CHAPTER FIFTEEN
"No way. you can do better than that."
"Yes, I can, but the last thing I need is Poe mad at me because I maimed you."
"That's only if you win."
"And the last thing you need is Rey mad at you because you maimed me."
Finn turns to look at Rey, who's been leaning against a tree, watching him and Ben spar for the better half of an hour now.
"He's right," she chuckles, "I would be furious."
"So you agree," Finn grins. "There's a chance I'd win."
"A week ago I'd have said no. Now…" Ben sighs theatrically.
"You're a good teacher, Solo."
"Rey's a good teacher. I came in for the easy part."
"Okay," Rey says as she pushes herself off the tree trunk. "I was promised a duel with the winner and that can't happen if you two keep chatting."
Ben and Finn huff, tighten their grips on their respective lightsabers in tandem, and return to their gentle sparring. Finn's not wrong — Ben is holding back a fair amount. But she's not surprised by that, considering how close he had gotten yesterday to accidentally hitting him. He'd fretted over it for half the night, worried that Finn had taken it personally or would report it to Poe, or worst of all that he would lose the delicate trust they've built over the past week.
It had taken her crawling into bed and curling up behind him, her arms wrapped protectively around his middle as she mouthed at his neck for him to finally calm down. Or rather, not calm down. He was decidedly not calm after that, but he was also too distracted to be worried anymore.
So he's going a little easy on Finn today. She won't call him out on it this time, but if it turns into a habit then she'll have to. They owe it to Finn to give him the best of themselves when they're out here.
They've been doing a pretty good job of it this past week. It took Ben and Finn a solid day to get over the initial awkwardness of it all, given their history — namely that it wasn't the first time they found themselves in a forest facing each other down with lightsabers — but things have only gotten easier with every day since that one.
It's a lot less tiring for Rey, too. Gone are the early mornings of training with Finn and then training with Ben. Now that it's the three of them together, she and Ben are able to trade off in duels and exercises, and when Finn inevitably leaves around lunchtime for meetings with Poe and Maz and Lando, she and Ben are able to relax and meditate, only sparring if they feel like it, the hard part of the day already done.
Everything's gotten easier this past week — they've only received two distress calls, both of which were resolved in under a day each, and the number of Resistance members on the base is steadily dwindling as home planets become safe to return to and relocation efforts for displaced peoples have ramped up. Rey hadn't even realized the strain on their resources until the strain was gone — somewhere in the past week, they've gone from having just enough food to more than they can finish in a meal, just enough space for everyone to sleep to large unoccupied spaces in a mostly silent cave.
Also, blessedly, easier is her sleeping arrangement with Ben. When they'd woken up after that first night, Ben had tried to apologize before their eyes were even fully open. He should've known he didn't have to, should've felt through the bond how content she was and how utterly unnecessary any kind of apology would be. But she just tightened her hold around his waist until he got the point and stopped trying. That night there hadn't been any discussion beyond a "do you want me to stay?" from Rey and an "if you don't mind," from Ben. And since that night there hasn't been any more discussion about it at all.
It's a given now, that she and Ben sleep in the same bed, just like it's a given that at some point in the night his sleep will become tortured (though she hopes it's not just wishful thinking telling her the terrors have decreased in severity with each night that passes) and she'll send comforting thoughts through the bond while stroking one particular spot on his arm that always seems to soothe him. It soothes her too, if she's being honest, just to have someone to hold onto as she falls asleep and to know he'll still be there when she wakes back up. She's aware of all the usual implications of bed-sharing, both practical and romantic, but what she didn't know about is the comfort that comes with going to sleep and knowing you won't be alone when you wake up. There's a stability to it, a trust to it, that she always craved but never truly expected to have.
"Agh damn it!"
Finn's shout and Ben's subsequent quiet chuckle pull her out of her thoughts and back to the present.
Finn's lightsaber is on the ground and Ben's, though already deactivated, is pointed right at him.
"That was the closest you've gotten," Ben says as he lowers the weapon to his side. "You should be proud."
"Yeah, yeah," Finn sighs. "The second I figure out how you coordinate using a Force hold and a saber at the same time, your winning streak is over."
"Can't wait." Ben's grin is so earnest Rey has no doubt he actually means it.
They've been keeping the bond closed — or as closed as it can be — during these sessions. It was getting to be too easy. They were reading each other's thoughts so seamlessly that the element of surprise was completely eliminated. It's a useful skill for the middle of a battle perhaps, but makes it impossible to get any sort of actual practice in.
Even still, Rey can sense a faint whisper of the pride Ben feels when Finn picks up his lightsaber by simply holding his hand over it until it zooms back to him.
Finn trudges over and holds the saber out to her.
