anyone noticing, because even telling everyone he's here might be dangerous if it's not done properly. And for your sake, Rey, I'm doing my best to do it properly. For your sake, not his."

"Once everyone knows, I won't have to sneak around will I?"

"In theory no…" Poe scratches his head and Rey can see him trying to gather his thoughts. "But I guess what I'm saying is, is this all really worth it? All the trouble you're going to put yourself through just trying to defend your… what even is he to you exactly?"

It's not a question she was expecting, although now that she thinks about it, it's a question she absolutely should have been prepared for.

Ben's been so many different things to her over the years — boogeyman, enemy, arch-nemesis, potential friend, ally, but now…

Now Rey realizes she has no idea how to refer to Ben. Companion is too casual, Soulmate, though probably true, would sound a touch dramatic spoken out loud. If she'd thought ahead, she would have talked this over with him while she could, before she'd have to identify exactly what their relationship is to other people.

They belong to each other, she's sure of that much. And he'll understand whatever she chooses to say — whether or not he agrees with it is a wholly different issue. So really, she should have no fear in choosing a label. There are no wrong answers. Nothing is set in stone.

"He's my equal," is what she finally settles on. "He is my match in every way. My balance. We are whole people on our own, but combined we form two halves of a new whole. And perhaps we always have."

"So… he's your soulmate."

"I thought that would sound too dramatic."

"Did you hear what you said instead?"

Rey shakes her head, hoping it's dark enough out to mask the flush she feels building in her cheeks.

"I'll see you all soon," she says, giving Finn and Poe each a final shoulder squeeze before she slips away from the dimming light of the fire.