"Beat him fast. I want in on the next round."
"I'll do my best."
It really shouldn't be too hard, she thinks, considering the way Ben's currently leaning against a tree trying to catch his breath and failing to effectively swipe his hair out of his eyes. She'd thought to lend him one of her hair ties, but perhaps she's a bit too partial to this particular look of his, and she just couldn't deprive herself of the sight.
She contemplates opening the bond for a second, just to tell him how happy she is that this is all working so well, that even if he's not this comfortable around the rest of the base and even if she's still a little haunted by the history she'd never even known she had, this small patch of land on this one green planet is somewhere they can both feel free.
But he finally manages to tuck his hair behind his ears and catch her eye and something in the look he gives her tells her he already knows.
"Are you two gonna, y'know, start any time soon?" Finn says, effectively interrupting her thoughts.
"Who says we haven't?" Rey replies.
She and Ben meet in the center of the clearing and activate their sabers. But before either of them can make a move, a twig snaps nearby.
Rey whips around to the direction of the noise in time to see BB-8 very carefully rolling past the trees and into the clearing, Poe trailing close behind.
"Looks like you get a bit more of a break," Rey winks at Ben before stepping back and deactivating the lightsaber.
Ben grins and deactivates his as well, setting it on the ground next to him.
"I didn't need it."
"Of course you didn't."
Poe steps fully into the clearing and makes a beeline for Finn, launching into an explanation of how he's needed for a meeting before he's even fully reached him.
BB-8 veers off and rolls straight to Rey instead.
"Hey, BB," she stoops to the droid's level and Ben bends down beside her, shoulders hunched until they're at roughly the same height.
"Having a good day?" Ben asks.
The droid chirps happily, rolling between the two of them. It's a little astounding, she thinks, how quickly the droid has warmed up to Ben, considering the fact that it was only a little over a year ago that he was hunting it. But then again, BB-8's always been a pretty good judge of character, so maybe it's not that surprising at all.
Finn jogs back to Rey and Ben.
"Gotta go," he says. "See you at dinner?"
"Of course," Rey replies.
"See you soon!" Poe calls out. "BB-8 c'mon!"
BB beeps in farewell to the two of them and Ben pats the droid's side in response. He's still looking at the droid so he doesn't notice, but Rey looks up at Poe just in time to catch his slight, nearly-imperceptible wince at Ben touching BB-8.
Before she can say anything — not that she even knows exactly what she wants to say — the droid follows Finn back to Poe's side and the three of them leave the clearing together.
Rey doesn't realize she's frowning until Ben's hand falls on her shoulder and gives it a squeeze.
"It's been a while since I've seen that glare on your face," he says. "I must say, I'm grateful it's not being directed at me this time."
She can practically feel the bond itching to be opened back up. She relaxes her hold on her side of it just in time to feel Ben open his side as well.
It's less like a weight being lifted and more like a dam being removed from a river. Her feelings — the annoyance and moral outrage and slight hurt — are still there, but they've eased in intensity, diluted by an inflow of peace and understanding and acceptance — everything Ben is sending to her.
She can feel an undercurrent of frustration there too. They have that in common right now.
"He could at least be a bit warmer towards you," she huffs.
"He doesn't have to," Ben replies.
"It would set a good example."
"For who?" He represses a chuckle poorly. "You and Finn? BB-8? You do remember that Poe liking me wasn't part of the terms of me staying here."
"I know that. I just wish he did."
"He's spent his whole life hating everything I was, and rightfully so. We might never get past cordial. And that's okay. It's part of the price I'm willingly paying for as long as it takes. Forever, even."
She doesn't have an adequate response to that, largely because she knows he has a point whether she wants to admit it or not.
He's already proven himself more than enough by her estimation, to deserve the trust of everyone on the base, but trust is incremental, and it adheres to no time schedule.
So Ben's right.
"I know I am," he chuckles, having clearly heard her thoughts through the bond.
That really can be both a blessing and a curse at times like these, she thinks.
"Well," she says, taking a step back and picking her saber up from where she'd set it down. "I hope you enjoyed winning the conversation, because you are absolutely not winning this next round."
"Whatever you say, sweetheart," Ben grins as he reaches out his hand and calls his saber to him.
The rest of the day passes as it normally does when they're staying on the base. Rey and Ben finish their time in the clearing with meditation before heading their separate ways for the rest of the afternoon.
Rey attends an interminable series of meetings that have slowly evolved from centering around relocation efforts and First Order hideouts to discussions about the best type of government to establish in the power vacuum that now accounts for most of the galaxy. Meanwhile, Ben gets to do what she'd actually prefer to be doing, which is working with Chewie on the Falcon's unending repair needs. Really the roles should be reversed — he knows far more about strategy and politics than she could ever care to learn, and she's more comfortable tinkering with machines than he is after years of having an entire staff of mechanics and droids at his disposal. But he's still resolutely not allowed access to any of the "sensitive" material discussed in the meetings she's bound by duty to attend.
They don't see each other again until dinnertime, which, tonight, is a raucous affair in Poe's favorite corner. Ben sits next to Rey and is the least talkative of the group, as always. She's mostly given up on trying to coax him into talking much in these situations, opting instead to leave the bond open and a hand on his knee.
It's not that he's silent — he talks easily to Rose and Finn whenever they bring him into the conversation, though he's never the one to initiate it — it's just that she can sense the extra tension he always carries whenever he's in a crowd.
She can see it sometimes too, in the way he keeps his head down when they walk the base together, the way his voice gets so soft he's nearly whispering at dinner, the way he always makes sure to walk into a room loudly enough that no one can think he's sneaking up on them… She sees the care he takes at all times to not make a single move that could raise concern. He's happy to be here, Rey knows that for sure. But she worries he'll never actually be able to relax into that happiness here the way he does when they're alone.
Rey's concerns are pushed to the side for more enjoyable pursuits after dinner — namely, Ben's lips, and neck, and hands in the bed she's rapidly begun to think of as theirs. Which makes no sense, she thinks, as Ben rolls them so that she's fully underneath him, his mouth never leaving the junction between her collarbone and neck. Of course it's not their bed, it's not even his really. It's supposed to be for any critically wounded Resistance member who finds themself in dire need of recovery. This is supposed to be a healing bed.
Maybe in some ways, it is.
Or maybe her thoughts are jumbled mess, too busy separating and splitting and rearranging to be making much sense right now.
The thought has popped into her head more than once that she doesn't actually have any clue what she's doing. She didn't have any experience before this or any points of reference, so it's entirely possible she's doing this all completely wrong. But that fear can never stay for long, not when Ben's clutching at her, running his hands up and down her back, grasping and gasping and barely pausing for air.
She's aware of the fact that there's… more they could be doing physically. And often, most nights, they reach some point where she thinks it would be so easy to just rip off her clothes and ask him to take his off and get on with it. It would be easy and he wouldn't say no, but something stops her every time. Maybe it's the way he still shudders every time she kisses down his neck, or the way nerves roll through her any time his hand makes it all the way to her thigh — both hers and his.
But somehow she knows it's not the time. Not yet, at least. Because with as much certainty as she has that now is the wrong time, she also knows that there will be a right time. And they seem to be marching steadily toward it.
Ben is clutching her thigh. He's hitched her leg up to hook around his hip— or maybe she did that? It doesn't matter, she thinks, as she slips her hands into his hair, musing for a frustrated second on the unfairness of the fact that no amount of dishevelment can ever seem to make his hair look bad.
There's a word for the way she feels toward him when they're like this. Possessive. She hadn't been able to pinpoint it before, but now she knows. Or maybe she'd already known, but she hadn't wanted to acknowledge it. Because she's read the texts and she knows the Code. Attachments, possession, are forbidden. But there's no other way to describe what she and Ben are — they're attached. They probably have been for even longer than they've known each other. And she would never, ever want it any other way… but is it possible that's dangerous? Isn't it the very thing Luke had tried to keep her from?
Ben's hand stills halfway up her waist. She hadn't even realized he'd been softly rocking against her until just now that he's stopped.
"Sweetheart," he says, voice muffled by her neck, "your thoughts are wide open, and while I promise you I feel exactly the same way about you that you do me, I'd really prefer it if you not think about my uncle right now."
A rush of embarrassment floods through her, though she's fairly certain it's not all her own.
"If it helps, I was technically thinking about all the Jedi across the centuries."
"That… doesn't help at all."
She tries not to laugh. Really, she tries very hard. But a giggle bursts out of her, refusing to be contained and she's about to apologize when she realizes Ben is laughing too and now they're just staring at each other and laughing and somehow that makes it all even funnier.
Once they finally settle down, Ben gives her a final peck on the lips before rolling onto his back and pulling her into his side.
"As far as I can tell, that no attachments rule was grossly misinterpreted by some," he says into her hair.
"And if it wasn't?"
"Then I say we strike it from the records. Because they were wrong. My attachment to you has made me nothing but a better person."
"We can do that, can't we? Strike it from the records. Make our own rules," she says as if it's the first time she's ever really processed that fact. Because it is. Because she read the texts and she studied and practiced and spent a whole year trying to communicate with the Jedi of the past, but the truth is that whole time she was the only one who could really do anything. And now they're both the only ones. And that can mean whatever they want it to mean or…
"Finn doesn't want to be a Jedi," she says.
"Oh excellent. You're thinking of yet another man right now."
She's about to clarify what she means when she looks up and sees he's anything but serious. The smirk on his face makes him look so much like his father. Probably best not to tell him that right now.
"I know what you mean," Ben says. "You don't have to be either, if you don't want to."
"I did say I was all the Jedi."
"I was more under the impression that was a one time thing."
"I think I'd like it to be."
"Then it is."
The base is quiet outside their door. It's quiet inside as well. Rey places her hand over Ben's chest, allows herself a moment to marvel at the fact that it's still beating, at how close she'd come to never getting to have this moment at all.
They're both going to fall asleep soon. They're always like this when they're about to fall asleep. Quiet. A little bit in awe.
"Ben?" she says, eyelids lowering of their own accord.
"Hmm?" He's half asleep too.
"You don't have to be either, you know. If you don't want to."
"I know."
"We'll figure it all out."
"Together."
A sleepy swell of joy fills her at how assuredly he says that.
"Of course."
She drifts off to sleep with a smile on her face.
Rey hadn't really expected to be on the Falcon today, cruising toward another small planet on the other side of the Outer Rim.
She and Ben had woken up a little later than usual, which wasn't a problem — they had nowhere pressing to be, so they'd taken their time actually bothering to get up and get ready for the day.
There's a relaxed energy around the base that's been gradually increasing day by day and it seems to have started to have an effect on her and Ben. They'd taken the long way to breakfast for no reason other than to enjoy a little extra time with each other. They hadn't run into many people on their walk, but those they did see were perfectly pleasant, going about their tasks with a certain lazy ease.
It's a little foreign to Rey to feel so much peace emanating from so many people. It's not a way of living she's ever experienced before. The more relaxed the rest of the base gets, the more she does too, years of tension easing out of her like a rope loosing its knots.
In short, the mood on the base this morning was good and Rey was grateful for it.
They'd made it to breakfast just in time to hear Rose lead their group of friends through yet another carefully prepared list of reasons as to why they should definitely have their long-awaited party tonight.
Rose has become something of a spokesperson for the group on this particular issue, which suits Rey just fine. So long as Ben is allowed to join (and despite there never being an official ruling on whether Ben is allowed to mingle with the public on non-mission related business, she's certain at this point that he is), she has no real investment in when or where this party happens. If it ever does.
So it might as well be today, she'd thought. And she'd just started settling into that possibility when Poe strode to the group and announced that yet another planet needed their help — nothing too serious, just a minor dispute — which meant their leisurely plans would, once again, have to wait.
The others' groans of complaint were light-hearted as they hoisted themselves out of their seats.
"C'mon everyone. Heroes don't have days off," Poe had said, grinning.
"I love you, but please never say that again," Finn said, speaking for the group.
Poe just kept grinning.
So they'd made their way to the ship and taken off. And now that the flight is coming to an end, she can feel them all shifting slowly back into a more focused mode of operation.
It's just their group — Rey, Ben, Poe, Finn, Rose, and Jannah. This isn't the type of trip that requires a full battalion. It might not even be the type of trip that requires a full day. That's the hope Rey plans to hold on to today — that there's a real possibility she and Ben could still end the day in his room instead of in separate bunks on the ship. They haven't tried it yet, but she's certain a single bunk would not be able to accommodate the both of them for an entire night.
"I think we could make it work if we really tried," Ben whispers in her ear. A shiver runs through her and suddenly she's rethinking her eagerness to return to the base tonight.
The ship hits the ground before she can think of a response.
"All right crew, let's head out," Poe calls from the cockpit.
The rest of them slide out of their seats around the dejarik table and stretch. Rey leaves her lightsaber attached to her hip and reaches for Ben's hand instead.
They step out of the Falcon and onto the surface of the planet, fog shrouding their feet and lower legs immediately. She likes to remember the names of the places they travel to, in case there are some she'd like to revisit once the galaxy is fully at peace. She can't remember the name of this one, but it doesn't matter much — this place is far too cold and cloudy to be one she'd willingly frequent.
Poe consults the small holomap he brought with him.
"Okay, it looks like the signal was coming from a little bit west of here. We should probably…"
A blast of light whizzes past Poe, narrowly missing his head. Another comes from the opposite direction and grazes his arm.
He doesn't finish that sentence, but it doesn't matter. She wouldn't have been able to register his words anyway with the way adrenaline is suddenly, violently coursing through her.
Ben squeezes her hand before letting go. He's reaching for his lightsaber and so is she.
"Kriff," Rose mutters behind her.
Someone set a trap and they strolled right into it.
That's her last coherent thought before the laser blasts start coming from all sides.
